April 30, 2008
Buzz To Blogs: Get Off My Lawn!
Buzz Bissinger -- writer of
Friday Night Lights,
chronicler of Barbaro,
inventor of high school football racism -- was on
Costas Now last night on a panel with Will Leitch (editor of
Deadspin) and Braylon Edwards (Cleveland Browns wide receiver).
If you didn't see it, Bissinger went on a rant about blogs, asked Will Leitch if he had ever read W.C. Heinz, called him full of shit and also said this: "This guy, whether we like it or not, is the future. The future in the hands of guys like you is really going to dumb us down to a degree that I don't think we can recover from."
Let me write about the W.C. Heinz reference for a moment. Heinz is famous for writing "Death of a Racehorse," a 1,000-word piece about how a dying racehorse. In contrast, Bissinger's column on Barbaro was 13,000 words. (Update: Hey, I made the comments of Fire Joe Morgan!)
I will say that I don't -- can't! -- believe that Bissinger was serious last night. This whole 'blogs-vs.-newspapers' debate is so, uhm, 2005, maybe earlier. By 2006 Phillymag (Phillymag!) had given my blog a B+ rating and that was back when PWD was even worse. Blogs are a medium: Most of them suck, some of them are good -- just like newspaper columnists and TV shows and movies and penny-farthings and cheeseburgers. (The only two things that are mostly good are sex and pizza.) Right? Right?
Then again, maybe not. PW Music Editor Brian McManus was recently on a music panel with Tom Moon; the former Inquirer music writer read the Pitchfork review of In Rainbows and angrily ranted about it afterward. And this is another good ex-Inquirer writer!
It might just be as simple as what a friend told me this morning: "They're all just bitter that they didn't think of writing The Wire." Well put.
Update 2: Jon Weisman has more on this. And Enrico has more too.
Posted by D-Mac at 11:35 AM
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Take That, Barbaro: Better Horses Get Honor
Zombie Barbaro must be pissed! The Philadelphia Park Liberty Carousel in Franklin Square -- that carousel is everything our founding fathers hoped and dreamed of -- recently
added replicas of two racehorses: Smarty Jones, who blew the Triple Crown on the backstretch, and Afleet Alex, who won the second two legs of the Triple Crown
and cured cancer.
Did I hear that right? Two better horses -- who won 66.7% of the Triple Crown races, instead of just 33.3% -- got replicas and Barbaro is nowhere to be found? That's what I'm talking about! Let's get confirmation from Amy Needle, CEO of the carousel or something:
"These horses are made for us by our horse carousel-making company in Wichita, Kansas. We sent them pictures of the horses and these are exact replicas of racing carousel horses painted with Smarty and Afleet colors and numbers."
It makes sense that there are only replicas of Alex and Smarty; unlike a regular racehorse, you can't ride a carousel horse to its death.
Each carousel horse cost $30,000 of course, which in these booming economic times is no big deal.
Philly Carousel Gets Replicas of Local Winning Race Horses [KYW 1060]
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January 31, 2008
The Onion For The Win
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Exactly one year to the day after Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was tragically taken from us before his time, an apparition of the beloved racehorse appeared in the morning sky to teach Americans from all walks of life about the true meaning of Barbaro Day.
The awestruck populace listened in rapt attention to the words of the great horse's spirit as he urged the people to remove their metaphorical blinders and open their eyes to the world around them; to never put too much weight on their sesamoid and long pastern bones; and to remember that Barbaro Day is not just the day that Barbaro died, but the day that human beings learned to put their differences aside and treat one another as they would want a 1,200-pound racehorse to be treated.
Ghost Of Barbaro Appears To Teach Nation True Meaning Of Barbaro Day [The Onion]
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January 29, 2008
Let Us Now All Honor Barbaro
It was one year ago today that Barbaro, the horse people saw win a race on teevee once, was euthanized after breaking his leg entertaining rich people. Despite being dead, the soon-to-be-canonized noble steed healed several sick children just last week and also won the lottery. John McCain is considering him for the VP slot. Thanks to Barbaro, horses who race around an oval track no longer die all the time, global warming has been reversed and poverty has ended.
