September 02, 2008

Things Are Tough All Over

There is one good thing about having the summer end when you're 25: I don't have to go back to school! Ha ha, you stupid kids get the summers off, but at least we adults (or, in my case, "adult") don't have to spend all our time learning! Plus, now that all the kids are heading back to class, the Gallery will be less crowded. Ha ha, just kidding.

Anyway, one of the schools heading back this week is Lower Merion High School, a rich public school out in the 'burbs with such famous graduates as Kobe Bean Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers and Dan Bean Gross of the Daily News. While the kids at LMHS probably already make more money and you and me do put together, at least we had parking when we were in high school. (Or at least I did.) Thanks to the construction of a new school building, there is no student parking at the school. Hey, it's not like kids need to drive to school or anything. Erhm.

The school says it prefers its students get dropped off or walk to school, because... oh, man, I was all set to make fun of the LMHS kids when I started this story and instead it appears the administration is completely, 100 percent stupid here. The school actually even posted a video about the new traffic patterns at the school, to make themselves look even sillier.

Anyway, it's not all bad news: The kids at LMHS will now get $30 parking tickets every day, KYW 1060 reports. Things like these make me feel better about not being in high school anymore, even though I'd probably be going on a hunger strike to protest were I a senior at that school right now.

For Returning Lower Merion HS Students It's, Like Totally, a Parking Crisis [KYW 1060]

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May 16, 2008

A (Blurry) Message To All Philadelphians

There's an art project going on all month called Show Someone How You Feel About Something, where kids draw something to show how they feel about something. (Duh.) The project takes place at Clark Park on Saturdays and A-Space on Sundays and Mondays.

SEPTA Watch points out one bitching about SEPTA, always a fun pastime of any adult or child. But I happened to be at A-Space last night to talk with the Philly NORML guys and spotted a bunch of them on the walls.

There was one with drawings of condoms, telling Mayor Nutter to allow 'em in Philly schools, a couple addressed to The Pope and one saying Bush should be impeached, saying kings have been beheaded for less. And then there was this one, addressed to Lynne Abraham. I snapped a photo with my camera phone.

Aw, hell. It came out all blurry. Well, I started the post, I might as well finish it. (This is the kind of award-nominated dedication you can expect from Philadelphia Will Do.) Anyway, if you look closely, you might be able to see what it says: Dogs, not semi-automatic weapons. Why didn't we all think of that before?

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April 19, 2008

Ha Ha, Kids Who Can't Vote For Obama

Everyone knows Barack Obama is popular with the kiddies. "He's their KFC JFK!" the adults say, and they are probably right. But some of these people are so young they will not even be able to vote for President Obama for re-election in 2012, except in their mock elections -- and by then they will want to vote for Ron Paul anyway. (For mayor, they'll be voting for Larry West.)

PW reporter extraordinaire Alli Katz interviews some kids who support Barack Obama but won't be able to vote for him next week. Ha ha, stupid kids! What can Obama do for them -- they don't even drive! (As the commercials tell us, Obama will stand up to the oil companies with his giant gun of hope.)

Hillary Clinton immediately called for the punishment of these children by taking away their violent video games.

Obama's Youngest Supporters [PW]

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October 11, 2007

Home-Schooled Student's Plot To Kill 1 Foiled

Hey, everybody, we have our own school shooting story right over here! A home-schooled kid in the suburbs was arrested for planning a "Columbine-type" attack on a school. Since he's home-schooled, he apparently was going to shoot up his own house.

Oh! Here we go. He was going to storm Plymouth Whitemarsh High School in his attempt to be a bigger idiot than the Columbine kids.

A 14-year-old home-schooled male student was taken into custody after a 9mm assault rifle, air guns, hand grenades, explosive powder, a bomb-making book, videos of the Columbine shooting, and disturbing notebooks were found at the student's home, according to Plymouth Township police.

How would he carry that all into the school? I guess it's not really all that much, but it seems like this kid would get weighed down. Unless he's that creepy kid bodybuilder, he can't be that strong.

‘Columbine-type’ threat thwarted at Plymouth Whitemarsh High [Inquirer]

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October 04, 2007

Kids Actually Take Candy From Stranger

A portion of the crime log in Warminster, Bucks County:

Man gives candy to boys: Police say a man in a gold/brown four-door sedan gave candy to two boys on the side of Norristown Road.

According to police, a 10-year-old and his 12-year-old brother were waiting for a ride when the car pulled over on the side of the road. Thinking that the car was their ride, the boys approached it, and the man waved a bag of candy out the window, giving the boys two mint Lifesavers and a Tootsie Roll. No words were exchanged, however. The driver was described as being a white male in his 40s or 50s with a full head of gray hair and no facial hair. Anyone with information is asked to call Warminster police at (215) 443-5000.

If you know anything about this, please contact authorities. As usual, this is for entirely selfish reasons: You see, I really would be interested in if this man would be charged with, if anything. The odd thing about every child being told not to take candy from strangers is it's legal. Right? This guy didn't say anything, he just gave the kids candy. That can't be against the law. If it is, what a great crime to be charged with. "I'm in for giving candy to some kid" etc.

