October 31, 2007

Mike Gravel Wins Shadow Debate

I was all excited for the Democratic Presidential Debate at Drexel last night because we'd get to see the wacky antics of Mike Gravel, the former Alaskan senator (he left the Senate in 1981) who is totally awesome and makes fun of all the other candidates.

Unfortunately, Gravel was banned from the debate because he's polling somewhere south of negative 18 percent. A supporter offered MSNBC $1 million to add Gravel to the debate, knowing he'd never have to pay it. Oddly enough, you'd think NBC would be itching for any income it could get.

So Gravel held his own debate at World Cafe Live by himself and won it, too. His communications director said if Gravel is kicked out, so should two other losers.

"Mike Gravel is tied with Joe Biden and Chris Dodd in some polls and is higher in others," David Eisenback said. "If it excludes Gravel, it should also exclude Senators Biden and Dodd."

Meanwhile, Chris Dodd wants to put us on the road to legal weed, just like Gravel and Kucinich. Dennis Kucinich is suddenly a serious candidate; that's totally awesome. Well, the serious candidate who sees UFOs.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:35 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

George Washington Blasts All Candidates

Some dudes decided to have a 1792 Presidential Debate to celebrate last night's UFO-laden debate.

And, guess what? George Washington hates everybody running for office.

President Washington, as imposing a figure today as then, was more standing than running: "Well, sir, I do not run for office. I believe that the sheer fact that somone actively seeks an office is proof positive that they lack the characteristics to serve properly. Unfortunately, many politicians twistify the very engines that put them there and they are not as concerened with the common weal as they should be."

Washington here just seems like he's trying to install de facto term limits. Oh, I see, he's president already, so all he has to do is say nobody's running for office. And, unsurprisingly, Washington got 100% of the electoral college in 1792. George Washington was as much of an elected president as Saddam Hussein, apparently.

And less than 0.5 percent of the population voted back then, which means Washington got fewer votes than your average dumb blog gets today. More people will probably wear hats for the Philadelphia Wings (over 10,000), who are not playing this year, than voted for Washington in 1792 (9,478).

All hail King Washington, who is more like Rudy Giuliani than any other candidate.

Posted by D-Mac at 02:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

'Bulletin' Sez Republican Victory All But Assured

Ha ha, you know who's shown to be competent recently? The Republicans, as they haven't had a Senator arrested for soliciting sex in a public bathroom or a Congressman accused of talking dirty to kids online in, like, months. No, really! (Update: At least at a federal level.)

At least that's what James G. Wiles of The Bulletin seems to think:

While the Democrats and their media allies search for some way to pin the California wildfires on George Bush and the Republicans, something far more significant is happening.

It's beginning to occur to the Democrats that they can lose the 2008 elections. Two months ago, this was unthinkable. But now, the trend on the ground in Iraq has reversed. And, second, with the administration and the California Republican state government's competent response to a major national disaster and Louisiana voters' election of a Republican governor, the ghost of Katrina may be dissipating.

There go the Democrats' two most winning issues.

Hey, the Republicans got it right this time, uh, I guess! Let's vote 'em in again despite the Iraq War and oil at a billion dollars a barrel and the war not paying for itself, which the Bush administration told us it would! How silly, people don't like it when you invade them.

If Mrs. Clinton 44 is elected, the presidency will have been controlled by the same two families for potentially 28 years. Do we really want dynasties in this country? Is America really like Argentina where, for the second time, a president's wife has just been elected to succeed him?

Apparently this is the newest attack on Hillary. If she's elected, the Clintons and the Bushes will control the country forever! I have not yet heard Clinton compared to the president of Argentina, though.

And, as in Spain in 2004, expect Osama's boys to try to influence the American elections.

Hey, I thought they were going after the 2007 elections.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:44 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Super Huge Pop Star Censored By Government

Hey, everybody, Will Bunch has our newest thing to boycott: It's Star 104.5! Or, rather, Alice 104.5. Wait. Maybe it's the station that simulcast WJJZ 106.1. Oh, wait, Rumba 104.5?

Wait, that's right, I actually wrote about this before. (In the previous paragraph, I forgot Sunny 104.5, but that was in my article.) Anyway, Bunch says the station, now on an alt-rock format, was told by its owner not to play the new Bruce Springsteen song!

Yay! The new one that sounds just like "867-5309/Jenny"? Are they maybe worried about being sued by Tommy Tutone? Oh, no, wait, it's his new track "Magic" which the always-reliable Fox News says Clear Channel has ordered its stations not to play.

Like Springsteen, these "older" artists have been relegated to something called Triple A format stations — i.e. either college radio or small artsy stations such as WFUV in the Bronx, N.Y., which are immune from the Clear Channel virus of pre-programming and where the number of plays per song is a fraction of what it is on commercial radio.

