March 31, 2007

Week In Will Do: The Beginning Of The End

• Have you heard the big news? Philadelphia Weekly is being sold! And it's going to be sold to... uh, we dunno! Brian Tierney? Village Voice Media? Comcast? You? Who knows! Ha ha!

• The mayor's race heated up this week, too, as a record number of teachers showed up to announce they didn't want to vote for any of the five Democratic candidates. In other news, there are a boatload of new ads on the teevee.

• But! It was City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown who made the biggest news of the week, as she introduced a bill requiring Philadelphia tour guides to be licensed. And, surprise, there will be an application fee and a fine levied against unlicensed tour groups.

• In other City Council news, Jim Kenney knows how to blog and Donna Reed Miller owns a horse.

• Another beloved politician, Rick Santorum, will be making documentaries to show us (1) how much "radical Islam" hates us and (2) how we're all immoral deviant sinners. Ooh!

• And the greatest politician of all time, Milton Street, is no longer entertaining. Sigh.

• Kal Penn, aka Kumar from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, is the newest professor at the University of Pennsylvania. How do you feel, adjunct professors getting $3k a class?

• Meanwhile, the Evening Bulletin's Ed Kelley railed against government waste by complaining about a gold coin program that will surely make the government millions.

• The Theater of Living Arts will soon be renamed Fillmore Philadelphia and be part of a tremendous new chain. But, on the plus side, whee, free apples!

• And, most importantly, in Bristol, McDonald's is opening the first of its new upscale restaurants. Yes. McDonald's new upscale restaurant. Noodle on that one for a while.

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March 30, 2007

Leftovers: John Street Saves City

• Ooh! John Street's plan to stop violence is to get volunteers. Remind me to not go outside ever. [MyFox Philly]

• Two-hundred and seventy-one people entered the Courier-Post's "dress up a peep" contest. Hm. [Courier-Post]

• Students named Penn one of the top 10 most desirable colleges in America. Parents, however, said they wanted nothing to do with it. Translation: Decent school, not worth the money? [KYW 1060]

• Oh, and look who got in on the cutout heads bandwagon? [Fight For Room 215]

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One Man's Obsessive Dedication To Improving The Career Of One Local Traffic Reporter

Selected offerings from the blog of one Gionni, which appears to contain all posts about Dorothy Krysiuk:

Dear Producer,

My wife and I find the transition from Sue to Dorothy, a bit generic or boring. Allow me to explain. My wife favors Dorothy Krysuik a whole lot. Myself and her staff of 30 people agree. So we all made a game out of this similarity to see if my wife can dress exactly like Dorothy everyday, down to the shoes. So every morning myself (1), my staff of 50, my children's teachers (4), my wife (1), her parents (2), my parents (2), and my wife's staff of 30 watch the traffic to see how the roads are but also to see what Dorothy is wearing. We began this game when the transition from Sue to Dorothy started with a full view of Dorothy and then panned in. I believe it was around March 2006. It was very exciting because when these 90 people would see her during the course of the day, the universal response would be "Oh my God. She even has the same shoes" Everyone loved it. Can you please go back to the full view and then pan in to Dorothy.

Maybe like Vanna White, Dorothy could walk across the screen pointing out exactly what is going on. ... All of us her in Center City thank she deserve her own 10 minute segment. She could probably do a special on the Septa fiasco in West Philly's El construction. Now that’s traffic news that has been a nightmare and concerns forever.... She could be the traffic equivalent to Dave Schratwieser, investigating and solving traffic issues like necessary speed changes, stop signs, lights, or dangerous curves. I believe this will make a difference in saving lives in the long run.

Dorothy should do a special on the Septa fiasco in West Philly's El construction on Market streets from 46 through 63 street. Now that’s traffic news that has been a nightmare and concerns for almost a decade... Dorothy’s guest should include home owners and business owners that were immediately effect by the construction, or lack of construction, and a panel of City government to explain what is going? “What is the problem” ask Antyhony Jones ,who owns a business and three properties on Market st. His business has suffered from the day constrution started. He eplains how he has made several attempts at getting answer, so far no one has been able to deliver. How about it Dorothy !!

I feel Dorothy can broaden her horizions, and not be just another face standing in front of a screen, showing us traffic. Rather reporting on continuos traffic nightmares and danger areas. I ask you, if you noticed people falling out of a door due to a lack of steps, would you report everyday that someone else fell, or would you hold a panel to see how you can get steps built? How many countless morning traffic reports did Dorothy do on accidents and deaths on Roosevelt Blvd? If she had gone that extra mile to report why accidents and deaths were happening, the cameras would have been installed 5 or 6 years ago. This would have saved 9 or 10 lives. I think she can be more aggressive like Kerri Lee, if she plans to be around once her beauty begins to fade.

And, finally:

In her abrupt absence from the morning traffic report, people have been speculating a possible pregnancy. After all, she is technically newly married and has no children as of now. I must admit when we last viewed her on Good Day, she seemed a bit giddy. I can only imagine the absence is due to possible morning sickness. If she is, in a family way, Kudos’ and Congrats. Remember you heard it here first.

Oh.

Wow.

