June 03, 2008

Terrell Owens Tells Hilarious Jokes

Noted awesome former Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens just signed a brand new contract. He's going to celebrate by helping new teammate Pacman Jones by telling an off-color joke, to get the heat off him:

Terrell Owens has an idea for keeping his new teammate Adam "Pacman" Jones out of trouble.

Owens, who is being recognized this summer as an Alzheimer's Association Champion for his work for the foundation, says Jones — who was suspended from the NFL after a series of arrests, including one stemming from a shootout at a Las Vegas strip club — should join him in his charity work.

"I hope we can get him affected by [Alzheimer's] just a little bit so he can forget about those strip clubs," Owens joked in an interview with ABC News Radio.

Oh, TO. Another one of your hilarious Alzheimer's jokes. That's a good way to get people riled up -- something you like to do, apparently -- and make everyone forget about Pacman Jones' strip club visits.

Owens Embraces Troubled Teammate 'Pacman' [ABC News]

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April 23, 2008

N.J. Cop Charged With Sex With Cow

A cop in Moorestown, N.J. -- America's greatest place to live, or something -- was recently charged with sexually assaulting three girls.

And now, naturally, he's facing more charges related to sex he allegedly had with a cow. Yes, Officer Robert Melia Jr. allegedly engaged in sex with cows four times between June and December of 2006.

What makes this even more amazing is Terrell Owens was in the background while this man was having sex with cows! Unbelievable!

Officer Allegedly Performed Sex Acts On Cows [CBS 3]
T.O.'s been cropped out of porn site's photo [Phillygossip]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:46 AM | Comments (13)

September 05, 2007

Terrell Owens Repeats Sentences From 2 Years Ago

In an interview in last week's issue of Time, Terrell Owens not only noted he likes Donovan McNabb, says "Get yo popcorn ready" and shares the same favorite TV channel as my mother (HGTV, no lie) but also decided to answer the same exact question that got him into trouble two years ago.

If you could choose any quarterback in the NFL to be the No. 1 in Dallas, who would it be and why? Patrick McLeod, PANAMA CITY

Man, that's a tricky question. I don't want to cause trouble ... O.K., I would say Peyton Manning, then Donovan McNabb. Peyton has history on his side, with his dad being a quarterback, and you can't say enough about how studious he is in the film room.

What? No mention of the gunslinger, Brett Favre? This hasn't spun out of control like the last time Terrell Owens opened his mouth about what QB from another team he'd like to be under center for his squad, but this guy seems to have the right idea: "I don't care about T.O. Trust me. What I do want is the pot to be stirred in Dallas."

Since it was already in freaking Time, I don't think I can help push it along much, but, hey, consider this my contribution. When the Eagles beat Dallas twice again this year, you can thank me.

10 Questions for Terrell Owens [Time]
T.O. story from PFT [Igglephans]

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April 16, 2007

T.O. Wants No Part Of Dan Gross

For a while, the Daily News' Dan Gross has been content to write about Lil' Kim masturbating, make Alycia Lane angry, piss off John Ogden's mother and, of course, publish the Iron Sheik's insults toward Hulk Hogan.

Well, apparently, Terrell Owens has been reading, because he wanted nothing to do with the Daily News columnist:

"Don't be calling my phone, I don't know you like that," was all Terrell Owens said when we reached him on his cell yesterday seeking details on what business brought him and agent Drew Rosenhaus to town last week. [...]

[CN8's Greg] Coy asked if the former Iggles star wanted to come on the live show, but Owens declined, between bites of an omelet. When we reached Owens yesterday, he said he had nothing to say about why he was here and asked again that we not call his phone. We asked him for a name of a publicist whom we should be calling, but he hung up on us.

In summary, the report: T.O. was in Philly and ate an omelet.

Dan Gross | T.O. tight-lipped about recent overnight here [Daily News]
Archives: Dan Gross

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February 08, 2007

T.O. Calls Eskin, Hilarity Ensues

Just when you think Terrell Owens might be out of the Philadelphia sports world, he comes right back in. Yesterday, the embattled receiver actually called in to Howard Eskin's drive-time show. (Eskin at first is expecting a joke caller.)

The two discuss their meeting at the Super Bowl -- where T.O. called Eskin a jerk -- like third graders. Owens accuses Eskin of lying. Owens says he didn't make a snide remark about Bill Parcells. T.O. blames the media. Eskin accuses Owens of being mad about Eskin's canned food drive (which was done for T.O., har har!), which leads Owens to say a sentence never uttered before in English: "Who told you I was mad about your canned food drive?" Eskin also offers the lamest bet in history, saying he'll congratulate Owens if he's on the Cowboys roster next year.

