July 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: A group of free-market ideologues at the Institute for Justice are going to sue in hopes of eliminating the tour guide regulation put through City Council last year. I have some new heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Be an organ donor, you idiots. And once a majority of people are organ donors maybe the Institute for Justice can campaign to let our survivors sell our organs.

Dave Davies: OMG Dave Davies got to meet noted pop star John McCain and was all ga-ga over what he got to ask him! Oooh!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:38 AM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, look, it's a sarcastic (and incredibly annoying) column on the Supreme Court DC gun ban ruling!

Christine Flowers: Hey, look, it's a sarcastic (and incredibly annoying) column on the Supreme Court DC gun ban ruling with the added bonus of a random attack on contraception.

Elmer Smith: This column shows some staggering statistics in the number of people in this city who won't graduate high school. Sad, even. So let's just quote the headline and make fun of it: "Can bureaucracies together stem dropout tide?" Umm, I'm going to have to guess: No.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:49 AM | Comments (0)

June 24, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Um, this is a pretty sad story, except for the part where the guy pretends to sell his 6-month-old son as a prank. That was pretty hilarious.

Fatimah Ali: "I draw the line at their children. But, mark my words, there are some unscrupulous journalists who will feast on them, too." Oh, let me be the first: Barack Obama's children do blow just like he does!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:58 AM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: He thinks your vote matters.

Jill Porter: Hey, apparently -- and I know this is kinda wild -- people have the right to protest police procedures without being detained by the police.

Dave Davies: Ha ha, here's a whole column about how L&I never comes out for anything but did come out for these protesters of police brutality. It's probably my favorite column by anyone so far this year.

Okay, besides that Christine Flowers column where she defended police brutality and then the next week claimed no one defended police brutality.

Christine Flowers: If you vote for president on any issue besides the Supreme Court, you're wrong, stupid! Anyway, Flowers thinks the federal government should be able to lock up anyone it chooses for no reason. Are you surprised?

Posted by D-Mac at 08:18 AM | Comments (0)

June 17, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Sam Evans lived to 105 and spend 88 years of his life in Philadelphia. How one man does that, I do not know. Impressive.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Heartwarming story of the day!

Deborah Leavy: "It's good for women in general if Hillary Clinton roots for Barack Obama," is kinda what this column is saying.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:20 AM | Comments (1)

June 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Grrar, I want the state to kill people for me!

Jill Porter: It's a heartwarming story, Father's Day edition!

Elmer Smith: The DRPA is going to raise tolls because it gives away all its money to stupid causes. Also, I like Elmer Smiths's censored tagline: "Send e-ma*l to sm*thel@ph*llynews.com or call 215-854-2512. For recent columns: http://go.ph*lly.com/sm*th."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (1)

June 10, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: It's time for another edition of Ronnie's People, and she's back with the little dying kid who made a wish and then hit all those three pointers in the basketball game. No, wait, sorry, she's writing about with the sick kid who made a wish to keep his Catholic grade school open. It's actually a well-done column, at least for somebody who went to Catholic grade school. Look, this is interesting!

That means teaching a parish school how to act like a private one: the kind with an elected board, a long-range business plan, marketing and fundraising strategies and an endowment. BLOCS was looking for a school where they could pilot this new plan when they heard about St. Cyril's. After meeting the staff and learning of Tommy's story, they were hooked enough to help the school get a 10-year plan together. Using St. Cyril's as a model, they want to help other parish schools thrive, too.

Neat! And the column isn't even that overwritten and doesn't get too self-referential/yay go go Daily News whoop whoop. More of this, please.

Elmer Smith: Gas prices are high.

Fatimah Ali: "I fully embrace the growth of the city's charter and magnet schools - when they're well-run." Now there's a strong stand.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:52 AM | Comments (0)

June 06, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: If you're a Clinton supporter who won't vote for Obama you should kill yourself. That's really what she writes. This is my favorite Jill Porter column ever.

Elmer Smith: Ooh, a recollection of a 1983 boxing match opens this column.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:55 AM | Comments (1)

June 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, parents are so annoying they had to change graduation at Cardinal Dougherty -- some of them were blowing airhorns in the Basilica.

Elmer Smith: Hey, we can only do so much international relief, or something.

Deborah Leavy: Yes, Obama really needs to convince the people who don't like him because he's black that he's not a Muslim.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:11 AM | Comments (0)

May 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Hey, apparently "not allowing atheists and gays in your group" is "fighting back against political correctness." Flowers leaves out of this column a part about how the local Boy Scout council had to rescind their nondiscrimination policy due to the national group, but, hey, she's trying to make a point. Gotta leave out those facts that don't support the cause!

Elmer Smith: Yes, let's help the homeless, especially the ones with mental illness.

Jill Porter: The city has owned a camp in East Stroudsburg since the 1950s. Now it's closing, apparently.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:56 AM | Comments (12)

May 23, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: OH. MY. GOD.

This is from Christine Flowers, today:

Let's be clear: No one defends police brutality. The days when stick-wielding predators could march into a neighborhood and bash heads with impunity are, if they ever truly existed, over.

This is from Christine Flowers, exactly two weeks ago:

My suggestion: Let's ignore the unfortunates who got slapped around a bit because they were up to no good.

Yeah, no one but Christine Flowers! Oh. My. God. From now on, I'm going on the assumptions that (1) the Daily News has no editorial page editors and (2) Christine Flowers is the worst person ever. Oh, wait, I was already doing that.

(By the way, the "if it ever existed" part is freaking hilarious. One could say it's a defense of police brutality itself. Please, never stop writing, Christine Flowers.)

Elmer Smith: Wow, who knew Elmer Smith was in such a big fan of Texas authorities taking kids away from their parents -- despicable as they may be -- and "rooting" on the people who did it? But wait, now he's not sure about it!

Jill Porter: The best part of this column is when Porter writes that she wanted to talk to the two people involved, but couldn't find their phone numbers.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:32 AM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, look, everybody is upset with the four cops being fired.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Yeah, yeah, the cops shouldn't be kicking people on the ground.

Deborah Leavy: Wow, nobody can win the presidency this year.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:27 AM | Comments (1)

May 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: You see, the joke here is that Flowers is very dismissive and elitist in her columns, and here she's criticizing elitism among Democrats. What do you mean she's dead serious?

Elmer Smith: "The prudent politician would sooner French-kiss a snaggletoothed crocodile than hear his name and the words 'tax hike' in the same sentence." Mhmm, yes.

Jill Porter: This is some sort of heartwarming story.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:30 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Uhh, so all the hilarious stuff that Nutter and Ramsay have said over the past week or so? Ronnie loves it!

Stu Bykofsky: This is about inside baseball of animal shelters.

Elmer Smith: This is another person giving his personal vice presidential pick for Barack Obama. Pretty soon all the Daily News columnists will have weighed in, and then Obama will make his pick.

Fatimah Ali: Ms. Ali has some advice for Michelle Obama. I have some too: DON'T LISTEN TO HER, MICHELLE!

Okay, now I read this column and it's all about fashion advice from Ali and her friends. "I hope those unflattering photos of his wife floating around the Internet aren't going to be yet another distraction in Barack Obama's quest to become president." Don't tell Charlie Gibson, he'll ask about it at the first Obama-McCain debate.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (2)

May 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: I don't even have the strength to mock these columns anymore. It's not even that I disagree with Flowers; it's like she's intentionally writing absolutely stupid, awful arguments just to piss me off. What's next, a whole column about Gossip Girl?

Elmer Smith: Sorry, national media! Ain't no riots going to happen here!

Jill Porter: Something about Toll Bros. houses being auctioned off or something. I dunno.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:51 PM | Comments (4)

May 06, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Watch, as a Daily News columnist magically over-dramatizes an already sad situation.

Elmer Smith: Hey, look, $3 million for repairing a concert venue some people like. Eh, whatever, we spent like a million billion dollars on those new sports stadiums in South Philly.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:19 AM | Comments (0)

May 02, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Okay, this column is about gay marriage and Flowers doesn't like it because the Bible says so and blah, blah, blah. But she actually makes some decent points earlier in the column about arrogance -- I guess that's what I'll call it -- even though they're framed in typical annoying Flowers-speak. It's been a while since Flowers wrote a column that wasn't 100 percent nonsensical. What a weird day.

Elmer Smith: Hey, here's more on prison overcrowding. Nice column, actually. And, look, the deputy mayor sounds awesome! "We do not want to spend money locking up people who are nonviolent just to perpetuate the illusion that that this will make us safer."

Jill Porter: Joey Vento, Rev. Wright, "sickness of the soul." FAIL.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:16 PM | Comments (2)

April 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: It's a fake debate from Obama and Hillary pieced together from real things they've said. Okay.

Jill Porter: Boy, it sure would be better if politicians didn't do politics.

Elmer Smith: You're going to need to eat your rebate check, which will be made out of butter.

Fatimah Ali: Hey, look, Ms. Ali got a quote from an expert: Her friend! "Today's parents are busy text messaging, instead of trying to mediate hostile situations by meeting face to face." Uhm.

Oh, yeah, and it's all the media's fault: "Many parents blame media decadence for creating society's climate of violence. I agree, but it's still our parental responsibility to enforce censorship on computers and TV. We have the right to know what our children are being exposed to, and we have access to computer passwords and can turn off violent TV. If you flip through some of the toxic programming, it will make your head spin."

Posted by D-Mac at 08:17 AM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Oh, man, Christine Flowers is writing today about an even more oppressed group than white people: Catholics! Yes, the Pope recently made his fake apology for sexual abuse (if he really cared he'd return Cardinal Law to the U.S.), and so you're not allowed to make fun of Catholics. Specifically, you can't call the Pope a Nazi, even though he was in Hitler Youth.

"Catholics are probably the last acceptable targets of thoughtless mass prejudice," she writes, apparently unaware that, uhm, lots of white people hate black people. But this is a woman who wants to execute kids, so who knows. Oh, and then at the end of this column she calls for Bill Maher to be killed by vigilante justice. Ha ha!

Elmer Smith: Blablabla I dunno, it's some Democrat-specific column that I don't really care to read.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:49 AM | Comments (9)

April 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Uh, she wants law enforcement to come in and take all the babies from poor, unwed teen mothers in Philadelphia. That's what she wrote!

Deborah Leavy: Whenever someone debates whether the president should attend the Olympics, she thinks of a cliche. Ooh, okay.

Elmer Smith: Ha ha, he writes about an old person who still hasn't figured out that voting doesn't matter.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:50 AM | Comments (1)

April 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Oh, man, what if you can't decide who should be president? What, between the liar and the dude who hates the American flag?

Elmer Smith: Ooh, a column on four various issues. Including how the Guardian Angels didn't get free tokens!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:07 AM | Comments (0)

April 04, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Yes, yes, Martin Luther King was killed right before he went all super socialist on us. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm indeed.

John Baer: The popular guy who's won most of the states and a majority of the popular vote and delegates could actually win Pennsylvania!

Jill Porter: Hi. D-Mac here. How are youse doing? Good, I hope so. Anyway, let me tell you something, all of you who are big on anti-gun or frequently write anti-gun columns or blog posts or whatever. Now, I've never fired anything more dangerous than a Nintendo Zapper, but the more anti-gun rants I read (like Porter's today), the more I simply want to get a concealed carry permit. So, I ask you, anti-gun people: Please get some better talking points. Thank you.

Aw, you know what? I'm going to Glock Day.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:09 AM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: OMG OBAMA'S SPEECH WAS AWESOME!

Jill Porter: OMG OBAMA'S SPEECH WAS HISTORIC!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (4)

March 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Debbie Woodell: This is the final gay and lesbian issues column in the Daily News; apparently, Woodell didn't speak for the entire GLBT community. Ohh!

Elmer Smith: Oh, more gun laws that won't pass in Harrisburg.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, Michael Smerconish is also highly offended by this Christian's preaching as well.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Fifty five hundred dollars is a lot to pay for sex, am I right? (Rimshot.)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Man, some politicians sure do cheat on their wives, am I right? (Rimshot.)

Posted by D-Mac at 11:19 AM | Comments (0)