June 10, 2008

It's Still Hot Today, Reports Everyone

Yes, it's a slow news week -- everyone is too hot to do anything newsworthy -- so there is news about the weather everywhere! It's allegedly going to be 99 degrees today (and is currently 78 with "Haze," whatever that is).

Those lucky schoolkids get off at noon again today. NBC 10, meanwhile, exposes the seedy underworld of swimming where no swimming signs are posted.

Despite the "no swimming" signs posted along the creek, they were still going in the water. "Well I don't consider this swimming. I consider it wading," one man told NBC 10.

One girl was asked, "Is it safe out here?" "Yeah, kind of. … It's sort of safe out here, if you watch what you're doing," she said.

The station also gives a helpful tip: "Do not leave older people, children or pets alone in cars." Look, I don't think you should be doing that even in the winter.

Apparently, all of this is going to break sometime tonight; tomorrow will be a more pleasant 87 degrees.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:33 AM | Comments (2)

April 18, 2008

CBS 3: Old People Hate Obama!

Yesterday, CBS 3's dreamy Susan Barnett did a report on how a bunch of old people love Hillary Clinton and John McCain and hate Barack Obama. But not because he's black! Just because.... they don't want to vote for him. Also, apparently everyone thinks Iraq attacked us on 9/11 and that Obama hates America and won't salute the flag.

Oh, and the one black guy hates John McCain because he's a "all the big boys get bigger", apparently. Well, duh.

Posted by D-Mac at 02:58 PM | Comments (6)

April 04, 2008

Obama Poster Scares Oldheads

By now you have most definitely seen the image in the photo at right, which the Daily news Clout column mentioned today. Apparently, it makes Barack Obama look like a totalitarian leader to people over the age of 35 or so, since they are not familiar Shepard Fairey's Obey posters, what this is obviously a total homage to.

And, hey, what do you know! The poster is designed by Shepard Fairey, the "Andre the Giant has a posse" artist. (There are obviously other artsy Obama posters that kinda look like this as well.) Even though this poster is pretty much the least annoying thing about supporters of Barack Obama, people are upset and angry about it. They find it creepy, even though it's about 100 times less creepy that Obama just making shit up in his ads and a million billion trillion times less creepy than anything John McCain or Hillary Clinton will ever do.

Of course, most people don't make rational decisions, so I will not be surprised if this poster is directly responsible for President John McCain.

Clout: Obama mania: Is this 2008 ... or 1984? [Daily News]
Semi-related: Barack Obama as re-imagined by Time's Joe Klein [Attytood]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:12 PM | Comments (16)

November 27, 2007

Knocking At Death's Door (In Center City, At Least)

Today's Inquirer has a story about empty nester couples moving back to Center City, because they're sick of living in suburbia and have enough money to afford to live in Center City, unlike you.

And, as such, the Inquirer profiles a couple who has moved from Elkins Park to an unnamed ritzy Center City condo. Oh, and the paper predicts the date of their deaths.

But three of their four children are in Center City. So is the theater. Ballet. Opera. Restaurants. So in the spring of 2005, they moved to Center City. One of the glam condos that are shooting up in Philadelphia like gold-leafed sunflowers. Just the right perch for a couple with another good 10 or 15 years left to get their urban groove on.

Well, at least the paper gave them a range. "You're going to die by the time you're 90, but you will live until at least 85!"

Second life as urban hipsters [Inquirer]

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October 08, 2007

Walkers Of The World, Unite

Daniel Rubin writes in the Inquirer about how they're taking mailboxes from poor areas. Mailboxes where people send fewer than 25 letters a day total get axed.

How to stop this? Oh, you better believe it's a coalition of old people:

If the boxes keep going the way of the Pony Express, a protest might be necessary. "You think they want Ma and Pa Kettle picketing in front of their office in walkers and crutches?"

Ma and Pa Kettle, famous community activists.

