Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: This column is a good example of one of the problems with Daily News columns (in general). Apparently, the Turf Club is stiffing an employee out of about 14 grand. Said employee is described in terms like, “a struggling, single mother raising three young kids.” Great. So? Okay, so we feel bad for her? So fuck the Turf Club? Approximately 99 percent of non-John Baer Daily News columns are written with similar emotional appeals.

Ronnie Polaneczky: See! Here’s another example. It’s about some trough a car hit in South Philly, and how nobody knows who is supposed to pay to fix it. But look! Even the trough has a heartwarming backstory!

The sooner [the trough is fixed] the better. Because the trough, I learned, has a noble Philadelphia pedigree.

A century ago, animal-protection advocates pushed hard for placement of troughs all over the city, where our work animals were treated so badly they’d collapse in the street from over-work and dehydration.

“There was a big, philanthropic trend in Philadelphia to install troughs and fountains for horses and dogs,” says Sue Leary, president of the American Anti-Vivisection Society, whose recent 125th-anniversary publication features great photos from the dedication ceremony of the Bainbridge Street trough.

“The troughs literally saved animals’ lives.”

See? A heroic trough. I have to believe it’s also a single parent raising a couple of feed bags on its own.

Michael Smerconish: Oh, look, it’s a fake strategy memo addressed to John McCain about his vice presidential nominee. Wait, what? Like, seriously, it’s addressed directly to McCain and uses the word “you” about 4500 times. What the hell is the point of this column? Didn’t any editor say that? Well, ha ha, the Daily News has laid off all its editors.

(Also, if Obama picks Joe Biden like Smerconish predicts, I’m not voting for him.)