December 28, 2007

Puppy Comes To Rescue Of Blog Editor

Okay, I haven't posted a puppy photo in a while, unless you count yesterday, and I don't. There is absolutely nothing in the world going on today unless you care about Pakistan. Not only do I not really care about that story, it doesn't really fit on this blog so I get to ignore it. Hooray!

[photo via Flickr]

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Besides Clout, there was nothin'! Best Abridged Daily News Columnists ever!

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Rick Mariano Finds Prison System Lacking

We've all sort of forgotten about Rick Mariano, since the former City Councilman is still in prison for a few more years. But the Daily News' Gar Joseph found his Myspace page -- which the Daily News says is some 23-year-old's page -- that a friend updates for him.

And, apparently, if you go to prison, you realize that prisons in America are horribly run and nobody really cares.

The latest, dated Nov. 23, reads, "It still amazes me that in the greatest country in the world we have such backwards penal practices. People who are no threat to society in any way are wasting time, energy and potential in stagnant confinement, denied any opportunity to make some form of restitution for our mistakes.

"We all suffer, family suffers most. The public pays and nobody benefits.

"Bassackwards."

Yes, Rick Mariano is also talking about himself here, but let's not be so cynical. He gets it!

Free Rick Mariano [Myspace]

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December 27, 2007

Slowest Day Ever Interrupted By Cute Puppy

Chinook the Mini Goldendoodle [Daily Puppy]

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Street's Last Act To Whip City Into Shape

Leave it to John Street to introduce an initiative that references the 12 Days of Christmas... after Christmas. Yes, one of the mayor's final acts in office is the city's new health initiative.

You may remember John Street as the guy who's in actual shape and who takes care of himself, unlike a previous mayor who shall remain nameless. Street got the city out of the pointless #1 spot in Men's Health's fattest cities list, and now he's doing belated Christmas caroling.

"On the twelth day of Christmas, the Mayor gave to me, 12 celebrations, 11 bikin' buddies, 10 acts of kindness, 9 sunlight minutes, 8 tips on eating, 7 hours of resting, 6 lung expansions, 5 super greens, 4 luscious fruits, 3 action workouts, 2 water jugs, and a health plan, en-tire-ly FREE!"

Whee. Now that's a convincing list to get you into shape.

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City Toilet Removed, But It Will Be Back

Phillyskyline's Brad Maule clues me in on a development I should have been paying more attention to. The pay toilet is gone!

The toilet opened in November 2006 and probably attracted a few customers or something. The toilet was removed because it was simply a pilot toilet on loan from Wall USA, which along with CBS and Clearchannel are bidding for Philadelphia's street furniture (read: ads) contract.

Anyway, we have a few ad- and toilet-free months (okay, not really ad-free) until the winning bidder gets to put a ton of toilets all over the city. Brad (who's responsible for the photo) has more at his website.

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Finally! New Dollar Coins Unveiled!

Ahh, yes, it's time once again for the running Philadelphia Will Do series about how the new presidential coin series will finally make America awesome again.

The Mint today previewed the 2008 coins, which will feature James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson and Martin Van Buren. The 5, 6, 7, 8 presidents will surely make dollar coins finally accepted in this country.

Also, Martin Van Buren kinda looks like Larry Fine, making him our stoogiest president.

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Local HS Hoops Star Still On Pace To Be Rich

Top-ranked high school basketball player Tyreke Evans got into a bit of a pickle the other day and ended up driving away from the scene of a shooting.

Jamar "Mar Mar" Evans, Tyreke's cousin, is charged with first- and third-degree murder. The shooting apparently stemmed from this: "Palmer said he thinks Tyreke Evans was caught in a gang war between the Toby Farm Bullz and the Maddi Block." Oh, but of course. Although he was at the scene of the shooting, it's okay, college still want him to play for 'em. (He also apparently didn't do anything?)

The case will not hurt his chances of possibly winding up at Villanova, according to Reggie. Wildcats coach Jay Wright attended an American Christian home game on Dec. 13.

"We love Jay Wright," Reggie said. "Jay and his staff have been to most if not all of Tyreke's games, even after this thing occurred. I give coach Wright credit, because he knows Tyreke and this family. We're not ruling out Villanova, and we hope Villanova doesn't rule us out. But my biggest concern is that Tyreke doesn't get painted in a bad light, which has already happened in some people's eyes. That's messed up. It's what has me and my whole family angry right now."

