July 17, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Technical difficulties yesterday and I couldn't post after the morning. But we're back today!

Ronnie Polaneczky: She thinks the Dalai Lama is holy.

Michael Smerconish: Ah ha ha ha Sasha Baron Cohen totally IRL trolled an entire arena full of drunk dudes. Smerconish is, of course, totally angry about this, for some reason already deciding the movie is going to make homophobes look bad or something.

Stu Bykofsky: You know what's weird? Stu's columns never actually show up with all the other columnists in certain parts of the Philly.com homepage. He's the only one, too. It's been like this for three years, but only someone who reads the DN columnists every day would be one to notice that. Okay, someone who does that and is neurotic, like me. Anyway, this column is about a comedian who lost her hand.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:24 AM | Comments (1)

July 10, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, here's a story about a sad event almost 40 years ago.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, Smerconish is writing about Christie Brinkley's divorce. Oh, I hope he does A-Rod gossip next!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)

July 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

It's a special pair of patriotism columns by Michael Smerconish ("Kenny Gamble's patriotic tune") and Christine Flowers ("Patriotism, not partisanship"). The best kind of holiday is on a Friday, because then the Daily News doesn't publish and we get Smerconish and Flowers on the same day!

But first, security guards are stealing 10 dollars from people at Penn's Landing. Neat, huh?

Ronnie Polaneczky: No, really: "According to a couple of staffers I spoke with yesterday at the Independence Seaport Museum, tourists routinely complain about the $10 permit fee they say they've been told, by the guards, must be paid if they want to snap pics on Penn's Landing." The hell?

Michael Smerconish: The late Father Divine (who Wikipedia eloquently says "controversially claimed to be God">) inspired Kenny Gamble's new song "I Am An American." Obviously.

Christine Flowers: I knew this column was going to be vomit-inducing when I read the headline. Christine Flowers tells Barack Obama to condemn what people on blogs wrote about John McCain. Obama, as you know, reads every blog on the Internet. (Hi, Barry! We go play hoop sometime.)

She also writes:

Now think what would have happened if Jefferson and Adams weighed the pros and cons of declaring independence, and settled for known comforts as opposed to the uncertainty of what rebellion might bring. And what if George Washington, serene on his farm in Virginia, refused to put on the uniform once more in the service of a noble dream?

These were heroes, despite their human flaws and the relentless criticism they've attracted in our oh-so-more-"enlightened" age.

Relentless criticism? Yeah, like that recent New York Times bestseller John Adams Was A Child Molester or the recent CBS special "George Washington: History's Worst President." Or maybe Flowers is referencing this PW cover story. I don't know.

Photo by kb35, Creative Commons license

Posted by D-Mac at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)

June 26, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, somebody finally wrote about how Aaron McKie could go to prison for a long, long time for lying on a gun application. Fortunately for us, Stu has a sentence in mind of his own, and he wrote about it.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, some people wrote some not-so-subtle racist letters in response to a Polaneczky column.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, no, now some Muslims are pissed at Barack Obama!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (2)

June 19, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Stu is in New Orleans, apparently.

Ronnie Polaneczky: EMS hired some new people with some new rules City Council passed.

MIchael Smerconish: Remember John McCain's first wife, the one who wasn't a beer baroness? Of course you don't. Well, she apparently doesn't hate McCain, which Smerconish presents as if it's some kind of novelty. Because everyone hates John McCain.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:45 AM | Comments (0)

June 12, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: There's a bishop accused of covering up a sexual relationship in his church -- and he's Episcopalian!

Stu Bykofsky: Tourist attractions have stupid rules than don't always make you feel so welcome.

Michael Smerconish: A heartwarming story from Michael Smerconish himself.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:19 AM | Comments (1)

June 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Wednesday
Jill Porter: There has never been a more complicated issue in the history of mankind than Rick's Steaks leaving the Reading Terminal Market.

John Baer: It's about Obama, and it's pretty good I guess.

Thursday
Dave Davies: We now have a strict deadline from the Daily News for the mayor to stop taking advantage of a loophole in the city's campaign finance laws.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu thinks Bonnie & Clyde should get more than 5 years in prison. Also, he is starting to write awesome endings in every single column.

Maybe the best punishment Bonnie & Clyde got was the public exposure and humiliation.

Thank you, Regina Medina.

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is a column that namedrops other Daily News columnists. Not just at the end this time. Throughout.

Michael Smerconish: Smerconish was quoted by Bill Clinton in a press release! "Independent observers continue to praise President Clinton's abilities on the stump: 'I have always said that Bill Clinton is still par excellence among all of them .'"

Posted by D-Mac at 09:47 AM | Comments (0)

May 29, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Okay, let's bring up a bunch of times where cops hitting people on tape, and explain why they were all good. Oh, but this recent one... maybe it wasn't so okay! But he gives them some options for stories the cops can tell that will make him feel better: "Did they believe that one of the men they were apprehending was wanted for the murder of Sgt. Stephen Liczbinski? Did they think the three were involved in the shooting of a civilian? Did they encounter resistance that the camera didn't pick up? Were any police injured in any way by the three men? Were racial epithets hurled by the men toward police?" What a strange column, even for Smerconish.

Stu Bykofsky: Come on, Stu, enough people know about the Tuskegee Airmen by now -- look how long their Wikipedia entry is! -- to call them "one of World War II's least-known outfits."

John Baer: Ha, ha, Bill Clinton has become a trainwreck of some sort.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yes, how dare the Boy Scouts attempt to keep their rent-free building with a lawsuit. Come on, they're just doing the American thing!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Today, Stu quotes an old Chris Rock bit about how not to get beat up by police. Then he adds some of his own riffs! Oh, boy.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yes, yes, people like animals more than they like humans. We all know this. Anyway, some state senator is really insensitive either way.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, noes, hockey is too violent, says Smerconish! Nevermind that hockey is way less violent now than it was, say, 35 years ago.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:47 AM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: This is about the LCB and doesn't even mention that it should be abolished!

Stu Bykofsky: Stu's animal welfare series continues today, and today he writes about how it's better to spend money on cats and dogs than homeless people. Or something like that.

John Baer: Yes, Hillary Clinton can't win, and yes, she's still in the race.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Wait, murderers will say shitty things about the person they murdered to get a shorter sentence? No way!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)

May 12, 2008

Smerconish Just Messing With Us Now

I was grilling while we simultaneously played a game of family soccer. Four hand-molded ground sirloin patties simmered on the flame alongside four all-beef hot dogs. The smell of dinner wafted through the neighborhood as we staged a match between "Man U" and "Chelsea."

That's from the fourth paragraph of Michael Smerconish's Sunday Inquirer column yesterday. Get it? Ha ha, he puts the things in quotes to show that soccer is stupid! Or he's unfamiliar with it! Not a terrible writing tactic, but not one I'd like to go into my archives to see how often I've fallen back on it. But it's kind of silly to put quotes around Manchester United and Chelsea, which is sort of like writing, "I was at this so-called sporting event, 'The Olympics.'"

The column is actually about the exploitation of racehorses leading to Eight Belles' death. But he's also eating hamburgers at the same time, so maybe he's making a point! OMG is Michael Smerconish going to become a vegetarian? Is he going to grill up murder suspects and eat them? Is it really funny that his dog is named Checkers?

The first two I'm not sure. But the third one is a definite yes.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:59 AM | Comments (8)

May 08, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Let's just quote the photo caption: "Scott Camilleri displays the rainbow-trout tattoo that covers the scar from his mastectomy surgery."

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is about a woman who gets along with her son's wife.

Michael Smerconish: Yay! With Brian Hickey no longer at City Paper, I was wondering what columnist would advocate police officers gunning down suspects indiscriminately. Thanks, Mikey! Bonus points for quoting CBS 3's Walt Hunter to show how evil the suspect the cops killed was. The last line, where you mention how the dead suspect is in Hell, though, really sells this one.

Also, Michael Smerconish:Maureen Faulkner::Christine Flowers:Duke Rape Case.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:31 AM | Comments (7)

May 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: This is about Fumo, but here's a great quote from State Sen. Anthony Williams: "I don't know the Amish and I don't hate them." What? You don't hate those puppy mill-owning jerks!

Ronnie Polaneczky: So this principal wants to hold a lunch for a bunch of schools, and other principals don't want to do it. Oh.

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, look, Stu has jumped on the "Islam is going to ruin America" bandwagon and the "I care what consenting adults do" bandwagon. Polygamy apparently goes hand-in-hand with child abuse according to Stu as well.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, Smerconish visits ol' Rick Mariano in prison. Oh, that's right, Mariano was dumb and abused his office illegally -- as opposed to abusing it legally, which most politicians do anyway -- and he's still in prison away from his family.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:52 AM | Comments (1)

April 24, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Ahh, here's another Stu column about how race isn't all that important anymore.

John Baer: Hey, we're going to get President McCain! Ohh, boy.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, some guy wanted more black bone marrow donors. So go get tested!

Michael Smerconish: Don't give in to cancer, Arlen Specter says!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:38 AM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: I believe Obama is win!

Jill Porter: This is about Passover. Naturally, I don't get it.

Michael Smerconish: Hey, Michael Smerconish endorses Barack Obama! Because... he might catch Osama bin Laden! Uh, okay. I am glad I don't think about 9/11 as much as Smerconish does; that would be pretty depressing.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:31 AM | Comments (1)

April 10, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Oh my God both of these columns are about Geno's -- I was really hoping to be able to ignore Joey Vento like I've been doing for forever ever now. Crap.

Michael Smerconish: Forget the column, the second comment on the article is the best part: "Word is catching on about Geno's. Terrible cheesesteaks run by a smug, small minded, tattooed up owner with an elemetary school education. The democratic candidates are not the only ones avoiding his shop." Ba-ZING! (Don't worry, the comments section will be swamped with people complaining about Mexicans in a few minutes.)

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, Joe Vento doesn't like being called a bigot. Well, hey, know what could stop that?

Now let us never speak of anything regarding any of this again.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:08 AM | Comments (7)

April 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: This column is about how Michael Smerconish got a gold eagle that used to belong to former Eagles owner Leonard Tose. It is, by far, the strangest column topic ever.

Stu Bukofsky: Hey, at least somebody else wrote about Philly's embarrassingly high jailing rate! Will the Inquirer mention it at all? I've got 100/1 odds, people, and I'm looking to rake in some dough.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:13 AM | Comments (1)

March 25, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is pretty good: Tour guide operators are limited to just one staging area at Independence Mall, so Ride the Ducks operates as four separate companies so it can monopolize the area. And city officials are like "I love Ride the Ducks! Quack, quack!" when asked why this is allowed.

Michael Smerconish: Oh man! Barack Obama hasn't been going to church during his campaign. Just like the rest of America!

Posted by D-Mac at 07:57 AM | Comments (1)

March 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Debbie Woodell: This is the final gay and lesbian issues column in the Daily News; apparently, Woodell didn't speak for the entire GLBT community. Ohh!

Elmer Smith: Oh, more gun laws that won't pass in Harrisburg.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, Michael Smerconish is also highly offended by this Christian's preaching as well.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)

March 06, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: Right, so Obama is going to try to register a ton of people to vote before the primary; the deadline's March 24.

John Baer: Look, Pennsylvania is "Hillary's to lose"! Right, so perhaps her campaign will attempt to stop people from registering to vote.

Michael Smerconish: Is there anybody, anymore, who believes the best cheesesteak in the city comes from either Geno's or Pat's? Not even anything against the cheesesteaks at the 9th and Passyunk institutions; we've just moved on. Why does every writer reference in it in 'overview of Philadelphia' columns? It's kind of the newspaper equivalent of a LOLcat.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu Bykofsky says a half-dozen dogs were at the Dog Justice Rally at Verizon HQ yesterday, along with 50 people. Drag, and PW forgot to film it.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:50 AM | Comments (2)

February 28, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

I'm so excited about posting working this time that I'm going to do two days of ADNC!

Thursday
Michaerl Smerconish: Ha, ha, remember when Ronald Reagan essentially tried to steal the Republican presidential nomination? Oh, well Hillary Clinton won't do that.

Stu Bykofsky: Neat, people doing nice things for cancer patients.

John Baer: Much like random Internet commenters, your friends and random dudes in bars, the media loves Barack Obama and is really annoying about it. (Just wait 'til a bunch of octogenarians start crowding the street for Republican candidate WALNUTS! McWars.)

Wednesday
Jill Porter: The word bitch, bitches!

Phil Goldsmith: "Me, Fidel Castro and my congas."

John Baer: Hey, Hillary didn't do well in the debate either.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:06 AM | Comments (0)

February 21, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: "It's about using objective data to inform our laws. The way we always have, when it comes to driving." Why would we do that with driving when we don't do that with anything else?

Michael Smerconish: This week was the three-year anniversary of the couple who disappeared after going to Abilene's. Michael Smerconish is Googling frantically to figure out why people like missing white women, and he comes to the correct conclusion that there's nothing America loves more than white teen jailbait.

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, this is a column comparing the Oscars to the presidential election.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:22 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 14, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: I dunno; it's about the Rendell stuff, bla bla bla.

Stu Bykofsky: A Stu Bykofsky column about love! Yes, I'll be sure to read this after I've done more enjoyable activities, like root canals.

Ronnie Polaneczky: How dare the Philadelphia Housing Authority send out calendars to remind people to pay their rent! No, really, that's the point of this column. Oh, no, wait, Polaneczky says it's not actually a big deal, even though she wrote her column about it.

John Baer: "Look for 'Doc's a thug' and 'Vince is a crook.'" Ooh, no, what awful campaign tactics!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:58 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

February 04, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, Philadelphia Traffic Court is incompetent and can't do anything right. Really, just shocking.

JOhn Baer: Hey, Harris Wofford supports Barack Obama! Anybody remember Harris Wofford? No?

Stu Bykfosky: Oh, boy, a whole column of French jokes. I bet these are fresh and entertaining!

Michael Smerconish: Just so you know, Michael Smerconish likes to torture our "enemies." Why? "It obviously works, or we would not continue to have this debate." The debating skills of a master.

Flavia Colgan: She wants you to vote for Barack Obama, as if you weren't expecting that.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

January 31, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: "Well, everybody's 'crazy' in their belief. Which means - and this was the point of the column - nobody's crazy." Uhh, Mike? You know, I don't think those two sentences follow each other.

Jill Porter: Hey, maybe it's good that the police and the community get along. Now if we can just get more KKK posters in the narcotics department, maybe the cops and drug addicts can hold hands and sing "Kumbaya."

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)