Also, did the kids actually take the candy? Way to listen.

Public safety log for 10/04/07 [The Intelligencer]

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July 26, 2007

More Fun: Kid Throws Ax At Cop

It's not just Penn kids who are being attacked by gangs of pre-teens. No, out in Plymouth Township -- is that the one with the Ikea? -- the perpetrators are 8-year-olds and the victims is a police officer. Oh, and the cop was attacked with an ax. Apparently, if we got all the guns off the streets, people would just settle differences with medieval weapons, such as axes, maces, morning stars and possibly catapults.

The 8-year-old who allegedly attacked the cop with an ax ran away with two friends from a school for children from "troubled families." The kids then stole an ax from the back porch of a home, and somehow got into an altercation with a cop. The cop told the boy to put down the ax, police said, but instead the kid threw the ax at the cop, missing him but hitting the police car. (That car was one day from retirement!)

The Plymouth Township deputy police chief said this: "And even afterwards, they had attitude. They were bad. They got inside a police car. They were spitting at cops." Ha. Now that we're not even safe from eight-year-olds, I think I'll just stay inside from now on. Oh, wait, that's the same as usual.

Police: 8-Year-Old Attacks Officer With Ax [NBC 10]
July 17: Gangs Of Preteens Stealing Money For Pogs

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July 13, 2007

Oh Yeah, Miss NJ Can Keep Her Crown

Oddsmakers immediately made her a 5-2 favorite for the Miss America pageant, due to her skill in the talent competition, which this year tests nipple strength.

Pageant: Miss New Jersey can keep crown despite racy photos [AP/CNN.com]

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July 12, 2007

Miss NJ Releases Photos; World Bored

In other scintillating photos people were waiting to see but aren't quite sure why news, Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo released the photos someone had blackmailed her with on Today this morning.

The photos are pretty boring even for embarrassing college shots; the one shows her boyfriend kinda sorta biting her nipple through her shirt, there's one where she has pumpkins over her boobs, one where she's spreading her legs with jeans one and others where she's -- gasp! -- drinking. In all of the photos, None of them are nearly as risque or stupid as photo #2 here.

The organizers are meeting to decide whether to strip her of her crown. If she's de-sashed, the only reason ever to watch this stupid beauty contest is gone.

Miss N.J. releases blackmail photos [Today]

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April 12, 2007

Vallas To Exit; District Looks For Kid-Friendly Leader

Paul Vallas is packing his things, has rented a U-Haul truck and will be outta here as soon as possible. The superintendent of the school district, the guy with a plan to turn every other building in Philadelphia into a magnet school, says five years is enough.

His loss will most likely be celebrated by some, and sadden others, but the main thing is: The School District of Philadelphia needs a new superintendent who cares about the students.

"I think it's a major blow to the city of Philadelphia and the school district," Greg Wade, president of the Home and School Council, the district's parents' group, said of Vallas' departure. "Say what you want about the man, he had our best interests at heart. I truly believe that."

Yeah. I mean, what about all those school superintendents who hate kids and routinely beat them with rulers? Paul Vallas wasn't one of them. Whoo!

Vallas to leave city schools post [Inquirer]

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February 21, 2007

Kids Nowadays Love Skimpy Costumes

This letter's about a month old, but let's look at it anyway. It's from the greatest of all letters pages, the Northeast Times'. And it concerns the Times' kids column -- cleverly titled "Kids Stuff."

And, of course, someone is upset by it.

I have enjoyed William Feldman’s Kid’s [sic] Stuff since he began the column several years ago. But last week I was more than a bit shocked when he was doing a review of the play Chicago, which is by no means kids’ stuff.

It has adult themes, adult drama, skimpy costumes and nothing that would be appropriate to anyone below their teenage years, aka, "kids."

Please understand that I love William’s writing — he is a very talented young man (emphasis on man), nor do I have a problem with the show Chicago — I found it very entertaining! But is Chicago something to be published under a Kids Stuff theme? I think not.

Adult drama! Skimpy costumes! Is nothing sacred anymore?

'Kids Stuff' no longer for kids [Northeast Times]

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December 12, 2006

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yesterday, the author of The Boy of Steel spoke at several elementary schools in Bucks County, talking about his best-selling kids book where a cancer-striken boy goes to Yankee Stadium to be Robinson Cano's bat boy for the day. (No, really.)

Author Ray Negron's book clearly taught the kids everything they needed to know -- you "shouldn't give up if you are sick, if you are bald, or if you have special needs," said one. In addition to writing Yankee-themed children's books, Negron also works for the Yanks as a personal assistant to owner George Steinbrenner, who hired him originally after he caught him spraying graffiti on the wall of Yankee Stadium.

Allow me to compare the Yankees and the Phillies for a moment. Negron was somehow caught by the team owner defacing the team's stadium. The owner then said he'd give him a chance and somehow he's now The Boss' assistant.

What do you think would happen if the Phillies caught someone spraypainting Citizens Bank Park? A quick arrest, a press release vowing prosecution to the full extent of the law, maybe even a segment on the local news. "Not even... two... year old... Citizens Bank Park... covered with graffiti!"

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Author tells kids to never give up [Bucks County Courier Times]
Photo by wallyg, licensed via Creative Commons

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September 13, 2006

Pa. Mom Finds Way To Get Son To Do Long Division

Philadelphia Will Do is always committed to looking out for chances when the rest of the state looks as pathetic as we do, and so we bring you this story: A 30-year-old mom from Conewago Township, Adams County, admitted in court Monday that she routinely smokes pot with her 13-year-old son.

She did it, of course, to reward the boy for doing homework. (She also warned him to stay off cigarettes, so she's not that irresponsible.) Amanda Lynn Livelsberger pled guilty to a laundry list of drug charges and corruption of minors. She said she's been smoking up with her boy since he was 11.

In addition to the reward for finishing homework -- who wants to bet her son gets straight As! -- she also smoked with her son for another major reason:

Police said the boy indicated his mother told him if he smoked marijuana he would forget about his father, who is in prison for selling and smoking crack.

Shit. Break out the blow and everyone'll be happier.

Mom admits giving son pot [The Evening Sun]

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August 28, 2006

If Kids Read The 'Inquirer', It Wouldn't Harm Them

Yesterday's Faye Flam column was one of the more popular items for columnists: Answering hate mail.

Specifically, Flam's 1700-word opus asked a rather simple question. She wondered, "Is my column hazardous for kids?" Apparently, since Flam began writing her "Carnal Knowledge" pop science/sex column, she and her editors have gotten hate mail, have cancelled their subscriptions and have told her that her sex column is going to ruin their kids lives.

Flam's column comes to the conclusion that, no, her column does not ruin kids' lives. (Phew!) And reading about a nude beach is not going to make kids have sex earlier.

And although it does touch on the idea that kids probably aren't that interested in sex columns, more specifically Inquirer sex columns.

But it doesn't ask the question that you're having right now: Wait a minute, kids read newspapers? And, more specifically, kids read the Inquirer?

Hazardous for kids? [Inquirer]
Archives: Faye Flam

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May 22, 2006

Councilwoman Cripples Late-Night Ice Cream Truck Business

Last week, Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown (that's her, at right, in one of those annoying Phila.gov City Council headshots) introduced a bill in council that would institute a curfew of 9 p.m. for everyone under 13 in the City of Philadelphia. (It expands to a 9:30 p.m. in the summer and 10 p.m. on weekends.)

As usual, since kids can't vote, politicians feel free to pass laws without worrying how anyone will feel about it. This leads to both good and bad laws, and I'm not quite sure how to look at this curfew bill. It's supposed to stop the violence both by and done to kids, it seems, but if course since kids are shot while walking into school nowadays, I don't know much it'll work.

It's not much different than the current curfew bill, except police will pick up kids, take them to the police station and call parents in to pick them up. But what if the parents never arrive? Well, then the city will have an army of sleep-deprived superkids, ready to take on the ills of our little 135-mile burg

Let's let Councilwoman Brown describe her bill, though:

"We need our youth to hang in there," the councilwoman said. "As we find ways to overcome violent behavior in our city. Our children need to develop character versus acting like the characters they see on television, in the movies, or culture often glorified in this day and age. Being in the house around a supportive system will help transition the focus from hanging out to hanging in."

Indeed! And what better way to develop character by watching characters on television while at home due to the 9 p.m. curfew.

Councilwoman Wants Curfew For Children [The Evening Bulletin]
May 15: U.S. Rep Has No Friends On Myspace
Related: An ice cream truck in Philly might be selling drugs, but I couldn't catch up to it in order to find out

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March 31, 2006

Where The Wild (Liberal) Things Are

There's a story in the Evening Bulletin today about Hillary Clunkton, a fictional cartoon character who is the villain of a series of conservative children's books. (Don't worry, it gets better.)

The third book in the Help! Mom! series -- which had previous titles of Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed! and Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper! -- will feature Hillary being arrested, and you can even bid on an eBay auction to get to be the one who apprehends her.

I don't really know why childrens' books are the appropriate audience to bash Hillary Clinton, since kids (1) don't vote and (2) don't care. But, apparently, liberals have been polluting our kids' minds for ages:

"Liberals have been targeting children in their war on traditional values for years," says DeBrecht, a mother of three. "Since they can't persuade adult voters to abandon personal responsibility and embrace the welfare state, they have instead chosen to flood our classrooms and libraries with books about gay kings, socialist fish, and even marijuana use. It's time to put a stop to it - and ironically Hillary is going to help us do just that!"

Holy shit. There are kids books about that? Where's my Choose Your Own Adventure where if I go to page 46, I get to smoke a bowl, and if I go to page 72, I get to chill with a sweet socialist fish? And don't you think a gay king would be a blast to read about? Just think how nice his castle would be!

I feel so cheated.

Hillary's Going To Jail; Charity To Benefit [The Evening Bulletin]

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