Aw, no, but Bunch isn't having any of that. No, he believes it's because the song makes fun of President Bush! Or, rather, it has lyrics that aren't rah-rah war or something. Okay, fair enough, Clear Channel probably does like war. (They are American.)

It's pretty bad when your best excuse for banning Springsteen is ageism (he's 58) but you have to conclude this is really all raw politics. Down with Tyranny has a good analysis of what's really going down.

The Clear Channel stations here are Q102, Power 99, WJJZ, WDAS-FM and WDAS-AM, and 104.5, which now plays the rock of the '90s, a format I never thought I'd live to see (no classic rock, by the way). I'm about to take 104.5 off my presets, and I suggest that anyone who cares about free expression exercise their freedom not to listen to Clear Channel.

Yes, you "have to conclude this is really all raw politics." I can see no other logical conclusion. After all, "Clear Channel is a big-time and very consciously right-wing power player with a goal of changing American pop culture," says that good analysis. Oh, but wait, some of its stations are playing the song.

As we all know, "Who Let The Dogs Out?" wasn't that big of a radio hit. What does President Bush have against the Baha Men? And be sure not to listen to Q102. Since it's not 1992, I think you should be okay without it.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:12 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Police Shooting In West Oak Lane

Hey, not fun news update: A second cop has been shot in Philadelphia for the second time in the past day; he was shot in the head at Dunkin' Donuts in West Oak Lane. If you can get to a TV, the coverage is weird and surreal; going from, say, Guiding Light to coverage of a cop being shot, then back to the soap opera. This shooting was near a plaque dedication of fallen officers, which had to be postponed. (Update: Clarified that previous sentence.) That means there were a lot of officers nearby, and they're chasing after the suspect. The officer shot in the head is in critical condition.

NBC 10 is going from the morning news magazine show with everyone dressed up in Halloween costumes to the coverage. Meanwhile, last night a police officer responded to a shooting at 15th and Sansom -- hey, right outside the PW offices -- and was shot at 22nd and Sansom in the shoulder. He's going to be okay, reports say.

The suspect in the shooting last night at 9 apparently dove into the Schuylkill and died.

Philadelphia Police Officer Shot In Head [NBC 10]
Cop wounded by suspect in shooting of 3 [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:26 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Taubenberger: Seems Like A Nice Guy

Hey, Republican mayoral candidate Al Taubenberger has a television commercial and, as expected, it's like the rest of his campaign: Sort of appropriate for a fifth grade student council election. In the ad, Philadelphians tell why they're voting for Al Taubenberger for mayor. Or, that's what a 1930s radio announcer says.

The gist of the ads: Vote for Al Taubenberger, because he's from the Northeast and he's an underdog. And this one girl with the thickest Philadelphia accent you've ever heard let us know "The Northeast never had a mayor," which literally is the only real reason to vote for Al Taubenberger. He also "seems like a nice guy." Really. That's one of the reasons his ad tells you to support him. He "seems like a nice guy."

Also, he has this woman's support:

If you're from Philadelpha, there's at least 4 people you'll see in this ad you will think you recognize, or maybe hooked up with.

Al also makes this dubious claim he is America's favorite underdog:

I'm not quite sure that's accurate. What about the Cleveland Browns? I have to believe more people like them than Al Taubenberger. No offense, Al. They're just a popular squad, plus it's funny when they lose.

Also funny: No black people!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:15 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

Shameless Self-Promotion 10.31

Hey, lookatthat! It's another Daniel McQuade cover story!

This one's about another tangential-to-sports topic, Steve Odabashian, the guy who impersonates Eagles coach Andy Reid. According to my friend Rob over IM, "I thoroughly enjoyed it!" With praise like that, how could you ever not Reid it? (Sorry.)

If that's not convincing enough, there's a decent amount of cursing and the cover photo is fun. Huzzah.

Headset of the Class [PW]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:34 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, that judge I bashed, now a lot of people are bashing her even more.

John Baer: I don't want Hillary to be president because of George HW Bush! Well...

Flavia Colgan: All the California National Guard's equipment was in Iraq and not fighting fires.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:15 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Presidential Candidates Discuss UFOs

Even though Mike Gravel was banned from last night's debate -- more on this later -- there was plenty of wackiness to go around. For example: This question about UFOs! Apparently Shirley MacLaine, the godmother of Dennis Kucinich's daughter, wrote in her new book Kucinich told her he saw a UFO.

Then Barack Obama refused to have any fun with Tim Russert although everybody laughed at him because he's good looking and charming. Hooray for democracy!

Posted by D-Mac at 08:42 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 30, 2007

This Is About How Good The 76ers Are

Which means the 76ers will be safely stationary all season.

David Aldridge | Dalembert as anchor will keep 76ers sailing [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:10 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Rendell Helps Kid Get Debate Ticket, Kinda

Drexel's newspaper, The Triangle, has created a special blog just for tonight's Drexel Democratic Debate (3D). The Blogspot blog has a number of stories posted already, including a story headlined "Chris Matthews talks to Drexel students." (The Chris Matthews?)

It also has the story of some freshman who put on a sign saying he wanted to go to the debate.

And, then he passed Ed Rendell, who was looking for a photo op or something. "Just remind me that you are the guy with the sign- I'll remember," the blog quotes Rendell telling Drexel freshman Tyler Piecara.

But, uh, it doesn't seem like Ed did anything, since apparently the dean of students is getting Piecara and four of his friends in to the debate. Rendell will probably not even be at the debate, as he'll be off hosting an Eagles debate show at Chickie's and Pete's.

Chris Matthews talks to Drexel Students [Drexel Debate]
Freshman gets creative, gets debate ticket [Drexel Debate]
[via Daily Examiner]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

WWE Wrestler Wows Ivy League Kids

About a hundred World Wresting Entertainment fans gathered to see Chris Jericho - wrestler turned actor, television personality, radio host, rock star and now author - at a book-signing appearance for his first book, A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex.

According to Jericho, the book is a "coming-of-age story" depicting how he "got to the pot of gold, with wrestling as a backdrop." [...] "The Sexy Beast," as Jericho is known, took a hiatus from wrestling beginning in 2004 after a loss to fellow WWE wrestler John Cena.

Rumors of a possible comeback spread throughout the line of fans, but Jericho was reluctant to respond to questions about it.

Although fans had little to say about Jericho's latest TV movie, Android Apocalypse, they said they enjoyed his literary debut.

Ahh, yes, literary giant Chris Jericho speaks at the Penn Bookstore. Was there a screening of Android Apocalypse to coincide with his book signing? That film is from 2006, so the writer was looking up things to add to the article on IMDb. Or he somehow saw Android Apocalypse last year.

WWE star draws crowd at Penn Bookstore [DP]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Philly.com Put Up Its Decorations Late This Year

Come on, guys. You waiting until October 30 to put up your Halloween decorations? The animated logo is a nice touch, though.

You won't see this from the New York Times.

Philly.com

Posted by D-Mac at 01:26 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Pennsylvania Hotbed Of The Paranormal

It isn't just Bigfoot who's been spotted in Pennsylvania. Now NASA has agreed to search for files related to a "fireball" that crashed near Kecksburg, Pennsylvania, in 1965.

On Dec. 9 of that year, people in North America saw a fireball cross the sky. It crashed near a town about 30 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, and the Air Force showed up and hauled a Volkswagen-sized object away from the site and told everybody not to worry about it, everything was under control.

As you might have guessed, such secrecy by the government only leads to more conspiracy theories and speculation that it's aliens or thetans or whatever. NASA complements this nicely by losing all the records related to the crash and claiming it was a Russian satellite, changing the story from years earlier.

NASA will now search for those lost records and tell us that it was actually a cow dropped from a helicopter or something.

NASA Will Re-Open Kecksburg UFO Files [Wired Science]
Kecksburg UFO Incident [Wikipedia]
Yesterday: Bigfoot Enthusiast Says Photo Is Bigfoot

Posted by D-Mac at 12:33 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

A Vote For Nutter Is A Vote Against, Uh, Bush?

Above, the new ad for Michael Nutter, who despite a nearly 75 percent lead in the polls feels he should run some ads. And how to get lethargic Philadelphians out to the polls on Tuesday? Tell 'em if they stay home, the terrorists (or at least Bush and Cheney) win!

Excellent graphics on the night to day transition. I wonder what Nutter's stance is on Daylight Saving Time.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:49 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Temple Improves To Worse Than Last

The [Temple] men's cross country team placed 11th at the Atlantic Ten Conference Championships Saturday at Belmont Plateau, recording a program best.

Good job, Owls! Way to place 11th in the Atlantic 10.

Incidentally, the women's team finished 13th. There are apparently like 70 teams in the A-10.

Runners dismayed by weather; times [Temple News]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, the government spent $1.3 billion and actually put it to good use.

Sandra Shea: Hey, come to the riverfront planning meeting so developers can probably ignore you.

Fatimah Ali: "But plenty of taxpayers like me are excited about the changing tides. And we're pinning our hopes on electing this visionary." Yeah, all the taxpayers are excited!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, I ran in that race about 10 years ago. Whee!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Hack Heaven

Geeze, I mean, I don't think he's that bad of a designer. Oh.

