August 31, 2007

Good Night.

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Good Afternoon.

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Good Morning.

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August 30, 2007

Liveblog: Phillies Go For Sweep

[Courtesy of phillyskyline]

The Phillies play the Mets today at 1:05 today at the Bank. The Phils have won the first three games of the series and outscored the Mets 16-6 to boot. That the Phils have only given up six runs -- and the bullpen has been scoreless -- is exactly the reason why they get our hopes up every year around this time.

Well, consider me fooled again. I'll be keeping an eye on the game after the jump this afternoon. Haw, haw.

12:48 - Before the game begins, Charlie talks about Mets and Phillies fans fighting in the stands.

12:50 - Also, if you want to hear what Marcus Hayes has to say (since he won't respond to your emails), he's on the pregame show, too.

1:22 - Mets pitcher Orlando Hernandez throws one pitch approximately every 10 minutes. I should be able to milk this liveblog all day. Thanks, Orlando!

1:28 - Heeey! The Mets pitch to Ryan Howard, and Howard crushes it to center; a guy on Ashburn Alley apparently tries to catch it with his beer cup and (not surprisingly) fails. It's 2-0.

1:41 - Everything's going right: Carlos Ruiz snap throws after a pitch and Howard tags out Delgado at first to end the second.

2:08 - Bahahahaha Pat Burell homered right to the Phanatic in the outfield. Then announcer Gary Matthews celebrated by making a plug for Geico.

2:11 - Aaron Rowand homered now. Oh, and the Phillie Phanatic was arrested for stealing the ball from the guy next to him that caught it.

2:45 - All hell broke loose, the Mets scored 3 runs, Phils starter Kyle Lohse was taken out, Geoff Geary popped out, the Phanatic probably got arrested again. It's 5-3, Phillies.

3:06 - We have been told Geoff Geary gets double play groundballs 1 out of every 8 times he has the chance. We are not told if this is good. Oh, and a sac fly ties the game at 5. Here come the Phillies we know and love!

3:22 - 7-5 8-5, Phillies, on a bunch of bloop hits. The Phillie Phanatic has been taken in for questioning in a triple homicide.

3:51 - Top of the 7th, and for some reason we come in to "Sunshine Day." But of course.

4:02 - OMG Beerleaguer is going to break its own comments record!

4:32 - And the bullpen breaks down, Phils are now down 10-8 in the bottom of the eighth. Again, those Phillies are back.

4:43 - To respond to the comments: I don't know, does Man City have any players who come out to "Dirty Laundry"? Pat Burrell does, and he hit another homer to make it 10-9.

4:55 - Bottom 9th, Jayson Werth hits a bloop single to give us hope before the Phils blow it somehow.

5:00 - Jayson Werth stole second and third on back-to-back pitches without throws.

5:08 - Iguchi hit, Iguchi steal, J-Rolli intentional walk, Utley single, Iguchi scores, game over, Phils sweep.

5:13 - Ha, ha, the Beerleaguer page exploded!

Posted by D-Mac at 12:45 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

Phila. Suburbs New Hot Spot For, Uh, Space

The Philadelphia area may not be the bed of high-tech innovation, but a firm in the suburbs is making a buck on the lucrative field of space tourism.

ETC said in a press release that its contract with Virgin "puts Pennsylvania on the map as the current center of commercial space training."

The center of commercial space training. We're entering into a new golden age for Pennsylvania, people.

Would-be space tourists to train in Phila. area [Phila. Business Journal]

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Phillies' Opponent Screws Up For Once

Here's how the Phillies won last night, in hilarious fashion. A takeout slide outside of the basepath -- or something, baseball rules are so annoying sometimes -- gave the Phillies the win over the Mets and put them in position for a sweep this afternoon at 1.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:04 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

The Pa. LCB: Annoying You Since 1932

As you can tell from the promotional photo for the PLCB I swiped from gophila.com, Pennsylvanians have a deep love for their Liquor Control Board. How else to explain the 75th anniversary celebration for something called the Liquor Control Board?

The stores are getting a new look. If you've been in a state store recently, you will know the state stores were apparently last redesigned in around 1981; I don't know if that's true, but that's what it looks like, so same idea. I feel like playingPac-Man every time I go into the state store.

In addition to probably unveiling American Apparel-style ads featuring Jack Daniels, the LCB will also update the look a little:

“It could be the layout of the stores, it could the paint on the walls, it could the way the floors are arranged. It’s also going to be how the product is arranged. We’re going to be studying a little more closely the way our customers shop.”

So, uh, new paint, awesome.

Pa. Liquor Stores To Get Makeover For 75th Anniversary [KYW 1060]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

God dammit all the columns today are on subjects I have absolutely no interest in hearing about. It's the end of the summer! Write about babes on the beach or how awesome puppies are or about how the sky is blue. Or the gay bathroom sex senator from Idaho! And: Michael Smerconish, write about something other than sports. I already read enough horrible columns on the sports pages, I don't need to read another one on the opinion page.