Thank you, Barbaro, for gracing us with your presence, if only for a short time. I don't think it's any coincidence that your mission only lasted three years.
A Lasting Peace [Daily News]
Barbaro's Legacy [Inquirer]
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January 25, 2008
Hideous Barbaro Statue To Grace NYC
Hey, remember the attention whore controversial artist who did the Britney Spears giving birth sculptor as a "monument to pro-life"? Yeah, well, Daniel Edwards is back with a new sculpture called The Barbaro Memorial. Oh, the Barbaro people are not going to stand for this.
Edwards' cause this time is mandating racetracks to report race-related injuries and fatalities so that people will presumably stop going to horse races. (Yeah, I think that second part already happened.) He wants a law called, uh, Barbaro's Law, and even has an online petition. The statue is slated to be unveiled in Centrol Park on April 30, the week of the Kentucky Derby and will eventually be on display at the Leo Kesting Gallery.
Oh, yeah, and Barbaro is also viewed as a "champion for the right to die."
The Associated Press reports the sculpture doesn't have the support of Barbaro's owner Gretchen Jackson, but she also says she doesn't care. I bet, late at night, Gretchen Jackson sneaks down to the Internet and reads Barbaro jokes to blow off steam.
There's this, also:
“We feel “Barbaro’s Law” is sympathetic to prior efforts in horse protection legislation,” said gallery co-director, John Leo. Queens Councilman Tony Avella drafted legislation that would ban New York’s horse-drawn carriages after carriage horse, Smoothie, died from running into a tree after being spooked by a street musician’s drum last September.”Tourists might decide to pass on a carriage ride after knowing the plight of the carriage horse,” added Leo, who said the gallery will also exhibit a memorial statue of the fallen NYC carriage horse by Daniel Edwards at their gallery in Manhattan’s meatpacking district.
Anyway, I fully support Daniel Edwards' right to troll the public with his hideous, hilariously awesome Barbaro statue. I can't wait 'til somebody files a lawsuit!
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January 15, 2008
Barbaro Museum Defeated After All
The news of the day: Local hero Barbaro, a horse who showed the world he could inspire Internet anger long after he finished everything on his bucket list,
will no longer have a museum built in his honor.
His co-owner Gretchen Jackson says she is close to figuring out where Barbaro's ashes will be buried. (She did not announce anything about a horse her and her husband Roy bred, George Washington, who was sent to stud before it was determined it couldn't sire. The horse raced again and was destroyed after he broke down in the Breeders Cup.)
The museum idea is on ice right now, but there is going to be a big ol' statue of Barbaro people will probably end up caring a lot about. If it's life-size, could people get to pretend to ride Barbaro? Oh, man, that would be awesome! Barbaro is so much better in statue form.
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January 11, 2008
Horses Are Doomed Either Way
So a bunch of horse lovers got together and decided to try to get horses to not be slaughtered. They succeeded and slaughterhouses were closed in Texas and Illinois. The horses
are now slaughtered in Canada or Mexico in far worse conditions, and the horsey people don't know what to do. To be fair, horsemeat is disgusting and no one should be eating it. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to have a Barbaro burger?
Meanwhile, I got an obviously fake Barbaro letter the other day and I'm posting it after the jump.
Continue reading "Horses Are Doomed Either Way"
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December 26, 2007
Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?
Since I fell back on an old standby and
made fun of Barbaro and somebody got mad at me (see comments), I figured I'd shoot at another fish in the barrel and make fun of
Ron Paul.
I think people actually know who Ron Paul is now, since my mom says she likes his idea of getting rid of the income tax, which he apparently talked about on Meet the Press, and a bunch of other people knew who he was, too. This is the man who doesn't believe in evolution, which probably has no bearing on a president but still sort of creeps me out since it's, like, ninth grade science. Does Ron Paul not believe in Charlemagne from my freshman year world history class, too?