Here's the interview, from 610 WIP.

Terrell Owens on Eskin

Owens' voice has some sort of echo effect, meaning he's calling from a cave or his own hyperbaric chamber.

610 WIP
Archives: Terrell Owens

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December 04, 2006

T.O. Continues To Inspire Philadelphia Youth

Earlier today, we introduced you to Sami Wylie, the Lincoln University player who hit 21 threes on 44 shots in just 24 minutes in a press-the-whole-game 201-78 victory over the weekend.

Checking out his online bio, we learn that... well, just guess what his favorite book is:

Favorite Book: "T.O." by Terrell Owens

Gee, and here I thought it'd be Little T Learns To Share.

Little T Learns To Share by Terrell Owens [Amazon]
Sami Wylie [Lincoln University Athletics]
Earlier today: Local Division III College Team Scores 200 Points, Feasts On Innards Of Opponents In Refreshing Post-Game Meal

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October 09, 2006

Leftovers: Eagles 38, Cowboys 24

• So, the big story this afternoon is that... after losing the biggest game of the year so far... Cowboys wide receiver was upset and yelling! No! Never! [NBC 10]

• All the photos you need from yesterday's Biggest Game To Ever Happen, Ever. [The 700 Level]

• Public service announcement: You have to postmark your voter registration form before tomorrow night. So if you want to choose between Bob Casey and Rick Santorum -- oh, am I excited to make that decision! -- you better get to a state store, post office or library to get a form. [KYW 1060]

• Why is 10-time Congressman -- I like to refer to it as if they were winning something respectable, like a wrestling belt -- Curt Weldon having trouble in his re-election big? Gee, I dunno, I wonder what Curt Weldon could have done to make him unpopular. But, y'know, he does have it on good intelligence that Osama is dead, so you'd better vote for him. [Salon]

• Oh, yeah, and there's a giant hole in Broad Street at Lombard. So, uh, avoid that area.

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GLOAT.O.: A Tale Of Three Papers

Side by side, the front pages of the Dallas Morning News and the Philadelphia Inquirer. Eagles-Dallas coverage is highlighted in green.

And, of course, our city's precious Daily News (again, with Eagles coverage highlighted in green):

The moral here? Our city (and the media within it) may be obsessed with football, but at least we won!

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G L O A T.O.

Yeah, it did. It really did. I'm shocked too. But The T.O. Bowl lived up to the hype. Not well-played football, but a really exciting, back-and-forth game that, of course, the Eagles won.

And so, it's going to be a all gloating, all day. Terrell Owens didn't even have a good game! And, really, what a finish for the Eagles.

Hopefully, this will keep your mind off the ridiculously, possible scary news going on today. (Namely, that the No. 11 and No. 5 media markets are meeting in the ALCS. Totally unacceptable to have one of those not be in the top 10. Oh, I guess that's only possible scary news if you're a Fox executive. I don't know if there's any other scary news going on today.)

LITO, LITO, LITO, LITO [Daily News]

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October 06, 2006

T.O. To Release Kids' Book; Children Scared, Horrified

Terrell Owens has a children's book coming out. Called Little T Learns To Share.

I'll pause while you laugh, even if you've heard about it before.

Okay, let's move on. Yes, T.O. is coming out with a series of children's books, each one more horrifying than the next:

"I tried to play outside alone and throw it by myself, but football isn't football unless you play with someone else," Little T tells his mother in the book, the [Dallas Morning News] said.

Owens is writing a number of books with Courtney Parker as part of "T.O.'s Timeout Series." The second volume, "Little T Learns What Not to Say," is due this spring 2007; "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry" is expected to hit shelves next fall.

"It's a life lesson for discipline," Parker told the newspaper. "It's ironic because he's considered one of the more undisciplined players in the NFL."

Clearly, the first page of Little T Learns What Not to Say will be something like, "Don't say yes when the officer asks if you were trying to harm yourself."

Owens, friend writing series of children's books [ESPN.com]
Cover image via Galleycat

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October 05, 2006

NBC 10 Unveils Creepiest T.O. Image Possible

Ahh! What the hell is that? What perverted Photoshop filter did they used to get that effect? Get it away from me!

