November 08, 2007

A Republican To Be Phila. Mayor Any Day Now

Just one day after candidate Al Taubenberger got a smidge over 17 percent of the vote against Democratic candidate Michael Nutter, the Philadelphia Grand Old Party appears ready to take back Room 215 in City Hall.

Oh? Just look at this KYW 1060 headline, "GOP Philadelphias Vow to Regain Control of City Hall." In the report, noted GOP Philadelphia Mike Meehan (chief counsel to the Republican City Committee) issues a bold prediction: "There's going to come a time that a Republican's gonna be mayor."

Apparently, other cities voted for Republican mayors, and so Philadelphia could have a Republican mayor just like New York. (New York's Republican mayor is, though, a pot-smoking one. On if he smoked weed, he said: "You bet I did. And I enjoyed it." Rare honesty from a politician.)

So will Philadelphia copy off New York and elect a Republican? Uhh, no, not anytime soon, unless there's a rich person who would like to run. (Meehan also said the candidate would have to start raising money now due to the city's fund-raising laws. So... cheating?) Maybe Brian Tierney can run as the Charles Foster Kane of this city?

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November 06, 2007

Election Roundup: Voting Is For Dorks

In off-year municipal elections, the City of Philadelphia's actual election takes place in May. Sometimes the mayor races (i.e., mayor) include a formidable Republican candidate, but while Al Taubenberger is a great underdog, he was recently polling at eight percent. But all the Democrats who win races today were elected on May 15, including mayor-elect Michael Nutter. (It's after 9. He probably already has enough votes to win.)

You should still go out and vote, though, and not because it matters (it doesn't) or out of a sense of civic duty (fuck civic duty). You should go out and vote because it's fun! While the voting booths are not the fun old-timey blues ones of yore, you still get to press a couple of buttons. Okay, so it's not Making Time. But if you don't press those buttons, Bush and Cheney will win, or something. Or maybe the terrorists win. I don't know.

Go out and vote today. If you don't, annoying people will lie to you and say if you didn't vote, you forfeited your right to complain. Whatever. Complain all you want whether or not you vote; but it's always nice to try to diffuse future annoyance.

Below, a roundup of fun election-themed stories. We're using a very liberal definition of the word fun here.

Continue reading "Election Roundup: Voting Is For Dorks"

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October 31, 2007

Taubenberger: Seems Like A Nice Guy

Hey, Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger has a television commercial and, as expected, it's like the rest of his campaign: Sort of appropriate for a fifth grade student council election. In the ad, Philadelphians tell why they're voting for Al Taubenberger for mayor. Or, that's what a 1930s radio announcer says.

Continue reading "Taubenberger: Seems Like A Nice Guy"

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October 26, 2007

'You May Sleep On A Bench, But I'm At 8 Percent!'

Everyone likes to complain about their financial situation. Even Bill Gates probably chews Warren Buffet's ear off about how he's only been able to buy three jets this week instead of his usual four. But Bill Gates wouldn't complain to me about his Microsoft stock, and I wouldn't complain to, oh, I don't know, a homeless person.

And so, I present, Al Taubenberger's quote to a group of homeless people at yesterday's homeless rally.

"Wanna hear the title of a sad book? My check book."

Al Taubenberger's check book is probably not as big as Michael Nutter's. But, hey, he has a check book.

Tune in tomorrow, when Taubenberger addresses a group of wildfire victims in California who lost their house and complains about how he could really use a new bathroom.

Friday Morning Wake-Up [Metropolis]
Yesterday: Go Rally To Fight Rich Fat Cat Homeless People

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October 25, 2007

Michael Nutter Wins Mayoral Election

With 0% of the precincts reporting and polls not closed for 12 days and 20 hours, Philadelphia Will Do is declaring Michael Nutter the winner of the Philadelphia mayoral election. Nutter's victory caps an incredible comeback that saw him at, like, Dwight Evans-type numbers in early 2007, yet he outsmarted everybody else on the way to primary and general election victory.

In an Oct. 25 Daily News/Keystone poll, Nutter led Taubenberger 83 percent to 8 among likely voters, but likely clinched the mayor's office on May 15, the day of the Democratic primary. Nutter faces many challenges during his term in office, including a city pension plan in crisis, a high murder rate and a city that's kinda dirty and, apparently, full of ugly people.

Philadelphia Will Do congratulates Michael Nutter on his impressive general election victory.

Poll: Nutter in a rout & some Dems are worried [Daily News]
Tuesday: DIY News: Philadelphia Ranked [First/Last/Low (Whatever Is Worse)] In [Arbitrary Category] In Survey By [Random Magazine]

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October 23, 2007

Nutter, Some Dude Engage In Mayoral Debate

I might be wrong, but I think Al Taubenberger looks like this (photo about halfway down page). I think that's University City Review editor Bob Christian in the photo -- he moderated the debate -- but, once again, Al Taubenberger has had a bit of an unintentional indictment of his campaign.

Candidates tackle University expansion [Daily Pennsylvanian]
Sunday: Nutter, Whatshisname Debate The Issues

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October 21, 2007

Nutter, Whatshisname Debate The Issues

In this weekend's CBS 3/League of Women Voters mayoral debate, host Larry Kane had a little trouble attempting to figure out just who was running against Michael Nutter.

You know, I think New Jersey Sen. Frank Lautenberg has about as much chance of winning this election as Al Taubenberger does.

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October 09, 2007

Register To Vote For Exciting Already-Decided Election

We are now less than a month away from the most exciting time of the year -- i.e. the election between midterms and presidential. Could those odd-year elections be any more exciting?

Oh, yeah, there's also a mayor's race in Philadelphia between the guy who's going to win (Michael Nutter) and the guy who's going to lose (Al Taubenberger). And don't forget the third-party candidates John Staggs (Socialist Workers, eligible to run for mayor, actually on ballot) and Larry West (independent, not eligible to run for mayor, not on ballot).

If you are very excited to vote for Mayor Al or meatpacker Staggs, be sure to note: Today is the last day you can register for the election in Pennsylvania. If you don't vote, nothing will happen, but you lose your right to complain about the guy you voted for who's not paying attention to your stupid pet causes.

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October 02, 2007

Taubenberger Picks Up Irrelevant Endorsement

Hey, kids! Or, rather: Hey, registered voters! Do you listen to the inventor of the magic bullet theory when attempting to choose a presidential candidate? Well, if you do, then you'll be happy to know Arlen Specter has endorsed Al Taubenberger for mayor!

However, Specter does show just how good he is at politics with this quote:

"I've been trying to bring back a second major party to Philadelphia for forty years," Mr. Specter said.

And what a good job, uh, Mr. Specter has done.

Specter Endorses Taubenberger For Mayor [The Bulletin]

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September 26, 2007

Abridged 'Daliy News' Columnists

John Baer: Live from 2004, here's a column about FactCheck.org!

Jill Porter: This woman loves cats so much she moved into a condo that didn't allow pets.

Phil Goldsmith: Al Taubenberger has no shot at winning.

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September 18, 2007

Wretched Refuse Of Your Teeming Shore, Indeed

The Inquirer's long profile of longshot Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger contained an interesting tidbit about his family's past:

Alfred Sr., who came to America in 1930, was detained in 1941 for almost 18 months at Army bases in New Jersey, Maryland, Texas and North Dakota.

Taubenberger made the discovery while applying for visas for a family trip to Germany. His father hadn't told him "because he never wanted me to have a bad feeling about this country, which he loved so much."

He loved this nation that locked him up without cause for 1 1/2 years. God bless America!

Uphill climb for Taubenberger [Inquirer]

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September 04, 2007

Mayor's Race To Excite ~5 Percent Of Residents

Hey, kids! Don't forget! We got a mayor's race coming up!

Despite Michael Nutter winning the election back in May, there's still a formality of electing him again in November, because of this pesky thing called "democracy" which doesn't let the Democratic party just win every election even though they have a 9π-to-1 (or something) registration edge in the city. And so, Nutter must fight back such candidates as Republican and ex-landscaper Al Taubenberger, awesome meatpacking socialist John Staggs, nobody from the Green Party -- Kerry Foster, where are you? -- and independent ineligible write-in candidate Larry West.

So far, it's been the friendliest mayoral race in history, with Taubenberger going so far as to say that maybe the Democrats haven't done the best job at running the city, but they haven't bombed any city blocks in a while, so, you know. Larry West has also apparently been making the rounds attempting to get the Ozzfest voting bloc, from this comment on his Myspace: "Hahahaha, it was nice meeting you before Ozzfest."

KYW 1060 reports Labor Day is the unofficial start of the campaign season in Philadelphia, but nobody is really going to notice this year since Taubenberger has like 50 bucks in the bank and a website from 1994 with "Page 1" in the title field.

Philadelphia Mayor's Race, Easy To Overlook [KYW 1060]

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August 20, 2007

Al Taubenberger Views Mayoral Race As T-Ball Game

Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger, on his uphill battle for the mayoral nomination:

"I don't think any Republican nominee in a long time has had as much fun as I have," he said.

Well, I'm sure he's having more fun than previous Republican nominee Sam "Party All Night" Katz, whose sense of humor I am familiar with. Hopefully Taubenberger can continue to have fun, and maybe the mayor's race will end in a tie or something. Everybody wins!

Focused on City Hall [The Bulletin]
April 9: Sam Katz Angrily Responds To Idiot Blogger

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August 16, 2007

Taubenberger: Give Me Money Even If You're For Nutter

It may not seem like it, but there are just 82 days left until the mayoral election. It seems like just yesterday Milton Street was announcing his candidacy by singing while draped over a casket, but, yes, we are under three months away from Michael Nutter (D) vs. Al Taubenberger (R).

Everyone knows Nutter already has the mayor's race locked up -- he is, after all, a Democrat in Philadelphia running against a German-speaking ex-landscaper from the party of President Bush -- but that doesn't mean Taubenberger doesn't get a chance to make his bid for mayor. Even if his website is worse than Larry West's or his campaign literature (at right) includes a photo where they didn't even bother to go into the bright light. (Vote for Al Taubenberger: The shadow knows!)

Taubenberger is by all accounts a tremendously nice guy and fairly competent, especially for a Northeast Philly native. (More competent that I am, at least.) Basically, if he were running against John Street, you'd vote for him.

But his website, though. Let's take a look.

You'll notice the flip side of the card. Page 2. Most candidates list issues they believe in. We all believe in the same thing. We want more jobs, (actually, that's my specialty) better schools (we have to raise the bar and demand more from students,) safer streets and honesty in government. As you might have noticed, I didn't list issues. I asked for contributions so I can run TV commercials and do some newspaper ads. I didn't think I'd get much, but I was surprised. I got more than enough to pay for the piece. A lot more. And that's the kind of mayor I want to be. Do more with less.

P.S. Surprise me. Fill out the reverse side of the card and send a few bucks so we can get the word out about the issues that are important to all of us. Send something even if you're for Mike. Worst case possible, he'll hear some great ideas.

"That's the kind of mayor I want to be. No issues, no bullshit, right now I just need your money in order to run the campaign. I'll even take your money if you're voting for Nutter." Hey, he's right, I am loving his honesty.

MayorAl2007
Archives: Al Taubenberger

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July 20, 2007

You Can Call Him Al

While Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger's website remains unchanged since May, he is starting to make some headway in the traditional campaigning front. The Daily News' Clout today reveals Taubenberger's new campaign literature, which features a photo of Al Taubenberger looking like he just got out of bed to do some landscaping (one of his previous jobs) and the catchy slogan, "My name is Al."

He also uses his daughter, Sarah, in the lit. She just graduated from Central -- what, Hubert's was too good for her? -- which means there is going to be a magnet school smackdown by the time election day rolls around. (Olivia Nutter goes to Masterman. Did Larry West go to GAMP or CAPA?)

Anyway, kudos to Al for avoiding the "You can call me Al" slogan, if only because it lowers the chances we will have to hear that god-awful song during the campaign.

His media advisor, Elliott Curson, says there probably won't be any TV ads and that "[w]e'll be doing stuff and we're gonna have fun. I want people to say he'd be a decent mayor even if they don't vote for him." Whoo! This is the friendliest mayor's race ever.

Clout | So let's give a warm Philly welcome to Al [Daily News]
May 24: Mayor Al Dabbling In Poetry

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July 18, 2007

It's Nice To See Campaigns Focusing On The Issues

Above are Republican mayoral nominee Al Taubenberger and Democratic mayoral nominee Michael Nutter, judging a sandwich competition at the Bellevue today. Not pictured: Two lovely Phillies ballgirls and the even lovelier Dorothy Robinson from Metro. All the stars were out!

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July 06, 2007

Bob Casey Takes Strong Anti-Wii Stance

The Daily News' Gar Joseph today asks all the local politicians if they're going to purchase an iPhone. It seems that even the city's rich guys aren't going to throw away $600 and $50 a month to be a beta tester for Apple. (Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger did recently purchase a blackberry because "Mayor Street told [him] to." Hee hee!)

But Bob Casey's spokesman's response is strangest of all:

U.S. Sen. Bob Casey. Casey has a BlackBerry, but no plans for an iPhone. Spokesman Larry Smar calls Casey "technological in a business sense," adding, "I don't expect him to buy a Nintendo Wii or anything like that."

Bobby, are you kidding me? You gotta try Wario Ware. I don't know if I can be confident in a politician who doesn't want to use a his controller to shoot zombies and strangle gangsters, as well as defeat Gannon once again. Don't forget, Casey's home state does include Princess Zelda's hometown, the mythical land of Hyrule.

Clout | Hot off the wire: The iMayor dials alone [Daily News]

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June 04, 2007

The Friendly Mayor's Race

We all know how it really works: Michael Nutter won the mayor's race on May 15. The democrat has no chance of being beaten by Al Taubenberger (or, for that matter, ineligible candidate Larry West), unless pictures of Nutter with a dromedary that is not his wife surface.

But, of course, we citizens are supposed to pretend that's not the case, because it's nice to keep up the democracy facade, even though only 100,000 people voted for Nutter. (But whatever. The press wanted Nutter to win anyway, right?) But the good thing about the continuation of the mayor's race is that it's going to be the friendliest mayor's race in history. Both Nutter and Taubenberger don't want to attack each other at all.

"I wanted to set the tone of the campaign and make sure it was a positive one," Taubenberger said. Besides pledging to trade oatmeal recipes, he said, "We exchanged phone numbers so we can get a hold of each other very, very quickly" if need be.

I believe these two are going to make the city a happier place to live in. Soon, drug dealers and police will be exchanging oatmeal recipies, and homeless will be breaking bread with Rittenhouse Square residents.

Michael Nutter, reluctant celebrity [Inquirer]

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May 24, 2007

Mayor Al Dabbling In Poetry

Republican mayoral nominee Al Taubenberger has updated his website, and it appears he's attemping to capture the public's votes using some type of experimental poetry.

Keep it up, Al! You can call it a neo-sonnet and campaign on better funding for the written arts in public schools.

MayorAl 2007

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May 16, 2007

Mr. T To Face Mix Master Mike In Primary

As you may have heard, there was some sort of election last night. And in the Republican mayoral primary, mayoral hopeful Al Taubenberger easily defeated his many, many challengers and will move on to face the Democratic nominee in the November election.

Taubenberger, who the Inquirer notes has an answering machine in Fox Chase as his campaign headquarters, is running an uphill battle, as the Taubenberger is one of only 115 Republicans in the city, and like half of those are pro-lifers who are happy to vote for Democratic candidates for mayor.

Meanwhile, in the other primary, the smart guy outsmarted everybody, which is apparently shocking.

For GOP, an uphill battle begins [Inquirer]
A pugilist's sensibilities score a KO [Inquirer]

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May 15, 2007

Republican Mayoral Candidate Declares Race 'Exciting'

The text of the web site (mayoral2007.com) of Al Taubenberger, running unopposed today for the Republican nomination for mayor, in full:

I'm as curious as you are in who I'll be running against in the Fall.

It's exciting.

We can bring about real change.
We can attract more jobs.
We can have better policing.
We can better fund the arts.
We can stop waste and have a scandal-free government.
There's a lot of things we can do, and I'll be talking about all of them.

Continue reading "Republican Mayoral Candidate Declares Race 'Exciting'"

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Which Rich Guy Will Lead The City For 8 Years?

And here we go.

We've been through Milton Street singing on top of a casket. We've had Bob Brady tell us elephants will return to the zoo in his administration. We've had Tom Knox promise not to show movies at Dilworth Plaza. We've had Dwight Evans ask us not only where the beef is, but also tell us his crime record is beefy.

Michael Nutter told us he'd be opening up a shop to sell Philly-themed merchandise. Chaka Fattah brought out Shaft to attempt to win our votes. Bob Brady didn't know how a pension works. (That's okay, Bob, most of Philadelphia doesn't know what "vested" means either.) Tom Knox didn't know what Gilligan's Island was.

A guy in a shark costume told us not to vote Tom Knox. (He disappeared after Frank Keel got in the way and is presumed dead.) PW told you to vote for the mayor that looks good with a big nose and glasses. Jim Kenney predicted voters would vote for the guy they saw on the teevee most, and he may have been right.

The gay newspaper endorsed Brady. The bilingual one endorsed Knox. Every candidate told us he was just like us! Queena Bass continued to run for mayor while homeless man Jesus White took his first shot at the ballot. People got angry on messageboards and blogs. Websites were trolled. Accusations of racism were flung. These things happen.

Sam Katz told us the mayor's race would be close, then positioned himself for an independent run, then told us it'd be Nutter in a landslide. Sam Katz will be here to kick around for a while.

Fattah told us Mike Nutter had to remind himself he's African-American. (And Milton Street said Nutter was the Watermelon Man.) Somebody told us Knox was a good Catholic while Brady and Nutter didn't go to Catholic church anymore.

After today, it will -- let's pray -- all be over and some rich guy will be in position to lead the city for eight years, unless Al Taubenberger has photos of the eventual winner with a donkey who is not his wife. It might be the union guy or the poverty guy or the smart guy or the really rich guy or the "Who's the beef?" guy.

Hey, look at it this way: It won't be John Street.

It's election day! If you see anything exciting at the polls, notice a news anchor flashing viewers, find a funny campaign sign and/or anything else ridiculous, drop me a line at dmac [AT] philadelphiawilldo [.] com. If the day is exciting enough, I'm hoping youse can do my job for me. Then I can put my feet up.

[.pdf of Milton logo]

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March 02, 2007

Mayor's Race Roundup: Nutter Continues Solid, Smart Campaign Built On Issues That Nobody Really Wants To Pay Attention To

• While Milton Street was singing, Michael Nutter was introducing his zoning reform. Bor-ing! Wake us up when Nutter dances the cha-cha-cha while singing "What's Going On?" [The Next Mayor]

• A Democrat in Northeast Philly wants Republican mayoral 35-percent-of-the-vote getter Al Taubenberger to drop off the face of the earth; or, actually, to leave the Philadelphia Parking Authority board. Since Taubenberger is not going to, uh, win, everyone involved says that, no, he can stay on the board. [Northeast Times]

• Chaka Fattah responded to Sam Katz' assertion that his plan for taxing drivers who come into the city is "racially divisive." He says it, uh, isn't. His plan to tax white people for breathing, though, is still under fire. [Metro]

• Meanwhile, Gar Joseph reports people are attempting to convince Johnny Doc to endorse Bob Brady. In a normal mayoral election, this would be a complete shocker. In this race, it's pretty much below average. [Daily News]

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February 08, 2007

City Republican Party Finally Finds Person Who's Okay With Getting 35 Percent Of The Vote

Oh happy day! After months and months and months of not having a candidate, the city's Republican Party has finally settled on a nominee for the fake election in November. (The real one is in May or something.)

And that nominee: Al Taubenberger, head of the Greater Northeast Philadelphia Chamber of Commerce and letter writer to both the Northeast Times and News Gleaner. (One campaign platform has been set forth by that letter: He's against boys playing on girls' teams.)

So what will Taubenberger do to try to get the 35 percent or so of the vote he'll get in the general election? Eff if I know. More importantly: Will have have a campaign Myspace? Everyone knows you can't be a candidate for election without a Myspace page. Who doesn't want to be e-pals with Al Taubenberger?

If you're wondering about my personal stance on Taubenberger, it is this: I don't know anything about him, I don't know if he'd make a good mayor, I don't even know what the Greater Northeast Philadelphia Chamber of Commerce does. But he is running for mayor and he is making me write out his long name for the next nine months, and that's simply unacceptable. Street, Fumo, Johnny Doc, Goode: We like our politicians with short names. You better just change your name to just "Al."

Philadelphia GOP Names Taubenberger for Mayor's Race [KYW 1060]
Nov. 3, 2005 (!): The dangers of not reading the competition

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