October 26, 2007
Perplexed City Council Ready To Fix Your TV
As you may know, in early 2009 television will cease analog television broadcasts and transmit only digital. People with cable won't really have a problem, as will those with newer televisions. Those with old-timey TVs will have to purchase a converter box; the government will provide $40 coupons to anybody who wants 'em. (
Look! The government has produced a less-than-helpful .PDF.)
While the government will make a boatload of money by auctioning off the old spectrum that formerly transmitted analog TV, the whole switchover is most certainly going to be a mess. (People, as you may know, are idiots.) But, never fear, Philadelphians: City Council is here to help!
"When the television doesn't work, they're going to call us." City Councilwoman Marion Tasco knows phones at city council offices will light up when TV goes all digital in February of 09: "We need to explain to them what's going on."
When someone's TV goes out, do they really call City Council? Man, I think I just realized that despite the six-figure salary, you have to deal with idiots all the time; I don't know if it's worth it. "Hey, Jim! My television isn't working!" "Yo, Brian, my refrigerator is broken!" "Um, Jannie, did you see today's Dilbert? It's hilarious!"
City Council Gets Briefed on Switch to All-Digitial TV [KYW 1060]
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Terrorists Finally Win; Pa. Hides Location Of Polling Places
You know, I was thinking of voting the first Tuesday in November, but it seems kinda scary. After all:
What if a terrorist attacks my polling place? You might think that's a little silly, but
the state of Pennsylvania doesn't! Yes, the locations of polling places will not be published this year
due to fears of terrorism.
Yes, that's right: Usually, the state publishes a big ol' list of, you know, places where you can vote. Even though your vote is meaningless, it's at least nice to keep a semblance of a representative democracy. But since terrorists have been thinking about disrupting that all-important Nutter-Taubenberger mayoral election, the Department of State has decided not to release a list of places where you can vote.
The reason, of course, is the 2004 terrorist attack in Madrid, Spain, which happened just before an election there. (News of it didn't reach Pennsylvania until last week.) And since Michael Nutter and the Area Comptroller in Nowheresville County were the ones who got us into this war in the first place, terrorists might be thinking about taking action against Pennsylvania polling places. Especially in Berks County.
"The agencies agreed it was appropriate not to release the statewide list to protect the public and the integrity of the voting process," Department of State spokeswoman Leslie Amoros told the Associated Press. "It certainly had nothing to do with wanting fewer Democrats voting," she added in a quote I just made up.
If you need to know where you vote, you can call the state or county election bureau. Oh, and it's all freely available on the state voter services website. Terrorists, as we know, do not have access to the Internet.
Pa. Won't Release List of Polling Places [AP/The Guardian]
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October 19, 2007
Tourists Too Dumb To Know What Pajamas Are
A little after 9/11, the Greater Philadelphia Tourism and Marketing Corp. launched the "Philly's more fun when you sleep over" campaign, aimed at boosting sagging hotel occupancy rates. The ad series apparently worked, but it's been quite a while, so the day after the mayoral election the GPTMC's going to roll out a new campaign.
And why, after so long, has the campaign gotten a little stale? Well, it's because the international symbol for sleep -- a dude in pajamas, perhaps dancing all around Center City while singing a catchy tune -- is just too hard for potential tourists to comprehend.
Levitz did acknowledge that the "Philly's more fun" campaign had started to show its age. The campaign featured people, ranging from the campaign's hired "Pajama Guy" Jim Malone to Mayor John F. Street, in red pajamas.
Focus groups, conducted in six cities, showed that people were confused by the whole concept of pajamas.
"People didn't even know what pajamas were anymore. They'd say, 'What is he wearing?'" Levitz said. "People didn't want to see Pajama Guy. They just wanted to see more photos of the city and countryside."
Man. We gotta put these tourists on the duck boats they love so much and teach those idiots what pajamas are.
Phila. unveils new tourism ad campaign [Philadelphia Business Journal]
Philly: The Musical [YouTube]
August 20: Tourists Deserve Your Scorn As Much As You Thought
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October 11, 2007
Home-Schooled Student's Plot To Kill 1 Foiled
Hey, everybody, we have our
own school shooting story right over here! A home-schooled kid in the suburbs
was arrested for planning a "Columbine-type" attack on a school. Since he's home-schooled, he apparently was going to shoot up his own house.