Send & Read Viewer T.O. Haiku Poems [NBC 10]

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October 03, 2006

Leftovers: If You Don't Read Michelle Malkin, The Terrorists Have Won

• There has been a brouhaha apparently going on about everyone's favorite internment camp defender, Michelle Malkin, on the letters pages of the Camden Courier Post for a while now. Today, a Malkin defender writes: "They don't want people to just stop reading a column. They want to keep others from reading an opinion which differs from theirs. It is similar to the extremist terrorists who feel that, if you don't follow their teachings, you should be made to pay with your life. How dare someone not agree with them." Wow. I didn't know Malkin's detractors wanted her and her readers dead. Hmm. The more you know. [Courier Post]

• Oh, it is Tuesday afternoon, and that means it is the start of the T.O.-returns-to-Philly circus! Be prepared for almost a whole week of rehashing last season, Super Bowl 39 highlights and speculations about T.O.'s possible suicide attempt. By Thursday, you won't be able to keep your lunch down, no sir. [Inquirer]

• Here are Mark Foley's IMs to a congressional page. Foley messages: "did you spank it this weekend yourself?" Hot, hot, hot. Er, wait. [ABC News]

• The Phillies "good" bullpen might not have been so "good" after all. Who'd a-thunk it? [Beerleaguer]

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October 02, 2006

'SI' Writer Lays Down The Law On Dunce T.O.

Commentary on Terrell Owens from the his SI.com column today:

And, though I won't harp on it, let me say I certainly give more credence to the initial police report than I do the "I didn't attempt suicide'' admission by Owens the next day. Why have we all been so quick to dismiss the Dallas police report from officers on the scene? The report said Owens had attempted suicide, and said his publicist Kim Etheredge told police Owens had been depressed, and said that when officers asked Owens if he had attempted to harm himself, he said, "Yes.'' Yet just because Owens denied it all a day later and said he didn't remember being questioned because he was too groggy, he's getting a hall pass in many circles. Not in this one.

Yeah, you tell him, Peter King! You're not giving that bully troublemaker T.O. a hall pass even though you have no idea what actually happened! Yeah! Don't give him a hall pass in your circle! Stand up to the media mob!

I'd go down the Linc and tell off Peter King myself tonight, but, wouldn't you know it, I don't have a hall pass.

The old, boring Eagles [SI.com]

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September 29, 2006

Don't Quit Your Day Job, Johnny

The Daily News' Gar Joseph -- who also has some fantastic reporting about how Philly politics work in his article -- today unintentionally furthers my theory that John Street is actually an amazing actor who is playing the role of a bumbling mayor (thanks, Liz):

"I should also announce that Terrell Owens is going to be the mental-health adviser to the task force." -- Mayor Street, joking [we think] at the end of a City Hall news conference yesterday announcing a task force to assess the performance of city schools.

See? He has to be an actor. The greatest actor ever. He's made us all believe.

Gar Joseph | The Council-seat done-deal we predicted? Done. [Daily News, last item]
What? What? [TTWS]
Sept. 20: Company In Dire Straits Hands Out $500K Bonuses; Mayor Street Thinks It's (Naturally) A Fantastic Idea

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September 28, 2006

Leftovers: Whale Watching

• A whale has washed up on the shores of Wildwood Crest, leaving the town's current Autumn population of 15 shocked. [NBC 10]

• The dance-off for jobs at the Philly Park casino continues, with the applicants now comparing it to American Idol. This idea's a little wacky, but I'm all for replacing getting signatures with dancing to "YMCA" as a way to get on the ballot. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Be sure to check out the New York Post's top 10 reasons why TO would want to kill himself list! It has all the hilarity of a root canal performed without novocaine by a labrador retriever who's also urinating on you. [Gawker]

• For you statheads (ok, for me personally), here's a listing of the Eagles' ranking in alternate football statistics from Football Outsiders. [Scrapple]

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Owens Trying Dr. Seuss Method Of Spin

Something tells me he's still a little out of it.

