May 19, 2008

Sigh.

From an Eagles press release about some stupid "teaching women football" course.

The Eagles Academy workshops will run from 10:00 a.m. to 2:45 p.m. on Saturday, June 21st and Sunday, June 22nd. Approximately 200 women per day will have the opportunity to learn everything from football basics to a breakdown of the game’s different fazes such as offense, defense, special teams and equipment.

I must say, this phases me a bit.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:26 PM | Comments (1)

April 17, 2008

Hillary: Penn Kids Like Me!

Hillary Clinton's campaign actually sent out this press release about an hour ago trumpeting the Daily Pennsylvanian's endorsement of Hillary Clinton in today's paper.

Oddly enough, the paper also endorsed John McCain for some reason.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:01 PM | Comments (2)

March 28, 2008

Hillary Responds To Oilmonger Barack

A press release from Hillary's camp:

But, wait, there's more:

Ahh, yes, those Pittsburgh politicians will have Hillary in the White House in a week or so.

Posted by D-Mac at 02:56 PM | Comments (4)

March 25, 2008

MC Hammer To Fight For Ex-Cons

The following press release was just sent to Philadelphia Will Do via a Yahoo! account.

I have no doubt that MC Hammer will take on discriminatory mandatory minimum sentences and three strikes laws. Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em!

Posted by D-Mac at 04:51 PM | Comments (3)

March 24, 2008

This Is Even Bigger Than Thermometers

Note: I have no idea how this will work, but I assume it involves people in giant chipmunk mascot suits.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:04 PM | Comments (1)

The Biggest Story Of Your Day

I just got this press release.

As you might have guessed, it does include "an earring thermometer, rescued from a 1650 whaling ship." Duh. A collection would be simply incomplete without it.

AccuWeather.com Founder Joel N. Myers Acquires World's Largest Collection of Thermometers [AccuWeather]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:50 AM | Comments (1)

February 14, 2008

Councilman Has President Do His Bidding

Tuesday, the White House announced some sort of plan to help people from losing their houses. Fair enough. But City Councilman Curtis Jones saw the news and sent out a release to let everyone know he cared about the mortgage crisis when it was underground. Nay, he wasn't just in on this on the ground floor, he was the catalyst for President Bush's idea!

Addressing a problem identified by Councilman Curtis Jones Jr. in a January 31st resolution, President Bush on Tuesday announced a program entitled “Project Lifeline” an opportunity for those who are 90 days behind in their mortgage payments and face imminent loss of their homes. [...]

“While I am glad the President and the Democratic presidential candidates are finally realizing this is an issue affecting millions of everyday Americans, I have been concerned about this issue for many years, I look forward to examining the subject in depth during the hearing next week. President Bush and Senators Clinton and Obama all agree this is a national problem not seen since the Great Depression,” said Councilman Curtis Jones.

"While I am glad the President is finally realizing this is an issue, I have been concerned about this for many years, I would like to use this to make myself look better as a politician in a run-on sentence."

Meanwhile, other City Council members are solving the problem of house stealing (122 cases in 2006!) by forming a task force, of course. Hey, Curtis, can you maybe get the Pope to look into this?

Curtis Jones: I beat George W. to the punch [Heard in the Hall]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:44 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

November 27, 2007

In Other News, I'm 12 Years Old

In even more other news, I really hope this guy's last name is Weiner.

Press release after the jump.

Continue reading "In Other News, I'm 12 Years Old"

Posted by D-Mac at 04:04 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

November 07, 2007

NUTTER TO STAGE PRE-INAUGURATION COUP

Posted by D-Mac at 03:55 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

September 10, 2007

Old City Slogan Is Shit-Tastic!

From a press release sent out by the Old City District today (thanks, Jeff):

OLD CITY DISTRICT WELCOMES FALL WITH SIDEWALK SALE

PHILADELPHIA (September 10, 2007) – Bargain hunters, get ready for one of the greatest sales in Old City District, where shoppers can expect to find treasures from a huge variety of merchandise at the Old City Sidewalk Sale on Saturday, September 29, 2007 from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. (rain date October 6, 2007).

Take a stroll in the Hipstoric™ Old City District

Okay, stop. That's enough. I can't take it. Hipstoric™? And -- yes, I looked it up -- it's registered with the United States Patent and Trademark Office. I can't take it anymore. Enough, I'm done for today, possibly forever. Thanks a lot, Old City District!

Full release after the jump.

Continue reading "Old City Slogan Is Shit-Tastic!"