Oh! Here we go. He was going to storm Plymouth Whitemarsh High School in his attempt to be a bigger idiot than the Columbine kids.
A 14-year-old home-schooled male student was taken into custody after a 9mm assault rifle, air guns, hand grenades, explosive powder, a bomb-making book, videos of the Columbine shooting, and disturbing notebooks were found at the student's home, according to Plymouth Township police.
How would he carry that all into the school? I guess it's not really all that much, but it seems like this kid would get weighed down. Unless he's that creepy kid bodybuilder, he can't be that strong.
‘Columbine-type’ threat thwarted at Plymouth Whitemarsh High [Inquirer]
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September 25, 2007
Worst Corn Maze Ever
Hey, know what's a good thing to do around Rosh Hashana? Well, hell, I don't know, I'm not Jewish. But I do know something that's not all that nice to do:
Cut a giant swastika into ground!
Yes, the swastika at right was hand-cut into a corn field in Washington Township in Mercer County recently and was discovered by a helicopter pilot on a "routine maintenance mission." A routine maintenance mission for what? To check for swastikas carved into cornfields? Because that would be a pretty hot job.
Anyway, people are blaming stupid punk kids or possibly racists. But police aren't expected to find the culprits because the news media fucked it up:
The attention directed to the site by news helicopters, however, may have led people to trample evidence, which could hamper their investigation[.]
Huh? Did people think it was a corn maze? Please, Corn mazes are only carved into cool things, like Gerald Ford.
Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield [NBC 10]
Police Investigating Giant Swastika Carved Into New Jersey Cornfield [Fox News]
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September 17, 2007
A Nation In Crisis Needs You Now, Sisqo
In recent years, horrible columns with incessant whining of conservative commentators decrying the "nanny state" have risen in numbers that no graph could possibly contain. (Plus, I'm fairly sure conservative commentators are against functions, too, so there's no point in plotting it anyway.) These columns have risen in such great amounts because commentators have run out of topics, yes. But they've also risen because, uh, lots and lots of people are telling us how to live our lives so we don't manage to kill ourselves.
Some regulations by a government make sense. For example, we have building codes so we don't all drive our cars into a new barn on Walnut Street. (Or something like that.) We have seatbelt laws because we're too dumb to wear seatbelts. We have drug laws so the government can oppress us. But sometimes the laws seem to go too far, depriving us of our American right to eat ourselves into a 500-pound ball of fat and die of heart disease at 45. (I think that's how Patrick Henry died.)
There is an interesting debate to be had, though; if making things like smoking a minor inconvenience actually saves peoples' lives, does the government have a moral obligation (for lack of a better term) of enforcing these laws? Or does this encroach too much on our own liberty?
Yes, there is an interesting debate to be had, but not here. That's because this new law is about banning thongs and baggy pants in Trenton.
Continue reading "A Nation In Crisis Needs You Now, Sisqo"
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July 23, 2007
Can't Stop The Music
Rule number one of transporting cocaine: Don't do anything stupid that would let the cops into your card. I don't really know if that's rule number one, but, hey, it seems like it'd make a good first rule.
Regardless, the Glassboro's Wilbert Lopez was allegedly carrying 19 bags of cocaine in his SUV when he crashed into a crowd of people at the XPoNential Music Festival just over the river in Camden on Saturday. He allegedly rear-ended a car before continuing down the street and crashing right into the center of the festival, smashing into a Ben & Jerry's stand (funny) and a little girl (not as funny).
The show, however, must go on.
On Sunday, Roger LaMay, general manager of Philadelphia's WXPN-FM, said most festival visitors he spoke with didn't even know about the incident. "Fortunately there were no serious injuries... and the show continued and there were no disruptions," LaMay said.
That's right, folks: No car crash could stop Robert Hazard's 8:20 p.m. set. Phew!
Man charged in music festival crash [Camden Courier-Post]
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July 10, 2007
Idiot Terrorist On Trial, This One From Yahoo!
Hey, remember Osama bin Laden? You know, tall guy, attacked the World Trade Center, we were supposed to have captured him? Yeah, well, we didn't catch him still, but we did
catch this idiot from Wilkes-Barre who's currently on trial.
Writing on the Osama Bin Laden Crew Yahoo message board, Reynolds - who was living in Thailand at the time - said: "America has overstepped its bounds in Iraq. . . . There is a plan if you only truly seek to commit to it. . . . Let's talk." He later wrote, "It would be a pity to lose this idea." Assistant U.S. Attorney John C. Gurganus displayed this and other e-mails on courtroom computer screens.
