Week In Will Do: All-Out Meta

• Another week, and I’m still here! The Daniel McQuade Deathwatch was only updated a few times this week, but what updates they were: I applied for a housesitting job in addition to breaking some, uh, actual news.

• This was also week one of another season of disappointment from the Phillies. Indeed, after letting us know Chris Wheeler would be on TV 24/7, the Phils blew the opener, then blew the second game, then — just for fun, really — got steamrolled in the third game. This left the local nine only 41 losses from 10,000 in the franchise’s history. The Fightins somehow won last night, so the countdown remains stuck until tonight, when they will most certainly lose.

• CBS 3 moved to a new, murder-prone headquarters and taught us far, far too much in Newscast #1.

• Meanwhile, Miss Philadelphia came up with a better plan to slow the city’s murder rate than any politician.

• Penn kids pirated a ton of movies, most of them featuring songs by Third Eye Blind.

• In Jersey, a heroic father rented his daughter out to Dateline for fake sex, while a Burlington High School saved students from crusaders, who promptly whined to the media.

• St. Joe’s journalists got in trouble for joking about Nazis and murder. Oh, and for joking the church might want to prevent deaths in Africa. Ha ha, as if Catholicism would have that!

• And in even more pointless complaining, some Bucks County residents want a new ZIP code even if it costs everyone billions of dollars.

• There’s an election coming up, too. Milton stayed on the ballot — for now — and blamed many, many different people for the challenge. Meanwhile, Michael Nutter promised to improve the smell of SEPTA while Tom Knox proves he has appeal because he’s on TV a lot.

• And speaking of politicians, Vince Fumo had Richard Sprague’s aides do his laundry for him. But of course.

• Finally, Sam Katz launched a blog saying the mayor’s race might be close. Then he actually whined in the Philadelphia Will Do comments section, which is simply too funny to come up with a witty remark here.

Yes, I’m back to writing about me, the only acceptable subject. I’m hop, hop, hoppin’ on out of here. Enjoy your weekend, and have a joyous Easter if that’s your thing.

Week In Will Do: The Beginning Of The End

• Have you heard the big news? Philadelphia Weekly is being sold! And it’s going to be sold to… uh, we dunno! Brian Tierney? Village Voice Media? Comcast? You? Who knows! Ha ha!

• The mayor’s race heated up this week, too, as a record number of teachers showed up to announce they didn’t want to vote for any of the five Democratic candidates. In other news, there are a boatload of new ads on the teevee.

• But! It was City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown who made the biggest news of the week, as she introduced a bill requiring Philadelphia tour guides to be licensed. And, surprise, there will be an application fee and a fine levied against unlicensed tour groups.

• In other City Council news, Jim Kenney knows how to blog and Donna Reed Miller owns a horse.

• Another beloved politician, Rick Santorum, will be making documentaries to show us (1) how much “radical Islam” hates us and (2) how we’re all immoral deviant sinners. Ooh!

• And the greatest politician of all time, Milton Street, is no longer entertaining. Sigh.

• Kal Penn, aka Kumar from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, is the newest professor at the University of Pennsylvania. How do you feel, adjunct professors getting $3k a class?

• Meanwhile, the Evening Bulletin’s Ed Kelley railed against government waste by complaining about a gold coin program that will surely make the government millions.

• The Theater of Living Arts will soon be renamed Fillmore Philadelphia and be part of a tremendous new chain. But, on the plus side, whee, free apples!

• And, most importantly, in Bristol, McDonald’s is opening the first of its new upscale restaurants. Yes. McDonald’s new upscale restaurant. Noodle on that one for a while.

Week In Will Do: A Week That Will Live In Infamy

We’re all sure that happened, right? We’re all sure Milton Street, the mayor’s older brother and joke candidate for mayor — he’s under federal indictment, decided to run on what appeared to be a whim, had a 5,000-person mandate for a rally to stay in the race but decided to stay in despite only attracting 200, mostly media members, has a campaign slogan of Oh shit!, who appeared to be fighting a War on Asians during his rally but is probably still the most honest candidate — had a rally, the Milton Man March, and then sang a religious song while leaning on a coffin as if he were a Vegas lounge singer and the coffin was a piano? Are we sure that happened? I don’t know if I am.

