July 15, 2008

Utley To Yankees Fans: 'Boo? Fuck You!'

Chase Utley was booed at the home run derby last night, and fortunately was caught on the mike telling Yankees fans what he felt. "Go fuck yourself" might have been a better thing to say, but we'll have to settle with what he said. (Because we can't handle the word fuck in print, the Daily News for some reason prints "(bleep) you." Seriously, guys?)

If you watched last night's home run derby, you no doubt saw ex-drug addict Josh Hamilton hit 28 homers in the first round. Hamilton got off drugs in part by finding Jesus. This led 700-time Sportswriter of the Year Rick Reilly to say, "It's a lousy night to be an atheist." Since Hamilton is Christian, was it also a bad night to be a Muslim or Jew? (The difference is: If Reilly had said, "This is the worst night for Jews since Kristallnacht," he would have been fired.)

Reilly is, of course, correct: God rarely interferes in human events anymore, but he does every once in a while help a Christian in the early rounds of a home-run hitting contest or two. Every once in a while he even helps them break storied records, like Bobby Abreu's historic total of 24, which has stood for an immeasurable amount of time (three years). I've always thought it was kind of weird that God interferes in exhibition contests (that aren't even a baseball game) and not, say, the postseason, but who am I to question? He's God.

Once you get to the finals, though, you're on your own. Hamilton hit just three homers in the final round and lost to Justin Morneau, who was promptly called the wrong name. But, ha, ha, Chase Utley cursed on live TV before the game, which really gives a way better high than heroin.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:31 AM | Comments (3)

February 12, 2008

Get Rich Quick Via Jesus Scheme Fails

Sometimes when sophomoric news/media sites like mine get bored, I'll do a post that's essentially "this thing looks like this thing." Ha ha, funny. But when certain types of people who are big into Jesus get bored sometimes, they play a game that's called "this thing looks like Jesus."

In Bensalem, a furniture maker found an image of Jesus in a fig tree (at right). It also looks like a ghoul, a character in a Tim Burton animated film and, most definitely, that one prisoner at Abu Ghraib.

Oh, it actually looks a lot like that! Maybe Robert Gates ordered some soldiers to go back in time and mess with Jesus. That seems kind of unlikely, though. Maybe God is letting us know that torture is bad? That seems unlikely, too; this is America, after all. This is the country Jesus founded himself!

Craig O'Connor says it definitely looks like Jesus, claiming "an adrenaline rush" when he saw it. But since he forgot to go to the media before trying to sell his Jesus wood on eBay, it only got a top bid of $500. The Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich got a lot more moolah. Oh, I see: Jesus appears in things so we can get rich! I believe Jesus was big into getting rich, like that time when he said to throw away all your possessions.

Man finds image of biblical proportions [Bucks County Courier Times]

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February 11, 2008

Men Protest Naked Women

Last Ash Wednesday, Milford Township in Bucks County held a meeting about a proposed strip club in the township. The go-go bar actually just went and opened on Dec. 14 of last year, claiming Milford's zoning is unconstitutional and neener neener you can't do anything about it.

Anyway, over 100 people packed the meeting and the owner of Coyotes strip club was escorted in by a security detail. There were also a group of anti-porn male activists in attendance; the group is called King's Men, brought signs decrying porn (for some reason) and are probably the coolest people on the face of the planet, since they're men in an anti-porn activism group.

The strip club is BYOB and its bartenders "have formal training in detecting intoxicated patrons," The Intelligencer reports. Also, apparently the Republican state rep for the area is all against naked ladies, too:

Republican state Rep. Paul Clymer, whose 145th District includes Milford, said the club could cause a ripple effect of crime in the area. "They're going to fill customers up with pornography, sex and alcohol. How are they going to keep them from going out and becoming destructive in the community?" asked Clymer.

The article doesn't say whether Clymer offered any studies or reports of the effect of a strip club on an area, but of course the people protesting don't really care if there are studies saying strip clubs inflate property values 300 percent. And neither do I!

Oh, and a ton of people were heckling the strip club owner while wearing their ashes from services earlier that day. Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.

Hearing on Coyotes strip club attracts throng [The Intelligencer via Philly EDGE]
Photo via David Garrett, The Intelligencer

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January 31, 2008

Man Commits Sin In Church

The Trentonian -- cute headline, guys, though I'm not quite sure what he was "preying" on -- reports today a civilian employee of the New Jersey state police has been arrested for allegedly looking at porn on a nun's computer in Hamilton.

Thomas G. Findler, 42, was arrested after a sexton caught him looking at porn on the Episcopalian nun's computer. Then, for some reason, he chased him out of the building.

The suspect had been logging on overnight to “hotyoungteens” and other fetish Web sites in a nun’s office at Grace St. Paul Episcopal Church (3715 East State Street), according to police and the maintenance man.

John Jones, the 35-year-old sexton (maintenance man) at Grace St. Paul, said he flushed out the intruder upon arriving at work about 8:30 a.m. yesterday.

“He said he was just looking at the computer,” Jones said, “but he was looking at porn.”

Continue reading "Man Commits Sin In Church"

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January 02, 2008

Scranton Priest Only An Alleged Liar

The Daily News today updates the story of the priest who didn't molest me and lets everyone know that while most people are just finding out about the alleged evil pedo priest now, Ryan High School has known about it forever! And so, you know, they fixed everything already and don't let principals steal hundreds of thousands of dollars.

In other priest news, another priest was arrested due to a grand jury investigation, only this one is charged with lying to the grand jury, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.

The Rev. Joseph F. Sica allegedly lied to a grand jury regarding his relationship with reputed mobster (!) Russell Bufalino. Sica said under oath he didn't know Bufalino, and then the grand jury heard about how the two were actually friends. Whoops!

Bufalino attended a party celebrating Sica's ordination as a priest. A photo of that occasion shows Sica with Bufalino and his wife. A note with the keepsake picture reads: "Dear Russ & Carrie – Words cannot express my thankfulness to both of you! You have done a lot for me and you mean a lot to me. Rest assured of my continued love and prayers. Love Joe." Sica also reportedly wrote a letter in 1982 to then-Pennsylvania First Lady Ginny Thornburgh, seeking her help in getting Bufalino out of jail.

Hey, this is actually pretty refreshing; finally, a priest whose bad deeds didn't involve having sex with a kid!

[Photo via PoconoNews.net]

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December 05, 2007

The Next Fox News Story Before You Know It

These stories usually start with something like this, just a small article in the newspaper. Today's Burlington County Times contains a small article about a group of praying moms asked to leave school property.

The group of moms began praying for Hawthorne Elementary School after a gun was fired outside another New Jersey elementary school. Oh, and the school called the police on the parents, so you know the Drudge Report is getting ready to link this. Of course, here's the part that won't get mentioned:

Three of the women, including Vaughn, are former employees at Hawthorne Elementary School. Vaughn said the three women were dismissed from their jobs as paraprofessionals at the end of last school year.

Also, they're apparently blocking people from going into the school or something. This is really the best way to get back at your old employer.

Praying moms asked to leave [Burlington County Times]

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November 27, 2007

Million March 4 God Continuing Impressive Rhetoric

It appears the Million March 4 God plans are going as swimmingly as usual:

Let's make a point. If I am wearing a cross, does that make you want to change your religion? A sane person will say no, of course not. An insane person may claim to hear voices. We do not accord insane people the same liberties as the sane. [...] Liberalism folks. It's a mental disorder. Again, we do not accord the same liberties of the insane as that of the sane.

So today we are coining yet another new phrase for you to fight with,"We do not accord the same liberties to insane people as we do the sane", turn around from them and walk away. Use this every time you hear one of these nut jobs speak. If they write, send them a nice little letter with that phrase. It's powerful.

Be sure to check out the blog's other post, titled "Crushing the unbelievers has never been so much fun", which I can only assume from the title is about Jesus' message of forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance. Who would Jesus crush?

Winning back the battle [MM4G Blog]

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November 20, 2007

Elmer's Glue Vandalizes NE Philly Churches

Up in Northeast Philly, a bunch of churches were vandalized by somebody (probably punk kid atheists) putting glue on the locks.

