June 30, 2008

This Is My Favorite Missed Connection Ever

Friday night, my friend and I were walking along 18th, heading to Continental when you and your friends passed us. You asked me if I had a cigarette. Because I didn't, I said, "No, I'm sorry." Because I'm Asian, you said, "You'd probably have an egg roll though." And then snickered to your friends like you believed you had said out loud what they all only wished they had the courage to utter. But it wasn't brave to disparage someone you look down on. It was hurtful, and because it was hurtful it was common and unoriginal and pathetic. I didn't think you were pretty before, and after that, you were just ugly. You make the world a worse place by not making it any better. Nobody will ever celebrate you.

Who ever would have thought annoying girls in Center City on Friday nights would make completely unfunny jokes?!

Drunk, racist brunette - m4w - 23 (18th & Walnut) [Craigslist]
Thanks, Chrissy

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2008

An Example Of Pittsburgh Nightlife

From Pittsburgh Craigslist: "I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was 'Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.'" Let's remind ourselves it's not a good idea to do everything the Internet tells us. And also that it's probably not a good idea to do everything people from Pittsburgh tell us as well. Thanks, Emily.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)

May 29, 2008

Only Apply If You're METAL Enough

Major local media outlet is looking for freelance music journalists who specialize in METAL.

You must be passionate about METAL and have an extensive knowledge of the local METAL scene, relevant bands, releases, and history.

Your Craigslist ad of the day, people. METAL. Thanks, Emily G.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:48 AM | Comments (1)

January 08, 2008

NBC 10: People Searching For Anonymous Sex Online Not Always Truthful

NBC 10 interviewed a "computer and Internet safety expert" last night to let people know that when you're searching for anonymous, no strings attached sex online, you could be the victim of blackmail!

The chief story the report used was that of Jessica Wolcot, who tried to blackmail a Pepsi executive after hooking up with him over Craigslist. Of course, Gary Wandschneider was married, so perhaps the advice should be amended: If you are in a relationship and have anonymous sex over Craigslist, you might be blackmailed! (Me? I plan on sharing all my anonymous Craigslist sex stories on this blog sometime. Can't be blackmailed if you're proud of it!)

The Internet security expert also said the Internet is "like Candy Land" for scammers, which means they really want to go to Gum Drop Mountain, I guess.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:01 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

January 03, 2008

The Fish ARE Cheaper At Big Al's!

Hey, do you have a Zune? (Uh, It's the Microsoft portable MP3 player.) Okay, so we know you don't. How about a chinchilla? Or some... oh, here, you just read the Craigslist post. (Warning: As usual with the internet, it's probably fake.)

I have a baby alligator. He is actually about 1.5 - 2 yo. I was told he would grow to be 12-15 feet, however I am keeping him in a pretty large indoor pond, and he has not grown in a while. He is about a foot at most, and I doubt he will get any bigger. HE comes with his 35 gallon indoor pond, filter, fountain, daytime light, night time light, water heater, and I'm sure I could transport whatever fish he has in there at the time. He won't eat pinky's, I think they are to big. I used to give him crickets, but they are really annoying chirping away all night. He eats rosy reds and small comets (he likes them the most), which is pretty easy because they are cheap and you can stock up on them and keep them in his pond.

His name is Erwin, and of course I want him to go to a good home, if you are willing to give up a good trade, I'd assume you would mean him no harm.

PLEASE.. keep your opinions to yourself, I don't care for them!

I am asking for a zune or a baby chinchilla camaro parts or.... make me an offer!

fish are .12 at pet smart each and even cheaper at Big al's

Truly, Camaro parts for an alligator would be the greatest swap of all time.

[via Geekadelphia]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

October 04, 2007

Breaking: Philly Ticket Scalpers Screwed

Yesterday, those heading down to the Phillies game had some trouble due to a fire at Ellsworth-Federal just as everybody was heading down to the game. (A friend even said -- shocker! -- they when he was directed off the subway there were no shuttle buses to be found!)

And today, more Phillies-related fun: A tipster reports that, um, nobody's been able to post to Craigslist since around 3 a.m. A search seems to prove this. (To clarify: No posts since 3 a.m. or so have gone up on Craigslist sites across the country.)

This means, of course, that nobody can scalp their Phillies tickets for exorbitant sums. Fortunately, I was keeping mine anyway. SRO tix, baby!

