May 31, 2007

Leftovers: Mercury Notification Rising

• No more Morey's tickets down the shore, the Wildwood piers owned by the Morey family have phased them out in favor of smart cards. Meanwhile, SEPTA is planning on changing to paper tickets any day now. [Citizen Mom]

• The School Reform Commission zzzzzzzzzzz. [Inquirer]

• You will soon be allowed to know if your dentist put mercury in your mouth! [KYW 1060]

• From a Bulletin letter to the editor, disputing a column advocating steps to combat global warming: "I wonder, Mr. Meyer, do you know the world use [sic] to be a lot warmer? Did you know Greenland was once green?" [The Bulletin]

• The NAACP filed a police brutality complaint against (who else) the police. Although the cops say they were assaulted, apparently six people have come forward to say they were beaten. Jerry Mondesire is involved, which means he's apparently tired of being the worst football analyst ever. [KYW 1060]

• Oh, yea, it was code orange day for ozone. Might want to... uh... do something about it. Stay inside I guess? I dunno. Damn you, O₃! [6 ABC]

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DJ Jazzy Jeff Releases Greatest Track Ever

DJ Jazzy Jeff released his new album last week. It's full of guest spots -- "Prince Paul approach to recording," Craig Lindsay wrote in PW -- and skits and pretty decent beats.

But the best track on the album is no doubt Track 7, "Practice," featuring J Live. Here is the opening to the song:

Click to play

It took almost five years, but somebody finally turned that Allen Iverson press conference into the best sample the recording world has ever seen.

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Road To 10,000 Losses: Replay, Replay

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With a4-3 loss to the Diamondbacks last night -- the last of a three-game sweep by Arizona -- the Phillies stand at 9982 losses, only 18 away from 10,000.

Hey, the Phillies played the same game they previously played against the Diamondbacks again! (Ow. That sentence made my head hurt.) Point is, though, last night's game against the D-Backs was pretty much the same as Monday's: Phillies trail by a run or two most of the game, let the game get out of hand late and then rally but lose in the end.

Monday, the Phils were down 3-1 going into the ninth. Ryan Madson gave up 2 runs. The Phillies scored three in the bottom of the ninth but lost, 5-4. Last night, the Phils were down 1-0 going into the eighth, Jamie Moyer stayed in to pitch and gave up three runs in the 8th. The Phillies scored three in the bottom of the ninth, but lost again.

Last night's goat was Michael Bourn, who pinch ran after Pat Burrell singled home Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bourn stole second on a 2-2 count with Ryan Howard at the plate pinch hitting. Howard lined the 3-2 pitch right to second baseman Orlando Hudson, in shallow right field with the "Howard shift" on. Bourn was running on contact and got doubled off second to end the game.

Of course, this team makes a lot of mistakes. A lot of stupid mistakes, mental ones, ones that shouldn't happen once a player gets to the, oh, I dunno, major leagues. An observer might call them "the stupidest team in baseball," but that would probably be a little nice. (Incidentally, "the dumbest collection of 25 individuals in history" is a bit harsh.)

But whatever. Shane Victorino is a guest DJ on XPN tonight at 8! Yes!

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'Phillymag', Starring: You!

This month's Phillymag contains an article about everyone's favorite city-sponsored blog, uwishunu, and the entire marketing of Philadelphia to the outside (tourist) world. It's also about Steven Wells going to Iceland, a guy finding an anvil in Chinatown and "Caroline Bean, a good-looking 26-year-old with a subtle diamond stud in her nose."

As such, it touches on the little Philadelphia soirée Philebrity and uwishunu held during South by Southwest in Austin earlier this year. And then there's a little jab at Philebrity's Joey Sweeney by Phillymag for appearing in an ad Phillymag's ad department came up with. And then there's this:

"[H]is recent appearance in a breathtakingly cheesy Philadelphia magazine advertisement supplement... had bloggers and other professional Philly haters on their knees thanking God for the material: "What a fucking douche," chimed one. "Welcome to the new millennium folks, where having actual wealth is no longer a qualification to be a 'power couple," said another. "Selling out is the new in."

Anyway, those comments by "bloggers and other professional Philly haters¹" are none other than three anonymous comments left on this February Philadelphia Will Do post! Gasp, I know. I know youse don't comment here all that much -- perhaps its my, um, acerbic wit -- but just look what you can get.

¹Are there other "professional Philly haters" other than bloggers/writers? If so, how do I get a job as one? I'm thinking I could just walk around Center City and tell people off, and then somebody could give me money. I mean, writing's okay and all, but if I could find a way to do fewer work than I am now, I'd jump -- well, slowly walk -- at the chance. Either that, or Phillymag has discovered the secret: "Daniel McQuade" is actually a copyrighted invention of Review Publishing and it's actually several guys writing this site, who are indeed bloggers and professional haters.

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Fish Turns Tables On Fisherman

One of the sad things about fishing is that the fisherman rarely get bit, except by mosquitoes or whatever. Wouldn't it be fun if every once in a while a fish jumped out of the water, wiggled right up to the fisherman ... and then died, most likely. But I bet it'd scare the fisherman.