Ahh, yes, the OBL Crew guy. Once again, all the terrorists we catch are idiots who ask for their al-Qaeda boots and uniforms or attempt to attack the most unguarded of all sites, an army base. Anyway, we're going to lock this guy up for like 800 years and we will be safe from Yahoo! messageboards and their terrorist cells.
Web sleuth testifies in terror trial in Scranton [Inquirer]
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July 09, 2007
Drug Czar Has Clearly Never Smoked Up
This is from a while ago, but although
I made fun of him in the paper I don't think I did anything here, which means: Fair game! Easy opportunity to make the same jokes again!
Ladies and gentlemen, Office of National Drug Control Policy Chairman -- i.e. the drug czar -- John Walters:
"Marijuana usage is a blind spot in our communities," Walters said. "It is the catalyst that makes violence worse. We need to abandon this notion and work to fight these substances."
Hey, Mr. Walters. You ever hear of crack?
Walters Points Blame At Parents [The Bulletin]
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July 03, 2007
Idiot Hates Gays, Writes Column About It
There's a short opinion piece in the current edition of the
Northeast Times about the ongoing saga of the Boy Scouts and that building the city is probably going to kick them out of. The national Boy Scouts organization prohibits gays from joining their little club. This is the group's right, of course, but the city also has the right to stop giving them free prime real estate on the Parkway since they won't let Bruce and Lance into the club.
The opinion piece is by Robert Knight. He's the director of the Culture and Media Institute, which is a conservative group that writes about how the evil liberals in Hollywood and the media are going to make sure this country is overrun by gays and Muslims (who are great friends, you know!) and Mexicans and whoever else isn't Christian.
Now, Knight is attempting to convince you the Scouts should stay in the building. The column contains all the normal lies -- all homosexuals are pedophiles, not many priests molested kids actually, homosexuals shouldn't be role models, etc. -- and preaching to the choir, but the intro is like a bad joke I'd reject:
Philadelphia has big city problems. The murder rate is on the rise, and gangs make some areas unsafe even in the daytime. It’s no secret that fatherless, undisciplined boys are the main reason the streets are deadly.
So what is the city doing about it? Let’s imagine for a moment that we’re in a Philadelphia City Council discussion.
"How about a crackdown on gangs? Or a crackdown on drug dealers?"
"Nah. Those people shoot back. I’ve got it! Let’s persecute the Boy Scouts! They won’t give the police any trouble."
"Yeah, this will be a great way to pay back those gay groups for donating to our campaigns. The media will love us, too. Watch how they’ll frame this: ‘Enlightened Officials Reign in Hateful, Bigoted Boy Scouts!’ Good for us! Now, let’s take a Starbucks break!"
Ha ha! What a knee-slapper!
"Now, Daniel," you might be saying here. "This sort of sounds like some sort of post you would make when you're really stretching to find a joke." Agreed! The only problem is, I am trying to make you laugh (and probably failing, if I did it this way); if you don't laugh, it has very little consequence for me except maybe a thread or two on Phillyblog where they write mean things about me and oh no whatever will I do!
"Now, Daniel," you might be saying here. "Isn't it a little odd that the Boy Scouts want to ban gays. Aren't the Boy Scouts pretty much the gayest group imaginable already?" Hey, I make the jokes here!
City of Brotherly Love hates the Boy Scouts [Northeast Times]
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June 27, 2007
How Many Philadelphians Does It Take To Use A Parking Meter?
At Headhouse Square recently, the Philadelphia Parking Authority did pretty much the first good thing it's ever done
1, replacing those normal meters that need quarters that you don't have with a bunch of those fancy new meters that take bills, credit cards
and change you don't have.
The machines aren't right in front of spaces, but there are six of them for the 44 spaces at 2nd and South. The PPA likes the new machines because it will be alerted when there are problems (with Wi-Fi??) and it frees up sidewalk space for, you know, walkin'.
We Philadelphians hate the machines because we're too fucking stupid to use them. The Inquirer's Katie Stuhldreher in my favorite story of the day:
"I've lived around here a long time and I just want to know what the heck is going on. What was wrong with the old meters?" said Hilda Schoenwetter, a retired teacher who parks frequently at Head House Square. [...]
Ed Gray, a driver looking for a space, said he didn't like having to walk over to the meter in the middle of the block instead of having one right at his parking space.
Maryann Dolan, seeking a space so she could bring her dog in for a doctor's appointment, looked at one new meter and said: "I don't know what I'm doing here. I think it's just ridiculous."
Yeah, those meters sure are hard. So hard that 95 percent of Portland's meters use the technology and the city has descended into a pit of lawlessness. The real problem mentioned in the article, where a machine wouldn't take a woman's credit card, forced the woman to go into Wawa to get change... which is what she had to do with the old meters.
(Oh, yea, the other problem is you now are pretty much guaranteed a ticket if you run over your time limit, since it's so much easier for the meter maids to write 'em. So, yeah, that sucks.)
Anyway, that's not to say the PPA did everything right here.
In order to ease some of the initial confusion about the machines, the Parking Authority assigned "meter greeters" for the first week of operation to explain how the new meters work. But now Philadelphians are on their own.
I think it might be time to just blow up the entire city and start over.
1 I don't really know what I'm basing this on, but as a rule, pretty much every government organization does only one or two good things every 50 years, if ever.
New parking meters on Head House Square confuse many [Inquirer]
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May 08, 2007
Feds Bust Idiotic Terrorist Plot
As you may have heard already, the FBI arrested six locals last night for
allegedly planning an attack on Fort Dix. Hey, at least they weren't planning on attacking unarmed people!
"If you want to do anything here, there is Fort Dix and I don't want to exaggerate, and I assure that you can hit an American base very easily," one of the men told an FBI informant, according to the FBI. "You take a map and draw it and then you calculate that there are areas where there are 100 to 200 invididuals . . .
Ahh, yes, the six terrorists were planning a full-frontal assault on a fort. Forts are known for their ease of access and lack of security, of course, so this plan to attack the army really had a good chance of working.
Four of the alleged Islamic terrorists lived in Cherry Hill, another from Williamstown and one -- Serdar Tatar -- from Philadelphia. The six wannabe terrorists were going to attack the base due to a recent bad night at Top Dog.
Not that they'd be able to, ah, be able to kill many soldiers with rocket-propelled grenades:
A successful attack on Fort Dix is highly unlikely. Armed soldiers guard every gate, whose approaches have curbs or barriers that force traffic to slowly snake as they get near.
The soldiers perform "a 100 percent identification check" and do random vehicle searches, Nesbit said.
Each gate also has additional security measures that are far from obvious. "We do not publicize this," she said.
Perhaps these men thought forts were made of Lincoln Logs (which is what Fort Pitt was constructed with).
Murder assault on Fort Dix ‘very easy’ says plotter [Inquirer]
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December 21, 2006
Attacked Eagles Fan Somehow At Fault
Earlier today, I noted the
New York Post story about the
stockbroker son of the ex-owner beating up another broker who was an Eagles fan. The Eagles fan, Bob Tomasulo, mocked Stephen Mara two days after the game, and Mara responded by choking him.
That was in yesterday's paper. In today's paper, the Post gets three reporters on a followup story and divulges these details:
"He's a great guy," [Ex-Giant tight end Mark] Bavaro added. "I find it hard to believe he did that . . . [The Eagle fan] should have kept his gestures to himself. I'm proud of him. He's a good Giant."
[Ex-Giant wideout Phil] McConkey added: "I'm going to give Steve Mara the benefit of the doubt every time. I've known Steve for over 20 years. He's the most gregarious, fun-loving, happy, positive person I know. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. There are a lot of jealous, insecure people out there."
"It happens. We're human beings," said another broker who knows the two men. "We [get people angry] sometimes. Steve is very even-tempered. Steve was chuckling about it afterwards. It's the other guy who took it to the next step [by complaining]."
Stephen Mara could not be reached for comment yesterday - though he was spotted heading into the exchange and being greeted as a hero by security guards, who asked to pose for a picture with him.
God, could you imagine if this happened in Philly? (I'm not quite sure how it would play out. Jeffrey Lurie's kid would have to attack a Giants fan, I guess.) It'd be front-page news and Philly would be denounced on all fronts for having such vicious fans. In NYC it's just another story. (Hmm. Maybe they're on to something here.)
Anyway, it seems that the good guy in all of this -- the Eagles fan! -- is somehow getting crap for being attacked. So let me say this: Bob Tomasulo, you're my hero. Keep on fighting the good fight and mocking the late owner's son any way you can. It'll be even funnier when the Giants lose this weekend.
Giant Among Men [NY Post]
Earlier today: Giants Fans Sore Losers, To Boot
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November 01, 2006
John Kerry: Possibly Correct, Still An Idiot
Hey, remember John Kerry? Big guy, got Botox, lost to Bushie in the election? Yeah, that guy. Well, he was supposed to come speak at a rally for Bob Casey, and now he's canceling all of his appearances because
he said soldiers are dumb. Or that poor people fight wars. Or something.
Here's what the furor is over:
The furor was triggered over Kerry's comment to a group of California students on Monday, that people unable to succeed in America's educational system would likely "get stuck in Iraq."
Kerry says it was a botched joke, the people in the White House say Kerry is worse than Satan and the soldiers in Iraq continue to not know about this brouhaha because they're actually fighting and dying while politicians fight over what some other politician said while the troops are like, "Uhh, hello, we could use some helmets or something? Guys? Hello?"
Anyway uh, don't we send poor people to fight wars? Don't poor people tend to be less educated? Who's the last soldier to come out of Yale, John Kerry? (Okay, okay.) Anyway, if you do good in school, aren't you less likely to join the military because you can't get a job somewhere else? You still might join the military -- and I think the military is, on the whole, more educated than a random sampling of the public, which makes sense -- but not in a Hobson's choice situation. And so you'd, indeed, "be stuck in Iraq" because you didn't succeed in school?
I don't know. Perhaps that's what John Kerry was really trying to say, or perhaps he really thinks troops are dumb. Perhaps he eats babies at night. But it's a big news story! Because bloggers are talking about it! And so we fight over whether he thinks troops are dumb and see who can moralize the best and act all holier than thou on their keyboards. Oh, please, we are so close to the election, thank you so much.
Kerry Cancels Philly Visit Amidst Controversy [CBS 3]
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October 27, 2006
101 QB Rating Not Enough For Some People
Remember last year, when Jerry Mondesire wrote
that stupid thing about how Donovan McNabb hated black people because he didn't run enough?
No? Oh, well let me remind you: It was the stupidest, most pointless thing ever written in the history of the English language. Jerry Mondesire's essay about McNabb made Christine Flowers look like George Eliot. It made the Philadelphia blogosphere look like The Collected Works Of English Literature, Vol. II, only with more slightly liberalism. Hell, it made Godfather III look like Godfather II.
Well, according to Gar Joseph, he's baaaaaaaack! Yes, that's right, Mondesire wants to bash McNabb again, despite his status as possibly the NFL MVP after seven weeks.
But, coming off last weekend's loss to Tampa Bay, McNabb is again in Mondesire's sights.
"He can't even keep his lunch down in a tight game," Mondesire said earlier this week, adding he'll write about McNabb again soon.
Boy! I can't wait! To ignore this piece of trash column just like last time! Won't youse join me?
McNabb: Another sack? [Daily News, 3rd item]
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October 19, 2006
Weldon Accuses 95 Percent Of America For FBI Raid
Monday's
FBI raid of Congressman Curt Weldon's daughter and friend's houses and offices was met with the usual list of suspects:
Democrats, the Liberal Media, etc.
But yesterday Weldon came up with another one: A former FBI agent said someone in opponent Joe Sestak's campaign knew the raid was going to happen! Because political neophytes usually have inside info with the Bush Justice Department. But that's not all. KYW 1060 recaps who Weldon has accused so far:
In an interview with the Daily Pennsylvanian this week, Weldon accused former President Bill Clinton, the left wing group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, former CIA official Mary McCarthy and others of involvement in sparking the FBI probe.
Actually missed that one on the DP interview, but, yep, that's the old Bill Clinton chestnut. Geeze. All he needs to do is all liberal gays and communists and he'll pretty much have blamed everyone in the whole entire world. For the Bush Justice Department's investigation of his daughter and his friend.
Let's just put this really clear: Curt Weldon is a blithering idiot. If you vote for him, so are you.
Weldon Says He Knows Who is Behind FBI Investigation [KYW 1060]
Archives: Curt Weldon
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October 12, 2006
Words On Calendar Continue To Upset Morons, Bigots
Yesterday was the meeting of the School Reform Commission. It's usually a banal affair -- I mean, I guess -- where bureacrats sit around and discuss things. (Again, I guess.) But yesterday was absolutely amazing, depressing and hilarious all in one shot.
You see, the school district released calendars this year that identified October as Gay & Lesbian History Month. Oh no! The horror!
Of course, not everyone was saying, "Oh no! The horror!" in a sarcastic way. Many parents were upset. One monther threatened to pull her child out of school for this month, lest she learn tolerance. (Nevermind that the school had no plans for Gay History Month -- no gay sex orgies, no Celine Dion concerts -- and that it was just a sentence on a calendar.) Last night at the SRC meeting, noted bigots and assholes came out of the woodwork:
"I am requesting that you rescind this gay and lesbian pride month. Issue new calendars for October and call this month anti-violence month, reading month," said Ann Martin, a grandparent and ex- school district employee.
"Shame on you. Shame on you," she said, shouting at the school officials. "It's never too late to right a wrong. What were you thinking?"
Robert Gray, of the African American Freedom and Reconstruction League, stood as his wife read his statement: "The children aren't taught to read, write and master life-survival skills. However, our children are being taught gender preference. This is totally unacceptable."
Geeze. I know the Philly schools aren't the best in the world, but I'm pretty sure they're taught how to read.
The Inquirer, however, has the best quote of all:
"Fornication pride month? Pedophile pride month?" quipped Rashad Faheem Shabazz.
For... fornication pride month? Uhh, YES! That's it! Next month is Fornication Pride Month, and we'll be celebrating it all month here on Philadelphia Will Do. I, honestly, cannot wait. We'll honor famous fornicators! (Statesman Ben Franklin, porn actress Jenna Jameson, etc.) We'll offer sex tips! We'll make fun of Rashad Faheem Shabazz!
November can't come soon enough.
Despite furor, schools back gay history month [Inquirer]
Both sides bare feelings over gay history mention [Daily News]
Sept. 28: Also: Children Of Felons To Be Pulled Out Of School During Non-Violence Month
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October 05, 2006
Hilarious Idiots To Get Hour On Radio
The above is, of course, the press release the Westboro Baptist "Church" put out to announce their protest of the Amish schoolchildren's funerals. They blamed Gov. Rendell, of course, because... well, who knows. But they blamed Rendell, and were planning on protesting the funerals.
Yesterday, however, conservative Pennsylvania radio host Mike Gallagher bartered with them and got them to cancel the protest (.pdf).
What is he giving them in exchange? Oh, that's right, an hour of free airtime on his show, starting today at 10 a.m. (The show airs at the oh-so-popular time of 12 a.m. - 2 a.m. on 990 AM in Philadelphia.) I've only seen noted idiot Fred Phelps interviewed once -- Michael Smerconish had him on TV when he was filling in, of course -- and he said something like, "This country has gone the way of the Brokeback Mountain!"
So you know it's going to be hilarious. We should all thank Mike Gallagher, not just for his nice gesture (and, hey, free publicity, too) but also for his commitment to hilarity on the radio.
Yesterday: Idiot To Protest Repeated Amish Viewings Of 'Queer Eye'
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October 04, 2006
Idiot To Protest Repeated Amish Viewings Of 'Queer Eye'
Oh, the Amish school shooting saga continues: Guess who's coming to the funerals of the five girls murdered on Monday?
That's right, Mr. "God Hates Fags" himself, the "Reverend" Fred Phelps!
Phelps, as you may know, believes that things like Sept. 11 and soldiers dying are a reaction to America's "tolerance" of homosexuality, which he believes is a sin worse than murder, rape or protesting outside of innocent peoples' funerals, because he read it in Levitticus or something.
The wacky rev has been protesting outside soldiers' funerals for a few years now, spreading his message of how to survive in America without really having a job or any purpose at all. (And hate.) And what better place to make his next stop than Amish Country, Pennsylvania. Because, really, if God were to take his vengeance out on someone for America's love of Brokeback Mountain, it's the God-fearing, pious Amish, who totally are responsible for Clay Aiken CDs being so hot right now.
Fear not! Fast Eddie himself has announced that he's ready to enforce a new, possibly unconstitutional (but hopefully not) Pennsylvania law that requires demonstrators to be at least 500 feet from a funeral. It's Eddie Rendell versus Freddie Phelps, winner take on, this Thursday and Friday in Bart Township, Pennsylvania!
Kansas Group May Protest at Funerals, Despite Pa. Law [KYW 1060]
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March 28, 2006
Better Dead Than Rojo
There was an article yesterday in the
Inquirer about a local man, John Ryan, who
runs a local chapter of the Minutemen. The Minutemen, if you didn't hear about them from your local friendly right-wing radio nut, are a loosely-affiliated group of gun-toting civilians who police the U.S.-Mexican border in search of illegal immigrants. I'm not quite sure who, exactly, the Pennsylvania chapter is keeping out -- maybe those fishy Canadians swimming over into Erie? -- but Ryan is heading down to the U.S.-Mexican border soon to do some policin'.
While the U.S. Border Patrol abhors their presence, and some members of the group are racists, for the most part the group -- and Ryan and his Pennsylvania chapter, which isn't affiliated with the main Arizona Minutement -- is just shedding light on the problem with America's open border, and if we can engage them in discussion, perhaps we can come to some sort of solution that can benefit us all.
Ha ha! Just kidding! John Ryan thinks that immigrants sneaking into the U.S. are here in search of reclaiming the Southwestern U.S. territories won from Mexico in the 19th century, as opposed to coming to the States to actually earn some money or start a family or be terrorists, or any actual reasons people come to the U.S. illegally. Reclaiming the Southwest United States for Mexico sounds about as far-fetched as thinking The Note and the Washington Post are in some sort of conservative conspiracy to fool the public into thinking the media is liberal.
But I digress. Ryan, though, is nowhere near the person with the zaniest ideas in Inky article. That would go to Kathleen Appell, who supports the Minutemen cause.
Kathleen Appell, 62, a Minuteman donor, recounted seeing men advertising a Mexican restaurant while en route to a July 4 barbecue in Southampton.
"There are these Mexicans with sombreros, dressed in Mexican outfits," she said. "It was an American holiday. I felt like I was in another country. How did this neighborhood change so fast ... that there even is a Mexican restaurant?"
Oh no! Mexican restaurants! Sombreros! Pretty soon it'll be the United States of Mexico! Whatever shall we do? Better fence the border! Keep your sombreros and your tacos offa my flag!
Border worries reach from Mexico to Phila. [Inky]
Sept. 19, 2005: Blogicized: Blogs are the new blogs
Photo by General Wesc
Posted by D-Mac at 04:35 PM
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January 06, 2006
Stop it. Seriously.
I don't really spend too much time trying to do that much serious media criticism on this site, especially of the national media, but give me a minute here.
By now you've probably heard that Ariel Sharon is in the hospital with a serious stroke, and chances are he won't make it. That means Israel is going to need a new Prime Minister, etc., etc. I don't really want to get into this at all.
But, this morning, on the front page of CNN.com, there's a story headlined Robertson suggests God smote Sharon. It was all over CNN television yesterday, too. Televangelist Pat Robertson said yesterday on The 700 Club that Sharon "was dividing God's land, and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations or United States of America." There's a clip of it here.
Okay, here's the deal: What the fuck does this moron have to say to stop getting major national attention? Does he have to eat a puppy on live television to stop being quoted seriously by major journalists? I would call him a retard but that would seriously be offensive to all people with a mental handicap. I know that it's good to have all sides to a story, but this isn't a side of any fucking story. You might as well ask The Recorder Lady what she thinks about Ariel Sharon's health. You'd probably get a more coherent answer.
Okay, so he has his own television show and a lot of people listen to him. A lot of people, and I'd wager to say a lot more people, believe in guardian angels -- nothing wrong with that -- but you don't see stories that say "Man in car wreck saved by his guardian angel." What's going to happen if you ignore him? Rush Limbaugh will go on his radio show and say "Ladiesandgentlemen, the liberal media is ignoring Pat Robertson again, after he said that anyone who votes against Sam Alito is a demon in disguise!"
Oh no, how will the media ever handle such criticism! If I ever get to a position of power in the media aside from this little box here on this webpage, here is what I will do: Idiots like Robertson will never, ever, ever get to comment on anything I'm in charge of (unless they're being lambasted in a blog post, that is). If that means I'm biased, so be it. I'd rather tell an accurate story than interject non-players like Robertson into it who believe they know who God is and isn't smoting.
Alright, that's enough. Only puppies and headline jokes for the rest of the day, I swear. Or until God smites me for making fun of his oh-so-humble servant Pat Roberton.
Robertson suggests God smote Sharon [CNN.com]
Posted by D-Mac at 09:52 AM
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