May 30, 2008

Millionairematch Guy Actually Homeless

There's more on everyone's new favorite con man, Paul Krueger. The man who allegedly bilked women who met him on Millionairematch.com by telling them he was a Grammy-nominated music producer was arrested yesterday in Atlantic City.

Cops say he stole around $100,000 from 13 women and gambled it away down the shore. The Daily News says not only was he not a millionaire, he was homeless! "He used his only possession, a laptop, to lure women," the paper writes.

He apparently didn't even meet most of the women he scammed money from; he just got them to send him money for his new company that would be making CDs and DVDs. Yes, people are stupid, la de da.

Internet seducer nabbed in scam [Inquirer]

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May 22, 2008

Shocker: Voters Are Stupid

Dick Polman has a blog post today that is absolutely hilarious and you must read it. Apparently, some dude did a focus group with 12 voters who didn't follow politics much and wondered why the primary wasn't over yet.

And, of course, they all think Obama is a Muslim, even though his Christian pastor's comments about how America throws a ton of black people in prison for fun were all over the news a month or so ago. Let's just quote the best parts:

For instance, here's Dorita, opining about Obama: "I'm a little concerned. I don't know enough about his Muslim background and their beliefs and how he views everything. I'm a little concerned. I need to check his background."

Here's Josh on Obama: "He's representing a minority in more than one case. He is African American and he is Muslim. And in light of that...it does feel like we're being judged or pounded down on because we want to carry a gun or we want to wear the American flag pin."

Here's Melinda, clearly the GOP's dream voter: "I just really feel like he's...not a people pleaser as in the Americans, but the other people who don't necessarily need to be pleased, the other, the enemies if you will, I don't know. I'm just not real positive on that."

The comments then explode with people who love to read blogs they hate (for reasons I can't understand, but whatever) attacking Polman for making fun of people who think Obama is a Muslim.

But, uh, this isn't really surprising. Let's generalize for a moment: Most people don't really seem to care much about the truth; they care more about what they want to believe. If you want to believe Barack Obama is a Muslim, then you can probably find evidence that Obama is an evil Muslim who's going to destroy America -- whether it's in a chain email or a Daniel Pipes column.

And if you need any evidence that people are stupid, then there are nearly 8,000 posts on this website that seem to confirm that. And then there's me, who has written nearly a billion words on this stupidity, sometimes coming off rather stupid myself. In a word: Duh.

Equal time for the willfully ignorant [American Debate]

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April 20, 2008

1960s Radicals Continue To Be Attacked

Look, a man goes to a Phillies-Mets game at Citizens Bank Park with his Met fan wife and says Philly fans are awful. His reasoning? "You must remember that this is the same city that is famous for booing Santa Claus during a pro football game a number of years ago."

Uh, no, you probably don't remember it, because it happened before Woodstock. Complaining about Philadelphia sports fans and referencing the Santa Claus incident is like going to Chicago and saying it's a bad place because of the police response to protesters at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. It's kind of exactly the same, since both happened the same year.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:51 PM | Comments (4)

April 04, 2008

Stupid Newsletter Editor Fired

The University Village Apartment complex near Temple sent out its newsletter earlier this month with a little April Fool's Day poem on the backside.

But whoops! The poem contained the line "Extinct are the Jews," and now somebody has been fired at University Village. As CBS 3's Jamie Smith reported, "The newsletter offended many at the apartment complex." Gee, you think?

Video after the jump. (Note: Yes, Redlasso clips crash some browsers still, and that's why I keep embedding them after the jump. I apparently hadn't posted this warning before; sorry about that.)

Continue reading "Stupid Newsletter Editor Fired"

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February 13, 2008

Your Editor Remains Unloved

In case you didn't know, I'm kind of a picky eater. I don't like much food, and I've always been mystified as to why that offends people so much.

It's so stupid of me that I didn't think of the answer sooner: People are idiots!

Judging from postings at food Web sites like chowhound.com and slashfood.com, people seem more willing to date those who restrict their diet for health or religion rather than mere dislike.

Typical sentiments included: “Medical and religious issues I can work around as long as the person is sincere and consistent, but flaky, picky cheaters — no way” and “picky eaters are remarkably unsexy.”

