July 21, 2008

Man Arrested For Stealing Horse Statue

A horse statue at the former Garden State Park racetrack in New Jersey went missing last week. Police have now arrested one man and are looking for three others; nobody is sure how, exactly, four dudes were able to steal a one-ton horse.

The Courier-Post reports "[p]art of the horse was recovered in Pennsauken," but most of the bronze statue was sold for scrap in Camden. (And turned into glue, etc., etc.) The man arrested had four outstanding warrants in four different New Jersey communities. Highly impressive, but nowhere near a record. The theft of the statue, though, totally deserves a round of applause just for the difficulty factor.

Man held in horse statue theft [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)

May 12, 2008

Smerconish Just Messing With Us Now

I was grilling while we simultaneously played a game of family soccer. Four hand-molded ground sirloin patties simmered on the flame alongside four all-beef hot dogs. The smell of dinner wafted through the neighborhood as we staged a match between "Man U" and "Chelsea."

That's from the fourth paragraph of Michael Smerconish's Sunday Inquirer column yesterday. Get it? Ha ha, he puts the things in quotes to show that soccer is stupid! Or he's unfamiliar with it! Not a terrible writing tactic, but not one I'd like to go into my archives to see how often I've fallen back on it. But it's kind of silly to put quotes around Manchester United and Chelsea, which is sort of like writing, "I was at this so-called sporting event, 'The Olympics.'"

The column is actually about the exploitation of racehorses leading to Eight Belles' death. But he's also eating hamburgers at the same time, so maybe he's making a point! OMG is Michael Smerconish going to become a vegetarian? Is he going to grill up murder suspects and eat them? Is it really funny that his dog is named Checkers?

The first two I'm not sure. But the third one is a definite yes.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:59 AM | Comments (8)

May 06, 2008

This Is Synergy

Six racehorses from a Burlington County farm have tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug under the state's newly expanded drug-testing rules, the state attorney general's office announced today.

The horses were from Winner's International Farm in Chesterfield, Burlington County. They tested positive for erythropoietin, which can enhance a horse's oxygen consumption during races, but can also lead to heart attack or stroke during intense exercise.

Horses, drugs... really, this has it all. I like how the side-effects of the drugs are listed. Oh, no, you might hurt the horsies while you race them around and around and possibly to their deaths!

6 racehorses fail drug tests at Burlington Co. farm [Philly.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:27 PM | Comments (2)

March 05, 2008

Strawberry Mansion Stable Shuttered

Here is one of your few chances to see horses in the middle of a city street, at least besides ones pulling tourists being told Ben Franklin sired 80 illegitimate Swedish children. The city today busted up an illegal horse stable in Strawberry Mansion.

Apparently the stables were unsanitary and hazardous, and so 46 horses were removed. The city will actually raze the stables on Friday. Philly SPCA head Lisa Rodgers told clued us in on why there were actually horses in Strawberry Mansion.

(Kuznits:) "What are people doing with the horses in the city?"

(Rodgers:) "Well, they've got this urban cowboy type situation. They're in such close proximity to the park that they take the horses out and they ride through the park. They claim that the children in the neighborhood take care of the horses and it's a way to keep them out of trouble. And some of that may well be true, but unfortunately, our concern is that the horses are in unsanitary conditions."

Perhaps the urban cowboys can rustle up a posse and take down the varmints in this city.

City Shuts Down Illegal Horse Stables in Strawberry Mansion [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:07 PM | Comments (3)

January 15, 2008

Barbaro Museum Defeated After All

The news of the day: Local hero Barbaro, a horse who showed the world he could inspire Internet anger long after he finished everything on his bucket list, will no longer have a museum built in his honor.

His co-owner Gretchen Jackson says she is close to figuring out where Barbaro's ashes will be buried. (She did not announce anything about a horse her and her husband Roy bred, George Washington, who was sent to stud before it was determined it couldn't sire. The horse raced again and was destroyed after he broke down in the Breeders Cup.)

The museum idea is on ice right now, but there is going to be a big ol' statue of Barbaro people will probably end up caring a lot about. If it's life-size, could people get to pretend to ride Barbaro? Oh, man, that would be awesome! Barbaro is so much better in statue form.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:49 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

January 11, 2008

Horses Are Doomed Either Way

So a bunch of horse lovers got together and decided to try to get horses to not be slaughtered. They succeeded and slaughterhouses were closed in Texas and Illinois. The horses are now slaughtered in Canada or Mexico in far worse conditions, and the horsey people don't know what to do. To be fair, horsemeat is disgusting and no one should be eating it. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to have a Barbaro burger?

Meanwhile, I got an obviously fake Barbaro letter the other day and I'm posting it after the jump.

Continue reading "Horses Are Doomed Either Way"

Posted by D-Mac at 02:40 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)

December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas From Philadelphia Will Do

May your Christmas Day be as joyous as the day you heard the news this stupid horse was finally dead and you'd never have to hear about him again. That's how it went, right?

Posted by D-Mac at 12:00 PM | Comments (32) | TrackBack (0)

November 30, 2007

Vick, B*rbaro Stories Converge In (Where Else?) China

Today in the Courier Times, diminutive 76ers guard Lou Williams says he supports Michael Vick, who will be sentenced next month for his guilty plea in a dogfighting case. You know, he's not into dogfighting, but Vick attended his high school games when Vick was on the Falcons and Williams was a high schooler in the ATL, so he hopes he can get his life back on track once he's out of jail. (Horse people, of course, want him executed.)

Anyway, ever since the Michael Vick dogfighting story broke, I've been using a joke about how the sport (uh, whatever) I really want to see is horsefighting. It combines the brutality of horse racing and dogfighting with the gambleability of, well, horse racing and dogfighting.

Turns out, like most cool things in this country, horsefighting is made in China. Yes, Britain's Telegraph. According to the paper, the sport has been celebrated for over five hundred years in China and is even on some tourists' itineraries!

Continue reading "Vick, B*rbaro Stories Converge In (Where Else?) China"

Posted by D-Mac at 01:57 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)

November 16, 2007

I Didn't Even Make A Glue Factory Joke

Honestly, I don't think all of these are real -- though people have contacted my bosses with pretty much equal sentiments -- but this is my favorite:

You should walk a mile in the horses hoofs and see if you like it.

I'll be at the dog show for some of the day. Now there's an animal I can call advertisers about if someone jokes about dogfighting or something.

Another advantage of being a human over a horse: I don't have to nail my shoes to my feet.

Wednesday: Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Posted by D-Mac at 09:05 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

November 15, 2007

Barbaro Continues To Inspire D-Mac Hatred

Looks like Mark B. Cohen isn't the only person who calls my boss to complain about jokes I make. But Cohen, to his credit, understands what I do here.

A fella by the name of Dennis left a message for my boss in response to this throwaway post about dead horses I did yesterday. He actually has more in common with Ron Paul's fans than he does with Rep. Cohen.

I happened to stumble upon Philadelphia Weekly, and I found something written by a gentleman by the name of Daniel McQuade... This gentleman, and I use that term loosely, because I highly doubt he's a man, says: [here he quotes me]

So I'm curious as to why Philadelphia Weekly is promoting cruelty to animals. And I'm gonna go down and contact every company that's advertising on your site and ask them the same question as to why they're advertising with a company that promotes cruelty to animals.

If I could get some answers, that would be great. I don't understand if this guy's just an idiot, if he's a drug addict, maybe he's never gotten laid in his life, I don't know. But whoever things that harming animals is something that deserves to be rewarded is mind-bloggling to me. it reflects very poorly on your company institution. I assume you want to be a real newspaper or publishing company, but man oh man, that doesn't look good.

Have fun dealing with this guy, uwishunu!

Update: Barbaro fans have entered the fray!

Posted by D-Mac at 01:08 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)

November 14, 2007

Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Investigators got a tip about unsanitary conditions for horses in a North Philly stable. And it turns out well, the tip was dead on:

Officials from the SPCA said they received and anonymous call reporting the nearly block of stables housing dozens of horses, were rundown. The SPCA along with the Department of License's and Inspections responded to the scene and found mountains of manure, malnourished horses and a partially buried carcass.

The article said charges are pending as they investigate, but I can only assume that has to be a typo. These are horses, people! Whoever leaves them in conditions like that ought to get a parade down Broad Street. Hell, let me be the marshall, I can ride Zombie Barbaro all the way to the Navy Yard!

Update: I get phone calls about my shitty joke, too!

SPCA: Malnourished Horses Found In Philadelphia [CBS 3]

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March 29, 2007

City Councilwoman's Deep, Dark Secret

I'm still kind of confused by Stu Bykofsky's Daily News column this morning. His column revealed that Councilwoman Donna Reed Miller has a horse in her backyard.

This wouldn't be all that weird if she lived at, say, a horse track. But, no, Miller lives in Germantown. And has a horse. In her backyard.

Amazingly enough, city law doesn't forbid horses, mainly for the reason that, ah, almost nobody owns a personal horse in this city. You can't have farm animals -- "any chicken, goose, duck, turkey, goat, sheep, pig, cow" (cow? —ed.) -- but horses aren't considered farm animals.

It's actually Miller's husband's horse, but she declined to let Byko talk to him. But, of course, this isn't the only time Byko has dealt with Miller.

Miller reminded me that I had called about a pony in her back yard 10 years ago. I had completely forgotten that.

The Shetland pony named Shera was a pet for her daughter Shakira, I reported at the time. The loyal pony was getting old and probably was going to be sent to the slaughterhouse.

So not only does she own a horse now, but the last one she owned she probably had sent to the slaughterhouse.

Stu Bykofsky | Hoofing it to G'town to nag a pol (again) [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:20 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

July 12, 2006

In Which The Author Sort Of Feels Guilty For Mocking A Possibly Soon-To-Be Dead Horse

Well. Just when we thought he was going to be okay and it was alright to make fun of him -- oh, whatever, we were making fun of him immediately after his injury -- it seems that Barbaro has taken a turn for the worst.

Dick Jerardi reports that Barbaro is now in "guarded" condition. The colt has been having complications stemming from his May 21 surgery for about a week now.

Gretchen Jackson, Barbaro's owner, has said the doctors are not near a stage where they would consider putting the horse to sleep.

Barbaro got a bunch of emails, so we're guessing he can read blogs, too, and if he's really in the know, he probably checks out this site once or twice a day. So we'll say this: Get well soon, Big B. After all, we only poke fun because we love. Neigh!

Breaking: Barbaro’s condition now 'guarded'
May 20: Is Barbaro The Worst? Boy, I Guess!
Related: Hoagie Dip: Color Me Barbaro
Archives: Barbaro

Posted by D-Mac at 01:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

March 03, 2006

Craigslist even kinkier than originally thought

From the "Missed Connections" section of Craigslist, which has posts like "I saw you at your laptop today at Last Drop. You were blogging for PW. Email me." Okay, it never has anything like that, but things like that. And a headline today:

No, but I know a few llamas in the area.

Anyone Know of a Horse Named Coco from Walnutport, PA? [Craigslist]
Earlier today: This city is a zoo

Posted by D-Mac at 01:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)