Somebody went up and down Tyson Avenue in Tacony/Mayfair, gluing the locks and breaking keys off in the doors of eight churches. How many churches are there in this town? I feel like there's one for every resident. Anyway, guess who apparently got left alone: Catholic churches. Yeah, somebody managed to vandalize eight churches in Mayfair and not hit one Catholic church. That has to be intentional.

Here's the head of the Tacony Baptist Church: "It’s really comical. They keyed that door and instead of jumping up and down smoking, I just thank God, because the devil is trying to tell us we are doing something right for the Lord."

Hey, turning the other cheek? I thought Christians weren't in to that anymore. Anyway, the best part of this story is definitely the graphic KYW 1060 came up with. Did they really use Elmer's glue? Or am I just supposed to work a Barbaro joke in here?

Vandals Keep Phila. Worshippers Stuck in the Cold [KYW 1060]
Oct. 29: Graffiti Vandalizes School [6 ABC]

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November 15, 2007

Jesus Himself To Attend Million March 4 God

Well, I broke my rule. Yes, I traveled more than two blocks to cover an event. But this was no ordinary event. This was the press conference for the Million March for God.

I'm relatively sure I was the only member of the news media ("news" "media") at the event, though there were three cameras and one of them could have been filming for one of the local TV stations. Nonetheless, there was a good-sized crowd at the National Constitution Center auditorium, because a group of schoolkids from Washington DC private school were brought to fill in seats, which one of the speakers called a "miracle."

Despite the strong language on the event's website, most of the speeches at the event were mainly about vague (but good) concepts like health, education, welfare (the noun, not the program). There was no mention of modern medicine.

Continue reading "Jesus Himself To Attend Million March 4 God"

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November 14, 2007

God's Warriors Not So Proficient In HTML, Photoshop

The above is the official website of the Million March 4 God, an event apparently so important the organizers decided not to get a real website or spellcheck anything. The event will be officially introduced tomorrow at Independence Mall. (The march will take place in DC, though.)

The MM4G is organized by Joel Cody, who was also part of the Guardian Angels, Live Aid and Hands Across America, all other equally annoying events and groups. The Daily News summarizes the event as encouraging a law to mandate insurance for handguns, pushing to require annual mental health checks for guns -- these previous two planks have about as much chance of happening as I have being elected Pope -- and asking churches to provide in-house medical care.

Continue reading "God's Warriors Not So Proficient In HTML, Photoshop"

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October 09, 2007

Calvinism And Wharton, Together At Last

An Overheard-in-[Wherever] conversation between two Wharton kids.

Student 1: So, you were at a hedge fund over the summer, right? [Envious]

Student 2: Well, the thing is, I would've had to split my time. You know, I just felt it would take too much from all the other things in my life.
Student 1: Wait, so you didn't take the job?!?
Student 2: No. I mean, a lot of things happened this summer. I really had a lot of eye-opening experiences.
Student 1: [Still baffled that he didn't take the hedge fund internship]
Student 2: I mean, life-changing. I became a Calvinist.

After all, who could turn down a religion where the founder is just so stylish!

Overheard: Wharton students [cherdt's journal]

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October 03, 2007

Phillies To Take On Rockies, God

Well, guys, the Phillies might not have much of a chance in the series against the Rockies. I know, I know; you can be excited, but there isn't much of a chance for the Phillies to win.

The Rockies, you see, have God on their side:

No copies of Playboy or Penthouse are in the clubhouse of baseball's Colorado Rockies. There's not even a Maxim. The only reading materials are daily newspapers, sports and car magazines and the Bible. Music filled with obscenities, wildly popular with youth today and in many other clubhouses, is not played. A player will curse occasionally but usually in hushed tones. Quotes from Scripture are posted in the weight room. Chapel service is packed on Sundays. Prayer and fellowship groups each Tuesday are well-attended. It's not unusual for the front office executives to pray together.

Yes! An article in USA Today last year wrote about how after a Rockies pitcher was arrested for soliciting a prostitute a few years ago, the team decided to only sign guys of character. (Because sex between consenting adults is a horrible thing; you think they'd want to sign players who were smart enough to not get arrested for soliciting a prostitute, especially since they're rich.)

So, anyway, I don't know if the Phillies need to make a deal with the devil to win, but it does seem like they're going to have a tough time playing against Angels in the outfield.

Baseball's Rockies seek revival on two levels {USA Today]

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August 29, 2007

Awesomest Lead Ever

God might be ever-present but representatives from the Roman Catholic Church were auspiciously absent from Monday night's Bensalem Council meeting.

Church absent from cemetery hearing [Bucks Co. Courier Times]

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Preacher Who Sucked Cock Invites Gays To Church

Across the river in Jersey, they do have the gay civil unions, due to a state Supreme Court ruling and subsequent law passed. But not everyone is on board, and not just the Catholics.

The pastor of the Cumberland County Community Church put up a sign advertising "Help for the homosexual" at his service this weekend, and NBC 10 was kind enough to go interview him about how much he hates the gays.

Turns out -- and here's a shocker! -- the speaker delivering this speech, Greg Quinlan, is gay himself. Well, okay, he's "ex-gay," and believes he can turn people from same-sex attraction to the Lord because he repressed it well enough, didn't he?

The church's pastor says, hey, anybody can be ex-gay if you just pray hard enough! "He has been set free, and because he has been set free in Christ, others can be set free also." Yeah, yeah. NBC 10 even interviewed some dudes on the street, and came up with an excellent closing line:

"I think they should help gay people so they can stop being gay," Joel Ortiz, of Millville, said.

"I think that's pretty misleading. I guess, because I don't believe that can happen," Saida Sawyer, of Morristown, N.J., said.

[The pastor] said he is simply teaching the truth. Others, though, said his ideas of faith are filled with fiction.

Church Sign Offers To 'Help' Gays [NBC 10]

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August 20, 2007

You Can Own A Little Slice Of Goo Gio God

Yes, you may now purchase the "God" eggplant on eBay! (Eggplant slices, you will note, cost $20 to ship.) The "Holy Eggplant" -- as the sellers have dubbed it with great sacrilege -- has an opening bid of $1,000, and will most certainly be purchased by an online casino or something, closing the chapter on the greatest miracle of all time.

Holy "God" Eggplant [eBay]

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August 16, 2007

God Communicating Solely Through Eggplants

Earlier this week we were introduced to the "GOO" or "GIO" eggplant, which some people also said might spell "GOD." One wonders why, exactly, God would chose to communicate through Solanum melongena, instead of the more traditional forms of prophets, Bibles and sleazy TV evangelists. But one also can't really question the Big G. I mean, what are you gonna do, tell God it's lame to communicate through eggplants? Yeah, you go ahead, I don't want to be vaporized like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

You see, we now have another God communication through an eggplant. A Camden County woman says she found three angels in an eggplant, clearly a sign that the almighty wants her to go on television and talk about finding angels in her eggplant.

And that's what she did, to 6 ABC, your #1 source for heavenly eggplant communication. (They even have an update of the previous story, about how the "GOD" eggplant might go up for sale! "And God said, sell this plant to GoldenPalace.com...")

Vincenza Martino bought the eggplant earlier this week from a vendor in Jerz, and as she was slicing it up, she found the seeds formed angels, or at least whatever Western view we have of angels (cloaked in white, etc.). But I assume God knows what we think angels look like, so He knows what pattern to move those seeds into.

Martino even gave a slice of the holy eggplant to a customer who is very sick. (He cried.) 6 ABC reports she works seven mornings a week and doesn't go to church, even though the deli she works at is plastered in photos of Pope Benedict. She says the deli is her temple. "God is here, like he's in the church," Martino said.

This is sort of Bible-centric. I believe the quote is, "Do this in memory of me... and if you have to work or something, then just eat eggplant instead." Except in Aramaic, I guess.

New Jersey Woman Finds Angels In Eggplant [6 ABC]
Holy Eggplant! [6 ABC]

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August 09, 2007

And The Lord Said: Blessed Is He Who Buys A Slice From Sbarro

Problem: The new owners of the Echelon Mall are renovating it and there might not be a place for the Echelon Mall Ministry, which serves about 300 a month. (Is there anything in the Bible about turning a house of commerce into a house of worship?) Solution: Uh, let the Echelon Mall Ministry stay at the new mall, called The Mall at Voorhees Town Center.

The Echelon Mall praises the heavens. Triumph all ye Cherubim!

"I think the mall's going to be great when it's finished," said [Mall Ministry Rev. Gene] Wall. "Hopefully, we'll bring many people who will not only visit us but also shop in the mall."

The Mall Ministry should sell chicken or something. They'd totally get more than 300 people coming in for that.

Echelon Mall Ministry gets OK to stay [Camden Courier-Post]

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June 25, 2007

Philly.com's, Uhh, 95 Theses

A poll on Philly.com:

Oddly enough, this poll surmises there are only two types of people in this world: (a) Catholic and down with indulgences and (b) Protestant. But, hey, less time in purgatory!

Philadelphia archdiocese offers indulgences [Inquirer]
Philly.com Poll: Indulgences [Philly.com]

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Our Precious Freedoms Quashed Once Again

You know, had Jesus advocated bong hits -- and for all we know, it might be in one of the apocryphal gospels -- I think I might still go to church. Salvation through THC.

Update, 12:15 p.m.: Nevermind! There is justice after all! The $54 million pants guy lost his lawsuit. Obviously.

Judge [sic, it's the Supreme Court] Rules Against 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' Banner [CBS 3]

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Cloning Gays Is Totally Out Of The Question

It's nice to know (for me, at least) that if I do take a week off, there will be plenty of material waiting for me when I return. But more on this later; new material has simply appeared, like magic, in today's Inquirer. I speak, of course, of Faye Flam's "Carnal Knowledge" column.

Today's piece is about gays, and why people hate them. The headline is pretty clear: "What fuels the hatred of homosexuality?" What makes the column more interesting than usual: There's no mention of the Bible at all. It's like writing a column about the cause of the American Civil War and not mentioning slavery.

Flam instead focuses on the "ick factor" of (for the most part) straight men, who abhor the idea of two men kissing or assfucking or whatever. This makes sense, of course; to be honest, I feel men are so disgusting I can't even understand how straight women find men attractive. (I suppose if they didn't it would be the end of the species; mankind is saved because not everyone is as neurotic as I am.) "Isn't it kind of babyish to declare gays immoral because you think their sex lives are icky?" Flam writes. Of course, what if your all-knowing and all-powerful god decides two men shouldn't hook up? Hey, I don't get it either, but who are we to doubt omniscience?

Okay, so lotsa men don't like gays (and, therefore, gay marriage) because they feel it's icky. After finally mentioning religious teachings, Flam also cites a study by Leon Kass, who worked with President Bush: "Kass' essay focused not on gay marriage, but on human cloning, which, he wrote, makes us uneasy for a reason." This is like citing an essay on the Panic of 1837 in my hypothetical Civil War column.

But, really, it all comes down to one thing: We (not me, but the royal "American") hate gays because we hate smokers. And, ah, carnivores.

Rozin suggests that liberals tend to go after smokers partly for the same reason. It's far from a perfect analogy, and I'm not really bothered by smokers. To me, slaughterhouses are disgusting and cast doubt on the morality of buying supermarket steak (although not enough to stop me from eating a hamburger at a barbecue).

And what do they call cigarettes in England? I rest my case.

Carnal Knowledge | What fuels the hatred of homosexuality? [Inquirer]

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May 18, 2007

Preacher Who Proposes At Chain Restaurant Somehow Manages To Get Married Three Times

A Philadelphia preacher is accused of marrying three women at the same time; two of his wives have filed criminal charges against him. Meanwhile, I can't even get a date.

The preacher, Ricardo Sampson, would spend time with his different wives at the different churches he preached at. None of them supposedly knew about the others, incredibly. (In religious polygamy, don't the wives usually know each other? Does Warren Jeffs read this blog and can he shed some light on the situation?)

It's easy to see how Sampson was able to marry his three wives. He's just too smooth with his proposals:

According to marriage licenses the three women showed NBC 10, Ricardo Sampson married Robin Sampson Dec. 5, 1992; Donna Sampson, July 18, 1997; and Jackie Sampson May 20, 2006.

"Oh, he proposed to me at Friday's on Valentine’s Day," Robin Sampson said.

If she turned down his Friday's proposal, Sampson was slated to attempt to woo Robin at the Olive Garden.

3 Women Learn They Married Same Man [NBC 10]

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April 17, 2007

Going-Away Party For Eternal Damnation

Colleen Ott was born Catholic, converted to the Baptist denomination -- heathen! -- at 17 and most recently was a member of the Pennypack Baptist Church in Northeast Philly.

In June, she was even named a deacon, which means she could distribute communion and get superpowers or something. Last month, though, she came out as a lesbian.

Naturally, the church told her she couldn't be a deacon anymore unless she went to gay therapy and she's now with a new parish, First Baptist Church of Philadelphia in Center City. As you can tell by the name, this was rated the best Baptist church in Philly by Phillymag. It also has a pastor who said: "When Jesus was preaching the Gospel, he never said, 'Only the straights shall eat at my Father’s table.'"

But her old church wasn't so bad, really. Although the Rev. Tony Tilford and his wife, co-pastor Jean-Marie Tilford, wanted to her to join either Harvest International Ministries or Exodus International, two groups that try to de-gayify people, they did want her to be happy:

She said the Tilfords offered to throw a going-away party for her, but Ott declined.

"Goodbye, Colleen! Enjoy hell! It's a shame, we all kind of liked you, too."

Faced with ex-gay therapy, lesbian leaves Northeast Philadelphia church [Philadelphia Gay News]

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April 05, 2007

Christians React Angrily To Portrayal As Crusaders

Now that word of the drill to plan for attacks from Fundamentalist Christians who are against the separation of church and state at Burlington Township High School has spread across the Interweb tubes, people are (naturally) up in arms because... I dunno. Because everyone likes to complain in order to feel like they're victimized, too!

A report in yesterday's Camden Courier-Post reported David Barton, head of WallBuilders, a Texas-based Christian group said the exercise "would seem to indicate... philosophical bigotry." And here I just thought it was a really stupid random reasoning for a terror attack drill!

He went on to say: "Out of all the school shootings, there has never been an example of a conservative right-wing group opposed to separation of church and state." Gee, thanks. Another group -- the Idaho Values Alliance -- says it's an example "of the way in which the religious liberty of Christians is under assault."

Yeah, I know. I mean, every day another building is having a terror drill based on Christian groups attacking the school. I'm up to my neck in Bibles and fake blood!

Terror exercise at Burlco school called offensive [Camden Courier-Post]
Yesterday: New Jersey High School Protected From Imaginary Terror Group

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March 29, 2007

Lawmakers Think They Suck As Much As We All Do

With America pretty much failing at every war it decides to join nowadays -- Iraq, Afghanistan, drugs, literacy, obesity, etc. -- it appears lawmakers have decided to, much like the rest of us, give up.

Case in point: The new bipartisan proposal asking Americans to pray every day. Nothing wrong with praying every day, but when the head of the Congressional Prayer Caucus, J. Randy Forbes, says he wants to "build a spiritual prayer wall around America" that will not stop "until God heals our land," well it appears Congress has outsourced illegal immigration to God.

(Well, how else do you explain the "spiritual prayer wall"?)

There's even a website, prayercaucus.org, where one can sign up to pray for America and hope God's able so solve all the problems in the world since politicians obviously can't.

Of course, since this is Congress asking us to pray, I expect the United States to be destroyed by a giant flood in the next couple of days.

Lawmakers want Americans to pray 5 minutes each week for the nation [Camden Courier-Post]

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March 27, 2007

Monopoly For Christians Released

Hey kids! Tired of your Xbox, your Internet, your Nintendo, your interactive games where you can battle your Pokemon (or whatever) against some little snotnose in Japan?

Of course you are! So instead of playing high-tech, interactive games, how about you sit down with a nice board game! I have just the one. It's called Inheritance. You'll love it. It's just like Monopoly, only that in Monopoly the purpose is to bankrupt your opponents and acquire all the cash in the world, while the purpose of Inheritance is to help the poor and learn about King Solomon's pillars of wisdom. Sounds like a blast!

Be sure to play Inheritance, and then look for the sequel, Inheritance II. It's just like Candyland, only that instead of gathering gumdrops (or whatever) and getting to the finish, you memorize all of Noah's sons' names.

New Game Focuses on the Bible [KYW 1060]

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