Oh, wah wah wah. So if I don't eat Chinese food because God forbid me to, it's okay. If I do it because I find Chinese food disgusting, I'm "unsexy." Even though the former is the one where you're going to hell for eating food my God forbids.

Whoa, I just tried to rationalize how people think. Forget it, I'm going to get a PB&J sandwich.

I Love You, but You Love Meat [NYT via FooBooz]
Wet, the Appetite [PW]

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February 06, 2008

Locals Try Futile Attempts At Voting

Philadelphians put their best feet forward yesterday and attempted to vote in the Most Important Election Ever Between A Black And A Woman. Only problem: Pennsylvania's primary isn't until April 22.

But, still, the city's most informed residents lined up to vote yesterday, apparently confused by the media into thinking their votes counted. They usually don't count anyway, but this time nobody could even get a chance to pretend it did.

It was among the first of more than 400 calls from people who thought it was Election Day in Philadelphia, according to workers in the city commissioners office. "We've been telling people the only way they can vote is to get in their car and drive to Jersey," joked Tim Dowling, a campaign finance specialist in the office.

"We were very patient and explained [that] there was a primary in New Jersey but not here," said another worker who asked not to be identified.... Most people were very polite; they apologized for calling. But some of them insisted, they knew it was Election Day and they were going to vote. So we told them to go over the bridge."

Unfortunately, those who attempted to cross the bridge into New Jersey accidentally drove off the bridge. Election officials were counting a jump off the northern side as a vote for Hillary, and a jump off the southern side as a vote for Obama.

Don't feel bad, though, Philadelphians: This happened all over the country.

Sometimes voting 'don't come easy' [Daily News]

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November 28, 2007

Fake Cop Tries To Make Arrest In Front Of Real Cop

Harry V. Hackert allegedly pulled a pretty funny prank in Bensalem yesterday. Oh, wait, not pretty funny. You see, what he did was say he was a police officer, pull over someone at Knights and Street Road (like 10 seconds outside the city) and wave a loaded gun in the driver's face!

Turns out, he wasn't a cop. (If you hadn't figured that out by now.) A real Bensalem police officer wins the right place award for being across the street with his video camera, according to the Bucks County Courier Times.

Although he had an unmarked car, the fake cop sure went to a lot of trouble, even making sure he was grieving for a real, recently-killed police officer.

Hackert made a genuine effort to look like a cop. Besides the lights and sirens, he had a fake badge that appeared to be issued by the Philadelphia Police Department. It even had a strip of black tape across it to look like the bands police stretch across their badges to signify the death of a police officer, police said.

'Course, he wasn't wearing any type of uniform and was just a private security guard. But, hey, who doesn't want to pull over an annoying driver in front of you and wave around a gun every once in a while? At least most of us don't act on that.

Update: And across the river, a plainclothes police officer was outside a bank during a robbery attempt! Be sure to read the comments: "Damn...if the perp had only showed a weapon...then the Lt would have been justified in ensuring another criminal no longer walks the streets...dammit..." I can't imagine being excited somebody had been killed, but, you know, I'm not from Jersey I guess.

Man charged with impersonating a cop [Courier Times]

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November 27, 2007

Penn Panty Raider Arrested!

A Penn student has been arrested for allegedly mastermining several panty raids.

Yes, Penn senior Felix Wang was arrested for allegedly stalking several Penn women -- really? Penn women? -- and stealing their panties. This goes to show that watching all three Revenge of the Nerds movies over and over will do to you. (One of the women he's accused of stalking lives in the dorm I used to live in.)

The one-man panty raid gang allegedly stole a woman's dorm room key and entered her place; a roommate called police. But he didn't apparently even need to do that, since Penn kids are just too smart to lock their doors.

"I don't feel particularly safe because I don't lock my door and I know most college kids don't, so something like that, it could lead to bigger instances," student Christine Guo said.

Hey, people. You all have $3,000 computers and $500 iPods and expensive cell phones, etc. Plus, uh, this. Here's an idea they don't teach in Econ 1: Lock your fucking doors!

UPenn Student Arrested For Alleged Underwear Theft [CBS 3]

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November 13, 2007

Wilmington Councilman To Waste Time, Money

Usually, when people really care about stupid shit, it's confined to them and their supporters. Take, for example, these people planning on a boycott of stores that sell toy guns. I, for one, cannot imagine caring about what kind of water pistols KB Toys sells. (When I hear people angry over toy guns at stores, I mainly think about whether products such as, say, the Nintendo Zapper would trigger a boycott.)