Well, there actually are fish that will come over and bite a fisherman. It's none other than the creepiest fish in the world, the northern snakehead. This fish can live outside of water for long periods at a time and the young can move by wiggling across the ground.

And, at least in Philadelphia, the Northern snakehead can bite a fisherman.

Casting a plastic lure through layers of duckweed, he fishes for the Northern snakefish, an illegal immigrant from Asia that showed up locally several years ago and quickly took over.

"I went to rinse my hands off and the fish just up and took my two fingers down its throat," Lewandowski said. "And as I lifted my hand the fish just came about a foot out of the water and then released. "

"I just looked straight down the fish's throat," he added. "My heart was in my mouth!"

Ha ha, I was right! It would scare the hell out of a fisherman!

Local Fisherman: Snakefish Swallowed My Fingers [NBC 10]

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Allentown Hippies Safe From Bear Attacks

Breathe easy, stoners of the exurbs! You are now free to play disc golf without the threat of black bears.

A black bear -- not to be confused with a cougar, a coyote or a puma, other frequent ("frequent") area terrorists -- was seen in the Lehigh Valley area, eating out of bird feeders and scaring away salmon.

But tensions reached new heights when he was spotted on a disc golf course at Upper Macungie Park, leading a coalition of stoners, hippies and stoner hippies to protest for a bear patrol. Now they may play their impossible sport in peace.

Black Bear Caught Near Lehigh Co. Disc Golf Course [CBS 3]

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Yes, People Are Still Making 'Brokeback' Parodies

A group of Montgomery County College students won a county smoking-prevention contest; the ad the group made for the contest was slated to air on MTV.

Only, now it's not, because the state refused a grant for the ad because it's a parody of Brokeback Mountain. The state says it's not because of the content (or that Brokeback is almost two years old now) and actually because the "message was lost."

This is pretty tough to figure out:

The winning commercial shows a cowboy standing near a pickup truck, trying to sever ties with a cigarette. The commercial ends with the cowboy saying, "I wish I knew how to quit you. Why don't you let me? It's because of you I'm like this."

The cowboy shows his teeth, now brown from smoking.

Uh, yeah, this does seem like it could be a pro-smoking message. (Oh, the ad was also "hard to hear.") The ad, which wouldn't have stopped anybody from smoking anyway, might still air on TV if the Coalition for a Tobacco-Free Montco can get private funds.

You don't want to know what the ad based on Showgirls was like.

'Smokeback' ad will not air on MTV [The Intelligencer]

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Chase Utley® Trains With Myoplex™

I recently came across an interview with Phillies second baseman Chase Utley in April's Maxim magazine. Like most interviews with athletes in non-sports publications, it's basically just a chance for the athlete to plug whatever company is paying him to say things like, "The most important thing for any Phillies fan to do is bank with Citizens!"

See if you can guess which company sponsors Chase.

How do you stay in shape in the off-season? I mean, anything between workouts, diet, whatever. I take about a month off after the season is over, and then I start training. I train about four to five times a week all the way up to spring training, which is about 12 weeks or so. I use the Abbott Nutrition’s EAS [EAS is under the Healthy Living brands of Abbott Nutrition/Ross Products Division] Myoplex shakes. I've been using the EAS products for maybe three years, probably going on four now. I'm big into the Myoplex shakes.

Do you notice a difference with them?
I do. Well, for me they're easy and convenient. And they give me the fuel that my body needs, especially in the off-season. And they taste good.

Hmm. I think he endorses Powerade.

The Chase Is On [Maxim via The Zo Zone]

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Just Wait 'Til The Christians Attack 'Weeds'

Joe Murray is one of the Bulletin's more rational columnists, perhaps the only one. He's a conservative, but unlike other Bulletin columnists, he writes an argument and tries to convince you of his point. Shocking, I know.

Still, there are times when it seems like he hasn't quite done all of his homework. For example, yesterday he wrote a column about Bill Maher making fun of Catholics. Apparently, Maher made fun of Catholics on his HBO show and they (and other Christians) are such an oppressed group they can't do anything about it.

Or can they?

Christians constitute over 80 percent of the American population and could potentially have a great amount of influence over Maher's advertisers.

Yes, I am sure Home Box Office is really worried all of Maher's advertisers are going to flee.

Maher's Comments Draw Ire Of Religious Groups [The Bulletin]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Hey guys, I know you already decided what to do at 6th and Market, but how about I make a suggestion now?

Stu Bykofsky: A guy who was a City Councilman for over a decade won the mayor's race, so that means people picked an outsider!

Ronnie Polaneczky: I like breaking into hospitals.

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May 30, 2007

Leftovers: That's Using Your Head

• Evolution of headlines today regarding one Malekah Rankins, who allegedly abducted her seven-year-old son from school today: "Estranged Mother Kidnaps Child", "Abusive Mom Takes Child From School" and now, thanks to NBC 10, "Abusive, Bipolar Mom Kidnaps Boy From City School." I can't wait to find out what descriptor she'll have next. [NBC 10]

• A small dog in New Jersey may have been killed by a coyote! Only, no, not at all, the wildlife commission says. But somebody said it was a coyote so it definitely is. [AP/Philly.com]

• Apparently a student at Valley Forge Military Academy stabbed another student. [6 ABC]

• Your mid-class trip to New York just got a bit more expensive. Chinatown bus, here we come! [AP/CBS 3]

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Catch The Spelling Bee Before The Philadelphia Contestant Is Eliminated! Oh, Too Late.