Suicide Attempt? 'Absurb,' Says Terrell Owens [KYW 1060]

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September 27, 2006

Leftovers: The T.O. Show

• Your final T.O. update of the day: He says he wasn't attempting suicide. Said the report of him taking 35 pills was "absurd" and everything was just a misunderstanding. Take what you want from that. [ESPN.com]

• A group of parents are upset because -- wait for it! -- the Philadelphia School District has declared October "Gay & Lesbian History Month." "As a parent, I do understand why they would want to include everyone," said Addie Williams, who's on the Home and School council. "But... I personally would not want to announce that or include that in a public setting because I believe in a man and a woman - a mother-and-a-father household." Translation: "I like everyone, except for those queers." [Daily News]

• There's nothing like a little bit of needless fighting to remind you how great the "good old days" were: "If I did not understand by 'words' what respect meant, then Mom, using Dad’s leather belt across my butt or the back of the legs, surely did! And sometimes it might even be the neighbor who taught a kid 'respect.' My old gym teacher? When he caught two kids fighting in the school yard? He 'drug' them down to the school gym and on went the boxing gloves. They slugged it out until one hollered, 'I quit.'" Ahh, is there anything better than an adult writing a letter to the editor about his fantasies of beating up random kids because they looked at him the wrong way? [Chestnut Hill Local]

• Five of the state's racetrack casinos have been approved by the state Gaming Control Board. Let the money wasting begin! [Inquirer]

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Eagles Fans Already Hoping The Team Can Somehow Avoid Playing Against T.O.

Thanks, Philly.com message board. Thanks.

T.O. violated NFL substance abuse policy [Philly.com Eagles Forum]
Archives: Terrell Owens

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An Update On Terrell Owens

The Dallas police held a press conference a little over an hour ago to update the status of Terrell Owens. Or, really, just to release a statement and then walk away. The police said they didn't know how the police report got out, that no one was being charged with anything, and that's about it.

Owens' publicist has disputed the facts of the police report, which stated that an officer asked T.O. if he was trying to harm himself and he responded, "Yes." The Cowboys are holding a press conference later this afternoon.

The breaking news has brought out the jokers and the armchair psychiatrists. And some Dallas TV stations are interviewing the experts, like this story from WFAA-TV:

"This is stunning news; obviously and incredibly surprising that a man in this position would reach this level of depression," said WFAA-TV sports director Dale Hansen. "There's something terribly wrong here, and hopefully we'll find out as the day goes on."

"There's something strange about his quote," said Philadelphia Will Do blogger Daniel McQuade. "But I can't quite put my finger on it."

Update, 1:30 p.m.: T.O. is giving a press conference in front of his house in a few. If you want to follow this story, the Dallas Morning News' blog isn't bad. It also contains this:

"We will get the truth from the man himself," said Deion Sanders. "He will tell the truth."

Mystery surrounds T.O. illness [Star-Telegram]
Police report: Terrell Owens attempted suicide [WFAA-TV]

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Report: T.O. Attempted Suicide

A police report out of Dallas says that ex-Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens -- really, if you're reading this I hope you know who he is by now -- attempted suicide last night:

Terrell Owens told police he attempted suicide last night.

CBS 11 News first reported the Dallas Cowboys wide receiver was wheeled into Baylor Medical Center Tuesday night.

According to the Dallas Police Department incident report, Owens told police he took more than 30 pills in a suicide attempt.

Sources tell CBS 11 News Owens was taken to Baylor Hospital by Dallas Fire Rescue and that emergency room doctors attempted to induce vomiting.

Nice that CBS 11 News in Dallas interrupted their report on a man's attempted suicide to plug themselves. More on this as it develops.

DPD Report Says Owens Attempted Suicide [CBS 11]

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September 19, 2006

Leftovers: First They Came For The Marlboro Men, And I Did Not Speak Out Because I Was Not A Marlboro Man...

• The Bulletin on the Smoking Ban: "The anti-smoking Nazis have passed their first Nuremberg law, and more will follow." Because if you can't compare genocidal facism to a not being able to light up in a bar, what can you compare it to? [Bulletin]

• The Inquirer's Marc Narducci asks if Eagles fans are overrated because he saw a few people leaving the game early Sunday. As a commenter pointed out, the Eagles certainly left the game before any of their fans did. And who the hell is Marc Narducci (or anyone, really) able to judge who is a "true" fan or not? That being said, Eagles fans did get way too many votes in the most recent AP poll. [Eye on the Eagles]

• Your three new City Councilpeople come November, ladies and gentlemen: Carol Campbell, William Greenlee and Daniel Savage. How many people saw that list and said, "Wait. The writer of Savage Love is running for City Council?" [AP/Philly.com]

• Terrell Owens is now "likely" to rejoin the Dallas Cowboys for their Oct. 8 game at the Linc. ARAMARK breathes sigh of relief, buys 50 billion kegs of Bud Light in advance of game. [AP/Yahoo!]