Consider this a public service that I'm summarizing ("summarizing") these columns today because I really don't want to.

Michael Smerconish: It's about how the media is treating Andy Reid's kids unfairly or something. Yes, I really want to hear more about Britt and Garrett Reid and how they need help (and the one needs Accutane).

Ronnie Polaneczky: It's a sad story about a woman who lost 1 1/2 legs from a gunshot wound and it's all sad and I don't want to read it.

Stu Bykofsky: Some reverend wants money to rehab his church, and he wants it from Wachovia, which didn't do anything wrong, and he pickets outside the bank's headquarters. I cannot think of a better way to serve Jesus than picketing a bank to get them to give you money. Actually, this column was decent enough.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:32 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

My Mormon Mission Is Finally Over

Yes, that's right: Today is the two-year anniversary of Philadelphia Will Do, and I hope you celebrate it the same way I do: By cutting work and going to the Phillies game. (Kidding, I'll be here, though you should do that.) Thanks to all my co-workers, all the wacky people who make this job a blast sometimes and you, for inexplicably reading this BS every day. Aww, doggies!

Photo via Flickr]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:38 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

August 29, 2007

For Better And For Worse

The Center City Weekly Press redesigned its website. The edgy 1998-style logo is probably modeled on the artwork of Trent Reznor or the World Wrestling Federation, and the site is infinitely easier to read.

But the site also features a talking female robot/fake newsbabe, perhaps the cousin of Irresistible Ella, making it infinitely worse to visit. I'm not sure what happens when to infinities collide, but best not to think about it if it tears the universe apart or something.

Weekly Press
Archives: Irresistible Ella

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Awesomest Lead Ever

God might be ever-present but representatives from the Roman Catholic Church were auspiciously absent from Monday night's Bensalem Council meeting.

Church absent from cemetery hearing [Bucks Co. Courier Times]

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Triple Play, Hat Trick, Et Cetera

It's the trifecta! Nobody's hit the drug-baby-school zone in forever. I said the sport needed a new triple crown winner to survive, and perhaps this will finally bring it back to the spotlight.

Man jailed for selling drugs in school zone with baby in car [Bucks County Courier Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:47 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

We Talkin' 'Bout Stoppin' The Violence, Here

Okay, so a couple of musicians are making a "stop the violence" CD. Whatever. Good, actually. But, uh:

They don't need to practice because they've been living everything they sing, they said.

Yeah. I think it might be better if you practiced. Unless, of course, you're Allen Iverson.

Local Musicians Cut Anti-Violence Song, Video [NBC 10]

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Thanks, Daily News, For Your Investigative Reporting

There are no signs from the Eagles' brass that McNabb will be cut by the Sept. 1 deadline.

In other news, Ryan Howard is likely to start tonight against the Mets.

Donovan 100 percent sure he'll start season opener [Daily News]

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Preacher Who Sucked Cock Invites Gays To Church

Across the river in Jersey, they do have the gay civil unions, due to a state Supreme Court ruling and subsequent law passed. But not everyone is on board, and not just the Catholics.

The pastor of the Cumberland County Community Church put up a sign advertising "Help for the homosexual" at his service this weekend, and NBC 10 was kind enough to go interview him about how much he hates the gays.

Turns out -- and here's a shocker! -- the speaker delivering this speech, Greg Quinlan, is gay himself. Well, okay, he's "ex-gay," and believes he can turn people from same-sex attraction to the Lord because he repressed it well enough, didn't he?

The church's pastor says, hey, anybody can be ex-gay if you just pray hard enough! "He has been set free, and because he has been set free in Christ, others can be set free also." Yeah, yeah. NBC 10 even interviewed some dudes on the street, and came up with an excellent closing line:

"I think they should help gay people so they can stop being gay," Joel Ortiz, of Millville, said.

"I think that's pretty misleading. I guess, because I don't believe that can happen," Saida Sawyer, of Morristown, N.J., said.

[The pastor] said he is simply teaching the truth. Others, though, said his ideas of faith are filled with fiction.

Church Sign Offers To 'Help' Gays [NBC 10]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Two dollar signs for the letter 's' in the headline. Hopefully all the Daily News headlines will eventually be in leet-speak. 3aGL3S pwn C0\/\/B0yZ, and so forth.

John Baer: Our seatbelt laws aren't strong enough, or something? I dunno.

Phil Goldsmith: The news peg for this story is, no shit, a woman who Phil Goldsmith wants to write about who has the same last name as someone kinda in the news.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Phils Win, Fans Make Futile Attempts To Catch Homer

Hey, the Phillies rallied to win on Ryan Howard's walkoff shot last night, and they've won the first two games in a "must-win" series against the Mets. The Inquirer has a photo gallery of last night's game; above, the fans attempt to catch Jimmy Rollins' homer in the 8th inning.

Well, some of them do, at least. The woman in the black might not be close enough to catch the ball, but she wouldn't be able to anyway. Both hands directly into the air is not the recommended baseball catching technique. Other things learned from this picture: People still wear Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirts, Darren Daulton (back right in green) time-traveled in from 2012 to catch the game.

Howard Powered [Inquirer]
Slideshow: Howard's Walk Off HR in 10th beats the Mets [Philly.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 28, 2007

Pat The Bat Popped Out Again

By now you may have heard about the verbal altercation between Phillies pitcher Brett "The Incredible Hulk" Myers and Inquirer reporter Sam Carchidi, where Myers called Carchidi a "fucking retard." There's audio from KYW 1060 here. While it's not, "We talkin' bout practice," it is pretty good.)

Taking a cute from Dawn Stensland, Myers' later apologized to any retards he offended. Weird thing is, Myers has had his alleged physical-alertcation-with-wife problems, but he usually doesn't blow up at reporters or anything, except for this one mild-mannered reporter.

But who cares about that. After Myers's and Carchidi's voices began to raise, Pat Burrell -- wearing only a towel -- attempted to calm things down. Burrell is currently doing everything right. And what happened, but, whoops, the towel fell off.

Brett Myers blows (the game); screams obscenities at reporter [Bugs & Cranks]
Myers Apologizes for Word Choice [AP/Comcast SportsNet]
March 15: Retards Force Dawn Stensland To Apologize

Posted by D-Mac at 03:15 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Pa., N.J. Are Fat, But You Should See The Other Guy

Break out the standard stock footage of fat people's jiggling bellies and giant calves, some study or magazine or something released a list of "fattest states."

Although Philly was at one time America's fattest city, we've gotten better in recent years in that pointless Men's Health ranking, apparently. And in a report released by "an obesity watchdog group," Pennsylvania and New Jersey are fat, but not as fat as some people. Nearly one in four adults in Pennsylvania are "obese," and 13 percent of kids.

Colorado is leanest with a 17 percent obesity rate, while 30 percent of Mississippi residents are fat, most of them from drinking whole kegs of beer and eating entire pigs while tailgaiting at college football games or something. Oh, and overall poor people were the fattest, because the rich in this country can afford gastric bypass surgery, or don't eat Wendy's 10 times a week.

Pa., NJ In Middle of Pack Among Fattest States [KYW 1060]

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Alycia Lane, By The Numbers

• 0 Celebrities in Philadelphia.
• at least 1 Love triangles¹ Alycia Lane is allegedly in involving Swedish supermodel Victoria Silvstedt.
• 1 Times yours truly has been quoted in the New York Post regarding Alycia Lane.
• 2 Dogs Alycia Lane has.
• 2 Husbands Alycia lane had (not at the same time).
• 3 Page Alycia Lane was on in the Post (New York, not Washington) yesterday, according to The Daily Examiner.
• 3 Channel Alycia Lane is on.
• 4 Entries on this list that are just padding to make it look longer.
• not awful Taste Alycia Lane has in dogs. (She has a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Yorkie.)
• at least 10 Blog posts I've written about Alycia Lane.
• 11 Photographs in the New York Post Alycia Lane slideshow.
• 103 Excluding impostors, number of "Alycia Lane bikini" comments left on Philadelphia Will Do.
• 434 Words more the Post gave the story than the Inquirer (507-73).
• 1997 Year the wife of Alycia Lane's new beau, Chris Wragge, was named Playboy Playmate of the Year.

¹Whatever, I'll all it a love triangle if I want to.

Co-Anchoring [Page Six]
Alycia Lane’s Love Life Bigger News in New York [The Daily Examiner]
Archives: Alycia Lane

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College Women To Lower Federal Deficit

The college kids are starting to trickle back into the city, and that means one thing: Uhh, birth control sales are going up? Well, I guess.

There is one thing we know: KYW 1060 reports birth control prices are going up. The 2005 Federal Deficit Reduction Act, which went into effect in January, significantly cut the discount pharmaceutical manufacturers could offer to student health centers. Somehow, this will cut the deficit so much we can start a few more wars, or perhaps care for all the babies people are going to have because they can't afford birth control.

(Actually, I don't know if that's true; it makes sense, no? Hopefully college kids will just buy smaller amounts of weed and spend the rest on the pill or whatever, or wear a fucking condom, but, you know, people are pretty stupid.)

Although it's been in effect since January, schools stocked up on medications with prefixes like Ortho- at the end of 2006. Now the supplies are depleted, and the prices are finally going up. A school paper in Nebraska says prices for "Ortho Tri- Cyclen Lo" went from $10 to $40. It's also a college paper so it has one of these funny constructions: "This increase in price has caused many students to rethink their birth control methods. [...] junior Betsy Hills said: 'I think this is going to cause a lot of UNO students and women in general to rethink their birth control methods.'"

Oh, and Penn apparently didn't stock up because Penn hates its students; the West Philly school's prices went up in January.

College Kids To See Increased Prices For Birth Control [KYW 1060]
[Image is, of course, the Plan B girl]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:33 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Phillies Win Despite Worst Call In Baseball History

The Phillies won big last night over the Mets, 9-2, in a series they probably have to sweep, or at least sweep the games Adam Eaton isn't pitching. They didn't get any help from umpire "Cowboy" Joe West -- is he a pro wrestler or something? -- who made this Tim Donaghy-level horrible call in the first inning because he was too lazy to get into position.

We're entering the end of baseball's regular season and the beginning of football's, i.e. one of the best sports times of the year. That the Phillies are still kinda-sorta in it makes it all the better. Let's just hope the umpires don't try to screw the Phillies out of another win like in Houston earlier this year.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:37 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Today

Ronnie Polaneczky: Sad sad sad sad HAPPY ENDING! Well, kinda, I guess.

Fatimah Ali: Fast food = more murder. Simple as that.

Monday

Jill Porter: More toilets for women!

Stu Bykofsky: Wait, didn't Stu write he wasn't going to use the word "snitches" anymore?

Chris Brennan: Yeah, nobody in Harrisburg wants you to know how much they're spending.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 27, 2007

Day Off

Yep. Be back tomorrow.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:30 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 24, 2007

Somebody Broke Rule Number One

It's kind of a slow news week -- except for Mark B. Cohen -- so the local news stations are coming up with pretty much whatever they can to report on. And so NBC 10, following in the grand tradition of multi-victim multi-offender sex cases in the 1980s and satanic sacrifices, is attempting to scare you with stories about kids in a fight club.

Fight Club was released in 1999, so the kids are a little behind on the times, it seems. But some anonymous mother says she found computer messages about it, so, you know, everybody panic! Kids fighting each other? Well, that has never happened in the history of the world until now!

Some excerpts:

• Many parents have no idea these secret clubs exist, but one local mother wants the dangerous activity to stop.
• The NBC 10 Investigators said they even uncovered a street fighting video for sale on the Internet.
• This type of fighting was first glorified in Brad Pitt’s “Fight Club” movie years ago.
• "I think that’s the problem with these teen fight clubs," she added. "Parents can't necessarily find out the truth about what's going on."
• Law enforcement said the clubs are tough to find and could be tougher to prosecute when everyone is a willing participant.

Yeah, if only we could arrest these kids and throw 'em in juvie they'd totally be in much better shape.

Kids Bashing Faces In Secret Local Fight Clubs [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:51 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Breaking: President Bush Gets Eye Implants

Or maybe he wanted to look more like Daddy Warbucks -- speaking of references the kiddies will get -- I dunno. Anyway, normally here I'd make some sort of lame "Friday afternoon in August" joke, but this photo makes me giggle so much I would probably run it anytime.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:51 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Ahh, let's check the lead to the Temple News intro-to-college editorial:

As the early 90s Nickelodeon show states, "Welcome Freshmen!"

Ahh, yes. This isn't quite nearly on the same level as the Neil Young/Philadelphia Parking Authority lead from earlier this week, since (1) this is a college paper and (2) at least the show Welcome Freshman is somewhat related to the subject at hand. Somewhat.

Hot Spot [Temple News]
Wednesday: The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

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Ride The Ducks To Expand, Blob-Like

Having made trillions in the tourism/plastic duck bill quacker industry, the people at Ride the Ducks are attempting to branch out, probably because when they say "I own Ride the Ducks" they get punched in the face. And, naturally, the next logical step after "duck boats" is "aquariums," so the Ride th Ducks people are hoping to purchase the Adventure Aquarium.

The aquarium, former the Camden Aquarium or New Jersey State Aquarium or something, appeals to five-year-olds who like the word "adventure." This makes it a logical purchase for RtD's owners (Herschend Family Entertainment Group), because then they'll own something in the area people actually don't hate. (Tourists, as you may remember, love Ride the Ducks because it signed the Declaration of Independence.)

After purchasing the Camden Aquarium, the Ride the Ducks people will be able to send their passengers over to Camden, where the boats will hopefully break down and leave them stranded.

"Ride the Duck" Owners Interested in NJ Aquarium [KYW 1060]
Monday: Tourists Deserve Your Scorn As Much As You Thought

Posted by D-Mac at 11:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: "The shame" is apparently a big problem when your kid does something stupid. Because, you know, that's what's important.

John Baer: Ha ha, people really care so much about shooting doves, symbols of war.

Christine Flowers: What we really need is another Mike Vick column.

Posted by D-Mac at 10:31 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Weapon Of Mass Destruction

If you were ever wondering: Yes, if a person uses a stick to attack someone, the police circle it on the ground like it's a shell casing.

Bounced Bar Patron Returns To Give Beatings [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:50 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Have It Your Way (If 'Your Way' Means 'With A Mouse')

Noted gourmet restaurant chain Burger King recently had a little problem at a location in Montgomery County. It seems a customer at a BK in Abington was sitting there, enjoying his whopper, when suddenly he spotted two mice near his table.

The mice -- we'll call them Mickey and Minnie -- were running around, stealing whoppers, eating French fries, drinking milkshakes, ordering kids' meals. Or they were just skittering around in the dining area. A health inspector stopped by and decided the restaurant should stay open.

An inspector did find mice in the dining area, but:"The inspector did not see mice in the food preparation area."

Health Department spokeswoman Harriet Morton says because no imminent health threat was found, the restaurant was allowed to remain open.

The mice are now gone, so you can now enjoy disgusting fast food without disgusting critters running around your feet. Hooray!

Local Burger King Allowed to Stay Open After Mouse Found [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:05 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 23, 2007

Leftovers: Kill All The Doves, Before It's Too Late

• Next month, Pennsylvanians won't be able to buy guns for a short time because the state will be upgrading the background checks system it uses. It's near the start of dove hunting season, and apparently you can't buy guns in August or need a new gun every year or something. (And who deserves more bullets in 'em than those dastardly doves, symbol of war.) The state could just use the federal government's system, but that would save money. [Metro]

• But wait! Ed Rendell will look into it and strikes back against some idiot who said the background check shutdown was a liberal plot from Philadelphia to... prevent people from buying new guns for a few days? What's actually sad is how many people probably believed him. [Inquirer]

• Oh, man. Britt Reid is in police custody for suspicion of drunk driving, sadly enough. [6 ABC]

• And a registered sex offender allegedly killed the Welsh tourist in Margate. He'll have a fun time in prison. [NBC 10]

• Golden puppy! [Daily Puppy]

Posted by D-Mac at 05:21 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Marcus Hayes Will No Longer Talk To Dorks Like You

Hey! So somebody posting as "Marcus Hayes" posted to the blog entry the other day where I linked the email posted on a Phillies blog.

Let's all enjoy it below.

Numberheads,

Just letting you blogicians know:
No longer will you, or anyone else, be afforded the privilege (burden?) of corresponding with me. When I reply to an individual it is intended to be a confidential response. Since I can't trust you, I assume I can't trust anyone.
It is not meant to be posted on anyone's blog, and certainly not on a for-profit entity of a direct competitor.
So, no more responses. Can't trust you, so don't bother writing.
But then, if you hold my replies in such low esteem, why bother writing?
Of course, this gives many of you more time for your World of Warcraft RPG endeavors.
Happy gaming.
Hope the eczema clears up.
M

Between this and Mark B. Cohen, this is pretty much the greatest week for comments ever. Now can somebody tell me what the hell "World of Warcraft" is?

Tuesday: Marcus Hayes Will Not Tolerate Your Criticism, Nerd

Posted by D-Mac at 04:09 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

Local Flasher Leads Colorful Life (Duh)

Ahh, yes. The flasher. Yesterday, the son of Judge Lisa Richette was arrested for allegedly punching, uh, Judge Lisa Richette. NBC 10's Monique Braxton went to Larry Richette's home in G-Ho and asked him for comment. He responded, of course, by opening up his robe and showing his ding-a-ling.

The Inquirer's Joseph Slobodzian fleshes out the story today, adding crucial details, including that he used to be an editor at City Paper. (Perhaps as part of an alt-weekly battle, I can get Steven Wells to walk around Rittenhouse in a robe, flashing TV reporters.)

Judge Richette isn't cooperating with the police investigation of her only son, according to sources. While her son has had several run-ins with the law, he hasn't been convicted of anything. (Duh.)

In October 2005, he was charged with disorderly conduct and the case was referred to Philadelphia Community Court, the branch of Municipal Court created with the help of the Center City District to dispose of minor "quality-of-life crimes" that ordinarily would not be prosecuted because of the caseload of major cases facing the District Attorney's Office. Court records show that Richette, a writer, former political editor for the Philadelphia City Paper and sometime Democratic activist, failed to appear for his hearing and a bench warrant was issued for his arrest. He does not appear to have been arrested, and the case remains open.

Richette also has a 2001 arrest for driving under the influence, which court records say was withdrawn by the prosecutor's office, and a 1992 arrest for criminal mischief that also was not prosecuted. In 1987, he was charged with swearing at and then pushing a city police officer after he was brought in following an auto accident in Society Hill. He was acquitted by a Municipal Court judge who admonished him to be more respectful of law-enforcement officers.

He's also self-published a bunch of books, which I am going to go purchase right now.

Son charged in attack on judge [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:11 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Mark Cohen Would Like You To Know His Penis Is Not Afraid Of Itself

Here is what's funny: When state lawmakers say things like, "All over the country, people live longer lives because of me." Here is what's funnier: When state lawmakers propose a Phillyblog Day. Here's what's even funnier: When state lawmakers make a post about reaching a certain number of posts on Phillyblog.

Even funnier than that is when state lawmakers go through and make a list of the posters on an Internet messageboard with 1,000 posts or more. And even funnier than that is when there's a sort by posts, descending order feature on said messageboard but the lawmaker doesn't know about it so he goes through and calculates all the top posts by hand.

And, of course, even funnier than that is when state lawmakers tell reporters they're being libeled because of comments on a blog that are posted by "MBC Penis" and say "I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen's penis."

The state lawmaker in question here is none other than Mark B. Cohen, Phillyblog poster and somehow a state lawmaker, who has been an occasional target of myself on this blog for posting Phillyblog threads like, "What Are The Best Phillyblog Posts You Ever Read?

And despite State Rep. Mark B. Cohen's love of discourse on Phillyblog, he only thinks it should extend to people who are making fun of Mark B. Cohen. From today's Metro article:

Cohen — a regular on local messageboard Phillyblog.com — has been a topic of recent posts on Philadelphia Will Do, a blog hosted by local newspaper Philadelphia Weekly. The blog’s editor, Dan McQuade, has written several humorous articles about Cohen’s posts to Phillyblog.com. [a friend of mine says he's going to sue Metro for saying I'm "humorous."—dmac]

Cohen, however, isn’t laughing. He’s posted comments in response to McQuade’s writings on Will Do, claiming to be the victim of malice and libel, legal terms for the willful destruction of an individual’s reputation often accompanied by a lawsuit. Other users of the site have responded to Cohen’s allegations with lewd, political and downright bizarre comments of their own.

“I’m not necessarily saying that I’ll file a lawsuit,” said Cohen, who views his fellow commenters as participating in the malice. “I am saying that I am being libeled.”

I don't know where Christine Flowers is, so I'll have to leave the legal lawyerin' analysis to youse here. Let's check out some of these "libelous" comments.

• MBC Penis: "I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen's penis."
• Chrissmari: "such is the power and girth of Mark Cohen's penis that it actually scares itself."
• Anonymous: "you mean the one he fucks taxpayers with?"
• Anonymous: "I hear it's ribbed with per-diems for taxpayers' pleasure."
• Horace Steenblatter: "hello i am a potato"
• Sentient ATM: "and I'm a sentient ATM."
• Giant Munchkin: "And I'm a giant-size Dunkin' Donuts munchkin!"
• MBC Penis: "and I'm Mark B. Cohen's giant, per-diem studded penis!"
• MBC Penis Sheath: "And I am the gigantic sheath in which Mark B. Cohen's penis lay!"
• taxpayer bunghole: "And I am the bunghole of the taxpayers who have been fucked by Mark B. Cohen's gigantic, per-diem studded penis!"
• Rep. Mark B. Cohen: "The kind of hateful remarks above indicate that D-Mac has gone too far with his incessant bashing of both Phillyblog and myself. No one is forcing D-Mac or anyone else to read Phillyblog or my comments on it. D-Mac and the commenters are climbing the high legal wall of malice and should cease doing so. If phillyblog is as insignificant as D-Mac argues it is, just ignore it."
• Rep. Mark B. Cohen: "Thank you for helping me document the extent of the libel that I have been subject to on this site."

Whoops! Look like those last two don't really fit in. Anyway, as I said in the article, I may not have gone to law school, and I am an idiot, so maybe Mark B. Cohen has a case. (ALB, I'll need your deposition by the end of next week.) Not since the Ultimate Warrior threatened to sue Something Awful will there be such a great legal battle.

Maybe Mark B. Cohen can sue me because, indeed, there is no such thing as a potato who can post a blog comment and, as far as I know, no such thing as a sentient ATM. ("You shouldn't take out that $200. I know you're just going to spend it on drugs, Bobby.") Perhaps I am screwed, I will have to give Mark B. Cohen all my assets -- a Nintendo Wii and half-eaten jar of pickles -- and I will have to find a job more demeaning than journalist, like hooker or politician.

But The Angry Grammarian, aka Jeff, gave me a better idea. What if I'm not libeling Mark B. Cohen? And, if I'm not, being called a libeler by a politician in a newspaper certainly damages my reputation as a journalist and impedes my ability to do my job. I'm going to get the best lawyers in Philadelphia on the case. Somebody get Allen Rothenberg, The Injury Lawyer, on the phone.

Eh, nevermind. It's only Mark B. Cohen.

State lawmaker unhappy about blog comments [Metro]
Archives: Mark B. Cohen

Posted by D-Mac at 01:19 PM | Comments (38) | TrackBack

Everyone At Camden Catholic Wins Masters

Shocking news in Camden New Jersey, as a local Catholic school is making its students adhere to a dress code!

Ahh, yes, what a shocking development. A Catholic school being overly concerned with uniforms or a dress code? No!

Camden Catholic High School's top administrators have implemented a new dress code that bars incoming freshman girls from wearing pants as part of their school uniform and prohibits both sexes in all grades from wearing polo-style shirts.

And for the first time since the 1970s, incoming freshman and successive classes will don a green blazer as part of their school uniform: button-up shirt and tie for boys, button-up blouse and plaid kilt for girls.

I went to a ritzy -- squirrels did come into the school and chew the windows, so I guess it wasn't all that ritzy -- all-boys Catholic high school in the suburbs, and while we didn't have a uniform, we all had to adhere to a slacks/shirt/tie/blazer in the winter dress code. (If you forgot your belt or wore white socks, you'd have to clean up after lunch.)

As such, I am well aware of the Catholic school penchant to worry about unimportant things like whether your top button of your shirt is buttoned. But since I had to wear a blazer in high school, these punk kids nowadays should have to wear one, too. All the better if they have to wear a hideous green jacket, a style usually only found on Masters winners.

The polo shirt ban has become controversial, apparently, because students don't want to have to wear ties all year and, as kids, they like to whine a lot. (Duh. Weren't you a kid at one point? If you're reading this blog, aren't you mentally one now?) Students passed around petitions asking to be able to continue to wear polo shirts, but the administrators ignored them because it's Catholic school.

Camden Catholic tightens dress code [Camden Courier-Post]

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Cute Wittle Doggies Attack Owner

Earlier this week, the good ladies over at Jezebel -- Do men read blogs for women because (1) they're good and (2) girls are cute? Yes, yes they do -- wrote about an alarming number of animals-attack-humans stories in the news.

It was as if the little cutesy balls of fur decided to turn on us because we give them homes and food and pet them and love them, or possibly because we also fight them and race them and make their livers big and slaughter them for food.

Now, the panic has spread to Philadelphia, as a Wissinoming woman was attacked by her own pit bulls, perhaps as retaliation for Michael Vick's actions, the first dogfighting that has ever taken place in the United States. She's in stable condition.

And, yes, this is just an excuse to run another puppy photo. Hey, it's a slow news week. I mean, have you seen Metro? (More on this later.)

Today God's Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass [Jezebel]
Philadelphia Woman Attacked By Her Own Dogs [KYW 1060]

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Coming Soon, Pregnant Sex Videos

It's nice to see the Inquirer has jumped right past regular porn and gone right into old man-and-woman porn in an attempt to drive traffic to the site. Geeze, and you think the Eagles cutting Jeremiah Trotter would have been what really drove people to Philly.com.

Sex in the later years | with video [Inquirer]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykoyfsky: Apparently, Stu has been calling witnesses in criminal cases "snitches" until now.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, how about a skate park in Philadelphia? We can call it LOVE Park.

Michael Smerconish: I voted for Bush twice, and now I think Charlie Manuel should get an extension!

Debbie Woodell: That 700-year-old guy who has no shot at winning the presidency is the guy gays are going to vote for.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:26 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

August 22, 2007

Man Does What We All Want To Do To Local TV News

Common Please Judge Lisa Richette doesn't quite have the best luck. Twenty years ago, she was hit by a purse snatcher. In 2005, she was punched on the street. About a year ago, she was attacked by a woman while sitting in her car.

And now, her son, 48-year-old Lawrence Richette, is charged with aggravated assault and related charges after allegedly punching her.

NBC 10 then went to Lawrence's house:

When NBC 10 went to Lawrence Richette's home Wednesday afternoon, he opened the door in a robe, asked if the cameras were rolling and flashed the reporter and photojournalist for a few seconds. He closed his robe and said, "That's what I think of TV news."

As you can see from the photo, he clearly is the person you fantasize most about seeing naked.

My advice to you is: Head to the NBC 10 slideshow, hit play, put your feet up, and enjoy the frame-by-frame deconstruction of the Great NBC 10 Flashing of 2007.

Phila. Judge Lisa Richette's Son Charged with Assaulting Her; Later, He Flashes Reporter [KYW 1060]
Man Accused Of Beating Judge Mom Flashes NBC 10 [NBC 10]
Man Flashes NBC 10 After Assault Charges (Warning: Disturbing Images) [NBC 10]

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Stephen A. To Blackberry Stories Instead Of Columns

Hilarious aspects about the Inquirer article about the Inquirer stripping Stephen A. Smith of his column.

1. The headline, "Stephen A. Smith due to return to reporting."
2. This sentence: "Online reports say the paper is waiting for Smith, who is on vacation, to accept the shift."
3. The link on the sidebar to Phawker's report last night about the SAS demotion, which is the aforementioned "online report."
4. The link below that one, which reads: Slate: 'How television killed the newspaper sports column.' Take that, Phil Sheridan!
5. Bill Marimow's quote, "Stephen A. Smith is an excellent reporter," which may be true, but is nonetheless hilarious in that the last big reporting I remember him doing was about how the Sixers were going to hire Tubby Smith as coach.
6. This sentence: "Earlier this year, he was even on the TV soap opera General Hospital and in the Chris Rock movie I Think I Love My Wife."

So, yes, Inquirer readers are now free of the one Stephen A. column a month or whatever. The space will be filled by old men bitching about blogs and kids nowadays and flying pigs and an ad for Commerce Bank.

Stephen A. Smith Stripped Of Column [Phawker]
Stephen A. Smith due to return to reporting [Inquirer]

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Chris Freind Has Clearly Never Been To Philadelphia

It's been a while since I've checked in with America's Greatest Columnist, Chris Freind, probably because the last time I did I saw he was writing about all the same stuff I do.

Well, in a column yesterday he's sticking to the quasi-Philadelphia Will Do beat -- namely, making fun of John Street -- only he's attempting to make a serious point instead of attempting to send American, or at least Philadelphian, worker productivity to its lowest levels in years.

From his newest column, it is clear Freind has never stepped foot in Philadelphia, and possibly not New York, either. It appears he has gotten all his news about Philadelphia from the crime report on NBC 10. (It follows the opening story, the weather.) It is also clear Freind likes making statistics up instead of actually finding them: "If you take a poll of Center City business owners, you could probably count on one hand how many favor the new regulations." Yes, you probably could. Maybe. Possibly. Oh, let's just assume it is, why don't we!

(Shrewd readers may note I did a similar thing just earlier this month. Shrewd bloggers will tell you to shut up.)

Freind's column concerns the new parking meter regulations in Center City. Rates doubled, almost all meters have to be paid until 10 p.m. and more convenient ways to pay are apparently baffling to Philadelphians. And, apparently every time I walk home from quizzo, I'm putting my life on the line.

Instead of running the gauntlet of criminals just once at the end of an evening, you will be forced to do it several times or face huge parking fines. Quite frankly, I'm surprised this hasn't become a reality TV show yet. Viewers could vote as to which contestant they think isn't going to make it back to the pub alive. You would have Philadelphians (and tourists) faced with rape, robbery, and, in true Hollywood fashion, the very real possibility of getting blown away -- over a disputed parking space!

This is one of two things: (1) Freind is attempting to use hyperbole to make a point here -- I'm not quite sure what it is, though -- and he's gone a bit over the top. (2) Freind really thinks Philadelphia is like Escape from New York. (He could also be trying to do a Stephen A. Smith impression.)

But here's the most classic line of all: "On any given day, you can be downtown, and it's New York almost." Yeah. Almost.

It's funny. Just the other day I was in New York, and as much as I tried to notice the resemblance between the two cities, the similarity escaped me. New York has Manhattan; we don't. End of story.

Of course, there is one area where we do beat New York: killings. Welcome to Philadelphia.

Of course, this quote -- unsourced from the Inquirer -- is referring to parking space occupancy, not comparing the cities per se, but then again: In a column ostensibly about higher parking rates, Chris Freind managed to work in the city's murder rate.

City Hall's Priorities Are Beyond Warped [The Bulletin]

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The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

"Okay, parking, parking, what would be a good lead for a story about parking... hmm... euphemism for car sex? Nah, not in the Inquirer! Wait, a music reference! Yes, that's it. Well, let's see, the story's about the Philadelphia Parking Authority's new overnight ticketing of people in front of hyrdrants, in fire zones, et cetera.

"The Cars? 'More parking enforcement is just what the city needed!' Nah, that's too on-point. How about Gary Numan? 'Here in my car, I can get ticketed for parking, in front of a fire hydrant, even at four a.m. ... in cars!' No, no, that's too long. Paradise by the dashboard light featuring Phil Rizzuto?

"Wait, I got it!"

Rust never sleeps.

Neither does the Philadelphia Parking Authority, which since October has run a third shift between 10:30 p.m. and 6:30 a.m. to crack down on the most potentially dangerous violations of the city's parking laws.

Over at 14th Windiest State, RJ came up with a mini-contest: Come up with your best alterna-lead for the story, using other Neil Young song titles. Buffalo Springfield and CSNY count, too, which is nice, because then I can use "Stop, hey! What's that sound? Your car is headed to the impound!"

Ticketing on four-way street [14th Windiest State]
Overnight parking crackdown grows [Inquirer]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:53 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack