July 31, 2007

Hey, Look! More Links!

Phillies update to come later, maybe after the game tonight. (Late night posting!) For now, here are more links.

• Bank Robbers today risk a lot but don't really get all that much cash. Also, they wear hats. [AP/Philly.com]

• Two U.S. congressmen from Western Pa. don't think Philadelphia pays taxes, or something, and as such doesn't deserve any money from the state for public transit. Also, they want to stop a program that would build roads in Northwestern Pa. Hooray for politics. [Inquirer]

• Hannibal Lecter was tried in Bucks County: "[Dennis] Strong, who is incarcerated, had to wear the 'spit mask' because there was fear he would spit and be unruly in court, a law enforcement official said. The mask consisted of see-through black mesh netting that was placed over his head and a cotton piece around his mouth." [Bucks County Courier TImes]

• NBC 10 has another story about strippers on golf courses, which is the station's second in just a few months. It's the story that never dies! [NBC 10]

• And, ooh, the city's suing septa over getting rid of transfers! [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 05:24 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Damning Fred Thompson With Faint Praise

Hey! Kinda sorta presidential candidate Fred Thompson (R-Law & Order) was in town last Friday, speaking to a bunch of people about how he's going to run for president eventually.

His speech also apparently sucked. "It wasn't a rousing speech, but it takes courage to do something more thoughtful and philosophical in this sound-bite culture," said some chief of staff, which is a way of saying, "Well, his speech was awful, but I didn't want to bash him in the newspaper in case he's the Republican nominee next year."

Thompson didn't say anything mean about President Bush but bashed everything he's done. Also, an actual declared Republican nominee for president (albeit one with no shot), Mike Huckabee, made a Mike Vick/dogfighting joke.

Thompson's talk warms an audience [Inquirer]

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BREAKING: PHILLIES ACQUIRE CRUCIAL BULLPEN ARM

Per AP:

The contract of right-handed pitcher Gary Knotts was sold by the Newark Bears to the Philadelphia Phillies on Tuesday.

Knotts pitched 108.2 innings, striking out 86 batters and posting a 7-5 record with a 2.65 earned run average in 16 starts. He was ranked first in the Atlantic League in ERA, second in strikeouts and complete games with two, and third in innings pitched. During his 10-year professional career, Knotts has appeared in 86 games at the Major League level, striking out 162 batters in 267.1 innings.

Bears sell Knotts to Phillies, make two other moves [AP/Daily News]

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Eagles Bring Toilet Paper, Hyperbaric Chambers To Camp

The veterans on the Eagles moved up to Bethlehem yesterday for the opening of training camp at Lehigh, at that weird other Lehigh sports campus that is like ridiculously far away from the main campus.

And Brian Westbrook and Brian Dawkins brought their hyperbaric chambers. They brought their hyperbaric chambers. Apparently, a hyperbaric chamber -- what, I just like saying it, okay? -- helps the players recover quicker. "The recovery time is ridiculous," Dawkins said.

This story is great, because the Inquirer's Bob Brookover's lead is the standard "things have changed at training camp" one. But instead of being the usual "players used to be poor, now they're rich!" storyline, it's about how players used to bring all this luxury shit and now they bring their hyperbaric chambers to be at the top of their game!

Also, new linebacker Takeo Spikes feels the same way I do about toilet paper:

"Toilet tissue - preferably Charmin," Spikes said. "You have to have at least 300 or better thread counts. That's very big to me because if you don't have that, I don't know if I can go out and perform up to my level."

Spikes speaks the truth, though I prefer Cottonelle.

Birds unpack for season of promise [Inquirer]

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Americans Too Lazy To Even Take Magic Health Pills

I am pretty much cynical about everything, but I must admit I'm impressed by modern medicine. "Wait, so you mean I can take these little pills and my health will improve?" Ding, ding, ding. Easy answers, this is what I like to see.

I am, however, about as organized as a college student, i.e. I don't even know what day it is. And sometimes I do forget to take my little magic pills that stop me from coughing or sneezing or crying all day or having ridiculous acne. (That last one is the best one.) But I'm usually pretty good and rarely miss a day, because these are magic pills that improve your life. Apparently, though, most people are even worse than I am.

A radio report on KYW 1060 says people don't take prescriptions like they should. A study says this somehow costs the economy $177 billion in bills and lost productivity. (Right, but remember: That dude comes out with a study saying the NCAA Tournament costs the economy like 20 trillion dollars every year.)

Anyway, not even helping us get healthy with little magic pills is easy enough for Americans.

There's many issues. In fact, there are a number of layers of things that are problematic. First of all, it's not always easy to read the prescription directions. Many times they're confusing. When you get your prescription from the pharmacy, they're could be all sorts of paperwork or things stapled or glued to the prescriptions.

In addition to that, many people don't believe they have to take their medications. For instance, people with high blood pressure don't take their medications as much as 51 percent of the time, despite the fact that high blood pressure could triple the risk of heart disease down the road.

So if we're smart enough to figure out how to get our medicine out of the packaging -- there are things stapled to it! -- there's a chance we might believe we should take this medicine. Keep in mind, we also spend billions of dollars on dietary supplements, but still don't take enough calcium or whatever.

Poor Medication Adherence Could Be Costing US Billions [KYW 1060]

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Slow News Day Quick Links

Okay, it's been slow for a bit now, but it's really, really slow this week. When the top story on the news is a cheesesteak joint suing a market... well, you get the idea. As such:

• A woman stole a police car, dropped off the kid she was with, then crashed the Chevy Impala cruiser. She apparently drove around for about an hour, though, so that's fairly impressive. [6 ABC]

• Big news in Cherry Hill! The school wants to buy alcohol sensors and will not ban The Joy Luck Club from the reading list. There's sex in the book, and we all know how Cherry Hill feels about "smut." [The Courier-Post]

• Another blow to suburban white kids. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• And, uh, the biggest story of the day: "The Courier-Post is recruiting plugged-in members of the community to come to our Cherry Hill office and learn about our new online calendar."

Posted by D-Mac at 11:35 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Email Of The Day

Subject line of an official email from the 76ers:

You have to admit, their optimism is... I dunno, something. Charming, maybe? But also hilarious.

Reserve Your 2008 Sixers Playoff Tickets Today [Comcast/Sixers]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:36 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Mayor Finally Introduced To His Police Commissioner

It may have taken a triple homicide at a bar -- and a bunch of shootings over the weekend -- but Mayor John Street met with Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson for a brainstorming session! This marks the first time the mayor has met Johnson, and the two were said to get along pretty well.

And, apparently their solution is to ban alcohol or something.

A couple of recent shooting incidents drew special attention during the meeting with Mayor John Street: "I am really concerned about bars and the proliferation of shootings and violence that are taking place in bars. We had another triple shooting in a bar over the weekend. We had a triple homicide in a bar the weekend before that."

Hey, the mayor's doing something, everybody! Gather around, this is about as common as a full solar eclipse or the installation of a new pope.

Mayor Meets With Phila. Police Brass To Address City Crisis [KYW 1060]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Blah blah blah new SEPTA fare plan illegal cruel worse than Hitler.

Stu Bykofsky: RIP, Tom Snyder.

Elmer Smith: Digital Divide!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 30, 2007

Links: Stating The Obvious And Such

Whee! Links list, since I can't seem to get long posts out of any of these.

• Group of people likes piece of media geared at them; film at 11. [Inquirer]

• A bunch of years ago Pope Paul 6 was told Catholics they can't use condoms in order to prevent a lessening of morals; now that morals are "lessened" -- whatever that means -- this somehow means the pope was right even though he banned condoms, even for married couples where one partner has AIDS. (Sorry, dying people!) Truly, Pope Paul was a genius in one respect: He wrote an encyclical that made it impossible for him to be wrong. [The Bulletin]

• PATCO is thinking of re-opening the creepy Franklin Square station due to a carousel and a mini-golf course. They're going to need to call in the Ghostbusters to rid the station of Slimer and Co. [AP/CBS 3]

• Ed Rendell told the media nobody warned him Congress was attempting to gut SEPTA's funding -- public transit doesn't really have lobbyists like car and oil companies -- even though Bob Brady called him 16 times about it. Let's settle this with a boxing match at the Blue Horizon, please. [Daily News]

• Some idiot on TV said Michael Vick's dogfighting charges are worse than Kobe's rape charges and motherfucking Nancy Grace (another noted idiot) had to correct him. Somehow what the dude said was offensive, but a U.S. senator calling for Vick's execution is a-okay. I understand how these things work. [CBS News Public Eye]

• And a 16-year-old was allegedly killed for his new dirtbike. [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:06 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Thank God For PR People

Heinz spokeswoman Tracey Parsons, on the 1500-pound ketchup packet Collinsville, Ill., is building as a fundraiser.

"That's a lot of ketchup."

The ketchup packet will soon journey to Heinz HQ in Pittsburgh, where it will be elected mayor.

A ketchup packet that won't fit in your pocket [AP/CNN.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:00 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Old Phillies Fans Somehow Still Alive

Today's Courier TImes has a profile of two local Phillies fans with a combined 182 years of experience between them; Naomi Beaty, 104, and Lillian Halberstein, 78, share a combined Phillies passion at their nursing home in Langhorne.

One might wonder: How could someone possibly be alive after being a Phillies fan for most of the Phillies' history? Hell, Beaty could have been a fan for about 8,000 of the franchise's losses; how is she even alive?

Still, Beaty has only been a Phillies fan for the last two or three years. “You just see a game [on TV] and have nothing else to do with the time and you get attached,” she said.

Ahh, that makes sense. Turning to the Phillies only out of boredom should get you to 104 with very few heart attacks or manic episodes. I'm still looking for an explanation of how Harry Kalas' head hasn't exploded, though.

Ageless Phanatics [Bucks County Courier Times]

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Local University Loses All Credibility

On Saturday, the Inquirer ran an article about Drexel's new Second Life campus. Drexel's new Second Life campus! I brushed it off, figuring either the citizens of the tech or Philadelphia blogosphere (shoot me) would have made fun of it immediately and so I didn't have any obligation to post over the weekend making fun of it.

Then what do I see when I wake up this morning and search? Nothing! Somebody saying he was jealous of the move! Somebody else calling it interesting! And a blog post titled "Depression on Drexel Island" -- oh, yeah, the campus is called "Drexel Island" -- is actually about students learning about depression in a virtual classroom! Intentionally!

Need I mention this is about how Drexel opened a campus in fucking Second Life, home of the flying penis?

So where was I? Oh, right, Drexel's Second Life campus. It gets 100 visitors daily. For all the media attention Second Life gets, it's worth noting the most popular MMORPG is World of Warcraft, because you can kill people in it. (This is how video games should be. The highlight of Second Life is something like "opening a store," something I can do in real life. If you want a game to be good, I better be able to vaporize unicorns, be a a plumber who stomps on turtles, fight giant robots with other giant robots and lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl win. You know, things that are impossible in real life.)

According to this chart, Second Life isn't even in the top 12 MMORPGS. If Drexel really wanted to attract visitors, they'd set up a campus that sells Orc heads (or whatever) in Warcraft.

Drexel, though, isn't the only one with Second Life real estate, though the school is the only one with a dragon-shaped island.

Although they do not use the program as extensively as does Drexel, Temple University, the University of the Arts, Thomas Jefferson University, and Pennsylvania State University have recently become Second Life sites. Susan Toth-Cohen, associate professor of occupational therapy at Jefferson, just began a year-long trial lease of two properties in Second Life to test its possible uses for the school.

Second Life would be helpful to online degree candidates, she said, because 75 percent of people who start such programs do not finish, often because of the lack of interpersonal interaction.

"Hello, I'll be the chief surgeon for you today. I graduated from med school in Second Life, and so I am an expert in sexualized anthropomorphic foxes. And giant flying penises."

Adventurous avatars [Inquirer]

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'Mall Rats' Infiltrate Delaware Mall

I don't think I've ever been to the Christiana Mall, but I'm glad I grew up ratting around classy malls like Franklin Mills and Neshaminy, because the mall in Delaware is apparently out of control.

Action News reports there was a fight of over 1,000 people at the Christiana Mall on some recent day (today? yesterday? the story doesn't tell!). Although there was a giant food court brawl, the real story is the awesome way 6 ABC's Lauren Wilson tells it:

People tell Action News it had all the makings of an Animal House movie. There were several brawls and a major food fight all involving up to 1,000 teenagers, but what happened here at the Christiana Mall was very real.

Two Delaware State Troopers assigned to the mall immediately called for back-up, but merchants and shoppers didn't wait for help to come. L'Tonya Taylor says the Christiana Mall has turned into a weekend hangout for lots of area kids.

Often called mall rats¹, Bushweller acknowledges roaming, unsupervised juveniles, some as young as ten have become a concern here at the Christiana Mall. Christiana Mall officials refused to comment or even allow Action News on their property Monday morning.

Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds pretty awesome. A food fight with 1,000 people? 1,000 people who don't wait for help to come? Next Friday I'm headed to Delaware with a video camera, a bag of tomatoes and a plan to say, "Girl, you hear what that slut across the room said about you?"

¹ Once again, the media bows to the PC Nazis in order to avoid criticism. Don't call them mall rats. Call 'em what they are: Terrorists.

Investigation into Massive Brawl at Mall [6 ABC]

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NBA Pointshaving Biggest Catholic Scandal Ever

Although I've just been making fun of his Villanova background in my coverage of alleged corrupt NBA ref Tim Donaghy (right, during his career missing the foreign object in "Macho Man" Randy Savage's tights), the shame he's inflicting on institutions goes far beyond the Main Line. Or, rather, it also goes to Cardinal O'Hara, who the Inquirer says has been "hit hard" by the referee scandal.

Donaghy isn't just a mid-1980s O'Hara grad, he also met (alleged, I guess) Phoenixville bookie James "Baa Baa" Battista in high school, who federal investigators also contacted in regards to the NBA scandal. Tim and Baa Baa are apparently bringing down the name of their alma mater:

Some O'Hara graduates, not surprisingly, are unhappy with the negative publicity the story has brought to the 44-year-old Catholic high school, which also produced three other NBA referees. "I think it does a disservice to my alma mater to allow the alleged misdeeds of one person [to] blacken the reputation of a school which has nothing to do with this scandal," said Rosemary Connors, an O'Hara graduate from Broomall.

Oh, see, here I thought Donaghy was accused of fixing O'Hara games in exchange for molesting tips from Philadelphia Archdiocese priests. Whoops, my fault!

O'Hara hit hard by NBA referee scandal [Inquirer]

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Brady To Make SEPTA Financially Solvent With Brute Force

Although SEPTA got dedicated funding from the state in Rendell's new budget, it's not like SEPTA cars are going to be used as vaults for gold doubloons anytime soon. (Now that would make a fun ride.)

In a quest for one day being able to provide that Scrooge McDuck-esque trip, SEPTA recently accepted advertising from (gasp!) liquor companies, including a pair of buses with Colt 45 wraps. This angered the Rev. Jesse Brown, who battles corner beer stores. He also feels the unfulfilled promises of Colt 45 advertisements -- trust me, it does not get 'em every time -- cut into the unfulfilled promises the church provides. (Bada-bing!)