• And now for the latest edition of Northeast-Philadelphian-In-Space: The shuttle Atlantis has had its return delayed due to a piece of debris that may have floated out of the craft. They're likely to return Thursday or Friday now, upon which Chris Ferguson will get a celebratory shopping spree at Franklin Mills. [AP/CNN.com]

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August 28, 2006

Ultimate Schadenfreude

Yesterday, the Dallas Morning News reported that new Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens had been fined $9,500 for missing two meetings and a rehab session on Friday.

A little under $10,000 isn't quite a big fine for the receiver, who signed a three-year, $25 million deal in the offseason. But we all know from the trials and tribulations of last season that Owens doesn't quite like anything done to him, ever. But, in case you haven't been paying close attention to Cowboys training camp and their trials and tribulations with Owens -- because, really, who hasn't? -- here's a short list:

• Owens has missed 19 of 31 practices so far at this training camp with a hamstring injury.
• During one of his bike riding sessions, he wore the old uniform of Lance Armstrong. Fortunately, he avoided a Floyd Landis costume.
• He flew in assistants to help him with rehab. The Associated Press article sort of paints this as a bad thing. I'm not quite sure -- it sounds like a good thing to me -- but whatever.
• And now there's this fine.

Uh, actually, that doesn't sound like he's done anything all that bad, until he missed a few meetings.

But, still, at least he played in the preseason last year.

T.O. going too far? WR reportedly fined $9,500 [AP/ESPN.com]

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August 14, 2006

Leftovers: A Gay American (And A Gay Talk Show Host)

• Guess who might be a co-host on Joan Rivers "queer version of The View"? That's right, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey! We can't wait for the episode about appointing your alleged lover to a position in Homeland Security. [NY Post]

• Terrell Owens hasn't practiced with the Cowboys for 12 days. All together now: Hmmmm... [NBC 10 Eagles Blog]

• PATCO has begun a rollout of new high-speed line fare cards that are much easier than the old card system Patco used. SEPTA is not thinking of changing its "three chickens and a goat" fare system anytime soon. [KYW 1060]

• The 911 calls from the Brett Myers incident have been released; naturally, they contain this line from a caller: "What a stupid idiot." [Inquirer]

• Thousands mobbed American Idol auditions at the Meadowlands today. Yep. Thousands of horsemen and horsewomen of the apocalypse. [AP/Camden Courier-Post]

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July 24, 2006

Countdown to Nov. 8: McNabb vs. T.O.

NBC 10 did a little Owens/McNabb mashup last night on the news, juxtaposing their recent comments. Here it is:

That "truth" line from owens is particularly funny, especially due to his recent comments that, well, he pulled a Charles Barkley:

Included in the public-relations blitz were more jabs at Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb and claims from Owens that he was - and this is rich - misquoted in his own book, when he referred to his comeback from a broken right fibula and sprained ankle to play in the Super Bowl as "nothing short of heroic." During one book-signing appearance, Owens told reporters the word "heroic" came from Rosenhaus. Unfortunately for Owens, a spokeswoman for the publisher denied that claim.

Indeed! But know what's even worse for Owens? When viewing Owens' and McNabb's comments back-to-back, it's pretty clear: T.O. just got owned by Donovan. Ouch.

It's only a few months, friends, until Cowboys-Eagles at the Linc.

Owens airing his previews of coming distractions [Orlando Sentinel]

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July 18, 2006

T.O. Exits His Vault Of Gold Dubloons To Complain The Media Treats Him Unfairly

When he's not robbing banks or kicking puppies, Terrell Owens sometimes talks to the media. (This is kind of like saying President Bush sometimes makes himself sound stupid.) And, inbetween bites of babies he was eating, Owens talked with Real Sports' Bryant Gumble. Then he gave Gumble a wedgie.

In an interview airing tonight, Owens told Gumble two things: (1) He's a virgin and a chronic masturbator, and (2) The media is biased against him and he's not really a selfish player.

"The only thing I can really think of is maybe it was the way I grew up, you know," he said, according to a transcript released Monday to The Associated Press. "I got picked on so much, and it's like I feel like I'm still constantly being picked on." ¶ Owens said he doesn't think reporters are necessarily conspiring against him as much as using him "to gain viewers' attention." As a result, he believes that he is "misunderstood." He said other players have been, too, "but I feel like I have been one of the main guys who've been vilified."

Owens then beat up Steven Hawking, robbed the bank account of Alex's Lemonade Stand and killed Barbaro. Then he bashed his quarterback in a national interview.

T.O. tells HBO he's misunderstood; wonders `Why me?' [AP/Yahoo!]

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