"Word on the street" reported by Gionni [MyFox Philly]

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Ignorant Tour Guides Fight Regulation

Yesterday, City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown introduced a bill in city council that would require the city's tour guides to be certified yearly. Reynolds Brown, didn't specify what the penalty would be for running an unlicensed tour, but I assume it's torture.

Today, the Inquirer gets the reaction from the city's best historical figure impersonators, including Ralph Archbold, aka Ben Franklin. Archbold says he cringes when he once heard a duck boat driver refer to an old-timey guy as a pirate. Oh no! The tour driver on the tour where riders get quacking whistles to blow the entire time isn't entirely accurate!

Reynolds Brown defended the measure by saying "cities like" Williamsburg, Va., and Savannah, Ga., have these laws. Then she revealed the penalty: $300. Yep, it could be a law in Philadelphia to run a tour company without a license. Oh, and there's an application fee, too. Of course there's an application fee! The money to pay Reynolds Brown doesn't grow on historical trees!

The Inquirer's Julie Stoiber also has some key background details:

Brown became interested in the issue after receiving a letter from Ron Avery, a retired Daily News reporter who now gives tours, in which he complained about clueless guides.

"In this city anyone can be a guide - even if they just stepped off a train from Minnesota and could not find Broad Street with a map," he wrote.

Apparently, Ron Avery isn't familiar with the American Dream, that one day a little boy can grow up and move from Minnesota via train and become a tour guide in Philadelphia right away. And one tour company, Centipede, Inc., has a 34-part manual for guides to study, as well as a three-hour test with questions like: "In what ways has Philadelphia been important in the field of medicine?"

But it's tour guide Camilla Beuchat who gives perhaps this most honest view:

"I'd love to be forced to learn more than I already know," said Beuchat.

Tell me about it. I can't even read a book unless somebody forces me to do it.

Should city tour guides be licensed? [Inquirer]
Yesterday: City Council To Improve Citizens' Lives Again

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Whole Foods Sweeps 'Gay News' Awards

The Philadelphia Gay News unveils its first-ever "Pink Penny" awards in this week's issue, a feature that apparently celebrates the best of Philadelphia in approximately 5,000 categories. It took the paper this long to figure out that if you do a "Best Of" issue, there's a chance other newspapers will write about you, therefore getting you attention.

Okay, I actually counted 148, which is even more than the number of murders so far this year in Philadelphia (99 at last count). Of course, there's some overlap in these awards, so naturally there are a few repeats, but the number one winner is most definitely Whole Foods, which took first place in three (3) categories: Free samples (grocery store); Best supermarket to cruise for young, hottie queer women; Catering dinner for 12. The first category went to both Whole Foods at 2001 Pennsylvania Ave. and 929 South St.; the other two only went to the South Street location.

I think my favorite category is "Tourist trap to take your out-of-town family (whom you don’t like)," which naturally goes to Ride the Ducks. Though I guess I would have gone with Super Ducks for the Milton Street factor.

Pink Penny Awards [Philadelphia Gay News]
Related: Stop The Duck

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The Incredible, Edible Bob Brady

Knox has been having those spaghetti dinners for a while. Maybe Bob Brady can't match that, but he certainly could give out "Bob Brady" pretzels. Or maybe he can get "BRADY" spelled out with cheesesteaks? Quick, somebody call Geno's!

Pictures [Bob Brady Works]

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Deconstructing The Mayoral Ads

In recent weeks, there have been a couple new mayoral candidate ads popping up during the news and Jeopardy! I haven't mentioned them much before, so I figured I'd do a thorough analysis and fact check of each commercial make fun of them after the jump.

Dwight Evans

Evans actually has two ads, although the one above is the one I've seen the most. (The only thing I have to say about his other one, "Walked the Walk," is I'm impressed the Philadelphia Weekly font is done correctly.)

The ad above shows a little boy walking onto a bus with a table. After that, it goes from reality to fantasy world. When junior here carries Dwight Evans' metaphoric table onto the SEPTA bus, the driver simply looks at him a bit quizzically. In real life, the driver would instruct him tables are banned from SEPTA buses during rush hour, then knock off one of the legs -- we'll say it's Dwight's "parents and communities teaching young people right from wrong" -- and beat the kid with it.

Michael Nutter

Instead of attacking other candidates right now, Michael Nutter goes after John Street. Nutter also got that evil announcer guy to do the voice. But I really, really like the photo of John Street the best. Not only does he appear to have a front painted on his face, but the red pixelation of the photo makes him look like a James Bond villain, or maybe a communist.

Bob Brady

Bob Brady's latest ad, which appears to have the backing music -- music? really? -- right out of an NBC Olympics heartwarming featurette, is actually pretty awesome. There's the music, and there's the fact Bob Brady appears to be speaking in a basement hallway.

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Possible Reasons Holy Family University Decided To Sponsor The Phillies Ballgirls This Season

• Holy Family is the Phillie Phanatic's alma mater
• The expanding college is installing a satellite campus inside Harry The K's
• Catholic charity for such a bad, bad baseball team
• Honoring the school's longtime president with a giant hot dog and butterscotch krimpet just wasn't enough
• Hot Phillies ballgirls to be associated with college with high female population in minds of 12-year-old boys
• New study revealed 75 percent of college applicants make decision based on zany sponsorships
• Phillies ballgirls are actual Holy Family graduates, and this was the best job they could get (rimshot)

Southwest Airlines customers returning from Florida to receive surprise welcome from Phillies on Friday [Phillies.com]
April 17, 2006: 'Good Day' Finally Lands The Biggest Mascot Of Them All

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Online Ticket Sales Allegedly Now Safer

The Pennsylvania House has passed and sent to the Senate a law which gives buyers recourse if they buy tickets off a scalper and they're fake.