NBC 10's Tim Furlong reports that "despite a September resolution from City Council asking stores to remove the guns from their shelves, some stores like KB Toys in the Franklin Mills Mall sell guns in all colors, shapes and sizes, including a realistic-looking machine gun and handgun purchased by Furlong." Ooh, a toy gun sting operation!

Okay, so Philadelphia City Council did pass a resolution, but those people waste time like it's their job. (Because it is.) But it wasn't binding and KB Toys was free to continuing selling Super Soakers and more realistic-looking toys, too. But that's not the case in Wilmington, where a City Councilman is planning on banning saggy pants.

Much like the councilwoman in Trenton who proposed similar legislation, the proposed ordinance would fine people up to $250 for pants that this one councilman didn't like the style of. His reasoning is not the weird saggy-pants-are-a-gateway-drug argument in some locales where this has popped up, but simply because... ah... well, let's let the councilman, Mike Brown, explain:

Brown defended his stance by saying, "Listen, I know under the first amendment everybody has their rights, but i have rights too."

Although the right to wear saggy pants (the 22nd Amendment) is being eroded, fortunately we still have a lot of other of our civil liberties. Well, okay, hmm. How's this: Fortunately, I can still make fun of this dude proposing the law online. It'll be debated next month, which I can only assume will be completely awesome.

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October 17, 2007

N.J. Rep. To Lose Seat Next Election

New Jersey congressman Jim Saxton on the Democrats' criticism of him for his planned vote to uphold President Bush's veto on SCHIP:

Saxton added that he believes the American people are “too smart” to be fooled by the criticism directed against him.

Jim Saxton thinks the American people are "too smart" for something? Damn, he's even stupider than your average American.

Saxton remains steadfast on SCHIP issue [Burlington County Times]

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October 16, 2007

Scranton Woman Cited For Cursing At Toilet

When [whoever, look up on Wikipedia before you post] wrote the Bill of Rights, he probably should have stopped after five words. But the next couple words weren't so bad, either, since it gave us the right to freedom of speech, along with a couple of other super-cool freedoms. An American is free to say he thinks Hitler's mustache was cute, free to worship God, Jesus or Barbaro, free to print a newspaper that says President Bush is an alien and free to have a job posting stupid jokes on a stupid blog.

Freedom of speech has its limits, though, apparently. Take the case of West Scranton's Dawn Herb, who could face 90 days in jail and a $300 fine for cursing at her toilet.

Herb was attempting to get her toilet to stop overflowing when she called it a "fucking child rapist asshole motherfucker." Or, rather, she didn't call it that, but the article doesn't say what she said, so I made something up with a bunch of curses in it. She admits saying some "choice words," though, and her neighbor (a police officer) heard them.

“The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for my daughter) to get the mop,” she said. “A guy is yelling, ‘Shut the fuck up,’ and I yelled back, ‘Mind your own business.’ ”

After somebody told this woman to "shut the fuck up," neighbor Patrick Gilman (an off-duty police officer), called the cops and had her arrested for disorderly conduct! In her own house! The citation accuses Herb of cursing "with intent to cause public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm or recklessly (creating) a risk."

So, if you're wondering, apparently it's illegal to annoy me now. Enjoy the archives of this website, ladies and gentlemen, because I am certainly going to jail for a life now.

West Side woman faces jail time for swearing at toilet [Scranton Tribune]

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September 20, 2007

Fast Food Nearly Kills Someone Quickly This Time

Yesterday, NBC 10 ran a breaking exclusive story of a man who choked on an onion ring and then crashed his truck because of it. Miraculously, though, the crash saved his life because it dislodged the onion ring.

Basically, this story encompasses everything one needs to know about America: giant automobiles, fast food, God and stupidity.

Bryan Rocco has a hunger for fast food but never thought a Burger King onion ring would almost kill him, NBC 10's Ted Greenberg reported. "I was eating my lunch on the road," Rocco said, adding that he soon found himself "gasping for air."

Nice lead-in. Wouldn't that work for every story where someone dies or nearly dies? "Bob Smith liked skydiving, but he never thought his 'chute wouldn't open!"

Continue reading "Fast Food Nearly Kills Someone Quickly This Time"

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August 29, 2007

Preacher Who Sucked Cock Invites Gays To Church

Across the river in Jersey, they do have the gay civil unions, due to a state Supreme Court ruling and subsequent law passed. But not everyone is on board, and not just the Catholics.

The pastor of the Cumberland County Community Church put up a sign advertising "Help for the homosexual" at his service this weekend, and NBC 10 was kind enough to go interview him about how much he hates the gays.

Turns out -- and here's a shocker! -- the speaker delivering this speech, Greg Quinlan, is gay himself. Well, okay, he's "ex-gay," and believes he can turn people from same-sex attraction to the Lord because he repressed it well enough, didn't he?

The church's pastor says, hey, anybody can be ex-gay if you just pray hard enough! "He has been set free, and because he has been set free in Christ, others can be set free also." Yeah, yeah. NBC 10 even interviewed some dudes on the street, and came up with an excellent closing line:

"I think they should help gay people so they can stop being gay," Joel Ortiz, of Millville, said.

"I think that's pretty misleading. I guess, because I don't believe that can happen," Saida Sawyer, of Morristown, N.J., said.

[The pastor] said he is simply teaching the truth. Others, though, said his ideas of faith are filled with fiction.

Church Sign Offers To 'Help' Gays [NBC 10]

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July 31, 2007

Americans Too Lazy To Even Take Magic Health Pills

I am pretty much cynical about everything, but I must admit I'm impressed by modern medicine. "Wait, so you mean I can take these little pills and my health will improve?" Ding, ding, ding. Easy answers, this is what I like to see.

I am, however, about as organized as a college student, i.e. I don't even know what day it is. And sometimes I do forget to take my little magic pills that stop me from coughing or sneezing or crying all day or having ridiculous acne. (That last one is the best one.) But I'm usually pretty good and rarely miss a day, because these are magic pills that improve your life. Apparently, though, most people are even worse than I am.

A radio report on KYW 1060 says people don't take prescriptions like they should. A study says this somehow costs the economy $177 billion in bills and lost productivity. (Right, but remember: That dude comes out with a study saying the NCAA Tournament costs the economy like 20 trillion dollars every year.)

Anyway, not even helping us get healthy with little magic pills is easy enough for Americans.

There's many issues. In fact, there are a number of layers of things that are problematic. First of all, it's not always easy to read the prescription directions. Many times they're confusing. When you get your prescription from the pharmacy, they're could be all sorts of paperwork or things stapled or glued to the prescriptions.

In addition to that, many people don't believe they have to take their medications. For instance, people with high blood pressure don't take their medications as much as 51 percent of the time, despite the fact that high blood pressure could triple the risk of heart disease down the road.

So if we're smart enough to figure out how to get our medicine out of the packaging -- there are things stapled to it! -- there's a chance we might believe we should take this medicine. Keep in mind, we also spend billions of dollars on dietary supplements, but still don't take enough calcium or whatever.

Poor Medication Adherence Could Be Costing US Billions [KYW 1060]

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July 05, 2007

The Show Must Go On, Even If It's Cancelled

The weather didn't really cooperate on the holiday yesterday. Although Philadelphia natives Hall & Oates -- one of whom has the greatest mustache of all time (I think it's Oates, though it could be Hall) -- were able to perform their 4th of July concert, the city told everyone to go home afterwards, as the rain would postpone the Independence Day fireworks.

Of course, 40 minutes later, the fireworks went on, for the benefit of television viewers -- because there's really nothing better than watching fireworks on television! KYW 1060 reports the station was actually told "shortly after" the postponement that the fireworks would go on: "We actually are going to make sure that our viewers at home get a spectacular 4th of July and that we'll be running the fireworks momentarily."

The estimated viewership for the fireworks at home was like 3 people.

Phila. Fireworks Set Off After People Sent Home [KYW 1060]
A heavy rainfall fails to dampen July Fourth fun [Inquirer]

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April 30, 2007

Fortune Teller Crackdown Spells Doom For Us All

Acting on a tip from the police department last week, the city's Department of Licensing & Inspections (aka the dreaded L&I) decided to take care of the one problem all city residents could agree needed fixing: Those stupid signs all over town that say "I BUY TRAINS" or "LOSE WEIGHT IN 30 DAYS" or "I BUY HOUSES."