Anyway, the politicians are in on it, too: City Councilman Jim Kenney is pretty angry about it, as is U.S. Congressman Bob Brady, who says he'll get those wraps off the buses if he has to go door-to-door himself and sell new ads:

So Brady has fired off a letter to the SEPTA board, offering to find a better advertiser if they unwrap the buses: “Unwrap the two buses, and I will help find other advertisers. I’m sure there are other people out there who would love to advertise on a bus.”

I look forward to the replacement of the Colt 45 ads with ones for heroin detoxification, expedited citizenship, Allen Rothenberg: The Injury Lawyer and, of course, VIGILANTE LAWYER, who apparently defends you outside of the law.

Liquor Ads on SEPTA Buses Anger Local Leaders [KYW 1060]
Congressman Bob Brady Lashes Out At SEPTA Bus Liquor Ads [KYW 1060]
Archives: SEPTA

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Debbie Woodell: "If Barney Frank left Congress tomorrow, gay men and lesbians would have exactly one person representing them on Capitol Hill." This is kind of a long way to say that there are two gay congressmen.

John Baer: The GOP is attempting to get money from Chelsea Clinton's future mother-in-law.

Chris Brennan: Dance metaphors!

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, I found somebody more irrelevant than me to bash! Also, here are some Michelle Malkin talking points.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Finally, That Damn Game Isn't Here This Year

Philadelphia might do well, tourism-wise, with the gays, but apparently it doesn't have much of an international identity. People are just as likely to think of the city with "little strength" from the Bible or something.

But that will all soon change, because -- huzzah! -- someone has formed a plan! It's titled "Philadelphia at 30,000 feet" -- it's kinda blue and white -- and by looking at the city from a spot where you can't see it, you learn a lot.

There was even a brainstorming session!

Convention and Visitors Bureau Vice President Jack Ferguson says a recent brainstorming session turned up several strategies to expand Philadelphia's share of the hospitality biz. Expanding the Convention Center is a priority, as well as presenting a top-of-the-line convention experience. Other parts of the plan would develop Philadelphia's brand awareness versus cities such as Boston, and promote signature events such as the Army-Navy Game to build local pride.

The Army-Navy Game that is in Baltimore this year. Whoooo! Get psyched about your city, Philadelphia!

Philadelphia Considers New Hospitality Plan [KYW 1060]
July 16: Apparently, There Is This Thing Called The 'Gayborhood'
[Photo via plasticbystander, licensed via Creative Commons]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 27, 2007

Forwarded Message Of The Day

Hey, are you a good enough actor to play a nude corpse? The Wire needs you!

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: [redacted]
Date: Jul 27, 2007 11:20 AM
Subject: [theatrealliance] HBO "THE WIRE" NEEDS NON UNION NUDE CORPSES
To: [redacted]

HBO THE WIRE NEEDS ASAP
FOR SAT. 7/28/07 NON UNION NUDE CORPSES

1 FEMALE 2 MALE- AGE 18-70
$125.00 FOR THE SHOT
PLEASE REPLY WITH A NON NUDE PHOTO, ALL CONTACT NUMBERS. MUST BE
AVAILABLE ALL DAY SAT 7/28/07
AND NO PROBLEM WITH PLAYING A NUDE CORPSE.

SHAMOSFISHER [at] GMAIL.COM
OR CALL 410-558-xxxx

IF YOU HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE WIRE..PLEASE DO NOT REPLY-NEW FACES PLEASE

Hurry up and apply! And, remember, non-union; you're SOL, Bob Brady.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:14 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

SEPTA Heroically Eliminates Transfers To Save Itself

As part of its new commitment to customer satisfaction, SEPTA is getting rid of transfers in a few days. Yesterday, a bunch of people complained in vain to SEPTA management about having to pay an extra buck or so to ride on a subway and a bus.

SEPTA, of course, had its reasoning:

SEPTA Board Chairman Pat Deon says the elimination of the transfers was a condition imposed by the state to get new funding: “Harrisburg gave us a pretty clear mandate — streamline your fare collection, and we’re going to give you the money.”

Boy, I can't think of any way to streamline fare collection besides eliminating transfers. Thanks for getting that funding in the only way possible, SEPTA.

SEPTA's Plan to Eliminate Transfers Angers Riders [KYW 1060]

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'Anonymous Branded Him As A LULZ Killer'

Okay, Fox 29, you would need to hire three or four more Kerri-Lee Halketts to top this report from Fox 11 in Los Angeles.

Thanks, media, for reminding me why I hate everyone, not just the Internet. Actually, those Anonymous guys sound pretty cool.

Update: Perhaps these guys are the hackers who shut down those crime cameras.

Anonymous on FOX11 [YouTube]

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Pretty Much Nobody Can Operate Anything Nowadays

A summary of recent accidents follows below. All of these stories are from Action News' website.

• On Route 1 in Bucks County, a cabinet fell off a pickup truck and caused a six-vehicle crash.

Well, okay, that was kind of a random accident, though. At least our trained drivers are a little more careful.

• On Roosevelt Boulevard in the Northeast, an ambulance crashed after another vehicle hit it, causing it to roll over.

Well, okay, but that was a private ambulance and it was hit first. I'm sure our professional drivers -- say, pilots -- know what they're doing.

• The Pinelands fire earlier this year was caused by a National Guard pilot who dropped a flare to close to the ground on a bone-dry day, though a senator from N.J. called it more of a "systematic failure." [AP]

Okay, okay. So the National Guard messed up and caused a fire that destroyed 17,000 acres. But, you know, mistakes are mistakes. Our highest trained pilots surely are top-of-the-line.

• A bunch of astronauts flew drunk. [AP]

Forget it. Nobody should be allowed to operate anything more dangerous than a Barbie® Power Wheels car anymore. Even then, somehow some guy named Ken would probably be killed.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Today In Hilarious Coincidences

Yesterday, The Bulletin, "A Stock Market Vote Of Confidence For Bush," by Lawrence Kudlow.

While the Democrats stand against nearly all of the president's wartime policies - and in the process court defeat - the stock market is standing with Bush and the chance for victory.

Yesterday evening:

The Dow Jones industrial average fell almost 450 points — its biggest drop of the year — before closing down 311 points Thursday on a late rally as investors fled equities for bonds.

Good timing, Lawrence.

A Stock Market Vote Of Confidence For Bush [The Bulletin]
Dow plunges nearly 450 points before rallying [KC Star]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:04 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

New Competition For 'Metro'?

A few days ago, this ad for an account executive at a "new daily newspaper" in Philadelphia popped up on Mediabistro.

Hmm? After a bit of digging and finding a source on the street¹, it appears that someone is opening up a new free daily newspaper in Philadelphia. (I'm attempting to confirm who's starting this paper, but it's almost Friday afternoon, so, yeah.)

Now, one might be asking many questions: Does Philadelphia need any more newspapers? Will this hurt the Daily News in any way? Will this provide additional fodder for Philadelphia Will Do? (Uhh, yes.)

But let me share with you my favorite part of this, that I came across while searching for info: The domains amphilly.com and amphiladelphia.com are both actually owned by Metro Philadelphia, which registered them in January 2006. Now that's some good foresight. (A competitor of Metro New York is AM New York.)

So who knows; but there is a "new daily newspaper" headed this way soon. Hey: the more, the merrier. Especially if this new paper sucks, because that'd just make my job easier.

¹ Anytime I even come close to writing about some actual news on this website, I attempt to undercut myself sufficiently enough so nobody gets it in their head they should take myself seriously. And, so, as such, yes: One of my sources was a guy I ran into on the street yesterday. Take that how you wish, though it's much funnier if you assume it's a homeless guy or something.

Account Executive, New Daily Newspaper [Mediabistro]

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Catholic Church Has Just As Bad Taste In Bars As Those Kids You Went To High School With

Last night, Cardinal Justin Rigali, the head of the Catholic Church here in Philadelphia, held a theology discussion at Finnegan's Wake. Coincidentally, Finnegan's Wake is pretty much my idea of hell.

The Cardinal has been holding these Thursday discussions at the bar during the summer and will be holding them until August 16. It's apparently not a mass, so if you got excited about the idea of drinking some transubstantiated Coors Light, you're out of luck.

Part of Rigali's talk:

"If we've been forgiven by God and realize it, then you know what? It's a whole new way of life. It's a whole different attitude to other people. We are compassionate, we are merciful, we are forgiving."

Actually, considering the amount of jerks at Finnegan's Wake and similar bars, maybe this was a good place to go to teach forgiveness.

Local Bar Features Theology Lesson with Cardinal Rigali [KYW 1060]

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Phillies Season Somehow Ended By Washington (Again)

Yesterday, some douchebag making his first major league start for the Washington Nationals hit Chase Utley with a pitch in the fifth inning. The fastball hit Utley right in the hand, and he went to first looking pissed. And by now you know the rest: Utley will be out for about a month with a broken right hand.

Be sure to comfort your female coworkers today in the office. With Utley out and Burrell no longer a fan favorite, there's really no longer too many people to root for. Maybe Cole Hamels, but his hair is approaching mullet status. Aaron Rownad, I guess. Meanwhile, baseball nerds like me can commiserate, but for different reasons.

Utley, who was on pace to break the major league record for doubles in a season, was third in the league in RBI (Howard's first, but he has the advantage of Chase Utley getting to second 41 times already this year) and considered a strong National League MVP candidate. But now he's out for three weeks to a month, and Abraham Fucking Nunez will take his place at second. You may remember Nunez from last season, when he spent a good portion of the year hitting .150.

While the Eagles lost their best player in 2003 and rallied to win the division, well, I know the Eagles, and you, Phillies, are no Eagles. Fortunately, the Phillies did their job for yet another year: Eagles training camp begins today! Phew. We got through another offseason -- and when the Flyers and Sixers were the only teams playing, I wasn't sure if we were going to make it.

