May 12, 2008

Family Guy-Quoting Racists!

Hey, look, there are racist posters everywhere! I guess. The above shot is from Cottman and Frankford; it was posted at Domelights (the thread later turns into posters arguing that few black officers go to benefits for slain white officers). It's also, uhm, a freaking joke from Family Guy.

And, hey: A poster at Young Philly Politics found a different one (uh, I guess) after regaling us with a story of buying a new belt at the Gap outlet and realizing some people might not like Barack Obama because he's black.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (3)

May 09, 2008

V.P. Visits Check-Printing Place

Yes, we now have video evidence of Dick Cheney actually visiting a place that prints economic stimulus checks in order to show how great the economic stimulus checks are. Fox 29's Bruce Gordon then does some fancy math to show that the price of everything has gone up since the start of the year, and so our stimulus checks aren't really all that hot overall.

Redlasso video after the jump. And yes, this includes a semi-gratuitous Kerri-Lee Halkett intro. After she wrote this, every video from now on will feature KLH.

Continue reading "V.P. Visits Check-Printing Place"

Posted by D-Mac at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2008

Get It? Get It?

Don Russell, aka Joe Sixpack, notes an oh-so-hilarious shirt from Casper's Place on Cottman Avenue.

While heading down Pattison Avenue toward the ballpark for Jackie Robinson night at the Phillies, I found myself behind some guy in a green t-shirt advertising Casper’s Place on Cottman Avenue. The cartoon ghost on the shirt is shown saying, “No spooks allowed.”

Oh, that good ol' fashioned American racism. Joe Vento's place looks like Multicultural Mexican Food compared to this place.

Casper the unfriendly racist ghost [Beer Radar]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:23 PM | Comments (4)

April 11, 2008

About A Dog

This week's Northeast Times letters page is a treasure trove of excellent letters, including this one, written by Kelley McGrath of Brookhaven. Naturally, the testy letter comes from an argument concerning a dog:

This letter is for the uncouth woman who confronted me at the park on Saturday, March 15, at approximately 9 a.m.

Your ostentatious display was misguided and totally uncalled for. Had you known anything about dogs, you would know that there is nothing inhumane about so-called "choke collars" when used properly. And at no time have I ever been in jeopardy of "breaking [my] dog’s trachea," as you so absurdly implied.

Being the lady that I am, I opted to dismiss your imprudent attack, rather than engage you in a heated exchange in front of your child.

But while I have put your ugly and false reproach behind me, there is one thing I still feel duty-bound to call your attention to: try to keep your composure when carrying conversations with others. You emit projectile saliva from your braces when you get excited.

Is that last line an insult or a line from a Monty Python movie?

Letters 4.10 [Northeast Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:49 AM | Comments (2)

March 18, 2008

I-95 To Be Closed For Several Days

Whoops! There is apparently a cracked support column on I-95, and it's now closed between the Girard and Aramingo exits in both directions. It could be closed for days.

How big of a deal is this? For some reason Michael Nutter was even on the scene and gave a quote to KYW 1060: "There will be some inconvenience that's tremendously unfortunate, but public safety is our primary responsibility." Wait, was closing I-95 his decision?

Anyway, all your friends from Northeast Philly are... well, okay, the people you know in Northeast Philly are going to be stuck in traffic for approximately the next 45 years. I can only assume Richmond Street will collapse under the weight of all the traffic on it in sometime soon as well.

Cracked Support Column Closes 95 [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:31 AM | Comments (3)

March 06, 2008

Chickens Find Safe Home, Y'All

The Daily News returns today to the story of The Great Northeast High Chicken Prank. As part of, um, the most awesomest prank ever the night of Feb. 10, a group of people let loose 85 chickens in Northeast High School. They were discovered in the morning to much hilarity.

Now, the 85 Rhode Island red hens let loose in Northeast are headed to Fox Chase Farm in Northeast Philly. There are already four hens at the farm, so what's 85 more? Although there was video surveillance of the crime scene, cops still don't know who did it. They also have much more important things to worry about, like policing the flower show.

Hens found at Northeast High to rule roost at Fox Chase Farm [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:45 AM | Comments (1)

February 13, 2008

Chicken Prank Surveillance Video!

We now have a surveillance video from The Great Northeast High Chicken Prank, and... boy... is it sure... there. Okay, so the surveillance vid doesn't show much beyond a couple blurry figures dressed in black spreading chicken feed around.

Meanwhile, Action News calls the prank "cruel and dirty." And the Daily News has an article with so many puns even I'm cringing.

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February 12, 2008

Your Chicken Prank Roundup

Ahh, yes, the chickens. Yesterday, somebody let 85 chickens loose in Northeast High School, leading to much hilarity and a bunch of kids writing "167" in the PWD comments. (Is this the 167th class or something?)

Everybody did a nice job reporting this important news story. NBC 10 talks with the school and confirms this was most likely a senior prank. The station also talks to students, who do Tweety Bird impressions for the camera:

"I actually did see a chicken, I did, in the basement. It was running and the security guard was chasing it," senior Satoria Bell said.

The floors were covered with chicken feed and chicken waste. Officials called in a farmer to help round up and remove the birds. Some witnesses said the chickens were laying eggs all over the building but most students said they didn't see anything.

"I didn't see any chickens," one student said.

Continue reading "Your Chicken Prank Roundup"

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February 11, 2008

Chickens Loose At Northeast High!

Pranksters, you are going to have to do a lot to top this one. The prank of the year: 50 live chickens were let out in the halls of Northeast High School.

Some time this morning, someone broke into the school and released 50 live chickens and chicken feed into the school. Maintenance men discovered the chickens just before light this morning. A school spokesman said: "At this point, we don't know when someone broke into the school but someone did break into at the start of school this morning and dropped off fifty or more chickens into Northeast High School and spread chicken feed all over the school."

Someone is going to have to put penguins in Audenreid in order to top this, honestly. I think we have a unbeatable front-runner right now.

50 Live Chickens Set Free Inside NE High School [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:48 AM | Comments (392)

December 21, 2007

Friday Morning Image Mixup Fun

And then he used the money to make himself look like Alycia Lane, like that creepy MTV show? Weird.

Yes, if you're wondering, I used to go to this man's masses.

D.A.: Priest from Ryan stole 900G [Daily News]

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December 12, 2007

Kid At Airport Not Terrorist At All

Remember the kid who pushed a "do not press" button and spread foam all over the Northeast Airport? Turns out he was framed:

Well, a 10-year-old is now off the hook. He was initially blamed for making this mess by mashing an emergency button. But, turns out a portable heat source used for cooking, somehow set off the fire extinguishers.

So, the kid was basically the convenient scapegoat. I hear he's the one who got us into the Iraq War, too.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:54 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

December 10, 2007

Late Night Drive-Thru

Let's just stay in the Northeast for now with another edition of Things That Happened Near My Parents' House, a feature I just made up. Right down the street from the airport (and just a little further from where I grew up), a driver made a wrong turn at Red Lion and the Boulevard and smashed right into a Wendy's.

NBC 10 says the driver "somehow smashed his is car right through an outer wall of the fast-food restaurant." Wendy's was closed, and nobody was hurt. See, this is what I had to deal with growing up: Constant worry that some idiot was going to ram into me with their car, even when I'm indoors. I could be in the middle of Best Buy (also in that shopping center) and I'm still worried somebody's going to drive right into me.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

December 06, 2007

IRS Raids Gary Barbera Dealership

Yesterday, federal investigators showed up at Gary Barbera's Jeepland in Northeast Philadelphia and shut down the dealership.

Police sources told NBC 10 the IRS went to Gary Barbera Chryslerland in Northeast Philly, and my head is starting to spin with how stupidly these car dealerships are named. IRS agents also went to his house, Gary Barbera Bedroomland, in Gladwyne.

Times used to be much simpler for Barbera, when he was simply being sued by Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent. But now the feds (from beeeautiful Washington) are on his tail. Hopefully this can be settled with a giant ad on the back of the sports section, possibly featuring an Eagles long snapper or something.