Posted by D-Mac at 04:10 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

June 12, 2007

Breaking: Penguins Don't Want To Go To Camden

By far, this is the best press release of the year:

To all my friends in the media, good morning. Please be advised that the information below should replace any and all previous e-mail calendar listings you might have for Adventure Aquarium - specifically those listing the event formerly known as PENGUIN-PALOOZA. This event is not happening at Adventure Aquarium and all the events that are taking place are listed in the revised calendar listing below

As soon as possible please remove any information from your publications and/or websites that refer to PENGUIN-PALOOZA and replace them with the events I have listed below. Thank you so much for your efforts on this and helping us to make sure that each and every guest to your outlet is the best and most informed readers. Have a great day.

So what happened? Did the penguins escape? Did the penguins not want to go to Camden? (This seems the most likely option.) Did the penguins think "PENGUIN-PALOOZA" didn't really make much sense either? The public demands to know!

Update: The plot thickens! Penguin Island is apparently still an attraction at the Adventure Aquarium!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:06 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

June 08, 2007

Pa. Rest Stop Greatest Thing Of All Time

If you're headed to the U.S. Open next weekend, you'll probably take the Pennsylvania Turnpike out to Oakmont, where this year's tournament is being held. (You could go somewhere else, but you'd have a tough time finding the U.S. Open there.)

If you do take the turnpike out to Oakmont, you'll be happy to know there are rest stops along the way, according to this helpful press release sent to PW from HMSHost.

Come this June, Oakmont, Pennsylvania will be a welcome haven for travelers and golf buffs alike. The debut of the new and improved Oakmont Travel Plaza will please the more than 30,000 drivers expected to pass through the city during the U.S. Open Golf Tournament. Designers at HMSHost, a world leader in travel food and retail, have created new outdoor patio seating and high rooflines made of glass that maximize sunlight. Before travelers rush off to see Tiger hit the links, they’ll want to take a moment to enjoy the scenic Pennsylvania beauty and a tasty bite to eat.

Delicious meals can be found even before arriving at the Oakmont Country Club. Tee up for that long time in the sun while you watch the pros and try the Peppercorn Parmesan Turkey with Bacon sub or a fresh Raspberry Chipotle Chicken salad from Quiznos. To satisfy that sweet tooth, go to Hershey’s Ice Cream for a Butter Pecan ice cream cone or banana split. Other options include Starbucks Coffee for a rejuvenating coffee pick-me-up or Burger King for the ever classic WHOPPER®.

Stopping for refreshments can taste and feel good this summer -HMSHost is kicking off a promotion with the Coca-Cola Company and the United Service Organizations, Inc. (USO) to raise funds for a third year to support U.S. troops and families worldwide. From Memorial Day through Labor Day, HMSHost and Coca-Cola will donate $0.05 from every purchase of a 32 oz. Coke fountain soft drink at select travel plazas nationwide.

The Oakmont Travel Plaza scores a hole in one for being part of a new era of quality food and retail service that HMSHost is providing this summer, and is the first of many travel plazas that Pennsylvania travelers have to look forward to (18 total!). Remember that HMSHost makes the journey as enjoyable as the destination – even the hard to beat U.S. Open!

Buy a Coke®, support the troops! Man, this new era of quality food and retail service sure is great.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

March 05, 2007

Dunkin Donuts Tomorrowland Open On South Broad

Recently, a new Dunkin' Donuts opened at 809 S. Broad Street. On Friday, it had an open house, complete with samples of the new store's wares and a presentation of a giant check to CAPA from the franchisee.

Why was yet another Dunkin' Donuts (re)opening in this city a cause for so much celebration? (Well, "so much celebration" relative to the opening of other donut stores that don't get a press release sent out.) The answer is simple: This is a Dunkin Donuts from the future.

From the press release:

As one of the first "New Concept" stores to open nationwide, some of the remodeled highlights of the Philadelphia store include:

• An updated image featuring a new logo that contemporizes the current Dunkin' Donuts logo, but maintains the core DNA of the brand
• A new warm bakery display and a baker/merchandiser at the front counter offering samples of warm, freshly baked products throughout the day

Ooh! A new logo and... uh... freshly baked products throughout the day! And samples! Not to mention the new menu items the "Dunkin' Brands' culinary team" has created, including warm baked goods (muffins, danish, cookies), three varieties of flatbread sandwiches and mini breakfast pizzas.

Truly, we are living in remarkable times.

Dunkin' Donuts Introduces New Restaurant Design and Menu at Restaurant Re-Opening in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania [PRNewswire via Philebrity]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 07, 2007

Dalembert To Try Sport He Might Be Good At

Those of you who have been avoiding the Philadelphia 76ers because of poor play, lack of stars (Kevin Ollie! Two rookies you don't know! Shavlik Randolph when he returns from injury!) or anything else, you no longer have an excuse.

Before the game, Samuel Dalembert is going to be racing a toy car against a monster truck tomorrow.

Yes, let's go over this again: Dalembert is controlling a RC truck. The other guy -- Marc McDonald, driver of the monster truck "Safe Auto Minimizer" -- will race in his 10,000-pound truck. Dalembert will even get a crash course in how a monster truck works. Wow!

This is all good and fun -- and it will be even more fun if the monster truck runs over Sammy D's toy car -- but it's, of course, part of an ad, as the Monster Jam begins Friday at the Spectrum. But, as the release notes, the Monster Jam features "fire breathing robots, drag racing, and more." After the fire breathing robots, that more could there be?

Full release after the jump.

Continue reading "Dalembert To Try Sport He Might Be Good At"

Posted by D-Mac at 01:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 08, 2006

In Lieu Of Pulitzers, 'Metro' Sets World Record

A press release out of the Metro camp today:

New York - 8 November 2006 - Metro International has today been awarded the prestigious accolade of 'World's Largest Global Newspaper', by Guinness World Records, the global leader in world records. Craig Glenday , Editor-in-Chief of Guinness World Records, presented Pelle Tornberg, Metro International's President and CEO, with the official award at a ceremony in London on November 8th. [...]

Pelle Tornberg, President and CEO of Metro International: " It is indeed an honour to be recognised by Guinness World Records, the pre-eminent guardian of world records."

Full release after the jump.

Continue reading "In Lieu Of Pulitzers, 'Metro' Sets World Record"

Posted by D-Mac at 01:04 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

August 28, 2006

Candidate For Sheriff IS A HUGE FREAKING LIAR

Last Thursday, a press release came into the inbox from Michael Untermeyer, announcing a press conference about his candidacy for sheriff and telling the public the Rocky Statue would be there.

Today, Untermeyer sent out another press release, recapping his commitment to "professionalism, accountability and integrity" and attaching a photo from the campaign announcement:

Whoa. Wait a second. That's just a guy painted bronze. (And they forgot a part of the pants.) And it's a guy who doesn't look much like Rocky at all. Is he even white? And he's wearing red boxing gloves! And... he's not in the Rocky Statue pose! And... wait a second, this candidate for sheriff is a huge freaking liar! This guy looks more like a statue of Clarence Weatherspoon than Rocky. Hell, it looks more like Apollo Creed than Rocky.

Looking back at his original press release, it says the "Rocky Statue" will be there. Putting it in quotes probably means he was technically not lying, but for a candidate whose campaign slogan is "a pledge of professionalism, accountability and integrity" it seems pretty weird to not explain that it wasn't going to be the real Rocky Statue at your campaign event! And if you're going to do that, at least use a podium that's not from Cosi, please?

There aren't many official political opinions here at Philadelphia Will Do. But since Untermeyer has shown that he can't even put out a simple press release without lying -- and got a horrible Rocky Statue stand-in at that -- it is the official opinion of this blog that no one should vote for Michael Untermeyer come 2007. This blog does not care if the only other option is John Mark Karr, the robot from Small Wonder or Terrell Owens. You don't lie about the Rocky statue. You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!

Full release after the jump.

Continue reading "Candidate For Sheriff IS A HUGE FREAKING LIAR"

Posted by D-Mac at 11:40 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

July 21, 2006

Police Nab Fuzzy, Chains, Scary Movie, Tommy Trash, Etc.

Attorney general Tom Corbett and Bucks County DA Diane Gibbons announced arlier today that law enforcement had arrested "as many as 15" (?) suspected members of a crystal meth ring operating in Bucks Co. and Philly.

The operation was called "Breed on a Wire." (Slamming head against desk.) Huzzah for breaking up the meth ring, but the best part of the press release is the nicknames of some of the suspected Breed members, who operated it. For example:

• John "Shameless" Kovacs
• John "Junior" Napoli
• Christopher "Slam" Quattrocchi
• James "Coffin" Fostinis
• Thomas "Tommy Trash"/"Crypt Keeper" Conner
• Kenneth "Chains" Steinmuller
• Thomas "Fuzzy" Heilman
• Frederick "Panhead Fred" Freehoff
• Charles "Ruthless" Kulow
• Bridget "Scary Movie" Dale
• James "Nazi Jimmy" Coyle Jr.
• Robert "Molly" Traverse
• David Freinier

Frinier was most likely ostracized from the fellow accused for not having a ridiculous nickname like "Fuzzy" or "Chains" or "D-Mac."

