September 28, 2007

Fightin' Back

The Phillies are like a girl you keep going back to even though she keeps cheating on you.

Last night, the Phillies moved into a tie for first in the National League East. The Mets have lost four straight; a sweep of the Washington Nationals will likely get the Phillies into the playoffs. Yeah, it's not over, and the Phillies could still blow it, but last night was about as excited baseball has gotten in this city since 1993.

in 1993, I was in sixth grade. When the Phillies made it to the playoffs, I didn't get any text messages that said "w00t phillies!!" as I did last night. The Phils could drop all three, and we could be heartbroken again. A friend's dad came up with a scenario only a native could anticipate: Mets sweep, Phils win Friday and Saturday and then lose Sunday, as do the Eagles. Season over. Football team is 1-3.

Or maybe this time, it'll work out with her. Either way, it's been fun so far; it'd be more fun to keep it going.

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Phillies Driving Mets Fans To Brink Of Sanity

A comment on Metsblog:

This really is my first post here. Im 31 and right along with the most of you guys Im a ‘take it way to seriously die-hard’….Since this month has started I have broken up with my GF over this nonsense, and my stomach wont stop churning. Basically the last 2 weeks have been the worst of my life. I realize that Matt probably wont read this, but to whomever does I just wanna say that this site has been cathartic to me and helped me deal with the craziest, wackiest month of my life. It sounds like an AA Meeting, but knowing there are others like me helps. Just like the rest of you I keep going to bed just wanting this to be over, one way or another. Not caring if they lose or win at this point…

And it goes on like that. It'll be okay, though; the nine strangers you root for not playing so well isn't the end of the world. Unless the Phillies end up blowing it, in which case it will be.

Let them know [Metsblog]

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Liberty Bell To Be Replaced With Copy Of 'War'

CNN, last night:

Man, I thought this media blitz was a bit over-the-top, but I didn't know we were giving him the Liberty Bell.

This is via Johnny Goodtimes, who is now hosting quizzo online, which is sort of so futuristic that he's not doing it on a Segway is kind of disappointing. Online quizzo hosted by Robot Goodtimes has to be next.

Holy Crap [JGT]

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Mayor Street: The Fifth Beatle?

With apologies to, um, everyone.

A recent morning walk by John Street:

We start off at 6:30 in the morning down 13th Street to Spring Garden. Through Community College. Across the Parkway. Along Schuylkill River Park. Past Rittenhouse Square. Up 12th Street back into North Philly.

Seven miles. His short course, he says.

Gotta say, that's somewhat of an impressive walk.

Annette John-Hall | A long walk shows strides Street has made [Inquirer]
[Street photo by Ron Tarver/Inquirer]

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People Continue To Like Animals More Than People

“In many ways, rats and mice get greater protection as research subjects in the United States than do humans,” said Arthur L. Caplan, chairman of the department of medical ethics at the University of Pennsylvania.

And those are animals people don't like. When it's an animal people like, such as horses or dogs, people really get into it. Mike Vick and the dogfighting ring? If you held the same thing, but with humans -- say, "humanfighting" -- people would cheer it on as people battled in rings and cages.

Still, I think horsefighting would be pretty popular.

Report Assails F.D.A. Oversight of Clinical Trials [NYT]

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Union Resorting To Underhanded Tactics

The protesters you may have seen marching down 15th Street yesterday dressed entirely in purple -- the color of the Minnesota Vikings! -- were from the Service Employees International Union Local 32BJ. Ha ha, BJ.

The protest yesterday was for, uhm, fair wages. Seems like a good thing to protest for. The union's contract with building owners and cleaning companies expires Oct. 16 and a strike will be authorized "if necessary."

Still, I'm a little disgusted at SEIU's underhanded, immoral tactics. Some of the union workers yesterday (like the ones in the photo) had Thunderstix, the ridiculously annoying noisemakers sometimes given out at baseball games and other various sporting events.

Those things should be illegal. They're pretty much the most irritating things on the planet, and if the union wants to keep using them, then the public needs to turn on them. Drop the Thunderstix, get fair wages. Deal?

Phila. office cleaners authorize strike 'if necessary' [Philadelphia Business Journal]

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Let's See How They're Taking It Up In New York

Ugh. Ads on the back page? I'd rather have a giant bee on top of the Inquirer building.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:20 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Woo-hoo! A whole column about Bono and no puns on U2 songs.

Jill Porter: Yeah, if you call your elected officials or something, things will change?

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September 27, 2007

Whoomp, There It Is!

And who's the savior? That's right: A-list lefty blogger Duncan "Atrios" Black!

He's got the Philly (and Democratic) pessimism down. Hey, this is the only time Atrios and Michael Smerconish will agree on something, probably. The Phillies: Building bridges!

Update: Hahahaha Mitch Williams says the Phillies have "been blithering idiots all year" after Shane Victorino hit him with a pie. Mitch ducked a full on blow, but Michael Barkann got one right in the face from Brett Myers. Then Wild Thing called tomorrow night's starter for the Nationals "the same guy with the bad beard again."

MLB Standings [ESPN.com
Off to go be disappointed by the Phillies. [Atrios]

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Obligatory Post About Unseasonable Weather

I love this view of the Comcast Center from Dilworth Plaza.

It's September 27. It's 85 degrees outside. Go out and eat some ice cream or something. I love fall, but let's enjoy summer for a bit longer.

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Herb Denenberg Is Awesome

I hadn't read any of Herb's columns in a while, but a perusal of a few of his recent musings are incredibly awesome. Denenberg is focusing less and less on consumer issues and more and more on people who he feels should be executed for their thoughts. Or something like that.

Oh? Now, you take a look.

How To Lose A War By Ignoring And Denying It, Aug. 24:

America, graced with its resources and military power, can't lose this war against international terrorism unless the Democratic Party wins the White House and walks the most powerful nation in the history of the world down the path of retreat, defeat, surrender and appeasement. When that White Flag, now waved by the Democratic Party leadership, flies over the White House, it will truly symbolize the surrender of America and the end of America as we know it.

How The Mainstream Media And Political Correctness May Cause Us To Lose The War On Terror, Sept. 19:

How do you win a war against terror, aka World War III, when:

* the mainstream media largely ignore what Islamic extremists and terrorists are doing around the world, making the mainstream media one of the terrorist's best friends, [...]

In July 2005, the BBC suddenly dropped its plans for a dramatization of John Buchan's novel Greenmantle. The novel involves the attempts of Germany to inflame Muslim extremists during World War I. BBC said the book contained "unsuitable and insensitive material." Isn't that considerate? But where was that consideration when BBC aired "Jerry Springer: The Opera." That production is described as a "scurrilous, anti-Christian expostulation" that "occasioned widespread protest among Christians."

Don't Be Shocked At Columbia's Invitation To Ahmadinejad, Sept. 24:

So no one should be surprised that Columbia University honors America's enemy No. 1 in time of war. In fact, if this were still the season of graduation, Columbia would have probably given this certified murderer of American soldiers and civilians an honorary degree.

I'm going to submit a parody conservative column to a humor publication, and I'm just going to take parts of Herb Denenberg's columns and not change anything. I'll be rich. These are awesome.

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Cute Doggies To Invade Pennsylvania In Nov.

I've seen media hordes around star athletes. I've seen media hordes around politicians holding hamburger buns in a reference to a 20-year-old catchphrase. (It was the LOLcat of its day.) I've even seen media hordes crowded around an anonymous guy in a giant shark mascot costume.

Before today, though, I had never stood behind a media horde attempting to photograph a group of dogs. Yes, that's right, the above photo of photographers laying on the ground is because they're taking photos of doggies who are drinking from martini glasses. (They're drinking water.)

Today was a press conference for the National Dog Show, which is returning to the Pennsylvania Convention Center from November 15-18. I learned a bunch of facts about dogs and the dog show and the Philadelphia Kennel Club -- did you know it predates the American Kennel Club? -- today, but mainly I just looked at the doggies and went, "Aww."

The press conference was fairly standard, except it was interrupted a few times by barking. The dogs also didn't wholly cooperate; being dogs, there was a lot of butt-sniffing going on.

The cool thing about the National Dog Show is it's a bench show, which means the dogs have to stay on benches in the building all day. And the public gets to walk in and chill with the doggies! Isn't that awesome? And some breeds have as many as 50 dogs competing for Best of Breed. That means there will be tons of spaniels sitting around, looking cute. And there will be owners there ready to answer any questions about the breed. All in all, it's a pretty good day.

The dog with the football-shaped head above is Rufus, who won Best in Show at the National Dog Show in 2005. Yes, there were dog celebrities at the presser, too. Also there was Miki, a standard poodle who won 88 Best in Shows and is now retired. (He also won the National Dog Show in 2002.) As you may know, those shortened names are just the dogs' "call names" and they actually have ridiculously long registered names with the AKC. I am too lazy to type these names out.

Frank Rizzo's chief of staff showed up and declared the days of the show would be the Dog Days of November in Philadelphia. Rizzo couldn't make it because he was in City Council debating important things, like retiring Roberto Clemente's number. (No, really. That's what they debated in City Council today.)

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Kids Nowadays, Etc.

Seaside Hights is the only shore town that might rival Wildwood for trashiness. It also recently had an awesome, awesome crime.

An adult used a toddler to steal the purse of a worker at a Seaside Heights boardwalk arcade, sneaking the child under a swinging door to pull off the midnight theft, according to a report in the Home News Tribune.

The adult, who is also carrying a skateboard, walks about the arcade with the children before using his or her foot to push the little girl under a short, swinging door to have the child steal the purse of a woman who works at the arcade.

What? The adult's just teaching the kid to be fiscally responsible at a young age. There's video here.

Adult uses toddler to snatch a purse in Seaside Heights [Star-Ledger Blog]

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This Is Pretty Much The Greatest Headline Ever

Well, I mean, patriots love America and America-haters hate it. Right? I wonder which side Lee Harvey Oswald is on. I mean, sure, he shot the president, but he shot a Democratic president. That means the people at The Bulletin would love it, no?

Update: Oh shit! I actually read it. You should too. Here's the third sentence.

I'll give you my view of the issue up front: I think anyone who doesn't love America and realize it is the greatest nation in the history of the world is either demented (on the far side of crazy) or incredibly dumb.

Looking Into Divide Between Patriots, America-Haters [The Bulletin]
Yesterday: Democratic Party Supports Noted President Killer

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Ha Ha Everyone Left Riverside

About a year ago, Riverside, New Jersey, passed a law forbidding owners from employing or renting to illegal immigrants. And, whoops!

With the departure of so many people, the local economy suffered. Hair salons, restaurants and corner shops that catered to the immigrants saw business plummet; several closed. Once-boarded-up storefronts downtown were boarded up again. [...]

Numerous storefronts on Scott Street are boarded up or are empty, with For Sale by Owner signs in the windows. Business is down by half at Luis Ordonez’s River Dance Music Store, which sells Western Union wire transfers, cellphones and perfume. Next door, his restaurant, the Scott Street Family Cafe, which has a multiethnic menu in English, Spanish and Portuguese, was empty at lunchtime.

Riverside rescinded the law, but they already spent so much money defending the law in court they had to delay road repaving. But, hey, the Brazilian flags that "rankled more than a few longtime residents" are gone, so huzzah!

Towns Rethink Laws Against Illegal Immigrants [NYT]

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One Commenter's Dream Inching Closer To Reality

Okay, now they're just teasing us. A CBS 3 video about Bikini Madness? If they really want to increase ratings during the next sweeps, just show Alycia Lane in a bikini -- they'll pass even Action News in no time.

At Your Desk 9.27 [CBS 3]

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Abridged 'Daliy News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Ha ha, John Street apparently never pays his bills on time!

Michael Smerconish: Charles Barkley is so awesome he made this Michael Smerconish column pretty good.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 26, 2007

Eagles Honor Greatest Philadelphians; What, No Milton?

Dunkin Donuts -- the official coffee of the Eagles™ -- released its list of the 75 Greatest Living Philadelphians. This is done in conjunction with the Philadelphia Eagles, who are celebrating their 75th year. Why the Eagles and DD are honoring great Philadelphians, I do not know, but, hey, whatevs.

As expected, the list does not include me or Ira Einhorn. It does, however, include our own bloodthirsty district attorney, Lynne Abraham! Congratulations, Lynne!

But the most deserving member on the list is most certainly RED KLOTZ. Klotz, if you didn't know, is the coach of the New York Nationals, the team that plays (and loses to) the Harlem Globetrotters every game. Formerly, he coached the Washington Generals, the previous team to hold that honor. Red, you're a better ambassador to Philadelphia than I or Lynne Abraham could ever hope to be. And, really, since you coach a basketball team that loses every game, you fit in with Philadelphia perfectly.

Other notable names on the list: The Dunph, Ron Jaworski, Sonny Hill, David L. Cohen, the guy who runs the Narberth Basketball League (Dan Kazanicka), Len Law (awesome name #1), William J. Marrazzo (the much-loved WHYY President), Mary Mason, Erin McCool (awesome name #2), Larry Mendte, U.S. Rep Patrick Murphy, Q102's Diego Ramos (!), Dawn Staley and Judy Wicks. Oh, this list is getting better and better the more I read it.

Full release and list after the jump.

Dunkin’ Donuts and the Philadelphia Eagles Announce the 75 Greatest Living Philadelphians

Individuals recognized for their community service initiatives and accomplishments

PHILADELPHIA (September 28, 2007) - Dunkin’ Donuts, the largest coffee and baked goods chain in the world, today announced the 75 Greatest Living Philadelphians, in celebration of the Philadelphia Eagles 75th anniversary season.

Hosted by Dunkin’ Donuts and the Philadelphia Eagles, the 75 Greatest Living Philadelphians contest provided fans a forum to nominate and honor individuals based on their community accomplishments and their ability to impact, improve and inspire the city.

“Dunkin’ Donuts is proud to recognize these 75 amazing individuals who have made a positive and lasting impression on the Greater Philadelphia community,” said Jackie Keown, Dunkin’ Donuts’ marketing manager for Central Atlantic.

Recipients of honor will be officially recognized at Lincoln Financial Field during a special ceremony on October 11.

During the 2007-08 season Dunkin’ Donuts is the official coffee, donut and breakfast sandwich sponsor of the Philadelphia Eagles. With community events, co-branded products and in-store promotions at 450 stores in the Greater Philadelphia area, Dunkin’ Donuts is the leading corporate partner of the Philadelphia Eagles 75th anniversary celebration.

About Dunkin' Donuts
Founded in 1950, today Dunkin' Donuts is the number one retailer of hot regular coffee-by-the-cup in America, selling 2.7 million cups a day, nearly one billion cups a year. Dunkin' Donuts is also the largest coffee and baked goods chain in the world and sells more hot regular coffee, iced coffee, donuts, and bagels than any other quick service restaurant in America. Dunkin' Donuts has more than 7,200 restaurants in 31 countries worldwide. Based in Canton, Massachusetts, Dunkin' Donuts is a subsidiary of Dunkin' Brands, Inc. For more information, visit www.DunkinDonuts.com.

Lynne Abraham, District Attorney, City of Philadelphia and Community Activist

Mark Baiada, Healthcare Advocate and Founder, Bayada Nurses

Sally Berlin, Board Member and Long-Standing Contributor, Police Athletic League

Marcella Bossow Schankweiler, Founder & Director, Crossing the Finish Line

Joseph Callan, Special Events Manager, Fairmount Park Commission; Senior Advisor, City Special Events Task Force; Volunteer

Deborah Calvert, Pediatric Social Worker, Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

David L. Cohen, EVP, Comcast; Former Chair, SE PA Chapter, American Red Cross and Former Chair, United Way of SEPA

Robin Cohen, Founder & Executive Director, Sandy Rollman Ovarian Cancer Foundation, Inc.

Carlton Dampier, MD, St. Christopher's Hospital for Children, Sickle Cell Anemia Care

Elizabeth Dow, President & CEO, LEADERSHIP Philadelphia

Fran Dunphy, Head Coach, Temple University Men's Basketball and Board of Directors, Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Greater Phila.

Jack Eggert, Veteran and Long-Time Volunteer

Patrick Eiding, President, Philadelphia Council AFL-CIO; Philadelphia City Planning Commission; Community Activist

Kara Fraiman, Founder, Ashley's Angels (in support of Palliative Care in Philadelphia )

Bill Gambrel, Founder, Frankford Chargers Youth football, Community Leader & Organizer, Youth Recreational Programs

Henry Gibbs, Pastor, Greater BibleWay Temple and Community Volunteer

Jane Golden, Founder and Director, City of Philadelphia Mural Arts Program (MAP)

Dan Greene, Long-Time Volunteer, Franklin Institute

Pauline Greene, Long-Time Volunteer, Franklin Institute

Louis Grow, Social Worker, Child Abuse Prevention Effort (C.A.P.E.)

Gloria Guard, President, People's Emergency Center Community Development Corporation

Mary Lou Haughney, Long-Time Volunteer, Special People In the Northeast (S.P.I.N. Inc.)

Mary Jane Hazell, President, Somerton Civic Association and Community Activist

Jonathan Grabelle Herrmann, Executive Director, Campus Philly

Sonny Hill, Founder, The Sonny Hill Community Involvement League

Ron Jaworski, Former NFL Quarterback, The Jaws Youth Fund and United Way

Dorothy Johnson-Speight, Founder & Director, Mothers In Charge

Camara Jordan, Community Relations Manager, United Way of Southeastern Pennsylvania

Tammy Kang, MD, Pediatric Oncologist, Palliative Care Program: Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

Dan Kazanicka, Director, Narberth Basketball League; Director, Annual Mr. D Golf Outing; Community Volunteer

Maryann Keenan, MD, Chief, Neuro-Orthopaedics at University of Pennsylvania

C.B. Kimmins, Community Activist & Co-Founder, Mantua Against Drugs

Lew Klein, Founder & President, National Association of Television Program Executives Educational Foundation and Former Chairman, Police Athletic League

Louis "Red" Klotz, Basketball Ambassador

Jon Kromer, Volunteer Firefighter/EMT , Thorndale Fire Company and Combat Medic, Afghanistan

Chad Dion Lassiter, Community Activist, Operation Understanding, and The Black Men at Penn School of Social Work, Inc.

Len Law, President, Philadelphia Vietnam Veterans Memorial Society

Marie Lawler, Teacher and Active Volunteer

Pamela Rainey Lawler, Founder and Board of Trustees, Philabundance

Bishop Robert Maginnis, Auxiliary Bishop to Cardinal Justin Rigali and Administrative Overseer to Chester and part of Delaware County Vicariates

William J. Marrazzo, President and CEO, WHYY; Former Water Commissioner, City of Philadelphia; Community Volunteer

Alba Martinez, President, United Way of Southeastern Pennsylvania

Mary Mason, Community Activist and Radio Talk Show Host

Joan Dawson McConnon, Co-Founder, Associate Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer, Project H.O.M.E.

Erin McCool, Education Programs Coordinator, Philadelphia Zoo

Bruce E. McElrath, Founder, Disabilities Rights Advocacy Group Inc. (D.R.A.G.)

The Most Reverend Joseph P. McFadden, Auxiliary Bishop of Philadelphia Former President, Cardinal O'Hara High School

Harry J. McHugh, Board Chair, American Red Cross of Southeastern Pennsylvania

Shannon Meehan, US Army, Currently Serving Our Country in Iraq

Larry Mendte, CBS-3 Eyewitness News Anchor and Community Activist

Lisa Mesi, Teacher and Advocate for Education

Patrick Murphy, Congressman and Iraqi War Veteran

Jim Murray, Former GM, Philadelphia Eagles and Co-Founder of first Ronald McDonald House in Philadelphia

Yvonne Newkirk, Kidney Transplant Program Team, Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania & Breast Cancer Awareness

Benjamin S. Ohrenstein, Chair, Legal Counsel and Active Volunteer, The ALS Association Greater Phila. Board of Trustees

Sharon Pinkenson, Executive Director, Greater Philadelphia Film Office

Diego Ramos, Q102 Morning Radio Show Personality and Long-Time Philadelphia Community Volunteer

Thomas Riethof, Long-Time Volunteer and Instructor, American Red Cross Southeastern Pennsylvania

Charles "Chip" Roach, Philanthropist, Social Entrepreneur and Founder of A Better Philadelphia, Inc.

Rudard Robinson, Activist, We The People Living with AIDS, Preventing HIV Project and Greater Phila. Urban Affairs Coalition

Linda Rosanio, Co-Founder and CEO, The Star Group; Chapter Board, American Red Cross Southeastern Pennsylvania; VP of Marketing, Eagles Fly for Leukemia

Bertram A. Ruttenberg, MD, Founder, The Center for Autism in Philadelphia

Gordon Schwartz, MD, Co-Founder, Foundation for Breast and Prostate Health

Liz Scott, VP of Development, Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation

Jay Scott, Executive Director, Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation

Sister Mary Scullion, Co-Founder, Executive Director and President, Project H.O.M.E.

Lt. Susan Slawson, Commanding Officer, Police Athletic League of Philadelphia

Dawn Staley, Head Coach, Temple University Women's Basketball and Founder, The Dawn Staley Foundation

Miriam Standhardt, Long-Time Volunteer, Salvation Army, Meals on Wheels and Lions Club

Thomas Staunton, Police Officer, City of Philadelphia

Andy Talley, Head Coach, Villanova University Football & Football United For Life (National Bone Marrow Donor Program)

Maria Tate, Counselor, Women Against Abuse and Carson Valley School

Donna Trigone, Nurse and Ambassador, The Arthritis Foundation

Solomon Volen, Community Volunteer, American Red Cross Disaster Services, USO, VA Hospital & Veterans Home

Judy Wicks, Humanitarian and Founder of the White Dog Café [technically, there's no accent on Cafe in the name—dmac]

Posted by D-Mac at 05:00 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Mayor Can't Keep Track of All His Wheelings & Dealings

Hey, so remember when John Street tried to get in property tax delinquents? And then he accidentally -- whoops! -- was delinquent on property taxes himself? Well, how'd that happen?

Good luck getting an answer from the mayor, he has no idea!

At issue are tax bills for two of Mayor Street's properties that had not been paid since 2003. Street paid the nearly $5,000 bill only after being told of the matter by a reporter last week. In his first public comments on this, Street said there's confusion over the bills, and said he won't try to straighten it out in the media:

"That's personal, and I'm not going to get into how I pay my bills. Legitimate taxes weren't paid on time, and when I found out, I paid them. And I think that's good enough."

Street also overpaid on some other bills, but he's a millionaire so it doesn't really matter. Ha ha, John Street is a millionaire! What are you going to tell me next, state legislators make six figures? Oh, shit.

Mayor Mum About Why He Failed To Pay Property Taxes [KYW 1060]

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Mmm, Animal Liver Really Wets My Appetite

I don't like food, but if I did, I'd have a rule for the meat I eat: If I know where it came from, I don't want to eat it. We know hamburgers come from cows, but who knows what part of the cow it came from. We know hot dogs come from pigeons and rats and shoes, but who knows what part of the shoe you're eating.

Anyway, this -- well, among other reasons -- is why I have absolutely no desire to eat lobster. You know it's a lobster when you eat it. You know when you eat the... whatever part of a lobster you eat. (The claws? You don't eat the claws, do you?) And this is also why I have absolutely no desire to eat foie gras (foy GRASS). Mmm, goose/duck liver? Yum!

But that doesn't mean I want to cave in to the four people who don't want you to eat foy grass. Well, actually, I don't care; if restaurants don't want to serve it because of protesters, go ahead. And if they want to serve it, uh, that's okay too? Anyway, as part of a promotion, a group of local restaurants will be serving foy grass for just five dollars.

We do not believe that a minority of animal rights zealots should determine the direction of our business. Nor do we want to be intimidated by them at our restaurants or homes. We want the City Council to know that these few do not represent the whole of Philadelphia.

In the city of Philadelphia, the birthplace of American liberty, we want to keep the right to serve foie gras.

I believe that's in the Declaration of Independence: That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to eat as much disgusting-sounding Duck Liver as they want.

Try foie gras for $5 [Foobooz]
[Image by Pikaluk, licensed via Creative Commons]

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Fortunately, City Not Neglecting Breasts

Yesterday, City Controller Alan Butkovitz released a report detailing how incompetent the city is, pretty much. (This is his job.)

And one of the more egregious items missing? Why, of course, a mammogram machine, which had somehow apparently been lost. It seems like it might be hard to lose one of those, but, hey, it's Philly.

But fear not, ladies: The mammogram machine has been found; it was never missing in the first place! Hooray!

Acting Health Commissioner John F. Domzalski, appointed on Friday after a department shakeup, said that the machine, reported missing this morning by Controller Alan Butkovitz, is accounted for and operating at Health Center #4.

Domzalski did say that the Controller's other findings appear to be true.

So, you know, we got that at least. Phew.

Mammogram Machine Found! [Heard in the Hall]
Thanks, Citizen Mom

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Democratic Party Supports Noted President Killer

A recent column in The Bulletin begins with the line, "James G. Wiles is one of The Bulletin's finest writers," which is a pretty funny way to start a column, but it gets better.

The column is about Democratic traitors who hate America, which is what war supporters attempt to label opponents now that Iraq has turned into a giant melting pot of death. Funny, I thought the people who sang "Why Should God Bless America?" were the ones who hated America, but whatever.

Anyway, here's the list of Democratic traitors:

For example, Wiles referenced Sen. John Kerry, who got himself national publicity in the '60s by making totally unsubstantiated claims about American troops, and many millions believed him because he was a Navy officer. His lies resulted in getting him elected to the Senate in the most far-left state in America; his opinions were shown to American prisoners of war in communist prison camps as propaganda. Jane Fonda overtly gave aid and comfort to the enemy. Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated the commander in chief of the American military during the most dangerous years of the Cold War. MoveOn.org calls Gen. David Petraeus, while he is in command of troops in combat, "General Betray Us." Sen. Harry Reid says we've "lost the war" when we're in the middle of it, sabotaging our troops and aiding and comforting al-Qaida. The "mainstream" media networks work very hard to find soldiers and officers who will tell us how poorly we're doing, when the overwhelming majority of our troops know we're winning.

Oh, that Lee Harvey Oswald, noted Democratic leader! Well known for assassinating a, erhm, Democratic president! (If you believe Arlen Specter.) Yes, he surely is an American traitor who current Democrats absolutely love. Geeze, Democrats, why won't you denounce Lee Harvey Oswald!

On Traitors And The Democratic Hard Left [The Bulletin]

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Prude Neighbors Try To Shut Down Awesome Club

The photo at right may look like an ordinary boring building, but in fact it is a private sex club! Swingers go to the club to, uh, have sex, and, like anything cool in this city, NBC 10 wants to shut it down!

Reporter Harry Hairston talked with neighbors who don't like people having sex in a building to them, because they might catch AIDS or something. To quote The Simpsons Movie, "Stop in the name of American squeamishness!" Here's the best part of the report:

That's right, group sex served up with a dinner buffet and a nightclub DJ. And it's located right in the middle of a neighborhood bordering Port Richmond and Fishtown.

Mostow said monogamy is checked at the door, making room for those who want more -- people like Rich Sellier and his wife, Tamela. The married couple with kids enjoys dinner at home. But every now and then, dessert is far from apple pie on a plate.

The swinging couple said they first heard of the alternative lifestyle on the radio. "We wanted to come try it out and, you know, it’s just got that little twist," Sellier said.

Asked what that "twist" is, Sellier said, "Bring the party here and, when you're done, you go home."

"So, what do you say to people who say that this is wrong, it's immoral and you shouldn't do it?" Hairston asked.

Yes, it's a shame we don't live in a country where consenting adults can be stopped from doing what they want to do because some old lady doesn't think it's right. A neighbor says the swingers get out of their cars naked, which doesn't seem quite true, but no matter. It's all about the one real issue close to everyons' heart: Property values.

"I wonder who would ever buy a house next to that? I mean, maybe Huge Heffner, but that's the only one I would know of," Beattie said.

Okay, well that's a better reason to not want to live next door to a sex club. Anyway, it's temporarily shut down while L&I investigates. The investigation is expected to take 45 years.

Neighbors Want Local Swingers' Club Closed For Good [NBC 10]

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Correction Of The Day

Consumers can save money by swapping incandescent bulbs for compact fluorescent light bulbs. A story in Monday's Work & Save section was incorrect.

Whenever there's a correction like this, I always wonder what the original mistake was. I don't go and look for it, because it would never be as fun as what I can make up in my head. I'm pretty sure the original mistake that goes with this correction was something like "General Trogg of the planet Melmac-2 declared war on Idaho yesterday." Yeah. That was definitely it.

This correction also goes pretty well with today's PW, too.

CORRECTION [Courier-Post]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:48 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Phillies Right On Pace For Late-Season Collapse

Ohh, yes, here we go: Last night, the Phillies gave up three runs in the first. Jamie Moyer, who pitched with Satchel Paige, wasn't getting the calls on the edges of the plate as he likes it and ended up grooving one to Mark Teixeira to give the Braves a 3-0 lead.

But wait! As the Mets were getting pounded for the second straight night by the Washington Nationals, the Phillies rallied on homers by Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard and the coolest cat in town, Jayson Werth. They tied it at 4. They took the lead on a sacrifice fly in the bottom of the fifth. But they left Jamie Moyer in, and by the bottom of the sixth the Braves were up three again, 8-5.

The Phillies ended up losing, 10-6, last night, and fell a game back in the Wild Card. They're still two back in the division. After the game, the Phillies whined about the umpire and not that Jamie Freakin' Moyer, the good guy with the 5+ ERA, is a pitcher on this team. And they didn't whine about the bullpen, which had been surprisingly good in September but blew it last night.

Of course not. You don't whine about your teammates. But, really, why complain at all? The Phillies are in the final week of the season, it's inevitable they'll collapse. Don't get your hopes up. Of course, the Phillies have had awful defeats before this season and they've come back to give the fans hope again. Up and down, up and down; it's been like this all year. The only question is: Can they actually bounce back this time when they don't have the Mets to beat up on?

Phils can't gain on Mets [Inquirer]

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Abridged 'Daliy News' Columnists

John Baer: Live from 2004, here's a column about FactCheck.org!

Jill Porter: This woman loves cats so much she moved into a condo that didn't allow pets.

Phil Goldsmith: Al Taubenberger has no shot at winning.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:00 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 25, 2007

Leftovers: Fly The Friendly Skies To An Unfriendly Place

• U.S. Airways has gotten tentative approval to begin direct-flight service from Philadelphia to Beijing. Just in time for the 2008 Olympics you won't be able to afford to attent! [The Road Warrior]

• Residents in Norristown are being urged to boil their drinking water because the town has been sent back in time to 300 B.C. through some sort of wormhole. [KYW 1060]

• According to one random dude, Penn is the fifth-worst football team in the nation, two spots behind (who else?) Temple. That's just silly. I'm sure Penn would beat La Salle and Notre Dame. Oh, ND is first in the poll, nevermind. [The Buzz]

• The Fort Dix trial is postponed until January; I expect it to be postponed again and again and again until we forget about it. Justice! [Burlington County Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:21 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Sexy Female Pirate Ninja Zombie LOLCats Are Chuck Norris' Base, Killin' His Doods

The rest of Pennsylvania is an interesting place. It seems content to simply kill us with nuclear fallout and also they have ninja robbers.

Female ninja robbers. Out near Pittsburgh, two women dressed as ninjas robbed a convenience store. Weird, you think they'd go after a bigger target. They're ninjas and all.

Police said the two women -- one with a dagger, and the other carrying the sword -- entered a Sunoco station in the 5600 block of Route 8 at about 3 a.m. [...]

"They were all covered in black and carrying swords, so it did appear that they were dressed like ninjas," said Chief Robert Amman of the Northern Regional Police Department. "Swords, daggers could be used to seriously harm victims, so this is a very serious crime."

If there's one thing I know about the Internet, it's that it loves stupid shit like ninjas. (And zombies and cats and Chuck Norris and All Your Base Are Belong To Us!) So here's my ninja post of the day to get more and more Google hits to this site. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

Female 'Ninjas' Rob Richland Gas Station With Sword, Dagger [The Pittsburgh Channel]

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Hilarious Asleep Employees To Kill Us All

New York'sCBS 2 -- or as it calls itself "CBS 2 HD" -- reports a little funny anecdote from the nuclear power plant in York County: The guards are asleep on the job! Ha ha!

Reporter Scott Weinberger attempts to scare us all by letting us know that employees at the Peach Bottom Nuclear Plant -- pretty far west of Philadelphia, but close in terms of "nuclear fallout" -- are asleep on the job and terrorists could just waltz in and presumably... hell, I dunno. Aren't there locks on the doors?

The guy at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission said, "Clearly we're concerned about what we saw," but as you know, we're only concerned with Lite Brites promoting Cartoon Network movies and how many more Guantanamo Bays the next president will build. But if television has taught me anything, all that goes on in a nuclear power plant is donut eating by Lenny and Carl and if there's a meltdown Homer will manage to save us all anyway. Phew.

Exclusive: Nuclear Plant Guards Asleep On The Job [WCBS-TV]

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Worst Corn Maze Ever

Hey, know what's a good thing to do around Rosh Hashana? Well, hell, I don't know, I'm not Jewish. But I do know something that's not all that nice to do: Cut a giant swastika into ground!

Yes, the swastika at right was hand-cut into a corn field in Washington Township in Mercer County recently and was discovered by a helicopter pilot on a "routine maintenance mission." A routine maintenance mission for what? To check for swastikas carved into cornfields? Because that would be a pretty hot job.

Anyway, people are blaming stupid punk kids or possibly racists. But police aren't expected to find the culprits because the news media fucked it up:

The attention directed to the site by news helicopters, however, may have led people to trample evidence, which could hamper their investigation[.]

Huh? Did people think it was a corn maze? Please, Corn mazes are only carved into cool things, like Gerald Ford.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield [NBC 10]
Police Investigating Giant Swastika Carved Into New Jersey Cornfield [Fox News]

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Lots O' Breaking News!

• A trash truck flipped onto its side and burst into flames in Ridley Township in Delco. The Waste Management truck, say Action News, burst into flames, "spilling trash onto the Amtrak lines below." This actually cleaned up the area, say officials. [6 ABC]

• A building at 13th and Race collapsed and injured a man walking by on the street. Police later arrested him for hampering the construction of the new Convention Center. [NBC 10]

• Meanwhile, Chester High School is locked down after a student was shot in the leg. Police have a suspect, but aren't saying if the dude's a student or not. Or, rather, "investigators think they know who the suspect is," which is sort of kinda maybe means they might possibly have a suspect. [6 ABC]

• A judge rules a lawsuit against the Allentown School District can continue; the district is alleged to have covered up rapes of first-graders. Thank CBS 3 for the excellent "CHILD RAPE?" graphic at right. [CBS 3]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Authorities Keep Gambling In Safe Hands Of Multinational Corporations And Indian Tribes

If you like losing your money like I do, you've no doubt wandered into a bar sometime and wondered, "Well, why can't I gamble here? It's a much more efficient way to lose your money than buying drinks for a girl who isn't going to go home with me anyway!" Unfortunately for us, the law prohibits gambling except in cases where already rich people can make even more money from it.

Fortunately, though, a group of not quite as rich men in Montgomery County figured out they should be able to deliver what the public wants; the authorities quickly moved in to shut down the public's fun. KYW 1060 reports a video poker ring was busted in Montgomery County. On the criminal scale of one to Al Capone, "video poker ring" weighs in somewhere around -15.

Sources say prosecutors executed search warrants at more than a dozen bars including one owned by a prominent elected official in Montgomery County. Sources say the major player is Connelly Vending which owns the machines and at least one arrest is expected and nearly two million dollars in cash was seized along with several machines.

The offenders will be quickly taken away from their families and thrown in jail along with the million other non-violent criminals and Steve Wynn will be safe to buy another 30 private jets. Ain't America grand?

Sources: Illegal Video Poker Ring Busted in Montco [KYW 1060]

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A City Asks: How Will The Phils Blow It This Time?

Ahh, yes, here we are, the final week of the baseball season. The Phillies have played 156 games this year, winning 85 of 'em so far. And that 85-71 record has them right in the playoff hunt at the end of the season, something Phillies fans have actually been accustomed to the past few seasons.

Of course, Phils fans have also been accustomed to blowing it in the final week of the season as well. Last year, the Phillies dropped games to the Washington Nationals after entering the final week of the season in position to win the Wild Card. The Phils held Wild Card late leads in 2005 and 2003, too. And, with the Padres spiraling out of control and losing their fourth straight last night, the Phillies are tied for the WC lead in the final week of the season.

Perhaps this is the year the Phillies will shake off the recent ghosts of Craig Biggio and whoever was on Washington last year. (Teddy Roosevelt?) Or perhaps the Phils will finish a game out, and the game where they blew an 8-2 lead against the Braves will come back to haunt them. The 2007 Phillies are frustrating, sure, but they're also a fun team to watch, and no matter what happens during the final week of the season it's been a hell of an exciting year.

Oh, and Chris Coste sniffs his bats. Wait, what?

"But there was one time when I first got into pro ball - I don't know if I was catching or hitting - but either myself or the batter barely nicked the ball on an unfinished bat. And you can smell it, without even putting your nose up to the bat. You could smell that same smell. So the next time I was hitting, I fouled off the ball and I smelled my bat.

"I don't know if it's the wood or the leather of the ball. Maybe it's the combination of both. But I think when I first did it, I might have hit a home run in that at-bat. So it's maybe 50 percent superstition, 50 percent because I just like the smell."

Whoo! That's the kind of attitude that can lead a team into the playoffs.

Fit to be tied [The Zo Zone]
Gordon relishes playoff chase [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:00 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daliy News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: How dare the School Reform Commission ask parents what they'd like to see!

Elmer Smith: Ha ha, the big Republican candidates hate black people.

John Baer: Ed Rendell put me to sleep.

Fatimah Ali: First I thought this! Then I thought this! Then I thought this! Then this!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:07 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 24, 2007

Leftovers: Really Odds & Ends

• No one entry on Midtown Village's website encompasses the area more than this one. What do you like better, Asian Babes or Fit & 30? [Midtown Village]

• Drexel is looking to make the Internet Public Library an actual service the public might want to use. Neat! [Daily Pennsylvanian]

• Republicans in the suburbs hate that they can't spout whatever they want to anymore because Democrats are following them around with videocameras. Wah wah wah. [Burlington County Times]

• Headline of the day, part 1: I say, old man, cricket is catching on in the colonies [Camden Courier-Post]

• Headline of the day, part 2: Underwear-clad man charged with assault [Camden Courier-Post]

• PennDOT warns us: Be careful when driving in the fog! Thanks, I was planning on going 70. [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:07 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Rock Paper Scissors Tourney Offers PBR, Uh, Bike

Hey! In case you didn't know, I'm kind of a big wheel in the world of competitive rock paper scissors. (Photographic evidence here in shot #2.) And by "big wheel," I mean, "I'm actually quite atrocious."

Unfortunately for the rest of the league, I hit an inexplicable hot streak during the finals of the RPS City League this year and ended up advancing to the final eight before losing to the eventually runner-up. And, so, I am technically ranked in the top eight in the city, a notable fact I enjoy bringing up every 30 seconds or so. Mwahahaha!

Anyway, Saturday, October 6 is the annual "Keystone Classic," which I kind of like to call the state championship of RPS, a moniker I am fairly sure is inaccurate. Perhaps it's the Northeastern United States championships. Last year I refereed the Keystone Classic, and managed to do a terrible job.

Anyway, this year's RPS Keystone Classic features a $5 entry fee and a top prize of $500. Second place, though, is a Pabst Blue Ribbon bike. I'm kinda hope it's made out of cans of PBR, but I assume it's just a regular blue bike with a Pabst logo on it. If you win this bike and lock it in the City of Philadelphia, it is guaranteed to be stolen within 15 minutes.

Sure, you could buy a PBR bicycle on eBay, but what's the point when you can get one just for placing second in a rock paper scissors tournament. Honestly, when I get to the finals, I might just throw the match so I can drunkenly ride that bike home. Actually, that's probably a bad idea; I'd better just win instead. Or, more likely, lose in the first round.

Full release after the jump.

Dear PBRPRPSCLCS Mailing List Member:

I am pleased to announce that the 3rd annual Pabst Blue Ribbon Rock Paper Scissors Keystone Classic will take place October 6th at Whiskey Dix Saloon.

The Keystone Classic is the last and most prestigious event leading up to the conclusion of the 2007 season at the World Championships in Toronto on October 13th. This will be a good warm-up for the players from Philadelphia traveling to Toronto this year to fight for the title (which I will probably win).

The entry fee is $5 with a first place prize of $500. Runner-up gets a PBR bike. Tickets are limited to 128 and advanced registration (which I highly recommend) and all the other info you need is available at www.northeastrpschamps.com. Don't miss your shot at becoming the 2007 Keystone Classic Champ!

Hope to see you on the 6th.

C. Urbanus

Posted by D-Mac at 03:41 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Ed Wade Is Tougher Than 10 Pat Gillicks

Ed Wade, the new general manager of the Houston Astros and former GM of the Phillies, is ready for his new job. The Inquirer's Jim Salisbury interviewed Wade and asked him about his new job and the Fightin' Phils.

Oh, and he also talked with Wade about his devotion to extreme sports:

Wade also poked fun at himself for his much-talked-about skydiving mishap last month in South Jersey. A licensed veteran of 36 jumps, he encountered wind and had to make a quick call: Hit power lines, a building or a tree. He picked the tree, and it's a good thing he got snagged because "I would have been a Volkswagen hitting the ground if I didn't."

Wade, 51, had to be freed from the tree by rescue workers, and he suffered some significant bruises. But not enough to keep him from training for his first marathon. He'll be part of Team Travis, a group of about 180 that will run in memory of 1st Lt. Travis Manion in the Marine Corps Marathon next month in Washington.

Just wait, people. In a few years, Ed Wade's going to win the Ironman Triathlon. He'll probably celebrate by skydiving into a pool of hungry sharks.

On Baseball | Wade: Regrets, he's had a few [Inquirer]

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Ha, Old People Don't Have Time To Cross Street

A new study from AAA says that traffic signals change too quickly for old people to cross the street. As a young person, I only have one response: Ha ha ha you may have Social Security and pensions and money and no work to do and have led a good life but at least I can cross the street in a timely manner! Score one for young people!

According to The Intelligencer, the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that old people walk 0.5 to 0.8 feet per second slower than young people, making them unable to cross the street without a car running over them. (Unfunny fact: Actually, 170 pedestrians died in the state last year; a third were over 60.)

But, for the most part, this just inconveniences old people while we all run across the street 20 times before they get to the center median.

Study: Traffic signals change too quickly for some seniors [Doylestown Intelligencer]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Ridiculous Web Comments Proven Awesome, Legal

From your friend and mine, Anthony DiMeo:

"Without a doubt, Tucker Max has exploited my good name and image, and he and his following have published scurrilous lies about me on his Web site . . . I did not file the DiMeo v. Max lawsuit out of vengeance but to stop further damage to my good name, character and solid reputation."

U.S. Court of Appeals Third Circuit dismissed DiMeo's appeal of his lawsuit against Tucker Max for a hillion jillion dollars or whatever. You hear that, Mark B. Cohen and your penis? Inane, angry ridiculous commenters always win! Now somebody get me Alycia Lane in a bikini.

A break for bloggers [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:23 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

Brett Mandel Wants Us To Throw Our Taxes In River