August 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers' abortion columns are just as annoying as her other ones. Shocking, I know.

Elmer Smith: Boy, reforming DHS would be a good idea.

Jill Porter: Yes, Jill Porter is very angry Larry Mendte won't be going to jail. Hence the problem with any sort of prison reform in this country, since we just love locking up people.

This column also includes seven rhetorical questions in eight sentences at one point. This is kind of a feel-good column, though, because it reminds me I'm not the kind of person who would feel better if a TV anchor who spied on his coworker's email went to prison for several months.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Yes, there are scam artists in Philadelphia.

Christine Flowers: "I'm sorry, but the brothers and sisters of Danieal don't deserve one penny of our taxes. This is blood money that would be derived directly from the screams and the spasms of their sister." Ha ha, Christine Flowers is awesome.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2008

Philly.com Comment Of The Day

"tarnished career" is a term made up by the media to sell stories let the man live.....I bet if NY Times said we want you....You'd go and it would "tarnish your career" This proves that a women's place is in the kitchen... *slaps Christine on the ass* Now go make me my dinner woman!

That's on Christine Flowers' Friday column, which was about Brett Favre, so I didn't read it. Why Flowers is writing about the new Jets quarterback, and what her point is, I do not know. Please don't tell me.

Another commenter writes: "christine i find you very attractive woman-lonewolf." Yes, every woman gets harassed on the Internet, you should all know this by now.

Update: For pending additional comment hilarity, I suggest you follow this thread.

Christine M. Flowers: VERY BAD BRETT [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers hates cops, and the homeless.

Elmer Smith: Apparently, gambling is the only industry where all the money goes right to the legislature and the rich people who help them get re-elected. Oh, wait, that's every industry.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:37 AM | Comments (0)

July 25, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Get this: Some outrages in other countries receive more attention than others! Also, apparently wanting to end the Cuban embargo is the equivalent of burning down the White House.

Jill Porter: Porter found something hilarious on the city's website! Apparently, when deputy L&I commissioner Eileen Evans isn't sending L&I officials to bust hippies, "She is a firmly committed Christian and seeks to have biblical principles govern her life-style and her decisions." At least that's what it said on phila.gov.

Porter was offended, naturally, and took it to the ACLU to have them get offended, too. But, whoops! The ACLU didn't care. Fortunately, the Anti-Defemation League was there to pick up the ball and run with it.

Posted by D-Mac at 06:49 AM | Comments (2)

July 18, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Cops chased a puppy for an hour and caught him.

Christine Flowers: I love when Christine Flowers writes about Obama being snobby. (Or, rather, his supporters, but that's also his fault.) I have to assume it's some sort of super-meta-ironic irony. Right? Right???

Posted by D-Mac at 08:52 AM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Okay, she did a column on diversity that, while simply pointing out the obvious, didn't include any lies (as far as I can tell) and wasn't completely bonkers! I think she has, like, two of these in the past few weeks. Baby steps, baby steps.

Jill Porter: Bedbugs! On the parkway! Looks like getting rid of DDT wasn't the best idea after all. Stupid Jake Roberts.

Elmer Smith: Hey, it's about Jesse Jackson's "gaffe" about Barack Obama. If you want me to read this column and summarize it, press 1. If not, press 2. Okay, moving on.

John Baer: Ha ha, the state legislature is corrupt. (NB to Baer: You should just write about how corrupt the legislature is all the time. I feel like those columns are always awesome.)

Posted by D-Mac at 09:12 AM | Comments (2)

July 03, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

It's a special pair of patriotism columns by Michael Smerconish ("Kenny Gamble's patriotic tune") and Christine Flowers ("Patriotism, not partisanship"). The best kind of holiday is on a Friday, because then the Daily News doesn't publish and we get Smerconish and Flowers on the same day!

But first, security guards are stealing 10 dollars from people at Penn's Landing. Neat, huh?

Ronnie Polaneczky: No, really: "According to a couple of staffers I spoke with yesterday at the Independence Seaport Museum, tourists routinely complain about the $10 permit fee they say they've been told, by the guards, must be paid if they want to snap pics on Penn's Landing." The hell?

Michael Smerconish: The late Father Divine (who Wikipedia eloquently says "controversially claimed to be God">) inspired Kenny Gamble's new song "I Am An American." Obviously.

Christine Flowers: I knew this column was going to be vomit-inducing when I read the headline. Christine Flowers tells Barack Obama to condemn what people on blogs wrote about John McCain. Obama, as you know, reads every blog on the Internet. (Hi, Barry! We go play hoop sometime.)

She also writes:

Now think what would have happened if Jefferson and Adams weighed the pros and cons of declaring independence, and settled for known comforts as opposed to the uncertainty of what rebellion might bring. And what if George Washington, serene on his farm in Virginia, refused to put on the uniform once more in the service of a noble dream?

These were heroes, despite their human flaws and the relentless criticism they've attracted in our oh-so-more-"enlightened" age.

Relentless criticism? Yeah, like that recent New York Times bestseller John Adams Was A Child Molester or the recent CBS special "George Washington: History's Worst President." Or maybe Flowers is referencing this PW cover story. I don't know.

Photo by kb35, Creative Commons license

Posted by D-Mac at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, look, it's a sarcastic (and incredibly annoying) column on the Supreme Court DC gun ban ruling!

Christine Flowers: Hey, look, it's a sarcastic (and incredibly annoying) column on the Supreme Court DC gun ban ruling with the added bonus of a random attack on contraception.

Elmer Smith: This column shows some staggering statistics in the number of people in this city who won't graduate high school. Sad, even. So let's just quote the headline and make fun of it: "Can bureaucracies together stem dropout tide?" Umm, I'm going to have to guess: No.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:49 AM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: He thinks your vote matters.

Jill Porter: Hey, apparently -- and I know this is kinda wild -- people have the right to protest police procedures without being detained by the police.

Dave Davies: Ha ha, here's a whole column about how L&I never comes out for anything but did come out for these protesters of police brutality. It's probably my favorite column by anyone so far this year.

Okay, besides that Christine Flowers column where she defended police brutality and then the next week claimed no one defended police brutality.

Christine Flowers: If you vote for president on any issue besides the Supreme Court, you're wrong, stupid! Anyway, Flowers thinks the federal government should be able to lock up anyone it chooses for no reason. Are you surprised?

Posted by D-Mac at 08:18 AM | Comments (0)

June 13, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Grrar, I want the state to kill people for me!

Jill Porter: It's a heartwarming story, Father's Day edition!

Elmer Smith: The DRPA is going to raise tolls because it gives away all its money to stupid causes. Also, I like Elmer Smiths's censored tagline: "Send e-ma*l to sm*thel@ph*llynews.com or call 215-854-2512. For recent columns: http://go.ph*lly.com/sm*th."

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (1)

June 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Ha ha, all the politicians in the state legislature don't want to lose their seats so they gerrymander their districts. Because they're politicians.

Christine Flowers: OMG there's a Catholic priest who Flowers doesn't like! He said mean things about white people, though, so there's your explanation.

Stu Bykofsky: Apparently everybody is just coming up to Stu Bykofsky (on the street?) and asking him what's going to happen to Larry Mendte because he just knows the biz.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Oh, there's only one column today! An excellent start to the week.

Stu Bykofsky: Okay, so this column is about Stu's love of Sex and the City. Or, erhm, something like that? I think it's a humor column, maybe. Let's just jump right to the ending:

I even met a Manayunk woman who told me straight off, "I'm Samantha."

I took her home, where she scared the hell out of me.

I guess I wasn't Big enough.

Uhm... yeah. I knew the Daily News would print anything -- after all, the paper runs Christine Flowers -- but this is... uhm... yeah, let's just move on.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:54 AM | Comments (4)

May 30, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Hey, apparently "not allowing atheists and gays in your group" is "fighting back against political correctness." Flowers leaves out of this column a part about how the local Boy Scout council had to rescind their nondiscrimination policy due to the national group, but, hey, she's trying to make a point. Gotta leave out those facts that don't support the cause!

Elmer Smith: Yes, let's help the homeless, especially the ones with mental illness.

Jill Porter: The city has owned a camp in East Stroudsburg since the 1950s. Now it's closing, apparently.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:56 AM | Comments (12)

May 23, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: OH. MY. GOD.

This is from Christine Flowers, today:

Let's be clear: No one defends police brutality. The days when stick-wielding predators could march into a neighborhood and bash heads with impunity are, if they ever truly existed, over.

This is from Christine Flowers, exactly two weeks ago:

My suggestion: Let's ignore the unfortunates who got slapped around a bit because they were up to no good.

Yeah, no one but Christine Flowers! Oh. My. God. From now on, I'm going on the assumptions that (1) the Daily News has no editorial page editors and (2) Christine Flowers is the worst person ever. Oh, wait, I was already doing that.

(By the way, the "if it ever existed" part is freaking hilarious. One could say it's a defense of police brutality itself. Please, never stop writing, Christine Flowers.)

Elmer Smith: Wow, who knew Elmer Smith was in such a big fan of Texas authorities taking kids away from their parents -- despicable as they may be -- and "rooting" on the people who did it? But wait, now he's not sure about it!

Jill Porter: The best part of this column is when Porter writes that she wanted to talk to the two people involved, but couldn't find their phone numbers.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:32 AM | Comments (0)

May 16, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: You see, the joke here is that Flowers is very dismissive and elitist in her columns, and here she's criticizing elitism among Democrats. What do you mean she's dead serious?

Elmer Smith: "The prudent politician would sooner French-kiss a snaggletoothed crocodile than hear his name and the words 'tax hike' in the same sentence." Mhmm, yes.

Jill Porter: This is some sort of heartwarming story.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:30 AM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: I don't even have the strength to mock these columns anymore. It's not even that I disagree with Flowers; it's like she's intentionally writing absolutely stupid, awful arguments just to piss me off. What's next, a whole column about Gossip Girl?

Elmer Smith: Sorry, national media! Ain't no riots going to happen here!

Jill Porter: Something about Toll Bros. houses being auctioned off or something. I dunno.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:51 PM | Comments (4)

May 02, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Okay, this column is about gay marriage and Flowers doesn't like it because the Bible says so and blah, blah, blah. But she actually makes some decent points earlier in the column about arrogance -- I guess that's what I'll call it -- even though they're framed in typical annoying Flowers-speak. It's been a while since Flowers wrote a column that wasn't 100 percent nonsensical. What a weird day.

Elmer Smith: Hey, here's more on prison overcrowding. Nice column, actually. And, look, the deputy mayor sounds awesome! "We do not want to spend money locking up people who are nonviolent just to perpetuate the illusion that that this will make us safer."

Jill Porter: Joey Vento, Rev. Wright, "sickness of the soul." FAIL.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:16 PM | Comments (2)

April 25, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Oh, man, Christine Flowers is writing today about an even more oppressed group than white people: Catholics! Yes, the Pope recently made his fake apology for sexual abuse (if he really cared he'd return Cardinal Law to the U.S.), and so you're not allowed to make fun of Catholics. Specifically, you can't call the Pope a Nazi, even though he was in Hitler Youth.

"Catholics are probably the last acceptable targets of thoughtless mass prejudice," she writes, apparently unaware that, uhm, lots of white people hate black people. But this is a woman who wants to execute kids, so who knows. Oh, and then at the end of this column she calls for Bill Maher to be killed by vigilante justice. Ha ha!

Elmer Smith: Blablabla I dunno, it's some Democrat-specific column that I don't really care to read.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:49 AM | Comments (9)

April 11, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Now that everybody loves Chelsea Clinton because she's older and got plastic surgery, she should probably talk to the press. Or at least we should be allowed to joke about how her mom is pimping her out. Right?

John Baer: Ahh, yes, the youth vote is what people always talk about before the election, then no kids vote at all.

Flavia Colgan: No joking about Bill and HIllary -- what's up with that Colombian trade deal!

Okay, so all of the above columns were fine. In fact, they were all so good enough that there wasn't even really much to make fun of. Yes, sometimes that happens. (John Baer's columns are usually the hardest to make fun of in a sentence or two.)

And now... it's time for... The Oppressed White Person Revue. Here's your host, Christine Flowers!

Christine Flowers: Ahh, yes, so after last week's column where she called for the execution of juveniles and said that punching someone and having them die was the same morally as shooting that person with intent to kill -- I want to know where she goes to church! -- she returns to her favorite topic: The Duke rape case!

Yes, the Duke rape (or, rather, lack of rape) has finally returned to Flowers' column! The column's pretty boring and is about how oppressed the white man is. Of course, she also says that the subway homicide wasn't about race, the exact opposite of last week, when she wrote the cops should file hate crime charges. Boy, we white people sure have it tough keeping things straight.

Of course, sadly, besides the Duke rape case mention, this column wasn't even out there. Geeze, guys! Flowers writes about the Duke rape case and doesn't really say anything of note and Jill Porter makes an argument that's not about candy disguised as crack. Most boring Abridged Daily News Columnists ever.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:47 AM | Comments (3)

April 01, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Hey, Barack Obama could win Pennsylvania. Too bad there's still over 20 days 'til the election.

Ronni Polaneczky: Ahh, yes, what we really need is more people being online vigilantes and more people on Digg.

Fatmiah Ali: Oh, look, it's an "open letter" to the parents of the kids who killed that dude on the subway. Ooh, it's not even worth getting into.

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers is already complaining the white man is being denied justice due to the dude being killed in the subway. Already! And the Daily News printed it!

Elmer Smith: I don't summarize columns that begin with quotes from Swiss philosopher Henri Amiel. Long story.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:58 AM | Comments (9)

March 21, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: See, my church hates gays, but that's okay because a line in a book originally meant for Jews told us to hate gays. (And clothes made from more than one fabric, but we ignore that one.) Anyway, Barack Obama's pastor hates white people, and that's not allowed.

John Baer: Hey, why isn't Arlen Specter paying attention to the causes some letter-writer wants him to?

Jill Porter: Sleazebags!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:21 AM | Comments (2)

March 07, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: I won't have to fight in Walnuts McCain's 100 more years of war, so he's the candidate for me! He's the candidate for adults, which is why he laughs at medical marijuana users in wheelchairs!

Jill Porter: This is about the end of a TV show, but it's on HBO, so it's cool to like it. Wake me when they make a Sopranos movie.

Elmer Smith: Carol Campbell is still going to vote for Obama with her superdelegate powers that make her vote worth more than most other Democrats.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:26 AM | Comments (1)

February 22, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Oh, it's Christine Flowers on Obama. Let's find the stupidest quote and laugh at it, usual. No, wait, it's a fake conversation between Michelle and Barack Obama. Oh, this is supposed to be "funny." Aw, cute.

Jill Porter: And the Jill Porter Award for Most Awkward Transition of the Day goes to... Jill Porter!

Thus the feverish glee of TV and radio talk-show hosts yesterday with the arrival of fresh meat regarding the presumptive GOP presidential nominee.

And who wouldn't rather devour fresh meat than, say, worry about whether our own schoolchildren devoured some of the tainted meat from a California slaughterhouse?

Elmer Smith: Oh, yea, now that Castro's dead or whatever, we should probably let people visit Cuba and such. Right?

Posted by D-Mac at 09:25 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

February 05, 2008

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Rendell's gonna introduce his budget today to, uh, raucous applause?

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, look, there are paramedics who want to work for Philadelphia, but for some reason we don't let them.

Oh, boy... here we go. Both on the same day? Clearly, the Daily News is trying to kill me.

Christine Flowers: "Republicans are smarter." No, really, that's the point of her column.

Fatimah Ali: "[These cartoons are] sharp reminders of who the Clintons really are - people who will say and do anything to get elected."

Seriously, if I tried to summarize either of those my head might explode.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)