Ha ha, of course not! What L&I actually did was shut down the city's fortune tellers. The state technically has a decades-old law preventing fortune tellers from, ah, predicting the future "for gain or lucre." (Lucre? This law was clearly written in approximately 1789.)

It seems odd that the state has a ban on fortune telling when it also has a legalized lottery and casino gambling, but "making sense" is not something government does, ever. Cops haven't arrested anyone and nobody's been fined, but if these people attempt to return to their livelihoods, they will be. Deputy L&I commish Dominic Verdi tried to make it sound as if he was doing the city a great favor.

Most so-called psychics, he said, "are not little old ladies with kerchiefs on their heads" but clever con artists capable of stealing large sums - even life savings - from grieving or otherwise vulnerable people.

As opposed to casinos and the lottery, which.... well, whatever.

The Inquirer interviewed the owner of Psychic, the fortune teller on Walnut Street -- naturally, near the head shop Wonderland -- who said he had a license from the city and paid taxes. He also said he was raided by the Major Crimes Unit, because, you know, he's really a danger to the community. (You would think the police would use the fortune tellers to predict where the next murder was going to be!)

"Shouldn't they be cracking down on rapes and murders, not palm readers?" he asked. He also demanded to know whether tea-leaf readers in Chinatown were also being shut down. He doubted it.

"They're discriminating against Gypsies," he said, although he said he was born and raised in Philadelphia.

Finally, he noted that critics "considered that Jesus was a psychic, a fortune-teller, and they crucified him." He saw a certain parallel. "Look what they want to do with the fortune-tellers," the man said. "We might be coming to the end of the world."

Gee, thanks a lot, L&I. Because of you, the fucking world is going to end. I hope you're happy.

Who knew? An old law shuts psychics [Inquirer]

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August 31, 2006

Street Sticking To His, Uh, Libertarianism

Way back in June, City Council finally passed a smoking ban. The bill had exemptions, of course, but the city's anti-smoking lobby was excited, City Council was excited, even some bar owners were down with it. It wasn't so hot for Joe Camel, but, c'mon.

Mayor Street had until early September to sign the bill, City Council went on vacation and the whole thing was promptly forgotten, except for conversations with smokers in bars. ("Oh, you know we won't be able to do that in a few months!" "Wow." "Hey, want to come home with me?" "No.") Everyone figured it'd be signed in a few months, would go into effect in January and we'd all come home smelling a lot less shitty.

Except, uh, right. In a clever and oh-so-predictable display of John Streetedness, John Street is probably not going to sign the bill.

It's fairly simple, of course: Michael Nutter spearheaded the bill, and Street doesn't like Nutter and doesn't want him to be the next mayor. Street could probably come up with a good fake reason to oppose the bill, but he's come up with, by far, the stupidest reason in the history of Philadelphia politics (And, remember, this is a city that bombed a block of rowhomes and let it burn.)

Street's reasoning is, of course, that the smoking ban is "defective" because... it allows patrons to smoke outdoors. That's right! Ol' Johnny boy says he's not going to sign the bill because you can smoke at sidewalk cafes. "A smoking ban that doesn't include sidewalk cafes isn't much of a ban." Now, Street coulda said something about the exemptions for taverns -- especially the clash between state and local laws, which force bars to choose between going smoke-free or closing on Sundays -- or private clubs. Or he could have put on a chicken suit and clucked at cars for four hours yesterday in opposition to the bill because it uses the letter "e" too much.

Either of those would have been better, more reasonable reasons to dislike the smoking ban. But instead Street goes with the most random fake reason to dislike the bill he can come up with. In the smoking bans across this great nation of ours, where is the one place where you're usually allowed to smoke? That's right: Sidewalk cafes.

Oh, Street has another good money quote, too: "We are all for a ban, but the way it happened isn't a model of the legislative process." Okay, I'll give you a minute to stop laughing before moving on.

Done? Good. So what's going to happen now? As usual, who knows. All we know is: Smoke 'em if you got 'em, and even if you don't, well, somebody next to you might.

Street balking on smoke-ban bill [Daily News]
June 16: Q&A On The Smoking Bill

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