August 14, 2008

Politician Finds Actual Rocky Statue

Yes, the Bulletin is still fighting the Barnes Foundation move; today the paper writes about Pennsylvania attorney general candidate John Morganelli promises to fight the move if elected. The Bulletin wants the Barnes to stay so much they put a Democrat on the front (!).

Anyway, apparently it is possible to get a real-looking statue of Rocky for your campaign event. Hear that, Michael Untermeyer?

Editor's Note: Of course, by "actual," I mean "cardboard."

Keeping The Fight Going [The Bulletin]

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July 08, 2008

'Bulletin' Identifies New Mental Illness

Bulletin columnist Herb Denenberg has a column today that's awesomely titled Liberal Media Downplays Threat Of Terrorism To Elect Democrats, and by the fourth paragraph he's in full amazing mode.

Still another is the anti-American, blame-America-first bias of the mainstream media. This tendency knows no end as recently demonstrated by a Philadelphia Inquirer column that should get the Pulitzer Prize for Stupidity. This column took the position we should hang our heads in shame on July 4th rather than celebrate it, and it should become a day of atonement instead of a day of celebration of the greatest nation in the history of the world. But I know the columnist and don't blame him. He suffers from the mental disease described by the great historian Paul Johnson - anti-Americanism. And he represents the tendencies of the mainstream, liberal media.

He's talking about this column last week by Chris Satullo, which is superbly non-controversial but made Rush Limbaugh angry. (I'm not sure why we can safely ignore the even-more-popular American Idol's political opinions and not Rush Limbaugh.) This response is also pretty hilarious.

Anyway, sorry to hear you're mentally ill, Chris Satullo. Maybe with Obama's evil free medicine (how dare he not really even propose that!) you can get some treatment for your anti-Americanism, which I believe will also be in the new DSM.

Liberal Media Downplays Threat Of Terrorism To Elect Democrats [The Bulletin]

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June 24, 2008

Denenberg Takes On The Critics

Bulletin columnist Herb Denenberg has been answering readers' questions about DeLoreans, when to wash your car and whether a truck driver can get in trouble for drug possession for almost three years now.

He also frequently opines about how Barack Obama is a horrible presidential candidate, how Steven Spielberg is evil and the divide between patriots and America haters.

And, today, he does them both at the same time:

Question: I simply don't understand how Herb Denenberg's drivel counts as responsible journalism. In his haste to attack anyone that has the audacity to disagree with him, he simply levels unsubstantiated charges against them. Furthermore, his claims that he is railing against the 'dishonest and biased' media makes me question his own objectivity. Should we accept Herb as being the bastion of disinterested reporting? Why are his statements - peppered with the name calling - more objective and fairer than other forms of press? I read his column simply to laugh, but never to take it seriously. If The Bulletin really wants to improve their quality, don't you think you should get rid of him?

Continue reading "Denenberg Takes On The Critics"

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June 17, 2008

Bulletin: Bush Could Become Catholic

The Bulletin has the scoop. My guess as to the motive: Plenary indulgences.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:56 PM | Comments (3)

January 21, 2008

G. Cobb Moving Into Political Realm?

Hey, looks like former NFL linebacker and WIP host G. Cobb is following Stephen A. Smith into the world of political commentary for The Bulletin. I don't know; but is this the end of Mr. Straight Talk McCain? (I guess Mr. Straight Talk McCain is a pro wrestler or something.) I can't wait to see what G. Cobb has to think!

Oh, I guess it's just mislabeled. (But they do still have Papal mass tickets!) But it's good to see he's about as successful as the political pundits with his sports report there.

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January 18, 2008

The Bulletin Tackles Tyranny

If you're wondering, this column isn't about President Bush or Kim Jong-Il, it's about thermostats.

Tyranny Update [The Bulletin]

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November 26, 2007

Of Bathhouses And African Poverty Relief

A couple random questions from Herb Denenberg's Q&A column today:

• Question: I noticed that the Hershey's product Ice Breakers Sours, which I like, has a warning on it that it may cause some people's mouth to be sore. What are the ingredients that are the culprit, and what is that all about?
• Question: Is there a DeLorean car company that is now actually operating again?
• Question: Why is it so hard to get people to buy long-term care insurance?
• Question: Should it take days to thaw out a ham?
• Question: I've often wondered about these public bathhouses that have caused so much controversy in recent years. Why were they ever established in the first place?
• Question: Why isn't Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being prosecuted for threatening genocide?
• Question: Is there any hope for progress in eliminating poverty in Africa?