Feds show up at local car dealership [Fox 29]
IRS Investigating Well-Known Car Dealer [NBC 10]

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November 26, 2007

Northeast Citizens Give Hilarious Crime Solutions

Okay, more Northeast Times fun. My dad actually had this paragraph cut out of the paper and circled in red ink from last week's issue when I was home on Thursday. It's a detail of a town hall meeting State Rep. (and Speaker of the House) Denny O'Brien recently held.

The forum gave O’Brien a chance to hear from constituents. There were all kinds of suggestions, from re-opening Holmesburg Prison to building a wall along the Mexican border to amputating the index finger of anyone who fires a gun illegally.

O’Brien, though, favors a systemic approach to crime. His four-pronged approach includes not only the criminal justice system, but a focus on the areas of education, behavioral health and community outreach.

Sometimes, just writing it straight produces the most hilarity. And, yes, if you're wondering, this is another Onion article come to life, though I'm not totally sure that fake article isn't actually real.

Time to move forward in crimefighting [Northeast Times]
Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public [The Onion]

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November 08, 2007

Target Revitalizing Roosevelt Mall

Today, the Daily News declares the Roosevelt Mall hip.

COULD THE AREA around the Roosevelt Mall, at the heart of Northeast Philadelphia, be the next comeback kid of revitalization? The tea leaves look auspicious. After months of rumors, it's now official: a new Target department store is going up at Bustleton and Bleigh, where the old Orleans movie theater is coming down.

The Northeast Target will be about the same size as the new one on City Avenue, with a food court and, yes, a Starbucks. [...] "That's my favorite store, Tar-zhay," Caruso laughs. "Their paper towels are great. We'll all be there at lunchtime."

"Everybody's talking about the Target," says State Rep. John Perzel. "They can't wait for it to open."

The grand opening of the new Northeast Target is slated for next fall. Meanwhile, the Daily News has been hanging out on and around Cottman Avenue in the vicinity of the Roosevelt Mall, taking the pulse of the Northeast's heartland business corridor during the calm before its renewal.

My God.

Posted by D-Mac at 02:44 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

October 31, 2007

Taubenberger: Seems Like A Nice Guy

Hey, Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger has a television commercial and, as expected, it's like the rest of his campaign: Sort of appropriate for a fifth grade student council election. In the ad, Philadelphians tell why they're voting for Al Taubenberger for mayor. Or, that's what a 1930s radio announcer says.

Continue reading "Taubenberger: Seems Like A Nice Guy"

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September 19, 2007

Pedestrians Get In Way Of People Going 70

A letter in this week's Northeast Times -- yes, we're back to this shtick again -- talks about the traffic on Roosevelt Boulevard. And guess what the problem is? Pedestrians!

While traveling north on Roosevelt Boulevard from Hunting Park, I wondered if the so-called "Safety Corridor" included pedestrians unlawfully crossing against lights and playing "chicken," etc.

Is this "Targeted Enforcement Area" aimed only at drivers who mistakenly run yellow/red traffic lights? Surely, PennDOT can install cameras that encompass the whole terrain (medians included), so that fines can be levied toward the folks who choose to roam the Boulevard at night, ignoring traffic laws.

Ahh, yes, all those pedestrians playing chicken. That was a fine game we played as kids!

Let's get the pedestrians, too [Northeast TImes]

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June 29, 2007

Scotch And Tequila At Civic Associaton Meeting

There's trouble a-brewin' in Northwood. The Near Northeast Philly neighborhood had a rather contentious Civic Association meeting last week.

Things got bad when the board attempted to read the minutes. There's a split in the Northwood Civic Association board, with all but one member against president Joe Menkevich. The rest of the board wants to change the bylaws to impeach him. After Menkevich began to get angry, another board member responded with this:

"The board of directors voted for you to sit down."

Ha ha, ICE BURN! Menkevich wasn't taking this sitting down, though. He attempted to not only disrupt the meeting, but turn this civic association meeting into an all-night party as well.

The embattled president loudly responded, "This meeting’s illegal." Menkevich threw the paper ballots on the variance question on the floor. He later picked them up and handed them to people at their tables. [...]

Menkevich’s allies were taken aback at the board majority’s actions. "This is a dictatorship," [a supporter] said before walking out of the meeting. Menkevich, who will likely resign before an impeachment attempt, invited his supporters back to his Castor Avenue home for tequila, beer and scotch.