Some reps didn't want to vote for the bill, since it "legitimizes an underground economy" and blah blah blah. The bill is not for the fake Ticketmaster tickets guys sell outside of concerts at the Wachovia Center, but for people who get the incorrect seat from an online purchase. In order to give the buyers recourse, businesses selling tickets on the Internet must have a physical presence in Pennsylvania, ha ha hahahaha.

He doesn't say it, but I'd bet Buxco State Rep Tommy Tomlinson passed the bill after getting totally ripped off on some Third Eye Blind/Ben Folds tickets.

Pa. Senate Votes To Regulate Tickets Resold Over The Net [KYW 1060]

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How's The Shore? Oh, It's Great Do-KABOOM!

A mile long stretch of beach in Surf City, N.J., has been closed down by totally uncool regulators trying to stop kids from having fun this summer. Oh, and they also found unexploded munitions.

The bombs date back to World War II and were discovered by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers in sand that had recently been pumped onto the Ocean County beach. The beach was immediately closed and now the beach might not be re-opened in time for Memorial Day weekend.

Authorities have posted danger signs at the beaches and blocked off the entrances. Security guards patrol the area around the clock.

“It’s like walking into a landmine,” said Sonny Mack, one of the security guards. “We make sure they stay out. If it wasn’t my job, I wouldn’t be out there.”

I think Surf City needs to use this as a marketing tool. You market it as a giant fun park where you're blown sky high by antique munitions, charge $10 to get in, and the town'll be rich in no time.

N.J. Beach Closed After Explosives Found [NBC 10]

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NBC 10 Continues To Set Bar Higher And Higher

Man, I must have done like every drug ever last night. Or this is real. I don't know which one is scarier.

Dress Your Favorite Anchor For The Prom [NBC 10]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: College should be cheaper.

Christine Flowers: SOULS!

Jill Porter: Much like Dhani Jones was arrested for dancing, some dude was arrested for singing in Rittenhouse Square.

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Decisions, Decisions

Yesterday, 5:01 p.m., inside a Gmail Talk box:

me: oh my god

Friend: ?
me: erin o'hearn is filling in on abc and kerri-lee halkett is on fox
WHO DO I WATCH
Mike: oh man
picture in picture
me: you always know the right answer

Kerri-Lee Halkett [MyFox Philly]
Erin O'Hearn [6 ABC]

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March 29, 2007

Leftovers: Casino Capers

• Ha ha, casino operators! You want to take our income via slot machines? Well we're just going to zone you out of the entire city using old laws meant to stop nightclubs from annoying us. Huzzah! [Metro]

• After spending $1,400 on meals in the first six months in office, freshman Buxco Rep. John Galloway will return all that cash because he ran on a platform of government reform. It's good to know everybody falls into line after a few days in office. [Bucks County Courier TImes]

• This year, the Phillies will have vegetarian options available for fans at Citizens Bank Park. And a majority of the cups and other resources will be biodegradable. The Phillies, however, will still most likely disappoint. [NBC 10]

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Jim Kenney Has This Blogging Thing Down Pat

Say what you will, but I think Councilman Jim Kenney has totally embraced blogging the way it's supposed to be done. Good show.

What [Comment by James Kenney, YPP]

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Bristol Residents To Remain Full, Fat

A McDonald's is opening in Bristol. This isn't just any McDonald's, though, it's the first "Starbucks-like" "upscale" McDonald's in the Philadelphia area.

(Please note, if you were asked, "Where will the first upscale McDonald's open in the Philadelphia area?" and you answered "Bristol," I'm impressed.)

The store will replace an existing McDonald's, and will have more space and be more like Starbucks. I'm not quite sure how this works, but apparently Americans have tired of eating fatty foods in disgusting restaurants and want to do it in a little nicer place.

Although the new McDonald's will be larger, the burgers will remain the same size -- and remain fatty:

Councilman Joe Szafran took issue with the location of a Dumpster on the property, which the restaurant agreed to shroud in shrubbery. Szafran also wondered aloud about the nutritional content.

“You going to get rid of the trans fats?” he asked.

McDonald's officials laughed at the question but did not respond.

Ha ha, you puny humans and your desire to not die of heart disease.

McDonald's to build upscale restaurant on Bristol Pike [Bucks County Courier Times]

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Record Number Turn Out To Support No One For Mayor

The city's largest union, the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers, met last night to vote on an endorsement for mayor. The PFT is the city's largest single-employer union, with 15,000 members living in the City of Philadelphia. It also has a reputation for mobilizing volunteers, holding phone banks, registering voters, etc.

So the endorsement's pretty important. And 7,800 members showed up to vote en masse and pick the candidate they think would do the best job. Usually the vote attracts about 25 percent of the members; this time almost half showed up.