The answer to that last one is "yes," and you'll be interested to note Mr. Denenberg feels Ice Breakers "are typical of the high quality products that Hershey's puts out." I was going to make a Kit Kat joke here, but apparently Hershey only makes them in America. Weird!

Answers To Questions About Mints, DeLoreans And More [The Bulletin]

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November 21, 2007

Conservative Paper Prints Wrestler's Endorsement

The Bulletin recently reneged on its long, almost three-year promise not to endorse political candidates, and it's clear they're drunk with power. Pretty much anybody can get his endorsement printed now:

While former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee might have missed out on the endorsements of Pat Robertson, Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III, recent endorsements by Chuck Norris and pro wrestler Ric Flair demonstrate his endorsements are the toughest bunch on the block.

"It's a tremendous honor to offer my support to such an outstanding leader as Mike Huckabee," Mr. Flair said. "His authentic conservative qualifications and level of executive leadership experience are unmatched by his opponents."

Personally, I'm waiting to see if both Bushwhackers back the same candidate. That will let me know which one is the winner.

WWE Pro Wrestler Ric Flair Endorses Huckabee [The Bulletin]
Pro Wrestling Legend Endorses Huckabee, We Cover It [Wonkette]

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November 06, 2007

N.J. To Create Clone Army To Conquer U.S.

Today, New Jersey residents will vote on a stem-cell funding bill, one that Gov. Jon Corzine says would turn the state into a leader in stem-cell research.

It would borrow $450 million for 10 years of grants to fund stem cell research. But, as The Bulletin reveals, there is a deep dark secret:

"Voters need to know that this question is highly deceptive," stated Marie Tasy, executive director of New Jersey Right to Life." Ms. Tasy argues lawmakers "withheld vital information" concerning the question and left numerous holes in the question's interpretative statement.

According to Ms. Tasy, the question fails to disclose the type of stem-cell research permitted, allows human cloning, and misleads voters into believing the question will result in increased revenue.

While the Bond Act condemns cloning, Ms. Tasy asserts its definition of the practice opens the door for cloning funding.

"The Bond Act purports to ban cloning, but it only bans cloning research during the fetal stage, a stage left undefined by the act," Ms. Tasy said.

Man, that bill has a love-hate relationship with cloning. It condemns it, but for some reason is also going to do cloning research anyway? Weird.

Hmm.

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Election Roundup: Voting Is For Dorks

In off-year municipal elections, the City of Philadelphia's actual election takes place in May. Sometimes the mayor races (i.e., mayor) include a formidable Republican candidate, but while Al Taubenberger is a great underdog, he was recently polling at eight percent. But all the Democrats who win races today were elected on May 15, including mayor-elect Michael Nutter. (It's after 9. He probably already has enough votes to win.)

You should still go out and vote, though, and not because it matters (it doesn't) or out of a sense of civic duty (fuck civic duty). You should go out and vote because it's fun! While the voting booths are not the fun old-timey blues ones of yore, you still get to press a couple of buttons. Okay, so it's not Making Time. But if you don't press those buttons, Bush and Cheney will win, or something. Or maybe the terrorists win. I don't know.

Go out and vote today. If you don't, annoying people will lie to you and say if you didn't vote, you forfeited your right to complain. Whatever. Complain all you want whether or not you vote; but it's always nice to try to diffuse future annoyance.

Below, a roundup of fun election-themed stories. We're using a very liberal definition of the word fun here.

Continue reading "Election Roundup: Voting Is For Dorks"

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October 31, 2007

'Bulletin' Sez Republican Victory All But Assured

Ha ha, you know who's shown to be competent recently? The Republicans, as they haven't had a Senator arrested for soliciting sex in a public bathroom or a Congressman accused of talking dirty to kids online in, like, months. No, really! (Update: At least at a federal level.)

At least that's what James G. Wiles of The Bulletin seems to think:

While the Democrats and their media allies search for some way to pin the California wildfires on George Bush and the Republicans, something far more significant is happening.