Whoo! Free beer! I gotta start attending more civic association meetings.

President, board clash in Northwood [Northeast Times]

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April 18, 2007

Surprise! Gun-Toting Football Dad Was Right!

Back in October of last year -- Oh! It seems so long ago! -- a father was arrested for pulling a gun on the coach of his son's football team. The father, Wayne Derkotch, argued with the coach over his son's playing time, got into a fight with the man and pulled a gun and waited for police. (Somehow, the ref of the 5- and 6-year-old kids' game -- who made sure the kids were safe and not shot -- was arrested, too, but the charges against him were dropped.)

Where was I? Oh, right. So yesteday, Derkotch was acquitted of charges of assault, recklessly endangering another person and possession of an instrument of crime. Turns out, the judge ruled, he was pulling the gun in self-defense after the coach began punching him in the head.

Prosecution witnesses said Derkotch was the aggressor, the defense said coach Jermaine Wilson started it and Derkotch lost a tooth. Hey, it's just like first grade! Only with a gun!

Assistant District Attorney Randy Hsia was disappointed with the verdict. But he did say this: "An individual cannot pull a gun in response to a fistfight." Damn, there go my weekend plans.

Parent cleared in peewee-game fight [Inquirer]
Oct. 23, 2006: Outlaws, Raiders Somehow Involved In Fracas

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February 20, 2007

Neasties To Have Constant Supply Of Shoes, Lids

Rest easy, those who want $9 jeans from Steve & Barry's! Franklin Mills isn't going anywhere anytime soon. There were rumors last year -- thanks, Phillyblog -- that the mall would be closing and converted into housing. But apparently the shopping mecca is here to stay.

Simon Property Group -- which owns Oxford Valley Mall, King of Prussia, etc. -- and Farallon Capital Management have agreed to purchase the Mills Corporation. (A Canadian company which previously made a bid for the financially-troubled company has a chance to match their higher offer.)

All of this means: Yes! You will be able to get Robert Morris University sweatshirts for just $10 at Steve and Barry's. You will be able to play Glow Golf. (Although I think that place is closed now.) You will be able to shop at crappy kiosks! It's a great time to be alive.

Simon group buys Mills shopping malls [Inquirer/Bloomberg]
July 20, 2006: The End of Franklin Mills?

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January 10, 2007

Reason #32 To Love Philadelphia: The Northeast

And why do we love the Northeast today? Because hundreds of people lined up behind Forman Mills to meet Jeff Garcia.

And, according to KYW 1060's Hadas Kuznits, the people there thought it was the greatest event in the history of mankind (even the ones who didn't get to meet Jeff!).

Jeff Garcia is a huge draw to Eagles fans:

"There's a huge line and everything! I've never seen so many people!"

But the line was so long, it had to be cut off, leaving some fans disappointed:

"Because he left!"

(Kuznits:) "And you didn't get an autograph!"

"No."

(Kuznits:) "You still like him even though you didn't get to see him?"

"Yeah."

You had to get there early if you wanted to see Jeff Garcia:

(Kuznits:) "How long did you wait in line to see him?"

"Four and a half hours."

(Kuznits:) "Was it worth it?"

"Yeah."

So why do they like him?

"You know, he's a true Philly kind of guy."

(Kuznits:) "Tell us why you really like him."

"Now, you know my husband's out there waiting!"

"He's a very handsome fellow, I must say."

I wonder what kind of life someone has lived when the most people he or she has ever seen in one place is at a Jeff Garcia autograph signing.

Fans Line Up For Garcia Autograph Session [KYW 1060]

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December 29, 2006

Ed Rendell Eats At Taco Bell In Exciting Story

Yesterday, in a show of solidarity with the fast food chain, Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell ate at the Taco Bell at Franklin Mills. He brought along with him the president of Taco Bell -- of course -- and a bevy of television cameras from Channel 3.

He said he was driving by a Taco Bell and found it rather empty, so he decided to hold this dog and pony show at Franklin Mills with Greg Creed, Taco Bell's prez who was on those ads after the E. coli scare.

