April 03, 2006
Made Possible With A Grant From Taxpayers Like You
Yesterday's Philadelphia Inquirer -- or "The SUNDAY Inquirer" if you get that weird early edition -- had a fronted a city story about Rep. Mark B. Cohen, a state legislator since 1974. Turns out Cohen's gotten a little too comfy in his slot, since he spent $28,200 of taxpayer money on books last two years.
The paper reports that in 2004 and 2005, Cohen actually spent more himself than the four schools in his legislative district. He bought over 800 books, which would equate more than a book a day. Some of the books purchased included Clinton and Me -- a book we can only assume is a sequel to Marley and Me -- Preachers of Hate: Islam and the War on America.
Cohen defended his book bill -- as well as his $3,050 magazine and newspaper bill -- by saying this: "I try very hard to be informed on current events. I'm holding myself to standards of excellence. I'm interested in knowing whatever I can about national issues. National issues affect Pennsylvania, and Pennsylvania is part of the nation."
Wow! Pennsylvania is part of the nation? I bet he learned that from a book! The Inquirer even asked this "voracious reader" for some book suggestions, and he said Stupid White Men by Michael Moore (for liberals) and Who's Looking Out for You? by Bill O'Reilly (for conservatives).
So, despite acquiring over 800 books in a two-year period, Rep. Cohen still hasn't bought himself any taste.
Some of you may be wondering why Cohen has been able to bill over $20,000 in books the past two years to the state. I'll tell you why: He needs them to represent our community! For example, two of the books he purchased were AOL For Dummies and The Zen of Gambling.
Let's do a little legislative fantasy and figure out how these two books helped Mark B. Cohen do his job...
"Order! Order!" yelled the Speaker of the House, John Perzel, banging his gavel on the table, breaking the conversation going on before the meeting of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives.
"We have a problem, gentlemen," Perzel said as everyone began to quiet down. "There's only a million bucks left in the state treasury, and we're going to be out of money in a week!"
Suddenly, a loud bang interrupts the silence. In runs Rep. Mark B. Cohen, voracious reader, holding up his taxpayer-purchased copy of The Zen of Gambling.
"I've solved the problem," Cohen yelped. "Thanks to this book, I bet a bet on George Mason making the Final Four!"
"How much did you bet?" asked Perzel.
"The entire state treasury!" he replied. "We'll be flush with cash until 2050!"
The representatives cheer, except for one Vince Fumo, sulking in the corner.
"But I still can't figure out how to download porn on AOL," Fumo says. "We'll never be able to finish this legislative session."
"Fear not!" replied Cohen, pulling out his copy of AOL For Dummies. "With this book, there'll be enough porn for every man, woman and child in the entire commonwealth!"
"Three cheers for Mark B. Cohen, voracious reader!" said Fumo. "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!"
"Pay raises for all!" said Cohen as he was carried out by his fellow state representatives and serenaded by the singing parrot so much loved by Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll.
Posted by D-Mac on April 3, 2006 12:18 PM
Posted to Books
, Horrible Fiction
, Mark B. Cohen
, Politics As Usual
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Posted by: John at November 18, 2007 09:38 PM