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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: What the fuck is this bullshit column?

Phil Goldsmith: Goldsmith spends his last column for the Daily News telling us that, in reality, NCAA Division I men’s basketball players aren’t really getting an education on average.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ahh, giant duck tour companies get all the perks while the little guy gets screwed. Welcome to America, home of the free and land of the duck tour!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

I’m so excited about posting working this time that I’m going to do two days of ADNC!

Thursday
Michaerl Smerconish: Ha, ha, remember when Ronald Reagan essentially tried to steal the Republican presidential nomination? Oh, well Hillary Clinton won’t do that.

Stu Bykofsky: Neat, people doing nice things for cancer patients.

John Baer: Much like random Internet commenters, your friends and random dudes in bars, the media loves Barack Obama and is really annoying about it. (Just wait ’til a bunch of octogenarians start crowding the street for Republican candidate WALNUTS! McWars.)

Wednesday
Jill Porter: The word bitch, bitches!

Phil Goldsmith: “Me, Fidel Castro and my congas.”

John Baer: Hey, Hillary didn’t do well in the debate either.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, the justice system should be fair for everyone. (Unless you’re a heroin addict!)

Phil Goldsmith: “IF I WERE grading the School Reform Commission on its efforts in finding a new chief executive officer for the Philadelphia School District, I’d give it an ‘I’ for incomplete.” Uh, well they haven’t hired a new CEO yet, so…

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Ha ha ha Rudy Guiliani won’t even come close to being president. His failure makes me feel better about the world.

Phil Goldsmith: I have no idea what this column is about. The Inquirer’s homicide box? How we shouldn’t let Michael Nutter be corrupt? Stock quotes?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ooh, a lead that transitions from Christmas to WWJD bracelets to Alycia Lane. Neat! Anyway, this is the Alycia Lane insta-analysis column, which would be a perfectly fine column topic if it were right after the Lane story happened or it were before Christmas.

About halfway through the column it deteriorates into Polaneczky going around to shops in Center City and seeing if her reporter’s cred will get her to be able to cut in line. No, really. Oh, it’s a humor column. Huh.

Flavia Colgan: Nope, I (that’s me, your editor) haven’t learned anything about the Pakistan assassination yet and I’m not going to now.

Phil Goldsmith: This column points out that any tax cuts are going to cause a drop in city spending, which means you’ll die if you have a heart attack because the ambulance won’t get there in time. Happy new year!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Phil Goldsmith: Oh, it’s a column that’s written like a movie review in order to make a point about City Council. Oh.

Jill Porter: Finally, an Alycia Lane column! Geeze, three days ’til a columnist weighed in? Anyway, whatever, here’s the only line of note, some advice to Alycia: “It’s not OK to act badly when so much of the news is about public officials acting badly.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s what was going through her head.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Yes, what the next mayor needs is a new fitness czar.

John Baer: Hey, the gun-loving hunters in Pennsylvania wouldn’t bend the rules for Philadelphia. In other news, the sun came up yesterday.

Phil Goldsmith: Oh, a thank you column. Good.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, people actually read what I wrote!

John Baer: Just in case you’re an idiot, it shall be said again: The state legislature does not care about reform!

Phil Goldsmith: Oh my wife got a ticket so here are some recent news stories I will comment on.

Abridged ‘Daliy News’ Columnists

John Baer: Live from 2004, here’s a column about FactCheck.org!

Jill Porter: This woman loves cats so much she moved into a condo that didn’t allow pets.

Phil Goldsmith: Al Taubenberger has no shot at winning.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Jill Porter: Ha ha, now you have to pay to get child support from deadbeats. Oh, wait, not “ha ha.”

John Baer: Some judge randomly retired. Let’s hope it was ‘cuz he was taking a wide stance in a public restroom!

Phil Goldsmith: “I don’t mean is he or isn’t he gay? I could care less.” So, how much do you care, then?