September 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, a Rick Santorum sighting! Remember him? No, me neither.

Jill Porter: Hey, this is kind of the same thing Ronnie Polaneczky wrote yesterday, although this one is like five times funnier because it says Sarah Palin is "pro-slavery."

Michael Smerconish: I really don't get what the point of Smerconish's column is sometimes; every once in a while he has a piece like today that's just basically, "How will the Republicans get what I want?" Then he cheers 'em on. Who really wants to read that?

Still, it kind of makes it all worth it when it leads to columns that contain things like this:

Is she more knowledgeable than Mitt Romney on the economy? No way.

Stronger on terror than Tom Ridge? Impossible.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:29 AM | Comments (1)

September 02, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: I really enjoyed this quote from George Pataki in Baer's column today: "I don't want a citizen of the world as our next president, I want an American patriot."

Ronnie Polaneczky: In another episode of "the Daily News columnists not understanding correlation versus causation," Ronnie Polaneczky thinks that Bristol Palin's pregnancy proves abstinence-only education doesn't work! (Not that abstinence-only sex ed works -- it doesn't -- but I don't really think that's the issue; surely Polaneczky wouldn't want to change from the current DARE formula of abstinence-only drug education -- which also doesn't work -- would she?)

Then she quotes some blog comments from the New York Times, to make this column even better.

Fatmiah Ali: My favorite part of this column is how Langston Hughes is referred to as "Poet Langston Hughes." Thanks for that identifier, I was going to be a little confused there otherwise.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:39 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, somebody give the Mummers Museum money!

John Baer: All those investigations of the legislature are costing you a ton of money -- in legal fees to help legislators get off!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Boy, Tom Ridge sure won't be the next vice president!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:34 AM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Forget Elizabeth Edwards; the real victims here are the people who cut checks to John Edwards!

John Baer: Yes, the legislature won't ever be reformed.

Elmer Smith: Boy, they should probably build those casinos.

Deborah Leavy: "I confess I don't have six-pack abs. I also don't have an entourage that includes a head coach, sprint coach, strength coach, two 'stretchers,' two massage therapists and a nanny. Talk about high maintenance!" Please stop trying to make jokes, Daily News columnists.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)

August 06, 2008

Abridged Daliy News Columnists

John Baer: 102-year-old Arlen Specter leads Chris Matthews in a poll for 2010's Senate race. Yes, if those are our two candidates for Senate, we all are doomed.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:22 AM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, this column begins wondering if Larry Mendte is "just plain evil." (I love the moral calculus of the Daily News.)

The U.S. attorney charged him Monday with secretly accessing Lane's e-mails 537 times over five months, logging in again and again, hour after hour, morning and night, over a five-month period.

It's absolutely chilling.

Uhm, yes, "absolutely chilling." He was reading her Yahoo! Mail account. It's not the end of civilization. Then there are seven rhetorical questions in a row, each in its own paragraph!!!

!!!!

Am I missing anything from the inventory of a perfect life?

Is there anyone who wouldn't settle for what Mendte had? Even a portion of it?

How and why would he jeopardize everything to destroy Lane?

How and why would he humiliate his wife, hurt his family?

What more, as my reader asked, could he want?

To be sole anchor on the news?

For that he sold his soul, committed a crime, lost everything?

Yes, and Jill Porter spent time writing this column while people are starving and the U.S. government tortures people in the name of any one of several wars we're currently fighting.

John Baer: The Brookings Institute brought a bunch of people with degrees to Washington in order to come up with ideas to fix the Pennsylvania legislature. Two of the ideas are a best legislator award, a big contest to get people interested in politics and a giant robot duck that will destroy the state capital and the entire legislature. Amazingly, only one of those is fake.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:56 AM | Comments (1)

July 21, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Because the Daily News does not have a website, Stu Bykofsky needs to do a whole column of reader mail so the people can be heard.

Anyway, it's actually not a bad column because some of the letters are awesome. Case in point:

* I cannot vehemently disagree more!!! The fines are a filthy joke!!! Each fine should be five grand!!! That's right, $5,000!!!

- "Tony the Viper" Vare, Fox Chase

Fox Chase, huh? Must be hooked on the opium and underage girls.

John Baer: Ah hahaha, the way the probe into the state legislature bonus scandal began was when Terry Shaffer testified against his boss and friend, who he grew up with. Now he can't get a job in politics again, obviously, because he spoke up about illegal stuff. Stop snitchin' is alive and well!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:06 AM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Damn, if only Milton Street was involved in building that planned skyscraper!

John Baer: Hmm, now that they could get arrested, state legislators want some ethics reform!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:47 AM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, thanks to Allison Schwartz, doctors will eventually be forced to file prescriptions electronically. Yes, for some reason you still have to walk with a written piece of paper to the pharmacy in 2008. Thanks, Congress, I guess.

Stu Bykofsky: "Women often complain about hitting the glass ceiling in some jobs, but never about hitting the shag rug in others. In this arena, women have always had a leg up." Yeah, so quit complaining about the glass ceiling, bitches, because sometimes a politician offers you a cushy no-show job. Geeze. No really I think that might actually be his point. This could also be a humor column, though, as I saw a lot of phrases that I think might be "jokes."

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Okay, she did a column on diversity that, while simply pointing out the obvious, didn't include any lies (as far as I can tell) and wasn't completely bonkers! I think she has, like, two of these in the past few weeks. Baby steps, baby steps.

Jill Porter: Bedbugs! On the parkway! Looks like getting rid of DDT wasn't the best idea after all. Stupid Jake Roberts.

Elmer Smith: Hey, it's about Jesse Jackson's "gaffe" about Barack Obama. If you want me to read this column and summarize it, press 1. If not, press 2. Okay, moving on.

John Baer: Ha ha, the state legislature is corrupt. (NB to Baer: You should just write about how corrupt the legislature is all the time. I feel like those columns are always awesome.)

Posted by D-Mac at 09:12 AM | Comments (2)

July 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Oh, I just saw this at Starbucks: People are running a marathon in memory of Beau, the Starbucks employee killed last month.

John Baer: A column about funny stuff in the state budget. Love it. The best part is how the state legislature still spends $48,000 a year on American flags for constituents. Oh, God help you if you cut the flag-maker earmarks. (They have bumper stickers that say, "I'm a union flag-maker -- and I vote!")

Posted by D-Mac at 08:44 AM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Oh, man, are lawmakers going to get arrested and shit? That would be awesome.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:27 AM | Comments (0)

June 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: "A BAD PUN: Gov. Ed tries to push Pennsylvania forward, but he just can't budge it." The first step to stopping bad puns is admitting you have a problem. Eleven steps to go, John.

Update: Anyway, we now have a budget. Baer's column is (as usual) pretty solid, but man, oh man, is the state budget the most boring thing in the history of the world.

Stu Bykofsky: Ha, ha, Stu doesn't want to be fined $150 for dropping his cigarette butts on the ground. (Also: If you contest the littering fine and lose, it's doubled. Guh-wah?)

Posted by D-Mac at 09:02 AM | Comments (0)

June 25, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: "Gossiping about Alycia Lane and Larry Mendte is no longer fun now that serious accusations have overshadowed the giddy scandal." What, reading someone's email? I mean, yeah, that's a shitty thing to do, but it's not like Larry Mendte put a gun to anyone's head. This wouldn't even make for a good episode of Gossip Girl.

John Baer: The drug companies don't want Pennsylvania to spend less on prescription drug costs, so it's not going to happen. No $100 million savings for us!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:42 AM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Get this! People are holding rock concerts in order to sign people up to vote! I know, those longhairs are finally doing something useful -- must be low on the reefer! (Or perhaps have some of that more potent pot.) Perhaps they could tell people to "rock the vote" or something.

Stu Bykofsky: This column is awesome, just because I know it's going to draw incredible comments.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:35 AM | Comments (0)

June 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Yes, it's John Baer doing his "there won't be any reform, this is Pennsylvania" shtick again. It's okay because it's true, though.

Jill Porter: Yes, channel your fury over someone you didn't know about until the other day "getting off easy." Add it to your already-outraged plate.

Posted by D-Mac at 07:31 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: The best part of this column is the one Republican calling Ed Rendell's health care plan "New Deal thinking." Yes! And that Al Jolson is quite the actor!

Stu Bykofsky: This is Stu's joke: "I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck." Get it? Because those Pakistani Muslims are always blowing themselves up! Ho, ho!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Ha ha, Jill Porter has damned someone not only to hell, but to a certain section of hell, in her column today. Uh, what?

John Baer: Hey, let's completely change the way America picks a president.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:44 AM | Comments (0)

June 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Ha ha, all the politicians in the state legislature don't want to lose their seats so they gerrymander their districts. Because they're politicians.

Christine Flowers: OMG there's a Catholic priest who Flowers doesn't like! He said mean things about white people, though, so there's your explanation.

Stu Bykofsky: Apparently everybody is just coming up to Stu Bykofsky (on the street?) and asking him what's going to happen to Larry Mendte because he just knows the biz.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

June 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Wednesday
Jill Porter: There has never been a more complicated issue in the history of mankind than Rick's Steaks leaving the Reading Terminal Market.

John Baer: It's about Obama, and it's pretty good I guess.

Thursday
Dave Davies: We now have a strict deadline from the Daily News for the mayor to stop taking advantage of a loophole in the city's campaign finance laws.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu thinks Bonnie & Clyde should get more than 5 years in prison. Also, he is starting to write awesome endings in every single column.

Maybe the best punishment Bonnie & Clyde got was the public exposure and humiliation.

Thank you, Regina Medina.

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is a column that namedrops other Daily News columnists. Not just at the end this time. Throughout.

Michael Smerconish: Smerconish was quoted by Bill Clinton in a press release! "Independent observers continue to praise President Clinton's abilities on the stump: 'I have always said that Bill Clinton is still par excellence among all of them .'"

Posted by D-Mac at 09:47 AM | Comments (0)

May 29, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Okay, let's bring up a bunch of times where cops hitting people on tape, and explain why they were all good. Oh, but this recent one... maybe it wasn't so okay! But he gives them some options for stories the cops can tell that will make him feel better: "Did they believe that one of the men they were apprehending was wanted for the murder of Sgt. Stephen Liczbinski? Did they think the three were involved in the shooting of a civilian? Did they encounter resistance that the camera didn't pick up? Were any police injured in any way by the three men? Were racial epithets hurled by the men toward police?" What a strange column, even for Smerconish.

Stu Bykofsky: Come on, Stu, enough people know about the Tuskegee Airmen by now -- look how long their Wikipedia entry is! -- to call them "one of World War II's least-known outfits."

John Baer: Ha, ha, Bill Clinton has become a trainwreck of some sort.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yes, how dare the Boy Scouts attempt to keep their rent-free building with a lawsuit. Come on, they're just doing the American thing!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: While your Memorial Day is over, the state lawmakers are still in the middle of their two-week break. Enjoy democracy!

Fatimah Ali: Children are our future, we need to educate them, etc. The best part of this column is its exciting intro quote from Orrin Hatch.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:56 AM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: The League of Women Voters is suing the state, alleging a deal between the judiciary and the legislature that traded a pay raise for upholding the state's gambling law. Oh, Pennsylvania. (Also: What a lame trade.)

Jill Porter: Jill Porter really likes the word "thugs."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:48 AM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Michael Smerconish: This is about the LCB and doesn't even mention that it should be abolished!

Stu Bykofsky: Stu's animal welfare series continues today, and today he writes about how it's better to spend money on cats and dogs than homeless people. Or something like that.

John Baer: Yes, Hillary Clinton can't win, and yes, she's still in the race.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Wait, murderers will say shitty things about the person they murdered to get a shorter sentence? No way!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)