September 02, 2008

Even Fatter Cat Adds To NJ Feline Drama

Oh, man, there is so much drama regarding abnormally large felines that it's hard to keep it all straight. As you may have heard last week, it turns out Prince (neé Princess) Chunk is not really a 44-pound cat after all! He's actually only 22 pounds, which kind of explains why he's still a pretty cute kitty despite being overweight.

But there is more. I got a text while on vacation from my buddy Joe apologizing for interrupting my time down the shore but telling me there was super, incredible, amazing breaking news: An even larger cat had been dropped off at the same New Jersey animal shelter. Of course, one can only trust that shelter's scale so much, so who knows if this cat (dubbed Shamu) is actually 35 pounds or just another Garfield impersonator.

The New York Daily News even covered the story:

Shelter officials are hoping Shamu is the last fat cat they see for a while. "I just hope it's not a trend that's starting because we don't have cages big enough to accommodate these fat cats," Harr said.

So this shelter only wants to take rail-thin cats, like the kind on the catwalks (sorry) and magazine covers? How lame. I see that the media's affect on our view of the proper body size transcends species.

Porky pussycat may have to give up crown [Inquirer]
Weight is on! 'Shamu' gives 'Prince Chunk' a run for his money [NY Daily News]
[Thumbnail via New York Daily News (and ex-PW photog Jeff Fusco?)]
Aug. 29: Prince Chunk is Prince of Lies

Posted by D-Mac at 09:35 AM | Comments (1)

August 21, 2008

Ninjas Target Drug Users, Are Arrested

Police in New Jersey arrested two ninjas yesterday; the men (arrested in Clifton) said they were on a mission to tell drug dealers and users to stop, lest they suffer harm.

Guys, I know you've heard my column is coming back off hiatus soon, but this really isn't the best way to handle it.

Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men wore black SWAT-type vests and carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.

After being arrested early Wednesday in a car on Route 46, the men said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and drug users urging them to stop their "impure" activities.

The letters said those who persisted would be stopped with "justified yet, merciful force.

I have to imagine these two are part of the government's new plan to fight the drug war with ninjas. Pretty soon the DEA will move on to other internet favorites and fight it with pirates and LOLcats.

Also, the headline on the story is awesome: N.J. men with Asian weapons claimed to target drugs.

Photo by R'eyes, Creative Commons license

Posted by D-Mac at 02:28 PM | Comments (1)

New Jersey Under Attack From Wild Boars

Ha, ha, people in Gloucester County are suffering from a wild boar infestation.

As many as 100 feral swine are ripping up golf courses, rooting through flower farms and generally making a mess of things in the swamps, forests and fields of Gloucester County. Thought to be descendants of domestic hogs freed from pens at least a decade ago, the belligerent boars have mentally and physically regressed and are no longer the familiar pink porkers slopping it up on lazy little farms. [...] "They eat anything, endangering rare plants and degrading the habitat. They compete with native wildlife, eating the eggs of ground nesting birds like quail and turkeys," said Lawrence Herrighty of the state Division of Fish and Wildlife.

Feral pigs have been declared one of the most destructive invasive species on the planet, and the federal government estimates about 6 million of the animals are digging up crops and making mud wallows of sensitive vernal pools, where rare reptiles and amphibians reproduce. They also are reservoirs for a host of diseases that impact domestic livestock, wildlife and even humans.

"They are a threat to wildlife, agriculture and landowners," Herrighty said. "They have to be eradicated."

Fortunately, the federal government has stepped in to help.

Under a contract finalized in April with environmental officials and the state Department of Agriculture, federal biologists began trapping, testing and killing the hogs in June but so far have bagged only three.

Hmm. Might be best to stay out of Gloucester for a while.

Gloucester bristles as feral porkers run amok [The Star-Ledger]
Photo by mape_s, Creative Commons license

Posted by D-Mac at 12:11 PM | Comments (6)

August 01, 2008

Breaking: Fake Beach Tag Scandal

Turmoil in Surf City! No, the beach didn't blow up, but the cops are now looking into the case of the counterfeit beach tags.

Making fake beach tags seems like an incredible waste of time, but it did lead to these two paragraphs in the Asbury Park Press so it was all worthwhile:

While on patrol yesterday, an officer uncovered the counterfeit seasonal beach badges, authorities said. The municipality has been in contact with Ocean County Prosecutor's Office and the borough attorney about the situation. After the investigation is completed the department will decide if charges will be filed or not.

Police Chief William Collins said that he has reason to believe that the counterfeiting of badges could be even more serious than already revealed.

More serious than four counterfeit beach tags? Oh, man, I bet this conspiracy goes right to the president.

Surf City police investigating counterfeit beach badges [APP]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2008

Man Arrested For Stealing Horse Statue

A horse statue at the former Garden State Park racetrack in New Jersey went missing last week. Police have now arrested one man and are looking for three others; nobody is sure how, exactly, four dudes were able to steal a one-ton horse.

The Courier-Post reports "[p]art of the horse was recovered in Pennsauken," but most of the bronze statue was sold for scrap in Camden. (And turned into glue, etc., etc.) The man arrested had four outstanding warrants in four different New Jersey communities. Highly impressive, but nowhere near a record. The theft of the statue, though, totally deserves a round of applause just for the difficulty factor.

Man held in horse statue theft [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)

Bees Swarm New Jersey Turnpike

Over the weekend, the New Jersey Turnpike was covered in beeeeeeees. Yes, a box of bees fell off a truck on the Turnpike in Cherry Hill on Saturday, releasing thousands of bees onto the roadway.

Although the bees hovered around the northbound lanes for a few hours on Saturday, they didn't cause any traffic accidents or even any slowdown. (A good idea: When accidents cause gaper delays, just release thousands of bees around the area, forcing cars to speed away from the thousands of honeybees flying around.)

"Those poor bees," said Landi Simone, vice president of the New Jersey Beekeepers Association. "It would be very distressing...it's conceivable that somebody could get stung, because you've got some really confused honeybees there."

The president could not comment because he had surely been moved to a secure undisclosed location in order to protect him from the thousands upon thousands of bees, too eager to strike back at the man keeping them for so long.

The liberal bee-loving Inquirer decided to take the story a bit differently: "Thousands of bees die when hive falls onto turnpike." (The story was, naturally, written by Faye Flam.) The bees are being fostered by a local beekeeper; the owner has yet to come forward to get all of his buzzing friends.

Box falls off truck, releasing thousands of bees near Turnpike [The Star-Ledger]
Photo by aussiegall, Creative Commons license

Posted by D-Mac at 10:20 AM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2008

Temporary Tattoo Leads To Lawsuit

Hey, here's the absolutely strange story of the (yester)day: A New Jersey woman is suing a surgeon for putting a temporary tattoo on a patient. Wait, what?

In a lawsuit filed yesterday, a Camden County woman accused her orthopedic surgeon of "rubbing a temporary tattoo of a red rose" on her belly while she was under anesthesia.

The patient discovered the tattoo below the panty line the next morning, when her husband was helping her get dressed to go home after the operation for a herniated disc, her attorney, Gregg A. Shivers, said in a phone interview yesterday.

Even if no harm is meant, putting a mark on a patient for fun is probably not something a doctor should be doing. Fortunately, lawsuits always resolve fairly and everything will probably work out. Er, wait.

Surgeon sued for giving anesthetized patient temporary tattoo [Inquirer]
Photo of Rose Tattoo Cafe. Get it? Eh? Eh?

Posted by D-Mac at 11:26 AM | Comments (1)

June 30, 2008

Giant Chain Restaurant Devours Cherry Hill

Do you like chain restaurants? Well, then do I have a story for you: Houlihan's has relocated from its mall location and now has a 10,000-square foot restaurant in Cherry Hill somewhere along Route 70. (I assume it hasn't demolished the turnpike like in my example map, but who knows?)

The Camden Courier-Post's article about the new Houlihan's clocks in at a robust 935 words -- and it does note the 460-seat location (the largest Houlihan's in the country!) serves Flying Fish. And guess what else there is? Downright wacky memorabilia!

The decor is heavy on dark woods and comfy upholstered booths. Accessories, many brought over from the mall location, include such nostalgia staples as vintage signs, a Taittinger poster featuring a luminous Grace Kelly and a wall devoted to Marilyn Monroe memorabilia.

"All our stores have a wall like that, even though Houlihan's was after Marilyn Monroe's time," Stennie said. [...] With the acquisition of the Cherry Hill operation, ACE now owns all the Houlihan's on Long Island and in New Jersey, fulfilling what franchise president Arnie Runestad said was a five-year quest.

I cannot wait 'til the movie version of this five-year quest makes it to the big screen.

Houlihan's serves up new site [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:32 AM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2008

A Not So Different Kind Of Republican

The different kind of Republican you see above is Dale Gladding. He's running for Congress in New Jersey, which means he has no shot. The man who currently holds the seat he wants is Rob Andrews, recent victim of Frank Lautenberg in the Democratic Senate primary. Andrews held a Congressional hearing on transgender rights in the workplace, and Gladding wasn't happy about it.

"While the families of the 1st District are struggling to make ends meet, with gas prices reaching $4 a gallon," GOP candidate Dale Glading said, "Rob Andrews has demonstrated once and for all how out of touch he is with the people he has failed to represent."

"We're not making a statement one way or another about transgender rights," Tim Saler, Glading's campaign manager, said. "We're just saying that if you had a list of things that need addressing right now, transgender rights would not be at the top."

Are we to assume Rob Andrews is incapable of addressing both gas prices (which he really can't do anything about) and transgender rights (which he might be able to, by chairing a subcommittee)?

Glading's campaign manager's statement is even more annoying. If you're going to say, "I don't care about transgender rights," (or anything similar about any issue) you have to take the criticism that could come with that statement. You can't say, "Transgender rights are not important," and also say, "I'm not making a statement on transgender rights." And Andrews isn't even running for re-election. And you're a Republican in fucking New Jersey who is running for a seat which represents, say, Collingswood and Haddonfield (and other towns where lots of gay people live) and you say things that will make no gay people vote for you and, seriously, how fucking stupid are you?

New rule: I don't want to go on a rant here. But, come on.

Transgender rights hearing earns Andrews praise, pans [Courier-Post]
Image via Dale Glading's website

Posted by D-Mac at 10:14 AM | Comments (1)

June 19, 2008

Carl Lewis Offers Words Of Encouragement

Hey, Olympic champion Carl Lewis showed up on a video screen the graduation of Willingboro High School (where he went) yesterday and... why, what did he tell the kids?

He also offered a dose of reality and asked all of the black males in the cafeteria to stand up. "By the time you are 30 years old, right now factually, half of you will be either dead or in jail," he said. "You are the half that isn't dead or in jail. You have to take control of your lives."

"So... uh... enjoy this graduation day, where you are neither imprisoned nor dead!"

Carl Lewis surprises Willingboro seniors [Burlington County Times via Philly EDGE]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:38 PM | Comments (0)

Get Off My Lawn, Valedictorians

Aw, it's time for Cherry Hill West to graduate. Congrats, kids! Now who's the Valedictorian? Wait, what's that?

If you're going to Cherry Hill High School West's graduation ceremony today, you might want to bring a midnight snack.

A record-setting six valedictorians will be making speeches.

Six valedictorians? Well that would certainly have ruined one of the plots in the last episode of Saved by the Bell. I hope all the schools' athletes were named Most Valued Player as well.

Big send-off for C.H. West Class of 2008 [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:14 AM | Comments (1)

June 13, 2008

N.J. Liquor Store Sales In Supermarkets?

Although advanced robots will tentatively soon sell wine in Pennsylvania grocery stores, New Jersey still has us beat in the alcohol game. Not only is 190-proof Everclear -- "The choice of collegiate binge drinkers everywhere!" -- legal in Jersey, but a Senate committee has voted to legalize liquor sales in supermarkets.

Easier access to liquor in N.J. is clearly a good thing for its residents. After all, how else would they survive Lou Dobbs' possible run for governor? Oh, man, I think even in Pennsylvania we'll need some Everclear for that. Over the Ben Franklin Bridge we go!

Buying liquor in N.J. groceries may be on tap [Courier-Post]
CNN's Lou Dobbs won't comment on run for N.J. governor [AP/Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:37 AM | Comments (0)

Conlin Suspended From DNL For... Something

Oh, yes. Bill Conlin. The Daily News columnist (and erstwhile king of the world) has been suspended from Daily News Live because of a comment he made on Tuesday's program.

Responding to an email from Raul from Vineland, Conlin said: "Amazing that guy would leave the blueberry harvest to send that off." Oh-ho! How offensive! You see... um... well, the blueberry harvest is probably usually done in Hammonton, right? Or... hmm... okay, how about this: The people working on the blueberry harvest are usually Mexican, and to say that someone in Vineland is Mexican is offensive! (If only Anthony DiMeo were here to clear this up!) Or maybe Comcast SportsNet just wanted Conlin off the program to make it a little less watchable.

Look, Daily News Managing Editor Pat McLoone has defended him: "I've known Bill Conlin for 28 years. I know he would never say anything racist." Um, then why is he suspended?

Anyway, Neil Hartman's apology the following day was way more hilarious than Conlin's original joke. Courtesy of The Fightins, it's after the jump.

Continue reading "Conlin Suspended From DNL For... Something"

Posted by D-Mac at 10:03 AM | Comments (3)

May 22, 2008

Wildwood #1 Beach In Worthless Online Poll

In a big eff-you to a bunch of my high school friends who always whined that the Wildwood beach was "too long," the monstrosity was voted New Jersey's best beach by some sort of poll, meaning it was 100 percent factual. The poll was also online, which totally ups that even higher somehow.

Wildwood actually bested not only both Wildwood Crest and North Wildwood, despite the former having the advantage of fewer annoying people and the latter having the advantage of no curfew for people under 18, though the beach is closed by then anyway.

The tourism board was angry that some shore resorts jumped the gun on announcing their top-10 status; somehow, Wildwood was first, the Crest second, Ocean City third and North Wildwood fourth. Guh?

Also, Asbury Park was sixth, which I can no doubt say is 100 percent the result of Bruce Springsteen. And, yes, it's now shore season, which is really all this poll was designed to remind you of anyway.

Voters picks for top-10 beaches [AP/Philly.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:50 PM | Comments (1)

May 20, 2008

Shore Season Approaching, Is No Different

NBC 10 also reported yesterday on the shore, which will be super-crowded this weekend thanks to Memorial Day. The price of a slice of pizza is up -- oh no! -- at Sam's Pizza in Wildwood, though it's only going from $1.75 to $1.90. Eh, that ain't so bad.

And also the Morey's Pier rollercoaster, The Great Noreaster, has a new name -- and boy is it clever:

Just in time for summer, Morey's Surfside Pier in North Wildwood is putting a new spin on one of its most popular rides. "It's the Great Nor'easter, which we're now calling 'Fly the Great Nor'easter,'" Morey Organization Vice President Geoff Rogers said.

Oh, I see, they put "Fly" in front of it. Like that Sugar Ray song! After two winter trips to Atlantic City, I really can't wait to get down the shore when the sun is shining and I can actually go in the ocean.

Roller Coasters, Pizza Costs, Gas Giveaways Shaking Up Shore [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:05 AM | Comments (1)

May 16, 2008

Meanwhile, Also Also In New Jersey...

A 78-year-old woman from Point Pleasant was attacked by a raccoon: "The woman fell down and the animal kept it's hold on the woman's calf for five to ten seconds Thursday, said Lt. Rich Larsen. The raccoon ran away when the neighbor jumped the fence to help the victim." Oh, what a wimpy raccoon. Sure, it'll attack a 78-year-old woman, but when an able-bodied neighbor shows up... Thanks, Rob

Posted by D-Mac at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)

Dead Employees Do Hard Work

Hey, so KPMG audited a bunch of New Jersey school districts. And here are some of the more fun expenses!

• Camden: $380,000: Checks issued for 10 dead employees. District said they were data entry errors and no money was paid; $3 million: The amount of federal grant money the district lost in 2005 after mismanaging the funds, jeopardizing future grants.
• Gloucester City: $1,140: Desk used by a summer employee; bids were sought from other companies, but this was lowest bid; $6,116: Rain jackets for football team; jackets were just one on a list of many items on this appropriation; $14,901: For professional geese removal from athletic fields; this is a year-round health problem on fields and parking lots requiring professional help.
• Pemberton Township: $999: Flowers for Secretaries Week, School Nurses Week, Special Education Week and Teachers Appreciation Day; $1,163: Mahogany desk, chair, bookcase, umbrella stand for elementary school curriculum supervisor; desk was actually steel but colored mahogany, and was a reasonable expense from state-contracted business for furniture set.

Man, I want a mahogany-colored steel desk! I could sit at it in my rain jacket and shoo geese away all day while paying dead employees to blog for me.

Flowers, catering, goose chase among flagged expenses [Camden Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:34 AM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2008

Ron Paul Clone To Run For N.J. Senate

Oh no. Some dude is running for Senate in New Jersey and... oh no, he's a maverick! But, uh, not one like Walnuts McCain -- who, uh, isn't a maverick -- one like... you know who.

Contending that Washington is "bankrupt" of both money and ideas, Dr. Murray Sabrin said the country is in a "perfect economic storm" that demands a return to free enterprise and confines the federal government to the role outlined in the U.S. Constitution.

"There's nothing (in the Constitution) about agriculture, housing, education, or energy," Sabrin, an economics professor at Ramapo College, said. He proposes that the federal departments bearing those names and functions be eliminated. Social Security would also be phased out under Sabrin's plan, with new workers shifting their contributions to 401(k) plans.

Yes, that's right, a libertarian doctor is running for Senate in New Jersey. We can shortly expect Dr. Sabrin to have a blimp, his own coinage and an army of angry online followers. And, look, thinks are going well for Maverick Murray so far!

Sabrin calls himself "Maverick Murray" and, lacking support from the party establishment, has striven for media attention in the primary in novel ways, such as inviting people to bet on his pick in the Kentucky Derby (Cowboy Cal) and contribute the winnings to his campaign.

Cowboy Cal finished sixth, out of the money.

Well, at least Cowboy Cal didn't die, like Hillary Clinton's horse.

Maverick label a fit for Sabrin [Camden Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:22 PM | Comments (21)

April 25, 2008

N.J. Spared From Its Drivers, Briefly

People who needed to get a driver's license this morning in New Jersey today were SOL, as the state's driver's license system was down for almost five hours for no apparent reason.

This little glitch is nicely explained in the comments of the Star-Ledger's blog:

This is a prime example why you do NOT want the government running the health care industry. Time for my surgery today -- "opps, the computers are down, come back tomorrow", she said with a think foreign accent from behind a inch of bullet proof glass.

Opps indeed.

State resumes issuing drivers licenses after computer glitch [The Star-Ledger]
N.J. Driver's Licenses Back In Gear [AP/CBS 3]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:10 PM | Comments (5)

April 23, 2008

N.J. Cop Charged With Sex With Cow

A cop in Moorestown, N.J. -- America's greatest place to live, or something -- was recently charged with sexually assaulting three girls.

And now, naturally, he's facing more charges related to sex he allegedly had with a cow. Yes, Officer Robert Melia Jr. allegedly engaged in sex with cows four times between June and December of 2006.

What makes this even more amazing is Terrell Owens was in the background while this man was having sex with cows! Unbelievable!

Officer Allegedly Performed Sex Acts On Cows [CBS 3]
T.O.'s been cropped out of porn site's photo [Phillygossip]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:46 AM | Comments (13)

April 15, 2008

N.J. Takes Candy From Babies

New Jersey Assemblyman Ralph Caputo is is drafting legislation to ban minors from buying energy drinks.

Caputo says he is worried about caffeine's effect on children. I assume energy drink prohibition for minors will be a lot like alcohol prohibition, with Red Bull speakeasies and armies of Protestant women destroying cases of Monster with axes.

There is no word if Caputo knows children can get the same effect from drinking, say, three cans of soda as they can from drinking a Red Bull. And with how expensive that disgusting stuff is, I have to assume it might even be cheaper.

State May Ban Minors From Energy Drinks [AP/NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:34 PM | Comments (4)

April 14, 2008

Del. Wine Store Is Against Speakeasies

The Inquirer today has a story about Pennsylvania residents illegally crossing into New Jersey and Delaware to buy liquor. Because of the tax still levied on alcohol from the 1936 Johnstown flood -- which the state is apparently still devastated from -- alcohol is much more expensive in the Keystone State than elsewhere.

Technically, it's illegal to buy liquor in a neighboring state and bring it back into Pennsylvania. But how likely are you to be caught? Well, only 11 people were cited in Pennsylvania last year for illegally importing alcohol.

The manager of Total Wine and More, in Delaware, says he's just making a living. But, hey, he doesn't sell to Al Capone and his cronies!

"We don't knowingly sell to speakeasies and restaurants because we don't condone that at all," Grunes said.

The state won't ever repeal the law because it brings in a million billion dollars a year, which the state legislators then spend on themselves.

Crossing the border with booze not exactly a high-profile crime [Inquirer]
[Image of L.C. Bee]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:32 AM | Comments (1)

April 09, 2008

N.J. Teen Threatens To Kill Chuck Norris

A kid from Pennsauken was arrested for allegedly compiling a hit list.

And look who was on it!

Laughlin said he did not know whether the student had specifically threatened to kill those listed: three students, a school staff member, and actor Chuck Norris.

Oh, come on. Who hasn't specifically threatened to kill Chuck Norris at one time or another? I mean, especially after paying a few bucks bucks to rent A Force of One.

Frankly, I'm surprised Rick Astley wasn't on the list, either.

Actor Chuck Norris on S.J. student's hit list [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:22 AM | Comments (0)

April 08, 2008

America Continuing To Police World

There's an election come November, so what is U.S. Rep. Chris Smith to do? Oh, that's right: Some grandstanding! Yesterday, Smith announced he was expanding Megan's Law globally! Megan Kanka's parents even flanked him at his press conference. That's election season gold right there.

Smith's bill would bar registered sex offenders in other countries from coming to the U.S., would notify other countries if a registered sex offender was dropping in and would use "carrots and sticks" to get other countries to adopt Megan's Law.

Our friendly rep from New Jersey also said the president is in favor of his bill and he "gets it big-time," which is the first time President Bush has ever gotten anything. Well, besides from his daddy and the Supreme Court.

Global reach of Megan's Law [Trenton Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)

April 03, 2008

Rutgers Holds Important Academic Event

Continue reading "Rutgers Holds Important Academic Event"

Posted by D-Mac at 12:17 PM | Comments (7)