Phillies Hire Harry Kalas’ Successor

Yesterday, the Phillies re-hired Tom McCarthy, who worked the Phillies’ radio broadcast from 2001 to 2005 before leaving for the Mets radio job.

McCarthy is a good PBP guy, and he’ll now work three innings of television when Harry is on break. (This means no more Chris Wheeler play-by-play, which is what he’s better at.) McCarthy signed an unprecedented five-year deal with the Phillies, which is two years longer than any deal Harry Kalas has ever signed.

“I always enjoyed working with T-Mac,” Kalas said. “I’m glad he’s back in Philadelphia.”

Kalas is 71, but he’s not heading out the door anytime soon, huzzah, huzzah. I’m still up for just hiring a Harry Kalas impersonator (Joe Conklin?) to do PBP when he retires, but McCarthy is pretty good. I still kinda miss Scott Graham, though, but my guess is he’s not enough of a yes-man to work for the Phillies.

McCarthy back in the booth for Phils, this time to do TV [Inquirer]

Sleepwalking Through Another Phillies Win

The Phillies continued their inexplicable domination of the Mets yesterday with a 10-6 victory in New York to complete a three-game sweep.

Here, let’s have Marcus Hayes, World of Warcraft’s biggest fan, describe the thrashing. Perhaps after his shorthand making it into the paper last week, he wanted to redeem himself.

A sharp Phillies nine beat a somnambulant Mets club, 10-6, fueled by Greg Dobbs’ first career grand slam and, perhaps, the constant derision of Rollins by the 52,779 at Shea.

The Phillies are now 3 1/2 games back of the Mets. After the exciting four-game sweep of the Mets last month, the Phillies were only 2 games back of the Mets. So despite winning eight in a row from the New York nine, the Phils are over three games back, and remain 1 1/2 back in the Wild Card. Phillies baseball!

The Mets helped out yesterday by committing six errors, the most hilarious of which is pictured. The Phillies now head to St. Louis for a three-game set against the Cardinals, who will probably sweep the series with an aggregate score of 45-0.

Two of the games over the weekend were afternoon tilts on Philly 57. This is an advantage for Phillies fans, as they get to hear Chris Wheeler read hilarious CW previews.

If Wheeler played Satan on that show I’d totally watch every week.

Sweeping on the job [Daily News]

Chris Wheeler Has A Cold

A night after losing game 10,001 to the Dodgers to drop back to .500, the Phillies went on an offensive explosion again, crushing LA, 15-3. Even Real Deal Durbin, who got his first major league win, had three hits in the easy victory.

The loss was absorbed by Dodgers pitcher Mark Hendrickson, who you may remember as the 76ers second-round pick in 1996. If I ever invent a time machine, I’m going back in time and placing a bet in ‘96: The 76ers second-round pick this year will one day pitch against the Phillies, with Mike LIeberthal as catcher. I could probably get pretty good odds. A billion to one, maybe?

Ryan Howard hit a pair of homers last night, and Chase Utley had 3 RBI, upping his league-leading total to 79. But the real story was Phillies announcer Chris Wheeler, who lost his voice somehow. Here’s his call of Howard’s first homer. I cannot stop laughing about the word “gone” in this clip.

After their 26-hit outburst last night, the Phillies will probably be no-hit tonight today at 3!

Update, 11:25 a.m.: Oh, yeah, and Howard hit his homers off of Mask.

Philadelphia 15, Los Angeles 3 [AP/Yahoo! Sports]

Phillies To Reward Fans With Nine Innings Of Wheels

As you may have gathered from the photo of the Phillie Phanatic attacking President Bush in the header, it’s the start of baseball season today. Naturally, everyone’s excited, because we all know the Phils are going to start 4-14 and nobody will care anymore.

And with fan interest at the highest it’s been since, uh, since I can remember, the Phillies have decided to reward fans by giving them what they want: More cowbell Wheeler.

The trio will broadcast the first three and last three innings on television. Wheeler will handle play-by-play in the middle three innings, with [ex-Phillie Gary] Matthews as the analyst.

[Harry] Kalas will continue to call the fourth inning on radio. Scott Franzke and Larry Andersen will work exclusively on radio.

Yep, you read that correct: Nine innings of Chris Wheeler on television. Guess I’ll have to brush up on my Chris Wheeler vocabulary.

Chris Wheeler Glossary
Will three be a crowd for Kalas and company? [Inquirer]
[Image via A Tribute To The 1980 Phillies]

Leftovers: Plan A: Go Get Plan B

• If you’re planning on having some sweaty, condom-free sex on Tuesday night, then do the five branches Bucks County Planned Parenthood have a deal for you! The ‘Hood will be giving out free Plan B on Wednesday morning, so you can look just as serene as the official model for the drug. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• With Scott Graham gone in the Phillies’ booth next year — who will do Graham Slam commercials? — the Phils have added a new analyst: None other than Gary Matthews! Welcome back, Sarge! (Apparently I’m the only one who will miss Scott Graham, though. I thought he had really improved over the past few seasons.) Wheels is still around, so the Chris Wheeler Glossary will certainly be expanding. [Beerleaguer]

• Jerry Mondesire, head of the NAACP in Philly, says Jonathan Saidel dropped out of the mayor’s race due to Bob Brady. Then again, he also said that Donovan McNabb was a race traitor or something for not running the ball more, so we all know how accurate he is. [KYW 1060]

• Why are men bigger than women? Why, Faye Flam reports, men are violent assholes, that’s why. However, men, be glad you’re not a deep-sea angler fish, where the woman is 500k times heavier than the man. I bet both genders of that fish have issues. [Inquirer]

• A pair of employees — how surprising — have been arrested in a heist of nearly $300,000 from a Wal-Mart yesterday. If Wal-Mart workers aren’t smart enough to pull off a robbery undetected, then who is? [6 ABC]

• Ex-Phillies pitcher Don Carman found a bunch of old fan mail and recently answered it. Yeah, I can’t think of any joke but “Don Carman got fan mail?!” either. [Slate]

• Pat Croce has been named Wing Bowl Commissioner. He’ll be in charge of making sure all the models (”models”) 610 WIP hires are C-cup or better. [Inquirer]

Fun With Screencaptures

Larry Andersen, left, and Chris Wheeler debate the Phillies during last night’s game.

Archives: Chris Wheeler

Not-So-Hot Wheels

One of the best things about the Internet, is that, while the local paper of record is doing a big puff piece on a Phillies announcer many fans don’t seem to like, you can simply put up your own feelings and come up with your own story.

Enter The Chris Wheeler Glossary. Put together by the posters at PhilliesPhans.com, the site contains all of Wheels’ favorite sayings that we’ve come to know over the past years. Some of my favorite definitions:

• Ba Hahaha HeHeHe HA - I think your (largely unfunny) baseball-related story is amusing
• He Has Fun Out There - He’s awful; He’s Tomas Perez
• Does He Throw A Split? - That pitch wasn’t a fastball
• First Ball Fastball, Middle-in - Any pitch that someone can hit
• How Important Was…? - I think that was important, do you agree? (usage: on the pre-game manager’s show, “Charlie, how important was that game winning home run by Utley last night?”)
• LA… - Larry Andersen; former junkballing major league reliever and resident humorist (usage includes: “LA - how important is strike one?” — Chris wishes LA to spin the viewers a colorful yarn about the perils of getting behind in the count. Or, he just wants to get on our nerves and talk down to us.)
• There’s Our Old Friend (insert former Phillies anything) - He never liked me

And there’s a ton more. Check it out, and may all your first ball fastballs be middle in. (Although they always are.)

The Chris Wheeler Glossary
PhilliesPhans.com
March 6: Leftovers: Hey, Mussolini made the trains run on time

Leftovers: Hey, Mussolini made the trains run on time

• Inquirer writer Marc Narducci pats the 90 percent of Phillies fans that like Chris Wheeler least among the announcers on the head and says, “No, sorry, he’s the man!” Coming up next from Narducci, a stunning defense of Ryan Seacrest. (”No, he’s really not a tool!”) [Inky]

• For you Crash-haters — I’m sort of on the fence — Google has confirmed what you’re thinking. As we all know, Google knows all. [Corporate Casual via Gawker]

• The readers wrote in, and Faye Flam responded with more G-spot goodness! And, yes, the article contains this sentence: “If the vagina is the Amtrak’s Northeast corridor, which starts in Washington, tell your man to stop shooting straight for Springfield, Mass., and try spending more time in Philly.” Even sex is all about Philly right now! [Inky]

• What does the Academy share with Rick Santorum? They’re both a little squeamish when two dudes make out. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

• Remind me never to argue over e-mail with Joe Rogan. [Best Week Ever Blog]

• And, naturally, NBC has shut down all the sites hosting the Natalie Portman gangster rap. They have it on their own site, though, but it’s not working for me. Erhm. [NBC.com]

Because you knew it had to happen: DumpWheels.com

When the Phillies announced that, in essence, Chris Wheeler’s duties might include nine full innings of TV color commentary this season, you knew it was only a matter of time before some fan with an Internet connection, a spare $50 or so and no web site design skill whatsoever would launch an anti-Chris Wheeler site.

Bingo. Not too much of note here, just an anti-Wheeler rant and the addresses of media and team execs, though I’d be remiss if I didn’t note the “Top 10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Listen To Chris Wheeler For Nine Innings”:

10. Listen to Nails on a Chalkboard

9. Listen to an Andy Reid Press Conference after a Loss
8. Jam a Burning Hot Poker through my Eye and Let it Sit on my Brain
7. Get Un-medicated Root Canal Every Day for a Year
6. Wear a Rug that Looks Worse than Wheeler’s
5. Eat Glass for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
4. Listen to Andy Musser
3. Sit in the 700 level of the Vet Wearing a Cowboys Jersey
2. Watch a “Skating with Celebrities” Marathon
1. Watch a Braves Game

Indeed. Good luck with all that, Phillies. And, really, Wheels, don’t feel so bad; only a select few have websites made by people they don’t know solely dedicated to bashing them. I’d be flattered.

DumpWheels.com
Feb. 24: Everybody hates Chris

Everybody hates Chris

There are a lot of things Phillies fans disagree on. For example, some people don’t think Bobby Abreu is good. (They’re wrong, of course, but that’s a discussion for another time.) But there is one thing all Phillies fans can agree on: Harry Kalas is awesome, and Chris Wheeler sucks.

I don’t really dislike Wheeler all that much — I don’t think he reaches the levels of announcer annoyance of Joe Morgan or the old Sunday Night ESPN crew — but I don’t know anyone who really enjoys his announcing. Some people think he’s too negative; some people think he’s too positive. Bill Conlin said he hasn’t gotten any positive emails about Wheels. Not to turn this into a Bill Simmons column, but my buddy Tim said he got a reply from DN writer Paul Hagen saying he had gotten deluged with email bashing Wheeler. And check out the comments on Jason Weitzel’s post over at Beerleaguer. In reality, Wheeler can’t win.

Harry Kalas, on the other hand, is beloved by all. Sure, he’s not as good as he used to be, but, man, what a voice! (He also does NFL highlights during the fall.) And when an announcer has been with a team for so long, you sort of have to keep him there and let him do what he wants.

After last year’s dwindling attendance, the Phillies hired former Action News reporter Scott Palmer to act as an ombudsman between the fans and team management, hoping he could iron out any problems. And then earlier this month, Palmer was officially named director of media and public affairs.

And what is his first fan-pleasing job? To figure out how to solve the tentative announcing lineup which has pissed off fans from Broad and Pattison to Scranton. The new lineup? Harry the K on TV in the first through third and seventh through ninth innings. Larry Anderson only on radio. Chris Wheeler on television all nine innings.

Yikes. Good luck with all that, Scott.

And if he can’t figure out a way to make this work and Harry leaves after this year, it’s okay. We’ll still have Harry doing announcing work on things even more important than the Phillies:

Yes, that’s Harry Kalas announcing Puppy Bowl II.

Kalas outta here? [DN]
Bill Conlin | Still wild about Harry (Kalas) [DN]
Harry in the headlines [Beerleaguer]