September 02, 2008

Temple Football Team Has Winning Record

How about that! Local college football laughingstock Temple opened its season with a 35-7 win over Army, the program's first opening game win since 2002. (That was a win over Richmond, who is a I-AA school; the year before Temple opened with a win over Navy. The last time Temple opened the season with a win over a team that wasn't a service academy or a team from a lower division was when the Owls beat Eastern Michigan to open the 1996 season.)

Now that Temple has a winning record for the first time since '02, the school is attempting to do the unthinkable: Attract fans to the games! Temple plays a short subway ride away from campus at Lincoln Financial Field, and clearly the planned pre-game pep rallies will give the Owls the moral support for their first winning season since... oh, let's just say "ever." (It's actually 1990.)

La Salle's traditionally horrible football team, incidentally, remains undefeated this year as well, as the program was dropped.

Update: Here's more about the game from my buddy Tannenwald; Temple was outgained but still won by 28. Be sure to read the surprisingly somewhat angry comments from Temple alums!

Temple football opens with 35-7 win over Army [Daily News]
Owls hope to fill the Linc this year [Temple News]
La Salle University to drop football [GoExplorers.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:07 PM | Comments (1)

June 03, 2008

Terrell Owens Tells Hilarious Jokes

Noted awesome former Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens just signed a brand new contract. He's going to celebrate by helping new teammate Pacman Jones by telling an off-color joke, to get the heat off him:

Terrell Owens has an idea for keeping his new teammate Adam "Pacman" Jones out of trouble.

Owens, who is being recognized this summer as an Alzheimer's Association Champion for his work for the foundation, says Jones — who was suspended from the NFL after a series of arrests, including one stemming from a shootout at a Las Vegas strip club — should join him in his charity work.

"I hope we can get him affected by [Alzheimer's] just a little bit so he can forget about those strip clubs," Owens joked in an interview with ABC News Radio.

Oh, TO. Another one of your hilarious Alzheimer's jokes. That's a good way to get people riled up -- something you like to do, apparently -- and make everyone forget about Pacman Jones' strip club visits.

Owens Embraces Troubled Teammate 'Pacman' [ABC News]

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May 16, 2008

Dead Employees Do Hard Work

Hey, so KPMG audited a bunch of New Jersey school districts. And here are some of the more fun expenses!

• Camden: $380,000: Checks issued for 10 dead employees. District said they were data entry errors and no money was paid; $3 million: The amount of federal grant money the district lost in 2005 after mismanaging the funds, jeopardizing future grants.
• Gloucester City: $1,140: Desk used by a summer employee; bids were sought from other companies, but this was lowest bid; $6,116: Rain jackets for football team; jackets were just one on a list of many items on this appropriation; $14,901: For professional geese removal from athletic fields; this is a year-round health problem on fields and parking lots requiring professional help.
• Pemberton Township: $999: Flowers for Secretaries Week, School Nurses Week, Special Education Week and Teachers Appreciation Day; $1,163: Mahogany desk, chair, bookcase, umbrella stand for elementary school curriculum supervisor; desk was actually steel but colored mahogany, and was a reasonable expense from state-contracted business for furniture set.

Man, I want a mahogany-colored steel desk! I could sit at it in my rain jacket and shoo geese away all day while paying dead employees to blog for me.

Flowers, catering, goose chase among flagged expenses [Camden Courier-Post]

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January 16, 2008

Look, Another Ex-Philly Person Went Nuts

Hey, so ex-Eagles wideout Donte Stallworth is all wacky and stuff with his alter-ego Nico! He caught a long pass in Saturday's divisional win over Jacksonville, but was caught from behind.

But no one was harder on Stallworth than himself. Immediately after Mathis made the tackle, Stallworth pounded the ground and then started punching his legs as if they were defective. Stallworth said that was punishment from his alter ego, Nicco, whom Stallworth has described as an extra terrestrial being that resides on Mars when the receiver is off the field.

"Yeah, that was him," Stallworth said. "That wasn't me."

Ho, ho! And people (uh, like me, but whatevs) make fun of Darren Daulton?

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November 21, 2007

Read Error: News. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Ahh, yes, with that cutting edge reference from 1994 in the title, I'm telling you the news has apparently shut down in advance of the holiday. It left two of it's prongs on autopilot: travel and shopping. Those two stories will be the only news taking place until Monday or so (Sunday if we're lucky!) and so I figured it was time for me to call it a day.

Posts on Friday? Almost certainly, just so those in cubicles don't rise up in bloody revolt. (I'm doing my effort on the homefront for the war. Are you?)

Have a happy Football/Food Day tomorrow.

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September 05, 2007

Terrell Owens Repeats Sentences From 2 Years Ago

In an interview in last week's issue of Time, Terrell Owens not only noted he likes Donovan McNabb, says "Get yo popcorn ready" and shares the same favorite TV channel as my mother (HGTV, no lie) but also decided to answer the same exact question that got him into trouble two years ago.

If you could choose any quarterback in the NFL to be the No. 1 in Dallas, who would it be and why? Patrick McLeod, PANAMA CITY

Man, that's a tricky question. I don't want to cause trouble ... O.K., I would say Peyton Manning, then Donovan McNabb. Peyton has history on his side, with his dad being a quarterback, and you can't say enough about how studious he is in the film room.

What? No mention of the gunslinger, Brett Favre? This hasn't spun out of control like the last time Terrell Owens opened his mouth about what QB from another team he'd like to be under center for his squad, but this guy seems to have the right idea: "I don't care about T.O. Trust me. What I do want is the pot to be stirred in Dallas."

Since it was already in freaking Time, I don't think I can help push it along much, but, hey, consider this my contribution. When the Eagles beat Dallas twice again this year, you can thank me.

10 Questions for Terrell Owens [Time]
T.O. story from PFT [Igglephans]

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August 21, 2007

Comcast Rolls Out The Astroturf

We all know that sports leagues don't want anything bad said about them on television. And the TV channels that broadcast the games usually oblige -- witness the aborted question about Bud Selig to Barry Bonds during the MLB All-Star Game. But leagues are beginning to start their own channels -- NBA TV, NFL Network, Major Indoor Soccer League TV -- and the colleges are getting into it, too.

As such, the Big Ten Network has been in a public "feud" with local media giant Comcast for the past few months. The BTN wants its channel to be a basic cable channel, because I really need to see Ohio State indoor track (which they probably won't show anyway). Comcast doesn't want to put the Big Ten Network on basic cable, because the company is interested in keeping costs down for its customers. (I don't even need to put "Ha ha, just kidding!" after that last sentence.)

Comcast, as such, apparently hired a media company to astroturf lobby for it. Posts similar to this one started showing up on messageboards about Big Ten schools from posters who had just registered:

Continue reading "Comcast Rolls Out The Astroturf"

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April 18, 2007

Surprise! Gun-Toting Football Dad Was Right!

Back in October of last year -- Oh! It seems so long ago! -- a father was arrested for pulling a gun on the coach of his son's football team. The father, Wayne Derkotch, argued with the coach over his son's playing time, got into a fight with the man and pulled a gun and waited for police. (Somehow, the ref of the 5- and 6-year-old kids' game -- who made sure the kids were safe and not shot -- was arrested, too, but the charges against him were dropped.)

Where was I? Oh, right. So yesteday, Derkotch was acquitted of charges of assault, recklessly endangering another person and possession of an instrument of crime. Turns out, the judge ruled, he was pulling the gun in self-defense after the coach began punching him in the head.

Prosecution witnesses said Derkotch was the aggressor, the defense said coach Jermaine Wilson started it and Derkotch lost a tooth. Hey, it's just like first grade! Only with a gun!

Assistant District Attorney Randy Hsia was disappointed with the verdict. But he did say this: "An individual cannot pull a gun in response to a fistfight." Damn, there go my weekend plans.

Parent cleared in peewee-game fight [Inquirer]
Oct. 23, 2006: Outlaws, Raiders Somehow Involved In Fracas

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November 10, 2006

Also, Rutgers Played First Football Game In 1869

As every single sportscaster in the United States noted last night, Rutgers played in the first football game of all time, against Princeton in 1869. Then Rutgers disappeared and, although thousands of people attended, no one in the United States had ever heard of it until last night, when the 15th-ranked Scarlet Knights upset 3rd-ranked Louisville.

During the game's broadcast, viewers were treated to person-on-the-street interviews asking New Yorkers if they knew Rutgers' nickname, lists of famous Rutgers alumni -- Queen Latifah! Ozzie Nelson! Janet Evanovich! -- and approximately 4500 Sopranos references. By the way, did you know Rutgers played in the first football game ever?

After the game, Philadelphia-area viewers were treated to the happiest man in Philadelphia's thoughts on the big win:

Take hope, Temple fans.

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October 24, 2006

Gunslinger Other Than Brett Favre At Football Game

The newspapers expound today on the father who pulled a gun at his son's pee-wee football game Sunday.

Turns out it was pretty much like the original reports made it out to be: Dad argues over playing time, coach doesn't listen, dad pulls gun, fracas breaks out, referee ends up punching dad's brother. Allegedly. (Add it to that graphic over there, too.)

From the accounts, the referee did the right thing, it seems. When the gun broke out, he pulled all the players over to the far sideline, and he says he was trying to block the dad's car so he could write down its license plate when the brother came over and started something. Nonetheless, referee Shawn Henwood was arrested. But, how can someone be guilty when he speaks so well!

"All of a sudden, we hear 'Fight! Fight!' " said Henwood. "I see a gentleman pounding on another gentleman. Then we hear, 'He's got a gun! He's got a gun!' "

Gentleman? Ha. It's also good to know that no matter the age level, when a fight breaks out, everyone yells "Fight! Fight!"

The father, Wayne Derkotch, didn't comment yesterday, and, uh, pulling a gun? Not the right thing to do. Fighting with the coach isn't the thing to do, either, but coach Jermaine Wilson is apparently no saint, either:

Derkotch asked Wilson why his son wasn't getting enough playing time in the game. According to police, Wilson said that "he liked to run up the score before he put in other players."

The Daily News Ronnie Polaneczky, though, establishes the rules for parents at sporting events: "So let me be the first to post Rule No. 1: Leave the gun at home." Gee, thanks. Who woulda known?

Gun at pee-wee football: Sad lesson [Inquirer]
A dad and the ref are charged [Daily News]
Ronnie Polaneczky | A gun at a kids' game? A GUN? [Daily News]
Yesterday: Outlaws, Raiders Somehow Involved In Fracas

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October 23, 2006

Outlaws, Raiders Somehow Involved In Fracas

Kudos to Action News for its "red fist of communism punching All-American football" graphic to accompany this story. The "Parental Melee" referenced in said graphic? Ahh, none other than a parent arguing over playing time with his son's coach.

Uh, okay. That happens a lot. But what doesn't happen all the time is the father pulling a gun on the coach! Yes, the protective father pulled a gun on the coach during a game at Burlhome Park. 6 ABC reports:

The father and the coach started fist fighting and the father allegedly pulled out a 357 magnum loaded with 5 live rounds after the coach started getting the upper hand in the fight.

When the police arrived they witnessed one of the football referee punching the brother of the man with the gun. Police now have two men in custody.

The teams were the Burholme Outlaws and the Oxford Circle Raiders.

Wow, that referee really laid down the law. Of course, how could you not expect a fight with a bunch of Outlaws and Raiders on the gridiron? You're just asking for trouble!

Parent with Gun Threatens Coach [6 ABC]
Parent Threatens Peewee Coach with Loaded .357 Magnum [The 700 Level]

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October 03, 2006

A Much Buzzed-About Tuesday Debut

Tonight is the premiere of Friday Night Lights -- yeah, on a Tuesday -- the new NBC show based on the movie and book by writer Buzz Bissinger.

Last month, Bissinger talked with Dan Gross and expressed his pleasure at the show, as well as his displeasure with a few other high school football teams on screen:

H.G. "Buzz" Bissinger says he loved the pilot for NBC's upcoming series "Friday Night Lights," based on his book about high school football in Texas, but the Chestnut Hill author refuses to watch MTV's "Two-A-Days."

He feels the reality series, about an Alabama high school football team, ripped off his book. He also never saw "Varsity Blues," a football film that he also felt had been taken from his work.

Indeed. You see, Varsity Blues had a coach who didn't like the black kid, and Buzz invented high school football racism in Friday Night Lights.

However, it appears Bissinger is not being all that truthful. You see, there are rampant similarities between Friday Night Lights and Matt Christopher's 1984 novel The Great Quarterback Switch.

There is nothing that really separates the books. One is about the a Texas town and its football team and the other is about a paralyzed twin who manages to use ESP to switch with his brother on the football field. Nothing different.

Bissinger loves and snubs [Daily News]

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September 07, 2006

Leftovers: Averaging .87 Homicides A Day A Big Victory For Philadelphia

• Only 27 people were killed this August, putting the city only 2 percent higher than last year's homicide total. Whoo! Hip, hip, hooray! Let's go Philly! Way to not kill a person a day last month! Somebody ought to give out an award! [Inquirer]

• Upper Pottsgrove Township had one (1) man vehemently opposed to expanding the township's open space initiative as well as it's 1/4 percent income tax increase to help fund it. Gasp! Rather than some nice trails and parks, of course, he'd rather use his, say, $150 to buy a totally kickin' giant American flag. [I've Made A Huge Tiny Mistake]

• It's football season starting at 8:30 tonight. Hooray.

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June 05, 2006

Leftovers: In My Day, Halfballs Cost A Nickel

• Hey, oldies! Remember halfball? No? Oh, wait, no, of course not. Well, to jog your memory, there's a documentary being made about that, kick the can, jump rope, hopscotch and all those other games that we kiddies can't believe actually existed. Photo by Kristin Wolak. [South Philly Review]

• The statue-inspiring film star himself, Sly Stallone, had his 60th birthday bash over the weekend. Sly would watch that halfball documentary and still have no idea what halfball is. (Rimshot.) [AP/Yahoo!]

• Could Johnny Brenda's be replacing Johnny Goodtimes as the one and only savior of Metro? Time will only tell. [Foobooz]

• Sorry for being behind on the possible Philadelphia ban on foie gras proposed by Myspace City Councilman Jack Kelly. Here's a big ol' recap. [Politics Philly]

• If you're wondering which senators and representatives are in favor of the anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution, here's a helpful list. [AMERICAblog]

• Speedier cheap rail to New York City is possibly coming! Of course, by "cheap" they mean "still expensive, but not quite as bad as Amtrak or a plane." [Inky]

• And, finally, America must not want the world to get too into our own brand of football, as we've sent Ivy Leaguers to Japan to them how it's done. Actually, Ivy football is lots o'offense, not much defense, so this might work. [KYW 1060]

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March 08, 2006

Quickies: These colors do run

• Get ready, people, for a decrease in your freedoms! Well, okay, they're just going to ban desecrating (read: burning) the flag. And they're going to continue to take away our other freedoms without amending the constitution. We do know that. But there is an upshot: Business will soon be booming for Uncle D-Mac's Irregular, Highly Flammable brand flags! [Dick Polman's American Debate]

• Police commish Sylvester Johnson asked for $100 million to hire new officers, but instead got $10 mil for overtime. He's happy, though, since the city will be spending half of it on "Start Snitchin'" t-shirts. [Inky]

• Guess which owner is part of the group threatening to throw the NFL into chaos by hoping to block a revenue sharing plan? Guess, guess! Tat's right, Eagles' owner Jeff Lurie. It's okay, though, at least he keeps the ticket prices for Eagles fans cheap. Erhm. [ESPN.com]

• Houston Texans linebacker Kylie Wong recently got an autograph from his hero: Wharton professor Jeremy Siegel. "You got GNP!" says Wong. [Blinq]

• And, from the Bucksco crime log: "Theft: Giant Food Store, 700 block Stony Hill Rd., 1:01 p.m., Sun, baby formula, $300 value." [Bucks County Courier Times]

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February 06, 2006

Stupor Bowl

The Super Bowl is America's unofficial national holiday, an amalgam of everything that makes this country great (and, in a way, awful): sports, music, commercialism, John Madden, humor. Oh, and religion. Is it surprising at all that it's held on a Sunday?

This year's Super Bowl started off on a down note, for me. I woke up around 10 a.m. or so to find my cable out. A quick call to Comcast and a restarting of my cable box fixed the problem, preventing a bloody coup of the cable company by me. (Come on. Cable out during the Super Bowl? Would it get any worse?)

I figured it was going to be a good day, since once my cable started working I only had to suffer through 15 seconds of Meet the Press before finding none other than The Three Stooges, which included the short where they're on the train and they get attacked by a lion. If you're wondering, yes, I believe the Stooges are three of our greatest Americans.

Then, it was time for the Philadelphia Soul, our city's fine arena football team. If you don't know what arena football is, it's kind of like what football would be if it the rules were made up by unusually hyperactive 13-year-old boys. The field is 50 yards, there are walls and one player in yesterday's game had a beer spilled on him while diving for a catch. Ex-Eagles defensive end Hugh Douglas does halftime commentary. Also, Philly's team is co-owned by Jon Bon Jovi.

While I was watching that game, I also tuned into the Puppy Bowl, which was on animal planet and featured puppies romping around on a fake field. When one of the puppies pooped on the field, they called a flag for intentional grounding. The Puppy Bowl -- Puppy Bowl II, to be exact -- was three hours long. Also, the puppies' introductions were done by Phillies announcer Harry Kalas.

Are you sensing a theme here? Super Bowl Sunday is the greatest day of the year.

Then, the Philadelphia Soul actually defeated the Los Angeles Avengers. The Bon Jovi Boys were buoyed by a play where the Avengers' quarterback threw the ball backwards while in his own end zone. It was recovered by the Soul for a touchdown.

After what seemed like hours, it was finally time for the Super Bowl. Well, not yet. There was a Motown medley from Stevie Wonder before the big game, and nothing was better than the middle-aged white people they got to jump up and down awkwardly in front of the stage.

Finally, the Super Bowl. Well, no, wait, the Super Bowl introductions. While the Steelers came out to Fatboy Slim's "Right Here, Right Now," the Seahawks were treated to The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony," which is pump-me-up music if I ever heard it. The Seahawks were doomed.

And, yes, despite dominating the first half, the Seahawks went into halftime down 7-3, due to a bunch of mistakes and the Steelers having paid off the referees before the game. Ha ha! I kid, folks. But the Steelers did get seven points in the first half despite failing to score a touchdown. The refs just sorta gave them seven. Maybe there was a scoreboard malfunction.

Speaking of malfunctions, the halftime show was, eh. It was okay. They had a U2-esque circle stage with people in the center, although early in the set they were covered by a giant tongue. I'm not quite sure how "giant tongue" means "Rolling Stones," but what do I know about music? Everyone made a lot of fun of the halftime show, but when you really think about it, the people up there singing actually fought in World War I. It'd be like Willard Scott and Bea Arthur going on tour.

Two other notes about the game: The announcing by John Madden was, as usual, fantastic, especially every time he said "gadget play" and the part where he set a world record for most times saying "bootleg" in a 30-second span (272). The commercials? Eh, not so much. Really, all of them kind of sucked. Anheuser-Busch spent approximately $90 billion dollars on 32 Bud Light ads, and all but one of them made me want to drink any other beer but Bud Light. After a season of amazing football ads, Burger King dropped the ball almost as much as Jerramy Stevens (although the King did have a cameo, so it wasn't all bad). And Pepsi had an ad with Jay Mohr and P. Diddy. Need I say more?

As for the end of the game, the Steelers won, so hurrah for ex-Eagles Duce Staley, Sean Morey and even coach Bill Cowher, who played for the Frankford Yellowjackets, I think. Or maybe it was the Steagles. After the game, Jerome Bettis retired and ate five turduckens in celebration. John Madden one-upped him by eating seven.

After the game, it was a code black on Grey's Anatomy -- which, by the way, is funnier than Scrubs -- which apparently means "There's World War II-era unexploded ammunition inside a patient and only Christina Ricci's hand can save the hospital from exploding." Wow. You'd think they wouldn't have given such a bigtime color to that. That should be code periwinkle or something.

All in all, it was a good day, capped off by the lead story on Action News: It's colder out now than it was earlier today. And with that, all the kiddies lay down their heads, and said a prayer in honor of the holy day. In the name of the Madden, and of the Stooges, and of the Holy Bettis. Amen.

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January 16, 2006

Stealing playoff dreams

Today's debate question in Metro: Are you less likely to watch the NFL playoffs now that the Eagles aren't playing?

One of the selected responses:

Well, I guess he's done watching the playoffs.

Steelers 21, Colts 18 [AP via Yahoo!]
Metro Philly

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December 28, 2005

Red storm for bowl game

A story in the Inquirer today highlights a man who might be the craziest sports fan on the planet: A die-hard, crazed Rutgers fan. Until this season, Rutgers hadn't been to a bowl game since 1978, which means Temple had been to a bowl more recently than the Scarlet Knights. And that's bad.

But that didn't matter to Jeffrey Oldt, a Rutgers grad and season ticket holder who -- after deciding he couldn't afford to attend the game -- had a giant party at his own place, complete with stolen bleachers, a Rutgers motorcycle, a new TV in front of a roaring fireplace, Jell-O shots, etc. And everything was red, the school's color. (At this point, I'd like to nominate this man as Best Rutgers Fan Ever.)

All of this for Rutgers. The Inky story doesn't say it, but -- of course -- the Scarlet Knights lost last night. Alas.

Rutgers fan brings bowl scene to his front lawn [Inky]
Arizona State 45, Rutgers 40 [AP via Yahoo!]

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