Utter dismay [Daily News]
Let's see what we've got here [Daily News]
July 20, 2006: Root, Root, Root For The Home Team (To Fail)

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Today, I'm not reading these Daily News columns because...

Jill Porter: Extended metaphor column!

Elmer Smith: Being fat column!

Christine Flowers: Christine Flowers column!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 26, 2007

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

And that will do it. Good season, 2007 Phillies!

Breaking news: Chase Utley out with broken hand [Beerleaguer]

Posted by D-Mac at 06:17 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Saddest News All Week

Rest in peace, Weekly World News. Single tear.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

N.J. Assemblyman Plans Pointless Crusade

And you thought City Council knew how to waste time. Over in Jersey, a state legislator plans to introduce a bill dropping the front license plate from Jersey cars, freeing up the front spot for airbrushed "TOM + JESSICA" and "NRA4EVER" non-official plates.

"The front plate is really superfluous," said Assemblyman John Wisniewski, Transportation Committee chairman. "To use an analogy, it's like the appendix in humans."

To use an analogy, shut up, you fuck. Oh, sorry, that's not really an analogy. However, his analogy -- cleverly introduced with the phrase "to use an analogy" -- does make a lot of sense, because sometimes front license plates explode.

Of course, something can't be changed without opposition, and the Associated Press article quotes the president of the New Jersey Police Traffic Officers Association and his staunch opposition to the proposal.

For example, [William] Cicchetti said, an officer could identify a bank-robbery suspect who is approaching. Without a front plate, he said, the officer would have to reverse direction and check the back plate. The front plate also helps at vehicle checkpoints, he said, allowing officers to quickly check the tag and inspection sticker.

"I'm totally against it," he said of Wisniewski's proposal. "It's a safety issue."

Yes, because they really do a bang up job catching bank robbers right now. ("We'll let you off for 16, but 17 -- oh, no, you're going to jail!")

"If we eliminate the front plate, that would be the perfect place for individuals to display whatever their cause may be," said Wisniewski, whose plans were reported yesterday in the Daily Record of Parsippany, N.J. The state has 17 specialty plates dedicated to causes that include organ donation, agriculture, Liberty State Park, the Pinelands, and cancer research. Alumni from eight colleges can also get plates.

I really can't see how this would stop people from pushing for those ubiquitous specialty plates. Do you know how much people love Seton Hall and cancer research?

Should N.J. drop front license tag? [Inquirer]
Monday: Founding Father Robs Alexander Hamilton's Bank
Thanks, RJ

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More Fun: Kid Throws Ax At Cop

It's not just Penn kids who are being attacked by gangs of pre-teens. No, out in Plymouth Township -- is that the one with the Ikea? -- the perpetrators are 8-year-olds and the victims is a police officer. Oh, and the cop was attacked with an ax. Apparently, if we got all the guns off the streets, people would just settle differences with medieval weapons, such as axes, maces, morning stars and possibly catapults.

The 8-year-old who allegedly attacked the cop with an ax ran away with two friends from a school for children from "troubled families." The kids then stole an ax from the back porch of a home, and somehow got into an altercation with a cop. The cop told the boy to put down the ax, police said, but instead the kid threw the ax at the cop, missing him but hitting the police car. (That car was one day from retirement!)

The Plymouth Township deputy police chief said this: "And even afterwards, they had attitude. They were bad. They got inside a police car. They were spitting at cops." Ha. Now that we're not even safe from eight-year-olds, I think I'll just stay inside from now on. Oh, wait, that's the same as usual.

Police: 8-Year-Old Attacks Officer With Ax [NBC 10]
July 17: Gangs Of Preteens Stealing Money For Pogs

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Finally, A Job For Philadelphia Will Do Readers

Geeze, and I thought you just put a statue of Mary in your window. (Also a virgin! I never knew the source of that superstition until just now. Duh.) Follow me after the jump for some of the most awesome/pathetic sex jokes this blog has ever seen -- and that's saying a lot.

According to an imported superstition, good weather can be assured through a ceremony involving a virgin, some knives and fresh, whole onions and peppers. And, no, Victoria Brumfield won't be sacrificed.

Festival organizer Howard Freeman said a colleague heard about it in Singapore several years ago. For the past two years, it has worked in Readington. Partly because of the superstition, Freeman no longer buys weather insurance for the event, which is expected to draw 175,000 people.

Wait, so if I go, uh, short weather insurance for the event (if that's possible) and then go sleep with Victoria Brumfield, I could make a ton of money? Sweet. Also, it's worked twice so they stopped buying weather insurance. Good idea!

Brumfield, 28, has worked with Freeman in the past and is a devout Mormon, proud of her adherence to the church's rules, including not drinking, smoking, gambling or cursing -- and no sex before marriage.

Did you know: The nation's first marijuana ban was made by the Mormon leaders after a bunch of Mormons brought weed back from Mexico. The question: Are you allowed to vaporize weed?

She became the festival's official virgin last year after her younger sister, who had that role in 2005, moved to California.

And got plowed by some dude.

Here's how she does it: She drives a golf cart to the four corners of the festival site, picks up some grass, mumbles some random words, then penetrates the produce with a knife before jamming it and the knives into the ground.

This is so sexual I think afterward she's not a virgin anymore. Also, I am sure this ancient ritual has always involved golf carts.

It has not worked everywhere. Freeman says he used a different virgin for a festival he put on last year in Massachusetts. The driving rain broke, but strong winds kept the balloons on the ground.

Freeman said it seemed that that virgin had a loose definition of "virginity."

That means she got fucked in the ass.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Festival's secret for good weather? Virgin [AP/Camden Courier-Post]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Only jokes that I like are funny! Lindsay Lohan is a terrorist! Hey, Ronnie: The Broad Street Review called, they want their shtick back.

John Baer: Ha ha ha, SEPTA might be screwed anyway.

Michael Smerconish: You know who's fault it is for not catching Osama? The presidential candidates, the media and the people who submitted questions on YouTube!

Stu Bykofsky: Stu continues his campaign against the pigeon drop scammer who targets local idiots! Oh, oh, she's a "waste of DNA"! Hey, Stu, the Broad Street Review called, they want their shtick back.

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Snitches Help Capture Evil Emus

Philadelphia may have a bit of a gun violence problem, but there is one good thing: Our emus are confined to the Philadelphia Zoo. Whereas in South Jersey, emus on the loose recently terrorized everyone.

Actually, according to the report's lead, the emus are still frightening people.

Citizens in Millville, N.J., are looking over their shoulders a lot lately after a group of emus were spotted running around town and assaulting people.

NBC 10 reports the emus are being raised on farms more and more due to emu oil, which is some sort of new snake oil that's supposed to ease joint pain. Oh, and some people eat them. The emus got loose the other day in Cumberland County; at the time of the NBC 10 report, only one was captured and four more were on the loose.

On the plus side, some punk kids got what's coming to them.

The emus were spotted running around residential areas like Delseas Gardens Apartments, where children chased them until the birds turned around and reversed the game. "It was big, it was hairy and it was fat," one girl said.

If you're looking for a way to stop the emus, take the advice of Melvin Watson: "Man, I looked in the alley and this bird started chasing me. I'm not going to lie, I threw a bike at the bird. The bird was bigger than me." They're susceptible to bike tosses.

Emus On Loose Scare People In South Jersey [NBC 10]

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President In Town To Get Everyone Fired

KYW 1060 is currently aiding the terrorists by reporting that President Bush's motorcade is traveling down I-95, disrupting traffic all over and making everyone late for work. But, yes, the prez is in town today to talk to conservative state legislators from around the country.

He'll be talking with the American Legislative Exchange Council, which is apparently a fiscal conservative with Democrats as a third of its members. The prez will be at the Marriott at 12th and Market, and fortunately the protesters apparently won't be confined to "free speech zones" miles away or something:

At a news conference yesterday, leaders of several groups that oppose the war in Iraq said they planned to set up shop directly across the street from the Marriott and haven't heard whether the Secret Service will direct them to a more distant locale.

"Two blocks away is no way. One block away is no way," said Bob Smith, staff coordinator of the Brandywine Peace Community.

"We will have our protest right there. That's where we want to be," he said. "That's where we need to be."

Uh-huh. Just wait 'til the president uses that new executive order to seize all the assets of the Brandywine Peace Community for aiding the terrorists. Ain't democracy grand?

Update, 9:18 a.m.: Actually, I think I went on a Match date with this girl whose parents ran some suburban peace group, and then she never called me back. Could you seize their assets, Mr. President? This is why I would make a terrible leader. (Well, one of the reasons.) I'd constantly be signing executive orders to punish ex-girlfriends, get myself free puppies, give the Philadelphia sports teams all the best players, etc. Congress would be passing joint resolutions daily telling me to put some pants on. Actually, I'd be the most interesting president in a while -- or I'd at least be better than Bush.

Pres. Bush Addresses Conservative Legislative Group in Philadelphia [KYW 1060]
War protesters vow to be seen, heard [Inquirer]

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July 25, 2007

Flyers Gain New Hilariously-Named Affiliate

In news that is funny if you are eight years old -- or have the maturity of an eight-year-old, like myself -- the Philadelphia Flyers have partnered with a new affiliate in the East Coast Hockey League, the Wheeling Nailers.

The Nailers play in the East Coast Hockey League, and the Flyers will be able to send two goalies and up to three additional players for seasoning with the squad. The Flyers previous affiliate in the ECHL was the Trenton Titans -- now the Trenton Devils -- who are not quite as funny.

And, of course, the Wheeling Nailers have a history on the sliver screen as well:

While they were still the Wheeling Thunderbirds, members of the team in 1994-95 also participated in the filming of the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie "Sudden Death". Because of the NHL lockout, the scene where Van Damme's character attempts to stop a bomber from bombing Mellon Arena during Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals was filmed with players from the Chiefs and Thunderbirds.

It's hard to tell what's the funnier part of the name, but I think it might be the part that says there's actually a hockey team in Wheeling, West Virginia. On the other hand, what kind of city names its team after its famous nail industry? (Or, if you will, prostitution industry.) That'd be like a city naming its football team after the the steel indus--oh, sorry, Pittsburgh.

Wheeling Nailers to be Flyers' minor league team [Philadelphia Business Journal]

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Ladies And Gentlemen, Your 2007 Philadelphia Phillies Fans

Apparently this is the "Owens" family celebrating Aaron Rowand's game-winning homer in the eighth inning last night. Truly, we are the best fans in sports.

The Owens kids at the Phillies game (7/24/07) [YouTube]
Rowand's homer lifts Phils to win [Inquirer]
Thanks, RJ

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Checking In On The Culture Scene Echo Chamber

The Broad Street Review, the online complaining about the Barnes Foundation journal, recently updated, according to an email I got earlier today. This reminded me about Dan Coren's review of electronic music, where he attended the Electro-Music Festival in Cheltenham. Or, rather, he was going to, but:

We figured we’d take in the Sunday session. Alas, the Fates had other ideas. While dressing on Saturday morning, I got my foot caught in the leg of my underwear and hopped left when I should have gone right, throwing my back into spasms beyond anything I’d experienced in years. As soon as it happened, I knew I was in for a weekend of three-I’s time— ice packs, Ibuprofen and immobility.

Fortunately, he was able to watch online and write the article anyway. Whoo!

After the jump, comparisons of the Barnes Foundation move to slavery and the death of Jesus. Double whoo!

Meanwhile, editor Dan Rottenberg compares the move of the Barnes Museum to slavery and the crucifixion of the Lord:

“Why are your contributors still debating the merits of moving the Barnes Foundation to Center City?” several people have asked me lately. “It’s a done deal! Let’s move on!” [...] The “done deal” argument was used by abortion advocates after Roe v. Wade, by segregation advocates after Plessy v. Ferguson, and by slavery advocates after the Dred Scott decision. In each case it was presumed that a Supreme Court decision would settle the issue once and for all, but the opposite occurred, because ultimately “done deals” don’t cure the queasy feeling that persists in people’s stomachs regardless of what their leaders tell them. On the contrary, “done deal” logic tends to stiffen resistance to the deal at hand, as Pontius Pilate discovered 2,000 years ago. (“Why are you people still worshipping this guy? He’s dead! It’s a done deal!”)

I'm really beginning to think the Broad Street Review is actually some sort of parody magazine -- along the lines of brilliant comedian Michelle Malkin -- where actual arguments about art/culture/whatever are replaced by inane comparisons to Jesus and Nazis.

Over on the letters page, the some people -- surprise! -- took some offense to the Jesus/slavery comparisons and they respond with a reasonable argument and -- oh, fuck it, no, they just make segregation comparisons instead.

As I have patiently listened to my opponents, I have detected a whiff not of the oppressed, but of the defiant who historically have resisted changes that benefit the larger public. Their criticisms of Judge Stanley Ott and the Montgomery Orphans Court bring back memories to this boyhood Mississippian of the late Senator James Eastland’s comment: “Supreme Court or no Supreme Court, we are going to maintain segregated schools down in Dixie.”

Wait, there's more:

Most recently, Riley offers "the public good" as the compelling reason to violate the Barnes indenture and tear a site-specific collection from its home. Do we throw open the doors of the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts as well? Down with tuition and portfolios! How about making an education at Penn free and available to all comers? That's in the public interest, too!

Uh, yeah, those ideas sound pretty good to me. Unfeasible, I guess, but if people want to pay for it like they do the Barnes Foundation move, I think it sounds great! In fact, it'd probably one of the best things to ever happen in this city. What a wacky idea!

Oh, also, that comment above is in reply to a letter directly above it, which is what my college's humor magazine did. Eh? Eh?

Give electronic music a chance: It's better than it sounds (seriously) [BSR]
May 23: Nazis Infiltrating City's Classical Music Scene

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Today In News Plucked Directly From 1994

A number of free events will be offered: A playground of activities, including... the official training stage where fans can see and learn Power Rangers moves to defeat the evil space aliens.

Well, I guess there was just a Ninja Turtles movie a few months back, right? And we'll be safe if space aliens invade.

Power Rangers coming to Phila [Camden Courier-Post]

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Pennsylvania Gets A Mad Hatter Of Its Own

Earlier this week the feds captured The Mad Hatter bank robber, James Madison, in North Jersey. But never fear, fans of kinda sorta funny crimes!

Pennsylvania now has its own Mad Hatter bank robber, pictured at right. The man is suspected of robbing three banks, the most recent one taking place Monday in Buckingham, Bucks County. 6 ABC reports he's "believed to be in his 50's with a medium build... [and is] also described as having a chubby face."

Of course, "Mad Hatter" might be a little generous description of the chubby-faced man. I don't know where you think, but where I'm from, we call what he's wearing on his head in the photo a lamp shade.

New Hat-Wearing Bandit Hits Bucks Co. Banks [6 ABC]
Monday: Founding Father Robs Alexander Hamilton's Bank

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Dead Spokesgroundhog Walking

With the introduction of slot machines across Pennsylvania, the rise of Internet gambling and the mafia-run sports books probably rigged by Tim Donaghy, people have so many options to t