Today is the first day of the National Spelling Bee, and as usual A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Agois liveblogging the proceedings.

If you were tuning in hoping to see Philadelphia's lone contestant, Fahmida Sarmin (representing the Philadelphia Tribune), you're out of luck. No word on how Sarmin did on the written portion of the test, but on her lone oral word she spelled "privilege" incorrectly and didn't qualify for the third round.

It was a bit of a lost cause, anyway. Not to knock Sarmin, but she was the contestant from Philadelphia. I'm surprised lightning didn't hit her on her way into the competition room.

But it looks like Philadelphia's circle of losing extends even outside the city limits. The contestant representing the Intelligencer (Doylestown) spelled garbled "garbbled," the Express-Times (Easton) contestant spelled notarize "notorize." Meanwhile, the person representing the Pottstown paper got the word bonbon in Round 2. Three Pennsylvania contestants advanced to Round 3, including Micah Walter from the West Chester Daily Local.

On the plus side, I decided against my original idea to spell a bunch of words in this post wrong. Now all the errors are my own stupid mistakes!

A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

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Famous Adulterer Could Possibly Play For 76ers

Local boy and Lakers guard Kobe Bryant talked with Stephen A. Smith for Smith's Inquirer column today, and apparently he wants out of Los Angeles. (He later re-iterated this demand more succinctly on Stephen A.'s radio show -- which is, naturally, on in New York.)

Management said they were trying to win now and so Bryant signed a big contract, but apparently the team is in rebuilding mode. So could Kobe Bryant be headed back to the city that boos him?

Chicago? New York? Philadelphia, perhaps?

"Keep talking," Bryant quipped. "Anything sounds good right now with the way I'm feeling."

Great! Now if only the 76ers had a marketable six-foot guard they could package for him. Er.

Stephen A. Smith | Bryant fires back at Lakers [Inquirer]

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Road To 10,000 Losses: Back To Normal

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With an 11-5 loss to the Diamondbacks last night, the Phillies stand at 9981 losses, only 19 away from 10,000.

It's nice the Phillies know how this thing works. After thumping Atlanta in a three-game sweep this weekend, the Fightins have promptly come home and lost two straight to the Diamondbacks. The Phils are now 26-26, back at .500. With 42,000+ Monday night and 27,000+ last night, Phillies fans have returned to their doom-and-gloom ways. The Phils are now 8 games back of the Mets in the NL East.

Ryan Howard almost got hurt last night, too. While the Phils were down about 59-6, Howard dove for a grounder and came up limping. It's just a cramp, however, so Ry-Ho just wasn't drinking enough water or something. Meanwhile, backup catcher Rod Barajas is hitting .213 with a .361 slugging percentage. Chris Coste is at Double A Reading.

Bobby Abreu, however, has apparently aged 40 years overnight and is having the worst season of his career. "Finally, the Abreu envisioned by Tampa Bay when it traded him for Kevin Stocker shows up," Jeff Passan wrote. Unfortunately for the Phillies, the man they traded Abreu for, Matt Smith, has an 11.25 ERA and is in the minors. Ryan Franklin has a 0.90 ERA for St. Louis. Oh, and 2006 first round pick Kyle Drabek is on the DL.

Blah blah blah 75 wins blah blah blah Charlie Manuel blah blah Pat Gillick blah blah Chris Coste blah blah DL blah blah bullpen blah blah Dollar Dog Night blah blah.

It's amazing how quickly a Phillies fan's opinion on the team can shift, eh?

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N.J. Fitness Czar Comes Too Late For Tony Soprano

New Jersey's health commissioner recently formed the Office of Nutrition and Fitness, hoping to add yet another level of bureaucracy in the state. (KYW 1060's David Madden even reported the move "[s]ounds like more bureaucracy.")

But Health Commish Fred Jacobs said the move was recommended by a state panel that studied obesity. Apparently, the new fitness czar is going to tell kids to eat better and exercise more. Then the kids are going to see about 45 ads on TV for Xbox 360 and sugary cereals and continue to eat on the couch.

He also wants to do this:

Jacobs is also considering a call to include a child’s body mass index ("BMI") number on his or her report card, but he admits there would be legal, social, and privacy concerns to address first.

Yeah, I am sure that is going to go over real well.

NJ Health Commissioner Forms State Fitness Office [KYW 1060]

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Terrorist Raccoon Eats Symbol Of National Pride

Aw, remember the eagles at the Navy Yard? They had formed the first nest in like 700 years or whatever and were all set on having a happy eagle family right near where the Eagles play. They'd be, like, unofficial mascots!

Well, now they're dead. Well, okay, only the potential eagles -- eggs, I suppose -- are dead, and the eagles are gone. Although I suspected a jealous Swoop for the crime, investigators now suspect one or more of the eggs hatched, but the little eaglets were eaten by a raccoon.

Obviously, right? They already have the little Repo Man masks. The eagles may return next year, so the Navy Yard won't be able to be developed or something. Now we just have to do something about the raccoon problem.

Eagles nest at Navy Yard has failed; officials suspect predator ate eaglet [Inquirer]

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Sen.: Philadelphians Aren't Paying Enough For SEPTA

State Senator Roger Madigan, who is from Bradford County, Pa., yesterday angrily demanded SEPTA raise its fares.

In Bradford County, all the residents have cars and drive around on roads paid for by the state and federal governments. SEPTA does plan to raise fares 11 percent on July 1 (tentatively), and will raise fares like 300 percent unless the state kicks in $100 million to close a budget gap for the cash- and quality-strapped transit agency.

Madigan, though, did say that "SEPTA has made a decision that could significantly hinder efforts to build consensus on new funding, given the fact that the legislature has clearly indicated that transit users have to be part of any funding solution."

Get ready for $5 fares coming later this year!

Senator critical of SEPTA's delay in raising fares [Inquirer]

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Local Dog Issued Execution Reprieve

The Philadelphia area's most famous dog might get a reprieve from his death sentence after all! It's good to know we now treat dog executions with more media scrutiny than human executions.

First, the background: Ozzy is a seven-year-old German shepherd who attacked a little boy last month. Later, he bit an animal shelter employee. A judge ruled he was going to be put down, but apparently he has a ton of backers, including Rage Against The Machine, who held a benefit concert for Ozzy. Celebrities all over have been holding "Free Ozzy!" signs at rallies all around the area.

Ozzy now has a stay of his execution, due to an appeal by his owner. But now the George W. Hill Correctional Facility wants to use Ozzy to patrol the grounds, sparing him from death. The Philly.com screenshot with this post pretty much sums up everything else with this story.

Job for Ozzy at Delco prison? [Daily News]

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One Fare To Rule Them All

Click To Play

There's finally video of Ed Rendell's impassioned Lord of the Rings defense of SEPTA, where he also advises the SEPTA board members to not be bought off for 12 pieces of silver. (This advice received an ovation, natch.)

You know, there have been other popular movies since Lord of the Rings. Yet Rendell (and Rick Santorum before him) continue to quote the film like it just came out. The last chapter came out in 2003! Sure, they could have read the books, but it's not like those are recent, either, and Rendell directly references the movie before his little spiel.

Also, despite the LOTR movies taking place in a land called "Middle-earth" -- which is apparently earth, but well before our time -- Rendell describes our heroes as inhabitants of the "Western world." He also says, "Their leader was a fella by the name of Aragon."

Gollum later made an impassioned speech calling SEPTA's current rates "my precious."

Gov Rendell Invokes Lord of the Rings to Save SEPTA [Blip.tv]
May 25, 2007: Rendell: Without New SEPTA Funding, We Will Have Flooding For 27 Days And 27 Nights
Oct. 18, 2006: Santorum Looking To Nab Crucial Nerd Vote

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Jill Porter has the day off.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Shameless Self-Promotion 05.30

There are two -- two! -- items by yours truly in this week's PW. Don't get excited, neither of them are any good.

• I wrote about that new alt-rock station, Radio 104.5, as well as Skin Radio (the alt-rock station on AM) and Y-Rock on XPN, Y-100's stepchild.
• And I do that Cultural Report Card thing in the front of the paper every week.

Yeah, I've been forgetting to do this every week, so you've had to actually open the paper (or www.phillyweekly.com) to get your Dan McQuade fix. Well, I'll probably forget again, so get used to it.

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May 29, 2007

Leftovers: Back Into The Swing

• The eagles -- as opposed to "Philadelphia Eagles" -- in Philadelphia couldn't even build a damn nest correctly. [AP/Philly.com]

• Teamsters: Still boycotting Yuengling. [AP/Inquirer]

• N.J. residents can now search the pensions of everybody in the state system. Hooray! [Camden Courier-Post]

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Road To 10,000 Losses: A Giant Sweep

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With a 5-4 loss to the Diamondbacks last night, the Phillies stand at 9980 losses, only 20 away from 10,000.

Well, well! The Phillies finally started playing some good ball over the weekend, sweeping the Atlanta Braves and improving to an improbable two whole games over .500. The Phils beat Atlanta 8-3, 6-4 and 13-6 in the sweep, their first of the Braves on the road since, like, they were in Boston.

The Phillies lost last night despite a furious ninth-inning comeback that had last week's goat, Rod Barajas, fall a few feet short of a game-winning homer in the bottom of the ninth. The Phillies might have been in a better position if Charlie Manuel had pinch hit for Freddy Garcia in the bottom of the sixth, since the Phillies had the bases loaded and 1 out with the pitcher at bat. Garcia grounded into a double play, but did pitch two more scoreless innings.

The Phils could use wins in the next two nights to win another series before Barry Bonds and the Giants come in this weekend. Also, in an Inquirer story on why members of the Phillies wear certain numbers, Adam Eaton revealed himself to be totally awesome:

“It was the only one that looked remotely interesting. I had 21 in Texas. They gave me 53 in San Diego. You don’t buy numbers from older guys, so I wasn’t getting 21 here. Plus, my number is free. Why spend money? No, there’s really no significance to my number. But I could create some. Let’s see, 53 was my first number in the big leagues. Two and 3 equals 5. Three is the second number in both numbers. Two plus 1 is three. So you can have people draw their own conclusions. Everybody asked why I was 21. Well, five minus 3 is 2. Three minus 2 is 1. It was a progression. And it was available.”

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'Bulletin' Paragraph Of The Day

Shortly thereafter, I bought my first issue of Playboy. And things got interesting.

On The Trail Of Something [The Bulletin]

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'Inquirer' Soon To Be All Cheesburgers, All The Time

I know that you probably thought there couldn't be anything on Philly.com better than Craig LaBan's "Cheeseburger, I Hold" video, but it has most certainly been topped.

It has been topped, of course, but Craig LaBan's Sunday story ostensibly about the writing of the song "Cheeseburger, I Hold.".

The song was made in collaboration with Phil Roy, who you may remember from the time he made DigPhilly/NBC 10 writer Teresa Masterson cook dinner for his guests.

But mostly, the LaBan piece reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Philosophy of Composition," an essay about the writing of "The Raven," if only "The Raven" were about cheeseburgers.

Burgers in his belly, and a song on his lips [Inquirer]
May 25: Philly.com Annoying Us In New Ways Every Day

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And We Still Have Five More Months Of This

The election isn't over, Philadelphia! That's the message of ineligible mayoral candidate Sanjaya Larry West, who announced today he had joined the Green Party and would seek their mayoral nomination at tomorrow's meeting. It's becoming more and more apparent Larry West is an art-school prank or perhaps the new host of Punk'd.

Apparently Kerry Foster, the presumed Green Party candidate, didn't get the 2/3 vote required to win the mayoral nomination, so Larry West wants to get on the agenda for the Green Party's meeting and then get some party backing for his ineligible mayoral run. "I've been talking to Brian Rudnick, the Green Party Candidate for the 8th Council District, and he really supports this!" Larry's release says he said.

Larry's also attempting to change the law so that he can actually legally run for mayor. He wrote to City Council but only Frank Rizzo responded and he didn't help. But now Larry's met a lawyer, and he's ready to change the world, or at least Philadelphia's minimum age of 25 to run for mayor.

Trust me when I say this; In the next few months, this is not only going to become one of the biggest issues in Philadelphia, but this will happen sooner than later! If your [sic] reading this and wondering what you can do, please CALL CITY COUNCIL AND COMPLAIN!!!

Lest you think Larry West's mayoral candidacy is a stunt or annoying, let's turn to Phillyblog, my favorite source for commentary on anything:

I think its great that a 22 year old is running for mayor. This 22 year old could get people interested who otherwise would not be. I would rather see a 22 year old run for mayor and be serious about it than be serious about drug dealing or smash and grabbing or other felonies.

I remember when I was 22, and my choices were either (a) deal drugs and smash and grab things and other felonies or (b) run for mayor. I'm so glad I chose (a).

In other news, Larry is also selling Larry West for Mayor greeting cards.

Ineligible? NOT FOR LONG! [Larry West for Mayor Blog]
Reload this Page Mayoral Candidate Larry West to go for Green Party Nomination [Phillyblog]
March 6, 2007: Green Party Running For Council DIY-Style

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The Shore: So Tacky It's Awesome

There's an Associated Press story in Metro today about all the different rules the different South Jersey shore communities have. In Wildwood, for example, camels are banned from the beach. Mayor Ernie Troiano: "Our beaches are as wide as a desert, but you won't find any camels on our sand." Hopefully, that is Wildwood's new motto.

Meanwhile, in Surf City you can't dig deep in the sand because the township isn't sure if the unexploded munitions found on the beach were all removed.

"How can you tell a kid not to dig in the sand?" asked Faith O'Dell, who lives near the beach in Surf City, where most of the old fuses and such were found. "It's their nature; it's what kids do. And when your kid says, 'Why, Mommy, why can't I dig in the sand,' what do you tell them, that they could blow themselves up?"

Yeah, that's exactly what you tell 'em. You say: "Don't dig in the sand, son, or you'll die." Scare 'em into submission. But while some were lamenting the munitions found on the beach, one entrepreneur was loving it:

Presiding over a busy cash register, a jubilant Joe Muzzillio, owner of Exit 63 Wearhouse, reported his best Memorial Day weekend ever.

"It was definitely busier than usual for me," Muzzillio said. "I came out with these T-shirts that I can't keep on the racks."

Muzzillio motioned to a display of shirts printed with "Surf City Bomb Squad," "Surf City's a Blast," and "I Got Bombed in Surf City" – which cost $8.99 to $14.99 and came in various styles, including a cute pink camouflage style for women.

Wait, did he do "I Got Bombed in Surf City"? Oh, oh, he did.

Thou shalt not [AP/Metro]
In Surf City, the goal was to have a blast [Philly.com]

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Dear God Please Somebody Give Milton A Radio Show

From Michael Klein on Sunday:

Erstwhile mayoral and City Council candidate Milton Street walked into WYSP-FM studios Wednesday to inquire about a talk-show host's job. Guard slapped a visitor's sticker on him, and off he went. The Barsky Show spotted him in the halls and pulled him into the studio for a chat on 94.1 about the mayor's race and solving the murder problem.

Doesn't every minor celebrity in the world have a satellite radio show? I'm pretty sure Milton's a big enough name to get one of those. Or maybe he can start a podcast. Oh, if only it could be as groundbreaking as Phillyfeed¹!

¹ I just went to the Phillyfeed website and apparently it's sponsored by Bundy Computer, where my friend recently bought a typewriter at.

Radio activity [Inquirer, 3rd item]

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Kids In Haddonfield Are Disgusting

According to a column this weekend by Monica Yant Kinney, here's what happened at a March party of teenagers in Haddonfield:

• Somebody took a dump on the piano.
• Somebody "loaded a Super Soaker with urine and sprayed everything in sight."
• Guys ejaculated onto stuffed animals.

Sounds like a good time, huh?

Later, somebody downloaded photos off of Facebook or whatever and sent them to the mayor and schools chief of Haddonfield. They showed Haddonfield High students "so proud of their partying, so unconcerned with reprisal, that they put hundreds of images on the Internet." (Nobody tell Monica Yant Kinney about Facebook or Flickr or Myspace or even Yahoo! Photos.) Anyway, now these kids are forever immortalized in a slideshow the mayor's bringing around to tell people kids drink and how he was "blown away by the boldness" of the photos.

I always thought that when people have parties, photos are taken. And now with digital cameras, instead of prints of 18 year olds playing suck and blow, there are digital photos of 18 year olds drinking. But no matter. This should all blow over soon, thanks to these stellar ideas to stop kids from drinking:

Ideas are trickling in - such as no-cut athletics (to keep high school students from having any free time for crime) and a coffeehouse teens can call their own (to get them hooked on a legal stimulant).

I can't wait 'til next year when Haddonfield's caffeine-addicted high schoolers go 0-27 in basketball due to their 53-person roster.

Monica Yant Kinney | Haddonfield teens going to extremes [Inquirer]

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Heroic Circuit City Clerk Revealed

The identity of the heroic New Jersey Circuit City employee smart enough to hand over a jihad practice tape to the opposing team, i.e. the police, has finally been revealed! Brian Morganstern appeared on CNN's American Morning today and told all about his decision.

The two men who brought him the tape to transfer to DVD in late January 2006 seemed like ordinary customers, and he did not know if he should breach their privacy. He wasn't even paying full attention to the video until he saw things that were troubling.

"It was more of a moral dilemma at that point," Morganstern said on an interview Tuesday on CNN's "American Morning."

Do you mean to tell me that big box store employees actually care about their customers' privacy? Please. If it was a bunch of people practicing for a porn shoot that tape would have been copied in five seconds.

Anyway, the dude doesn't feel like a hero, choosing to label soldiers and cops as "real heroes." He's got his media savvy! Of course, now that he's identified, it's only a short matter of time before Michael Smerconish invites him on the radio so he can talk about how great profiling is.

Store Clerk Discusses Foiling Fort Dix Terror Plot [AP/CBS 3]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Curtis Jones owes like a billion dollars to people. He forced someone to sell horses. He'll make a great councilman!

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May 25, 2007

Road To 10,000 Losses: #@@$&(#^#!!!

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies' 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With a 5-4 loss to the Marlins last night, the Phillies stand at 9979 losses, only 21 away from 10,000.

The Phillies lost again, dropping their record to 23-24 and once again failing to improve to better than .500. But they way they lost it was distressing. Shall we do a little recap?

• Phillies got on the board early and led 2-1. A Jeremy Hermida two-run double put the Marlins on top, but the Phillies tied the score on a J-Roll sac fly in the top of the sixth. Oh, yea, and before that the teams almost got into a fight. Both benches cleared, supposedly somebody on the Marlins threw a punch, but nothing major.
• Miguel Olivo tripled to lead off the bottom of the 6th. Joe Borchard grounded right to first-baseman Chris Coste -- who scored on the sac fly earlier. Coste fired it to Rod Barajas, who had Olivo out at home. Then he swung his glove over lazily and Olivo kicked the ball out and the Marlins regained the lead. Yes, Rod Barajas made two terrible plays at the plate in consecutive games.
• In the top of the 8th, Chris Coste walked. Michael Bourn pinch-ran for Coste, who went 2-for-3 in his first start of the season. Pinch hitter Greg Dobbs doubled, and with no outs, third base coach Steve Smith sent Bourn home. He was out by a mile. Shane Victorino then singled to score Dobbs and tie the game.
• The game ended up going to extra innings, of course, and the Phillies loaded the bases in the top of the 11th but didn't score anybody. The Marlins won in the bottom of the 11th.

I apologize if I got any of that wrong, but it was a bit of a frustrating game. Plus it's 3:30 on the Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend.

After the jump, the beginnings of a bit of a trend.

Reader Burt Rublin did some nice work, perusing Daily News accounts of Phillies games earlier this season and noticed a bit of a trend:

April 13--During Friday night's game, in which the Phils were mounting a comeback from an 8-3 deficit, the team had pulled to within 8-6 by the eighth inning. Shane Victorino singled and Chase Utley walked, putting the tying run on base with no outs. Ryan Howard then laced a base hit to right field, and Smith waved Victorino around third. Astros right fielder Luke Scott charged quickly and made a perfect throw to catcher Brad Ausmus, who endured a collision with Victorino and held onto the ball. With no outs, Smith's actions left him open for second-guessing. "I told myself I was going to be aggressive and get things going," Smith said. "You tell these guys to play the game and don't overdo it, and I overdid it." Wes Helms then hit into a doubleplay to end the rally.

May 4--The Phillies ran themselves out of a possible run in the sixth when, with two on and no out, third-base coach Steve Smith sent Ryan Howard from second base on Rowand's single to centerfield - a similar scenario to Bonds being held at third in the seventh by coach Tim Flannery. Giants centerfielder Dave Roberts has a lousy arm, but Howard, a lumbering runner at best, is still hobbled by a knee sprain suffered April 18. Second baseman Kevin Frandsen's relay came in plenty of time, and Howard was out. "It's a judgment call," Manuel said. "The second baseman made a helluva throw." Wes Helms then grounded into a doubleplay, third to second to first.

May 24-- Last night, the Phillies' disappointment could be directed at third-base coach Steve Smith, who might have cost them the lead in the eighth. With no outs, pinch-runner Michael Bourn was on first, replacing Chris Coste, who had walked after collecting two hits in his first start. Pinch-hitter Greg Dobbs ripped a drive to rightfield off reliever Matt Lidstrom. Hermida gave chase. Bourn paused at second base, in case Hermida caught it. He did not catch it. Bourn turned on the jets. With no outs, with runners at least going to be on second and third, Smith waved Bourn home. Oops. Bourn was out by four steps.Smith looked to the heavens, spread his arms, looked into the dugout and patted his chest with both hands, taking responsibility for the error in judgment. "Fucked up," Smith said later. "No outs. Caught up in it. Adrenaline going. The fight. I made up my mind before."

Hmm. I have an idea: Let's never send anyone with no outs again unless the ball was hit over the fence.

The Phillies play three in Atlanta this weekend. A sweep would put them two behind the Braves for second in the NL East. Uh, yeah. Hey, somebody told me I should be more optimistic.

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Rep. Cohen Lays Down The Law On Phillyblog

The statement before it was about someone having sex with Jannie Blackwell, so in this case I'd have to agree: Phillyblog is not for that type of discussion. I don't know if anywhere is, really.

Getting a job in Blackwell's office? [Phillyblog]

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Fear & Loathing: The Mile-Long Club

Each Friday, a PW intern who would -- for obvious reasons -- like to remain nameless, shares her experiences working at Franklin Mills.

This week, I spent 45 minutes listening to my coworker have phone sex with her imprisoned boyfriend (as opposed to her live-in boyfriend, her baby’s daddy and the girlfriend that she “platonically” makes out with every weekend).

After one-handed sexcapades weren’t enough to satisfy her boo, she put the horny little prisoner on speaker phone so that she could use both hands to feel herself up – in the middle of the store. I can only assume that this was per his request. (I would also assume that this sort of thing would unnerve most customers, but since Franklin Mills is riddled with debauchery, people passed by without so much as a second glance toward the salesgirl moaning in the middle of the mall.)

When I realized that she’d moved from just talking about sex to actually... doing stuff, I decided that this was the ideal time -- perhaps the most ideal time ever in the history of timekeeping -- to beat the half-broken CD player until it functioned well enough to drown out phrases like “Which finger are you using?” and “Are you tweaking or biting?” After smacking the damn thing with a ruler for five minutes, the CD player, through some magical electronic miracle, regained the ability the play music. I praised the Retail Gods.

I then discovered the only disc in the entire store was "NOW That’s What I Call Music 5" -- which includes such lyrically and musically brilliant tracks as “Lucky” by Britney Spears and "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)" by Aaron Carter. I cursed and seriously considered breaking the CD in half and using the sharp edges to slit my wrists.

The evening culminated after they finished phone fucking, when my coworker and her boyfriend simultaneously put on “The Reason” by Hoobastank and sang aloud to each other.

I wish was exaggerating this, but unfortunately, this was just another typical night at the Mills.

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Rendell: Without New SEPTA Funding, We Will Have Flooding For 27 Days And 27 Nights

SEPTA met yesterday to pass a budget, and Ed Rendell decided he needed to quote Lord of the Rings to show how serious this is:

"A day may come when the courage of men fails!" Rendell's Aragorn told a startled-looking SEPTA board of directors. "But it is not this day! This day, we fight!"

Later, Rendell went even further back in written history by quoting the Bible, although he got the number of apostles confused with the number of pieces of silver Judas betrayed Jesus for:

"Don't let them buy you off for 12 pieces of silver!" Rendell said, abandoning "Lord of the Rings" for his own interpretation of Judas' betrayal price, which was actually 30 pieces of silver.

"Dig your heels in!" Rendell exclaimed. "Hold your ground!"

I'm a little unclear as to who, exactly, is betraying whom here, but one can only assume this will culminate in the crucifixion of someone or something, most likely SEPTA. Transfers? Who needs transfers?

Guv urges SEPTA board: 'Don't settle!' [Daily News]

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A Worse Way Than I-76 To Get To Work

Not content to carry simply trash and whales, the Schuylkill river picked up another object recently: A new car!

Well, it's probably not new, but a car was spotted underwater around near the Falls Bridge. NBC 10 says there's no indication anyone is in the car. (Police checked anyway, since, y'know.) There weren't any signs of the car sliding into the river near the banks, so the only logical explanation is there was hundreds of thousands of dollars buried under a big 'W' and some kid said the stream was shallow. (Or, if you wish, Bart Simpson said it.)

Police Investigate Vehicle In Schuylkill River [NBC 10]
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World [Wikipedia]

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HBO Getting A Little Desperate For Viewers

Ha, HBO! I won't fall for your chalk marketing on 11th Street for your upcoming TV show John From Cincinnati!

Oh, wait, I guess I just did. Dammit!

John From Cincinnati [Wikipedia]

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Philly.com Annoying Us In New Ways Every Day

If you've visited the front page of Philly.com in the last few days, you've no doubt heard the auto-loading video from Craig Laban about cheeseburgers.

Laban keeps his face blurred in the video so local restaurateurs can't hunt him down and murder him for giving them just one bell or whatever. His profile, though, kind of looks like Don Imus. What if they're the same person?!

The automatically loaded song about cheeseburgers follows the Michael Nutter advertisement before the election on Philly.com's website. It's all part of Philly.com's strategy to drive people away from the website and back to its hard copy newspapers.

"Cheeseburger, I Hold" by Craig Laban [Philly.com]
May 10: Get Off My Computer Screen, Michael Nutter

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: People might be allowed to sing in public!

Elmer Smith: Paul Vallas says, "Councilman Goode took me to the woodshed about the connection between dropouts and the murder rate." Wait, Wilson Goode did what?

Christine Flowers: Scorpions! Like in Pitfall!

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May 24, 2007

Leftovers: Bono And The Liberty Medal

• Jon Corzine gave his union boss ex-girlfriend $6 million after their relationship ended, because she knows where the bodies are. [Camden Courier-Post]

• Bono to receive Liberty Medal, possibly have giant wooden frame dropped on him. In other news, Mayor Street has "been following [U2] over the years." [KYW 1060]

• Councilman Juan Ramos -- who lost in the Democratic primary for his At-Large seat -- has quietly introduced a bill allowing Sugarhouse Casino to proceed with construction. Also, according to a photo on the PlanPhilly website, his giant disembodied head is floating over the construction site, warning all who come near. [PlanPhilly]

• Blah blah blah crash I-95 traffic snarled. [CBS 3]

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Mayor Al Dabbling In Poetry

Republican mayoral nominee Al Taubenberger has updated his website, and it appears he's attemping to capture the public's votes using some type of experimental poetry.

Keep it up, Al! You can call it a neo-sonnet and campaign on better funding for the written arts in public schools.

MayorAl 2007

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Meet America's Next President

Just like the Philadelphia mayor's race had Queena Bass and Jesus White, the U.S. presidential election next year will also have its share of wacky candidates.

Actually, it'll have a lot more, and we already have a somewhat local wacky candidate! Meet Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, the presidential candidate from Point Pleasant, N.J.

Sharkey also ran for Minnesota governor in 2006, but his campaign was derailed when he was arrested on felony charges from Indiana. (One of the charges had apparently been dismissed before but nobody noticed.) He's even already filed to run for president. Reporter Tristan Schweiger:

His platform also includes harsher punishment for criminals specifically, impaling terrorists, pedophiles and rapists. And he would certainly be the first person of his particular religious beliefs a Sanguinary Satantic vampyre and Hecate witch to hold the highest office in the land.

"You want the criminals to live in fear, then put somebody in who's going to scare them. Not someone who they're going to mock and laugh and say, 'Don't forget your Geritol!"' said Sharkey, 43, of Point Pleasant, who is also a professional wrestler.

One-hundred and seventy people have already applied to run for president in 2008, according to the FEC. Our Point Pleasant impaler had this to say about religious freedom: "As president, that's an impaleable offense. You're getting impaled if you discriminate against someone's religion."

Despite his progressive ideas, Jonathon hasn't attracted much support. The first comment to the story about his candidacy:

This is sick. I've been a witch my whole life, and one of the very first things we're taught is never to hurt ANYONE, for whatever reason.

Of course, this guy identifies himself as satanist, which is a sort of opposite christian thing. Calling your average witch a satanist would be like calling your average catholic a member of the KKK.

He doesn't represent ANY witches, no matter what he says.

'Impaler' looks toward White House [Camden Courier-Post]

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