But, fortunately, we have video. And we have video of Milton Street singing while leaning on a coffin. If I ever become a grandfather, this is the first story I am going to tell my grandkids. “Have you had a good life, grandpa?” Well, I don’t know, but I did see Milton Street sing a religious song while leaning on a coffin.” “Who’s Milton Street?” “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

That would easily have been enough for this week. If that was the only thing that Milton Street did this week, he’d already be the frontrunner by a ridiculously wide margin for Person of the Year. The Milton Man March was pretty amazing even before he broke into song. And also this week, Milton didn’t know who Kidd Chris was despite being on the Kidd Chris show. And he launched a website. And he now has an unofficial candidate for Vice Mayor, despite that position not existing. Here’s the Milton Street archive.

(Deep breath.)

Okay, there was some other stuff, too.

• I really do not believe that Philebriti’s Joey Sweeney’s ad for Infiniti isn’t the best story of the week. Remember a few days ago, when this was the only thing going on? I guess Milton was jealous of all the attention. Oh, yeah, I also broke out the copy of Quark and made this thing, which a few people found funny. Huzzah!

• But don’t think Joey Sweeney didn’t show up in the Milton Street news, too.

• Comment-wise, this Fusion gets buckets-of-marijuana story is by far the best of the week. In case you’re wondering, I’m a fat ass who doesn’t shop at Fusion because of it, yet I should probably shop at Fusion to end my “bias” against the store. The Internet is awesome.

• Dwight Evans locked up the crucial Most Awesome Photo award.

• Yes, the meth-dealing, porn-watching, sex toys-having, naked principal makes me shrug this week. That sort of sums up the week better than anything else.

• The Phillies ruined the Phillie Phanatic.

• Instead of starting a football team, St. Joe’s is simply adopting Boston College’s. Yes, this is one of the hundreds of stories from this week that, if I predicted them, you would have said I was making stupid jokes.

• John Timoney got a lot of fake parking tickets once.

• One man really hates Cherry Hill Dodge.

• John Perzel doesn’t want Osama Bin Laden owning the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

• Rick Santorum might be writing a column for the Inquirer.

• But after all that, this is totally my favorite thing I did this week.

Okay, I just got a text message reading, “Is Chase Utley white?” I think I need to go lay down.

Week In Will Do: The Blog That Milt Built

• Yes, this week at Philadelphia Will Do it was a Milton Street-free zone. Er, wait. If you’re not up to perusing the entire Milton Street archive, then I’d suggest starting with his, uhm, campaign ad and move on from there.

• It wasn’t all Milton Street in the mayor’s race, though. No, there was plenty going on in the world of politics this week, including , an analysis of depressing television ads, a man (Mike “Shock G” Nutter) trying to stop Milton Street from running, Dwight Evans chatting online and courting gays, Tom Knox’s lack of pop culture knowledge and, of course, Bob “HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!111″ Brady’s plan to bring glory to Philadelphia via elephants.

• And it wasn’t just the mayor’s race! We also had a 19-year-old Republican who admitted the hilarity of condoms, a superhero running for City Council and Undead John Perzel vs. Ed Rendell.

• Segue part two: But elephants weren’t the only animals making noise! (Eh, shush.) No, Nora the Cat tickled the ivories and later showed up on pretty much every television station as well. That second link is a PWD New Feature Alert! So be sure and watch before I forget about it.

• Ahh, yeah, I don’t know how I can segue again. Let’s just move on: Franklin Mills is safe. Phew.

• Meanwhile, while our students aren’t learning in school, they’re eating moldy oranges.

• And, finally, people empty entire clips into the air to celebrate the day when the world has to start using a new wall calendar. Ahh, what a city.

