March 31, 2006

Top 5 Will Do

Okay, let's plow through this one; I've got sweet, sweet Phillies Budweiser to drink.

1. A Philadelphia Eagles starter has a run-in with the law; of course, he's only arrested for dancing in the street. All you need is music. Sweet, sweet music. They're dancin' in Chicago! And down in New Orleans!
2. The Inquirer's go-to guy for all things Italian-American: Joe Bubbles.
3. Rick Mariano is free, and he wears olive-colored shirts.
4. The Philadelphia police department is well on its way to the largest bong in world history. $11.5 million worth!
5. And, finally, the smoking ban rises again, Jason-like. Much like Jason, expect it to die soon, too.

Enjoy your weekend! If you need something to drink, be sure to support the lemonade stand that supports Lil' Kim.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:16 PM

Leftovers: The Hunt Is On

• The new Daily News blog is from MSNBC commentator Flavia Colgan (right), who lives in Wynnewood, and it's called Citizen Hunter. I was kind of hoping for some kind of place you could register your complaints about other citizens and then hunt them down, but apparently it's some sort of liberal online activism blog. Eh, that works, too. That leaves only one question: How is she not up for voting on this list? [Citizen Hunter]

• USA Today has declared that no team fits the surprising mold of a surprising World Series champ like the Philadelphia Phillies. But now that someone's saying it could happen, are they a surprise anymore? Why did you jinx us? [USA Today]

• Apparently, since I've left Penn, students are now not taking Friday classes. (This story comes from the same reporters who will one day churn out stories like the one about Justice Scalia possibly giving an obscene gesture.) This, though, is better than my collegiate plan, which was to schedule Friday classes and then not go to them. [Daily Pennsylvanian]

• Rumor alert: Prep grad and former 'It' indie music writer Nick Sylvester may have finally been fired from the Village Voice.

• Okay, weird alert: Scranton's old high school sports columnist apparently had a tying-young-girls-up fetish. But he says he never acted on it until the one time he got caught by the popo. [Delaware County Times via Deadspin]

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Where The Wild (Liberal) Things Are

There's a story in the Evening Bulletin today about Hillary Clunkton, a fictional cartoon character who is the villain of a series of conservative children's books. (Don't worry, it gets better.)

The third book in the Help! Mom! series -- which had previous titles of Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed! and Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper! -- will feature Hillary being arrested, and you can even bid on an eBay auction to get to be the one who apprehends her.

I don't really know why childrens' books are the appropriate audience to bash Hillary Clinton, since kids (1) don't vote and (2) don't care. But, apparently, liberals have been polluting our kids' minds for ages:

"Liberals have been targeting children in their war on traditional values for years," says DeBrecht, a mother of three. "Since they can't persuade adult voters to abandon personal responsibility and embrace the welfare state, they have instead chosen to flood our classrooms and libraries with books about gay kings, socialist fish, and even marijuana use. It's time to put a stop to it - and ironically Hillary is going to help us do just that!"

Holy shit. There are kids books about that? Where's my Choose Your Own Adventure where if I go to page 46, I get to smoke a bowl, and if I go to page 72, I get to chill with a sweet socialist fish? And don't you think a gay king would be a blast to read about? Just think how nice his castle would be!

I feel so cheated.

Hillary's Going To Jail; Charity To Benefit [The Evening Bulletin]

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New Budweiser Team Specific Packaging To Root, Root, Root For The Home Team As Well As Cure Cancer

Press releases are usually wrought with overwritten comments about, say, a new fabric softener, but I think we have a new winner.

Today, I got a press release from Budweiser saying that "Budweiser and Bud Light hit homerun with custom local packaging for MLB teams." (Frankly, I think my headline is better.) And here's how the release begins:

Budweiser and Bud Light, the "official beer sponsors" of Major League Baseball and 26 MLB teams, will introduce team-specific packaging in team markets nationwide, allowing baseball fans to celebrate the 2006 season while showing support for their favorite team.

Now, I usually choose my beer based on taste, and not whether it's a sponsor of my favorite group of nine strangers I root for since they play in my city. If I want to cheer on the Phillies, I'll buy a Phils' hat, or, you know, actually root for them. I don't think a box with a Phillies logo on it is going to change my opinion that Bud Light tastes like dishwater. (Not that I don't drink it.)

That's pretty normal PR speak there. But then it gets better:

"Major League Baseball has been an important element in our overall marketing mix for more than 25 years, and we continually work to enhance our relationship with the teams, fans and networks throughout each season," said Tony Ponturo, vice president, Global Media and Sports Marketing, Anheuser-Busch Inc. "We have stepped up our activities around baseball in 2006 to create excitement for our teams and their fans, and to strengthen the bond between America’s favorite pastime and America's favorite beers." [...]

"Our investment in team-specific packaging demonstrates our commitment to the dedicated fans and teams of Major League Baseball," Ponturo said. "Baseball fans are passionate about their team. Our custom packaging with individual team logos helps us tap into the excitement of the upcoming season and reinforce to the fans our support of their team."