It's beginning to occur to the Democrats that they can lose the 2008 elections. Two months ago, this was unthinkable. But now, the trend on the ground in Iraq has reversed. And, second, with the administration and the California Republican state government's competent response to a major national disaster and Louisiana voters' election of a Republican governor, the ghost of Katrina may be dissipating.

There go the Democrats' two most winning issues.

Hey, the Republicans got it right this time, uh, I guess! Let's vote 'em in again despite the Iraq War and oil at a billion dollars a barrel and the war not paying for itself, which the Bush administration told us it would! How silly, people don't like it when you invade them.

Continue reading "'Bulletin' Sez Republican Victory All But Assured"

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October 18, 2007

Everyone You Know Has Been Pregnant

In yesterday's Bulletin, Joe Murray examined new statistics on abortion.

According to a recent study following abortion-related trends, 90 percent of women will have an abortion by the age of 45--

Stop, stop, stop. What? Ninety percent? Did they only survey people who went into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion? Are they counting anyone who's used contraception, ever? The "by age 45" part is kind of tricky, too; there can't be many, if any, abortions performed after that age.

Hmm. If 10 percent of the population is gay, then that means... oh, man, this is just too confusing.

Study: Abortion On The Decline [The Bulletin]

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October 05, 2007

Chris Freind Is His Own Biggest Fan

Bulletin columnist Chris Freind has a whole column of this:

Brilliant. I am thrilled that someone had the guts to spit it out. I agree with your article 100 percent. I'm sure the Inquirer would never print such a piece.

Mary
Philadelphia

Great article. To me it's a breath of fresh air to finally read a media report on this matter without the slant of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They would rather have the outcome appear to be pure racism and discrimination. I think everyone who has knowledge of their agenda has come to realize these two charlatans as nothing more than decaying pieces of carrion.
Bob
Encinitas, Calif.

Very well written. I applaud you for writing something that, to me, hit the nail on the head. I appreciate the fact that you have the guts to write the truth. Keep up writing the truth, and maybe some others in your line of work will not always take the easy way out.
Jason
Davenport, Ia.

And it goes on like this and this is the whole column and ahhhhhhhhhh treesdiedforthis.

'Jena Six' Readers Respond With Fire [The Bulletin]

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September 27, 2007

Herb Denenberg Is Awesome

I hadn't read any of Herb's columns in a while, but a perusal of a few of his recent musings are incredibly awesome. Denenberg is focusing less and less on consumer issues and more and more on people who he feels should be executed for their thoughts. Or something like that.

Oh? Now, you take a look.

How To Lose A War By Ignoring And Denying It, Aug. 24:

America, graced with its resources and military power, can't lose this war against international terrorism unless the Democratic Party wins the White House and walks the most powerful nation in the history of the world down the path of retreat, defeat, surrender and appeasement. When that White Flag, now waved by the Democratic Party leadership, flies over the White House, it will truly symbolize the surrender of America and the end of America as we know it.

Continue reading "Herb Denenberg Is Awesome"

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This Is Pretty Much The Greatest Headline Ever

Well, I mean, patriots love America and America-haters hate it. Right? I wonder which side Lee Harvey Oswald is on. I mean, sure, he shot the president, but he shot a Democratic president. That means the people at The Bulletin would love it, no?

Update: Oh shit! I actually read it. You should too. Here's the third sentence.

I'll give you my view of the issue up front: I think anyone who doesn't love America and realize it is the greatest nation in the history of the world is either demented (on the far side of crazy) or incredibly dumb.

Looking Into Divide Between Patriots, America-Haters [The Bulletin]
Yesterday: Democratic Party Supports Noted President Killer

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September 26, 2007

Democratic Party Supports Noted President Killer

A recent column in The Bulletin begins with the line, "James G. Wiles is one of The Bulletin's finest writers," which is a pretty funny way to start a column, but it gets better.

The column is about Democratic traitors who hate America, which is what war supporters attempt to label opponents now that Iraq has turned into a giant melting pot of death. Funny, I thought the people who sang "Why Should God Bless America?" were the ones who hated America, but whatever.

Anyway, here's the list of Democratic traitors:

For example, Wiles referenced Sen. John Kerry, who got himself national publicity in the '60s by making totally unsubstantiated claims about American troops, and many millions believed him because he was a Navy officer. His lies resulted in getting him elected to the Senate in the most far-left state in America; his opinions were shown to American prisoners of war in communist prison camps as propaganda. Jane Fonda overtly gave aid and comfort to the enemy. Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated the commander in chief of the American military during the most dangerous years of the Cold War. MoveOn.org calls Gen. David Petraeus, while he is in command of troops in combat, "General Betray Us." Sen. Harry Reid says we've "lost the war" when we're in the middle of it, sabotaging our troops and aiding and comforting al-Qaida. The "mainstream" media networks work very hard to find soldiers and officers who will tell us how poorly we're doing, when the overwhelming majority of our troops know we're winning.

Oh, that Lee Harvey Oswald, noted Democratic leader! Well known for assassinating a, erhm, Democratic president! (If you believe Arlen Specter.) Yes, he surely is an American traitor who current Democrats absolutely love. Geeze, Democrats, why won't you denounce Lee Harvey Oswald!

On Traitors And The Democratic Hard Left [The Bulletin]

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September 13, 2007

Kathy Griffin Going To Hell For Sure Now

The Bulletin's Joe Murray writes about Kathy Griffin's acceptance speech at the Emmy's, which are apparently taped in advance now that nobody watches award shows or beauty pageants (except for YouTube clips of screwups).

Kathy Griffin won a Creative Arts Emmy for her My Life on the D-List. Murray notes it won despite its "profanity, obscenity and adult content." Since Griffin is a comedian, her acceptance speech contained at least one joke.

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus," stated Griffin. The comedian then continued to insult Christ.

I can only assume the lines that "continued to insult Christ" were too risque for the paper that calls itself The Family Newspaper. Murray then quotes some idiot who says Griffin will go to hell because of this:

"The ball is now in Griffin's court," stated William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. "The self-described 'complete militant atheist' needs to make a swift and unequivocal apology to Christians. If she does, she will get this issue behind her. If she does not, she will be remembered as a foul-mouthed bigot for the rest of her life."

Griffin's 'Jesus' Mockery At Emmys Draws Fire [The Bulletin]

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September 05, 2007

Hilarious Sentences From 'Bulletin' Columns

• Joe Murray: "Centuries later, there is still a man in Virginia who has the vision of Jefferson, the wisdom of Washington, the loyalty of Lee and the oratory prowess of Henry.... That man is Pat Buchanan."

Honestly, I could stop there and could never run this feature again and it'd be considered successful. Pat Buchanan! Yes, if I think of one man who combines all the best characteristics of our founding fathers it's Pat Fucking Buchanan. Anyway, I'll keep going, just for fun.

• Dennis Prager: "Of course, in all these cases, if America had sought love, evil would have prevailed."

• Bradley Vasoli: "NMS President and CEO Eric Rieders said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett's finding of no evidence of criminal wrongdoing in the county's hiring of the Willow Grove-based company to conduct forensic testing entitles NMS to an apology and a recantation by Damsker and Hoeffel, who are running together for the board of commissioners." (Number of prepositional phrases: Too many to count.)

• Daniel Pipes: "[S]ee my weblog entry, 'Other Taxpayer-Funded American Madrassas' for yet more[.]"

Okay, that'll do for now.

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July 27, 2007

Today In Hilarious Coincidences

Yesterday, The Bulletin, "A Stock Market Vote Of Confidence For Bush," by Lawrence Kudlow.

While the Democrats stand against nearly all of the president's wartime policies - and in the process court defeat - the stock market is standing with Bush and the chance for victory.

Yesterday evening:

The Dow Jones industrial average fell almost 450 points — its biggest drop of the year — before closing down 311 points Thursday on a late rally as investors fled equities for bonds.

Good timing, Lawrence.

A Stock Market Vote Of Confidence For Bush [The Bulletin]
Dow plunges nearly 450 points before rallying [KC Star]

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July 20, 2007

Black People Love Frank Rizzo (.com)

The Bulletin's Mike Malowe has a column today on the, uh, 16-year anniversary of Frank Rizzo's death. In it, he gives a nice personal anecdote about Rizzo and how people liked him and how, during his 1991 mayoral run, he did that whole forgiveness thing or whatever when he went to the black neighborhoods and blah blah blah.

Then he writes that Rizzo "polarized" the bad guys and how great that was, tiptoeing all round the racism issue. Then he writes about stalking Rizzo during the '91 election.