Hack to end term as dean of Design School [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 29, 2007

Leftovers: Nutter, Theft And Mongo

• Guess what? Michael Nutter knows he's going to win the election! That's right, folks, the smart guy running for mayor isn't a total moron and knows he was crowned mayor back on May 15. [Heard in the Hall]

• Penn kids are leaving their stuff unattended in the library and, surprise, people are stealing it. Wow, people, let alone college kids or always-trustworthy university employees, steal things? [Daily Pennsylvanian]

• Some dude named Mongo is angry about a new truck weight limit in Delran. I am sure the township will listen well to Mongo. [Camden Courier-Post]

• Somebody tell Bob Schieffer if you need two paragraphs to overexplain the joke in your lead, you might want to scrap it and try a new line. [CBS News]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:00 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Business Uses Machine To Help With Efficiency

Now that they've created a robot that can fill prescriptions without mistakes, it is only a matter of time before the perfect robot is created and humans become slaves to the master robot race. Thanks a lot, Underwood-Memorial Hospital.

Pharmacy robot immune to error [Camden Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Extended Daylight Savings Time To Doom Us All

Every once in a while, an article comes along that breaks all barriers between parody and seriousness. A reader -- even a seasoned media-obsessed reader like myself -- simply cannot tell if the people in the article are serious, if the writer is serious or if the article is some sort of elaborate scheme between journalist and source to make readers' heads explode in confusion. This is one of those articles.

It's a trick, a treat or a “nightmare.”

The government changes time.

You drive to work in darkness. You drive home in darkness.

Suddenly, child vampires and ghouls are wandering the streets before the sun goes down on Halloween.

And you spend your diminishing daylight hours changing all the clocks on TVs, VCRs, cell phones. (Don't forget the microwave and coffeemaker.)

For the first time ever, daylight-saving time was pushed back to the first Sunday in November this year. The sun won't set till 7:30 p.m. on Halloween. In some places, it won't rise until 7:30 a.m.

The government says the time shift could save energy.

Area psychologists say it will also make us stressed, leave some depressed and possibly weaken our immune systems. And we might never recover.

If only we had such strong writing in the run-up to the Iraq War, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. The Bucks County Courier Times has given us a wonderful gift: The greatest news story of all time.

A friend of mine told me over IM he suspects this is a ploy by the reporter, James McGinnis of Blinky the Clown fame, to not be assigned any more stupid stories like people angry over Daylight Saving Time.

But what about the sources? Take a look at the quotes from one John Olson, of Lower Southampton:

“The changing all of the clocks in my house, including the three wall clocks, stove, microwave, TV, TiVo, DVD player, VCR, clock radio, two wristwatches, two cars, two computers, two cell phones, the indoor and outdoor thermometer and clock, outdoor light timers and security system takes about two hours twice a year,” Olson said.

“Manipulating time causes mental trauma for all the animals, from the squirrels we almost run over every day on our way to work, our pets, the cows on the dairy farms who expect to be milked at about the same time every day, and roosters who are very time sensitive,” he added.

Fortunately, animals don't adjust their clocks for DST, so they should be okay. And, uh, I can't even imagine knowing how many clocks I have, let alone being able to rattle them off for a reporter while I complain it takes me two freaking hours to change all my clocks. (I've never had one, but the TiVo has to switch for Daylight Saving Time automatically. Ditto cell phones. I don't know how to change the clock in my cell, because it's always set automatically.)

“Let's say some poor citizen gets it wrong and always sets his clock ahead. After about 12 years the government will have stolen a whole day from this unfortunate soul,” he continued.

No. No no no. There's no way this is a real article. Somebody is having some fun with the poor old Courier subscribers of Bucks County, who were shaking their heads as they read this feature Saturday morning. On a side note, anybody who could manage to miss the Daylight Saving Time switchover for 12 straight years will be dead of stupidity and/or ignorance before the government steals a day from him.

Debbie Shuster of Newtown Township is more concerned about the impact on Halloween. “I'm 49 years old and all my life Halloween has always been in the dark,” she said.

“Now, the kids will be out trick-or-treating and the sun will still be up. The lights and decorations — you won't even be able to see them. I'm going to have all these nice little pumpkins outside and people won't even notice them,” she said.

How did McGinnis even find the sources for this article? Did he call up random people until he found people pissed off about DST? Anyway, the government really should have checked with the all-important Halloween decorators lobby before passing this bill. Actually, there was ample opposition!

In changing time, Congress and the president ignored opposition from the National Association for Catholic Bishops, the United Synagogue for Conservative Judaism and the National Parent Teacher Association. They lobbied on behalf of children and schools.

But the government sided with lobbyists from the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association, the National Association of Convenience Stores and the National Retinis Pigmentosa Foundation, who urged a time change.

Stop. Stop. There's no way this is real. Somebody please tell me I've confused McSweeney's with the Courier.

It is nice to know the National Association of Convenience Stores hates children and schools, though.

After a couple of paragraphs about the DST switch -- occurring one week later this year, mind you -- and how it's going to make everyone depressed and ruin the lives of millions or whatever and then we get to the best closing line in history:

“People need to look on the bright side of life, even if it's always dark out,” Rooney said.

KABOOM

A time of darkness [Bucks County Courier Times]
Dec. 14, 2006: Hopefully Philly's Casinos Will Have Such Amenities

Posted by D-Mac at 02:03 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

Pa. To Be Attacked By Terrorists Next Week

On Friday, an Associated Press article revealed Pennsylvania wouldn't be revealing the list of polling places to voters (except online) due to fears of terrorism inspired by the 2004 Madrid train bombings.

On Friday, everybody laughed and laughed and laughed at Pennsylvania for not even trying to come up with a good excuse to attempt to get fewer Democrats to vote.

And then Ed Rendell decided the state was going to release a list of polling places. But nobody really cares, since everyone already laughed at Pennsylvania and moved on.

I'd wear a bulletproof vest on the first Tuesday in November, since terrorists are now going to be able to find out where you vote. The Taubenberger-Nutter election must not go off without a hitch!

In About-Face, Pa. to Release List of State Polling Places [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

John Street A Serial Wheelchair Pretender

On Friday, John Street's legs were kinda tired so he decided to spend the entire day in a wheelchair.

Okay, no, actually, Street wanted to see what it was like to be disabled, and he said he learned a lot about accessibility issues in City Hall from it. However, much like anything else Street does -- say, waiting in line for an iPhone to show how in touch with technology this city is -- instead of making him look concerned or sensitive, it just makes him look like an idiot.

"I'm having today a sensitivity experience. I'm going to be in this wheelchair all day. This is not the first time I've done this, but every time you do it, you really have a renewed appreciation for the problems associated with disability," Street said. "Even though I'm voluntarily exposing myself to this limitation for the day, already it has been interesting."

His quote is essentiually: "Even though I'm only doing this for a day, already it's been interesting." What, you have to do things for more than one day in order for them to be neat?

Mayor Street Spends The Day In A Wheelchair [CBS 3]
June 29: This Kind Of Sums Up Eight Years Of John Street

Posted by D-Mac at 12:31 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

One-Paragraph Rant Disguised As Newspaper Column

The large, one-¶ rant to your right is not a blog post on a comment on some messageboard. No, it is a one-paragraph column by none other than America's Best Columnist, Chris Freind,!

It was one-paragraph online, at least. The Bulletin doesn't have the customary line of white space between paragraphs online, and there are spots that could have broken this rant into as many as four (4) paragraphs. Freind's enemy this time is New York governor Eliot Spitzer, who is apparently promoting a plan to allow illegal immigrants to obtain driver's licenses.

I don't care enough to look up Spitzer's reasoning for the plan, but Freind says it will only lead to terrorists flying planes into the Empire State Building. No, really: "If the brotherhood of Mohammed Atta decides to target the Empire State Building with weapons and explosives bought legally with their state-sanctioned drivers license, or, on the off-chance, they take a one-way joyride in a 767, you may have a few people knocking at your Mansion door." Why is mansion capitalized?

Freind has a ton of awesome arguing techniques in this column, including a reminder that illegal immigration is against the law. "Period." He actually writes that! And he uses the term "fat cats"! Oh, and he talks about how terrorists are now going to be voting in record numbers, since they'll be able to obtain driver's licenses. Basically, it reads like a parody of a right-wing opinion column.

The ending is my favorite part, though, because I'm not sure if he's inciting a call to violence or not:

In the midst of the most dangerous time in our nation's history, our "leaders" go out of their way to aid and abet the enemy. In case you're interested, the Governor's Mansion is in Albany.

So... are we supposed to storm the capital, Bastille-style, and come out with Spitzer's head on a pike? I mean, I like Macbeth and all, but I don't really know if recreating Macduff's beheading is the best way to settle disputes in 21st century America.

However: On Saturday, Spitzer went back on his plan, meaning Freind turning up the heat most certainly worked. Don't try to cross America's Best Columnist; you'll only get burned.

Driver's Licenses For Illegals Makes Al-Qaida - And Dems - Cheer [The Bulletin]
Governor Accused of Betraying Principles [NYT]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:53 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Bigfoot Enthusiast Says Photo Is Bigfoot

Hey! A Pennsylvania hunter, Rick Jacobs, says he has a photo of Bigfoot (at right). He apparently snapped the photo with a camera with an automatic trigger he set up in order to get snapshots of deer.

But, instead, he got a photo of an animal of indeterminate origin, which means it must be Bigfoot! "It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," Paul Majeta told the Associated Press. Paul Majeta, incidentally, is a member of the Bigfoot Research Organization, and is therefore an impartial judge of a creature's Sasquatchness.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission says there is "no question" the animal is a bear with a severe case of mange, but that doesn't make for a good headline.

But there is even better news. The Online Gambling Paper reports: "An online sportsbook once offered odds on the existence of Sasquatch, but the prop was canceled due to lack of interest. Now with Jacob's Bigfoot, we may see those weird odds pop up again." The OG Paper also has a report on the odds for the 2007 World Hamburger Eating Championship.

Update: In the comments, "michele" draws us a picture, literally. I really couldn't make any sense of the photo -- other than knowing it's not Bigfoot -- so it was helpful.

Hunter Rick Jacobs claims Bigfoot photo [OG Paper]
Pa. Hunter Stirs Bigfoot Debate [AP/Time]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:14 AM | Comments (22) | TrackBack

War Protesters Brave Weather

There were a bunch of anti-Iraq War protests over the weekend, because we're still in Iraq even though everybody wants out except George Bush and Dick Cheney and The Bulletin.

Around here, there were protests in Center City and across the river in New Jersey, where protesters were just as courageous as U.S. soldiers:

Adverse weather doesn't keep American troops in Iraq from completing their missions and it didn't keep protesters here from rallying to bring them home.

Both missions have similar chances of death, too, I'm sure.

New Jerseyans join protest against war [Camden Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:32 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, you may not know this, with the Daily News being your only source of information and all, but a magazine poll ranked this city ugly! Also, here's a note about City Council: "You're more likely to find their pictures on a milk carton than on a Wheaties box." Uhh, I know athletes tend to be attractive, but Wheaties box cover subjects aren't chosen on attractiveness. As far as I know.

Stu Bykofsky: Wuzzah? Stu wrote two columns today? They're both dated Oct. 29, so it seems so; the Daily News doesn't label Byko's columns as columns on Philly.com for some reason, so I miss them sometimes. Mdaybe the Travel + Leisure poll column is older?

This second column is about how the Democratic machine in this city wants you to vote for whoever the hell they want, which is how political machines work, but Stu isn't having it. Anyway, apparently Jack Kelly's I love puppies campaign worked on at least one person: "But a vote for Oh, in effect, may deprive Kelly of a vote, and since he's Council's leading animal advocate, I must vote for him."

Chris Brennan: Some woman's house was stolen and the dude who stole it is all, "Yo, I'll give her some money, look how generous I am!"

John Baer: Hey, here's how Vince Fumo can get off.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:29 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Graffiti Now Outpolling Al Taubenberger

If you weren't around this weekend, you missed a pretty eventful weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. Case in point, this headline in my Google Reader Sunday:

Yes, somehow graffiti acquired sapience and up and decided to write itself on a wall and vandalize a school. I am confused as to how this wasn't a bigger story.

Graffiti Vandalizes School [6 ABC]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 28, 2007

Hey, The Eagles Might Need To Win Today

Ooh, the rumor mill is working overtime today!

Uhh, yeah, the Eagles might need to win today's game. It's, as they say, a "must-win." Or maybe a "have-to-win."

Rumor: Eagles facing must win in Minnesota [Yahoo! Sports]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 26, 2007

Anonymous Blog Poster Wants Fistfight

Don't worry, don't worry, youse are all safe, even from the wrath of Mark B. Cohen. The above "Blog comments to be investigated" headline comes from Quakertown, where, indeed, blog comments are going to be investigated. The comments were made on a local news chat forum, so, yeah, it wasn't a blog but that's a shorter word to fit into a headline.

Following an angry debate over student performance and other matters, a person who signed onto a local news chat forum as “QCSD Board Member” threatened another poster by saying “...please say that to my face, preferably in the parking lot out back. If you're a woman, say it to my daughter so that she can tear you apart.”

The anonymous poster then revealed confidential district information and called his or her adversary a “fool” who lacks “the courage to lie to my face.” With a street fighter's bravado, the poster added, “You know where to find me. I don't have to hide in anonymity like you.”

With a street fighter's bravado anonymously on the Internet, of course.

Blog comments to be investigated [The Intelligencer]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Drug War Gets Another Villain Off City Streets

So a lawyer was going to visit his client in jail, and, whoops, this lawyer had coke on him!

So what was he doing, trying to smuggle in a stash of cocaine for his client? Nah, of course not:

[D. Scott] Perrine last night described the incident as a misunderstanding. Before visiting Curran-Fromhold, "I had a meeting with a client and his mother, and she had brought out [the vial] to demonstrate what she has to put up with," Perrine said. "There was nothing really in it at all, and that vial is what was found in my briefcase."

Perrine's attorney, Larry Krasner, said there were .001 grams of cocaine in the vial - roughly 1 percent of the normal amount of cocaine that would be sold in the type of vial found in Perrine's briefcase. Police officials confirmed that the amount of cocaine in the vial was minuscule.

Phew! It's a good thing this menace to society has been arrested.

Visiting jailed client, lawyer had coke vial [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

MSNBC Answers Its own Question

What keeps me up at night, MSNBC? Why, how convenient: The 75-year-old fugitive!

Fugitive arrested 28 years after prison escape [AP/MSNBC]
Wednesday: 75-Year-Old To Finally Be Thrown Back In Jail

Posted by D-Mac at 01:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Perplexed City Council Ready To Fix Your TV

As you may know, in early 2009 television will cease analog television broadcasts and transmit only digital. People with cable won't really have a problem, as will those with newer televisions. Those with old-timey TVs will have to purchase a converter box; the government will provide $40 coupons to anybody who wants 'em. (Look! The government has produced a less-than-helpful .PDF.)

While the government will make a boatload of money by auctioning off the old spectrum that formerly transmitted analog TV, the whole switchover is most certainly going to be a mess. (People, as you may know, are idiots.) But, never fear, Philadelphians: City Council is here to help!

"When the television doesn't work, they're going to call us." City Councilwoman Marion Tasco knows phones at city council offices will light up when TV goes all digital in February of 09: "We need to explain to them what's going on."

When someone's TV goes out, do they really call City Council? Man, I think I just realized that despite the six-figure salary, you have to deal with idiots all the time; I don't know if it's worth it. "Hey, Jim! My television isn't working!" "Yo, Brian, my refrigerator is broken!" "Um, Jannie, did you see today's Dilbert? It's hilarious!"

City Council Gets Briefed on Switch to All-Digitial TV [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:26 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

There's So Much Evil In The World

"It's a shame," Morello says, calling the culprit a "small-minded, cowardly person with an evil heart."

What could Celeste Morello be talking about? A murderer? A rapist? A terrorist bent on attacking our polling places?

No, of course not. We reserve our most evil definitions for some dude who knocked down a historical marker.

Fun fact in the article, though: The plaques take two men to lift and are built to withstand hurricanes. Neat!

Dan Gross | Vandals damage market marker [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:38 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Terrorists Finally Win; Pa. Hides Location Of Polling Places

You know, I was thinking of voting the first Tuesday in November, but it seems kinda scary. After all: What if a terrorist attacks my polling place? You might think that's a little silly, but the state of Pennsylvania doesn't! Yes, the locations of polling places will not be published this year due to fears of terrorism.

Yes, that's right: Usually, the state publishes a big ol' list of, you know, places where you can vote. Even though your vote is meaningless, it's at least nice to keep a semblance of a representative democracy. But since terrorists have been thinking about disrupting that all-important Nutter-Taubenberger mayoral election, the Department of State has decided not to release a list of places where you can vote.

The reason, of course, is the 2004 terrorist attack in Madrid, Spain, which happened just before an election there. (News of it didn't reach Pennsylvania until last week.) And since Michael Nutter and the Area Comptroller in Nowheresville County were the ones who got us into this war in the first place, terrorists might be thinking about taking action against Pennsylvania polling places. Especially in Berks County.

"The agencies agreed it was appropriate not to release the statewide list to protect the public and the integrity of the voting process," Department of State spokeswoman Leslie Amoros told the Associated Press. "It certainly had nothing to do with wanting fewer Democrats voting," she added in a quote I just made up.

If you need to know where you vote, you can call the state or county election bureau. Oh, and it's all freely available on the state voter services website. Terrorists, as we know, do not have access to the Internet.

Pa. Won't Release List of Polling Places [AP/The Guardian]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Baseball Legend Out Of Nowhere

When you consume as much media as I do, it's hard to get your brain to stop and slow down and actually let something weird in a story sink in. Pit bulls maul miniature horse donated to sick kid with brain cancer. Drivers in Indiana get stuck in freshly-poured concrete road. 33-year-old teacher has sex with 16-year-old mentally disabled student. All of these are ridiculous (and in some cases horrible; the drivers getting stuck in concrete is pretty awesome), but they don't really surprise me.

No, it takes a long, drawn out introduction in a blog post a really out-of-left field second paragraph to make my brain stop and slow down and say "Guh-wha?" For example:

MIDDLETOWN - A 21-year-old Middletown dad is standing trial in Bucks County court in Doylestown this week on charges he inflicted second-degree burns on his 5-week-old son by submerging the infant in scalding bath water.

David L. Cook of Poplar Street denies the charges. The baby's mother and her family are standing behind him, including the infant's maternal grandfather, baseball legend Ken Griffey Sr., who has attended Cook's trial daily.

My brain: "Oh, what an awful story, let's read on and--screeeeeeeeeeech. Shutting down..." Ahh, yes, Ken Griffey Senior. That's exactly who I expected to show up in the second paragraph of this article. It's going to take a while for my brain to reboot.

Dad tried for allegedly burning son [Bucks County Courier Times]
[Couple of those links via Fark]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:27 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daliy News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Can "The Philadelphia Model" stop the genocide in Darfur? Well, we have so much success elsewhere... but let's hope so.

Jill Porter: Hey, and here's somebody in Philadelphia fighting for tortured "enemy combatants." Smiles all around!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

'You May Sleep On A Bench, But I'm At 8 Percent!'

Everyone likes to complain about their financial situation. Even Bill Gates probably chews Warren Buffet's ear off about how he's only been able to buy three jets this week instead of his usual four. But Bill Gates wouldn't complain to me about his Microsoft stock, and I wouldn't complain to, oh, I don't know, a homeless person.

And so, I present, Al Taubenberger's quote to a group of homeless people at yesterday's homeless rally.

"Wanna hear the title of a sad book? My check book."

Al Taubenberger's check book is probably not as big as Michael Nutter's. But, hey, he has a check book.

Tune in tomorrow, when Taubenberger addresses a group of wildfire victims in California who lost their house and complains about how he could really use a new bathroom.

Friday Morning Wake-Up [Metropolis]
Yesterday: Go Rally To Fight Rich Fat Cat Homeless People

Posted by D-Mac at 08:40 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

October 25, 2007

Hackers To Shut Down City

Today's Metro asks our fair citizens about the new crime cameras proposed for sites of Philadelphia, and it appears a "connoisseur" from Center City is worried about gangs of hackers -- a convenient excuse for every computer-related failure -- ruining our city's new crime camera plan. Well, at least the friendly dealers at 13th and Locust can rest easy.

July 25: Loch Ness Monster Shuts Down Crime Cameras

Posted by D-Mac at 03:41 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Slow News Day Interrupted By Panty Raid!

NBC 10 reported yesterday that a Victoria's Secret in the Cumberland Mall was robbed! Of 50 pairs of panties! And it's the second robbery this year!

Yes, an everyday mall robbery made the news because feminine undergarments were taken, and NBC 10 could interview random people in the mall.

Shoppers here have their own theories about why someone would steal all that underwear, NBC 10's Ted Greenberg reported.

"They sell them on the street. People who need them can get them," Hunter said.

"Someone has a fetish, maybe," suggested Castro.

"I think it's crazy, you know," said Davis. "Get a job. Buy the stuff you need. Don't steal it. Everybody else suffers in the long run because the prices go up."

Shit. Fetish-crazed panty stealers are going to sell Victoria's Secret merchandise on the street and we'll have to pay more for it later on!

Another Panty Raid Occurs At Local Victoria's Secret [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:41 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Go Rally To Fight Rich Fat Cat Homeless People

Hey, know what sucks? Responsibility. Right? Bills to pay, babies to take care of, jobs to do work at, family members to wish well on their birthdays. Man, all of that sucks. Well, there's a good way to get rid of it, and it's just as easy as sleeping out on the street every night!

That's right, you need to try homelessness! It's the "consultant" or "online stock trader" of the 2000s! Why, if you're homeless, you have no responsibility, and you get to live in a mansion or something. Or you live on a fun street with giant birds and elephants and two gay dudes and some blue and red furry blobs of indeterminate origin!

This man says homelessness seems to be worsening: "It's starting to be younger people, in their 20s not in their 40s, it's real bad." That man you just heard says some people choose to be homeless in order to avoid responsibility.

There's a rally starting right about now at City Hall where you can go rally to end homelessness, so they stop their freespending ways and start giving back to the rest of us working slobs.

City Hall Rally Held to Fight Homelessness [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:57 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

A.C. Descends Into Anarchy, Incessant Lawsuits

Hey, remember when that mayor was missing in Atlantic City? Yeah, of course. Well, it seems the departed Bob Levy would be a better mayor than whatever is going on in Atlantic City now. And, so, the process where only one nomination was allowed for the selection of Atlantic City mayoral candidates is being challenged in court by the State Democratic Committee.

Yes, New Jersey's (New Jersey's!) Democrats are so angry they're suing the Atlantic City Democrats for being even more corrupt than anyone ever imagined.

[T]he process ran counter to what city party Chairman Scott Evans told committee members and the media. Evans earlier said all nominees would be considered and the party would name the top vote-getters.

Instead he called the vote after taking nominations from only one person - city ethics board member Howard Barsky, who nominated Evans, a school board member and city fire battalion chief, city Business Administrator Domenic Cappella and former City Councilwoman Barbara Hudgins - at the meeting Oct. 17.

Meanwhile, Evans said they filled City Council vacancies this way and they didn't do anything technically illegal so nyah nyah nyah.

Ooh, wait, it gets better.

At the City Council meeting Wednesday, William "Speedy" Marsh, who is serving as acting mayor and City Council president, pulled resolutions naming a new mayor until the legal issue is settled. The council has until Nov. 9 to make a decision.

Marsh refused to allow City Councilwoman Joyce Mollineaux to read a competing statement, so about 15 city party members walked out of the meeting.

Outside, Joyce Sewell, sister of disgraced former City Council President Craig Callaway, swore at reporters who approached. Callaway's brother Jihad Q. Abdullah said the family had no comment and threatened to file harassment charges if a reporter continued asking questions.

Ha ha, Jihad Q. Abdullah! Maybe he and Maximo Jurado can hang out!

State Democratic Committee, Devlin challenge Atlantic City picks for mayor [Press of Atlantic City]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack