April 15, 2008

Alan Keyes Campaigns In Hazleton

PW's Alli Katz notes that everyone's favorite presidential candidate, "Cowboy" Alan Keyes, is in Hazleton today to announce his presidential bid, even though he's already said he's running for president. But he's formally doing it in the city where the mayor hates illegal immigrants, just to show what a compassionate Christian he is.

Because third party candidates really have a shot at running the country, Keyes has left the Republican party and is now in the Constitution Party. What's Alan Keyes going to do as president? Oh, I dunno, declare a war on pornography.

I'm fond of reminding people that the meaning of the word "pornography" in its Greek root, pornos graphein, means to describe the harlot's work, to describe the business of the harlot.

He's fond of reminding people the root of pornography comes from the Greek for prostitution. A hit at parties! He is definitely getting my vote this November. There's a live video stream on his website; his speech is apparently at 8:30 tonight. Out late on a school night!

Finally, A Candidate We Can Get Behind [Independence Brawl]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:29 PM | Comments (19)

February 29, 2008

Rick Santorum Breaks Big News

American voters will choose between two candidates this election year.

This is the first sentence of his column yesterday. (Also, the Inquirer printed his email address wrong.) Thanks for the big scoop, Ricky!

Obama: A harsh ideologue hidden by a feel-good image [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

February 28, 2008

Socialist Workers Party Running A Candidate Just As Eligible As John McCain

The New York Times big scoop today is, basically, something that's been floating around on stupid Internet messageboards for a while now. (The NYT -- and others -- for some reason think the Internet is real life, and so Matt Drudge and McCain_SuX_6969 get to influence the media.) Anyway, apparently John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone, which makes him ineligible to be president.

As you know, I'm a bit interested in ineligible candidates (aka "criminals"); I paid a bit of attention to Larry West's ultimately doomed campaign for mayor. And, as such, it's nice to know I'll be able to joke about another (Walnuts!) one in the presidential.

But that doesn't mean he's the only ineligible candidate! In addition to McCain, the presidential race also has Socialist Workers Party candidate Róger Calero. The SWP candidate visited Temple recently, and PW's über-talented Cassidy Hartmann talked with him for her MTV political thing.

Calero was born in Nicaragua, though. While the U.S. had invaded and taken the Panama Canal Zone at the time of McCain's birth (1786), by Calero's time Uncle Sam was content simply to destabilize these countries in more clandestine ways. And while he is of age to run for president, the Constitution forbids him from actually being elected. He can still get on some states' ballots, though (but not Pennsylvania, where it is impossible).

One might think Calero could at least have an army of hilarious online followers, but dedication to the Socialist cause is a little lacking these days. (The illegal presidential candidate summed up Temple the way you could sum up pretty much every school: "Temple is generally a liberal school, but not that liberal in the sense of revolutionary politics.")

But with smaller numbers, it appears the supporters of our fair Socialist candidate are a bit more realistic than fans of a certain other candidate with socialist supporters. Gordon Barnes (at left in photo) brought Calero to Temple, and here's what he said: "We realize Róger’s not going to win." Now if only Ron Paul's supporters could get that. Or, for that matter, John McCain's.

The Candidate for Change? It’s All Relative. [Think MTV]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2008

Rendell, Bloomberg To Form Chosen Ticket?

With the Eagles out of the playoffs this year and his weekends free, Ed Rendell will appear this Saturday with Michael Bloomberg in California.

The Associated Press takes this opportunity to let us know this will spark rumors of an independent political ticket for president in 2008, as there is no way a Jewish former mayor of New York City and a Jewish former mayor of Philadelphia -- the two most beloved cities in the country, I believe -- could possibly lose the presidency. Will it play in Peoria? Where won't it play in Peoria?

Rendell's spokesman says the governor is not going to be running for vice president with Bloomberg and says he's just going to chill with Gov. Terminator and Bloomberg to talk about infrastructure. But that's much less fun. All hail Vice President Rendell!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:30 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

December 26, 2007

Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?

Since I fell back on an old standby and made fun of Barbaro and somebody got mad at me (see comments), I figured I'd shoot at another fish in the barrel and make fun of Ron Paul.

I think people actually know who Ron Paul is now, since my mom says she likes his idea of getting rid of the income tax, which he apparently talked about on Meet the Press, and a bunch of other people knew who he was, too. This is the man who doesn't believe in evolution, which probably has no bearing on a president but still sort of creeps me out since it's, like, ninth grade science. Does Ron Paul not believe in Charlemagne from my freshman year world history class, too?

But nothing I can make fun of Ron Paul about is funnier than things his supporters write. Libertarians have been trolling the Internet since around 2001; Ron Paul supporters have just upped the ante by trolling real life with a blimp instead. Ron Paul supporters do not like jokes about Ron Paul. And Ron Paul supporters are dead serious about Ron Paul. Bla bla bla important presidential election whatever.

Fortunately, none of this will matter because some website reports there is a neocon plot to assassinate Ron Paul!

Continue reading "Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?"

Posted by D-Mac at 11:33 AM | Comments (96) | TrackBack (0)

December 14, 2007

Ron Paul Commenters Now In Charge Of Blimp

Youse guys remember Ron Paul? Presidential candidate, hates Iraq/drug war and taxes, likes gold, etc., etc.?

Well, his supporters have actually gotten a blimp in the air and it's now flying high above... North Carolina, or something.

Here's a gallery on Flickr. This is by far the best one.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:36 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

December 12, 2007

Bill Clinton Surprisingly Stumps For Wife

KYW 1060 keeps reporting this morning about the "key endorsement" Hillary Clinton picked up yesterday from Mayor-elect Michael Nutter, as if he's going to be the key person to put Hill over the top. But saying Hillary has "the right priorities for Philadelphia," Nutter gave her his endorsement, which had nothing to do with Bill Clinton being in town.

One day after being heckled by a robot, Clinton rebounded to tell you to vote for his wife and that he'd even be campaigning for her even if they weren't married. What if she had divorced him? Would he do it then?

Hillary basically has this thing in the bag; all she has to do is beat a dude who doesn't believe in evolution (Mike Huckabee) sometime next year (I don't know when). Then again, she has been endorsed by John Street, and she is a Democrat, so anything's possible.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

November 12, 2007

Comic Book Character, Statue Rally For Ron Paul

You may have wondered what, exactly, the eclectic collection of people cheering for an old doctor were doing on Saturday afternoon outside Independence Hall? Well, silly, it's the Ron Paul Revolution! Or, rather, the Ron Paul RLOVEution or something; I dunno, it was on their signs. Maybe Ron Paul is the hippy candidate. He is for ending the War on Drugs.

Ron Paul is, as you may know, for ending pretty much everything, including the Dept. of Education, UNICEF and the Free Puppies For Sick Children program. He also voted against, I 'unno, Rosa Parks or someone like that getting some Congressional medal, because he votes against all of those frivolous things. Oh, he's also the only Republican candidate smart enough to be against the Iraq War.

Paul also wants to change our currency to the gold standard or something (eh, not quite), which means this is about the closest we've gotten to the historic election of 1896, where William McKinley defeated William Jennings Bryan in the election you never quite understood when you learned it in grade school. Oh! Free Silver! Cross of Gold speech! This is easy to get in 8th grade. (Oh, come on. Being able to go to a bank and deposit whatever and get coins? Guh-wha?)

So that's Ron Paul, I guess. But who were his supporters? Right: Online, they're a band of angry commenters who travel from blog to blog, angrily telling you to support Ron Paul. In person, though? Mainly these people:

So, uhh, the Statue of Liberty and the V for Vendetta guy support Ron Paul. Oh, no wonder he's so popular!

Update: Be sure to read the comments. So far, this is my favorite: "His supporters are real folks that you can't persuade anymore, much to your dismay, you don't matter any longer. We can take care of our own news now, thanks anyway." I look forward to the first edition of the Ron Paul Press!

Philadelphia Freedom [Reason]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:50 AM | Comments (147) | TrackBack (0)

September 18, 2007

Boy, Hillary Clinton Sure Does Open Her Mouth Wide

If you remember back a few weeks ago, I did a throwaway post with a funny photo of Hillary Clinton from an appearance she made in Philadelphia. I did not know people from the vast corners of the Internet would travel the tubes just to come to my website and post a probably unfunny caption.

But, since I'm now your source for big Hillary Clinton open-mouth news, I decided it was time for a little research (read: a few pages of Yahoo! News Photos) on more Hillary fun. As you may well know, ordinary photos are made 100 times more hilarious when politicians are in them. For example: Corn farmer in overalls and straw hat at county fair, boring. Jimmy Carter in overalls and straw hat at county fair, hilarious.

Back to HIllary: She sure opens her mouth wide a lot. You would think a candidate who some people might already think of as a big mouth (not me) would keep her mouth closed. But, true, candidates do have to talk, so she could have some trouble doing that. To her credit, she does do a pretty respectable job of not looking seriously fucking creepy like Rudy Guiliani, who I think is going to haunt my dreams for the next few months.

Yeah, I'm going to make you click through to the jump for the photos so as to not slowdown the front page for the five of you on 56k modems. If you're already on the permalinked page, then why just look below these words!

Continue reading "Boy, Hillary Clinton Sure Does Open Her Mouth Wide"

Posted by D-Mac at 02:39 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

April 27, 2007

Road To 10,000 Losses: Losing In November

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With a 4-2 loss to the National yesterday, the Phillies stand at 9967 losses, only 33 away from 10,000.

Geeze, even when the Phillies won't be playing -- November 4, 2008 -- they're going to lose.

How, you say?

Yep. George Phillies, Libertarian candidate for president. According to his official website, he's against "selling our grandchildren into de facto debt slavery," for civil liberties and presumably for all the normal libertarian free market and such.

Oh, and he's for ending the Internet poker ban. ("Real Americans know: Poker is as American as apple pie.") This guy is looking better and better every second.

Plus, hello, his last name is Phillies. I didn't even know there were people with that last name! God, what a tragedy it must be to go through life with that last name. Everywhere you go, people associate you with the worst baseball team of all time.

George Phillies for President [Thanks, Brad]
Phillies for President [Myspace]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:43 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

March 12, 2007

Jack McCoy To Indict 100 People, Too

Hey kids! D'jou like Law & Order? How about L&O character Arthur Branch? Ahh, Arthur Branch, he's the DA. Jack McCoy's boss. Yes, yes, that guy. The guy in the photo. Okay. God it? Good, good.

Uh, where was I? Oh, right, Arthur Branch. Well, Arthur Branch, or at last his real-life alter-ego Fred Dalton Thompson, is thinking of running for President. Yes, you might be able to vote for the guy who kinda-sorta know from L&O. Thompson was a also a senator from Tennessee from 1994 to 2003, but really the only reason anybody's suggesting he run for president is he's a semi-recognizable guy from a TV show that airs 24 hours a day on TNT.

If you're wondering, in addition to a bunch of conservative positions -- pro-life, anti-gay marriage, anti-gun control, pro-war -- Thompson also has two views that will surely get him elected to leader of the free world: (1) More troops in Iraq and (2) A pardon for Scooter Libby. That second issue, of course, is the most important one to 99 percent of Americans.

In other news, Richard Belzer will be running as Det. John Munch in next New York City mayoral election. He'll probably win.

Actor Fred Thompson considers 2008 run [AP/Boston.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

February 26, 2007

Ed Rendell Won't Challenge William Howard Taft For Title Of 'Most Rotund Person In White House'

While at a National Governors Association meeting in Washington over the weekend, Ed Rendell quelled any rumors, not that there were any, that he was going to be on a ticket for Vice President, saying he'd rather be governor.

"I like to be my own boss," he said. This is good, of course, so we won't be subjected to Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll, who spends her time in office having the state senate serenaded by a parrot. Although this would certainly up the comedy potential in Pennsylvania, it's probably better we have a governor who doesn't bring parrots in to sing "Camptown Races" to the legislature.

It is sad, though, that Rendell won't get a chance to go after William Howard Taft's record of "most rotund president or vice president." However, after seeing him last night at the Oscars, it appears Al Gore is vying for that title in the 2008 elections.

Rendell says he won't run for vice president in '08 [AP/Center Daily Times]
Al, Tipper and ex-Futurama writer Kristin Gore [AP/Yahoo!]
Oct. 26, 2005: Singing parrot upsets top Pa. senator (this entry is joke free)

Posted by D-Mac at 02:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)