June 29, 2007

The Exciting Conclusion Of The Popeye Snuff Storyline

I have to go to a wedding this afternoon -- of two of my high school friends (gaww) -- but I wanted to update you on the further adventures of Popeye. As you may remember, on Wednesday Olive Oyl threatened to kill herself. As I've since learned, the Olive Oyl lookalike is apparently Olive's cousin, who egged her on. Yesterday, all the characters turned into dogs.

And as you can see today, Olive Oyl has apparently disappeared and now we're on to talking about hamburgers or something. I have no idea. I didn't even know there was a Popeye comic strip until two days ago. Back in the early 1990s, the artist of Popeye was fired for joking about abortion. Yeah.

I'll be posting over the weekend from now on (I think), so youse can check in over the weekend to distract yourself from bad TV as opposed to distracting yourself from work.

If you're bored for the rest of the day, have fun counting all the punny lines in this article from Pittsburgh. I'm not done, but I'm up to 4500.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:42 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

A LOVE Park You Can Skateboard On, Still

Speaking of John Street, there's a nice little screw you to him in the upcoming Tony Hawk's Proving Ground, the 79th (I think) installment in the skateboarding video game series. And by "a nice little screw you," I mean "a completely rendered version of the new LOVE Park that can be skateboarded on."

See, suburban white kids? You can have you revenge on John Street after all. Well, you know, kinda. Hey, if you can't do it in real life, then do it in a video game. I guess that works for Grand Theft Auto, too.

Tony Hawk 9: Love Park?! [Planet Tony Hawk]

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Scotch And Tequila At Civic Associaton Meeting

There's trouble a-brewin' in Northwood. The Near Northeast Philly neighborhood had a rather contentious Civic Association meeting last week.

Things got bad when the board attempted to read the minutes. There's a split in the Northwood Civic Association board, with all but one member against president Joe Menkevich. The rest of the board wants to change the bylaws to impeach him. After Menkevich began to get angry, another board member responded with this:

"The board of directors voted for you to sit down."

Ha ha, ICE BURN! Menkevich wasn't taking this sitting down, though. He attempted to not only disrupt the meeting, but turn this civic association meeting into an all-night party as well.

The embattled president loudly responded, "This meeting’s illegal." Menkevich threw the paper ballots on the variance question on the floor. He later picked them up and handed them to people at their tables. [...]

Menkevich’s allies were taken aback at the board majority’s actions. "This is a dictatorship," [a supporter] said before walking out of the meeting. Menkevich, who will likely resign before an impeachment attempt, invited his supporters back to his Castor Avenue home for tequila, beer and scotch.

Whoo! Free beer! I gotta start attending more civic association meetings.

President, board clash in Northwood [Northeast Times]

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This Kind Of Sums Up Eight Years Of John Street

Click to enlarge.

Update, 11:39 a.m.: For photos taken by, oh, I don't know, an actual photographer, the Daily News' Alejandro Alvarez has a slideshow.

Update, 1:51 p.m.: Teresa Masterson has pre-dawn photos of Mayor Street waiting in line for his iPhone. Impressive.

Earlier today: John Street In Revenge Of The Nerds

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: The Dell East is getting a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Elmer Smith: Looks like the Philadelphia Public schools support, uh, "intelligent design." (This is a metaphor, whatevs.)

John Baer: The budget won't be passed in time. OH NO!

Debbie Woodell: Gay retirement communities!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:43 AM | TrackBack

John Street In Revenge Of The Nerds

Earlier this week, I read an excellent column from The Star-Ledger about Newark Mayor Cory Booker. Booker is alerted on his Blackberry anytime there was another homicide in the city. He also is willing to go to jail to protest the pointless War on Drugs. (The only war currently going worse than Iraq!™)

Our mayor, John Street, is similar in a lot of ways. He, too, has a Blackberry. And he is willing to wait in line for an iPhone on 16th Street. He's been there since 3:30 a.m.

"I want to know the kind of things that are on the market," Street told KYW 1060. "I believe that we are a city that's leading the way in many respects in the use of technology. We got a late start in this city but we're trying to catch up.... I might be able to learn something here with the use of this technology that might help us in the city."

That's right: John Street is going to fix the city with his downloads of White Stripes MP3s. Of course, the mayor has to do things like, oh, I don't know, be the mayor of the city, and the iPhone doesn't go on sale until 6 p.m., so he's going to be signing all his important papers (or whatever the hell a mayor does) while waiting in line for his phone.

He also has to leave for a few events during the day and will have someone sit in his chair. Please, please, please let it be a homeless guy I'm friendly with so I can steal his seat. Actually, wait: There's Wi-Fi there, isn't there? I could blog from John Street's folding chair. Well, maybe not. Either way, Street will be cutting in line since he has to leave to go cut ribbons.

"We live in a geeky little world here," Street said to Mike DiNardo. "Times have changed dramatically. It used to be the people seen as geeks were kind of looked down upon. But not anymore!"

Hm. I'm a little torn here. I do think the mayor should have better things to do than wait in line for an iPhone. However, if I were mayor -- I had photos of all the other candidates with Shetland ponies who were not their wives -- I'd totally get an iPhone. I might work on that homicide problem, too, though.

Update: Photographic proof.

Mayor Street in line for iPhone [KYW 1060]

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J-Roll Would Like You To See The Simpsons Movie

A commenter posted this ad for baseball's All-Star Game yesterday, and it's worth watching. It's a pretty cute ad, with the baseball players riding San Francisco's cable cars. At about the 30 second mark, it gets good. Ryan Howard and Chase Utley laugh maniacally as the cable car nearly kills a marching band, and then Jimmy Rollins randomly eats a donut, mimicking an ad for the Simpsons movie. Coincidentally, Jimmy Rollins will be home eating donuts during the All-Star Break this year.

2007 MLB All Star Game "Cable Car" Ad [YouTube]

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June 28, 2007

This Is Enough: Alycia Lane Comments, Part 3

Okay, ha ha, get it? Oh so wacky! Putting Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz's head on the head of a model in a bikini to represent today's oh-so-exciting changeover: "Alycia Lane" will become "Glenn 'Hurricane' Schwartz." Wokka wokka!

As you might have guessed, I'm a bit tired of this -- the changing over, I don't really care about the comments -- and as such this will be the last day. And I suggest, if the Alycia Lane comments really annoy you, then stop reading this site.

No, wait! That's not good. What I meant to say is: If the Alycia Lane comments annoy you, well, then ha ha, sucks to be you.

Hmm, that's not good either. Oh, well if this keeps up I'll ban the commenter if I remember, or whatever. Feel free to continue mocking his sexuality, his hygiene, his lack of social skills or his IP address, which is 199.72.242... okay, okay.

Posted by D-Mac at 06:17 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

Dr. Joel Fish To Console Players Unfortunate Enough To Be Drafted By 76ers

Do you prefer your news from a biased source? How about an unabashedly biased source? Well, tonight is the NBA draft, and the 76ers are covering the draft on Sixers.com!

Actually, the updates aren't bad at all, but I'm not coming up with another lead. I mean, I did I learn this:

Dr. Joel Fish, the team's psychologist, is also in the draft room now, there to lend his thoughts when needed.

Now why would the 76ers need Dr. Fish? Oh, oh. If a player's drafted by the 76ers, he's going to be despondent. That makes sense then.

If you're looking for other Sixers draft coverage, Philly.com is going to have 2400 people blogging the draft. I also tremendously enjoyed my friend Dave Zeitlin's day-before-the-draft wrap-up yesterday, and he's also blogging tonight. Be sure to check it out if the West Chester Daily Local's server is working, which it almost certainly won't be.

Draft Day Frequent Update [Sixers.com]
Sports Corner [Daily Local]

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So This Is What NJ Residents Do After Leaving Old City

There's not really much I can do with this article about Camden's streets at night from the Courier-Post so I'll just print a few of the excerpted quotes.

• The harsh, bright lights illuminated a crowd milling near the Crown Fried Chicken on Mount Ephraim Avenue.

  Inside, Tara Kittrell, 28, wore a tight-fitting white T-shirt with the words "Baby Sex" on it. After a night on the town at a Philadelphia club, she was back in Camden, trying to explain why it's important to keep the late-night fast food restaurants open -- even though some officials say they are magnets for crime and should close by 1 a.m.

  "People go out. They get drunk. They want to get something to eat," Kittrell said. "They got to feed their liquor. They don't want to be going home, throwing up all over the place. They got to eat so they don't get no hangovers."



• "Yeah, I'm concerned. But I'm watching my head before I'm watching someone else's," said Pop Marcus, 20. "Shooting? Yeah. That's daily here. . . . But it's survival of the fittest, dog eat dog. . . . Everybody wants to get out, eventually, but you got to deal with the situation at hand.


• As he leaned against the doorway of the takeout restaurant, Jose Rosa took a long drink from a plastic bottle and complained that the Camden police are picking on him and his friends.

  On this cool, quiet evening, just a short time before the nearby bars will close, Rosa, 50, says he's feeling a little resentful about an incident earlier that night.

  The police shouldn't have asked him and his friends to stop drinking in public, he says.

  "We're not the problem," he says, in Spanish-accented English. "It's the jitterbugs."

  Jitterbugs?

  "This is a stick-up place," he says of his neighborhood. He blames the "jitterbugs," which is his name for the young, nervous, armed bandits who pull guns and steal from people in the community.

Uh, I'm pretty sure that last one is his derogatory term for black people, but whatever.

Camden streets at night [Courier-Post]

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Duh: Phillies Fans Hate The Phillies

In recent years, the Phillies have made a distinct effort to get fans to vote in the All-Star Game. The Phanatic wears a jersey reminding fans to vote for their favorite Phillies as All-Stars. (Wes Helms and Rod Barajas are surely getting a lot of votes.) The Phils even use oh-so-cute ballgirls to urge fans to make sure Chase Utley gets in. Oh, and ushers collect the ballots, Dan Baker reminds you to vote and the Phillies' website also urges fans to pop out those chads at the ballpark or vote online.

Too bad it's not working. An article -- not really scientific, since MLB doesn't announce all of the vote totals -- done today by Nate Silver's Baseball Prospectus attempts to gauge how many votes a player gains or loses by playing for a particular team. (It's behind a paywall.) It's based on a player's VORP, which fans don't really vote based on, but it's a fun study nonetheless.

And, gee, the Phillies don't do all that well. The Phillies' rank 27th in the league, in front of only the Indians, Rockies and Marlins. A player gets more votes -- or, rather, loses fewer -- by playing for the Devil Rays. By playing for the Phillies, a player can expect to lose 205,883 votes. If one plays for the Mets, he gains 435,030. From the article:

There are also different types of "homerism" between different sets of fans. Fans in the northeast are very loyal to their clubs, with the notable exception of Philadelphia, a contrarian city where fans will find any excuse to rag on their own players.

Oh, now, come on. We rarely need an excuse; we're being realists.

Lies, Damned Lies: All-Star Balloting [Baseball Prospectus]

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Subject Line Of The Week

Somebody, please, return this guy's notebook: He had a bunch of notes on how to spell common words in there.

Writer looses Notebook [Craigslist]

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The Exciting Conclusion To The Popeye Snuff Comic

Yesterday, every child who's ever had a dream when watching Popeye that one day Olive Oyl would be portrayed in a snuff comic had the best day of his or her life. (Not that any of these people exist, but let's pretend.) Yesterday's Popeye comic strip featured Olive Oyl gleefully laughing as she pointed a gun at her head, ready to end her life.

Today, the story gets weirder, kinda.

Okay, so it was all a joke. What makes this strip almost as disturbing as yesterday's is this: In today's third panel, all three characters' brains (as small as they are) are replaced with dogs' brains. Popeye is going "Arf," Olive Oyl with boobs is going "Grr," and Olive Oyl herself is drinking from a fairly unsanitary location.

You know, fake suicide jokes could be funny, I guess, if they were actually funny. I am interested to see where this dog plotline goes, though. Maybe Popeye will sniff Bluto's ass!

Popeye 6.28.07 [Houston Chronicle]
Yesterday: Popeye The Sadist Man

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Correction Of The Week

Take it away, Camden Courier Post:

A rabid raccoon was found Tuesday on Woodlane Drive in Moorestown. A story Wednesday was incorrect.

But what was the error?

Correction 6.28.07 [Camden Courier-Post]

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Philly Loses Meaningless Distinction

Despite the best efforts of, ah, Joey Sweeney and uwishunu, Philadelphia has finally slipped enough in population and has fallen behind Phoenix according to the census bureau. Philadelphia has been rumored to have fallen to sixth about 4500 times since 2000, but the Arizona city has finally "officially" passed us.

The complaint, of course, is that Phoenix can annex its suburbs and soon will be as large as the entire state of Arizona. This was the same complaint Philadelphians lodged over a century ago when Chicago passed Philly to become the second largest city in the country. If you're scoring at home, that means Philly's been getting screwed for over 100 years and nothing has changed. (The Phillies sucked then, too.)

The Philly metro area (Philly-Camden-Wilmington) has also been passed for fourth place by the Dallas-Fort Worth metropolitan area. It's probably best to blame Camden here, so that's what we're going to do: Hey, Camden! Thanks for knocking us into fifth, you bums!

All hope is not lost, though. While there may be fewer of us, Philadelphia still is fourth in one important category: Time spent in front of the idiot box.

One population category in which the Philadelphia area still can claim fourth place, at least for now, is as a media market. According to Nielsen Media Research, we trail only New York, Los Angeles and Chicago in total potential viewers within range of our local television stations. By the way, Dallas ranks sixth on that score, Phoenix 13th.

Woohoo! Now get us our MLS team so we can stop watching stupid reality shows or whatever. Nah, just kidding, that's what we'll do anyway.

Census hits city where it counts [Inquirer]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Other people like Philadelphia, bitches!

Jill Porter: Rittenhouse is open for all to play music in, as well as do other things! Well, okay, not from 1 a.m. - 5 a.m., when it's closed.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:45 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 27, 2007

Alycia Lane Bikini Comments, Part 2

I've decided that for the rest of the week -- and by "the week," I mean today and tomorrow -- I'm going to edit the words "Alycia Lane" in relation to seeing her in a bikini like I did yesterday.

Today's winner is Erin O'Hearn, the 6 ABC reporter -- who's quite good, actually -- and who is much like Alycia Lane in that she's a woman and she works on a local TV station.

Yes, I realize I'm "encouraging" the Alycia Lane bikini comments by responding to them, but whatever, now that I've figured out how to do a reasonable approximation of scotch tape in Photoshop¹, it's on. If you're wondering why today's change isn't particularly funny, it's because I'm just setting youse up for tomorrow. Duh. If you're wondering why the woman in the photo I chose has big breasts, uh, I'm a guy.²

¹ Make a new layer, fill in a scotch-tape sized box with light gray (#cccccc if possible) and set opacity to about 50-60 percent.

² Only half true. It was also the first match on Google Image Search. Laziness trumps everything, really.

Yesterday: Regarding The Alycia Lane Bikini Comments

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Everyone's Suing Allen Iverson These Days

Although he's been out of the city since being traded last winter, it's still nice to see what Allen Iverson is up to nowadays. (Remember him? #1 pick? Led the team to the 2001 Finals? Come on, that wasn't that long ago! The city went nuts for it! Sigh.)

Anyway, apparently since he left town he's being sued by everyone who's been in a nightclub with him. As usual, the alleged problem isn't A.I. himself, but his goofy entourage, who without Jerry Stackhouse's posse to rumble with anymore is sometimes down to causing other trouble.

He's being sued for $20 million in federal civil court over an alleged beating his posse delivered to two men who sat in his reserved seats at a nightclub in D.C. The plaintiffs even wanted 50 Cent to testify because he's familiar with Iverson's security crew. The judge denied this, natch, since 50 Cent wasn't at the nightclub, nor does he live in the DC area.

However, the court may be entertained a bit, since the plaintiffs' attorneys are asking for the right to show an episode of Punk'd.

It seems the clip shows Iverson being told that he can't get into a nightclub party until the Bush twins leave -- totally not true, ha ha, but a typical gag from the VIP practical-joke TV show -- and a friend getting up in the bouncer's face insisting that he has to get his man inside. This is relevant, lawyers say, because it shows the relationship Iverson had with the entourage[.]

Ha ha, that was a great episode of Punk'd. Then Iverson joined up with the Punk'd crew and got to punk Jermaine O'Neal, remember? Man, that was sweet. If I was a judge I'd totally want to watch that episode again.

Oh, and another lawsuit against A.I. is moving forward as well from a 2004 incident. If he loses both lawsuits, I think he'll be okay, because I hear he has lots of money bagz.

Can He Handle Defense At This Kind of Court? [WaPo]
Names & Faces [WaPo]

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How Many Philadelphians Does It Take To Use A Parking Meter?

At Headhouse Square recently, the Philadelphia Parking Authority did pretty much the first good thing it's ever done¹, replacing those normal meters that need quarters that you don't have with a bunch of those fancy new meters that take bills, credit cards and change you don't have.

The machines aren't right in front of spaces, but there are six of them for the 44 spaces at 2nd and South. The PPA likes the new machines because it will be alerted when there are problems (with Wi-Fi??) and it frees up sidewalk space for, you know, walkin'.

We Philadelphians hate the machines because we're too fucking stupid to use them. The Inquirer's Katie Stuhldreher in my favorite story of the day:

"I've lived around here a long time and I just want to know what the heck is going on. What was wrong with the old meters?" said Hilda Schoenwetter, a retired teacher who parks frequently at Head House Square. [...]

Ed Gray, a driver looking for a space, said he didn't like having to walk over to the meter in the middle of the block instead of having one right at his parking space.

Maryann Dolan, seeking a space so she could bring her dog in for a doctor's appointment, looked at one new meter and said: "I don't know what I'm doing here. I think it's just ridiculous."

Yeah, those meters sure are hard. So hard that 95 percent of Portland's meters use the technology and the city has descended into a pit of lawlessness. The real problem mentioned in the article, where a machine wouldn't take a woman's credit card, forced the woman to go into Wawa to get change... which is what she had to do with the old meters.

(Oh, yea, the other problem is you now are pretty much guaranteed a ticket if you run over your time limit, since it's so much easier for the meter maids to write 'em. So, yeah, that sucks.)

Anyway, that's not to say the PPA did everything right here.

In order to ease some of the initial confusion about the machines, the Parking Authority assigned "meter greeters" for the first week of operation to explain how the new meters work. But now Philadelphians are on their own.

I think it might be time to just blow up the entire city and start over.

¹ I don't really know what I'm basing this on, but as a rule, pretty much every government organization does only one or two good things every 50 years, if ever.

New parking meters on Head House Square confuse many [Inquirer]

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Road To 10,000 Losses: Larry Bowa, Working Hard To Contribute To All 10,000 Phillies Losses

So, yes, in the paper today I wrote about the 10,000 Losses thing, basically focusing on the historical awfulness of the Phillies. Lest you think I've possible exhausted all the bad stories about the Phillies on this blog, ha ha ha. There's enough awfulness about the Phillies to fill three Wikipedias. My story begins with an 11-year-old boy the Phillies had arrested 80 years ago because he pocketed a foul ball hit into the stands. I'd like to say he'll be sharing a room with the streaker from earlier this year in Phillies Heaven.

Anyway, we ran a sidebar of local bloggers who wrote their favorite "awful" Phillies stories, and some of them weren't able to make it into the paper because of length or my Gmail account sucking. As such, here is the amazing account of A.J. Daulerio of Phillymag (and Deadspin) fame at a game following Sept. 11.

I believe it was September 17, 2001 and the Phillies, like the rest of Major League Baseball, had supposedly put together a tribute to recognizing every one lost after 9/11. Most other teams coming back after the week-long break had tasteful tributes with military personnel, flag waving, and heartfelt national anthems sung by either established stars or, at the very minimum, people who could actually sing. The Phillies organization decided to stick with the same entertainment that they had scheduled for that evening prior to the attacks: a middle-aged female barbershop quartet-like group, frumpily decked out in sweatshirts and turtlenecks. After the ladies' wince-worthy renditions of God Bless America and the National Anthem -- which they breezed through in, oh, maybe two minutes -- most of the crowd expecting to be uplifted and inspired, appeared to have actually been made to feel worse. Best part? It was one of the first nationally televised games after the attacks. Goosebumps?

Wasn't this the game where they showed Larry Bowa crying during the National Anthem? Maybe he was actually crying because it was so bad.

After the jump, another long story involving Larry Bowa and, of course, Minor Threat.

This one's by John Finger, who works for Comcast SportsNet and also blogs at Finger Food. What makes John's blog oh so very good is he covers the team for CSN.com and, therefore, he goes into the locker rooms and talks with players and blah blah blah. Not that athletes -- or, really, anyone -- has anything interesting to say, but whatevs.

Anyway, the story. This contains all the parts of a good Phillies story: Namely, Larry Bowa being an asshole.

The very first baseball game I ever saw was at Veterans Stadium between the Phillies and the Mets during the Bicentennial summer of 1976. All I remember was how big and green the place was and how tiny the ballplayers were from our seats somewhere in the upper reaches of the stadium (not ballpark).

I like to think Steve Carlton faced Tom Seaver that day, but I can’t be sure. One thing is for certain though: Larry Bowa played in the game. Growing up in Lancaster, Pa., and Washington, D.C., Bowa quickly became my favorite player. He was a smooth fielder at shortstop with a strong arm and fought for everything he got with the bat. Bowa's skills as a hitter were so poor that it was fair to say that every hit he got during his 16 seasons in the Major Leagues was earned. It was a fight and to a kid interested in the uncool, that was kind of cool.

Since Bowa was my favorite player, I naturally assumed that he was articulate, sensitive, intelligent, witty and noble. Isn’t that the way all heroes and adults were supposed to be? Because I lived so far away from Philadelphia and there was no proliferation of sports media like there is now, I knew next to nothing about Larry Bowa aside from the profile of likes and dislikes in the team-issued yearbook. According to the 1980 Phillies Yearbook, Bowa liked The Supremes.

Who would have guessed?

I knew nothing about how his teammates thought he was obnoxious, the opposition hated him or that once in the late 1970s he supposedly lured a writer from the Camden Courier Post into the darkened clubhouse by getting another player to tell him he had a phone call so that he could assault the scribe.