You've heard of a straw man argument? Well, this is a straw man press release. Anheuser-Busch doesn't care if the Phillies go 0-162 as long as it sells beer to Phillies fans. And there are no such people who do this, anywhere, ever: "Hey, I'm headin' to the game to tailgate and need to pick up some beer. Let's see, Coors, Miller, Budweiser -- hey, that Budweiser is supporting my Phillies! I'm going to buy me some delicious Bud and lead the Phillies to victory!"

Full release after the jump.

BUDWEISER AND BUD LIGHT HIT HOMERUN WITH CUSTOM LOCAL PACKAGING FOR MLB TEAMS

ST. LOUIS (March 30, 2005) – Budweiser and Bud Light, the "official beer sponsors" of Major League Baseball and 26 MLB teams, will introduce team-specific packaging in team markets nationwide, allowing baseball fans to celebrate the 2006 season while showing support for their favorite team.

Anheuser-Busch will also debut new baseball-themed creative, offer a full-line of team-specific promotional items, and will partner with Education Is Freedom (EIF) to expand its “Homerunazo” Latino scholarship program.

"Major League Baseball has been an important element in our overall marketing mix for more than 25 years, and we continually work to enhance our relationship with the teams, fans and networks throughout each season," said Tony Ponturo, vice president, Global Media and Sports Marketing, Anheuser-Busch Inc. "We have stepped up our activities around baseball in 2006 to create excitement for our teams and their fans, and to strengthen the bond between America’s favorite pastime and America's favorite beers."

Team-Specific Packaging

Eleven of Anheuser-Busch domestic breweries will be involved in the team-specific packaging campaign, which will produce 52 different packaging combinations on 3 million cases of 18-, 20- and 24-pack bottles of Budweiser and Bud Light. Team-specific packaging launches on March 27 in time for MLB Opening Night on April 2 and will reach all 26 MLB teams sponsored by Budweiser and Bud Light (see attached chart).

"Our investment in team-specific packaging demonstrates our commitment to the dedicated fans and teams of Major League Baseball," Ponturo said. "Baseball fans are passionate about their team. Our custom packaging with individual team logos helps us tap into the excitement of the upcoming season and reinforce to the fans our support of their team."

Posted by D-Mac at 02:55 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

Rizzomon: Gotta catch 'em all!

The back of the Frank Rizzo trading card, with his lifetime stats, after the jump.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:28 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Philadelphia's Green Monster

In case you didn't know, the Comcast Center is supposed to be a certified "green" building, which means it will release oxygen or something. In fact, it will be the tallest green building in the United States, something we Philadelphians can, I suppose, be mighty proud of. Perhaps people will come from all over to see our tall building!

That being said, the plumbers' union is against one of the cornerstones of the green building, waterless urinals. They're against them because, obviously, they cost less money to maintain and less money to install. That means, uh, less money for plumbers.

And now, as noted earlier, John Street and Vince Fumo are both making a push to pretty much tell the plumbers' union to, uhh, flush it. And, Sunday, there's even a protest at Love Park at 1 p.m. that will also be telling the plumbers' union the same thing.

Presumably, the protesters on Sunday will be there because they want to highlight the fact that the waterless urinals in the Comcast Center will save 1.6 million gallons of water a year. You might think that Vince Fumo is hoping to broker a deal with the plumbers' union for the same reason. You also might have the brain of a gerbil.

While Fumo may love the water savings, he's also in it for this reason:

Without the code change, it might be harder for Liberty to win a certificate from the Green Building Council. In that case, New York and its 945-foot-tall Bank of America tower would capture the title of America's tallest green building.

Fumo "would love to see us beat New York on something like this," Tuma said. "It's all about the city's image. The more good press we get, the more construction the city is going to get."

And they say we don't have an inferiority complex!

Fumo, Street join the push for waterless urinals [Inky]

Full protest info after the jump.

Spread the word... On Sunday, April 2nd at 1:00 PM

Come to Love Park And Tell the Plumbers' Union they can't flush progress!

Come out and show the unions and local politicians that you support the use of waterless urinals to make the Comcast tower the TALLEST GREEN BUILDING IN AMERICA!

Bring your inflatable rats, bring your toilet tricycles, bring your silly protest signs!

Let the local politicians know that they have constituents who will support them in taking on out of control unions!

Plans for Comcast's new office building at 17th and Market call for innovative green technologies that will make the building the tallest green building in the country. As Philadelphia continues to attract attention as an emerging world city, a project like this is paramount to our fair city's growth in the modern global economy. Progressive projects bring progressive businesses and progressive solutions to urban challenges.

Unions are a vital part of this city and have served a pivotal role in getting Philadelphia where it is today. They have protected workers' rights and have won many important battles on behalf of our fellow Philadelphians in the trades. However, times are changing and some of the arcane stances of the unions must change to allow for our city to continue its recent growth.

