November 30, 2007

Boy, It's Almost Impossible To Tell Them Apart

I was going to write some words about Jill Porter's Daily News column today column about how new breath mints "look uncannily like tiny heat-sealed bags of cocaine, crack, heroin or any other powdered drug." But then I decided the photos the Daily News ran with the story told it all.

Okay, here's a couple words, because there is one line that's just so great.

What if a drug dealer mixed some in with real street drugs and sold them to an unsuspecting buyer - who retaliated with a spray of bullets?

Because, you know, before Hershey came around there was absolutely no way anyone could produce fake drugs.

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Magazine Ranks Cities To Get Magazine Into News

Some stupid magazine did a stupid city ranking in order to get itself in the news. This time, the magazine was Self, a magazine for women I guess, and it asked women if they were happy and healthy or something.

Apparently, Philadelphia women were neither happy, healthy nor in shape, and the magazine ranked Philly 87th out of 100 cities. Philly also won "worse environment" in the pointless poll.

Fortunately, KYW 1060's John McDevitt is here to remind us that happiness is, well, you can see it yourself:

"Because we are in the health field we don't agree with that."

(McDevitt:) "So you are healthy?"
"Yes!"
(McDevitt:) "You're fit?"
"Yes."
(McDevitt:) "Are you happy?"
"Yes!"

And many said that happiness is all relative.

Gee, who knew?

Are Phila. Women Fit and Happy? Not Really, Says Survey [KYW 1060]

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Courier-Post Forums Continue To Amaze

Selected comments on the Courier-Post story Camden diocese plans to shut 9 schools."

• "Blame Norcross & the Camden County Freeholders for this one."
• "It's time the church got it's act together and do what it's MAIN purpose is. TEACH ABOUT JESUS!!! not be in the $$ business. How much $$ does the Camden Doc. bring in a year total. More than enough to spread the word of god. BEWARE the Muslims schools are free!!!"
• "Without the blood of the minority the pale man existence will be futile. Just like the Greeks needed Egypt, the roman needed Israel, and America needed Africa. Without the needs of the African race the pale man will cease to exist. Kuy yul hal kairuun"
• "I know more Dr.'s and Lawyers who came from Catholic education, more than Public school.... Stop picking on the Catholics, I don't hear people bashing the Hebrew school down near AC. The Jewish community down there do not want there kids going to AC High, I don't blame them. DIVERSE means crap if the parents don't teach them it at home. What is the term diverse mean that my kid gets to put a condom on a banana or they learn about every other HOLIDAY except Christmas."
• "that is pure b.s. about the catholics being mor dr's and lawyers. most of the doctors are jewish or indians. none of which got a catholic education."

Okay, to be honest, I just wanted to post those last two.

Camden Diocese plans to shut down 9 schools [Courier-Post]

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Finally, A Presidential Candidate For The Rest Of Us

Democratic candidate Mike Gravel, you have my vote. If I were a Democrat. And the Pennsylvania primary mattered. But, uh, yeah.

I'm Voting For Mike Gravel Now [Wonkette]

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Vick, B*rbaro Stories Converge In (Where Else?) China

Today in the Courier Times, diminutive 76ers guard Lou Williams says he supports Michael Vick, who will be sentenced next month for his guilty plea in a dogfighting case. You know, he's not into dogfighting, but Vick attended his high school games when Vick was on the Falcons and Williams was a high schooler in the ATL, so he hopes he can get his life back on track once he's out of jail. (Horse people, of course, want him executed.)

Anyway, ever since the Michael Vick dogfighting story broke, I've been using a joke about how the sport (uh, whatever) I really want to see is horsefighting. It combines the brutality of horse racing and dogfighting with the gambleability of, well, horse racing and dogfighting.

Turns out, like most cool things in this country, horsefighting is made in China. Yes, Britain's Telegraph. According to the paper, the sport has been celebrated for over five hundred years in China and is even on some tourists' itineraries!

Apparently, in order to get the horses to fight, they bring in a mare in heat and then pull her away. Then, if a horse won't fight, they either whip it or fire a gun.

As you may know, I have been engaged in a War on Horses ever since B*rbaro broke his leg last year. B*rbaro, who has received more attention than any human murder victim this year, not only blew my Preakness Stakes trifecta but jokes about him (and other horses) have caused people to call my boss, threaten to call my advertisers and generally make me love the Internet more and more with each passing day. I am glad that China is now on my side in the War on Horses. Hopefully, I can add more great countries like North Korea, Iran and Saudi Arabia to the list of War on Horse supporters shortly. Ira Einhorn is also reportedly interested in supporting the cause.

As you can see in the photo above, both Vick and Lou Williams love the sport! Also, does anyone know if they have kangaroo fighting? I think that might be a better replacement joke, but I'm guessing that could actually exist. How about hippo fighting?

Horse fighting condemned as 'barbaric' [Telegraph]
Williams supports old pal Vick [Bucks County Courier Times]

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Shocker: Abortion Debate Turns Angry

Some group called OurVoice 2008, which hopes to mobilize young voters (ha ha, good luck), began a monthly debate series at Penn yesterday. Did they pick an issue where speakers could make strong political points and attempt to convince those in attendance of their point?

Ha ha, of course not, they had a debate about abortion.

An abortion debate hosted yesterday by OurVoice 2008, a group that aims to mobilize young voters, repeatedly broke down into a single vitriolic exchange between the pro-choice and pro-life debaters. [...]

But neither side made much effort to restrict their remarks to the subject at hand. Comfort, acting as moderator, frequently interceded to keep the debaters on topic. Audience members often broke into incredulous laughter, and personal accusations briefly flew between the participants.

Ooh, I hope gay marriage is next! And then capital punishment! Hmm, what else?

OurVoice 2008 hosts abortion debate [Daily Pennsylvanian]

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Gov't Outsourcing Intelligence To Online Polls

Courier-Post Online News

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City Council, Home Of Pointless Arguing

Wednesday, there was a hearing in City Council about a housing bill that would require developers to set aside homes to low- to middle-income residents. And, of course, developers had a problem with it. But there was a reasonable debate in City Council about the bill, and although the developer Carl Dranoff disagreed with Councilman Wilson Goode, he... oh, whatever, you know this is a lie.

(Goode): "What you're saying is that, as a developer, you do not want to reinvest in an inclusionary zoning program?"

(Dranoff): "No, I never said that sir. Not at all. I am saying, and remember I started my testimony, excuse me I have the floor! I'd like to finish what I'm starting!"

(Goode): "No actually, I have the floor."

(Dranoff): "You asked me a question. I'm answering it. I'm answering your question."

(Goode): "I have the floor. The chair recognized me."

(Dranoff): "OK."

Both of these guys make a ton of money and could afford a really nice house, if you're wondering.

Affordable Housing Bill Triggers Testy Exchange in Council [KYW 1060]

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Wow, people will make up lies to win elections? No!

Christine Flowers: Well, I'm not on any government assistance that requires your house to be raided, so let's do it to some poor people instead! Oh no you're not allowed to use that kind of reasoning to criticize me, though!

Jill Porter: Another in the Jill Porter "Columnist Who Cried Wolf" series, this time it's about how this new Hershey's mint looks like crack. This probably deserves a full post later today, but for now I'd just like to thank Hershey for fighting the good fight in the war against prohibition!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:36 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Google Body: Denouement

It appears DigPhilly caught wind of my little media expose about its Google Body story (uhh, yeah) and now there's an explanatory note on the text by its author, PWD fave Teresa Masterson.

Awww, crap. It has come to my attention that the Google Body story from wired.com may really be made up... I already knew I hated certain Philadelphia bloggers. I’m ready to expand my hatred to wired.com bloggers. Suck it Bruce Sterling.

Hey, hey. Hate me, sure -- unless Masterson's referring to Dan Rubin -- but wired.com's Google Body blog entry was dated the year 2022 and featured quotes like "You know what the top two search terms are, after 'ass'? They're 'aorta' and 'arterial plaque.'" Hating Bruce Sterling for thinking that entry is real is like hating a stop sign because it doesn't turn green and tell you to go.

But I really enjoy the comments of another apparent NBC 10 staffer, PSUPhilly22, who states the following:

Look, if Philly and wired.com bloggers can giggle at the joke, then clearly - mission accomplished. remember, these people don't get out much anyways - they have to do what they can for entertainment. as for the story being made up, it'd be funny if it was about a joke or something, not about a computer program. it's like trying to joke about HTML coding - it'd be more fun to hit your hand with a hammer repeatedly.

Well, I'll agree that the Google Body entry wasn't funny, but it certainly spawned some hilarity. And HTML jokes are awesome. Haven't you ever seen my page trying to validate? And remember when I left that </strike> tag open and the entire page was crossed out? Ha!

Google to show your hoo-ha to the world [DigPhilly]
Yesterday: DigPhilly Speaks Out Against Fictional Programs

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November 29, 2007

Wharton Study: The Sky Is Freaking Blue

Wharton went out and and spent your application fee on a study that proves men like men's stores and women like women's stores.

Well, pretty much. The study, by Wharton's Jay H. Baker Retail Initiative and Toronto consulting firm Verde Group reveals women like to shop for female things and browse around all the time, while men like to get in, get out and get home and use it. No, really.

The article on Wharton's website about the study goes on for approximately 57,000 words, so I'll just shoot right to the best part:

Erin Armendinger, managing director of the Baker initiative, puts it this way: "Men and women are simply different," she says.

Wharton's next study will be about men and how they like girls' breasts.

'Men Buy, Women Shop': The Sexes Have Different Priorities When Walking Down the Aisles [Knowledge @ Wharton via Reason]

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The Best Headline You'll See All Month

3 Arrested In Europe For 'Dirty Bomb' Fixins [AP/KYW 1060]

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New Rambo Poster: Uh, I Actually Like It

I had to ride the El to Kensington for a story, and this poster is at the Spring Garden stop.

We are less than two months away. Also, apparently the movie's now just called Rambo. Guess Stallone didn't want to do the same exact thing once again. I dunno; I think John Rambo was fine. It's not like Rocky punched anybody's head off in Rocky Balboa.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Barack Obama Taking Ideas From Jack Kelly

Looks like Jack Kelly isn't the only one attempting to use the love of four-legged friends. A friend forwarded me a piece of the latest Obama email, which details Puppies 4 Obama, the latest presidential campaign website which is the latest in cutting-edge non-blimp campaiging.

We are trying to develop a web page to involve kids, and people generally young at heart, in the election process. We plan to have a mock election for dogs in December. Voting begins December 3, 2007 so hurry if you want to participate. It should be fun.

Ahh, yes. It should be fun. Also, what would a good presidential campaign site be without an Ann Coulter screed to inspire you to back Obama. As if puppies weren't enough. Also on that page, there's a link that says "I Have No Cash," which seems to explain the (poorly-designed) website a bit better.

WWW.PUPPIES4OBAMA.COM
Oct. 19: Puppies 4 Jack Kelly!
[Cuteness via Flickr user vzabalza]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:58 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: I love dogs Verizon is like Michael Vick only worse and oh no the city is out $150 what ever will it do?

Michael Smerconish: It's about 9udy Gu11ani. I'm not reading it.

John Baer: Hey, politicians are playing politics!

Ronnie Polaneczky: "Assistant U.S. Attorney Richard Zack told the court that the children are revictimized each time their images are viewed[.]" Wait, how do they know?

Posted by D-Mac at 09:33 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

N.J. Bans Sex Offenders From Social Networking Sites

New Jersey's parole board yesterday voted unanimously to bar those convicted of sex crimes from using the Internet to network. That this will do very little to help public safety means nothing; N.J. could pass a law requiring registered sex offenders to chop off their own hands and the majority of the public would probably cheer.

There are some questions, of course; where does the law stop? It's targetd at Facebook and Myspace, of course, but what about YouTube, which has commenting and community? Are registered sex offenders allowed to comment here? Are the New Jersey police going to ask me for the server logs so they can comb through for sex offenders? (Okay: No, but you see where I'm going with this.)

Apparently, the rule is you can't post a profile. And sex offenders can still use email. Hey, a feel-good solution that does nothing to actually prevent underage sex solicitation online!

But I think my hypothetical pales in comparison to that of a poster on the always incredible Courier-Post forums.

This is like saying you accosted a Orange once; now you're forbidden from buying oranges. So are you going to have a cop at every venue that may sell oranges?

Please, won't someone think of the oranges?

N.J. bans sex offenders from networking sites [Courier-Post]
N.J. to sex parolees: Keep off MySpace [The Star-Ledger]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:45 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Santa's Elves Need A Better Union

Every year, children write letters to Santa Claus. Santa's too busy making presents (or, rather, making plans to outsource it to Chinese elf labor) to respond to all the letters, so post office workers do the deed for him.

Only, uh, now the post office is making everyone who answers letters for Santa provide photo ID and sign a liability waiver because it's worried about sexual predators. While the waiver is also to absolve the post office of any liability in case of a lawsuit -- maybe if little Johnny didn't get that Nintendo Wii he wanted, he'll sue Santa -- apparently the whole thing is for, uh, protecting the children.

A corporation or nonprofit must promise not to hold the post office responsible for legal action that might result from “authorized or unauthorized handling, use and response to the subject Letters to Santa by any person.” [...] Worries about sexual predators, identity theft and frivolous lawsuits make it imperative that the names and addresses not fall into the wrong hands.

“Protecting our children is our No. 1 concern, so we want to know who is requesting the letters,” [Doylestown Postmaster Eileen Wilkinson] said.

Meanwhile, Urban Outfitters has designed a new t-shirt, hoping to get the media to say "Urban Outfitters" without them having to pay for it.¹ Any takers? Okay, CBS 3, you go ahead:

St. Nick is typically depicted as a jolly man in a bright red suit, but he is depicted in a much different light on a black t-shirt being sold at Urban Outfitters. The shirt is emblazoned with the words, "Santa Claus Hates You," and St. Nick posing an obscene hand gesture.

"It is Santa putting up his middle finger," one shopper described.

CBS 3 censors the middle finger, because if it were broadcast on television, all hell would break loose. Children would be overdosing on pot left and right. Citizens would just be firing their guns into the air, willy-nilly, without care for who gets hit by the bullets. (Wait, people do that anyway.) The Comcast Center would collapse.

But it appears CBS 3 didn't even want to let people know what Santa was doing, it's so horrific. They outsourced the description to an unidentified shopper, who described the gory details.

Urban... wow. They're just so flabbergasted themselves by even showing this shirt that they were speechless on the phone.

CBS 3 Reporter Chris May spoke with Urban Outfitters by phone, who were unable to disclose whether they had received any complaints about the "Santa Claus Hates You" shirt. They were unwilling to offer any additional comment.

Silence. That's all that anyone can say to this offensive shirt.

¹ Joke stolen from Daily Show. Craig Kilborn era, I think!

Mail clause [Courier Times]
Retailer Selling Not-So-Merry Santa Shirt [CBS 3 via Philebrity]

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November 28, 2007

Inquirer Decides To Print Some Lies

A potent type of marijuana known as AK47 - so strong that some users are treated in emergency rooms for overdoses - has hit the Philadelphia area.

In order to overdose on marijuana, you'd have to smoke several hundred pounds all at once. Several hundred pounds. All at once.

Police seize high-potency marijuana, arrest 2 men [Inquirer]
A brief history of the criminalization of cannabis [Drug War Rant]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:30 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Leftovers: Phillyblog Alert Level: Comedy Gold

• Thanks to commenter friendlynerd, I was notified of this thread on Phillyblog. It's in its infancy, but is sure to be absolutely incredible with this first post: "I work at the corner of Broad and Locust, and often eat lunch in the area, but every time I go outside I feel that I am accosted by dozens of strange homosexual men. Men seem to be more interested in me than women are when I walk in this area (I am attractive)." I've been in Woody's without being accosted by strange homosexual men, and I'm effing Adonis. [Phillyblog]

• Penn State's student paper notifies us that more and more people are breaking up online. Despite being Adonis, I have been dumped several times over email or IM between the years of 1998 and 2006. Hmm. [Daily Collegian]

• First sentence of a Broad Street Review article: "It’s not my imagination, is it, but the less we see of real gore, the more addicted we seem to be to the cinematic kind." Mmm-hmm, this has nothing to do with my looks, as far as I can tell. Unless you consider my hand injury earlier this year. That looked pretty disgusting. Somebody ought to make a movie about it! [BSR]

• Hey, Pennsylvania's records are about to get a bit more open. No, they still won't release the information about the State Senate's secret orgy room in the basement. [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:20 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

CBS 3, 6 ABC In Dead Sweeps Heat (I Guess)

Have the rumors of Alycia Lane bikini photos brought Alycia Lane and Larry Mendte -- the photos are of Alycia -- to the top of the news charts? Laura Nachman has the preliminary sweeps numbers as of Tuesday and CBS 3 trails 6 ABC by just 1 share point (whatever that is) on the 11 p.m. newscast.

Action News -- who seems to have been amping up its Erin O'Hearn commercials recently, if you've noticed -- leads in the 11 p.m. ratings with an 8 rating/16 share, while CBS 3 trails just behind with an 8 rating/15 share. (Each ratings point equals one or two old people falling asleep after the weather. Each share equals nothing.) NBC 10 has a 5 rating/10 share. (The lead-ins are important, too, with CBS beating ABC beating NBC. I'm pretty sure the Peacock doesn't even have a prime-time lineup anymore; it just runs infomercials.)

At 6 p.m., Jim Gardner (6 ABC) is way ahead with a 12 rating/22 share; Tim Lake (NBC 10) has a 4 rating/8 share and Mendte and Lane have a 4 rating/7 share. Obviously, viewers know if Alycia's going to show her bikini, it'll be at 11 p.m.

The Nach Attack: NBC 10 Muffs 11 p.m. Sweeps [The Daily Examiner]

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Ridiculously Nerdy/Fun Event Held At Ridiculous Time

They were going to hold it at 4 a.m. to be more convenient, but City Council Quizzo already had that time reserved.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Fictional Bands To Apparently Headline N.J. Fest

By now you may have read the music festival to be held on Belmont Plateau next summer has been scrapped and moved to Vineland, New Jersey. Yes, Vineland. Dan Gross reports the concert was moved to Vineland so as not to upset the impressive cross country course on Belmont Plateau.

Ha ha, of course not. "Electric Factory Concerts/LiveNation followed with a proposal, which people in the concert industry and some involved in the negotiations believed had been intended merely to keep C3 away," Gross reports.

But enough of that. The Associated Press article concludes with an important detail about the Vineland concert:

Vineland is home of the fictional cinematic rock band Eddie and the Cruisers.

Other bands set to perform at the Vineland fest are The Monkees, The Commitments and Josie and the Pussycats.

Concert set for Vineland farm [Daily News]
Promoters say NJ will get mega-rock fest [AP/Daily Record]

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Marijuana Eradicated From Philadelphia Streets

Sorry, pot smokers! A City Line bust of particularly potent marijuana has completely shut down the supply of marijuana in Philadelphia, and it simply won't be available anymore. Score one for the War on Drugs!

Philadelphia police arrested 24-year-old Michael Cascioli and say they seized $1.4 million worth of marijuana and 'shrooms from his City Ave. apartment. The cops also say the seized marijuana was of the AK-47 variety, which is, like, almost as good as Purple Haze. (Or maybe it's better? We got a copy of The Big Book of Buds: Volume 3 (really) in the office recently, so perhaps I will scan though and take a look.)

The MJ was destined for rich Main Line pot smokers, so between this and the Reid kids, white drug users are under attack from the government.

Anyway, the cops wasted six weeks on this investigation because it's for the children, according to this hilarious lie in the CBS 3 report:

Police said the drugs would typically end up in the hands of wealthy teens who would often end up in the hospital due to the potency of the pot.

Anyway, with this bust, the War on Marijuana is finally over. Marijuana no longer exists, at least in Philadelphia; we've finally won the war. Sales of Teddy Grahams are expected to plummet.

Police Seize Million-Dollar Drug Cache in City Ave. Apartment [KYW 1060]
Potent Pot Seized In Million Dollar Drug Bust [CBS 3]

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Professor Killer Finally Resigns Post

Earlier this week, ex-Penn professor Rafael Robb pled guilty to manslaughter for killing his wife. He will most likely face 4 1/2 to 6 years in prison, and some people are saying it's a bit of a light sentence for bludgeoning your wife to death. These people have apparently spent their recent years in some sort of hermetically sealed bubble and are just learning how the American justice system works. Next they're going to tell me black people get incarcerated longer for drug possession than white people do!

But no matter. The real story is: Rafael Robb is no longer a Penn professor! Yes, when I wrote ex-Penn professor the other day I was apparently in error; the Associated Press reports Robb, an econ prof, officially resigned yesterday, the day after his guilty plea.

Anyway, so, no more Prof. Robb at Penn. Professor Ira Einhorn is still teaching his environmental science course come springtime.

Professor Officially Resigns After Wife's Death [AP/CBS 3]
Monday: Ex-Penn Prof. Pleads Guilty To Manslaughter

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Phillies Hire Harry Kalas' Successor

Yesterday, the Phillies re-hired Tom McCarthy, who worked the Phillies' radio broadcast from 2001 to 2005 before leaving for the Mets radio job.

McCarthy is a good PBP guy, and he'll now work three innings of television when Harry is on break. (This means no more Chris Wheeler play-by-play, which is what he's better at.) McCarthy signed an unprecedented five-year deal with the Phillies, which is two years longer than any deal Harry Kalas has ever signed.

"I always enjoyed working with T-Mac," Kalas said. "I'm glad he's back in Philadelphia."

Kalas is 71, but he's not heading out the door anytime soon, huzzah, huzzah. I'm still up for just hiring a Harry Kalas impersonator (Joe Conklin?) to do PBP when he retires, but McCarthy is pretty good. I still kinda miss Scott Graham, though, but my guess is he's not enough of a yes-man to work for the Phillies.

McCarthy back in the booth for Phils, this time to do TV [Inquirer]

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Fake Cop Tries To Make Arrest In Front Of Real Cop

Harry V. Hackert allegedly pulled a pretty funny prank in Bensalem yesterday. Oh, wait, not pretty funny. You see, what he did was say he was a police officer, pull over someone at Knights and Street Road (like 10 seconds outside the city) and wave a loaded gun in the driver's face!

Turns out, he wasn't a cop. (If you hadn't figured that out by now.) A real Bensalem police officer wins the right place award for being across the street with his video camera, according to the Bucks County Courier Times.

Although he had an unmarked car, the fake cop sure went to a lot of trouble, even making sure he was grieving for a real, recently-killed police officer.

Hackert made a genuine effort to look like a cop. Besides the lights and sirens, he had a fake badge that appeared to be issued by the Philadelphia Police Department. It even had a strip of black tape across it to look like the bands police stretch across their badges to signify the death of a police officer, police said.

'Course, he wasn't wearing any type of uniform and was just a private security guard. But, hey, who doesn't want to pull over an annoying driver in front of you and wave around a gun every once in a while? At least most of us don't act on that.

Update: And across the river, a plainclothes police officer was outside a bank during a robbery attempt! Be sure to read the comments: "Damn...if the perp had only showed a weapon...then the Lt would have been justified in ensuring another criminal no longer walks the streets...dammit..." I can't imagine being excited somebody had been killed, but, you know, I'm not from Jersey I guess.

Man charged with impersonating a cop [Courier Times]

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Lead Of The Day

The theme song for a classic television show several years ago crooned about going to a place where "everybody knows your name."

Yes, a classic television show! Boy, what could that show have been that aired several years ago?

Family rooted in Waterford [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:19 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

DigPhilly Speaks Out Against Fictional Programs

Yesterday, NBC 10/DigPhilly's Teresa Masterson reported on a pretty creepy new Google technology: Google Body, which will attempt to scan the body of every living thing on Earth. Google said they'll be able to help companies know where to spend their research dollars and help match up organ donations. There is a way to opt out.

I don’t like to use strong language in writing, but there is no other way to describe it: This is fuuuuuucked up.

The project, known as Google Body, sees the company partnering with public transportation systems, libraries, and motor vehicle departments to place scanners in highly trafficked areas, doorways, etc., that will scan every person’s body in order to make it available to anyone.

The best part? If you don’t want people to be able to google your ass, (and yes, I mean your ass in the literal sense) you need to wear a yellow and black headband in public. I really wonder if this is a joke. I’m praying that this is a joke. But it’s not. It’s insanity masked as innovative technology.

You may have guessed it already, people: The original article on Wired's website was a joke.

But with quotes like these, it was pretty hard to figure out it was a joke.

"I was shocked when I saw it," exclaims Larry Blender of Carson City. "I mean, one, where did they get a 3-D rendering of my ass, and, two, does my ass really look like that? I admit that I satisfied some of my curiosity about a few of my neighbors and co-workers before I thought to search for myself, but I was still really shocked to see it up there."

"You know what the top two search terms are, after 'ass'?" asks David Deerfield of People and Privacy, a privacy-focused community outreach group. "They're 'aorta' and 'arterial plaque.' Who do you think is conducting those searches? There's no doubt in my mind that there are insurance company bots scouring this thing and we think it should stop."

But those quotes didn't stop TM from saying this fictional program -- which the article said was taking place in 2022, mind you -- was the worst thing ever.

This isn’t about not wanting the world to know the size of my ass (though, seriously, is that necessary?), this is 1984! This is Orwellian terror. Everyone is to be scanned like grocery items on a conveyor belt, and then your body, every part of it, is for the public’s taking. Want to know how big a guy’s penis is? Want to see your neighbor’s breasts? Google Body it. This is rape. How can this be seen as anything but a gross violation of the one thing that is yours and only yours?

This should be a subscriber-only program. You want to know if you have tumors? Sign up and the information should only be available to you. You shouldn’t have to wear a damn headband in order to be safe from this.

I’ve never used so many exclamation points in my life. I feel sick. This is fucked up.

I don't like using strong language in writing -- okay, actually, I love using strong language in writing. This is fucking hilarious.

Google to show your hoo-ha to the world [DigPhilly]
Google Body [Beyond the Beyond]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:46 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Ooh, Sly Johnson sure is being a jerk, or something.

Carol Towarnicky: Here's what some person thinks is a good way for peace in the Middle East. Yeah, that's never going to happen.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 27, 2007

Leftovers: AOL And Microsoft Enter Council Debate

• The Inquirer gets Jack Kelly spokesman Frank Keel's opinion on David Oh's challenge to Kelly's City Council win, and blah blah blah this is the guy who argued vociferously with a shark mascot back in May. The real fun is in the first comment: "Your right never say uncle no matter that AOL,andMicrosoft are crooks when Bill Gattes join the organize ring of Cox Enterprises just shows how Bill recieves his money by stealing others work" and it goes on from there. [Heard in the Hall]

• Four pit bulls are running loose in Berks County, the teevee breathlessly reports. Michael Vick is salivating. Uh, in prison. [NBC 10]

• The guy planning to run against Bob Brady for Congress next year already lied on a press release. Well, he'd fit right in on Capitol Hill. [Daily News]

• The high-tempered New Jersey/Delaware border dispute -- stemming from the 12-mile circle -- was heard in the Supreme Court today. Dammit, when is Pennsylvania going to get The Wedge back! [Courier-Post]

• A travel company operator who lives in suburban Philly gives away all his profits and lives on Social Security because he's just a generous guy. Uh, wow. That's all. Wow. [AP/Morning-Call]

• Hey, Jenna Bush was in Bucks County! [Bucks County Courier Times]

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In Other News, I'm 12 Years Old

In even more other news, I really hope this guy's last name is Weiner.

Press release after the jump.

Chef Poon Re-Opens Restaurant: Three months only

Holiday Dinners, & Chinese NY Banquets, Restaurant Week Prix Fixe

Philadelphia Chinatown (November 27, 2007) –As a special holiday treat for his customers, Chef Poon will host a series of dinners in his former restaurant, at 1010 Cherry Street, 2nd floor. The prix fixe dinners, only available from December 23 through March 31 – include a nightly Holiday Dinner (from Dec. 23-Jan. 1), a weekly Chinese New Year Banquet (from Jan. 4 – March 30) and a one week only Restaurant Week Prix Fixe Menu (Jan. 26 – Feb. 1). By reservations only. For reservations: 215/500-9774 or jpoon18250 AT aol.com.

Holiday Dinner – Available every night from Sunday, December 23 through Tuesday, January 1. (including New Year's Eve). Highlights include: Peking Duck in Steamed Lotus Leaf Bun With Pungent Lotus Root and Cilantro and Japanese Eggplant with Crispy Soft Shell Crab on Skewer With Spicy Demi-glace. $35 per person plus tax and tip. Complete menu.

Chinese New Year Banquet – Available on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights from January 4 through March 30. The 10-course banquets include dishes from 8 nations. In keeping with Chinese tradition, all
banquets will be served family style for groups of 6 or more. Smaller groups can be paired with larger groups. Seatings at 5:30 and 7:30. $36.50 per person plus tax and tip. To learn more about Chinese New
Year customs, Chinatown tours available prior to early seating for additional $20. Complete menu.

Restaurant Week Prix Fixe Menu – Available January 26-February 1. Four courses. Featuring Baked Half Lobster Tail with King Salmon Medallion and Linguini Casserole in Savory Mozzarella with Healthy Chinese Baby Greens. $35 per person plus tax and tip. Complete menu.

In addition to these special dinners, Chef Poon continues to conduct Wok 'N Walk Tours of Chinatown, teach cooking classes and hold team building and private events at 1010 Cherry Street, 2nd floor. For more information, visit www.josephpoon.com or call 215/500-9774.

All events are held at Chef Kitchen, a contemporary and quirky venue at 1010 Cherry Street, 2nd floor, in Philadelphia Chinatown, ½ block from the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Chef Kitchen sports stainless steel walls and tables, a partially-exposed kitchen, chairs silk-screened with photos from Chef Poon's whirlwind life and communal restroom sinks using woks as water basins. Chef Kitchen is not typically a walk-in restaurant, but will open for these three special dinners. Reservations required.

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Pa. Deer Hunting Season Off To Fantastic Start

Pennsylvania deer hunting season (with a rifle) began yesterday, and it's already claimed the life of one and the foot of another. Not deer, mind you, but hunters.

Sadly, a 56-year-old man from Meyersville -- I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's on the Western side of the state -- died after a 20-foot fall from a tree stand. More hilariously, a hunter in Westmoreland County shot himself in the foot while hunting.

Philadelphia continues to not be able to make its own gun laws because men like these need to purchase more than one handgun a month. What'd that state rep call 'em? Rednecks or crackers or something?

Hunter Killed In Fall; Another Shoots Own Foot [WGAL]

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Del. Man Sues Doctors For Doing Shitty Job

A Delaware man has filed a lawsuit against several doctors for allegedly screwing up a reversal of his colostomy in 2005 that made him piss out his ass and shit out his penis.

Doctors originally allegedly messed up his colostomy by accidentally stapling his colon to the bladder instead of the rectal stump, The News-Journal reports. This accidentally made him pass stool and gas through his penis.

Go ahead, go clean up your vomit, I'll be here to finish the story after you're finished.

The man's lawsuit alleges he went into the hospital for abdominal pain in 2005. Doctors later notified him he'd need a temporary colostomy, which makes you shit into a bag from your abdomen but isn't nearly as disgusting as it sounds. (Really, it isn't.)

Three months later, he came to have the colostomy reversed, which is when the problem allegedly occurred. Quoting the lawsuit: "As a consequence of the error, fecal matter and urine were mixed and diverted so that fecal matter entered the bladder and was discharged through the urethra and urine was discharged through the colon."

The News-Journal even found an expert to discuss the incident:

Dr. Scott D. Goldstein, director of colon and rectal surgery at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia, said he had not seen the suit and is not familiar with the specific case. He said this type of surgical error has been documented before, "but it should be rare as hen's teeth."

Goldstein said colostomy removals can be difficult and tedious procedures in which the bladder can get in the way. Adding to the difficulty, Goldstein said, are anatomical changes caused by the initial surgery.

"These structures are very close to one another," Goldstein said. "But it shouldn't happen. I can't say more than that."

Doctors later fixed the problem, but the lawsuit says his life is still all messed up from shitting out his penis. Whenever the suit gets to trial, the man is expected to win 900 trillion dollars.

Colostomy reversal botched, suit says [The News Journal]

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Million March 4 God Continuing Impressive Rhetoric

It appears the Million March 4 God plans are going as swimmingly as usual:

Let's make a point. If I am wearing a cross, does that make you want to change your religion? A sane person will say no, of course not. An insane person may claim to hear voices. We do not accord insane people the same liberties as the sane. [...] Liberalism folks. It's a mental disorder. Again, we do not accord the same liberties of the insane as that of the sane.

So today we are coining yet another new phrase for you to fight with,"We do not accord the same liberties to insane people as we do the sane", turn around from them and walk away. Use this every time you hear one of these nut jobs speak. If they write, send them a nice little letter with that phrase. It's powerful.

Be sure to check out the blog's other post, titled "Crushing the unbelievers has never been so much fun", which I can only assume from the title is about Jesus' message of forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance. Who would Jesus crush?

Winning back the battle [MM4G Blog]

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Knocking At Death's Door (In Center City, At Least)

Today's Inquirer has a story about empty nester couples moving back to Center City, because they're sick of living in suburbia and have enough money to afford to live in Center City, unlike you.

And, as such, the Inquirer profiles a couple who has moved from Elkins Park to an unnamed ritzy Center City condo. Oh, and the paper predicts the date of their deaths.

But three of their four children are in Center City. So is the theater. Ballet. Opera. Restaurants. So in the spring of 2005, they moved to Center City. One of the glam condos that are shooting up in Philadelphia like gold-leafed sunflowers. Just the right perch for a couple with another good 10 or 15 years left to get their urban groove on.

Well, at least the paper gave them a range. "You're going to die by the time you're 90, but you will live until at least 85!"

Second life as urban hipsters [Inquirer]

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Stupid Poll Says Philadelphians Love Online Shopping

Hey, did you go shopping online on Monday? No? But it was "Cyber Monday," the first day of the online holiday shopping season! Okay, who cares it's not the biggest day for online sales and it was actually made up by online retailers and reported on by an all-too-lazy media as truth, hello, it was Cyber Monday! The holiest day of the online shopping year!

Okay, so maybe (i.e. definitely) Cyber Monday isn't real. (The graphic on this post, by the way, is from a Google Image Search for "Cyber Monday.") But that hasn't stopped Philadelphians from shopping online, as we apparently lead the country in online shoppers.

Apparently, Philadelphians are too ugly to shop in actual stores, so 79 percent of Philadelphians surveyed by notoriously inaccurate pollster Zogby will buy at least some Christmas presents online. And forty percent have used a cell phone to "comparison shop." OMG!

Wait, do 40 percent of Philadelphians even have cell phones that would allow them to shop online?

Philadelphia Leads the Nation in Online Shoppers [KYW 1060]

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Penn Panty Raider Arrested!

A Penn student has been arrested for allegedly mastermining several panty raids.

Yes, Penn senior Felix Wang was arrested for allegedly stalking several Penn women -- really? Penn women? -- and stealing their panties. This goes to show that watching all three Revenge of the Nerds movies over and over will do to you. (One of the women he's accused of stalking lives in the dorm I used to live in.)

The one-man panty raid gang allegedly stole a woman's dorm room key and entered her place; a roommate called police. But he didn't apparently even need to do that, since Penn kids are just too smart to lock their doors.

"I don't feel particularly safe because I don't lock my door and I know most college kids don't, so something like that, it could lead to bigger instances," student Christine Guo said.

Hey, people. You all have $3,000 computers and $500 iPods and expensive cell phones, etc. Plus, uh, this. Here's an idea they don't teach in Econ 1: Lock your fucking doors!

UPenn Student Arrested For Alleged Underwear Theft [CBS 3]

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It Does A Pavement Good

I'll have to agree with the Temple News' blog over this crime reported in this week's paper: What a waste of good milk.

Some (presumably drunk, only omit the word "presumably") Temple student hurled a gallon of milk out the window of his or her (only omit the words "or her") dorm, splashing the white tasty goodness onto the ground below.

Thanks to poor reporting, though, we don't know what kind of milk it was. One percent? Skim? Come on, people, this is important journalism.

Milk and Beer: a troubling mixed drink [Broad & Cecil]

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh, man, we got rid of graffiti on a wall, Philadelphia is a world-class city again!

Elmer Smith: Hey, let's dance around the topic of prison rape without mentioning it since, you know, "people deserve to be raped in prison" is the general American sentiment.

Fatimah Ali: Kids taking care of eggs to teach them about being a responsible parent when they're ready, yes, we've heard of that before.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Q102 DJ Apparently A Desirable Position

Ex-MTV VJ and current Q102 morning show guy (and, from the looks of it, current boy band member) Chris Booker apparently has a new woman in his life: Alycia Lane!

Yes, the New York Post finally didn't break some Alycia Lane news; last night Michael Klein reported the two were seen together at a Chris Rock show at the Borgata last weekend. Booker, who broke off an engagement in March, said, "We went to see a show. Whoop-dee-do." Anyway, they were also supposedly chummy at WOGL's 20th-anniversary party. Ooh, they've gone to all the big events!

Klein calls them "Philadelphia's new power couple," which means they're replacing, uh, I dunno, Chase and Jen Utley? This is probably a good thing for all of us, though, since Chris Booker totally looks like a dude who'd take (and then release) bikini photos. Hell, maybe he's ALB!

Alycia Lane + Chris Booker = ! [Inquirer]
Note: The above is the stupidest headline ever.

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Holy Family U. Shows Catholic-Style Forgiveness

Northeast Philadelphia's Holy Family University has a new rule in place for its students: Park off campus three times and you're expelled. Even if you go to confession!

Yes, it's not bad grades or killing a teacher that will get you expelled, it's parking in the neighborhood. The new rule is a result of a deal City Councilman Brian O'Neill brokered with the school, allowing it to build a new dorm, parking garage and business school.

Neighbors across Frankford Avenue were worried students at the once-commuter school would be parking in their neighborhood, so they came up with a draconian policy to let students know just what the real world is like: Ridiculously stupid and full of idiots!

The first time a student parks off campus, it's a $100 fine. The second time, the car will be towed. The third time, it's expulsion, and if you think that's a little overboard, I'm sure the fine residents across the street from Holy Family were actually pushing for the guillotine for the first offense. Parking in Far Northeast Philly will cause nuclear holocaust one day, just wait.

Want to Get Rid of a Truckload of College Students? Try This! [Heard in the Hall]

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November 26, 2007

Leftovers: Oh Alleges Voter Fraud

• David Oh says he's found several instances of fraud and will challenge Jack Kelly's puppy-fueled win for the final At-Large seat on City Council. [The Next Mayor]

• A Penn police officer shot and killed a man at Club Wizzards, formerly the more-frequently-than-you'd-expect (okay, "once" would qualify there) struip club haunt of Allen Iverson. [6 ABC]

• The Bulletin: "[G]lobal warming has roused considerable dispute in the... scientific communities[.]" Mmm-hmm. Fortunately, Pennsylvania will now be studying the issue, so that should be the, erhm, controversy to rest once and for all. [The Bulletin]

• Hey, John Street honored Jimmy Rollins and actually got his name right. [KYW 1060]

• Roland Laird says there's more than a 50-percent chance Andre Iguodala an