March 20, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: This is what newspaper humor columns were like before the Internet. And Dave Barry. And the French and Indian War. Be happy those things happened, please.

Mark Alan Hughes: Here's an argument to vote for Hillary you've already heard from her. Big states means big win over WALNUTS! McCain come November.

Fatimah Ali: Ahh, it's good to see that even after the Daily News let Fatimah Ali write that Hillary was a murderer, they continue to let her write whatever the hell she wants: "One of the most effective ways to wire an election is to throw the voters off the mark by using some incendiary device like the Wright sermons to keep our focus off the remarks made over the years by the opposition. A little research will reveal some of the slurs that Clinton has hurled at Jews and East Indians."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:39 AM | Comments (0)

October 25, 2007

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Yeah, people should be allowed to eat and smoke whatever they want! Well, no, just the things that are already legal! Except foy grass!

Mark Alan Hughes: If you think the problems are unfixable, you're looking for an excuse; but I'm allowed to say they're unfixable.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:50 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

December 20, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Mark Alan Hughes: I am so great that I am leaving my Daily News columnist job to go work for a candidate. Other people wouldn't disclose it! How awesome am I?

Jill Porter: Duh, I like it when the word "BAR" goes spinning around.

Phil Goldsmith: Someone was honest in politics and I'm confused.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:40 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

November 30, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Mayor Street is supporting his brother too much!

Mark Alan Hughes: Chaka Fattah is needed in Congress!

Michael Smerconish: Hey, let's tell the maniacs who think they're going to heaven for killing people that if they kill people, we're going to destroy their holy cities. What downside could there be except the murder of million of people!

Stu Bykofsky: Could the SPCA return to animal control? Phew, this column makes some sense, at least.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

October 26, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: I'M STILL OUTRAGED AT PARENTS AT SPORTING EVENTS!

Michael Smerconish: Citizen-soldier Michael Smerconish here, reporting for duty! We (America) may not be hunting for Bin Laden because, if we find him, people will want to pull out of Iraq. Hmm... yeah, Smerconish made a thoughtful point here; I'm kind of confused as to what to do next, too.

Mark Alan Hughes: That Philly-bashing op ed was wrong because of the Erie Canal!

Posted by D-Mac at 11:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

October 11, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Note: You apparently can't write "ass" in the Daily News.

Mark Alan Hughes: Yeah, the city government should be planning the city, because they always do such a bang-up job!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

September 26, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

John Baer: Lynn Swann won the debate against Ed Rendell. This should propel Swann into a crushing 15-point loss come November.

Mark Alan Hughes: Let's write in candidates instead of voting for the people the Democrats want us to! Yeah! Let's all do it! Everybody with me... hello... hey, where is everyone? Where are my legions of followers?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Doctors hate nurses.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

August 22, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Woohoo, Pennsylvania will soon be passing "stand your ground" laws! Let's just hope they don't apply to t-shirts.

Mark Alan Hughes: Hey, I wrote an op-ed for the Washington Post a while ago! Aren't I great?

Posted by D-Mac at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

August 15, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky Lots of grandparents raise kids in Philly.

Elmer Smith: Schizophrenia is funny!

Mark Alan Hughes: My distant cousin is awesome. I'm awesome. You all suck.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:40 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

July 25, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: When Eagles tickets are involved, forgery is most certainly legal.

Elmer Smith: I'm competing with Will Bunch in a contest to see who hates Republicans more.

Mark Alan Hughes: If Michael Nutter wants to be mayor, he better read my column.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

July 11, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Do we know if seat belts would save lives in school bus accidents? Well, let's do a study! Instead of just thinking, "Gee, that makes sense," and installing them!

Elmer Smith: What do you have to do to get a street named for somebody around here?

Mark Alan Hughes: "We need a mayor who can manage the tensions between old and new Philadelphians." Yes, this seems very likely.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 23, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Mark Alan Hughes: Someone has to be the adult here, and other annoying statements, in today's column! By the way, the Olympics are an awful idea.

Jill Porter: I was going to ask John Street to jump into a pool, but then I remembered that the city's too good for that now!

Elmer Smith: Welcome, Crips and Bloods! Don't stay too long, ya hear?

Posted by D-Mac at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 13, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Building trades partnered with Philadelphia schools, it seems. Hallelujah! No, really. Hallelujah!

Mark Alan Hughes: "For seven years, the ability to count to five has qualified as'budget genius.' We get the mayor we deserve." Ha ha! Get it! Because John Street's stupid!

Elmer Smith: The United States government likes it when prisoners commit suicide. Or something equally horrible.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 06, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Bill Cosby quote of the year: "Malcolm X talked about some of the same things I'm saying and they made a movie about him." Indeed!

Ronnie Polaneczky: "Now, see, that surprises me, 'cause I know y'all think the gangsta life is cool. But when 50 Cent raps about bein' a gangsta, this is what he's talking about. I guess he's not givin' you the whole picture, right?" Oh, I get it. The murders in Philadelphia are due to 50 Cent.

Mark Alan Hughes: Z-Z-Z-Zoning code....

Posted by D-Mac at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 23, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Bill Cosby brings his "Speak correctly!" tour all across America! Mushmouth not included!

Mark Alan Hughes: Six months ago, I sucker punched John Street with a witty bon mot. I'm sure you all remember it, right?

Posted by D-Mac at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 16, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Old people couldn't understand the new Medicare plan, so most of 'em didn't sign up. Hey, that's the spirit!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, 73-year-old Judge Becker rides the EL to work every day from the Northeast. I don't know how many years he's done it, but I'm certain he should get some kind of award for that. Riding SEPTA all those times...

Mark Alan Hughes: Something about oil.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 09, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Boy, Philadelphia sure is corrupt. Let's bring the Olympics here!

Mark Alan Hughes: Boy, it sure is hard to find a parking space!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

April 25, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: "On Feb. 1, 2005, Patti was killed on Roosevelt Boulevard in a hit-and-run accident so violent, it splattered her brains across the road." Wellll, I'm having breakfast, so I'm done reading this column, thank you very much.

Elmer Smith: Gas is expensive!

Mark Alan Hughes: When I write things, the Inquirer columnists copy it a few weeks later. Bold throwaway line in a column about going back to school, eh?

Posted by D-Mac at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

March 27, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, that evil pope, Nero and King Herod all want Philadelphia to pass a smoking ban! If Philly bans smoking, the terrorists, communists and the 18th century British Empire all win, bitches!

Urban Warrior Chris Brennan: Somehow, the city still continues to screw owners of The Sinking Homes of Logan™. And they're blaming President Bush. Sigh.

John Baer: The Pennsylvania legislator is corrupt! In other news, Terrell Owens isn't likely to receive a good welcome next year when he returns to Philadelphia.

Mark Alan Hughes: The city's zoning code is outdated and needs to be fixed. In the meantime, fortunately we have politicians who think they're entitled to whatever they want. Best description of Vince Fumo, like, ever: "He's like the man who has more money than he ever expected but still finds himself a couple of inches and several IQ points short of what he wants."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

March 07, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' columnists

John Baer: Things aren't so good for Joe Hoffel, as the 75-year-old who has called Fast Eddie "Edward G. Robinson" is viewed as a better candidate for Lt. Gov. than him. Of course, he'll still run, and hurt the party in the process -- but, then again, he is a Democrat.

Elmer Smith: Despite what the song says, it is hard to feel sympathy for a pimp's plight. Also, the Daily News makes a push for young readers today by saying Dolly Parton should have won the Oscar for Best Original Song instead.

Ronnie Polaneczky: A family where the mom shot and killed the dad is pulling together and helping out the kids. "We like to say, 'If we spit on you, you're family,'" said the dad's oldest brother, so I guess they spit on the kids a lot.

Mark Alan Hughes: Zzzzzzz... sorry, this column about the reorganization of housing agencies put me to sleep. Argh.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 21, 2006

Abridged 'Daily News' columnists

John Baer: Pennsylvania politicians sure are goofy!

Ronnie Polaneczky: With all these kids gettin' fat nowadays, you'd think everyone could just get surgery and everything'd be peachy. But, nope, not everyone's a candidate for surgery, which means youse all better hit the treadmill.

Mark Alan Hughes: "So, why do advantaged students and better schools go together?" I can't believe I wrote a whole column answering a rhetorical question.

Debbie Woodell: Abraham Lincoln might have been gay. Here are some other facts about our past presidents you might not have known: James K. Polk invented cheese, John Quincy Adams was a fantastic soccer player, Andrew Jackson could complete a rubik's cube with his mind, George Washington was the first man on Mars, Martin Van Buren is only one miracle away from sainthood and James Buchanan was straight.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 14, 2006

Abridged Daily News columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Newest web fad: trolling for human organs. Expect Craigslist to open up its "missed new kidney connections" forum any day now.

Elmer Smith: If women just withhold sex from men, gun violence will stop! Hmm, wait, that's not so bad of an idea.

Mark Alan Hughes: "The Daily News is basically a sports tabloid with a city desk." Oh, I'm sure the city desk and the features sections will love that.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:46 AM | Comments (98) | TrackBack (0)

February 07, 2006

Abridged Daily News columnists

Elmer Smith: This is the second straight mayor-praising column in two days in the Daily News. What is going on in this city?

Ronnie Polanezcky: If we can't have Live 8 every year, the only way we can get crowds to come to Philadelphia around July 4 is to hire Punxsutawney Phil. Because nothing says "celebration of America's birth" like a groundhog that can "predict" the weather.

Mark Alan Hughes: The only way to get kids to graduate high school (and not drop out) is to raise the compulsory school age to 21. Yeah, the Army will love this idea.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

January 31, 2006

Abridged Daily News columnists

Elmer Smith: In the biggest shocker of the year, President Bush's new health care plan is good for the rich and bad for the poor. Who woulda thunk it?

John Baer: This one's an actual shocker: Pennsylvania is making some progress in recent reports (no, really). Yeah, that's Pennsylvania, the same one Philly is in -- don't worry, everyone's surprised.

Mark Alan Hughes: The City Hall security plan is poorly thought out. Next up: A well-timed Milton Street joke!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

January 24, 2006

Abridged Daily News columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Sometimes this job is so fun it makes me cry!

Mark Alan Hughes: The most controversial movie of this year will be the most popular book of this millennium. No, really.

Christine Flowers: It's time for a lesson in lazy debate techniques, the old "broad (no pun intended) dismissing of feminism" and "what if things were reversed" one-two punch! By the way, this column is about why that all-boys school was denied its charter application.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)