Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: I have no idea why the parole board is shrouded in secrecy, though I also have no idea why it matters, why Jill Porter wrote a column about it and why I’m even writing this now. Let’s just move on.

Elmer Smith: Yes, rich people still get everything they want in America.

Christine Flowers: Wow, there’s even more strawmen in this column than usual. I counted six or seven.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Last night’s debate was “mild.” I believe that means it was “more boring than toast.”

Jill Porter: Let’s just blockquote out the thesis, if you will:

Dieter blames the availability of guns for what happened to him. But he doesn’t necessarily believe that anything is going to change.

“I’m not sure there’s a solution,” he said, because people in rural areas don’t appreciate the havoc that gun violence wreaks in cities.

Enjoy simple solutions to gun violence? Congratulations, you’re now qualified for Philadelphia media and/or government.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, see, Stu doesn’t want Latrice Bryant to go to jail for anything she wrote; he just wants her to get an official reprimand from the Human Rights Commission. And he’s filed a complaint to make it happen! “My case might be the first one heard under the new ethnic-intimidation law.” It’s nice to see our friends at the Daily News are such staunch defenders of free speech.

Jill Porter: Oh, it’s a humor column about Sarah Palin’s moose-dressing skills.

Michael Smerconish: Recidivist thugs!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Oh, man, today is going to be a good day, too, I can just feel it. I know it won’t reach yesterday’s level, but if it’s half that I’ll be okay.

Elmer Smith: Ever hear of that dude George Bush? Apparently, he hasn’t done too well as president.

Jill Porter: Jill Porter wants you to tie a blue ribbon around your tree so you, too, can show how much you love the police. But it’s ok if you don’t have a tree! “Not to worry if you don’t have a tree,” she writes. I see.

Christine Flowers: Meh. It’s pretty boring, even for Christine Flowers. She’s written this column — liberals are bad, cops are saints, there are no “root causes” for anything anyone ever does ever — 15 times already. Eh, what a disappointing day altogether.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, being poor sucks! (Also: 50 grand a year is working poor now?) This is my favorite sentence: “One night, he came home in tears after peer pressure got him into a situation he couldn’t handle.” Clearly, his peers were pressuring him to perform heart surgery or something.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: I went through and counted the one-sentence paragraphs in this column. Well, no, I didn’t, but there are a lot.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, a Rick Santorum sighting! Remember him? No, me neither.

Jill Porter: Hey, this is kind of the same thing Ronnie Polaneczky wrote yesterday, although this one is like five times funnier because it says Sarah Palin is “pro-slavery.”

Michael Smerconish: I really don’t get what the point of Smerconish’s column is sometimes; every once in a while he has a piece like today that’s just basically, “How will the Republicans get what I want?” Then he cheers ‘em on. Who really wants to read that?

Still, it kind of makes it all worth it when it leads to columns that contain things like this:

Is she more knowledgeable than Mitt Romney on the economy? No way.

Stronger on terror than Tom Ridge? Impossible.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers’ abortion columns are just as annoying as her other ones. Shocking, I know.

Elmer Smith: Boy, reforming DHS would be a good idea.

Jill Porter: Yes, Jill Porter is very angry Larry Mendte won’t be going to jail. Hence the problem with any sort of prison reform in this country, since we just love locking up people.

This column also includes seven rhetorical questions in eight sentences at one point. This is kind of a feel-good column, though, because it reminds me I’m not the kind of person who would feel better if a TV anchor who spied on his coworker’s email went to prison for several months.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Jill Porter’s mom moved into a retirement home and now she plays Sudoku with Will Shortz.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Get this: Some outrages in other countries receive more attention than others! Also, apparently wanting to end the Cuban embargo is the equivalent of burning down the White House.

Jill Porter: Porter found something hilarious on the city’s website! Apparently, when deputy L&I commissioner Eileen Evans isn’t sending L&I officials to bust hippies, “She is a firmly committed Christian and seeks to have biblical principles govern her life-style and her decisions.” At least that’s what it said on phila.gov.

Porter was offended, naturally, and took it to the ACLU to have them get offended, too. But, whoops! The ACLU didn’t care. Fortunately, the Anti-Defemation League was there to pick up the ball and run with it.