I was a kid who played shortstop for my little league team and loved baseball. What better reason to like Larry Bowa?

So when Bowa was hired to replace Terry Francona before the 2001 season, I was excited. The 2001 season was also my first full year writing about the Phillies for Comcast SportsNet and what could be better than doing that than with my favorite player running the club?

There are certain poignant moments in a man’s life when he can remember still feel the way the sun shined on his skin on a particular day, the way the air smelled at a precise moment, and how time stood still for the smallest fraction. For me those times were when my son was born, my wedding, the first time I saw a Picasso painting up close and the first time I heard Minor Threat.

Then there was the first time I met Larry Bowa. After a couple of days of following the team around in Philadelphia at the beginning of the 2001 season, I finally had a chance to go into his office in the clubhouse at the Vet and introduce myself. I would be one of the guys writing about the club, I told him, and it was going to fun and interesting getting a chance to hear his wisdom and insight on baseball.

Needless to say, he wasn’t too impressed.

He was even less impressed a couple of days later when I asked him a harmless question about pitcher Randy Wolf in a post-game press conference. Knowing that Wolf was working on a strict pitch-count because of an arm injury that limited his work during the spring, I wondered if the pitcher still had enough left to go an inning or two longer than Bowa had allowed.

In retrospect it seemed as if I didn’t phrase the question so succinctly, because Bowa answered my question with a few of his own:

“Are you following what’s going on here? Do you know anything about baseball? Are you bleeping stupid? He was on a pitch-count. That’s why I took him out.”

Oddly, as Bowa was shouting at me as if he was R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket, I felt myself leave my body and watch it all from above the fray. At the same time I wondered if I was supposed to answer those questions. After all, he did ask...

What does one say? Kind of; a little; and it depends on who you bleeping ask.

By the end of the 2001 season I took solace in the knowledge that Bowa would one day be fired. I knew then that firing Bowa was the only hope the Phillies had.

Losing Proposition [PW]

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Mac Nerds Making Halo Fans Look Pretty Good

In case you don't have ears, Friday is the launch of the iPhone, the most hyped product since movable printed type. The iPhone is the successor to the iPod (I guess), and is just like an iPod except you can get on the web, check your email and watch porn. Oh, and you can make calls.

Despite the pitfalls of buying a first generation device -- the demo on Apple's website does pretty much make you want one -- many fans are clamoring so much for the new device they're already waiting in line to make sure they can secure the newest creation of Apple CEO Steve Jobs. (He made it all by himself!)

Five people were in line by Tuesday afternoon outside Apple's Fifth Avenue store in New York City, three of them having been in line since Monday. "Words can't express why I want an iPhone," said Jessica Rodriguez, 24, a college student. "The main reason is Steve Jobs is a genius. He's a great innovator. It's going to be the next big thing in cell phones."

"Hey, why are you putting in that light bulb? Do you enjoy working at night?"

"Hell no. I just think Thomas Edison is a genius!"

IPhone Monthly Plans Start at $59.99 [AP/Philly.com]

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SEPTA To Improve... Marketing

SEPTA has finally heard your complaints, people! For years, people of pretty much all Philadelphians from every walk of life saying that while SEPTA has impeccable transportation provided you want to travel down to Broad, Frankford or Market streets, the rest has a leaves a bit to be desired.

And SEPTA has finally answered the call.

“Some critics have said we haven’t marketed ourselves well,” [SEPTA GM Richard] Maloney said. “This is an example of very targeted marketing in areas of the system that have growth potential.”

Oh. Yes, that's right, SEPTA is now marketing to annoying people in Manayunk and Roxborough bars with beer coasters, along with magnets, maps and buttons. Ooh, I can't wait to wear my R6 button! (Where's my Cornwells Heights station pin? I gotta rep the R7, guys!)

Now, while the campaign is only costing $45 grand and, sure, maybe it will attract riders, the quotes from SEPTA brass are all pretty priceless.

• “We also produced a pocket-sized map,” SEPTA marketing director Rich DiLullo said yesterday. “On one side is a map and the other side is a quirky characterization about the different routes.”
• “What I liked about this campaign is it’s portable,” DiLullo said. “If we did some route restructuring in Chester, we’d be able to promote it in this way as well. We’ve created a template.”
• “The challenge has always been, how do you target people without spending a gazillion dollars ... and attract people’s attention,” DiLullo said.

Rich: Duh, you start a blog.

EPTA hopes to pick up riders with bar campaign [Metro]
[Photo via Metro]

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Popeye The Sadist Man

I dare you to read this comic and tell me you still believe in the First Amendment. And maybe the Second, too.

Horrow show face off [The Comics Curmudgeon]

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Breaking: Philly's Homicide Problem Solved

Police: Murders Not Yet at 200 [6 ABC]

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Crack Airline Security Does It Again

Some dude angry about a long wait for apple juice forced a flight headed to North Carolina to be diverted to Philadelphia.

Officials say the man became irate and used profanity aboard a Delta flight from LaGuardia airport in New York to Greensboro, NC on Tuesday afternoon around 5pm.

The flight was diverted to Philadelphia, where it was determined that the man had become upset over a lengthy wait for some apple juice he had ordered.

The FBI is "tight-lipped" about its investigation, but expect tomorrow the announcement of the capture of the infamous Apple Juice Bomber.

Man Angry Over Apple Juice Forces Plane to Land in Philadelphia [KYW 1060]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, calling opponents of new gun laws insane will surely make my point!

John Baer: State Republicans don't care about sick people.

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Local Human Billboards Participate In Publicity Stunt

Yesterday, a Philadelphia couple began a month-long publicity stunt for M&Ms by "exchanging vows" at City Hall. (Don't worry, this will start to make sense in a minute. Ha ha, just kidding, no it won't.) Their vow: To communicate with each other using only M&Ms for one month. The point of the stunt is to get local TV stations to write about candy, and, golly gee, it is a success!

Jennifer Farina and Ryan Donlon are not only forbidden to speak with each other for a month, they also aren't allowed to text message each other. Oh, and a bunch of cameras in their house are going to track their every move to make sure they're not cheating.

So can one really express emotion with just the letter 'm'? Well, no. But Mars has given them a bunch of custom-printed M&Ms to promote a website that allows one to purchase custom-printed M&Ms.

Donlon has already categorized their new sweet vocabulary. “I have 9,000 of these at home,” he said. "Different numbers, messages, words, things to communicate how your day was."

The M&M's are even color coded for emotions. “Reds are all angry, crazy, mad. The pink ones are all love,” Donlon said.

In the spirit of this promotion, if I see either Ryan or Jennifer during the next 30 days, I'm only going to communicate with two words: you and fuck.

Couple Takes Unusual Vow Of Sweet Silence [CBS 3]

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Phillies Get Meaningless Revenge 43 Years Later

When the Phillies blew a 6 1/2 game lead with 12 to play in 1964, the catalyst (if you will) was a 1-0 loss to the Cincinnati Reds on Sept. 21, where Chico Ruiz stole home in the top of the sixth for the game's only run.

Well, ho ho, Cincinnati Reds! You can suck it now: Last night in an 11-4 victory, Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz stole home in the bottom of the 2nd. Yeah, I'm not quite sure how it worked either. Michael Bourn went from first and Ruiz dashed home once the throw went to second.

But, hey, either way, you can suck it, Chico! Yeah, you must feel pretty bad right now, if you're still alive! (Editor's Note: he's been dead for 30+ years.) It's okay, Gene Mauch, you're off the hook or something. Clearly, a steal of home in a mid-season win over the worst team in baseball has evened the score once and for all.

The Phils are actually only 2.5 games back of the Mets blablablablabla.

Reds-Phillies 9.21.64 [Retrosheet]
Philadelphia 11, Cincinnati 4 [AP/Yahoo! Sports]

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June 26, 2007

Regarding The Alycia Lane Bikini Comments

I'm really torn on this. On one hand, I don't read the comments for the most part and don't really care what goes in there. And on the other hand, I kind of like the idea that this is bothering people so much. And that someone has enough time to annoy people like this anyway.

So I've reached a compromise. Every single instance of "Alycia Lane" in a comment regarding access to her bikini photos has been changed to "Larry Mendte."

You can thank me later.

(Oh, yeah, we're going to have comment registration soon since I'm tired of deleting spam. I expect this to take place in 2028 or so.)

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Warning: This Post Contains Strong Language

Hey, remember that smoking ban everyone was all up in arms about for a while? Well, yeah, it looks like it's not gonna matter at all! The Pennsylvania Senate yesterday pretty much decided the state is going to have a smoking ban, but there will be tons of exemptions. Oh, and it overrides all local laws, so Philadelphians will indeed be free to smoke in parts of casinos.

The bill's exemptions are for restaurants where food makes up less than 25 percent of sales, cigar bars (probably the most sensible exemption), a quarter of casino floor areas and, of course, "charitable fund-raisers where cigars are sold."

This was quite a reasonable debate, of course, with the head of the ACS in Pennsylvania saying legislators were murdering thousands of people while legislators decided to come out against the bill with strong words.

Sen. Jim Ferlo, D-Allegheny, called the exemptions “disgusting gobbledygook,” and Sen. Anthony Williams, D-Philadelphia, said the changes were like “a pig in lipstick” being billed as a beauty queen.

Yes, that'll show 'em.

Senate acts to curb Phila. smoking ban [Inquirer]
Weaker Pa. version would override city’s smoking law [Metro]

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Road To 10,000 Losses: 9991 Down, 9 To Go

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. The Phillies stand at 9991 losses, only 9 away from 10,000.

A lot has happened since the last time I've written about the Phils. (More on this absence tomorrow.) Basically, although the Phillies have climbed over .500, the season's pretty much over because the Phils are one injury away from re-signing Jim Bunning and having him start every other game the rest of the season. And if that doesn't work, they'll have to sign me, and although I have a wicked curve, my fastball tops out at around 82 and I don't have the control of Jamie Moyer.

Phillies starters Jon Lieber and Freddy Garcia are both on the disabled list and are probably both out for the season. Tom Gordon and Brett Myers are supposed to be off the DL soon, but, ah, yeah, we'll all believe that when we see it. This leaves the Phillies starting rotation with three players, one of whom (Adam Eaton) has an ERA over five. The bullpen has Jose Mesa, Clay Condrey, Lefty Grove, Grover Cleveland Alexander, Cy Young and Lil Stoner (the best baseball name ever). Unfortunately for the Phillies, only one of those pitchers (Condrey) is alive, although Grove did pick up a win last week.

The bullpen is a mess, and now the starting rotation has somehow become an even bigger mess. The problem is, the Phillies had a guy who might've helped in the rotation this season. His name is Justin Germano, and he is 5-1 with a 2.67 ERA. How recently did the Phillies have him? Oh, they fleeced the Reds last season, trading Rheal Cormier for him. But despite going 2-0 with a sub-three ERA in Scranton after the Phillies traded for him last year and a 4.50 ERA in spring training this season, the Phillies decided he wasn't in their plans and placed him on waivers.

As for the bullpen, Justin Miller was with the Phillies' AAA affiliate this season and is now in the Florida Marlins' 'pen with an ERA just over three. The Phillies released him from Ottawa so they could sign more of Pat Gillick's friends.

Anyway, the Phils are only 3.5 games back of the first-place Mets, which is pretty amazing considering the Phillies were 28-29 and 8 games back on June 4. Unfortunately, that a team averaging 5.09 runs a game in the National League is only three games over .500 is pretty amazing, too.

Oh, and here's who's starting the first game of the doubleheader Friday:

The Phillies, Durbin's fourth team, claimed Durbin from the Red Sox on April 13, after Boston designated him for assignment. He spent Spring Training with the Twins, but was claimed off waivers by the Diamondbacks on March 29. He appeared in one game for Arizona, and allowed seven earned runs in two-thirds of an inning, compiling a 94.50 ERA.

Update: Yeah, I miscounted when I put my original post up. Stupid evolution, not giving me enough fingers to properly do simple arithmetic.

Oh, let's update again: Jason Weitzel on Durbin: "Last season, managers rated his curveball as the best breaking pitch in the International League. Baseball America had him as the Twins 10th best prospect this season, which would probably [definitely—dmac.] make him a top 5-10 player in the Phillies' system." He might be able to pitch a nice game Friday, especially since the Mets won't know what to expect. Hey, optimism!

Archives: Road to 10,000 Losses

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Fumo Unable To Get Verizon To Just Give Him $15 Mil

Turns out Vince Fumo's "I'm being unfairly targeted by President Bush" letter to his constituents (which was also paid for by his constituents) was pretty timely after all. Currently, Fumo's lawyers are in court arguing for their right to represent Fumo in the most boring hearing in American history. The Inquirer is, of course, liveblogging it.

During yesterday's portion of the hearings, prosecutors alleged Fumo and Verizon struck a "gentlemen's agreement" that if Verizon gave the state senator a handjob (in this case, "handjob" means "millions of dollars to a law firm of his choosing") he wouldn't push to break up the company.

As talks proceeded, prosecutors say, Fumo offered to drop his fight and pushed Verizon to give $15 million to Citizens Alliance. Unlike Peco[, who gave $17 million], Verizon refused to do that. But according to the testimony yesterday, [ex-Verizon prez Dan] Whelan did agree to give an unspecified amount to the Philly Pops - orchestra conductor Peter Nero and Fumo are close friends - and to hire a law firm designated by Fumo.

Then everyone involved went to their vaults of gold coins and swum around a la Scrooge McDuck. Ha ha, rich people are awesome, aren't they?

Details emerge on Fumo, Verizon [Inquirer]
The Case Against Sen. Fumo [Philly.com]

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Come On, Come All! Lessen Your Time In Purgatory!

In case you didn't read the story associated with yesterday's Catholic vs. Protestant poll on Philly.com, here's the 411: The Vatican has approved a plenary indulgence available to all Philadelphia Catholics in honor of the Archdiocese's 200th anniversary. While the church used to sell indulgences, now it simply makes people jump through hoops to get them: For the Philly indulgence, one must make a pilgrimage to a shrine (take the El to Girard, it's just a few blocks to where St. John Neumann is buried), receive the sacraments of penance and communion and pray for whatever the Pope wants you to.

The Catholic church gets a little angry when somebody brings up the point indulgences were never mentioned by Jesus, except in the apocryphal Sermon on the Mount of Gold Doubloons.¹ even going so far as to say for about 400 years that anyone who disagreed with indulgences was going to hell. (Really.) Lots of people, though, believe indulgences are a free path to heaven, which they're not. Geeze, you idiots: Indulgences simply lessen one's time in purgatory.² (Wikipedia hilariously summarizes: "God has mercy upon sinners who repent their sins, but like some parents, His justice still requires that the sinner be punished for the wrongdoing.")

You also have to be actually sorry for masturbating³ to get the indulgences, so tough luck, everyone.

¹ I may have made this up.

² I'm already in the clear here, since I wore a scapular for nine weeks a while back, and as such the Blessed Mother is going to bail me out of purgatory on the first Saturday after my death.

³ Or for using a condom with your AIDS-stricken husband.

Spiritual gift for Catholics in Phila. [Inquirer]

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World War II Vets Too Dead To See Unbuilt Memorial

Back in 2000, people in New Jersey decided there really should be a World War II memorial in the state. The reasoning: If there's any war we don't really honor the soldiers from, it's World War II.

Now it's 2007, and it still hasn't been built. This is worrying quite a few people because there's a chance by the time it's finished there won't be any more WW II veterans alive to see the memorial.

The Garden State's been on a bit of a memorial binge recently, with a Vietnam one opening up in 1995 and a Korea one opening in 2001. While the funding for those projects went smoothly -- possibly because there are veterans of those wars not in nursing homes -- people just don't feel the need to honor the greatest generation or whatever. (Fun fact: 1,100 World War II veterans die every day in America. Wait, I guess that's not fun.)

The state has kicked in $3 million for the memorial, but it's now going to cost about 80 billion dollars to build and they could really use some money. And whose fault is it that the memorial isn't done? That's right.

While the state has allocated $3 million for the project, the commission in charge of the memorial has received only about $200,000 in donations from individuals and organizations, and not one cent from any New Jersey corporation, he said. The latter especially angers [Stephen] Abel, who said many of those corporations made windfall profits from wartime profits.

“It's been a significant disappointment,” he said.

How dare those corporations make wartime profits and then not remember it like 60 years later. Come on, Standard Oil of New Jersey!

Few, if any, WWII vets to see N.J. memorial [Press of Atlantic City]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: Ha ha did you hear about the pair of pants lawsuit?

Ellen Gray: OMG IDOL IS COMING TO PHILLY!

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June 25, 2007

Philadelphia Will Do Gets Mail From Vince Fumo

Okay, well Philadelphia Will Do didn't get mail from Vince Fumo, really. But it just so happens that I live in Vince Fumo's district, and I got an official mailing from the state senator detailing his recent indictments.

His letter was nice and timely. (He was indicted in February.) It began with the note that his offices are still open, his staff is still helping people out, and all that stuff that makes a lot of sense. It then continues.

Second, I ask you to keep in mind that in this country, a person accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty. This is not just a slogan or an empty phrase from social studies text books. It means no citizen should be judged until both sides are presented in a court of law.... If you have followed the news coming from Washington DC in recent months, you are aware that there is not a great deal of controversy regarding the pressure placed on U.S. Attorneys under the Bush Administration to pursue politically motivated prosecutions.

I can only imagine the scene in the White House, where George Bush Dick Cheney is slamming his fist on the table, urging the prosecution of an obscure yet powerful Pennsylvania state senator. Actually, with the competence the Bush administration has shown so far, it wouldn't surprise me if the administration did spend a lot of time working to phrase Vince Fumo. (Translation: There's absolutely no way he gets convicted.)

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Philly.com's, Uhh, 95 Theses

A poll on Philly.com:

Oddly enough, this poll surmises there are only two types of people in this world: (a) Catholic and down with indulgences and (b) Protestant. But, hey, less time in purgatory!

Philadelphia archdiocese offers indulgences [Inquirer]
Philly.com Poll: Indulgences [Philly.com]

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A Week Off And Nothing Changes

If you're wondering, I took a week off from blogging because if I didn't take a break soon I'm sure my brain would have melted into a goo of some sort. This might happen anyway, but I'd like to try to avoid that kind of PR nightmare for my death. But just because I wasn't blogging doesn't mean I didn't take notice of the news last week.

There were a few news stories I almost thought about getting off my ass and writing about. I mean, some dude stole about 20 manhole covers, and he was 38! The cops managed to catch him by doing a stakeout, presumably in the sewers under manhole covers. "Okay, here's manhole number 21--" "Gotcha!"

I also really enjoyed the Inquirer's coverage of Wizard World, which included the photo at right. Being a nerd, I played quite a few Final Fantasy games when I was younger and, uh, what the hell have they done to Final Fantasy? Did I ever know any girls who dressed like that when I was 15? Hell, fuck that: Did I ever know any girls who dressed like that and played Final Fantasy when I was 15?¹

Anyway, when I last played a Final Fantasy game, the characters all pretty much looked like this:

Well, that is an FF character, but it's not representative. Usually, they looked like regular people, only more pixelated. Also some of the characters just had little stubs instead of hands. It does make sense, though. Now that the Internet has brought widespread attention -- and encouragement! -- to people who sexualize, say, Donkey Kong and Erin Esurance and make cartoon porn of them², it only makes sense a video game company would make "sexy" characters so they can sell action figures or whatever years after the game has been released.

It wasn't all manholes and sex (ha ha) last week, though. No, Larry West continued his assault on the Philadelphia political establishment by sending out Myspace bulletins every three hours or so.

Speaking of the Internet, Philly.com offered a short reader survey last week. I took it, wanting to help Philly.com know what advertisements they'd like to see. That was an actual question, somewhere in the 40s. Oh, yes, also: This survey had ninety-nine questions (but a bitch ain't one).

The number one story of the week, though, was Stu Bykofsky's column about the Match.com rapist trial.

In case you missed it, Jeffrey Marsalis was acquitted of all the rape charges but found guilty on two sexual assault charges. (He's also facing rape charges in Sun Valley, Idaho, and was acquitted on similar Match.com rape charges last year. Wow, it's amazing this guy keeps getting arrested for crimes he didn't commit! Also, it's nice Match.com let him back onto the site.)

Byko's column even topped Christine Flowers' "those bitches had it coming to them" opus from the week before. (Flowers' column even warranted a second one, where she attempts to convince her readers she's right by belittling their intelligence. Also, the Duke rape case, which really has a lot to do with the Match.com rapist.)

Anyway, Byko's column about Marsalis was really an interview with Harry Jay Katz, his fellow senior citizen and one of the guys who frequently makes it into Dan Gross' local gossip column. Byko's column came from an old comedy axiom: There is nothing more hilarious than two old men joking about

In a post-verdict conference, Marsalis' attorneys referred to him as a "playboy." [...]

Katz says, "A playboy doesn't sit at his computer and go on Match.com. A playboy would present himself at a bar or a great restaurant in Philly or anywhere and take a look at the potential quote-'dates'-unquote he may pick up."

Using BS and lies and even liquor is fair. "Caveat emptor," he says.

"We have all pushed a woman into having that one more drink," Katz says. "Why? Because it loosens her up." [...] [The Judge] He owes it to the victims, and even to real playboys, to max out Marsalis.

Wokka wokka wokka! Yes. Let's sentence Marsalis to 20 years because any lesser sentence would be unfair to Harry Jay Fucking Katz, who pushes women to have an extra drink so he can take advantage of them! Ha ha!

More importantly, though, is the thought of Byko and Harry Jay Katz having sex. Look: Good for you, guys, You have sex. Congratulations. But don't tell us about it.

Editor's Note: The Match.com profile has been edited to protect the poor non-playboy's identity.

¹ If you're wondering why all my rhetorical questions seem to come in threes, there are two reasons: (1) A high school English teacher of mine always said they should come in threes, and (2) I'm a shitty writer who has to use rhetorical questions because he hasn't brushed up on The Elements of Style in a while.

² Donkey Kong likes Erin Esurance to wear a strap-on and assfuck him.³ Hey, who am I to question a fetish?

³ Dear God: Please let this be the first (and only) time this sentence has been written. Love, Dan.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:48 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Dick Pole Man Censored By Own Company

Hey, look, people did my work for me already: