December 07, 2007

The Good Old Fashioned Morons In New Jersey

My new favorite source for up-to-the-second commentary on anything, the Courier-Post Forums, has a hot debate going on right not that dwarfs any previous debates about why homosexuality is a choice and why Jews and Indians are doctors.

The backstory: A dog named Congo bit a landscaper and was sentenced to death. But since we only get bloodthirsty about humans being put to death, the dog was spared by a State Assembly panel.

Oh, but there's a twist. I think it's best to just let the Courier-Post explain this one: "The story connects hot-issue circuitry. Mix the gentility of leafy, enlightened Princeton with the dog-lovers and the immigration debate -- the landscaper is reported to have been an illegal from Honduras -- and the story quickly won global appeal." Congo is New Jersey's Jocelyn Kirsch!

Congo's owner, some guy named Guy James, says the ninety-six bites our friendly Honduran immigrant received were actually in self defense after the dude and some buddies hit the dog with a rake. Assemblyman Neil Cohen went to visit the dog and decided, hey, this dog's fine: "Congo had sat patiently and played with a 'Hanukkah toy' from Cohen, while reporters and photographers accompanied the legislator."

Continue reading "The Good Old Fashioned Morons In New Jersey"

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November 26, 2007

Northeast Citizens Give Hilarious Crime Solutions

Okay, more Northeast Times fun. My dad actually had this paragraph cut out of the paper and circled in red ink from last week's issue when I was home on Thursday. It's a detail of a town hall meeting State Rep. (and Speaker of the House) Denny O'Brien recently held.

The forum gave O’Brien a chance to hear from constituents. There were all kinds of suggestions, from re-opening Holmesburg Prison to building a wall along the Mexican border to amputating the index finger of anyone who fires a gun illegally.

O’Brien, though, favors a systemic approach to crime. His four-pronged approach includes not only the criminal justice system, but a focus on the areas of education, behavioral health and community outreach.

Sometimes, just writing it straight produces the most hilarity. And, yes, if you're wondering, this is another Onion article come to life, though I'm not totally sure that fake article isn't actually real.

Time to move forward in crimefighting [Northeast Times]
Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public [The Onion]

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June 05, 2007

Bulletin's Trail of Tears From Lansdale To London

The Bulletin -- née The Evening Bulletin -- is concerned with immigration. Like, really concerned with immigration. The Ol' Bull's so concerned with immigration reporter Joe Murray has become the paper's Southwest U.S. correspondent.

I can only assume this means Murray will patrol the border with the Minutemen and maybe interview some illegal immigrants. (And he'll probably call them "illegals," which is just a nice thing to call people.) Oh, and he'll also slaughter some American Indians, who I thought conservatives were cool with now:

Andrew Jackson had made great strides taming the Indian threat, America had taken a rebellious Mexico City to the woodshed and American manufacturing was at the beginning of a boom that would make it the envy of the world. America was enjoying the benefits of youth, and it was the West that was her tabula rasa.

Ha ha, and then Jackson set in motion for Martin Van Buren to kill 4,000 Cherokee.

Murray will be reporting from Las Vegas, so clearly he's essentially the paper's "Hell" correspondent.

The Bulletin is a paper that is on the move and is reaching people from Philadelphia to Paris, Lansdale to London. The Bulletin, however, is not just any newspaper. It is committed to bringing top quality news to a readership that respects family values and the decency that made America great. Thanks to the World Wide Web, The Bulletin is not only Philadelphia's family newspaper; it is the world's.

As you may know, I used to work at the Bulletin as the arts and culture editor. I think the "family values and decency" thing is where we ended up differing a little bit. Fuck yeah!

Joe Murray: Go West, Young Man [The Bulletin]

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February 13, 2007

No One Can Resist Nick Cage's Charm

Thanks to reader Chris for noticing something I missed in the Bridgeport story in yesterday's Inquirer.

The relevant anecdote from the article, emphasis mine:

"In some ways, I can't blame them," said Anette Robles, 24, who was born in Mexico and raised in El Paso, Texas, and who moved to Philadelphia after thinking the city looked appealing in the film National Treasure. "People who are used to running things don't like it when other people come in."

That's funny. I have a buddy who originally moved here because of The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

Mexicans feel Bridgeport brush-off [Inquirer]
Nicolas Cage is a One Man Tourism Agency [Huge Tiny Mistake]
The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon [IMDb]

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October 30, 2006

Leftovers: Party On North Broad

• Fight on, Temple! The Owls ended their 20-game losing streak Saturday with a 28-14 win over Bowling Green. (The Falcons, naturally, beat them 70-7 last year.) Could a bowl game be next? Uh, no, but this guarantees a few more "Golden Age of Temple Football" billboards on I-95 next year. And, for Temple, a win is a golden age. [Inquirer]

• Oh, yeah, if you're wondering, apparently Temple football fans can hold a grudge about being called a crappy football team for a long, long time. [Temple Football Forever]

• Hazleton, Pennsylvania, the first city to pass an anti-illegal immigrant ordinance in America, is now suffering from businesses closing (in the Hispanic business district) and such. But the mayor sympathizes with the business owners, so, y'know. [Inquirer]

• As much as I hate podcasts, there's a new podcast up on SoundAboutPhilly by the always-entertaining Once Upon A Nation people. Play it for your out-of-town friends. [SoundAboutPhilly]

• A former Republican staffer in Bucks County claims he was fired after criticizing an email sent by GOP supervisor Fred Gold. The email featured a topless woman promotion "Breast Appreciation Day" -- ho ho -- and a sentence saying, "Beats the shit out of Martin Luther King Day, doesn't it?” Gee, this ex-GOP staffer should learn that sexual correspondence over the Internet is part of the Republican party's platform. [Bucks County Courier Times]

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October 12, 2006

Raj Locks Up Elephant, Mariachi Band Vote

It's going to take a lot for 13th Congressional District longshot/ex-Apprentice contestant Raj Bhakta to knock off incumbent Democratic Rep. Allyson Schwartz in November's election. He needs something big. Something memorable. (Or he needs Schwartz to be found in bed with Mark Foley's severed head.)

Since Schwartz is rather unlikely to murder anyone anytime soon, Bhakta turned to the next logical way to get attention: Hiring a six-piece mariachi band and three circus elephants to stand near the U.S.-Mexican border.

Bhakta thinks our borders aren't secure enough and, if we don't secure them, mariachi bands and elephants will be able to come freely into America and steal jobs from hard-working American mariachi bands and elephants.

He didn't have any of these men or elephants cross the border, of course, but he says nobody was there and so they could have easily snuck in. But, uh, why elephants. Okay, yeah, Raj is a Republican, but does he think it's Republicans who are sneaking across the border? Wouldn't he be for that? Will our country one day be overrun by illegal immigrant Republican mariachi bands who will spend their time playing patriotic ditties while dismantling social security?

Only time will tell.

Making a pachyderm point [Doylestown Intelligencer]

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September 20, 2006

Leftovers: Hey There, Blimpy Boy

• The feds arrested 115 illegal immigrants over the past five days in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Holy Geno's, Batman! [AP/6 ABC]

• The blimp flight that was the dream of seniors went off yesterday, although high winds grounded at least one person's turn on the blimp. (They went one at a time, it seems.) Alas. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• NB to vandals: The police have access to your Myspace bragging, too. [Inquirer]

• The space shuttle Atlantis is cleared for landing! Chris Ferguson can come back to Earth and prep for a parade down Woodhaven Road. [AP/Phillyburbs.com]

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September 07, 2006

And Jesus Cast The Illegal Immigrants Out Of The Temple, Saying...

Illegal immigration is one of those can't-miss column topics that is sure to generate a lot of reader commentary. It's also something people (those people, of course, not including me) feel strongly about, and so it gets written about a lot.

Stu Bykofsky weighs in again on the debate today. It's a pretty good column premise at first, asking people to tone down the religious rhetoric when it comes to the immigration debate:

It's a fair fight, mostly, but the "condone" crowd has claimed the moral high ground for itself. It basks in its self-anointed goodness, purity and saintliness.

Not content with legal and moral arguments, its latest thrust - unveiled in demonstrations over the Labor Day weekend - is religious, which is a very dangerous game to play, especially with what's going on in the world today.

"A law that opposes the law of God is not a law that should be obeyed," thundered Agapito Lopez, an opponent of Hazleton's ordinance against illegal immigration.

I'd tend to slightly agree. While religious beliefs certainly influence one's own views on hot-button topics, it's not much of a debate tactic to simply say, "Well, God doesn't want us to obey this law." It may be how you feel -- and, that's certainly okay -- but you're not really going to convince anyone who doesn't already think like you (or share your religious beliefs) if you simply say that God is on your side.

So, I suppose, I want to commend Byko for... oh, what's that?

He certainly wasn't talking about Jesus' admonition to "render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's." Jesus meant the Romans had the right to tax the Jews and to impose Roman law. I'm no Bible scholar (as if you didn't know that), but I conclude Jesus would agree that civil authorities can take action against illegal immigrants.

You see, Rabbi, it's best to keep religion out of this debate.

Oh, by the way, Jesus is on Byko's side.

Stu Bykofsky | Keep religion out of illegal immigration [DN]

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September 05, 2006

'Courier' Gets Tales Of Racism Out Of Way Early In Immigration Series

The Bucks County Courier Times is doing a weeklong series on immigrants living in Lower Bucks County. (The LBC, if you will.)

Here's how it begins:

Sometimes, it's a banana that flies into Lorenzo Bravo's bike along Street Road.

Other times, it's a racial slur or a loud honk that throws him off balance.

Bravo, 37, originally from Mexico, has been a permanent U.S. resident since 1988, but some people still assume he is here illegally.

“Most people are good,” Bravo said of Americans. “But some ... they just see me walking on the street and they don't like me.”

Oh, Bucks County residents. You so crazy! And racist!

Is melting pot overflowing? [BCCT]

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August 21, 2006

Anti-Illegal Immigration Rally Allows Residents Of Riverside To Fly Their Racism High Under The Guise Of 'God Bless America'

Because, really, what better way to show that your predominantly white town is a home to a bunch of racist fucks than fly the Confederate flag? Ooh, the protesters could cheer the flag as it goes by, too. Yeah, that'll do.

Protest roils Riverside [Inquirer]

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July 25, 2006

Leftovers: Too Fat To Know Why You're Fat

• America's obesity epidemic has hit new heights, as many people are now are too fat for diagnostic imaging exams to work. Wait... Diagnostic? Are we cars now? Well, we weigh almost as much. Ba-ZING! [HealthDayNews/Yahoo!]

• The South Jersey town of Riverside is planning on imposing a $1,000 fine on anyone who employs or houses illegal immigrants. Apparently, Brazilians have moved into the Jersey shore (Editor's Note: Whoops!) town. Ahh, yes! Soon they'll be renaming the town Lado del Río! [Inquirer]

• A clever thief has come up with a new way to steal things: From unlocked cars. Yes, children, it's 2006, you should probably lock your car doors no matter where you are nowadays. [Inquirer]

• And, finally, Eagles training camp is new and improved -- now with pads! [Philly.com]

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July 13, 2006

Blogicized: Snakes On A Video

• Snakes on a Plane: The Music Video. Amazing. [Badminton Stamps]

• MSNBC lists Top 10 Least Politically Correct Movies Ever, fails to note Birth of a Nation (or, for that matter, any porn ever). Then again, it was probably done by a 13-year-old intern. (Note: Previous inaccurate line taken out.) [A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago]

• Rick Santorum is helping the mayor of Hazelton, the town that just declared war on illegal immigrants? What a shocker! [All Spin Zone]

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July 11, 2006

Vento Donates To ESL Program, Wants People To Know He Doesn't Really Want People To Learn English

The Bensalem Rotary Club was looking for fundraisers for an English as a Second Language program they were funding recently, and one fellow laughed that they should ask Joe Vento, owner of Geno's Steaks, for money.

Rotary member Stvee Moran, however, didn't take this as a joke, and drove down to South Philly (all the way from Bensalem!) to order a pizza steak (in English) and ask if Vento would donate to the program. He spoke with Diana Vergagni, Vento's sister-in-law, who handles much of the charity work of the Geno's owner.

And, hey, what do you know, the next day a check for $200 was in the mail. Good for Vento et al. But in case you were wondering, well, he doesn't really care:

“We don’t go looking to donate money to people who want to teach people English,” [Vergagni] said. “He just basically donates to Rotary clubs and anything for kids. It’s just a coincidence. He’s not promoting to have courses to teach English.”

Phew. We thought he might actually be interested in teaching people English for a minute there.

Geno's donates to ESL program [Bucks County Courier Times]
Archives: Geno's

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July 06, 2006

Jesus Loves You (Unless You're An Illegal Immigrant)

There's a letter in today's Daily News, responding to an op-ed opposing a wall between Mexico and the U.S., that makes a new point in the immigration debate:

Besides pointing out to Mr. Bowyer that heaven itself (reputedly a compassionate place) has entrance requirements, let me say that Mary, Joseph and Jesus were refugees - and there is a world of difference between the two conditions.

Clearly, he's solved the immigration debate. Who better than St. Peter to guard our border?

Letters | Another view on illegals [Daily News]

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July 05, 2006

Blogicized: God Bless America

• For anyone who has taken Joe Vento's "advice" to heart and is interested in becoming a citizen of our fair country, here's some advice: England is also known as Great Britain, and JUDICIAL = JUDGES. [Tinapopo]

• If you're wondering, a post on this very blog has led to noted quizzo host Johnny Goodtimes traveling around on a giant billboard for Traffic.com. Philadelphia Will Do: Changing lives. [Johnny Goodtimes]

• Carlos Ruiz is now the Phillies starting catcher. Let's let him stay there. [Beerleaguer]

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May 30, 2006

Press 1 For Asshole

There's an article in today's Inquirer about the immigration debate, but that's not really what it's about. It's an article about assholes, and how they run some of our more popular local businesses.

Or, really, only one. The asshole in question here is Joe Vento, owner of Geno's, who has a sign on his window that says "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English." Vento certainly has every right to run his business how he pleases, since this is America! But we (fortunately) all have the right to mock him, call him an asshole and wonder why someone pointing to 'provolone' would get you all riled up?

Vento doesn't limit his assholic behaviors to Geno's, though:

With Geno's Steaks tattooed on his arm, Vento is used to publicizing things, especially what's on his mind. Speak English signs also poster his Hummer. He has driven through South Philadelphia blaring through the SUV's P.A. system denunciations of neighborhood business owners who hire illegal immigrants.

"I say what everybody's thinking but is afraid to say," Vento said. [...]

"They want us to adapt to these people. What do you mean, 'Press 1 for Spanish'? English, period. Case closed. End of discussion. You better make it the official language."

Ahh, yes, the old American tradition of going around a neighborhood and blasting your stereo and telling your neighbors you hate them. And, really, is there anything more American than getting all worked up about having to spend a half-second pressing '1' for English? God Bless America!

Also, how does a deaf person order at Geno's?

Thanks to The 14th Windiest State for the image, although I think Joe Vento only has one mood.

An old struggle to adapt to a new country's ways [Inky]

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May 18, 2006

It's Official: The National Guard On The Southern Border Is Just Depressing

Today's Metro debate:

I don't know if sending troops to the border is the right idea, but I don't necessarily think they'll get depressed while they're down there. What's more amazing is our hungry friend managed to say the same answer as a guy yesterday!

Yesterday: Soldiers on Paxil Most Important Problem In Iraq War

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May 11, 2006

The Beautiful People

If you get a chance today -- you know, when you're not busy reading the "FLAB TO FAB" finale! -- check out the Daily News' cover story on the delays in the U.S. immigration system that hampered one local married couple.

They eventually sued Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff -- which, you have to admit, is a pretty fun thing to get to do -- for turning a 60-day process into a three-year ordeal.

What I especially liked was this line here, about why Paola Emery's aunt couldn't come to America to see her neice's wedding:

They were married at Old St. Joseph's Church near 3rd and Walnut streets in November 2002. Paola's parents, brother and two cousins came for the wedding, but her Aunt Amanda was denied a visa because, the immigration official said, she was "too pretty" and was probably coming here to find a husband.

NB to Homeland Security: There can never be enough pretty girls in this country. If you're gonna keep a group out based on looks, make it the uglies, okay?

How law divided a family [DN]

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May 02, 2006

Blogicized: Special Alien Sombrero Edition

• Here's a question: Who else but illegal immigrants would make a giant cardboard alien with a sombrero (at left, like you couldn't figure it out yourself)? Right: Perhaps a legal immigrant on a green card, or an American citizen, or an alien who loves the flavor of Latino culture, etc. But you look at that and tell me that's not awesome. More photos and a report from our good friends in the "independent media." [Philly IMC]

• Using some good old fashioned graphs, the Phillies at one point last night had only about a 10 percent chance to win. And they won! Don't worry, they'll blow the game tonight and ruin all of our fun. [Balls, Sticks & Stuff]

• You can be a little overweight, and have big boobs, and thighs, etc., and still be attractive, says Liz. And, as usual, I couldn't agree more. [The Trouble With Spikol]

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On The Plus Side, I'd Like To Run A Casino

Yesterday was "A Day Without an Immigrant," which made me think: If your day wasn't disrupted or altered in any way, do you hate immigrants? Because my day was pretty much the same.

Of course, being a bleeding heart 23-year-old socialist libertarian, I really feel for immigrants in this country. If someone wants to come to America for a better life, that kind of makes me happy. Heck, if you want to come to America and settle in Philadelphia, well, I'd be a little confused. But it makes me proud! Really? My city? You want to come here?

Now, should people enter legally? Uh, sure. But since we can't seem to figure out how to make that reasonable to do, people are going to come here illegally -- be they Mexican, Irish, Russian or whatever -- and if they're here, and they're not bothering anyone, and they're not kicking any puppies, then... eh. Seems like we have bigger fish to fry. Yeah, it's not "fair." Neither are a billion other things.

Plus, not only is deporting all 11 million illegal immigrants logistically impossible, but the idea of breaking up families and groups of friends makes me cringe. Really cringe, actually. I think even the staunchest isolationist isn't all about breaking up families.

But, perhaps I'm being too bleeding heart. (And I'm sure some of you are already preparing an angry comment. Fair enough. But please keep it civil.) So I'd like to give the stage to this letter writer in today's Daily News (emphasis mine):

Illegal Mexicans by the thousands scurry across our borders knowing they are doing wrong. They are paid peanuts by exploitative employers taking away otherwise tolerable paying jobs from Americans whose forefathers fought wars and paid taxes for years in this country.

Do you think these criminals (by definition of American immigration law) will keep our laws after they sneak in like thieves in the night?

History shows that the American Indians did not protect their borders and look where it got them. A few casinos out west are no recompense for the loss of an entire country.

Yes, the Iroquois Confederacy should never have offered amnesty to illegal European immigrants. That really didn't work out too well for them.

A country that's really tough on immigrants [Daily News, 2nd letter]
¡Viva Mexadelphia! [PW]
"Mr. Miki! you be good while I'm gone, Baby. Buh-bye!" [Cute Overload]
Photo by fotogail

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April 24, 2006

Because, Really, No European Immigrants Came Here Illegally, No Way, No How

Regular readers of this blog may be a little confused by my, shall we say, obsession with the Northeast Times.

It's simple, really: I grew up in the Northeast, and each week I'd usually read the Times and its broadsheet competitor, the Gleaner -- yes, Northeast Philly is a two-paper town -- and I'd laugh at the wacky letters, cringe at the racist ones, laugh again at the mistakes, &c. The papers actually do a fine job of covering Northeast Philly news, though, so don't take my obsession as an obsessive hatred, please.

But getting back to the Times alone, the other weekly read is the editorial. Give the paper credit: It isn't afraid to take a stance on anything. There are some fluff editorials, but it's rare to not have them, since, you know, there's always that editorial space to fill and there may not always be something to comment on. But, usually, they can take a might-not-be-so-popular stance on a subject, such as this week's editorial on illegal immigration.

This editorial is typical of Times editorials; t always just seems so cocksure and pompous. Now, perhaps when you get letters like the paper usually runs (and I'd hate to see the letters they reject) you realize that there's a chance your audience has the brain power of mud. But, uhm, dude, I try not to get on my high horse too often here, if only that I'm a 23-year-old smartass who blogs about typos and puppies. But, yeah, here's a this week's editorial:

There's nothing wrong with millions of people sneaking into the good old U.S. of A to start new lives -- unless, of course, you happen to be one of those rare Americans who think the laws of the land are supposed to be obeyed and enforced.

The brouhaha over what to do with the 11 million illegal immigrants is much ado about nothing. The solution, dear readers, is so simple that it can be summed up in three words: Kick them out.

Legal immigrants, like our friends from the Soviet Union who make major contributions to Northeast Philadelphia's richly diverse business and residential communities, are a vibrant, important part of the American fabric.

Illegal immigrants (call them what they are — ALIENS!), on the other hand, are more trouble than they're worth, and some are potential terrorists. After 9/11, do we really want to tempt fate
Sure, some of the illegals do a lot of the grunt work of American industry — the low-skill or no-skill jobs that real U.S. citizens don't want — but imagine for a moment what would happen if every alien was deported back to Mexico, or Haiti, or the Dominican Republic, or whatever. Imagine how many jobs would be available for real Americans who can't find steady employment. Our McDonald's, 7-Elevens, gas stations, etc., would not close. The opposite might even happen. The law of supply and demand and the reduced pool of available labor would likely push wages up a bit. That's not a bad thing.

Meanwhile, our friends from abroad who wish to become U.S. citizens are invited to learn our customs, history and laws. Come to the melting pot capital of the world. Live the American Dream. Work hard.

Use your blood, sweat and tears to make an honest living. It's the way we do business in the freest land in the world.

Oh, and before you settle here, please learn to speak English.

It's the American way.

See what I mean? But, yeah, I know what you're asking, and I'm way ahead of you: Of course the Northeast Times won a second place Keystone award for editorial writing.

Alien nation [Northeast Times]
2006 Keystone Winners: Division 6 [PA Newspaper Assoc.]
Archives: Northeast Times

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April 10, 2006

Leftovers: Judge Lest Not Ye Be Judged

• A judge has ruled against a Pennsylvania Bail Bonds enforcer who wanted to sign his name 'GOD.' Brian Holyspirit is still awaiting a ruling. [AP/6 ABC]

• Best intro to a listing ever: "In the event that you have never read or seen their work, trust Philly EDGE when we say that when City Paper/ NBC 10 personality A.D. Amorosi and Philly stand-up comic Danny Ozark get together, serious shit is about to happen." [Philly EDGE]

• I'll have something to say about this tomorrow (hopefully), but for now Philly Future has a nice roundup of the immmigration rally in Love Park today. No skateboarders, though. [Philly Future]

• An audio primer to the Reading Phillies, who have about 45 mascots and are therefore awesome. [Beerleaguer]

• It's never a bad time to revisit a nice blog feud, as Badminton Stamps lays the smack down -- or some other stupid, annoying catchphrase -- once again. [Badminton Stamps]

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February 14, 2006

Quickies: Only half of the tail

• A whole heartwarming story about a puppy rescued from certain death and not one photo placed online. Talk about only delivering half the story. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Yes, the new scheme by federal authorities in fighting terrorism is attempting to deport a pregnant woman. Hooray! [NYT]

• Despite breakthroughs in sciences and technology, the average penis size still remains a mystery. [Slate]

• And Donovan McNabb gets moved to the front of the airport line in Puerto Rico. No, this is a real story. [DN]

• Oh, yeah, and Andy Katz is all over Villanova's win over No. 1 UConn in South Philly last night. [ESPN.com]

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