Week In Will Do: We Still Don’t Know What To Call This Fumo Thing

• Vince Fumo, Pennsylvania’s only alpaca farmer with his own bobblehead. Oh, yeah, he was also indicted and was later eaten by South Philadelphia residents.

• The least surprising revelation of the week? Fumo likes Alicia Lane.

• Meanwhile, Frank DiCicco gets carried into this whole mess just because the feds want to sex up their indictment. Rrrawr!

• Meanwhile, as New Jersey plans to switch from incandescent to fluorescent light bulbs, one Burlington lawmakers doesn’t want to offend a dead man: “I obviously respect the memory of Thomas Edison, but what we’re looking at here is using less energy.”

• Anna Nicole Smith died; the public got the highlights, the press just beat a dead horse again.

• Various octogenarian wrestlers were scheduled to fight a high school principal.

• Stephen A. Smith is a much better debater than anyone could have ever imagined.

• Terrell Owens and Howard Eskin got into a verbal fight, and T.O. gave us our second quote of the week: “Who told you I was mad about your canned food drive?”

• Smerconish in the Sunday Inky! Ohmigod! That might mean his column is up on the site right now. Let’s check! Ahh, it’s not, but there is a preview! And Mark Bowden, too! I can’t stop using any more exclamation points! (And, yes, Dan Rubin is a metro columnist. More on it later; I’m still trying to digest it.)

• The court rules: Not wearing pants in a hotel room is legal.

• Jim Greenwood wants us to know he knows what’s good for us.

• Oh, yeah, the Super and Puppy Bowls, too. And a Wing Bowl correction.

• Wait. Rubber sidewalks were this week, too? This was a long week. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Week In Will Do: Why The Long Face?

• Okay, you know what’s the top story this week: All Barbaro, all the time. The late horse inspired a plethora of jokes from me, and a plethora of outpouring from his online fans. Be sure to read the field guide to Barbaro messageboard factions. We’ll miss you, Big B. Well, we’ll miss the material.

• Meanwhile, our city’s mayoral race heated up. Bob Brady channeled horrible politicians of years past while Tom Knox’s depressing ads made people like him. But never fear, ordinary Philadelphian! Bob Brady and Jim Kenney want you to know that you won’t be voting for Tom Knox whether you like it or not. City Council is for fair elections, especially the people who were de facto appointed to their City Council seats by Bob Brady. Hooray for democracy!

• But, still, it kind of pales in comparison to the time City Council sent an old man to the circus in order to pass a bill.

• On the national stage, though, Philly is failing in its attempt to look as bad as Boston does in the Great Lite Brite Scare of 2007, though CBS 3 doesn’t think the City of Philadelphia can handle a light bulb’s obscene gesture.

• A Penn student fired 15 shots into the door of a Drexel student, thinking he was a spy. Unlike its teachers, Penn immediately suspends its students when they allegedly do something bad.

• There sure are a ton of magazines catering to people with the disposable income to spend on magazines. Phillymag, of course, declares itself above the fray and also the home of the Greatest Journalism Ever™.

• Andy Reid’s sons wreaked havoc all over the suburbs.

• And, of course, my life is now complete.

Be sure to check out the 2004 Super Bowl Preview just published this week. And enjoy your weekend.

Week In Will Do: Kerri-Lee Love

• This week was dominated by one person: Kerri-Lee Halkett. Not only did she launch her life-changing 5 o’clock news show, but she also appeared in W, wore a skirt and leather boots, plugged The Simpsons and asked us which dress she should wear to meet Prince Charles. All in all, a week of female fandom not seen here since, well, maybe ever.

• Now for some much less important news: In the mayor’s race, Bob Brady is in — and he’s fixing Patrick Murphy’s blazer — and Johnny Doc is out.

• Supposedly, the mayor’s race has all of its candidates in, but there might be one more East Mount Airy man popular enough to enter the race, with promises of free pancakes and syrup for all.

• Meanwhile, our current mayor is kind of a bozo. (The less said about our current paper of record, the better.)

