George Washington Blasts All Candidates

Some dudes decided to have a 1792 Presidential Debate to celebrate last night’s UFO-laden debate.

And, guess what? George Washington hates everybody running for office.

President Washington, as imposing a figure today as then, was more standing than running: “Well, sir, I do not run for office. I believe that the sheer fact that somone actively seeks an office is proof positive that they lack the characteristics to serve properly. Unfortunately, many politicians twistify the very engines that put them there and they are not as concerened with the common weal as they should be.”

Washington here just seems like he’s trying to install de facto term limits. Oh, I see, he’s president already, so all he has to do is say nobody’s running for office. And, unsurprisingly, Washington got 100% of the electoral college in 1792. George Washington was as much of an elected president as Saddam Hussein, apparently.

And less than 0.5 percent of the population voted back then, which means Washington got fewer votes than your average dumb blog gets today. More people will probably wear hats for the Philadelphia Wings (over 10,000), who are not playing this year, than voted for Washington in 1792 (9,478).

All hail King Washington, who is more like Rudy Giuliani than any other candidate.

Mint Hopes New Dollar Coins Will Capture Americans’ Interest For Whole Week This Time

Whoo! Are you excited? Today is the day! Now that we’ve fully established that we Americans don’t want a coin with a woman on it, the U.S. mint has returned to the traditional system of dead white men on coins. And guess what they’re on this time: A new dollar coin!

Yes, today is the release of the new dollar coins, sure to annoy all of us when we put in a $20 to buy some stamps and get like 10 George Washington dollar coins in change. The new dollar coin is the latest attempt by the American government to ween us off the paper $1 bill, since coins can last longer and, therefore, save money. (As they say, you gotta spend money to make money. Okay, I apologize for that one.)

The new coins feature all of our presidents, in succession, with a new one coming out every three months. Who doesn’t want a coin of noted alleged gay president James Buchanan? (Coincidentally, he’s the only president from Pennsylvania. Also coincidentally, he was an awful, awful president. He also started a war with Mormons!) Or how about Millard Fillmore? Or, even better, the special limited edition William Henry Harrison coin (above) that is only valid for 30 days? Or the Grover Cleveland coin, which will come out on two non-consecutive occasions? (Okay, I’m sorry for all of these, too.)

Yes, these coins are sure to capture our hearts for at least a week until we forget about them — except when we get them from vending machines — and simply use paper bills like we’re always going to do. God Bless America!

New $1 coin goes into circulation [AP/Philly.com]

The Good Things From Last Night’s Phillies Game

Surprisingly, there were some, even when the game scheduled to start at 7:05 didn’t begin until 11:30.

The first was Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen, who last night said of Jeff Conine’s 0-for-7 performance the night before: “But after a night like that, I think he was on a suicide watch.” Ho ho!

The second was the Presidents’ Race, where giant costumed presidents (with huge heads) race around the field. And, since the game started at 11:30, reporters — reporters! — ran in some of the costumes, including Delco Times reporter Dennis Deitch, who was George Washington. And that costumed Thomas Jefferson who fell flat on his face? None other than Phillies.com reporter Ken Mandel.

“He’s the first person to fall in the history of the race,” CSN reporter John Finger said last night.

Congratulations, Ken! You did better than the Fightins did last night.

Loss to Nationals leaves Phils 2 behind L.A. [Inquirer]