I'd seen him walking along Walnut Street many times that summer. He didn't know I was there. He could only get a few feet during the busy lunch hours before someone came up and stopped him, with a hug, or a kiss, or a handshake. I don't think I saw a single black person not come up and in some way embrace him.

Then he writes about how happy Ed Rendell was about Rizzo's death, because he's a Democrat or something.

Rizzo: A Leader Too Late [The Bulletin]

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July 17, 2007

This Is Kind Of Like Che Guevara Shirts For $29.99

Geeze, and you thought Byko's Harry Potter reference yesterday was shoehorned in? Here's Cal Thomas, syndicated in The Bulletin:

"All we are saying is give peace a chance," says John Lennon's anti-war protest song. But though President Bush's recent remarks to the Greater Cleveland Partnership may have borrowed a page from Lennon's songbook, they sang quite a different tune to a pro-war beat.

I can't wait 'til Cal Thomas' review of President Bush's memoirs. "This book is a pro-Jewish Mein Kampf!"

Bush's Song: 'All We Are Saying Is ...' [The Bulletin]

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July 10, 2007

All Work And No Pay Makes Jack A Dull Boy

Excerpt of a a posting from Craigslist:

The Bulletin, a five day a week newspaper in Philadelphia, is looking for talented, enthusiastic and hard-working people to join our sports staff for the fall high school season. [...] You must have knowledge of sports, writing samples to show and be willing to work weekends. This is a paid position, but the compensation will be discussed down the road. This job is ideal for freelancers and aspiring sports writers looking for experience at a daily paper.

"Compensation will be discussed down the road" means "If we pay you, it'll be crap."

Daily newspaper seeks sports writers [Craigslist]

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July 06, 2007

Chris Freind Stands Up For French, The White Man

It's been a while since I've checked in on Chris Freind, America's Best Columnist™. But, since he stopped by the comments to plug his interview with Georges Perrier, I figured it was time to take another look.

In his interview with Perrier, the two talk about how awful the foie gras protesters are and how the ducks actually enjoy being tube fed until their livers become the size of Buicks. (Apparently, ducks don't have a gag reflex, which means they're not being tortured. I prefer my animals to suffer before they die, so forget foie gras as a delicacy.)

Perrier also bashes all the other restaurants in the area for not defending him from the four people protesting over foie gras: "Steven Starr is a coward. It makes me mad. Starr used to be a big leader in the restaurant industry, but he removed foie gras because he didn't want to fight (the protesters)." Oh, wah, wah, wah. How dare he run his business how he wants to! Did you know he made his restaurants no-smoking, too, before the smoking ban passed?

Continue reading "Chris Freind Stands Up For French, The White Man"

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July 05, 2007

'Bulletin' Would Rather Be Raped Than Called A Rapist

Earlier this week, Dennis Prager's syndicated column ran in The Bulletin, and boy is it one of the finest pieces of opinion journalism ever published. The hook? Being called a rapist is just as bad as being raped.

The rape of a name can be as vicious a crime and as destructive an act as the rape of a body. Sometimes the rape of a body is worse, sometimes the rape of a name is worse. But they are both rapes.

Wait, it gets better. Cue the anecdotal evidence, please.

Upon first hearing a comparison of name-rape to body-rape, most people are likely to recoil. But upon reflection, it becomes clear that the two are morally comparable. In fact, I have had women listeners to my radio show call and e-mail me to say that they have been raped - one woman had been gang raped - and felt they were better able to go on with their lives than men who had been falsely accused of rape or molestation.

Given a choice between being raped and being called a rapist, apparently Dennis Prager would choose being raped. On a side note, I thought conservatives were against affirmative action. I mean, there's no other way Prager could have gotten a job if there weren't spots reserved for idiots, right?

The Rape Of A Name Is Also Rape [The Bulletin]

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June 06, 2007

'Bulletin' Headlines Keep Getting Better And Better

Hot on the heels of 24 Reasons Not To Reject Limbo come these two:

Well, that's a new way of putting it. But if the war was for oil, that sort of shakes my foundation in the president. Who can I look up to for moral guidance?

Ah, there we go.

Iraq War Is About Oil­­ - And That's OK [Bulletin]
The Lessons from Hogzilla [Bulletin]

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