• And 81-year-old liberals who write to the Easton Express-Times will not have the chance to hang President Bush thanks to two crack Secret Service agents.

• And speaking of losers, Barbaro continues to infuriate me, but at least he didn’t win any annual horse racing awards.

• On Tuesday, we learned Donovan McNabb was very, very unhappy and on Wednesday we learned that everything is just a-OK, thank you very much.

• And right now Prince Charles and Camilla are hopping around town right now, getting ready to see Kerri-Lee. See, we’ve come full circle.

Week In Will Do: Alleged Perv Lawyer!

After a day off, we all hit the ground running this week. Let’s recap, shall we?

• Alleged Perv Lawyer! My new favorite phrase. (Thanks, Daily News.) You know the deal: Caught naked with a 14-year-old, arrested and then tagged Alleged Perv Lawyer.

• If Harry’s Occult Shop actually sells products that work, then this town’s going to be having a lot more killings soon.

• Neil Stein asserted that other cities are just waiting to gobble up pantyless restaurant patrons. Eh, he may have a point.

• We learned what dogs Philadelphians like, and it sadly wasn’t pretty. Except for the lab, those big goofy friendly dogs are always okay.

• The Phillies will lead the league in one category, fingers, next season.

• One Philadelphian taught us why the Nintendo Wii is so awesome.

• And one man wants to stone all politicians to death because they increased his taxes. It’s always nice to see a reasoned response.

Week In Will Do: Screw You, 2006

• Finally, this People of the Year thing is over. You can go look at the big winner or see the complete list.

• In other big, exciting news, Ed Rendell ate at Taco Bell!

• In other big, exciting news, a coyote attacked this man and this woman.

• Okay, there wasn’t much going on this week. So Philly even got in on the Gerald Ford bandwagon and the less crowded Richard Nixon bandwagon.

• A man from upstate pulled over on the side of I-95 and started hunting. He was taken in for questioning by police. On the plus side, he bagged a Prius.

• Need stupider than pulling over on the side of I-95 to hunt? How about this: People wanting Jeff Garcia over Donovan McNabb next year.

• Kate Flannery from The Office guests on the greatest episode of 10! ever, mainly because they added alcohol.

• Stephen A. Smith wrote the best sentence ever.

• Also, a woman in Jersey was arrested for running a speakeasy.

That’s it for me. Have a great transition in to 2007, etc. Mainly, though, go Eagles.

Week In Will Do: Making News Out Of No News

• The Philadelphia Will Do People of the Year Express kept chugging along. This week’s honorees: McMuhammad, John Street (right), Jethro Heiko, Darren Daulton, Jim Osman and Stephen Morse. (Photo of Street via Flickr.)

• The Newspaper Guild settled with management, then fired off an angry, hilarious, awesome memo. Meanwhile, in Jersey teachers actually did walk off the job.

• It seemed Allen Iverson was on his way out, but then… he’s still here. Fortunately, now that the 76ers have Larry Brown back, the team will surely win it all! Also, Keystone Cops. Let’s see how long this one lasts.

• SEPTA will screw us all, but not until July!

• A man wanted for several crimes was arrested in the Philadelphia Free Library because he checked his Myspace account there every day. How authorities found out he checked his Myspace page every day is still unknown.

• Riverton, New Jersey, banned Festivus celebration, igniting angry emails from Seinfeld nerds coast to coast.

• Fans of The Gross Clinic are still making efforts to save the painting by selilng $2 buttons. Anybody want to buy 34 million buttons?

• God damn Big caused a stir, forcing grade schoolers to be escorted out of the play.

• Cherry Hill was apparently defeated by Smut. It always wins!

• Andy Reid has a nice vertical leap.

• The Inquirer offended, like, people who are easily offended, I guess with a comic strip unrelated to why people were offended.

• And, sadly this week, we mourned the passing of actor Peter Boyle and, much more close to home, Phillyist’s Star Foster. Our condolences to family and friends, especially those of Star. Her family has asked that donations be made to Central High School.

Have a good weekend, folks. Go Eagles.