And everybody got together for mayor and picked the candidate who will do the best job:

For the first time since 1971, the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers has opted not to endorse a mayoral candidate in an open primary after a majority of members who cast votes in a referendum said that's what they wanted. [...]

That was the choice for 2,418 members, nearly a third of the 7,799 who cast votes. It was more votes than garnered by any of the six candidates.

Whoo! The 2007 mayor's race: Can you feel the excitement!

Teachers vote to endorse . . . no candidate [Inquirer]

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TLA Renamed Fillmore Philadelphia

Starting April 27, the Theater of Living Arts is no more. Instead, it's Fillmore Philadelphia, the newest in a soon-to-be House of Blues-ish chain of Fillmore theaters across the country. (Irving Plaza in New York will be renamed Fillmore New York. Live Nation owns both venues.)

And who's the opening band at the new Fillmore? Why, it's Todd Rundgren, of course!

The new chain will take a few good feature from the original Fillmore, i.e. a free basket of apples at the front door of every show. (Healthy living! No trans fans!) But, uh, to me, this sounds a little TGI Friday's:

On top of the significant renovations that the venue underwent last year, hardwood floors are being installed, the walls will be painted a deep red hue and three large chandeliers will shine light on vintage posters, pictures and newspaper articles recounting legendary live music performances.

Aw, pretty soon we'll have our very own little triangle of corporate rock right in Center City: Hard Rock Cafe, House of Blues and Fillmore Philadelphia. But, ah, hardwood floors you say?

TLA renamed Fillmore Philadelphia [phillyBurbs.com]
Todd Rundgren to Play Inaugural Concert at Newly Re-Named Fillmore Philadelphia [PRNewswire]

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City Councilwoman's Deep, Dark Secret

I'm still kind of confused by Stu Bykofsky's Daily News column this morning. His column revealed that Councilwoman Donna Reed Miller has a horse in her backyard.

This wouldn't be all that weird if she lived at, say, a horse track. But, no, Miller lives in Germantown. And has a horse. In her backyard.

Amazingly enough, city law doesn't forbid horses, mainly for the reason that, ah, almost nobody owns a personal horse in this city. You can't have farm animals -- "any chicken, goose, duck, turkey, goat, sheep, pig, cow" (cow? —ed.) -- but horses aren't considered farm animals.

It's actually Miller's husband's horse, but she declined to let Byko talk to him. But, of course, this isn't the only time Byko has dealt with Miller.

Miller reminded me that I had called about a pony in her back yard 10 years ago. I had completely forgotten that.

The Shetland pony named Shera was a pet for her daughter Shakira, I reported at the time. The loyal pony was getting old and probably was going to be sent to the slaughterhouse.

So not only does she own a horse now, but the last one she owned she probably had sent to the slaughterhouse.

Stu Bykofsky | Hoofing it to G'town to nag a pol (again) [Daily News]

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Terry Ruggles Picks Up Mascot Monday Ball

It's been a while -- since July! -- that Fox 29's Good Day Philadelphia featured Mascot Monday, and since the hosts who started it (George Mallet, Kerri-Lee Halkett, Jennaphr Frederick) are all on different shows now, it appears Mascot Monday is dead. (I think this is the seventh or eighth Mascot Monday epitaph on this website.)

Don't fret! NBC 10's Terry Ruggles has answered the call for a new Mascot... uh, Day:

Good show. Now all we need is Bill Henley to join in.

NBC 10 Anchor Boogies With Phillie Phanatic [NBC 10]
Archives: Mascot Monday

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Lawmakers Think They Suck As Much As We All Do

With America pretty much failing at every war it decides to join nowadays -- Iraq, Afghanistan, drugs, literacy, obesity, etc. -- it appears lawmakers have decided to, much like the rest of us, give up.

Case in point: The new bipartisan proposal asking Americans to pray every day. Nothing wrong with praying every day, but when the head of the Congressional Prayer Caucus, J. Randy Forbes, says he wants to "build a spiritual prayer wall around America" that will not stop "until God heals our land," well it appears Congress has outsourced illegal immigration to God.

(Well, how else do you explain the "spiritual prayer wall"?)

There's even a website, prayercaucus.org, where one can sign up to pray for America and hope God's able so solve all the problems in the world since politicians obviously can't.

Of course, since this is Congress asking us to pray, I expect the United States to be destroyed by a giant flood in the next couple of days.

Lawmakers want Americans to pray 5 minutes each week for the nation [Camden Courier-Post]

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City Council To Improve Citizens' Lives Again

Pop quiz: What laws, exactly, has City Council passed in the past, say, two years? If you're like me, you can think of four:

• The smoking ban, banning smoking in all bars, except the ones that applied for a waiver, yet banning smoking at all outdoor cafes.
• The trans fat ban, giving the city's restaurants a year or so to stop cooking with trans fats.
• The ban on blunt-style cigars and any other object that could be conceivably construed as marijuana paraphernalia. (This one was thrown out by the courts earlier this month.)
• And, finally, a law helping old ladies cross the street

Can you think of anything else? Not me. (Council overrode the mayor's veto last week, but it was about pensions.)

Well, there's a hot new law coming out of City Council, and you're gonna love this one.