For the new Comcast tower to be certified as a green building, the architects have designed bathrooms that will used waterless urinals. The plumbers' union, Local 690, has threatened stop the building from using this new green technology.

Here at the facts about the urinals:

- they will save an estimated 1.6 million gallons of water a year
- using less water will ease the strain on the city's already over worked sewage system
- not just environmentally friendly, these urinals are more sanitary and make for less odor
- the urinals still have drains and will still be installed an services by the unions
- installation of these urinals may cause a shift in some jobs, but will likely not cause a loss of jobs for the unions
- the Philadelphia chapter of the EPA supports the use of these urinals
- waterless urinals are found in dozens of buildings around the country, including at Walt Disney World and in an elementary school in Pittsburgh

Let's give the plumbers' union a taste of their own medicine and protest their ignorant stance…because when plumbers act like this, they ain't sh*t.

Brought to you by Philadelphians for a More Progressive Philadelphia

Posted by D-Mac at 01:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Kids Nowadays Can't Scuffle Without Making Front-Page News

It was a slow news week for gays. And why not? Now that the Republicans -- well, some of them, anyway -- have decided that demonizing illegal immigrants, not gays, is the way to shore up the base, there just really wasn't much gay political news this week. And the Mass. ruling on not allowing out-of-state gay couples to marry didn't break until yesterday, seemingly too late for this week's paper.

That slow news week led to this article, on the front page of the new edition of the Philadelphia Gay News today:

A disturbance occurred the evening of March 23 outside of The Attic Youth Center, 255 S. 16th St. According to police reports, an 18-year-old female claimed that a male bumped into her at 6:52 p.m while she was tying her sneaker. The incident was coded as a disturbance. No charges were filed.

In response to being pushed, the female punched the male and his friends began fighting with her friend, police said. During the scuffle, pepper spray was released. The male and his acquaintances fled before the police arrived. Complainants and witnesses said they knew the other youths.

Police later found the suspects at the corner of Broad and Spruce streets.

The victim and her friends could not identify the person who released the spray. Though no formal charges were filed, the 18-year-old can file a private criminal complaint with the District Attorney’s office.

So, basically, a kid bumped into another kid and they fought. That's front page material!

Altercation at the Attic [Philadelphia Gay News]

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In Their Next Bit Of Cross-Promotion, Marty Moss-Coane Will Execute The Stone Cold Stunner On Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake

A tipster has just notified us of the sponsor that was just on the traffic report on WHYY 91 FM:

Wrestlemania 22, this weekend on pay-per-view.

You know, I'm for all the sponsorship WHYY can get, but I'm not quite sure there's too much of a professional wrestling/public radio crossover audience. Just sayin'.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:36 AM | Comments (78) | TrackBack

Phillies A Real Cock To Some Fans

The Phillies sent out a promotional DVD to season ticketholders who had not renewed their tickets. They were hoping that highlights of Chase Utley and Ryan Howard would lead the season ticketholders to re-up.

Instead, a few people got cockfighting DVDs emblazened with the Phillies logo. The company pressing the DVDs, it turns out, left a bit of a previous run on the first few discs, which led to the error.

What I want to know is: Who was the other customer? Like, seriously. Cockfighting DVDs? I sort of guess how you could want to go to a cockfight -- okay, not really -- but to watch it on DVD? Ick.

Then again, who'd want to watch Phillies highlights, either?

New meaning for "Fightin' Phillies." [Inky]
Photo by SteveFE

Posted by D-Mac at 11:27 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Meet Joe Bubbles

There's been a bit of a recent brouhaha over Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's possibly obscene gesture he flipped to a reporter in Church.

Scalia was asked what he'd say to those who think his Catholicism influences his decisions, and he did the Italian under-the-chin thing while also possibly saying "Fuck you" (or something) in Italian. (The article, naturally, appears to be written before the news of the foreign language obscenity broke.)

This is one of those non-scandals that, uhm, reporters just love to keep going, and so today's Philadelphia Inquirer interviews South Philadelphia Italians and asks them what they think:

"The gesture means, 'I don't care, fuhgeddaboutit,' " said Joe "Bubbles" Scavola, 70, a longtime employee at Esposito's. "Ninety-nine percent of Italian people talk with their hands, and they'd be deaf and dumb without them."

Then, expressing contempt for the media in general and the Herald reporter who wrote the story in particular, Joe Bubbles added: "Tell that reporter I'll show her a few nice gestures." [...]

A disgusted Joe Bubbles concluded: "These reporters, they don't know what else to pick on. Leave the Italians alone."

Of course, ol' Joey Bubbles, expert on everything Italian!

South Philly's verdict on Scalia [Inky]
Another Fingergate Update: The Ocular Proof [Wonkette]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Elmer Smith: "Apparently the U.S. Senate has decided that incest is family busines." Okay, sorry guys, I stopped reading after that first sentence.

Jill Porter: Eminent domain is being used to unfairly remove a man from his property. But, then again, that man has broken the law, possibly threatened violence and said he would get a gun to settle it. Sounds like Philadelphia to me!

Posted by D-Mac at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Light Conversation

Today is the one-year anniversary of the death of Terri Schiavo, and, as such, newspapers have trotted out one-year anniversary articles to determine what it really means to us.

Fair enough. An article in the Bucks County Courier Times views the debate as one over a person's right to die, and begins like this (emphasis mine):

Terri Schiavo is gone, but the name of the woman who became a symbol of the right-to-die movement is alive in hospital hallways, lawyers' offices and church pews a year after her controversial death.

That is a good thing, people on both sides of the debate say.

"It is dinnertime conversation," said Janet Poland, director of risk management at Lower Bucks Hospital in Bristol Township and co-chair of its ethics committee.

Note to self: Don't go to any charity dinners organized by Lower Bucks Hospital.

Schiavo put right-to-die issue in national spotlight [Bucks County Courier Times]

Photo by myflickrbox

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With Their Powers Combined...

Whoo! Really taking a stand on this one! Take that, plumbers!

Fumo, Street join the push for waterless urinals [Inky]

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March 30, 2006

Blogicized: Time's Yours

• The Andy Reid impersonator learns the cold, hard truth: You'll have to go to L.A. Weight Loss like the real head coach if you want to lose weight. [Philebrity]

• Philabuster finds the most adorable cutesy-wutesy wittle hounds! Woof! [Badminton Stamps]

• In case you needed a complement to the sexiest newswoman in Philly contest, here it is: Studs of Philadelphia TV News. [Bella Vista Social Club]

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Two Boards And A Passion, Indeed!

Spotted on Philly.com just now:

With a headline that long, the article's probably the length of your average encyclopedia.

Lantern Theater's superb production of Richard III fully delivers this fascinating play. Shakespeare's history plays are full of pageantry and spectacle, usually performed with large casts on large stages, but here, the tiny unadorned stage ("two boards and a passion," as the saying goes), gives us intimate engagement with the drama. Imaginatively staged, powerfully acted, and shrewdly directed by Charles McMahon, this is one not to miss. [Philly.com]

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Not-So-Hot Wheels

One of the best things about the Internet, is that, while the local paper of record is doing a big puff piece on a Phillies announcer many fans don't seem to like, you can simply put up your own feelings and come up with your own story.

Enter The Chris Wheeler Glossary. Put together by the posters at PhilliesPhans.com, the site contains all of Wheels' favorite sayings that we've come to know over the past years. Some of my favorite definitions:

• Ba Hahaha HeHeHe HA - I think your (largely unfunny) baseball-related story is amusing
• He Has Fun Out There - He's awful; He's Tomas Perez
• Does He Throw A Split? - That pitch wasn't a fastball
• First Ball Fastball, Middle-in - Any pitch that someone can hit
• How Important Was...? - I think that was important, do you agree? (usage: on the pre-game manager's show, "Charlie, how important was that game winning home run by Utley last night?")
• LA... - Larry Andersen; former junkballing major league reliever and resident humorist (usage includes: "LA - how important is strike one?" -- Chris wishes LA to spin the viewers a colorful yarn about the perils of getting behind in the count. Or, he just wants to get on our nerves and talk down to us.)
• There's Our Old Friend (insert former Phillies anything) - He never liked me

And there's a ton more. Check it out, and may all your first ball fastballs be middle in. (Although they always are.)

The Chris Wheeler Glossary
PhilliesPhans.com
March 6: Leftovers: Hey, Mussolini made the trains run on time

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Your Weekly Moment Of Northeast Philly Goodness

From this week's Northeast Times:

So a former deli will soon be... a deli.

Former Lawncrest deli will soon be a Wawa [Northeast Times]

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Extreme Hooky

Yesterday was the unveiling of the new house in the Northeast for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and Inquirer photographer David Swanson captured it, which we'll thumbnail here:

Man. Doesn't anybody work anymore?

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition slideshow [Inky]

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You, Too, Can Get Terrell Owens' Cup

It used to be, you had to be a professional athlete to get a professional athlete's cup. I'm not quite sure why you'd want a pro athlete's cup, but some people are just really hardcore.

But, now, thanks to his official website, you can indeed get Terrell Owens' cup, as well as his hat and an MP3 of his rap about making it to the Pro Bowl next year. Actually, you get four of T.O.'s cups, and five downloads of his MP3, which -- since it's an MP3 -- probably doesn't have any crippling DRM on it.

Oh, and this deal costs $59. Fifty-nine bucks for a hat, four cups, and an MP3 that you can download five times. (Not sure why you need to download it more than once, though.) The hat, though, is exclusive to T.O. Fan Club members -- oh, yes, this is what this deal is for, a membership to Owens' fan club -- and you do also get this bonus:

You will be automatically entered in "Meet and Greet" and have a chance to win two (2) round-trip tickets to "BIG D" to see me "live" in action, as well as meet me after the game.

I must say, I'm a little confused why "live" is in quotes. It seems like you'll be watching the game on television and then meeting T.O. outside the locker room after the game. But, hey, you do get four cups!

Fan Club Package [Official Store of Terrell Owens]
Join Terrell Owens' Special Club [Deadspin]

Copy Cats [PW]
March 20: Well, he's better than Shaq at least

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And The Neighborhood Shortening Continues

Yesterday, Graduate Hospital becomes G-Ho. Today, Bella Vista becomes:

Hmm. I guess that's fine, but that's not really that much shorter, now, is it?

The Weekly Press

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Quickies: Slick Willie

• The group pairing with the union to bid for the Inquirer has President Clinton on the board of directors. Of course, he's just a "senior advisor" and won't be doing much, if anything, but, hey, perhaps they can get some hot interns out of the deal. Or, you know, ones that look like Monica Lewinsky. [New York Sun]

• Indicted officials getting money: It's not just for Philadelphia City Council anymore! [Bucks County Courier Times]

• The player the Phillies traded Vicente Padilla for has been released. The good: New GM Pat Gillick isn't afraid to admit mistakes. The bad: He might not have a clue what he's doing. [Daily News]

• The U.S. debt clock will soon run out of room. "How about a government works project to build a new one?" says President Bush.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

And It Was Indeed Answered

Last week we saw a little description that said Will Sheridan's father was indeed proud of him. Last night, on the 10 O'Clock News, there was a story on St. Cyril's School, which has raised $260,000 since Tommy GeroMichalos wrote to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, asking them to save his school, slated for closing by the Archdiocese.

It now appears the school will remain open. And Fox 29 had just the tagline for Tommy:

March 23: Breaking: Will Sheridan's Father Proud

Posted by D-Mac at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: A new movie shows all the bull---- that John Street and his supporters said to get elected in 2003. By the way, I was at an invite-only preview screening, bitches!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Not only is SEPTA taking forever to finish the EL reconstruction in West Philly, but now they're suing businesses that are being forced to shut down due to it! "This is a get-in-your-way-and-sue-your-ass-into-bankruptcy town, and we're a get-in-your-way-and-sue-your-ass-into-bankruptcy organization," says SEPTA.

Michael Smerconish: "[H]ere at Penn, a woman who had sex in front of an open window was deemed to be a victim of sexual harassment after (surprise, surprise) somebody snapped her photo and put it online." Uh, Michael, not really. She filed a complaint, the University looked into it, and dismissed it. But, then again, since you're going on Bill O'Reilly to promote your book, why should anyone think you'd be completely honest?

Posted by D-Mac at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

One Of Thes Things Is Not Like The Others

From the friendly Bucks County Courier Times crime log, a strange mashup of lawbreaking (emphasis mine):

Monica Anne Clarke, 33, no address given, 7:35 p.m., Mar 22, burglary, criminal trespass, theft, receiving stolen property, violation of Health and Safety Act on 800 block Bustleton Pk.

She also forced someone to quarter troops at their house, too, but for some reason that's not listed in the crime log.

Public safety log 03.30.06 [Bucks County Courier Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

We Are... Not Two Civilizations Clashing!

Uh, that's great. But what does Joe Paterno have to do with it?

What Clash of Civilizations? [Slate]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:42 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 29, 2006

Blogicized: G-Ho Ho Ho

• I've been meaning to promote this idea for a while, but I kept forgetting to. Brad Maule of Phillyskyline has declared that the Graduate Hospital area shall be called G-Ho, and, frankly, that sounds like a great idea to me. G-Ho! It's the next JuNoGi, only better! [Phillyskyline]

• New changes at Citizens Bank Park this year: A higher left field fence, a more injured David Bell and no more Geno's. Rick's Steaks will be taking its place. [The 700 Level]

• Pennsylvania has turned to eBay to sell knives, scissors, bombs and NBA players' marijuana confiscated from airports (wait, scratch those last two). [DaveRalis.com]

• Albert Yee is on the ballot for committeeperson! Chuck Pennachio better put a "Yee 2006" banner on his blog now, too. [dragonballyee]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:10 PM | Comments (186) | TrackBack

Mariano Is Free

Okay, first off, how hilarious is this photo from Rick Mariano's official City Council page, after his little trip to the top of city hall? I can't believe I didn't notice this before. (That's result No. 1 on Google for "Rick Mariano." Results number 5 and 6 are none other than Philadelphia Will Do. How fun!)

Yesterday, Rick Mariano was released from jail after 11 days in jail. This is a good thing. As much as we here at Philadelphia Will Do mock Rick Mariano on an almost daily basis -- and by "we," I mean "I" -- he should certainly have the right to see his family before he heads to prison for a few years. It's not like he's going to go running around City Hall in his last few days of freedom, taking bribes left and right, punching out Anna Verna and giving a wedgie to Brian O'Neill. (That last one would be awesome, actually.)

