Things Are Tough All Over

There is one good thing about having the summer end when you’re 25: I don’t have to go back to school! Ha ha, you stupid kids get the summers off, but at least we adults (or, in my case, “adult”) don’t have to spend all our time learning! Plus, now that all the kids are heading back to class, the Gallery will be less crowded. Ha ha, just kidding.

Anyway, one of the schools heading back this week is Lower Merion High School, a rich public school out in the ‘burbs with such famous graduates as Kobe Bean Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers and Dan Bean Gross of the Daily News. While the kids at LMHS probably already make more money and you and me do put together, at least we had parking when we were in high school. (Or at least I did.) Thanks to the construction of a new school building, there is no student parking at the school. Hey, it’s not like kids need to drive to school or anything. Erhm.

The school says it prefers its students get dropped off or walk to school, because… oh, man, I was all set to make fun of the LMHS kids when I started this story and instead it appears the administration is completely, 100 percent stupid here. The school actually even posted a video about the new traffic patterns at the school, to make themselves look even sillier.

Anyway, it’s not all bad news: The kids at LMHS will now get $30 parking tickets every day, KYW 1060 reports. Things like these make me feel better about not being in high school anymore, even though I’d probably be going on a hunger strike to protest were I a senior at that school right now.

For Returning Lower Merion HS Students It’s, Like Totally, a Parking Crisis [KYW 1060]

Local HS Hoops Star Still On Pace To Be Rich

Top-ranked high school basketball player Tyreke Evans got into a bit of a pickle the other day and ended up driving away from the scene of a shooting.

Jamar “Mar Mar” Evans, Tyreke’s cousin, is charged with first- and third-degree murder. The shooting apparently stemmed from this: “Palmer said he thinks Tyreke Evans was caught in a gang war between the Toby Farm Bullz and the Maddi Block.” Oh, but of course. Although he was at the scene of the shooting, it’s okay, college still want him to play for ‘em. (He also apparently didn’t do anything?)

The case will not hurt his chances of possibly winding up at Villanova, according to Reggie. Wildcats coach Jay Wright attended an American Christian home game on Dec. 13.

“We love Jay Wright,” Reggie said. “Jay and his staff have been to most if not all of Tyreke’s games, even after this thing occurred. I give coach Wright credit, because he knows Tyreke and this family. We’re not ruling out Villanova, and we hope Villanova doesn’t rule us out. But my biggest concern is that Tyreke doesn’t get painted in a bad light, which has already happened in some people’s eyes. That’s messed up. It’s what has me and my whole family angry right now.”

Aw, everybody loves Jay Wright — he’s such a snappy dresser.

Leftovers: Pumpkin Inflation Cripples Pa.

• Due to the weather this year, pumpkin prices are going through the roof! They will maybe cost an “extra dollar” each and won’t be as nice! Damn you, weather! You owe me a dollar! [Philadelphia Weather]

• So buy your pumpkins early. And, according to the head cashier at a shop that sells Halloween garb, buy your Halloween costume early, too! [KYW 1060]

• The Philadelphia Zoo is closing its elephant exhibit, proving that one woman (and a small group of followers) can make a difference, provided the issue is “elephants in zoos.” [Inquirer]

• Radnor High was closed today because of this message written on a bathroom wall: “You are the reason that people like me bring guns to school.” Tomorrow, expect the school’s walls to be covered in threats in the hope of, like, an entire week off! [KYW 1060]

Philadelphia: America’s Next Great Chlamydia And Gonorrhea Rate-Reducing City

While the random magazine articles praising Philadelphia have fortunately died down, the city isn’t all murder and fourth quarter chokes right now.

It appears that other cities are taking the Dept. of Health’s lead on (wait for it) reducing teen rates of chlamydia and gonorrhea. An article in the New York Post explains that NYC is now basing an STD-testing program on Philly’s successful program. And we were the first to test the kiddies for STDs. What are the stats?