Because Philadelphia has managed to solve all its public education problems recently, it's now moving to take on something a little more serious: Stupid tour guides.

Yes, Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown will introduce a bill requiring, essentially, licensing of tour guides in Philadelphia. (So no more of that underground, edgy tour guiding.)

Reynolds Brown wants to end the tradition of tour guides telling people Ben Franklin is on top of City Hall, Thomas Jefferson invented the light bulb and William Penn played defensive back for the Eagles in the 1950s.

To get licensed as a tour guide, workers would have to pass an annual history test, but then would be given some sort of button or sticker they'd be forced to wear so visitors would know this person had passed a simple civil service-esque test. Also, if you pass the test a few years in a row, you can wear all your buttons, in addition to buttons you brought from home. There will be a 12-piece minimum of pieces of flair for all tour guides starting next year.

The TGI Fridaysization of Philadelphia continues.

City Tour Guides May Soon Have To Take History Tests [KYW 1060]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Oh no we need the elephants at the zoo or else my children won't be able to stop the liberals!

Stu Bykofsky: City Councilwoman Donna Reed Miller has a horse in her backyard in Germantown.

Phil Goldsmith: Who's in charge in this city? Nobody knows!

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Well, That's One Way To Get Out Of A Ticket

Sources told NBC 10 yesterday a Philadelphia police officer is under investigation for sexually assaulting a man he stopped for a traffic violation.

This news came just a day after police officer Thomas Gitto was arrested for rape for allegedly having sex with a teenage girl for a year and and a half. The other police officer is simply being investigated, but police sources say the man is in the 92nd district and engaged in a sex act sometime after pulling a man over.

The male occupant of the car told the police later after the incident and gave them some type of evidence. I don't think anybody wants to know what that evidence was.

Police Sources: Traffic Stop Turns To Sex Assault {NBC 10]

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March 28, 2007

Apologies For The Afternoon

No, I haven't already been fired; there were some technical difficulties that prevented me from posting (or fixing the typo in the headline of the previous post) this afternoon.

Also, two members of my party died, another has cholera and then a thief stole our last bullet (above), so we can't shoot pixelated deer for food. I don't even know if I'm going to have enough to take the toll road at the end. I'll be caulking up the wagon all night!

I'll be back tomorrow.

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Camden School District Lays Off All Dead Employees

Hey, remember when a Camden school was charging kids to attend field trips even though the Board of Education paid for the trips in full?

Well here's something a tiny bit better. Auditors hired by the state reported in January the school district had been paying people to teach after they had died. The district denied this charge yesterday, saying it was simply due to sloppy record keeping.

However, to make sure it doesn't happen again/never happens, the school district has a plan:

The names of dead employees will be removed from the payroll database within 24 hours of notification.

Problem solved.

Camden schools: No dead people paid [Inquirer]
Did Camden Schools Rip Off School Kids? [1010 WINS]

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Rick Santorum To Get Fat, Make Movies

It may be hard to believe on some levels, but despite losing his U.S. Senate seat to Bob Casey, Rick Santorum still got 1.6 million votes last November.

That's a pretty sizable audience for the former U.S. Congressman, which only means one thing: Cha-ching! And what better way for a candidate losing a high-profile election to get back into the race than by making a documentary?

Yes, Santorum is hoping to capitalize on the success of such recent documentary filmmakers as Michael Moore, Al Gore, whoever made Spellbound and other filmmakers not pompous enough to put themselves in their own movies. The ex-Senator told the Allentown Morning Call (duh) he is planning on releasing not one but two docs sometime in the future. And as we all know from Gore's and Moore's recent efforts, Santorum must all gain approximately 150 pounds in order to really make a good documentary.

Both films are still in the planning stages and don't have the necessary funding (yet). His first documentary, planned to be about an hour long, will look at the relationship between radical Islam and the "radical leftists in various countries around the world," because the left really wants the whole world to live under sharia law.

The second doc will "change the culture of America." I expect to be moving to Virginia and sending my seven kids -- I'll also have to, uh, find a wife to pop those babies out -- to a cyber charter school in Pennsylvania after seeing this film.

"Politics and political dialogue has some impact on America but changing the culture has a much bigger impact," Santorum said about his new role outside the public sector and his push to make documentaries. "That is what the left is doing and doing it in a big way, producing a lot of left content for Hollywood, and even not just out of Hollywood. Even independent films are now more and more left-wing driven, whether it is Michael Moore or Al Gore."

Hmm, yes, let's pick two random independent ("independent") documentaries... hmm... ahh, yes, here's two random choices: The docs made by Al Gore and Michael Moore. See, the left is making every indie film nowadays!

Moore, Gore... and now Santorum? [Allentown Morning Call]

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'Metro' Breaks Superman's Identity

Dude, Chris. You're supposed to put the Superman garb under your button-down shirt. Otherwise what's the point of even having a secret identity?

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Ugueth Urbina Moves From 'Pen To Pen

Former Phillies reliever Ugueth Urbina -- who the Phils got for 2006 ALCS MVP Placido Polanco two years ago -- has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for his part in a machete attack two years ago.

And by "for his part", I mean he was found guilty of five attempted murders, illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition for taking justice into one's own hands.

As you may remember, Urbina, 31, was accused of attacking five men with a machete after throwing gas on them back in November 2005. Urbina simply said he saw them using his pool without permission, then went to sleep.

Despite all this, well, I'm a little worried about the bullpen this year, and I think the Phillies could really use a guy like Urbina. Does anyone know if the Phils can spring him from Venezuelan jail?

Report: Urbina sentenced to prison in Venezuela [ESPN.com]
Nov. 8, 2005: Breaking: T.O. not worst athlete in town

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Milton No Longer The Great Entertainer He Once Was

Everyone's favorite candidate for City Council, Milton Street, was in a New Jersey court yesterday answering charges he failed to pay parking tickets from the 1990s. And, as the Daily News' Wendy Ruderman points out, the public was ready for the show to begin.

The appearance of Mayor Street's colorful older brother in Moorestown Municipal Court caused a stir among fellow scofflaws.

"I expect him to have some choice words for the judge," said Kathleen Noon, 47, who was in court for a speeding ticket. "I hope I'm still here when he goes up."

I don't think it's a stretch to say there's a good chance people intentionally broke traffic laws on the streets of Moorestown in order for the chance to go see Milton Street's show. Cop stopped you for speeding? It's okay, you might get a chance to see the Milton Street in court. Although it isn't likely the show would be as good as his song-and-dance show on March 1, it'd be a Milton Street stand-up appearance nonetheless.

Well, no dice. Milton didn't do anything yesterday except mumble a few words to the judge after being admonished for letting these tickets sit for over a decade. Ol' Milty agreed to pay a $678 fine and went on his way, telling reporters he was glad it was over. "It was nagging... It was like a big hemorrhoid," he said to the press.

Aw, c'mon, Milt! That's no way to act as the Greatest Candidate in Philadelphia Political History. Where are the references to Watermelon Man, the prop coffin, the heartfelt singing? This is simply unacceptable. Once you become the Greatest Candidate in Philadelphia Political History, there are responsibilities you have to uphold. C'mon, Milt!

Just the ticket for meek Milton [Daily News]

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Al Gore To Play Philly, Antarctica

Back in 2005, our fair city of Philadelphia hosted the United States' edition of Live 8. It went off without a hitch, shocking in a city of such incompetence such as ours. And since Live 8 went so spectacularly well in this city -- Anna Nicole Smith's appearance backstage notwithstanding -- it appears we're now going to host Al Gore's Live Earth.

Roger Friedman, FoxNews.com columnist, reported yesterday Live Earth is headed to Philadelphia on July 7 with The Police as a headliner. Dan Gross seconded the report today, bringing up the small fact that The Police are playing a concert at Citizens Bank Park show 12 days later.

The original Fox News report also said The Police would be playing RFK Stadium in Philadelphia, which is either (1) the actual RFK Stadium, in Washington, D.C., or (2) JFK Stadium, the site of Live Aid that was torn down in 1992. Gross also interviews people involved with the Linc, the Cit and the Commerce Department, who all deny any knowledge.

The concert is supposed to be on all seven continents, which means there's actually going to be a concert in effing Antarctica. Maybe The Police can play that and we can get somebody important to play here, like The Hooters.

Dan Gross | Live Earth to play Philly? [Daily News]
Madonna, Rolling Stones Set for U.K. Live Earth [Fox News]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:52 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Carol Towarnicky: "Let us pray for the hundreds of thousands who face losing their homes because of predatory lending practices. We hope that Congress will find a way to help them. Amen." No, really.

John Baer: You go to clear the streets with the army you have, not the army you want.

Jill Porter: Now people who have their houses stolen might be able to get them back.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Soldiers To Receive Care Package With Useless Flag

Yesterday was, apparently, Philadelphia Flag Day, which celebrates the flag people see and go, "Huh?" They do this, of course, after seeing the Pennsylvania flag and also going, "Huh?"

The blue-and-yellow Philadelphia flag has been around for 112 years, but yesterday was the first ever ceremony celebrating it, because we Philadelphians usually have better things to do than go around celebrating flags we never really see. (I mean, even if you decided to fly a Philadelphia flag, most people probably wouldn't know what it was anyway.)

But they had a nice ceremony yesterday, you could win a free flag and a soldier got leave from the Army to come home and get the first flag. And, also, he's not the only one of our brave fighting men being helped:

The nonprofit organization Partners for Civic Pride is working to help school children send 100 "Philly flag packages" to local soldiers serving in Iraq.

The Philadelphia flag better just be the wrapping paper for bars of chocolate. Or, y'know, body armor.

Ceremony Marks 112th Anniversary of Philadelphia's Flag [KYW 1060]

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March 27, 2007

Leftovers: Yell, Yell, We Won't Sell

• Polls find find 70 percent of drivers are opposed to leasing the turnpike. 40 percent "strongly oppose," as who-operates-the-turnpike is an issue that turns brother against brother, sister against sister, and so on. Let's hope we can settle this without bloodshed. [Inquirer]

• The U.S. Secretary of Agriculture came to the Reading Terminal Market yesterday to speak about changing the name of the food stamps program. No, really. [KYW 1060]

• Remember when Barney's announced it was opening a Barney's Co-Op back in October? Well, apparently, now they really really announced it. Well, how do you explain it? [Inquirer]

• The beloved Germantown High teacher who had his neck broken by students is recovering and is speaking out against the student who injured him: "I am so angry at him." Ya think? [6 ABC]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:41 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Breaking: Brady On Ballot, Appeals Surely To Follow

Breaking! Exclusive! Must credit... uh, the actual reporters who did the work.