Despite what was previously said, Mariano won't be in City Council tomorrow, which is kind of a shame, since he could surely provide some unintentional comedy in his final days in office. I mean, I don't even really fault my boy Ricky for not relinquishing his post; the law doesn't require him to, and, really, what would you expect? (It's the other City Council members who are like, "Oh, he should get to keep his post!" that's much more disgusting.)

Now that he's out, though, Mariano has acually stopped causing his own hilarity and has started causing some media hilarity:

Mariano's first public appearance since the verdict, a simple 20-foot walk from the federal courthouse in Center City to a waiting taxi, turned into a carnival. As he left, the councilman squeezed awkwardly through an aggressive pack of journalists. In the confusion, two photographers tumbled onto Market Street. [...]

Reached at his home last night on a quiet, treeless street in Juniata Park, Mariano, dressed in an olive-colored T-shirt, looked like he was relaxing - not expecting company.

He said he had no comment, and told a reporter: "Don't come to my house."

He then quickly shut the door.

But what kind of pants does he wear, Inquirer? All the facts, please!

In first public appearance, Mariano says 'I'm fine,' but nothing more [Inky]
Philadelphia City Council: Rick Mariano [Phila.gov]
Oct. 21: Mariano mayhem!
Archives: Rick Mariano

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Wagering Dollars To Apples

I'm never quite sure what the attraction in bank robbing is anymore. Back in the 19th century, you could rustle up to the local bank, steal some cash with your six-shooter and spend your cash undetected until John Wayne caught you -- provided he wasn't portraying Genghis Khan at the time.

But now, there's cameras, tagged money, tracking devices placed in bags and cops everywhere(ish) that can easily catch you. I'm sure people get away with bank robberies in America, but the risk/reward ratio just seems too great. You're better off playing "red" in roulette, or getting your crime spree fix playing Grand Theft Auto. Or, you know, go into business.

Bank robberies are just too dangerous. Take yesterday, for instance. A robber robbed a bank in Northeast Philly, only to be caught a short time later in North Philly due to a tracking device. Same with another guy, who robbed a bank and hopped on a SEPTA bus... which, obviously, was pulled over a few blocks later. (One man did get away with a thousand bucks.)

The highlight of that first robbery in the Northeast was that the robber said he had a toxic chemical and he'd spill it all over if he didn't get his cash. He got the cash, but the substance turned out to be apple juice.

Now, if it were prune juice, that'd be a toxic chemical.

Juiced up, he squeezes 6G from bank [Daily News]
The Conqueror [Registan.net]

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Philly PD To Make World's Largest Bong

The other day, the Philadelphia police were responding to a robbery call in West Philly and -- whoops! -- stumbled over $11.6 million of marijuana.

Now, obviously, if the police force were to, say, sell that $11.6 million of marijuana on the sly, that could make, oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of $11.6 million. But, of course, marijuana being illegal, the cops are just going to burn all the weed.

I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that burning a giant pile of weed might not be the best way to get rid of it, especially considering burning leaves is one way to turn them into, say, smoke. I fear that an 11.6 million dollar bonfire bong of marijuana will make every citizen in the 135 square miles of this city high. Actually, that might calm down some of our high-strung residents. Hmm.

Still, though, I'm not sold. And, apparently, neither was Metro, which asked the following:

What's that dude in the center doing? Petting an exceptionally large, cute doggy? Leaning on a bike rack? Patting the head of a dwarf?

Although, maybe it has something to do with that $11.6 million worth of weed he's planning on smoking. That'd make anyone do crazy shit.

Cops can’t cash in on record pot haul [Metro]
Yesterday: Commish Hops On The 'Sixth Borough' Bandwagon
Photo by highguy420 (who else?)

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Where Was That Store Again?

From KYW 1060, who's really hitting the zingers today:

All Strawbridge's stories are being closed by their corporate owner. Some will become Macy's, but a Macy's is going into the old John Wanamaker building at 13th and Market Streets, so the 8th and Market Strawbridge's at 8th and Market is up for grabs.

Great! Now where's Robbins 8th and Walnut?

Retailers Eye the Soon-to-be-Former-Strawbridge's Site [KYW 1060]

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Quickies: 101 Dalmations

• Pennsylvania Clean Sweep now has 101 candidates running for election against Pennsylvania state legislators. Coming in November: 101 losing candidates for PA Clean Sweep. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Guess what the contrarian broadsheet -- my former employer, &c. &c. -- in this town has run an op-ed piece on: Global warming isn't real! Really, really, I'm shocked that the conservative paper in town would run a column that says that. What's next? "Teach the controversy" on evolution? Bingo! [The Evening Bulletin]

• In the interest of fairness: The climate is crashing and global warming is to blame. Why the crisis hit so soon -- and what we can do about it. I don't think I'm all that nervous -- I've stocked up on sunscreen -- but it's a good read nonetheless. [Time Magazine via Attytood]

• And two senators lied before the Supreme Court? Again, recent events cannot shock me any more. [Slate]

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Laugh At This Headline/Photo Combo Two, Three, Four Times A Day

And see how excited he looks!

Mickey Rooney Named Grand Marshal of Ocean City Doo-Dah Parade [KYW 1060]

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Really? The Nation Was Rioting Outside My House Today

Card shuffling [Dick Polman's American Debate]

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The First Honest Politician, Ever

I know this has nothing to do with Philadelphia, but, hey, shush. Here's Senator John Cornyn of Texas was interviewed on CNN about the immigration debate:

"That's the problem with America, we're always having elections." Ladies and gentlemen, we finally have an honest politician in this country.

Who are the illegal immigrants? [AP/CNN.com]

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Jill Porter: Hey, pro-choicers! Send pro-lifer Bob Casey to Washington and you help your case! Yes, I don't know how this works, either!

Rotan Lee: The current constituency of politicians is one "still playing basketball, wearing cargo pants and T's, and dancing the Wu-Tang." Still playing basketball! Wearing cargo pants! T-Shirts! Gasp, gasp, gasp!

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Whoa, Let's Not Get Ahead Of Ourselves

Uhh, guys? You might want to make the playoffs before pimping playoff tickets. Not that anyone's going to buy them anyway.

NBA Standings [ESPN.com]

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March 28, 2006

Leftovers: Looking For A City Councilman To Bribe?

• Whoo! Rick Mariano was released on bail today, presumably since he's not in danger of killing himself or anyone else anytime sooon. He just needs to watch out for -- and, no, we're never letting this go -- swinging gates at City Hall. [Inky]

• More on the controversy of Morgan "Super Size Me" Spurlock's speech at Hatboro Horsham yesterday. Apparently, students are so scared about saying they enjoyed his speech they don't want their names used by the paper. [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• A British blogger is up for a nonfiction writing award. I expect to be collecting that Pulitzer check any day now. [BBC News]

• Bloggy goodness! Daily News TV critic Ellen Gray will be liveblogging American Idol tonight! [DN]

• Back in the 'Burbs, Doylestown is now enforcing "Get off my lawn!" as the law of the township. Yahoo! [Doylestown Intelligencer]

• Turns out, if you combine Red Bull and Alcohol, you don't feel as buzzed as you would with alcohol alone, but it still affects your motor skills just as much. I bet it'd be even more fun to read this study drunk! [EurekAlert via Boing Boing]

• And, finally, owners of the social networking site Facebook turned down an offer of $750 million for the company and are hoping for a cool $2 billion. Oh, yes, of course. [Business Week]

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Better Dead Than Rojo

There was an article yesterday in the Inquirer about a local man, John Ryan, who runs a local chapter of the Minutemen. The Minutemen, if you didn't hear about them from your local friendly right-wing radio nut, are a loosely-affiliated group of gun-toting civilians who police the U.S.-Mexican border in search of illegal immigrants. I'm not quite sure who, exactly, the Pennsylvania chapter is keeping out -- maybe those fishy Canadians swimming over into Erie? -- but Ryan is heading down to the U.S.-Mexican border soon to do some policin'.

While the U.S. Border Patrol abhors their presence, and some members of the group are racists, for the most part the group -- and Ryan and his Pennsylvania chapter, which isn't affiliated with the main Arizona Minutement -- is just shedding light on the problem with America's open border, and if we can engage them in discussion, perhaps we can come to some sort of solution that can benefit us all.

Ha ha! Just kidding! John Ryan thinks that immigrants sneaking into the U.S. are here in search of reclaiming the Southwestern U.S. territories won from Mexico in the 19th century, as opposed to coming to the States to actually earn some money or start a family or be terrorists, or any actual reasons people come to the U.S. illegally. Reclaiming the Southwest United States for Mexico sounds about as far-fetched as thinking The Note and the Washington Post are in some sort of conservative conspiracy to fool the public into thinking the media is liberal.

But I digress. Ryan, though, is nowhere near the person with the zaniest ideas in Inky article. That would go to Kathleen Appell, who supports the Minutemen cause.

Kathleen Appell, 62, a Minuteman donor, recounted seeing men advertising a Mexican restaurant while en route to a July 4 barbecue in Southampton.

"There are these Mexicans with sombreros, dressed in Mexican outfits," she said. "It was an American holiday. I felt like I was in another country. How did this neighborhood change so fast ... that there even is a Mexican restaurant?"

Oh no! Mexican restaurants! Sombreros! Pretty soon it'll be the United States of Mexico! Whatever shall we do? Better fence the border! Keep your sombreros and your tacos offa my flag!

Border worries reach from Mexico to Phila. [Inky]
Sept. 19, 2005: Blogicized: Blogs are the new blogs
Photo by General Wesc

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Blogicized: Worst Of The Worst

• Surely, this is political discourse for the 21st Century: Claiming John Perzel is the worst person ever. I'm not saying that's not true. Wait. Yes I am. Not when this man is still around. [Young Philly Politics]

• Some thoughts on what might happen if Jimmy Rollins approaches the all-time hits record. As you may know, he ended the season with hits in 36 straight games. We'll be keeping a countdown (up?) here at Philadelphia Will Do once he gets hit #37, of course. And, saying that, we just jinxed him. Shit. [Deadspin]

• Another Florida teacher has used mental illness to excuse her sex with a minor. I don't know if that was true or not -- in either case, actually -- but let's just hope she'll eventually decide to go into journalism like Debra Lafave. [The Trouble With Spikol]

• And, in case you spend all your money on your Internet connection, here's a guide to shopping at local garage sales, flea markets and the like. [About.com Philadelphia]

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Pat Croce Finally Gets Angry

Man, look at former 76ers prez Pat Croce. He's even in a good mood while pillaging. (I guess if you're a pirate, getting some booty puts you in a good mood. Actually, I guess that puts anyone in a good mood. Where was I again?)

Needless to say, Pat Croce usually feels great. Whether at the helm of the 76ers, hosting that syndicated show or just being a plain old motivational guru, Croce is always happy.

Except when he invests about 100 large in a fake movie. In the Daily News today, Dan Gross reports that Croce had two screenings of a 15-minute short film The Messenger yanked after learning that, well, pretty much everything in it was fake:

The 15-minute-film, by Quincy Perkins, tells the story of how messenger Thomas E. Jones was held up while delivering Japan's official surrender in WWII from the Swiss Embassy to the White House on Aug. 14, 1945.

Perkins "deceived me into believing that he had interviewed the real 76-year-old Thomas Jones in his hospital bed," Croce said, adding that Perkins told him that Jones died last December.

Croce says Perkins, 26, called him Sunday night to reveal not only that he'd hired an actor to play Jones, but that Jones was alive in Maryland.

I used to think Croce was a pretty smart businessman, turning an athletic trainer gig into a motivational speaking career into the presidency of the 76ers. Then he sold high on the Sixers, getting out before they became too horrid.

But, dude, $100,000 on a shitty 15-minute film? Come on, man, open an ING Direct account or something.

Croce doesn't feel great [DN, 2nd item]
Photo via Pirate Soul, Pat Croce's pirate museum

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Abridged 'Daily News' Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Politicians used Terri Schiavo at the end of her life and now her family members are using her now! Who woulda thunk it?

Elmer Smith: Fight the power, immigrants! In English and Spanish!

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Holy Bomb Threat, Batman!

We've all been in a situation where we haven't gotten the job we wanted, the raise we thought we deserved or the promotion we thought we'd get. Most of us can take it in stride, find a new job or however you cope.

But, well, one thing you probably shouldn't do is threaten to blow up the place:

A disgruntled Wal-Mart employee who scrawled a bomb threat on the men's room wall after being passed over for a promotion was sentenced Monday to six to 23 months in the Bucks County prison. [...]

[Kevin] Spear was arrested shortly after the Dec. 28 incident at the Wal-Mart on North West End Boulevard in Quakertown. An employee called police after the message "On Friday, December 30, two bombs will level the store" was found, written in black marker.

Another threat: "Hey Wal-Mart. Wanna start New Year's with a bang?" was also found.

Wow, that's like a comic book bomb threat. "Let's start this party with a bang!" Are you sure this guy isn't secretly Two-Face or The Joker? They better jail him in Arkham Asylum.

Man jailed for Wal-mart bomb threat [Bucks County Courier Times]
Photo by Monochrome

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Quickies: Murder Was The Case

• Your WTF Crime of The Day: Two Upper Darby teens are charged with hunting down and killing a man who mooned them after they taunted him for trashpicking. Oh, and the one suspect clipped out the story in the paper and saved it. First offense for both suspects, which led to this quote from commish Michael Chitwood Sr.: "It's a hell of a first offense." [Daily News]

• Pinch me: Gavin Floyd continues his impressive spring. His spring ERA's now at 2.08. Could this team really be better than we expect? Remaining "cautiously optimistic" is the best bet for now, I think. [AP/Yahoo!]

• A rare $2,000 bird stolen from a Burlington County, N.J., store has been found safe in -- where else? -- a Northeast Philly dumpster at Grant and the Boulevard. [CBS 3]

• White House Chief of Staff Andy Card has resigned, which means that we can expect him to be implicated in some sort of drug-and/or-puppy-smuggling scandal any day now. [CNN.com]

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You've Tried The Rest, Now Try The Best

Don't be fooled by imitations! This manure is the cleanest on earth!

FREE CLEAN HORSE MANURE [Craigslist]

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The Times They Are A-Changin'

Yep. Now even kindergarteners are getting laid more than you.

Sexual Behavior Reported On Kindergarten Bus [NBC 10]

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