Aw, everybody loves Jay Wright -- he's such a snappy dresser.

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All Pennsylvania Does Is Discount Bridges

Since the state has a ton of old bridges that are falling apart and would be pointless to fix, they've come up with a novel way to get rid of them: Sell them to the highest bidder.

The term "highest bidder" is a bit of a misnomer here; the state sold a bridge in 2001 for $22.

PennDOT has a bunch of bridges listed on the website; you can apparently buy them if you have the money to take them away. The bridges will probably collapse eventually because a ton of them are made out of parchment; please be careful.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:13 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Eh, this isn't bad, it's a list of all the mistakes John Baer made throughout the year.

Michael Smerconish: Uh, some dude sent Smerconish a Larry Craig-themed Christmas card. I see.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:01 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

River Stymies Fake George Washington Again

Somebody on my Facebook posted the news video of the Washington's crossing reenactors getting pushed downstream by the current. Washington must have been Superman in order to make it across; it seems like they never actually get to cross the river due to the weather.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:36 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

This Guy Should Be A Blog Commenter

In New Jersey, the top official in charge of the state's Open Public Records Act has filed harassment charges against a critic of hers. As you all know, voicing your opinion is illegal, and so blah blah blah. Let's just get to the funny quote and the reason for the charges:

The critic, Thomas Caggiano, 62, of Stanhope, is scheduled to appear Friday before Trenton Municipal Court Judge Louis S. Sancinito to be tried on harassment charges filed in October by Catherine Starghill, executive director of the Government Records Council,the state agency that makes sure government bodies comply with the law that guarantees access to public documents.

Caggiano -- who has cited that law in pursuit of records several times and is a critic of Starghill and the records council -- said the charges stem from a cartoon he sent the GRC depicting a digital rectal exam (without a penis included).

If only Alycia Lane had done this instead of allegedly punching a cop. I enjoy that this is what the guy being charged admitted to. It's certainly, um, interesting. And confusing. Without a penis? What?

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December 26, 2007

Make Fun Of Ron Paul And Get Fired From Your Job

Somebody emailed pretty much every staffer who works at Philadelphia Weekly except me and sent them an email about how my post about Ron Paul made Baby Jesus cry or something. (For reference, Anthony Clifton owns PW.)

What you are allowing is unprofessional. Ron Paul is a presidential candidate. I remember the day JFK was killed. I remember the day MLK was killed. I remember the day RFK was killed. I remember the day George Wallace was shot. I remember the day Ronald Reagan was shot. I remember the day Jerry Ford was almost shot. I am sure there is a Philadelphia way to deal with idiots like Daniel McQuade but in the mean time I feel terminating his position would be enough. If something happens to a Presidential Candidate, the blood will be on your hands and I will point out to the media you had the chance to take the article down or change it and ANTHONY CLIFTON chose not to.

Apparently, telling jokes about and linking to a report about Ron Paul possibly being assassinated by a pot of neo-conservatives is a horrible capital offense or something and I should be fired. And maybe be killed, too? I dunno. Hooray for the Internet!

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Alleged Perv Priest Apparently Found Me Ugly

Oh, yeah, that priest from Ryan who allegedly stole $900k and molested three students? I was an altar boy for him.

I don't actually remember much about the priest, Rev. Charles Newman, who was president of Archbishop Ryan High School and said mass at my parish, St. Martha. He actually never said much to us; everybody went to his masses because he said them fast.

Anyway, yeah, so: The alleged molester priest did not molest me. Hooray! NBC 10 has the Archdiocese of Philadelphia's statement on the issue; they confirm the abuse took place, pretty much.

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Washington's Crossing Still Remembered By Losers

Yesterday was not only the annual Pagan Tree Festival, it was also the anniversary of Washington's crossing of the Delaware, where he braved icy conditions (and piranhas) to go to Trenton, where he was shot. But then he recovered and killed the Hessians, German mercenaries who were, apparently, incompetent.

One thing they weren't, though, was drunk, as the Courier Times pointed out yesterday. The Hessians weren't drunk, but they sure were good people!

Fischer writes that the Hessians also were not mercenaries per se. Rulers of small principalities in Europe often hired out their well-trained armies to other nations.

The soldiers had a profit motive as well, making money not just from their regular pay, but from whatever they could plunder.

Hessian officers “despised the American language of liberty and freedom as the cant of cowards, traitors and poltroons . . . These were men of courage and honor who believed in service to their prince, and they lived and died by a warrior's creed,” Fischer wrote.

Meanwhile, yesterday's re-enactment of the crossing of the Delaware held up to the example of courage set by George Washington when it was cancelled due to strong currents.

"Tonight we cross back into Jersey," said [Ronald] Rinaldi, speaking in the role of Washington to troops assembled along the shores of the Delaware. "The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage and conduct that you show ... I am resolved that by dawn both Trenton and victory shall be ours."

After boarding the boats, Rinaldi and the crews of two other boats waited to cross, and watched as the first boat attempting the short voyage got carried downstream. A rescue craft stationed in the river snared the boat and returned it to the Pennsylvania shore. About 25 re-enactors were aboard.

I believe Washington had a rescue boat help him out, too -- isn't that who did that painting?

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Donovan McNabb To Celebrate 7 Or 8-Win Season By Going To Disney World

Want to boo Donovan McNabb in person? Well, you can apparently meet the Eagles QB with the Amish beard at this creepy-sounding event where you get to see pro athletes and ESPN personalities. Ooh, I want to shake Scott van Pelt's hand! Anyway, Donovan McNabb stops a parade for some lady and then talks to Mickey Mouse. This is almost as good as a Super Bowl win.

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Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?

Since I fell back on an old standby and made fun of Barbaro and somebody got mad at me (see comments), I figured I'd shoot at another fish in the barrel and make fun of Ron Paul.

I think people actually know who Ron Paul is now, since my mom says she likes his idea of getting rid of the income tax, which he apparently talked about on Meet the Press, and a bunch of other people knew who he was, too. This is the man who doesn't believe in evolution, which probably has no bearing on a president but still sort of creeps me out since it's, like, ninth grade science. Does Ron Paul not believe in Charlemagne from my freshman year world history class, too?

But nothing I can make fun of Ron Paul about is funnier than things his supporters write. Libertarians have been trolling the Internet since around 2001; Ron Paul supporters have just upped the ante by trolling real life with a blimp instead. Ron Paul supporters do not like jokes about Ron Paul. And Ron Paul supporters are dead serious about Ron Paul. Bla bla bla important presidential election whatever.

Fortunately, none of this will matter because some website reports there is a neocon plot to assassinate Ron Paul!

Basically, Paul has too good a shot at winning the presidency now with his double-digit poll numbers in one state and so the neo-cons are going to knock him off for some reason. But that's okay, says Ron, I'm ready to die for my cause.

Ron Paul himself has stated on a previous o ccasion that he is aware of the dangers of being such a bold icon for freedom and understands that political assassinations have occurred in the past.

In a June appearance on The Alex Jones Show, Congressman Paul acknowledged that such a threat is "real," agreeing with a number of historical examples where leaders were killed or attacked for successfully standing up to the system. "That's right. They'll do it," Paul said, making reference with Alex Jones to upstarts like Andrew Jackson, "The Kingfish" Huey Long, Bobby Kennedy, George Washington and even George Wallace.

Another secret service source told Estulin that the message scrolled across the bottom of the screen during Ron Paul's CNN interview on Tuesday, "Paul is dead, Paul is dead, Paul is dead," was potentially more than just a matter of quoting a joke made by Mike Huckabee about attacks on his campaign ads, but in fact could be taken as a threat or even a cue to Paul's would-be assassin.

Famed assassination victims George Washington and Andrew Jackson are so much like Ron Paul. The George Wallace comparison is a nice touch. He means this guy, right?

Update: Philadelphia Will Do does not condone or encourage killing anyone, be it Barbaro or Ron Paul. I am sure Ron Paul will not be assassinated. Thank you.

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: For some reason, I hope people are chagrined by Andy Reid's lawyer-approved column in Phillymag.

Chris Brennan: Ha, it's not just the West Philly El project that has SEPTA annoying people. SEPTA does it on Jenkintown rail tracks, too! Oh, and people there lie.

Carol Towarnicky: Sorry, Carol, I went to church on Christmas, and I don't know if I can deal with Christianity again for a little bit.

Fatimah Ali: "I instinctively get mad when a homeless person approaches me[.]" It seems kind of weird to get mad; wouldn't you be mad like every time you walk through Center City? That's no way to have a good day.