There are so many questions stemming from this report, many of them unanswered. Why is this news? Why is the governor doing this? How depressed would you be as a reporter if this were the story you were covering one day? Is Taco Bell's president British or Australian or something? How funny is the footage of Rendell eating his taco salad? (This one has an answer: Very.)

You'll no doubt have tons of your own questions after watching the report.

Rendell Eats Taco Bell To Send A Message [CBS 3]

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December 20, 2006

Keystone Cops: Billions And Billions Served

Keystone Cops is a look at police, crime and public safety news. It's rather, uh, easy to do -- yesterday, I didn't even write any jokes! -- so it looks like it's going to happen every day. Smaller logo coming soon, though I love this photo.

• Cops in Bordentown arrested a man selling crack out of the drive-thru at McDonald's on Route 130. Customers interviewed said it was the Happiest Meal they've ever head. [Camden Courier-Post]

• A former school board president in Reading has been arrested for robbing a bank, apparently unaware this is not the 1890s. A current school board member: "He had a lot of good works in the city. That's got to count for something." [AP/NBC 10]

• To be honest, I just want to know the backstory of this incident in Richland: "Don Woodward, 68, of Kintnersville, was charged with harassing an employee at the Dollar Tree on North West End Boulevard on Monday, police said. Barbara Woodward, 63, of Kintnersville, faces disorderly conduct charges stemming from the same incident, police said." [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• And, in Northeast Philly, a car drove into a building, proving that no place is safe from traffic accidents up there. [6 ABC]

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December 18, 2006

Devout Nun Honored By Giant Hot Dog Man

The Inquirer's Susan Snyder has a nice little piece today about Holy Family University's president, Sisten Francesca Onley, who has been president of the 'Fam for 25 years.

That's a long time, even for a religious institution, though as the article notes, "Widener had the same president for 42 years, from 1888 to 1930 (when it was known as Pennsylvania Military College)." During her term (reign?) as president, she's presided over new construction, the upgrade from a college to a university and the founding of an actual endowment.

Most importantly, she chairs the International Association of University Presidents/United Nations Commission on Disarmament Education, Conflict Resolution and Peace. Imagine! A religious leader who's interested in peace!

Needless to say, Sister is from Mayfair.

Anyway, the story in the Inky begins like this:

Many college presidents might best be suited to dining at an upscale Center City restaurant like the Palm. And Sister Francesca Onley could eat there, too, but ask her what she really prefers.

"Get me a bologna sandwich," says the 73-year-old nun who heads Holy Family University in Northeast Philadelphia.

Butterscotch Krimpets and hot dogs are top fare, too.

Aw, that's not too bad. Cute beginning, showing her down to earth nature, contrasting Holy Family with other schools, wait, what's that in the next paragraph?

So it was only fitting that students last month marched into Onley's office dressed as some of those favorite foods to launch a celebration of her 25th anniversary as president of the university.

Well, hey, I don't know if even the Pope's ever received that kind of a welcoming.

The guiding light at Holy Family [Inquirer]

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November 27, 2006

Oxford Circle: The New Nolibs?

Police officers in Oxford Circle Friday investigated a shooting and ended up with $6 million in cocaine.

Yes, that's right: After being shot at a house on Levick Street, Darnell Romel Bolger wandered the area until collapsing on a median. That's where police officers, including one from narcotics, found him. After hearing his yarn, cops -- not the narcotics officer, naturally -- went to the Levick Street house and entered. They were looking to see if there were any more gunshot victims. Right. They didn't find any gunshot victims, but they did find 61 kilos of cocaine (worth a cool $6.1 mil) and various other drugs.

Bolger is now under arrest and drugs have been eradicated from our city's streets. Well, not that last part, but the drug bust was significant:

"This was a stash location. For the most part if drugs were being sold out of this location, it was to an elite clientèle, and in large quantities of drugs."

Yeah. That big Oxford Circle elite. Always doing coke and being photographed for lifestyle magazines and generally being all upscale. That's what I think of when I hear Oxford Circle.

Cops find stash of $$, drugs [Daily News]
Police Make Huge Drug Haul in NE Phila. [KYW 1060]

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