But that's not all! There's also some very over-the-top details in the press release. For example, police intercepted a phone call from Napoli regarding the cops investigating him where he said "maybe someone will rape their mothers with a hot curling iron." (Yuk, yuk.) Oh, and Steinmuller had a shrine to Hitler in his residence.

We can only imagine what "Nazi Jimmy" had in his apartment.

Full release after the jump.

Continue reading "Police Nab Fuzzy, Chains, Scary Movie, Tommy Trash, Etc."

Posted by D-Mac at 01:47 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)

June 26, 2006

Leftovers: 'Twins' Residual Checks Not Enough For Danny DeVito

• Danny DeVito will be joining the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which begins again on FX Thursday. Hollywood insiders are confident that DeVito can speed up the process of the show's cancellation. [Daily News]

• Here's what people did in the 1940s down the shore: "It was the height of World War II. [Al] Cunard remembers military patrols walking up and down the beaches, having to shutter the cottage's windows in air-raid drills, even keeping a bucket of kerosene handy to wash the tarry oil from feet sullied by fuel oil that washed ashore from ships sunk by German U-boats." Thank you, Lord, for letting my shore trips be a bit more fun. [Camden Courier-Post]

• Skateboarding is probably the only time white suburban kids feel some Michael Smerconish-approved profiling. Be very afraid, shaggy-haired teens with boards. [Daily News]

• Press release of the day: Sherman He[l]msley to attend Altoona Curve game on Wednesday, June 28. [Altoona Curve]

• Lines of the day, courtesy of George Mallet's blog about horses: "I have a tendency to hit the saddle harder than I should when I'm posting," and "Plus, it is always a thrill to ride a retired athlete who competed in the sport of kings." [George's Horse Blog]

• Today's afternoon activity is obsessively checking the Phillies box score. Down 6-0 after six -- it was scoreless through 5 1/2, of course -- the Phillies tied it in the ninth on a solo shot by Chase Utley. First homer rookie sensation Jon Papelbon's allowed all year. Now let's cross our fingers... [Yahoo! Sports]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Non-Escape From Philly Prison

This came across our email box on Saturday:

Inmate Worker Escapes from Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility

Prison Officials discovered this morning that George Wheeler, a 36 year-old inmate, had escaped from Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility. Wheeler was admitted to PPS on March 15, 2006. He was held on $150,000 bail, awaiting trial on charges of rape, unlawful restraint, aggravated indecent assault, statutory sexual assault and indecent exposure.

Fortunately, this came across a few hours later:

"Escaped" Inmate found in Prison Kitchen at Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility

Prison officials, who spent most of the day trying to reconstruct the movements of a 36 year-old inmate, George Wheeler, who had disappeared sometime Friday evening, were surprised to learn that a kitchen officer found the escapee in the CFCF kitchen, hiding behind an oven. The officer heard noises in the ceiling, and then saw movement behind the oven, and ordered the inmate to come out. Inmate George Wheeler came out from behind the oven at 5:40 PM on Saturday, June 24, 2006. He had been hiding in the jail's kitchen for nearly 24 hours. The kitchen at CFCF takes up over an acre of ground, and provides meals for the entire prison complex – over 30,000 meals a day.

Full press releases on the non-escape-and-capture after the jump.

Continue reading "Non-Escape From Philly Prison"

Posted by D-Mac at 01:07 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)

May 22, 2006

'Today', 'Good Day' In Turf War?

Today was the second straight Monday morning without a Mascot Monday at the end of the program, and the viewers, clearly, were outraged. (I got 1500 emails by 11 a.m.)

Fear not, though! A competitor has come in to join the party! You hear that, Good Day Philadelphia? Today is inchin' into your turf:

-----Original Message-----

From: Rinaldi, Deborah [mailto:xxxxx@phillies.com]
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2006 2:53 PM
To: [The Media]
Subject: Phillie Phanatic to Appear on Today with Al Roker on Tuesday

May 22, 2006

For Immediate Release

Phillie Phanatic to Appear on Today with Al Roker on Tuesday

The Phillie Phanatic will be making a special appearance on Today, as he greets weather reporter Al Roker, who will be broadcasting live from the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art on Tuesday, May 23, at 8:30 a.m.

We can only hope Roker and the Phanatic dance, dance, dance the morning away. Hopefully, the Good Day crowd will also be at the Art Museum steps, armed with water balloons.

Archives: Good Day Philadelphia

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May 16, 2006

The Shortest -- And Therefore Best -- Political Press Release Ever

In Bucks County, two Democrats are running for the right to face Mike Fitzpatrick, who seemed like a pretty good, head-on-his-shoulders legislator until he introduced an anti-Myspace-in-schools-and-libraries bill!

And so, one of these two guys -- Andrew Warren and Patrick Murphy -- must take down Fitzpatrick in the 8th district in the general election. I'd like to follow the good boys over at Wonkette and endorse Patrick Murphy, simply because of this press release:

LARRY OTTER ENDORSES ANDY WARREN FOR CONGRESS

LEVITTOWN, PA—May 14, 2006—In response to Larry Otter’s endorsement of Andy Warren, Josh Nanberg, campaign manager for Patrick Murphy issued the following statement:

“OK”

In addition to that, his campaign headquarters are in Levittown and his post-election party is at Georgine's in that same wonderful Bill Levitt-designed town.

Official Wonkette Endorsement: Patrick Murphy [Wonkette]
Yesterday: U.S. Rep Has No Friends On Myspace

Posted by D-Mac at 11:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 04, 2006

For Your Giggling Pleasure

This is an actual press release sent out by Anthony DiMeo III's PR firm Renamity. DiMeo, as you may know, is suing Tucker Max for nasty things written about him on Max's website.

Max held a party to support his legal defense fun for the case two weekends ago. And, last weekend, Renamity sent out this release:

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: renamity.com < info@renamity.com>
Date: Apr 30, 2006 4:24 AM
Subject: RELEASE: Underage Drinking and Arrest at Tucker Max Party
To: info@renamity.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

UNDERAGE DRINKING and ARREST AT TUCKER MAX PARTY
"TUCKER MAX PARTY VENUE (JAGERS BAR) & PATRON CITED FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING"

According to sources, the Liquor Control Board (LCB) had undercover officers at the Tucker Max Party held on Friday, April 21, 2006. O ne 19 year old female was arrested for underage drinking and in addition the the venue (Jagers Bar) was cited and faces possibly thousands in fines, and/or loss of liquor license.

One unnamed LCB officer told a RENAMITY representative that "hearings are currently being scheduled for the separate citations", and he also stated "we plan to continue to our crackdown on underage drinking in the City of Philadelphia."

The Tucker Max party at Jagers Bar was promoted by Philly2Night.com and hosted by Tucker Max himself. See attached police report for more information on this ongoing investigation.

RENAMITY

"...the Public Relations & Special Events POWERHOUSE..."

1730 Pine Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103

I can't be sure -- and I hope I'm not sued for making a false statement! -- but I think this can be scientifically proven to be the stupidest, most unintentionally funny press release ever written. I'm glad I'm a blogger and not a real reporter (at least in theory) so I can just laugh really hard about this and not have to do any BS "balanced" writing about it. Phew.

The DiMeo Lawsuit Thread [Tucker Max Message Board]
Archives: Anthony DiMeo

Posted by D-Mac at 10:43 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

March 15, 2006

Mistreatment for Lil' Kim?

I can't believe this got lost in the endless pile of faxes PW gets until after 4 o'clock yesterday (click to enlarge):

Yes, Lil' Kim friends are holding a press conference as part of a promotion for her new show on BET to discuss the mistreatment of her in the federal prison in Center City Philadelphia. (I don't know why she needs more promotion; her show was the highest rated in BET history.)

I called the contact but didn't get an answer, unfortunately, since I missed the presser yesterday. But we can assume that Lil' Kim is not being respected by Mayor John Street. I don't know what our city's mayor has to do with the federal prison she's in at Seventh and Arch streets, but, hey, when you complain you gotta complain to someone.

Although I missed the press conference, I'll just stay with this: Keep Lil' Kim in your thoughts and prayers. If she's not being respected in jail, she has it hard. And, of course, the real message of said presser: Her show's on Thursdays at 9:30 on BET.

Lil' Kim and Flavor Flav Make TV History [Pro Hip Hop]
Lil' Kim: Countdown to Lockdown [BET.com]
March 9: Lil' Kim Possible

Posted by D-Mac at 09:20 AM | Comments (59) | TrackBack (0)