The Next Mayor blog is reporting Bob Brady's campaign said the judge has ruled he's on the ballot.

Appeals from Tom Knox's camp are surely next; so hold tight people, we still might not have Bob Brady to kick around anymore. The race is on!

Brady stays on ballot [The Next Mayor]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Justice For Two Days Or So

Has it felt weird this month? Have you felt that Philadelphia's prisoners were doing maybe just a little better? Well, apparently, it's Justice Month!

Indeedy, and just in time for the end of Justice Month, we're having a kick-off party! Or at least the founders of Justice Month are finally getting a proclamation for their service. From the A-Space newsletter:

An exciting weekend is in store for the Philadelphia region and the Justice Community.

On Thursday, the 29th, Philadelphia City Council will present Larry Robin and Judith Trustone, co-founders of Justice Month, with a copy of Resolution No. 060651 declaring March as "Justice Month." Room 400, City Hall, 10:00-12:00.

Then we can actually worry about prisoners... until April 1, where America's citizens will return to their normal stance of "as long as it's not me being fucked in the ass, I don't care"/"they deserve to be tortured." Sigh.

The full newsletter is after the jump.

An exciting weekend is in store for the Philadelphia region and the Justice Community.

• On Thursday, the 29th, Philadelphia City Council will present Larry Robin and Judith Trustone, co-founders of Justice Month, with a copy of Resolution No. 060651 declaring March as "Justice Month." Room 400, City Hall, 10:00-12:00
• Friday night, March 30th at 7:00 pm features the Public Safety Initiative by L.I.F.E.R.S., Inc. at SCI Graterford opening the evening's TOVA performance of "Holding Up: A New Prison Legacy" exploring the connections between fathers, sons and husbands locked up in prison and the children and women left behind to maintain family and community. At Broad Street Ministry, 315 S. Broad St. Free.
• This is a premier event opening the conference the next day, March 31st, on alternatives to prison, "Locked Up: Keys To Prison Change" with a powerful list of presenters including Sister Helen Prejean, author of Dead Man Walking and The Death of Innocents, civil rights activist, Angela Davis, author of Are Prisons Obsolete? And Abolition Democracy, Devon Brown, Director, DC Department of Corrections, and Kay Harris, Department of Criminology, Temple University. Moderator for that panel will be will be Reggie Bryant, Host, "In Pursuit of Truth" on WURD 900 AM radio. (Judith Trustone will be a guest on his show Wednesday afternoon, the 27th at 3:00 pm.)
• In addition to our stellar panelists, there will be music provided by Byard Lancaster, Ron Forrest, LA recording artist, Sheree Brown, and others, and Sonia Sanchez will honor with a special poem, three elders, Queen Mother Nana Ama Akofo and Annie D. Hyman of PASCEP, and Emily Rollins of Bridgeway, At Broad Street Ministry, 315 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia. Registration at 8:30 am. Suggested donation: $25 which includes lunch. Awards at 2:00 pm.
• Hot off the press!!! The 2nd edition of the critically acclaimed Celling America's Soul: torture & transformation in our prisons and why we should care by SageWriters Director, Judith Trustone, and seven prisoners. Available for $19.95 (checks and money orders only) from SageWriters, Box 215, Swarthmore, PA 19081 or charge at Infinity Publishing at www.buybooksontheweb.com or www.SageWriters.org or call 610-328-6101 for more information. Will also be available at the conference.
• Sunday, April 1st at noon, there will be a rally at the Liberty Bell to amend the 13th Amendment to remove the clause that maintains prisoners as slaves. This will be a national springboard for efforts to end slavery in America led by Tom Big Warrior of the Red Heart Warrior Society and Richard Tut Carter, of the Chester Human Rights Coalition.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Philadelphia Will Do, Even More Watered Down

As you may have read elsewhere, it appears Philadelphia Weekly is for sale. In case you can't tell by the PW logo at left, the countless links to Philadelphia Weekly and the domain "philadelphiaweekly" in the URL, this blog is a part of Philadelphia Weekly.

We -- and by "we" I mean "I" -- don't know much about any potential sale, as the guys on the other side of the office have apparently kept everyone hush-hush about the whole situation. I pretty much know as much about the potential buyers as you do. Maybe Ron Burkle will buy the paper! (Remember him?) Maybe the Inquirer and Daily News unions will chip in to buy ol' P-Dub? How about you? Do you have money? Do you want to own a newspaper?

The first thought that popped into my head was, of course: New Times. (The chain renamed itself after buying the Village Voice; it's now called Village Voice Media.) This is a newspaper chain whose executive editor told The Phoenix: "I expect original reporting[,] not merely some lazy form of print blogging." This gives me some hope; if he doesn't want lazy blogging in print, maybe he wants lazy online blogging. And it takes hard work to get this lazy. You can't just plug in anybody for laziness like this.

Then, this morning, there was this bombshell from Dan Gross (after the jump):

Informed observers speculate that Philadelphia Media Holdings, which owns the Daily News and Inqwaster, is among bidders for the Philadelphia Weekly, which has quietly gone on the market.

"All I can say is no comment," PMH CEO Brian Tierney told us yesterday when asked if the company was bidding on the paper. A recent Inqwaster report said that nondisclosure agreements were signed between Review Publishing, owner of PW, and potential bidders.

Gasp! Philadelphia Weekly needs to be preceded by a "the"? Are you sure? I think it's more natural to do without it. For my money, "is among bidders for Philadelphia Weekly" sounds better than "is among bidders for the Philadelphia Weekly." Right? Apparently this is how Metro staffers refer to their paper, too. (They call it "Metro", not "the Metro" or "the Philadelphia Weekly." Why they'd be calling their paper Philadelphia Weekly is beyond me.)

Oh, right, the other thing. Indeed! Fresh off saving money by laying off workers and buying several private jets, boats and islands with the savings and the Phillycars.com hip hop ad campaign, it appears Brian Tierney and the rest of Philadelphia Media Holdings are looking for more newspaper adventures.

Hmm... Philadelphia Will Do owned by the guy who owns the Inquirer. I wonder... hmm, okay.

As you may know, the Inquirer recently launched Inquirer Express, "the most convenient way to get your news." In order to impress our new possible corporate overlords, I've compiled a new edition of Philadelphia Will Do, Philadelphia Will Do EXPRESS, which summarizes all the top stories on PWD summarized from other media outlets and tosses them into one convenient package. Click to enlarge.

If you'll look here, I think this combines the things Philadelphia Will Do is known for -- puppies (aww), Milton Street, Kerri-Lee Halkett, the word "fuck," lame jokes about not-so-funny headlines, self-deprecation, Northeast Philly -- and the best of corporate media: Giant ads for a bank. I also included the Cash 5 results in this pilot edition, because, y'know, lots of people play the numbers.

As you may have seen, newspapers -- say, oh, I don't know, let's just pick two at random here, the Inquirer and Daily News -- have tried everything they can to sound edgy and hip and young and with it, in the process sounding neither edgy nor hip nor young nor with it. I believe the font the word "EXPRESS" is in contributes to that cause nicely.

And, much like how the Inky Express is on the back of the sports section -- today, it's Section E -- I've made PWD Express equally easy to get to with the convenient URL. Yay!

Business business [Inquirer, 2nd item]
Could PMH be purchasing PW? [Daily News, 2nd item]

Posted by D-Mac at 03:30 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

Milton Street's Dream One Step Closer To Reality

In order to combat the city's rising murder rate, Police commish Sylvester Johnson and other police brass will be patrolling high-crime areas for four hours a week.

The Daily News article notes there will be 300 police officers on the street attempting to stop homicides. Perhaps it will work. But I'm in favor of the plan because it's getting us one step closer to making elected officials walk the beat, which then would make us one step closer to Milton Street's plan to deputize the entire city. Citizens on Patrol here we come!

Top cop, captains, others to patrol streets [Daily News]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Dog Thief To Get Reward In Well-Lit Area

On March 16, a dog was stolen in Port Richmond. The headline calls the doggy a "special-needs canine companion"; he's a companion for a boy with spina bifida.

So the dog was stolen, and the family put up posters offering a $50 reward for the dog if he was returned. Then, a phone call.

There was no mistaking what the caller wanted when he phoned him and his father, Joe Kelly.

"He right away said that he did have my dog and that he was looking to return it, but he wanted to know what I was able to give him as a reward," the father said. [...]

"I can take this dog and sell it to people who want to use him in fighting-type situations with other dogs," Joe Kelly said the caller told him.

Yes, criminals are now holding dogs ransom in order to get money for crack or something. And the family wants its dog back so much the guy might actually get his money! But, don't worry about the fam, they'll be safe.

NBC 10's Doug Shimell said the Kellys told him they would not take any unnecessary risks, like meeting someone in a dark alley, but they said they feel like they have to do something.

Yes, I too tend to try to avoid situations where I'm in a dark alley with someone cracked out enough to hold a dog for ransom.

Special-Needs Canine Companion Apparently Held For Ransom [NBC 10]

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In Philadelphia, Everyone's A Thug Nowadays

When writing about crime, it's apparently officialy Daily News policy to use the word "thug" as much as possible. ("Punk" also works in a pinch.)

I'm not quite sure why. "Philadelphia thugs murdered a woman today." Do we really need a pejorative to describe the men who murdered someone? Isn't saying they murdered someone enough? Apparently, though, it's not just murderers and rapists who enjoy the thug life:

Since November, investigators said, they've counted at least nine vehicles stolen from garages used by the Marriot Courtyard, across from City Hall, the Kennedy House apartment building on John F. Kennedy Boulevard near 19th Street, and various other valet lots.

Cops said it is common practice for current and former downtown-garage attendants to either rent out the cars to their friends in outside neighborhoods, or to just joyride in the vehicles, while customers are at work or out on the town. [...]

So far, police said, they've nabbed two thugs out driving the cars stolen from the Marriot garage at 12th and Filbert streets. Officers found one man cruising around North Philadelphia. The other was caught driving in Maryland.

I can't wait to see what gets the thug