Update: Back up!

Yesterday: Breaking: Broad Street Line Shut Down

Posted by D-Mac at 11:26 AM | Comments (49) | TrackBack (0)

July 10, 2007

All Work And No Pay Makes Jack A Dull Boy

Excerpt of a a posting from Craigslist:

The Bulletin, a five day a week newspaper in Philadelphia, is looking for talented, enthusiastic and hard-working people to join our sports staff for the fall high school season. [...] You must have knowledge of sports, writing samples to show and be willing to work weekends. This is a paid position, but the compensation will be discussed down the road. This job is ideal for freelancers and aspiring sports writers looking for experience at a daily paper.

"Compensation will be discussed down the road" means "If we pay you, it'll be crap."

Daily newspaper seeks sports writers [Craigslist]

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June 28, 2007

Subject Line Of The Week

Somebody, please, return this guy's notebook: He had a bunch of notes on how to spell common words in there.

Writer looses Notebook [Craigslist]

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May 21, 2007

New Gonzo Newspaper To Offend All Philadelphians

Attention, local college grads: Job market got you down? That comparison essay of Swift's and Homer's satire not getting you the job at the New York Times you expected? That's okay. As long as you are skilled in the Gonzo™ style of journalism, you can work for this dude with a business plan of "sort of like that Moscow English language newspaper popular in the late 1990s":

Sick of the Philadelphia Weekly and City Paper molesting your pupils with pseudo-alternative bile? I am looking to launch a Gonzo-style paper in the fall/winter, with most of the logistics being worked out over the summer. I need a staff. Someone who can design page layouts, a photographer, and some part-time writing contributers. A law student would also be handy to keep us just barely on the right side of libel. More details will be provided later, but you must first prove your Gonzo credentials. Tell or show me in any way you like.

I don't plan by any means to rip-off the eXile, but if you aren't familiar with it there is a good chance you are wasting your time. This is a mission designed to offend the general public for about six months and then fail for millions of potential reasons, and we might even be able to make a dollar. Convince me you can work hard to deliver quality Gonzo journalism.

Oh man. I'm totally applying asking to write that column in The eXile where that dude has sex with a hooker and reports on how good she was.

Gonzo Staff Needed [Craigslist]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

April 03, 2007

Daniel McQuade Deathwatch: The Hunt Is On

If you missed the first edition of the Daniel McQuade Deathwatch, then you are missing out. To recap: Philadelphia Weekly is being sold. We don't know to who yet, but right now the frontrunner appears to be Village Voice Media (née New Times Media).

VVM reportedly doesn't want the other papers PW's parent company, Review Publishing, owns -- South Philly Review, Southwest Philly Review, Atlantic City Weekly. Perhaps Brian Tierney will snap those ones up instead; I don't know. But, for now, things are in some sort of holding pattern. Or not. We don't know here at PW!

But back on point: There is an outside -- read: definite -- chance that, under a new owner, I will be fired, or at least Philadelphia Will Do will be shut down. Some newspapers don't like the idea of a blog without much original reporting commenting on the news, as these blogs tend to be popular no matter how bad they are (e.g., Philadelphia Will Do) and newspaper companies can't have that.

Of course, I don't know if I'm going to be fired; it's mere conjecture on my part. Some of you might be saying, "But Dan" -- or, possibly, "D-Mac" -- "are you just doing this to perhaps shame your new bosses into not firing you?"

No... but... hmm. That's a good idea.

Continue reading "Daniel McQuade Deathwatch: The Hunt Is On"

Posted by D-Mac at 12:50 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

March 22, 2007

Write 'The Real Da Vinci Code'!

Hey, freelance writers! Do you want to be the next Dan Brown? Well, does Craigslist, that veritable treasure trove of post ideas on days I'm a little tired, have an offer for you!

The story so far....

In 1558., Nostradamus, writing to the King, included comments about the Chaldean System, (numerology). No author attempting to interpret the 'quatrains' ever noticed this; and without it, no accurate judgment can be made....

This system produced extraordinary results, which, were emphatically verified by senior researchers at Princeton University.

In addition, the details conform to current theory, including quantum physics, analytical psychology, archetypal mathematics, etc.

I will furnish other details after receiving your resume, and any other details you care to share....

I am sure this revolutionary breakthrough in numerology can only come from a Craigslist want ad. Get to it, people! After all, the only way we know of to contact the afterlife is a mass-produced plastic game from Parker Brothers.

Collaborator...excellent writing skills, non-fiction.... [Craigslist]
March 7: A Freelancer's Taste Of Anger

Posted by D-Mac at 03:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

December 05, 2006

Get Berated By Someone's Father For $100!

Although not all of our city's college students are the best students, it's safe to say that even the biggest collegiate slackers in Philadelphia make up what they lack in grades with ingenuity. Consider this Drexel or Penn student posting to Craigslist:

I am in a little bit of trouble with my parents, so I need someone to act like my college advisor and meet with my dad and talk to him about why I am staying in school for another year. I will provide all the information you need and I will tell you what to say.

He is a little bit pissed about it, so he may raise his voice a little, but it wont be too bad.

I will pay $100 for the whole thing plus any gas expenses if you need to travel by car.

Continue reading "Get Berated By Someone's Father For $100!"

Posted by D-Mac at 08:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 30, 2006

Leftovers: Albert Pujols, Septuagenarian

• Albert Pujols told reporters in the Dominican Republic that he should have won the MVP -- instead of Ryan Howard -- because he led his team to the playoffs even though the Cardinals won two fewer games than the Phillies. I think we should go easy on Pujols. Look: Sometimes as people get older -- say, in their mid-30s -- they begin to get a little senile and say stupid things. [AP/ESPN.com]

• Oh, and, yes, you guessed it: Albert Pujols is a candidate for Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Probably because he always puts the team in front of himself, so much so that he hit .200 in the World Series so his teammates could get all the glory. Yeah. I'm sure that's why he did it. [SI.com]

• I'll just quote the reader who sent this in: "I had to read this about four times before I figured out that he wasn't talking about Amish people in the title." [Craigslist]

• An Annapolis paper on our city's fine mayor, John Street: "Sporting a hairstyle not dissimilar to that of Don King, the flamboyant Philadelphia mayor sounded somewhat like the famous boxing promoter when he declared the city was prepared to make an effort to keep the Army-Navy game 'for all-time.'" Awesome. [The 700 Level]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 03, 2006

Hymen-Breaking News

Ladies, the adult film industry is looking for you. Well, if you meet one minor qualification.

We are looking for females with an interest in the adult film industry. Our production company is based in Los Angeles and is on the East Coast in search of fresh, untapped actresses. If you are in the Philadelphia area and interested in a great opportunity, please respond via e-mail with a listing of any related experience and a photo.

Eh, everyone's got a fetish.

Adult Film Opportunity - m4w [Craigslist]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

September 08, 2006

Cops Shocked To Find People Willing To Sell Sex

For the past three days, Bensalem police conducted a sting operation on Craigslist. And, instead of taking down the racists, bad spellers and people looking for "NSA fun," the cops instead went and arrested 12 alleged prostitutes and five alleged drug dealers.

The alleged hookers were advertising services for things like "125 ro$e$" on the site, and the Bucks County Courier Times says that some escorts even uploaded photos and videos of themselves to the site -- which clearly shows we all need to spend more time on Craigslist. The story continues:

Women, though, aren't the only ones using the Web site. Their customers are, too, like the man from Yardley who wants a “roseworthy” woman to meet him for “untranslated oral conversation” in his car. Or the two men in Doylestown looking for topless girls to serve as poker dealers.

When you advertise in the back of an alt-weekly (say, PW), escorts, you not only avoid the Bensalem police, but you also help pay my salary. It's, really, a win-win.

Cops: Sex for sale on craigslist [Bucks County Courier Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:38 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

August 21, 2006

Unmentionables... On Craigslist?

An ad currently on Craigslist (important parts bolded by me):

This 2-br apartment is completely new - I am the first tenant (just moved in), and you can be the second! 2nd and 3rd floors of a gutted and rehabbed rowhouse includes spacious kitchen/dining room and living room, with hardwood floors, dishwasher, central heat and a/c, washer/dryer in unit, free (not stolen!) wireless. You would have a medium-sized bedroom (8x13) AND a study room off of the kitchen (8x8). If you want the bigger bedroom that is possible too (for a higher share of the rent), but then I take the study. Parking in a secured driveway is available for additional $.

Located on a safe and quiet street, but extremely close to everything - less than a block to the Market Line, 2 blocks from Fresh Grocer, and very close to Penn and Drexel.

About me: I'm a male (late-)20-something academic, fun-loving but reasonably quiet and clean. I'm into cooking, sports (both playing (ultimate) and watching (baseball)), and one other thing which I can't mention on Craigslist (but you can (try to) mention in your reply).

About you: Essentially, you're like me. (Well, not *exactly* like me; that would just be weird.) I guess I could care less if you're into sports, but if you cook that would be awesome, as we can trade off cooking dinner, and the unmentionable thing could be pretty key.

Hmm, wow. Something you can't talk about on Craigslist? Hmm, so that means it's not racism, most of your garden variety sexual fetishes, etc. Saying it's something you can't mention on Craigslist kind of narrows it down to human trafficking, eating puppies or being a serial killer.

A tipster writes in:

So, let's take a bet on what this guy is referring to. I vote for eating shit.

Hmm, coprophilia's not a bad guess, but I'm kind of leaning toward our twentysomething academic being a furry. Feel free to submit your best guesses via email or the comments.

$550 Brand new 2-br to share! (male strongly preferred) [Craigslist]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:31 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

August 14, 2006

Sounds Like Someone Got Cockblocked By Pat Burrell

If you want to meet Pat the Bat [Craigslist]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:20 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

July 18, 2006

Sometimes, It Can Be Too Big

The following is an ad currently on Craigslist:

i HAVE A 3 FOOT AMERICAN ALLIGATOR ALWAYS HANDLED . HE'S JUST GETTING TO BIG FOR MY SPACE . IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED PLEASE LET ME KNOW

I just came up with a new personal rule: Don't buy alligators from people who type in all caps.

AMERICAN ALLIGATOR [Craigslist]
Photo by Fritz Geller-Grimm, licensed via Creative Commons

Posted by D-Mac at 02:15 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

July 17, 2006

Leftovers: Medicine... man?

• This is stupid, even for this site, but it's making me giggle, so you have to suffer, too. From the Scranton Times-Tribune: "Matthew A. Quinn, a 1999 Scranton Preparatory School graduate, received his juris doctorate degree from the University of Pennsylvania School of Law and a certificate of study in business and public policy from the Wharton School at commencement ceremonies in Philadelphia on May 15. ¶ Dr. Quinn received a bachelor of arts degree with distinction in political science from Pennsylvania State University, where he was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa." Tee hee. [The Times-Tribune]

• Every day, Craigslist makes us feel better and worse about humanity, all in one instant. It's like Las Vegas! For example, this post from Missed Connections: "I was walking down girard at 3am trying to get home when these three black guys drove by in an impala (the new lame ones) and started sexually harrassing to me. One of them tryed to grabe me and I ran but then all three got out and grabed me, ripping my shirt vehemently. ¶ Then this little indie rock guy boy came out of nowhere. snaps were exchanged and he challenged them to a rap battel-which he won! (his flow was off but his rhymes were fresh and those black guys couldn't rap at all which was uncanny because I thought all black guys could drop mad lyrics on command)." [Craigslist]

• Since we're just quoting, quoting, quoting, let's continue. Australia is now using Barry Manilow music to try to chase away car enthusiasts. The deputy mayor says: "We have tried to reduce the sound and we are reviewing the songs. I don't mind Marry Manilow, but I'm more of an ABBA and Celine Dion fan." Every word of that quote is kind of ridiculously awesome. [AP/CNN.com]

• Dan Gross reports today that Robert Esche doesn't want Mexicans in South Philly, either. (Well, pretty much.) Are there any athletes in this town who aren't tremendous assholes? [Daily News]

• Our violence level in Philly hit a new low today, as three people were killed in 21 minutes. [Inquirer]

• We're up to 97, people! Go, go, go! [AccuWeather]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

July 12, 2006

Bonus! Our Fave Craigslist Postings Of The Day

• Are you looking for a new job? NBC 10 has an opening for an online news editor! The station is looking for someone "to write local stories, blogs, podcasts(from TV scripts, wire copy and interviews) and produce multimedia for NBC 10 (WCAU), located in the TV newsroom in, Bala Cynwyd, near Philadelphia." Wait... online news editor... blogs... oh shit! Does this mean the end of Teresa Masterson?!?! Update: Hmm. It seems not. Phew.

• One of the best missed connections the world will ever read: "it seemed like we were hitting it off. but then I disappeared for a while and we didn't get a chance to exchange numbers. you were tall, blond hair, wearing an abercrombie tank top. I was the girl in the blue halter top, who had sex with your friend."

• Premium Mortgage is looking for a bilingual loan officer to give a loan to some very large Mexican immigrants who are going to hit Joe Vento over the head with foam bats.

• Someone searching for Craigslist for Hippies: "We are wondering if anyone knows of any similar types of websites like craigslist but with a kind of alternative slant to it, by alternative, we mean things like eco friendly, alternative energy, new agey, peace loving, spiritual, yoga, vegetarian, meditation, etc.. you get the picture." Yes, because Craigslist is just spewing out carbon into the air 24/7, y'know?

• And, finally, a note from Raj Bhakta: "In response to Senator Biden's callous remarks, the Raj for Congress campaign is asking you for $7.11." Uhh, sure dude. Whatever.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 20, 2006

Leftovers: South Jersey Grows Up

• Guess who's the newest addition to Craigslist? Well, I don't know, but South Jersey now has a CL of its own. Can Philadelphia's Craigslist take on "Philly Craigslist, now Jersey trash-free!" as a slogan? Please? [CL SJ via Phillyist]

• A Delaware man got a $15,000 gas bill by mistake and almost had a heart attack, he says. On the plus side, well... the utility company is "working" with him to refund his money. (They also took 2K from his bank account.) Something tells me this story won't have a happy ending. [6 ABC]

• "Neighborhood taverns" -- which make less than 10 percent of their money on food sales -- are now considering whether to go smoke-free or close on Sundays for Eagles games. [KYW 1060]

• In case you're wondering, Charles Barkley likes Gnarls Barkley. [Daily News]

• Some schools are replacing Munchkins and cake with celery and fruit. Since I'm done school now, I only have one thing to say: Ha ha ha!

Posted by D-Mac at 04:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 19, 2006

Duck Caretakers Can See Into Your Soul

There's an interesting pet ad on Craigslist right now:

Wildlife care facility in Roxborough looking to place an adorable, friendly domestic duck to a good home with a pond and other ducks. It is a juvenile, flightless domestic black duck. It needs the companionship of other ducks. Free to any good home that meets the requirements. If you plan to do any harm to this duck, don't bother contacting us because I will be able to tell when I interview you.

Don't you dare go into your interview holding a Nintendo zapper. She'll know you're not a fan of Hogan's Alley.

Domestic Duck free to good home [Craigslist]

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May 08, 2006

Also, There's This Thing Called An 'Internet Search Engine.' Some Popular Ones Are 'Google' And 'Yahoo!' You Might Want To Try One Of Them.

A posting on Craigslist:

Uh, y'know what? You'll be happier being in the dark on this one.

What is a blog? Can anyone tell me? [Craigslist]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

May 01, 2006

Leftovers: My Pet Goat

• Animal lover? (Not in that way, you perv.) There are two cute goats -- well, cute for goats -- for sale on Craigslist. Probably not something you're allowed to have in a Center City condo, though. [Craigslist]

• Dan Gross admits today to not being William Safire. I, for one, am very confused about the discussion we had about writing speeches for Richard Nixon the other night, then! [DN, second item]

• Ahh, but of course, who can forget the time when Babe Ruth saved a Kensington ballfield by playing in a charity game there. This is a pretty awesome story, actually. They should make a movie out of it. Just, uh, don't put John Goodman in it. [Inky]

• Here's the Stephen Colbert video at the White House Press Corps dinner, which isn't as funny as everyone's saying it is, but it's not bad. [YouTube]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

April 25, 2006

Blogicized: It Is The East, And Craigslist Is The Sun

• Craigslist personals have gone poetic. And people say the Internet isn't the greatest invention ever. [Suburban Guerilla]

• Steve Martarano has returned to 610 WIP alongside The Cuz (sigh), and with him he brings this fact: Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder is Via Sikahema's nephew. Awesome. [The 700 Level]

• Speaking sports, the Phillies jumped out to a 6-2 lead and held on by a run for their first two-game winning streak at home. Whoo! Start the parade down Broad right now, babeeee! [Phillies Nation]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)