June 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: "A BAD PUN: Gov. Ed tries to push Pennsylvania forward, but he just can't budge it." The first step to stopping bad puns is admitting you have a problem. Eleven steps to go, John.

Update: Anyway, we now have a budget. Baer's column is (as usual) pretty solid, but man, oh man, is the state budget the most boring thing in the history of the world.

Stu Bykofsky: Ha, ha, Stu doesn't want to be fined $150 for dropping his cigarette butts on the ground. (Also: If you contest the littering fine and lose, it's doubled. Guh-wah?)

Posted by D-Mac at 09:02 AM | Comments (0)

June 26, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, somebody finally wrote about how Aaron McKie could go to prison for a long, long time for lying on a gun application. Fortunately for us, Stu has a sentence in mind of his own, and he wrote about it.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, some people wrote some not-so-subtle racist letters in response to a Polaneczky column.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, no, now some Muslims are pissed at Barack Obama!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (2)

June 23, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Get this! People are holding rock concerts in order to sign people up to vote! I know, those longhairs are finally doing something useful -- must be low on the reefer! (Or perhaps have some of that more potent pot.) Perhaps they could tell people to "rock the vote" or something.

Stu Bykofsky: This column is awesome, just because I know it's going to draw incredible comments.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:35 AM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Stu is in New Orleans, apparently.

Ronnie Polaneczky: EMS hired some new people with some new rules City Council passed.

MIchael Smerconish: Remember John McCain's first wife, the one who wasn't a beer baroness? Of course you don't. Well, she apparently doesn't hate McCain, which Smerconish presents as if it's some kind of novelty. Because everyone hates John McCain.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:45 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: The best part of this column is the one Republican calling Ed Rendell's health care plan "New Deal thinking." Yes! And that Al Jolson is quite the actor!

Stu Bykofsky: This is Stu's joke: "I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck." Get it? Because those Pakistani Muslims are always blowing themselves up! Ho, ho!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)

June 12, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: There's a bishop accused of covering up a sexual relationship in his church -- and he's Episcopalian!

Stu Bykofsky: Tourist attractions have stupid rules than don't always make you feel so welcome.

Michael Smerconish: A heartwarming story from Michael Smerconish himself.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:19 AM | Comments (1)

June 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Ha ha, all the politicians in the state legislature don't want to lose their seats so they gerrymander their districts. Because they're politicians.

Christine Flowers: OMG there's a Catholic priest who Flowers doesn't like! He said mean things about white people, though, so there's your explanation.

Stu Bykofsky: Apparently everybody is just coming up to Stu Bykofsky (on the street?) and asking him what's going to happen to Larry Mendte because he just knows the biz.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

June 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Wednesday
Jill Porter: There has never been a more complicated issue in the history of mankind than Rick's Steaks leaving the Reading Terminal Market.

John Baer: It's about Obama, and it's pretty good I guess.

Thursday
Dave Davies: We now have a strict deadline from the Daily News for the mayor to stop taking advantage of a loophole in the city's campaign finance laws.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu thinks Bonnie & Clyde should get more than 5 years in prison. Also, he is starting to write awesome endings in every single column.

Maybe the best punishment Bonnie & Clyde got was the public exposure and humiliation.

Thank you, Regina Medina.

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is a column that namedrops other Daily News columnists. Not just at the end this time. Throughout.

Michael Smerconish: Smerconish was quoted by Bill Clinton in a press release! "Independent observers continue to praise President Clinton's abilities on the stump: 'I have always said that Bill Clinton is still par excellence among all of them .'"

Posted by D-Mac at 09:47 AM | Comments (0)

May 29, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Okay, let's bring up a bunch of times where cops hitting people on tape, and explain why they were all good. Oh, but this recent one... maybe it wasn't so okay! But he gives them some options for stories the cops can tell that will make him feel better: "Did they believe that one of the men they were apprehending was wanted for the murder of Sgt. Stephen Liczbinski? Did they think the three were involved in the shooting of a civilian? Did they encounter resistance that the camera didn't pick up? Were any police injured in any way by the three men? Were racial epithets hurled by the men toward police?" What a strange column, even for Smerconish.

Stu Bykofsky: Come on, Stu, enough people know about the Tuskegee Airmen by now -- look how long their Wikipedia entry is! -- to call them "one of World War II's least-known outfits."

John Baer: Ha, ha, Bill Clinton has become a trainwreck of some sort.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yes, how dare the Boy Scouts attempt to keep their rent-free building with a lawsuit. Come on, they're just doing the American thing!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Today, Stu quotes an old Chris Rock bit about how not to get beat up by police. Then he adds some of his own riffs! Oh, boy.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yes, yes, people like animals more than they like humans. We all know this. Anyway, some state senator is really insensitive either way.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, noes, hockey is too violent, says Smerconish! Nevermind that hockey is way less violent now than it was, say, 35 years ago.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:47 AM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, Stu was at the Israel celebration on the Parkway yesterday -- the one that blocked off the sidewalk and forced you to walk through the mud if you wanted to get to the Art Museum. (Hey, could this be a good metaphor for the Israel fence? They have a fence, don't they? Oh, forget it.) Anyway, Stu loves him some Israel.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: This is about the LCB and doesn't even mention that it should be abolished!

Stu Bykofsky: Stu's animal welfare series continues today, and today he writes about how it's better to spend money on cats and dogs than homeless people. Or something like that.

John Baer: Yes, Hillary Clinton can't win, and yes, she's still in the race.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Wait, murderers will say shitty things about the person they murdered to get a shorter sentence? No way!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: There are only two paragraphs -- besides those involving quotes -- that have more than one sentence in this column.

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, man, is this a whole week of Stu on animals? I do dislike that PACCA has improved in this regard: "Goofing off by staff is no longer chronic nor tolerated as the norm." Fight the power and goof off on the Internet during work hours, PACCA staffers!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:56 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Uhh, so all the hilarious stuff that Nutter and Ramsay have said over the past week or so? Ronnie loves it!

Stu Bykofsky: This is about inside baseball of animal shelters.

Elmer Smith: This is another person giving his personal vice presidential pick for Barack Obama. Pretty soon all the Daily News columnists will have weighed in, and then Obama will make his pick.

Fatimah Ali: Ms. Ali has some advice for Michelle Obama. I have some too: DON'T LISTEN TO HER, MICHELLE!

Okay, now I read this column and it's all about fashion advice from Ali and her friends. "I hope those unflattering photos of his wife floating around the Internet aren't going to be yet another distraction in Barack Obama's quest to become president." Don't tell Charlie Gibson, he'll ask about it at the first Obama-McCain debate.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (2)

May 12, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Uh, Mike Bloomberg for VP. Really, that's what this column is about.

Flavia Colgan: Whoa, somebody thinks HIllary Clinton should drop out! No way, I totally did not know there were people who thought that.

Stu Bykofsky: Uh-oh, Stu on animals. This could get out of control, really quick. One sec...

Okay, there's this: "Sadly, animal welfare infighting makes Shia/Sunni warfare seem like a debutante party." The rest of it is just about how all the dogs at the PACCA shelters are sick, and he annoys Michael Nutter with questions about animals, so that's kind of funny. But mainly this column is great because it has a cute kitty photo by Steven Falk.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:43 AM | Comments (6)

May 08, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Let's just quote the photo caption: "Scott Camilleri displays the rainbow-trout tattoo that covers the scar from his mastectomy surgery."

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is about a woman who gets along with her son's wife.

Michael Smerconish: Yay! With Brian Hickey no longer at City Paper, I was wondering what columnist would advocate police officers gunning down suspects indiscriminately. Thanks, Mikey! Bonus points for quoting CBS 3's Walt Hunter to show how evil the suspect the cops killed was. The last line, where you mention how the dead suspect is in Hell, though, really sells this one.

Also, Michael Smerconish:Maureen Faulkner::Christine Flowers:Duke Rape Case.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:31 AM | Comments (7)

May 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Uh, yes, politicians get nice perks and don't have to pay for gas. Welcome to America!

Stu Bykofsky: Noted Islamic scholar Stu Bykofsky is at it again!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:13 AM | Comments (0)

May 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: This is about Fumo, but here's a great quote from State Sen. Anthony Williams: "I don't know the Amish and I don't hate them." What? You don't hate those puppy mill-owning jerks!

Ronnie Polaneczky: So this principal wants to hold a lunch for a bunch of schools, and other principals don't want to do it. Oh.

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, look, Stu has jumped on the "Islam is going to ruin America" bandwagon and the "I care what consenting adults do" bandwagon. Polygamy apparently goes hand-in-hand with child abuse according to Stu as well.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, Smerconish visits ol' Rick Mariano in prison. Oh, that's right, Mariano was dumb and abused his office illegally -- as opposed to abusing it legally, which most politicians do anyway -- and he's still in prison away from his family.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:52 AM | Comments (1)

April 28, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Stu used to be black!

John Baer: Hey, Rev. Wright's back!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)

April 24, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Ahh, here's another Stu column about how race isn't all that important anymore.

John Baer: Hey, we're going to get President McCain! Ohh, boy.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, some guy wanted more black bone marrow donors. So go get tested!

Michael Smerconish: Don't give in to cancer, Arlen Specter says!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:38 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Stu says Hillary is done! Ohh!

John Baer: John Baer agrees with anyone with a brain that last night's debate was almost completely worthless.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:46 AM | Comments (0)

April 14, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Wait, you mean this constant whining from Hillary Clinton about Barack Obama calling people "bitter" is just a way to try to get people to vote for her? And it's just a big phony, annoying act? No! (This is a decent column, actually.)

Stu Bykofsky: I'm glad someone finally wrote a column making the country's current mortgage and loan system some how more convoluted. (This is not a decent column, actually.)

Posted by D-Mac at 09:32 AM | Comments (0)

April 10, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Oh my God both of these columns are about Geno's -- I was really hoping to be able to ignore Joey Vento like I've been doing for forever ever now. Crap.

Michael Smerconish: Forget the column, the second comment on the article is the best part: "Word is catching on about Geno's. Terrible cheesesteaks run by a smug, small minded, tattooed up owner with an elemetary school education. The democratic candidates are not the only ones avoiding his shop." Ba-ZING! (Don't worry, the comments section will be swamped with people complaining about Mexicans in a few minutes.)

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, Joe Vento doesn't like being called a bigot. Well, hey, know what could stop that?

Now let us never speak of anything regarding any of this again.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:08 AM | Comments (7)

April 07, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Yes, less than a week after writing about Philadephia's #1 ranking in jail population percentage (among counties, so things are skewed a bit), Stu is back on the animal beat. Turns out Oprah Winfrey's recent episode about puppy mills was kick-started by a local guy who bought a billboard to tell Oprah she was evil for not caring enough about puppies.

Anyway, Oprah told her viewers not to buy puppies from a store -- which you should do for even entirely selfish reasons. Bykofsky told his readers today the American Kennel Club is an enemy of puppies! No, really.

Stu's column today is about 100 times better than the one that won him some award from animal people, further confirming we should not listen to animal people no matter what they say.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:45 AM | Comments (1)

April 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: This column is about how Michael Smerconish got a gold eagle that used to belong to former Eagles owner Leonard Tose. It is, by far, the strangest column topic ever.

Stu Bukofsky: Hey, at least somebody else wrote about Philly's embarrassingly high jailing rate! Will the Inquirer mention it at all? I've got 100/1 odds, people, and I'm looking to rake in some dough.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:13 AM | Comments (1)