Update: Wait, crutches?? How is the removal of mailboxes break femurs?

Daniel Rubin | Postal boxes getting rarer [Inquirer]

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October 02, 2007

Evil Poodle Tortures Soon-To-Die Seniors

A few months ago, a story about a cat who seemed to know when nursing home patients were going to die made the rounds on TV and the news. The general consensus was that the cat helped comfort patients in their final hours and alerted the nursing home that family members should be summoned, etc.

Well, it took a while for them to localize this story, but NBC 10 has joined the party! Medical reporter Cherie Bank has found a local poodle who won't enter the rooms of hospital nursing home patients who are about to die. Ha ha! What a nice thing to do!

"The first few times, I really didn't put it together," said Marge Stiller, the poodle's owner and trainer. Stiller said when Libby won't pass the threshold, it's because "she has the ability to know -- I don't want to say predict -- know when a person is going to be passing away within 24 hours."

And Marge said Libby's track record is pretty "dog-gone" good, Bank reported. "It's 100 percent. It's been 100 percent, yeah," Stiller said.

Stiller has been taking Libby to nursing homes, rehab hospitals and retirement communities for about 12 years.

So this dog has been torturing nursing home patients for 12 years. Oh, but apparently they don't tell the patients whose room the dog won't enter -- until now, of course. And since she didn't tell anyone until now, perhaps the dog has never predicted anyone's death at all!

Local Pooch Knows When You're About To Die [NBC 10]
Feline intuition [Boston Globe]

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September 24, 2007

Ha, Old People Don't Have Time To Cross Street

A new study from AAA says that traffic signals change too quickly for old people to cross the street. As a young person, I only have one response: Ha ha ha you may have Social Security and pensions and money and no work to do and have led a good life but at least I can cross the street in a timely manner! Score one for young people!

According to The Intelligencer, the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that old people walk 0.5 to 0.8 feet per second slower than young people, making them unable to cross the street without a car running over them. (Unfunny fact: Actually, 170 pedestrians died in the state last year; a third were over 60.)

But, for the most part, this just inconveniences old people while we all run across the street 20 times before they get to the center median.

Study: Traffic signals change too quickly for some seniors [Doylestown Intelligencer]

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July 30, 2007

Old Phillies Fans Somehow Still Alive

Today's Courier TImes has a profile of two local Phillies fans with a combined 182 years of experience between them; Naomi Beaty, 104, and Lillian Halberstein, 78, share a combined Phillies passion at their nursing home in Langhorne.

One might wonder: How could someone possibly be alive after being a Phillies fan for most of the Phillies' history? Hell, Beaty could have been a fan for about 8,000 of the franchise's losses; how is she even alive?

Still, Beaty has only been a Phillies fan for the last two or three years. “You just see a game [on TV] and have nothing else to do with the time and you get attached,” she said.

Ahh, that makes sense. Turning to the Phillies only out of boredom should get you to 104 with very few heart attacks or manic episodes. I'm still looking for an explanation of how Harry Kalas' head hasn't exploded, though.

Ageless Phanatics [Bucks County Courier Times]

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March 20, 2006

Quickies: You kids can stay on my lawn all you want

• In a piece that I have quickly dubbed The Greatest Article Of All Time Until I Get Old, an economist argues that younger workers are paid too little -- while older workers are paid too much. Viva revolución! [Slate]

• Book retailer Powells.com has teamed up with hip literary/commentary/etc. site The Morning News to judge a bracket of The Best Books of the Year. Somehow, Billy Packer will argue that not enough major conference books were selected for the bracket. [The Morning News]

• A girl angry at her dad's punishment lit a fire that ended up killing her father, a police officer, when he tried to save her. She's being charged as an adult with murder, arson, &c. [DN]

• Sigh. The once venerable I. Goldberg chain is down to one last store. I'm pretty sure it all went downhill when they decided to put one in Franklin Mills. [Inky]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)