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PWD: Easing Back Into The Week With You

Yes, yes, it's the day after Christmas. I am still groggy and still wishing it was, say, last weekend so I could sleep in. But that's okay! I all so recognize that you are that way, too, and it is my job as an official Internet Time Waster™ to make sure you can ease into the week without any freakouts.

And what better way to celebrate a day back at work than the greatest sign in Philadelphia, Center City's Friendly Donuts. (Thanks, Geekadelphia.) Hopefully, the sign of the greatest donut shop in the world will give you a smile to start your day. Merry Boxing Day!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas From Philadelphia Will Do

May your Christmas Day be as joyous as the day you heard the news this stupid horse was finally dead and you'd never have to hear about him again. That's how it went, right?

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December 21, 2007

Whiny New Jerseyans Complain About Rock Festival

Pressure from Philadelphians forced the proposed music festival in Philadelphia to move to Vineland, but the promoters there are facing an even bigger challenge than some connected local businessmen. People in Vineland have organized to protest the concert!

The group is hilariously called NARCS, for Neighbors Against Rock Concert Site. This extremely specific advocacy group has a Yahoo! email address and are sure to have a crappy blogspot site any day now as well. They are rallying to keep the Red Hot Chili Peppers (or whoever) out of Vineland because of their hippie attitudes and their rock and roll music.

"This is a rural neighborhood. It’s surrounded by houses. There are farm fields. It just does not seem like the place that they should be having a concert with an unpredictable number of people coming."

There's only one way for Vineland to stop the concert now: Banning dancing. Just wait.

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, that whole "contacts for minority-owned firms" thing they say they've been doing for like 25 years isn't really happening.

Christine Flowers: Somehow, the Duke rape case was political correctness gone wrong. Whatever, she hadn't mentioned it in a while, she had to put it in there somewhere.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:05 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Friday Morning Image Mixup Fun

And then he used the money to make himself look like Alycia Lane, like that creepy MTV show? Weird.

Yes, if you're wondering, I used to go to this man's masses.

D.A.: Priest from Ryan stole 900G [Daily News]

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December 20, 2007

Philadelphia Sure To Win American Idol Knockoff

Clearly, I should have been watching more Clash of the Choirs, featuring an absolutely out-of-control Patti LaBelle. The finale is on tonight.

[via Philebrity.]

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Nobody Can Stop Talking About Alycia Lane

Yesterday, House majority leader Sam Smith (who?) whined about Alycia Lane calling Ed Rendell after she was arrested. A day after his spokesman confirmed the call, Rendell called into 610 WIP's morning show (stay with me here) and said, naw, it was just a friend calling a friend.

Michael Klein says Mr. Smith doesn't believe Rendell and Lane's stories: "You know, he said, 'Just because she wanted somebody to listen to her.' Well, if you believe that, I got a bridge for you... I can't imagine that she called him for any other reason than to help her out."

Meanwhile, a few people fired up their bootleg copies of Photoshop and made funny graphics and now there are tons of places to buy crap; by tons of places, I mean "Cafepress."

Posted by D-Mac at 11:58 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Kerri-Lee Halkett Attempts To Regain City's Attention

If you're a more recent visit to this website, you might believe Alycia Lane is my favorite news anchor in the city. You'd be wrong. The news anchor thing goes back a while, but earlier this year Kerri-Lee Halkett was chronicled with Alycia Lane-like precision. (And, really, I can't believe there isn't a feature on Philadelphia Will Do called "Erin O'Hearnspotting.")

Halkett didn't do anything like punch a cop, but she did hold off Vince Fumo's advances (stay with me here) to eventually date NBC 10 anchor Jamison Uhler.

Yesterday, Dan Gross reported the two have split, and Michael Klein says they're just too busy to date. I'm not really sure what this means -- that thing where you stop dating someone but still sleep with them? -- but the 36-year-old Halkett said something about relationships and time and I dunno.

Halkett is also apparently busy with a local "Dancing with Local Celebrities" event along with new Fox 29 weatherguy John Bolaris. No word on what other news anchors are included in this list of, uhm, celebrities.

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Wah, wah¹, why doesn't anybody want to hear the good news I have to tell them! They only care about Alycia and Jocelyn!

Michael Smerconish: Smerconish finally figures out this new-fangled "Internet search" thing and plugs his stupid book again. On the plus side, he's writing about Alycia Lane. Oh, and he has a completely inaccurate part of his column where he says the tabloids up there don't write about her, even though she's in the New York Post a ton.

¹ "Wah, wah" is a trademark of Christine Flowers.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Local Russians Too Scared Of Putin To Comment

In an award that's apparently still given out, yesterday Time named Russian overlord Vladimir Putin its Person of the Year. Wait, did that dude get poisoned with polonium this year? I guess so.

KYW 1060 went to Northeast Philly to ask the city's sizable Russian contingent what they felt about Putin's honor. And, uh, clearly the city's Russian community understands him pretty well.

What did people in Philadelphia's Russian community think about that? "No politics -- no!" Many people like this woman were refusing to answer questions about Putin being named person of the year by Time.

Another woman said only that she is this country now and would like to talk about American politics. She thinks Hillary Clinton will be the next president.

Still another Russian immigrant to Philadelphia, Oxana, has been in this country for about two years. She didn't care very much about the distinction that Putin has received from Time but says he is a good leader: "I don't know what to say about it and I don't care about it very much. All I just want to say, he is a good president for the country right now and hopefully the country will continue to develop."

"No, really, I don't know much about it. No, I didn't think anything bad about Dear Leader. No, don't put me into the re-education camp!" It's good to see Hillary Clinton is not as frightening as Putin, though; that's a good sign for her next November.

Area's Russian Community Reacts (or Doesn't) to Putin Being Named ''Person of the Year'' [KYW 1060]

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December 19, 2007

Your Holiday Shopping Is Officially Over

Just make sure to order this "Daily News Sports Department" shirt, which is the perfect gift for the person who has enjoyed being yelled at by Bill Conlin and Marcus Hayes this year.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:05 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Porn Triumphs In New Jersey

It's been just over a year since I wrote about Cherry Hill's never-ending battle against smut, and with good reason. Cherry Hill has been defeated by smut in a rout, and even the group fighting against "smut" has this message on its website's messageboard: "Sexy Models and Beauty Queens looking for Sugar Daddy!"

Absolutely, 100 percent total loss hasn't stopped everyone, though. Today the Courier-Post tell us the fight is "heating up" and gets the relevant quotes:

"The mayor will continue to fight against the invasion of deviant businesses and the sale of explicit material from corrupting our strong neighborhoods and family values in Cherry Hill," said township spokesman Dan Keashen.

Of course, this deviant business blocking comes with a price. Cherry Hill Township's insurance carrier agreed to pay $225,000 to the businesspeople blocked from opening an adult video store. But the township hasn't signed the order, so it's going to cost a lot more than that in the end.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:51 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Alycia Lane, Back When Traffic Was Good To Her

Here's Alycia Lane introducing a report on "Flirting in Traffic," which is apparently a website, a stupid thing to write about. Notice which story of the two notes there is no nudity on the site. Mmm-hmm.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:52 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Phil Goldsmith: Oh, it's a column that's written like a movie review in order to make a point about City Council. Oh.

Jill Porter: Finally, an Alycia Lane column! Geeze, three days 'til a columnist weighed in? Anyway, whatever, here's the only line of note, some advice to Alycia: "It's not OK to act badly when so much of the news is about public officials acting badly." Yeah, I'm sure that's what was going through her head.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:00 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Princeton Virgin Beats Himself Up, Breaks Law

Of all the annoying complaints, #1 on the list has to be a rich white dude complaining about discrimination. It used to be the only white people who could legitimately complain they were being seriously discriminated against were suburban skateboarders, but now that John Street gave money to build the John Street Memorial Skate Park (actually, Franklin's Paine, which I guess sounds better than Rizzo's Goode), who knows anymore. But, yeah, white dudes complaining about stuff is pretty much "the Internet," which explains a lot.

But, anyway, sometimes people complaining will go to great lengths to prove they actually are under attack. Case in point? Princeton University junior Francisco Nava, who faked an attack on himself and reported it to the police. Nava claimed the attack took place because of his conservative views. He even sent threatening emails to himself, fellow students and a professor to give his fake attack some merit!

Nava, you see, is part of the Anscombe Society, a campus group that opposes premarital sex. (It is the most popular group on Princeton's campus.) The group has pow wows where they fantasize about small government and moving to gay-free countries like Iran, but nobody really pays much attention to them because they're against premarital sex.

Anscombe president Kevin Staley-Joyce, though, shed some light on the situation after a meeting of the club's virgin members to the Princeton school paper.

"He wanted something big and showy as opposed to the approach that we set out in our mission statement," Staley-Joyce said. The statement describes Anscombe's goals as providing "social support and a voice" for students committed to its ideals and "intellectual engagement" on campus.

Once again, a sub-par mission statement has caused more problems than it's solved.

Posted by D-Mac at 08:07 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 18, 2007

Dead Dogs, Bad Cops & Thieving City Workers

Obligatory first sentence about media attention paid to Alycia Lane followed by a segue into a bullet-point list of recent people committing funny crimes. KYW 1060 does the same thing but sums it up with a headline: 3 Area High Schools Affected by Unrelated Incidents.

• Philadelphia police officer Malik Snell was arrested for allegedly being the getaway man for a home invasion. See, here's who shoulda been punched! [Daily News]

• An assistant to Donna Reed Miller was arrested for extortion. Theresa Pinkett allegedly extorted $5,000 and a cell phone in exchange for providing assistance on real estate issues while providing constituent services for Miller. So... Theresa Pinkett is basically "taxes." [Philadelphia Business Journal]

• The Turnpike Authority dropped a lawsuit against a pair of dead motorists it sued for damage to the roadway. Blah blah outrage blah blah blah. Whatever. I want to be able to sue Barbaro and he's dead. [Phillyburbs]

• Iraq security firm Blackwater murdered the New York Times' dog. OMFG now the people will finally be pissed at Blackwater, not like when they killed humans. [Wonkette]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:31 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

Serial Puppy Thieves On Loose In Delaware

Three women -- see, it wasn't me -- stole a West Highland White Terrier puppy from a pet shop, which is a place you shouldn't pay to get a dog from, let alone steal. The Pet Place is Hockessin, Del, is now missing a $600 female pup, the second Westie taken from the store in just over a month.

According to The Early Show, though, police departments are now using CSI-type tools and, uh, special effects to solve animal crimes. Animal CSI, they're calling it.

"I have to be the voice. I have to be the voice of the animal... It is very much just like 'CSI,' except our victims cannot testify," says the forensic vet of the New York ASPCA. Of course, prosecutors have decried the CSI effect, which makes it harder to get convictions since jurors are expecting slam dunk cases. It's best to just help the animals, though.

[Image licensed via Creative Commons]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:18 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Alycia Lane Is All Over, Everywhere

It's really tough attempting to decide which of the Alycia Lane photos local news organizations are using is the greatest. Is it the 1990 high school photo? The photo the Daily News credits to some guy on Myspace? Or the one of her with Bon Jovi, which I believe was also hyped as an "exclusive" interview, even though that's about as exclusive as me.

The main story is, of course, her attempt to call Gov. Rendell after being arrested. This, of course, makes absolutely little to no sense, but, hey, maybe Eddie has power over the NYPD, too. Or maybe he just drives so fast he could post bail for her quickly. (Jon Corzine would work, too.)

Rendell spokesman Chuck Ardo confirmed the call at a specific time of 5 p.m. yesterday with this excuse: She wanted the governor to "make sure he knew her side of the story because he is an opinion-maker and runs around in influential circles." Alycia, come on! You know the person you really needed to call is me.

CBS 3's holiday special, Celebrate the Season, will air tonight, although Lane will probably be cut from it. Lane's people are denying the allegations and suddenly she's starting to look way more sympathetic than Jocelyn Kirsch to a lot of people. An Imus-like comeback? Maybe, but at least Celebrate the Season will get a healthy ratings bump.

The call to Rendell plays right into certain hands, of course. By that I mean ridiculous bloggers who have to attach politics to everything. In this instance it's "Robbie" who apparently thinks Alycia Lane reports on national politics or anything other than flirtingintraffic.com:

And because I’m inclined towards wild speculation — seeing that this is Philly, and that Ms. Lane is part of the MSM, I’ll bet you dollars to pennies that if you were to look into how Ms. Lane votes and the candidates whom she donates to, that shes a Democrat.

Not that it matters…but I’ll bet I’m right.

And if so, the Left should be aghast that one of their own would use a homophobic slur like “dyke bitch” against a female cop.

When will the presidential candidates condemn the words of Democratic power broker Alycia Lane? And you thought this was a story unworthy of the front page, Namako; this has serious implications! (The design of the feature he's talking about is infuriating; the second part from yesterday was particularly interesting.)

Alycia Lane boyfriend Chris Booker -- the Edward Anderton to her Jocelyn Kirsch -- is standing by his woman, although Dan Gross and Regina Medina have told us he missed a mandatory Q102 holiday concert!

The Q102 morning DJ was with Lane when she was released about 5 p.m. Sunday from a Manhattan jail. Booker was a no-show at Q102's Jingle Ball concert Sunday night at the Tweeter Center in Camden featuring Avril Lavigne, Timbaland and Good Charlotte. All Q102 DJs were supposed to be there.

What about Preston and Steve? Where do they fit in?

Posted by D-Mac at 01:14 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

Tomorrow One-Year Anniversary Of Iverson Trade

The Daily News' Phil Jasner reminds us today it's been a year since the 76ers traded Allen Iverson, making both the 76ers' current fans feel just so much better about Andre Iguodala and Samuel Dalembert. (Thanks, Phil!)

The 76ers are 10-14 and are playing better recently, but they still don't have Allen Iverson. The Answer now plays for a team who even has better looking jerseys, the Denver Nuggets. (The 76ers need to go back to these or something like them.)

Anyway, Jasner has all these awesome details like, uh, Christmas shopping.

Andre Iguodala and Kyle Korver remember that they happened to be in the same store Christmas shopping when Korver received a text message that the deal had been made. "I showed it to Andre, and he was like, 'Really?' " Korver recalled.

The Rocky Mountain News talked with Iverson about how the trade remodeled both teams, much like when the 76ers for some reason traded away Wilt Chamberlain.

And here's the money quote!

"If I was still in Philadelphia, I don't think they would be in the predicament that they're in right now," Iverson said. "The way the East is, I would think that we would be right there in the hunt. . . . I look at (Philadelphia's) games right now, and it looks like a rec league game or an AAU game when you see the attendance there. It just looks dull."

So while Sammy D gets 16 and 12 against the rec team from Locust Bar, the Denver Nuggets are first in the Northwest Division. Sounds about right.

Elsewhere: The 700 Level notices AI's wearing a Colorado Rockies hat. Ugh.

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Reader Starting To Sum Up Stories Pretty Efficiently

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SEPTA considering ticket machines [Courier Times]

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Ohio's Bonnie & Clyde: Bank Robbers, Witches

In the great time B.A.C.A.C.A.F.D. (Before Alycia Called A Cop A 'Fucking Dyke'), this is what I was going to post first thing Monday morning. Over the weekend, CNN's front page included this write-up of a real '07 Bonnie and Clyde, a trio (Nicole Boyd, Roger Lee Dillon and his mom, Sharon Lee Gregory) alleged to have stolen $7.4 million from an armored car company Roger Lee worked for.

Only, this Bonnie & Clyde are, literally, the hillbilly version of Jocelyn Kirsch and Edward Anderton. The three were picked up after allegedly taking the millions after Black Friday. They're the talk of Hickville (see), everyone's making fun of them for leaving behind hilarious clues (see) and a hot girl who could have been a model (see).

Only, since it's not Philadelphia and is instead Youngstown, Ohio -- two hours away from Oberlin! -- she was actually $290 in debt to one of those mall modeling companies -- the $290 was for the first year of a three year modeling contract -- that makes you pay money first. Oh, but she wasn't charged! "She was like an All-American girl. She was beautiful," the president tells the AP.

They also paid their rent after allegedly stealing the $7.4 million, were good tenants -- they didn't steal their neighbor's identities -- and people actually seemed to like them. Oh, also, they were witches.

"The only thing I remember her telling me is she was a witch. I said, 'A good witch or a bad witch?' She said, 'Oh, I'm a good witch.' "

Dillon listed Wiccan as his religion on his MySpace page. "He would call her about 35 times a day to see if she was still here -- a little possessive," [a manager at her job] said. "I had to yell at her."

Wow. It's like looking into an alternate universe.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:31 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Fatimah Ali: Geeze, what is it with black people being offended by Signe Wilkinson cartoons? Can she draw any black figure without somebody telling her how offended everyone should be? I will note, though, that Fatimah Ali's comments on the situation are way smarter than Police Commish Sylvester Johnson (Nov. 2005) or U.S. Rep. Chaka Fattah (May 2007). Noodle on that one for a while.

Elmer Smith: A West Philly bar was shut down because there were a ton of shootings out in front of it. And check out this recent reference! "You'd have to go back to Miss Kitty's place on the old 'Gunsmoke' show to find a taproom with a more quick-triggered clientele." Gunsmoke, incidentally, began airing in 1955.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Okay, this column is just way too sad for me right now.

Tune in tomorrow, when we probably find out how Jill Porter is going to get the Hershey Corporation to make Alycia Lane stop the late 1980s surge in crack cocaine violence.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Alycia Lane Slowing Internet To Crawl

I've had to up some of the comment settings due to the amount of Alycia Lane spam I'm getting. No, really. Alycia Lane spam!

To be exact: "alycia lane free bikini pix," the links don't lead anywhere, oddly enough. If you comment and it doesn't get posted I'll try to approve it later in the day. You can email me if there's some sort of pressing "OMG I want to get really angry about that news anchor!" comment, or you can continue searching the Internet like there's no tomorrow for Alycia Lane news.

More to come later; all this spam is slowing down my ability to post. If this whole "World Wide Web" thing finally breaks down because of her arrest, I am not going to be happy. Who knew spam came from people other than Ron Paul?

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 17, 2007

Tonight On CBS 3! (Not Alycia Lane!)

Ahh, the beauty of the first post-Alycia Lane promo (or whatever). This is from today.

CBS 3 is in a tough spot. It's good to see the station got such a scoop to keep people's minds off Alycia. If you're wondering, I'm totally sad over Ms. Lane now. Stay strong, girl.

Archives: Alycia Lane

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Courier-Post Forums Comment Of The Year

By the way stahlin, you'd be surprised how many more people who have sought the help of that God you deride, have managed to overcome their addictions as opposed to those who've depended on Evolution or "dinosaurs" that have existed, for their help.

Pick one: Get well from drug addiction or believe in dinosaurs. I didn't know it was one or the other.

System fails area's homeless women [Courier-Post]

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Hilarious N.J. Escapees Leave Thank You Note

In a story that would be even funnier if they weren't, you know, violent criminals, one of the inmates who escaped from prison in a Shawshank Redemption-type escape actually left a note for a guard:

"Thank you officer (name redacted) for the tools needed. You're a real pal! Happy holidays," Jose Espinosa wrote in a message left in his cell before he and fellow inmate Otis Blunt jumped down 15 feet to a landing, then 30 feet further down and over a razor-wired fence to freedom. The two, both charged with violent felonies, remain at large.

Meanwhile, somebody else says the escape is like Escape from Alcatraz. Personally, I find it more like the escape scene in Masterminds.

Update: Oh, yeah, a dude escaped from a prison in Bucks County, too. He was in jail on forgery charges.

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The Alycia Lane Files

By now you've seen this at 10,000 other places, but I figured I might as well pile on. (Sorry for the delay; I've been having problems posting, of course.) Since I'm too lazy to scan in my own copy myself, here are your criminal complaints, in two easy versions.

Philly.com's front page has your censored version (direct link) while Metro lets the fucks fly.

CBS 3 has finally reported on it: "Alycia categorically denies she made any comment, or that she struck the officer." Dan Gross says she will be edited out of CBS 3's holiday special; Lane is, right now, "on vacation" (really) until at least 2008, says Michael Klein. The Philadelphia press is going all out on this story.

Also worth reading at Metro's blog is the Philly Bad Babe Showdown (Alycia vs. Bonnie) by Mike Benner. Elsewhere, Joey Sweeney interviews lawyer Conor Corcoran about the legal consequences for Alycia.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:12 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Drexel Staff Baffled By Obvious Jocelyn Kirsch Lie

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about our girl Jocelyn Kirsch, the female half of the Bonnie & Clyde of Identity Fraud. Today's Daily News points to a story from a recent Drexel Triangle article with this fun tale: Jocelyn Kirsch allegedly claimed to be an adjunct professor at Drexel.

The Drexel paper says Kirsch pretended to be an adjunct in order to get a free parking pass and use University computers at Drexel's Language and Communication Center.

Kirsch, known around the language office for her revealing clothes and long dark hair walked to the front desk and asked for a pass last year while taking a placement test. When asked if she was a professor she claimed to be an adjunct and was granted the pass. "I was very convinced," said one staff member who wished to remain anonymous.

Kirsch used the pass for two weeks, the paper says, but doesn't say why she stopped. Now they apparently "grill" people asking for passes. Actually, here Kirsch just sounds kinda awesome. Compared to Alycia Lane, I think she's Katherine Drexel.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:22 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack