June 24, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Um, this is a pretty sad story, except for the part where the guy pretends to sell his 6-month-old son as a prank. That was pretty hilarious.

Fatimah Ali: "I draw the line at their children. But, mark my words, there are some unscrupulous journalists who will feast on them, too." Oh, let me be the first: Barack Obama's children do blow just like he does!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:58 AM | Comments (0)

June 10, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: It's time for another edition of Ronnie's People, and she's back with the little dying kid who made a wish and then hit all those three pointers in the basketball game. No, wait, sorry, she's writing about with the sick kid who made a wish to keep his Catholic grade school open. It's actually a well-done column, at least for somebody who went to Catholic grade school. Look, this is interesting!

That means teaching a parish school how to act like a private one: the kind with an elected board, a long-range business plan, marketing and fundraising strategies and an endowment. BLOCS was looking for a school where they could pilot this new plan when they heard about St. Cyril's. After meeting the staff and learning of Tommy's story, they were hooked enough to help the school get a 10-year plan together. Using St. Cyril's as a model, they want to help other parish schools thrive, too.

Neat! And the column isn't even that overwritten and doesn't get too self-referential/yay go go Daily News whoop whoop. More of this, please.

Elmer Smith: Gas prices are high.

Fatimah Ali: "I fully embrace the growth of the city's charter and magnet schools - when they're well-run." Now there's a strong stand.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:52 AM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: While your Memorial Day is over, the state lawmakers are still in the middle of their two-week break. Enjoy democracy!

Fatimah Ali: Children are our future, we need to educate them, etc. The best part of this column is its exciting intro quote from Orrin Hatch.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:56 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Uhh, so all the hilarious stuff that Nutter and Ramsay have said over the past week or so? Ronnie loves it!

Stu Bykofsky: This is about inside baseball of animal shelters.

Elmer Smith: This is another person giving his personal vice presidential pick for Barack Obama. Pretty soon all the Daily News columnists will have weighed in, and then Obama will make his pick.

Fatimah Ali: Ms. Ali has some advice for Michelle Obama. I have some too: DON'T LISTEN TO HER, MICHELLE!

Okay, now I read this column and it's all about fashion advice from Ali and her friends. "I hope those unflattering photos of his wife floating around the Internet aren't going to be yet another distraction in Barack Obama's quest to become president." Don't tell Charlie Gibson, he'll ask about it at the first Obama-McCain debate.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (2)

April 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: It's a fake debate from Obama and Hillary pieced together from real things they've said. Okay.

Jill Porter: Boy, it sure would be better if politicians didn't do politics.

Elmer Smith: You're going to need to eat your rebate check, which will be made out of butter.

Fatimah Ali: Hey, look, Ms. Ali got a quote from an expert: Her friend! "Today's parents are busy text messaging, instead of trying to mediate hostile situations by meeting face to face." Uhm.

Oh, yeah, and it's all the media's fault: "Many parents blame media decadence for creating society's climate of violence. I agree, but it's still our parental responsibility to enforce censorship on computers and TV. We have the right to know what our children are being exposed to, and we have access to computer passwords and can turn off violent TV. If you flip through some of the toxic programming, it will make your head spin."

Posted by D-Mac at 08:17 AM | Comments (0)

April 15, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Oh, Obama and Clinton just love Jesus so much.

Fatimah Ali: Ha ha, Fatimah Ali hates Stu Bykofsky now! This is totally the best Fatimah Ali column ever.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Three people are dead and now house arrest is over, no justice, no peace, et cetera.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:33 AM | Comments (1)

April 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, Barack Obama could win Pennsylvania. Too bad there's still over 20 days 'til the election.

Ronni Polaneczky: Ahh, yes, what we really need is more people being online vigilantes and more people on Digg.

Fatmiah Ali: Oh, look, it's an "open letter" to the parents of the kids who killed that dude on the subway. Ooh, it's not even worth getting into.

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers is already complaining the white man is being denied justice due to the dude being killed in the subway. Already! And the Daily News printed it!

Elmer Smith: I don't summarize columns that begin with quotes from Swiss philosopher Henri Amiel. Long story.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:58 AM | Comments (9)

March 20, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: This is what newspaper humor columns were like before the Internet. And Dave Barry. And the French and Indian War. Be happy those things happened, please.

Mark Alan Hughes: Here's an argument to vote for Hillary you've already heard from her. Big states means big win over WALNUTS! McCain come November.

Fatimah Ali: Ahh, it's good to see that even after the Daily News let Fatimah Ali write that Hillary was a murderer, they continue to let her write whatever the hell she wants: "One of the most effective ways to wire an election is to throw the voters off the mark by using some incendiary device like the Wright sermons to keep our focus off the remarks made over the years by the opposition. A little research will reveal some of the slurs that Clinton has hurled at Jews and East Indians."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:39 AM | Comments (0)

March 04, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Yes, there still are race problems in America.

Ronnie Polaneczky: "That's the problem with this 'art' - if, indeed, that's what it's supposed to be. It belabors a point we already know, and it does nothing but further frighten brave people who, just by living and working in this city, are already frightened enough."

Fatimah Ali: Basically, this column is about how black people who support Hillary are evil. It's full of unintentionally hilarious statements, as usual!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:11 AM | Comments (0)

February 19, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Teen drivers.

Elmer Smith: Meat.

John Baer: Ed Rendell cheated to help Hillary Clinton, who he supports because he's white.

Fatimah Ali: Oh, this has to be great. It opens with, "HAVE YOU noticed how foul the broadcast airwaves have become over the last decade?" I actually have to read this; give me a second.

I had to stop when I got to this part: "But Clinton did help to set the climate for some aspect of society's moral decline when he signed the 1996 Telecommunications Act. That loosened standards for TV and radio and set the tone for the decadence that's so prevalent today." The 1996 Telecommunications Act loosened standards for regulation; here's a list of FCC indecency fines. There are none between 1975 and 1987; then there are occasional flare-ups when people want to get outraged.

She then says people didn't used to curse as much on the radio, or whatever; basically, this is the same crap as always. Then bamwhatamaneuver!

Have you noticed the increase in one-sided conservative talk-radio hosts? This is dangerous for our precious democracy. We must never forget that one of Hitler's first moves was to take over the radio airwaves in Germany before launching his Nazi empire.

Did Hitler make terrible arguments? There's someone I want to compare him to.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

February 12, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, I'm a Daily News columnist who's going to tell you how to spend your $600 tax rebate. No, I'm not the finance columnist; why? Oh, oh, this is a "snarky" column, not a serious one. That's a fine topic, then.

Fatimah Ali: I give up with this shit. Seriously, it ends with a "we can fight the war in Iraq, but we can't solve illegal immigration?" line.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Rendell's gonna introduce his budget today to, uh, raucous applause?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, look, there are paramedics who want to work for Philadelphia, but for some reason we don't let them.

Oh, boy... here we go. Both on the same day? Clearly, the Daily News is trying to kill me.

Christine Flowers: "Republicans are smarter." No, really, that's the point of her column.

Fatimah Ali: "[These cartoons are] sharp reminders of who the Clintons really are - people who will say and do anything to get elected."

Seriously, if I tried to summarize either of those my head might explode.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

January 29, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: One week, it's "Bill Clinton killed Vince Foster." Today, The Secret. Bahahaha.

Deborah Leavy: Oh, wah wah, Bill Clinton has "denigrated the 'office' of ex-president." You know, I worry more about when people denigrate the office of president.

Elmer Smith: Oh, the Kennedys (Kennedies?) endorsed Barack Obama, he's the new JFK, etc.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yeah, if you're in the area, go congratulate some security guards for some reason.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

January 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: How can we have a meaningful debate about recent police shootings? Oh, yes, let's have Al Sharpton protest in front of the Roundhouse, that should work nicely.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Give people the chance to move into Philly after they're hired, etc.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

January 08, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, another "man on the street" column. Whoopie.

Elmer Smith: Holy shit, Michael Nutter was also one of the three wise men! Oh, man, he can end the city's pension problems by just selling off all his myrrh.

Fatimah Ali: Holy shit! This column might break all previous Fatimah Ali columns in terms of unintentional hilarity, and that's pretty hard to do. For example: "For instance, I want the truth about the afternoon her close friend Vince Foster allegedly took his life in the park. And about the Whitewater scandal, because I never believed the White House spin." Ha ha, did you just read that? The Daily News essentially printed the right-wing "Clintons killed Vince Foster" email forward in the newspaper!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

December 26, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: For some reason, I hope people are chagrined by Andy Reid's lawyer-approved column in Phillymag.

Chris Brennan: Ha, it's not just the West Philly El project that has SEPTA annoying people. SEPTA does it on Jenkintown rail tracks, too! Oh, and people there lie.

Carol Towarnicky: Sorry, Carol, I went to church on Christmas, and I don't know if I can deal with Christianity again for a little bit.

Fatimah Ali: "I instinctively get mad when a homeless person approaches me[.]" It seems kind of weird to get mad; wouldn't you be mad like every time you walk through Center City? That's no way to have a good day.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

December 18, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: Geeze, what is it with black people being offended by Signe Wilkinson cartoons? Can she draw any black figure without somebody telling her how offended everyone should be? I will note, though, that Fatimah Ali's comments on the situation are way smarter than Police Commish Sylvester Johnson (Nov. 2005) or U.S. Rep. Chaka Fattah (May 2007). Noodle on that one for a while.

Elmer Smith: A West Philly bar was shut down because there were a ton of shootings out in front of it. And check out this recent reference! "You'd have to go back to Miss Kitty's place on the old 'Gunsmoke' show to find a taproom with a more quick-triggered clientele." Gunsmoke, incidentally, began airing in 1955.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Okay, this column is just way too sad for me right now.

Tune in tomorrow, when we probably find out how Jill Porter is going to get the Hershey Corporation to make Alycia Lane stop the late 1980s surge in crack cocaine violence.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

December 11, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Okay, this story is like, ew. And, uh, sad. Let's move on.

Fatimah Ali: "Fatimah Ali is a proud stage parent and a member of Eleone's board of directors." Oh, so this was just a plug for her own organization. Fair enough.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 27, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh, man, we got rid of graffiti on a wall, Philadelphia is a world-class city again!

Elmer Smith: Hey, let's dance around the topic of prison rape without mentioning it since, you know, "people deserve to be raped in prison" is the general American sentiment.

Fatimah Ali: Kids taking care of eggs to teach them about being a responsible parent when they're ready, yes, we've heard of that before.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 13, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: We support our troops! Well, ahh, except after they get home.

Ronnie Polaneczky: It's weird when a source in the story also took a photograph for you yesterday for the same story. Incidentally, this column is too over the place to even abridge.

Fatimah Ali: "Like millions, I'm very interested in Oprah's school." Not me!

Flavia Colgan: Apparently, instead of holiday miracles this year, the Daily News will be profiling "Milagros."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 06, 2007

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Some workers don't get sick days, and allegedly the union isn't helping 'em, either.

Fatimah Ali: Oprah's vajayjay! Oh, no, I mean her school in South Africa.

Dave Davies: Reasons to vote: "Earn your right to complain when politicians disappoint you. You don't want somebody saying, just when you get into a good rant, 'Well, if you didn't vote, then . . . '" Hey, great minds think alike. I do think it's an argument that's unlikely to come up, though. I mean, you could always just lie and say you voted. Who would look it up?

Missed this column from yesterday
Debbie Woodell: Is there a gay gene? Will that stop anyone from gay bashing?

Missed this column when I first posted (an Abridged Daily News Columnists tradition)
Elmer Smith: Why can't people turn people in for murder without rewards? Makes sense to me.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:15 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

October 30, 2007

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, the government spent $1.3 billion and actually put it to good use.

Sandra Shea: Hey, come to the riverfront planning meeting so developers can probably ignore you.

Fatimah Ali: "But plenty of taxpayers like me are excited about the changing tides. And we're pinning our hopes on electing this visionary." Yeah, all the taxpayers are excited!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, I ran in that race about 10 years ago. Whee!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

October 23, 2007

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Looks like the school district screwed up again!

Fatimah Ali: This is some high-quality shit here; "Then he did the ultimate to ensure he'd never have to pay me another dime. He upped and died."

Things could be a little or a lot slow today; I'm working on a story for PW, but I'll still throw a couple posts up.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

October 16, 2007

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh my God workers looked in George Clooney's medical file illegally will they look in mine next?

Elmer Smith: Oh, yeah, the Parking Authority is supposed to give the school district a bunch of money but they haven't, whoops.

John Baer: Ha ha just like in Atlantic City, everything related to gambling is corrupt.

Fatimah Ali: This column seemed pretty boring so I didn't read it.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:06 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

October 02, 2007

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: I dunno. Every third word in this column was an acronym, so I couldn't understand a thing.

Fatimah Ali: This column is titled "Part 1," so hopefully there will be many more parts I can ignore in the future.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:01 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)