But nothing I can make fun of Ron Paul about is funnier than things his supporters write. Libertarians have been trolling the Internet since around 2001; Ron Paul supporters have just upped the ante by trolling real life with a blimp instead. Ron Paul supporters do not like jokes about Ron Paul. And Ron Paul supporters are dead serious about Ron Paul. Bla bla bla important presidential election whatever.
Fortunately, none of this will matter because some website reports there is a neocon plot to assassinate Ron Paul!
Continue reading "Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?"
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November 20, 2007
Elmer's Glue Vandalizes NE Philly Churches
Up in Northeast Philly,
a bunch of churches were vandalized by somebody (probably punk kid atheists) putting glue on the locks.
Somebody went up and down Tyson Avenue in Tacony/Mayfair, gluing the locks and breaking keys off in the doors of eight churches. How many churches are there in this town? I feel like there's one for every resident. Anyway, guess who apparently got left alone: Catholic churches. Yeah, somebody managed to vandalize eight churches in Mayfair and not hit one Catholic church. That has to be intentional.
Here's the head of the Tacony Baptist Church: "It’s really comical. They keyed that door and instead of jumping up and down smoking, I just thank God, because the devil is trying to tell us we are doing something right for the Lord."
Hey, turning the other cheek? I thought Christians weren't in to that anymore. Anyway, the best part of this story is definitely the graphic KYW 1060 came up with. Did they really use Elmer's glue? Or am I just supposed to work a Barbaro joke in here?
Vandals Keep Phila. Worshippers Stuck in the Cold [KYW 1060]
Oct. 29: Graffiti Vandalizes School [6 ABC]
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November 15, 2007
Barbaro Continues To Inspire D-Mac Hatred
Looks like
Mark B. Cohen isn't the only person who calls my boss to complain about jokes I make. But Cohen, to his credit, understands what I do here.
A fella by the name of Dennis left a message for my boss in response to this throwaway post about dead horses I did yesterday. He actually has more in common with Ron Paul's fans than he does with Rep. Cohen.
I happened to stumble upon Philadelphia Weekly, and I found something written by a gentleman by the name of Daniel McQuade... This gentleman, and I use that term loosely, because I highly doubt he's a man, says: [here he quotes me]
So I'm curious as to why Philadelphia Weekly is promoting cruelty to animals. And I'm gonna go down and contact every company that's advertising on your site and ask them the same question as to why they're advertising with a company that promotes cruelty to animals.
If I could get some answers, that would be great. I don't understand if this guy's just an idiot, if he's a drug addict, maybe he's never gotten laid in his life, I don't know. But whoever things that harming animals is something that deserves to be rewarded is mind-bloggling to me. it reflects very poorly on your company institution. I assume you want to be a real newspaper or publishing company, but man oh man, that doesn't look good.
Have fun dealing with this guy, uwishunu!
Update: Barbaro fans have entered the fray!
Posted by D-Mac at 01:08 PM
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July 18, 2007
Amazing Emails From Amazing Barbaro Fans
I've gotten a lot of great email in my almost two years doing this blog. For a while, though, I never though anything would top this one from one R. McVee.
The lack of participation among readers is a clear indication that your blog is awful. Another thing: your writing is weak. Did you pay a high school kid to write those posts? If so, get your money back.
Think about a career change. Maybe go back to school and study nursing.
I thought for a while this guy was trying to be mean, but then I realized it was probably just his way of attempting to solve the nursing shortage. Still, not the most successful idea ever.
But, yesterday, I received this mail, which might actually be better.
Lets get to it shall we ? A man like yourself with a cock so tiny that he would need a gps to find it can only get off by making fun of what he can't begin to understand. Get some help!
The subject line of this mail from one Capt Serviss? Of course: "Barbaro Article." I must admit, I'm pretty sure Barbaro's penis was bigger than mine is, but I'm comfortable with that.
Update, 12:06 p.m.: A follow-up from the Captain.
I realized that the email I sent yesterday did not include my name..it is Candace Serviss and I am one of those old women who loved Barbaro..are you getting off yet making fun of me?
Posted by D-Mac at 09:00 AM
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July 13, 2007
Barbaro, America's Favorite Zombie Horse
As you may have seen, a battle between rival Barbaro factions has been
raging in the comments section of my latest post about America's Favorite Horse.
It began, as usual, with defenders of Barbaro -- FOBs, or Friends of Barbaro -- rushing to the comments to point out how evil of a person I was for beating a dead horse. (I was actually kind of hoping it would actually be fans of "Buzz" Bissinger coming to defend the writer, but apparently he does not have a fan messageboard.)
Most of it is pretty normal, but I did kind of enjoy this one:
If we played a drinking game where we took a sip whenever you wrote something clever and profound, we'd all remain eternally sober.
Continue reading "Barbaro, America's Favorite Zombie Horse"
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July 10, 2007
Respected Writer Writes De Facto Barbaro Book
Unbelievably, Barbaro still lives. America's Favorite Horse™ is
back in the current edition of
Vanity Fair, with a
13,000-word profile of Barbaro by "Buzz" Bissinger. (Oh, yeah, via
Philebrity, it's
also becoming a movie.)
Since it's 13,000 words about fucking Barbaro, I've come up with a pretty good way to enjoy this, I think. With the help of reader R.J. White, I present The "Buzz" Bissinger 13,000-Word Barbaro Article Drinking Game.
Take a sip when:
- Barbaro's "spirit" is mentioned.
- A phrase -- i.e. "Never fall in love with a horse" -- is repeated for dramatic effect.
- The reaction after a plane crash is compared with the reaction after a horse's injury.
- Barbaro's original jockey is forgotten like that.
Take a gulp when:
- Barbaro is given a human emotion, such as joy. (Take two if there's a double whammy cliche, such as "joy and abandon.")
- Barbaro is compared to a human. (Take two if he's compared to a legendary sports figure.)
- Barbaro is given a human talent, such as communication. (Take two if his communication is translated into English and it isn't something like "I want an apple.")
- A phrase -- i.e. "Never fall in love with a horse" -- then comes back later in the story for dramatic effect. (Take two if, later, a different person falls in love with a Barbaro despite trying not to.)
More of the game and selected quotes from the article continue below.
Continue reading "Respected Writer Writes De Facto Barbaro Book"
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May 18, 2007
Happy Injury Anniversary, Zombie Barbaro!
Tomorrow is the Preakness Stakes, the race where last year
Barbaro "tragically" broke his leg and lost the race. Then, later, he died, and the Preakness renamed a horse race after him.
When talking with the Inquirer's Mike Jensen, it appears horse co-owner Gretchen Jackson is just as confused by the Barbaro people as we all are.
During Barbaro's eight-month stay at New Bolton, Gretchen Jackson said, she worried about turning him into America's Pet.
"I had trouble when he was touching noses with the cow or playing with the cat," Gretchen Jackson said. "I just wanted him to have the stature of a Kentucky Derby winner. We didn't have him as a pet. A lot of people saw him as a pet. He was much more than a pet."
Oh, come on! Just say it! Just say those people who worship Barbaro creep you out, Gretchen! Go! Please! Alright, alright.
Continue reading "Happy Injury Anniversary, Zombie Barbaro!"
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April 30, 2007
Is Barbaro The Best? Boy I Guess!
Neigh! Yesterday was
Zombie Barbaro's fourth birthday, and about 500 fans crowded Delaware Park -- where Barbaro won its first race -- for an
emotional tribute to the late horse.
How big was the day? One person came from South Africa to celebrate Barbaro! The News Journal has a photo of Barbaro co-owner Gretchen Jackson "kneeling as if in prayer," which must mean she's... I dunno. Why would she pantomime a prayer?
The best anecdote of the day, though, comes from the Inquirer's Mike Jensen, who probably thought his days of covering Barbaro were over -- but, no, he's going to be writing about this damn horse for the rest of his life.
The passion at Delaware Park was real. The most graphic example: One woman had a tattoo of Barbaro across her back.
Can all the Barbaro fans get this tattoo? 'Cuz then I'd be able to make sure any girl I meet in a bar isn't a Barbaro fan. "Excuse me, before we begin talking, can I see your back?"
Fans of Barbaro gather to celebrate his birthday [Inquirer]
Remembering Barbaro [The News Journal]
Archives: Barbaro
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April 27, 2007
Happy Birthday, Zombie Barbaro!
You won't believe what is Sunday is: That's right, it's
Barbaro's birthday! Despite the fact the horse died in January, he's still alive in the hearts of people posting on Internet messageboards, and this Sunday there will be a big celebration for the horse at Delaware Park. I can only expect Barbaro to rise from the dead on this fateful day, but I guess we'll just have to wait.
“Just be warned,” said fan Sharon Crumb. “It’s going to be very emotional. I don’t think there’s going to be a dry eye.”
“I can’t let Barbaro go,” a choked-up Crumb said. “I won’t let Barbaro go.”
If you remember back to the Field Guide To Barbaro Messageboard Factions, you'll know that this horse who won one important race and didn't finish in the other (and didn't even run in the third) made people cry a lot directly after his death. In fact, this post below, speaking in the voice of Barbaro, made people cry, too:
Continue reading "Happy Birthday, Zombie Barbaro!"
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April 16, 2007
Breaking: 'Inquirer' A Pulitzer Finalist For Barbaro Photo
Hey, do you know who was a finalist for the Pulitzer in breaking news photography this year?
Inquirer photographer Michael Bryant!
Whoo, yay, etc. Very excited for him. Nice to see a local guy win. What did he win it for? Oh, no.
Also nominated as finalists in this category were: The Associated Press Staff for its breathtaking images of brutal warfare between Israel and Hezbollah, and Michael Bryant of The Philadelphia Inquirer for his poignant photographs of the devastating injury to Barbaro, the famed racehorse.
Coincidentally, the Nobel Prize this year will be awarded to Dr. Dean Richardson for his discovery of the newest element, Barbaronium.
Breaking News Photography, 2007 [Pulitzer]
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April 13, 2007
Beating, Thanking A Dead Horse
Oh, just when you thought the news was all Don Imus and Jon Corzine comes the news about two new important bills pending on Capitol Hill. Our Congresspeople have gotten together to
propose two Barbaro-related bills.
Well, the first bill doesn't mention Barbaro at all, but it is a ban on eating horses. (Well, it's the actual clever workaround of banning eating horses by banning the transportation of horses for slaughter. Same thing.) And, of course, we would never know about this bill at all if not for Barbaro.
Now, I have absolutely no interest ever in eating a horse. First off, I bet they taste like shit. And anybody who wants to eat a non-Barbaro horse is a little off in my book. But I believe every American should have the God-given right to eat whatever animal they want, even bald eagles. (Especially bald eagles! What better way to celebrate freedom than by eating it!)
Continue reading "Beating, Thanking A Dead Horse"
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April 11, 2007
Barbaro Haters Finally Get A Place To Gather
I don't know what sells this more: The constant misspellings of Barbaro, or that Smarty Jones is still alive.
Either way, eh. I'm down.
Smarty Jones: Never let go, clearly superior to Barboro always and forever [Facebook]
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February 09, 2007
Lazy Journalists Just Re-Packaging Barbaro Coverage To Fit Anna Nicole Smith
Front page of Yahoo!:
Look familiar? It should. (After the jump.)
Continue reading "Lazy Journalists Just Re-Packaging Barbaro Coverage To Fit Anna Nicole Smith"
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February 02, 2007
Barbaro Lovers Angrily Defend Selves
A letter in today's
Daily News, from Frank Keel of North Wales:
I'm dumbfounded as to why people would question the widespread outpouring of genuine emotion over the sad death of Barbaro.
It's simple. He never held out for more money. He never did sit-ups in his paddock for media attention. He never used steroids to enhance his performance. He never demanded a trade to another farm. He never accused his rivals of horse-on-horse crime.
In short, in these days of petulant, self-absorbed children who pass for professional athletes, Barbaro was nothing less than a majestic physical specimen who transcended his sport.
His courage and nobility will live on. Try saying that about any other professional athlete of this regrettable "me generation."
You know, I've never really been surprised at the genuine outpouring of emotion for Barbaro. After all, people are idiots. (That doesn't mean if you were sad that a horse you once saw finish a race on TV died you're an idiot -- unless you subscribe to my theory that we all are idiots, every one of us.) But have you met people? They (we) certainly care about stuff just as stupid or even stupider than Barbaro.
However, I really, really, really don't get this argument. I've read it from sports columnists, heard it from friends and now read it in this letter. Are you fucking kidding me? Frank Keel and the other people who love Barbaro because he couldn't have any off-the-field troubles must have really, really sad existence. I pity them.
And not just because I'm a pompous asshole, but also because if you can't see Terrell Owens doing situps in his driveway and not think it's funny, then you, sirs and madams, are missing out. Because that was hilarious! "We talkin' bout practice!" Hilarious. Donovan McNabb accusing T.O. of black-on-black crime? Hilarious. Some newspaper owner/NAACP head writing a ridiculously stupid column showing absolutely no knowledge of the game of football? Hilarious.
(You might think this is a racial thing; that racists who can't take rooting for black athletes turn to horse racing. But isn't Barbaro black?)
I'd rather just root for a human being, a real one with flaws and weaknesses. The rest of you can hope Jesus unretires and re-signs with the Cleveland Browns.
BARBARO WAS AN ATHLETE WITH REAL CHARACTER [Daily News]
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January 31, 2007
Washington Post Declares Horse Who Won A Race More Important Than Ex-Congressman Who Happened To Be A Jesuit Priest
From yesterday's Washington Post, courtesy of Slate:
Drinan = Barbaro? [Slate]
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Barbaro Messageboard Posters Surprisingly Self-Aware
From Laurie in Minnesota, on the Tim Woolley Racing Barbaro messagebaord:
I remember last summer I gave you guys a bit of a chuckle when I likened our "condition" to that of the charature that Richard Dreyfuss plays in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" Our families starring at us in disbelief as we carve images of Barbaro out of mashed potatoes...LOL. Being inexplicably drawn to something and have absolutley no idea how we came to be here, and everyone else around us thinks we are coo-coo.
Someone stated earlier this week that after months of wondering about this same thing, they just decided to relax and just go with it. Same with me. I cant explain it. I'm here and thats it.
Which brings me to an important point about something that happen to me in my grieving sessions yesterday evening. Like all of you, I am experiencing deep deep emotional pain. After watching Larry King, I was still extremely distraught. I was alone last night as my husband was at work. In my grief, I said to myself, "OKAY THAT'S IT....I'M DONE!! I just want to go back to my normal life ...they way I was before I even knew Barbaro!. I am walking away from this..I just want to forget about all of this! Why did this happen to me??! WHY!!! Where is the lesson here? I am going to just fade away back to where I belong".
Okay, it's official. Barbaro is ruining peoples' lives.
But, at least she's gotten off the Barbaro wago... oh.
WOW huh? That's me up there saying those things. I am a Barbaro Ambassador for the state of MN no less....Fortunantly I snapped myself back into reality and realized immediatley how selfish and immature this was..but the feelings cant be denied. I had to let myself work through them.
Yeah, I always thought it was pretty selfish to stop caring about a horse you saw run on TV once to make yourself feel much better.
In other news, they're planning on building a museum in honor of Barbaro. (Well, and other local horses, too.) I can't wait until my tax dollars pay for a building honoring a fucking horse that didn't even win the Triple Crown.
Barbaro inspires idea for a museum [Inquirer]
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Finally, The Barbaro Snuff Film
From Google search results:
Video: Barbaro Euthanized [ClipBlast]
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