Chlamydia/gonorrhea infections among girls dropped to 6 percent last year from 8 percent in 2003. And among high-school boys, the rate was at 4 percent last year after being 5 percent in 2003. In all, the infection rate fell 24 percent among high-schoolers over three years.

All we need is a “T-E-S-T-I-N-G STD TESTING!” chant and we’re set.

Success in Philly could spread here [NY Post via Gawker]
Editor’s Note: By the way, the image is from an Australian health department webpage.

The Dark Side Of Work Porn

NBC 10 reports today on the tale of a high school assistant principal fired from his job for getting porn emails at work.

But the school says he was fired because of how he responded to the emails:

Authorities said [David] Wong wrote: “This is good. My eyes, my eyes have forsaken me and that’s good stuff.”

CEP provided e-mails to NBC 10 with e-mails to prove their case.

“Why would you say that’s good stuff?” [Lu Ann] Cahn asked.

“Meaning that the picture that was sent to me was a very attractive woman and it was my first response — that’s good stuff right there, not meaning to keep sending them to me every day,” Wong said.

“But don’t you think when you send, ‘That’s good stuff,’ that was encouraging the sender to send you more?” Cahn asked.

“That was more of me trying to fit in with the culture of that school,” Wong said.

Now, that’s a high school you want to go to: One where porn is treated like a religious experience.

Assistant Principal Dismissed For Getting Soft Porn E-Mail [NBC 10]

‘Inquirer’ Continues High School Blogging Frenzy

Hot on the heels of its blog about the 1994 Rwandan genocide, the Inquirer hooks up with other high school kids to blog about a trip to Singapore.

But, hey, these kids have a robot that shoots basketballs, so they have that going for them.

Field Trip: Singapore [Inky]
June 27: ‘Inquirer’ Puts ‘Evening Bulletin’ Demo In Its Sights

Prepping To Cheat

Today’s Inquirer has an article about the problems at St. Joe’s Prep in the past school year, which include several resignations or teachers and administrative officials, a cheating scandal and 100 percent of graduating seniors going to college.

High school students, cheating! Administration members, not getting along! Well, I never!

The cheating scandal, though, might’ve just proven that the students were not smart enough to avoid detection, or cheat on something that deserves to be cheated on:

In January, the school - whose education mission includes nurturing students’ spiritual and moral development - was shaken by a cheating scandal involving a religion mid-term test.

Uhm, hello. It’s a religion exam in Catholic high school. Your answers are pretty much “Jesus” and “Virgin Mary” and “That’s a sin” — and, since it’s a Jesuit school, “education” — and you’ll get at least an 85. Man. Cheat on an AP test or in math or physics or something, at least.

A difficult year for ‘the Prep’ [Inquirer]

Leftovers: Philly Learns Good

• A new way to get kids in underachieving Philadelphia high schools to pass? Send them to a work-free Saturday school! Money line: “At University City’s graduation, about 355 students were listed in the program as graduates - the highest number of graduating seniors in years, according to a teacher who attended. But the program warned that just because a person’s name was listed, it didn’t mean he had graduated.” [Daily News]

• Some advice to coaches who have recently been fired because they were too tough: If there’s an article about the dustup in the Inquirer, do not — I repeat, do NOT — tell the reporter, “My goal has always been to put on a successful program first, and the kids are second, a close second,” regardless of your intentions when you said it, because it makes you look like a jackass. However, you’re way ahead in one area: Posting your side of the story on the Internet. If only it was on a blog… [Inquirer]

• The city’s leaders met today to discuss ways to end violence. Of course, it was closed-door, which means… well, hey, maybe they are actually committed to ending gun violence! [Inquirer]

• Dick Polman wrote a very nice piece late last week on his blog about the failure of the Bush Administration. Blah blah blah, we already know this, sure, but it’s required reading if you’re one of those people who haven’t regretted your 2000/2004 Bush votes just yet. [Dick Polman's American Debate]

• Money line from Moe Tkacik’s NYT piece about interns yesterday, from an American Apparel manager: “[P]eople in their 20’s are living at home or getting their bills paid by their parents and going out and getting wasted like it’s 1995, so hanging out with 15-year-olds is not outside the realm of normal.” You don’t know how hard it was to pick just one quote from this thing. [New York Times]

• The good? Chase Utley, 32-game hitting streak. (Screw you, Ed Delahanty!) The bad? Marlins 15, Phillies 2. [AP/Yahoo!]

• Okay, kids, enjoy the rest of your afternoon. More (and better, I swear) shore stuff tomorrow. Stay cool. Maybe ride the bus around with old people?

Kids Plan To Shoot Up School; Students Shrug

Remember Columbine? That was the high school in Colorado where a bunch of kids shot up the school because they listened to too much Marilyn Manson or watched early screenings of The Matrix over and over and over. Or something. I don’t really remember. I was a junior in high school when it happened, and they’d threaten to give you detention if you were wearing a leather belt, let alone a trenchcoat.

Anyway, three kids at Winslow Township High School in Jersey were arrested for allegedly threatening to pull a Columbine at their high school. They had about 25 students, teachers and other faculty they were planning on attacking, police said. Kids heard rumors and tipped off school officials.

I’m not quite sure how their plan was going to work, since they were allegedly going to start a food fight and then escalate into throwing chairs and then firing shots. Of course, I think the food fight went away in about 5th grade (in, like, 1975) but perhaps in Jersey they still find it fun.

Even though the plot has been foiled, older students at the school pretty much decided that, eh, we’re students, we don’t really care:

Senior Bayyina Black said that everyone at the school was aware of what had happened but that few seemed scared.

“They were saying they were going to shoot up the school,” she said, shrugging and shoving books into her car trunk. [...]

“It’s just a setback,” Black said. “It’s just a waste of our time.”

Some teachers asked how students felt about the alleged plot, but mostly it was class as usual, said Layla Torres, a senior.

“I don’t really care, as long as the cops take care of it,” she said. “I don’t think they were really going to do it, anyway.”

Holy shit! Winslow Township High School kids are tough cookies.

Massacre plot at Winslow alleged [Inky]

Morgan Spurlock Apologizes To Helmet-Wearing Kids The World Over

Earlier today, I posted about Morgan Spurlock’s comments at Hatboro Horsham High School, and how they offended people. He used the word “retarded,” made a reference to kids wearing helmets, bashed McDonald’s and cursed. You guys know the drill.

Spurlock has posted on his blog and has apologized to the community, with some clarifications and etc. Whatever. If he gave that speech at my school, I probably would have loved it, although he probably should have used more tact.

Naturally, judging from the comments to his blog post, people are acting like he’s the first person to ever use the word “retarded” in a self-depricating way before. No, they’re acting like he gunned down a few mentally challenged kids. And then blew up the Liberty Bell. (My favorite is the comment that chastizes him for using pejorative language and then calls him “white trash.”)

Anyway, something in his blog post made me realize why he cursed — he said he dropped two f-bombs — during his speech. Responding to his AP quote that said the “greatest lesson those kids learned today was the importance of free speech,” Spurlock posted the following (emphasis mine):

Lastly, in the article it quoted me as saying that the greatest lesson those kids learned was the importance of freedom of speech. When saying that, I did not mean that you have the right to insult anyone at will (as many people have interpreted it.) I was referring to the fact that the group that hired me to speak asked that I not mention McDonald’s in any of my talk because one of their board members owns a franchise. That would be like asking Neil Armstrong to speak but tell him he can’t bring up walking on the moon, so needless to say, I didn’t agree to their censorship.

Someone actually hired Morgan Spurlock — who is famous for one thing, making a movie about eating McDonald’s for a month — to give a speech and asked him not to mention McDonald’s. Simply fantastic.

A Letter of Explanation [Morgan Spurlock's Blog]
Earlier today: Hatboro Horsham Not Lovin’ It