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January 31, 2006

State of the Union Liveblog

It's about 15 minutes before the State of the Union address, and I have one question: Is this thing in high definition?

Yes, for a combined Christmas-birthday present I got an HDTV for my apartment. It's nice. And bigger than I thought. And right now I'm watching American Idol in high def -- and, well, the remote is all the way at the other end of the couch, so I'm planning on staying on Fox 29 for the SOTU as well. So is it in HD?

Eff what Dubya wants to say about health care or Iran or how squeamish he gets when he thinks about two guys doing each other. I only have one question before the State of the Union, and I'm just wondering if it's in HD.

Also, lots of fat people have been made fun of on Idol tonight, and I'm expecting plenty of complaint press releases from the National Fat People Coalition or whatever.

Either way, join me here! A little before 9 p.m.! On Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday! For the State of the Union liveblog! I have a can of Yuengling with me, but no drinking games here: I plan on having half of it done at the end of this stupid speech. In the meantime, Matt Donegan has a new blog post up -- and it's predictably awesome -- and somebody invited Cindy Sheehan to the SOTU. Oh, snap. Okay, one drinking game: If Sheehan rushes the stage, I'll finish my beer.

After the jump, the minute-by-minute (or however often I come up with a one-liner) recap.

8:50 - Wow. It's amazing how many people sing "I Will Survive" during American Idol auditions.

8:52 - Okay, now it got interesting. Cindy Sheehan has been arrested, according to Capitol police according to CNN. What if she knocked out President Bush? What would happen? Would Dick Cheney give the speech? Oh, man, that'd be even better.

8:53 - Oh, shit. Better idea. What if Bush's big SOTU surprise is announcing that the government can now lock up annoying people? Man, that'd be awesome.

8:58 - CNN.com says that Bush's speech is going to say that "our Nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal -- we seek the end of tyranny in our world... the future security of America depends on it." Whoo! I am going to have a blast liveblogging this thing! Who came up with this idea, anyway?

8:59 - Oh, right, me. Nevermind.

9:00 - It's not in hi-def! Let's check the other stations.

9:01 - CBS has hi-def! And they talk about Cindy Sheehan: It says she was arrested with a group of protestors. Great explanation, guys.

9:02 - A quick check shows that ABC and NBC also have HD. Fox is the only loser. I'll stick with CBS since it was first.

9:03 - Wow, John Roberts is balder than I thought. Sam Alito looks smug and awkward, but, really, can you blame him?

9:05 - Bush is going to say America is "addicted to oil." Phew. I thought he was going to call me out on my... uhh woah this is a public forum, I mean, uhh, where was I, ohh, right, Donald Rumsfeld was just laughing really hard har de har har!

9:08 - I love this current camera view. There are big doors in the background and people keep walking behind them and casting huge shadows. It's like there's an army of giants ready to bust into the room.

9:09 - Annnnnd heeeeeere comes Bushie! Bob Schaffer says that House interns are made to sit in the seat hours beforehand so that congressman can get good seats and get on television. I love this country: It makes you want to stand up and cheer and slit your wrists at the same time.

9:11 - As Bush gets ready to speak, know what I'm thinking about? 1. He looks decent in HD. and 2. Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was arrested and was apparently wearing his jersey at the time. Amazing.

9:12 - There's a little reverb here; Bush has that whole Lou Gehrig "luckiest man-man-man on the face-face-face of the Earth-Earth-Earth" thing going on. Hmm, this probably a good plan. It can get him some sympathy.

9:13 - Mrs. King gets a standing O. The reverb continues and continues... and finally stops. Phew. And here I was about to get up and find the remote again.

9:15 - "The United States of America will continue to lead." See, this is why I knew this effing thing was a bad idea. However, first 9/11 mention comes at 9:15. If you had that in the pool, you win!

9:16 - Just as it turns 9:16 on my clock, we get our first "weapons of mass destruction" mention!

9:17 - Women voting in Afghanistan, Iraqis voting, more democracies now than in 1945. The "non-democracies" contain the usual suspects, though he includes Zimbabwe. No! We can't lose their support!

9:18 - First Bin Laden mention. Might've been 9:17, actually, but who's counting?

9:19 - Here's a mention I wouldn't have guessed: The Beslan school terrorist attack. And the paragraph it was mentioned in eventually gets a standing ovation. I see...

9:20 - Thanks, Bushie. I now know we're not going to retreat. You know, I was a little worried we were going to do that.

9:21 - "We are the nation that... liberated death camps." I almost hear after it, "Yes. That was for you Jewish people. Please support me?"

9:22 - Next, I expect Bush to say "We are the nation that lost to... err... defeated the Barbary pirates in the 1700s!"

9:23 - Woah! Who's the guy in a full out awesome African-looking robe? That dude's awesome.

9:24 - Speaking of dress, Bush's suit is pretty good. It's plain, but the tie is nice -- It's blue! What irony! -- and the American flag lapel pin isn't too big to be annoying. Plus, it's a little different than the usual flag pin.

9:25 - Shot of John Kerry! And he's looking down at the floor and running his fingers through his hair! Ha! Oh, Johnny.

9:28 - First mention of a recent hero, a Marine, Dan Clay, who died in service. This was a tradition started by Reagan cleverly and continued on and on and on again by every president since. Stil, you can't really get too angry at the family of a fallen soldier getting a seat at the State of the Union. And now I am sad. Sigh. Can we move on to the boring stuff, Bush?

9:29 - Breaking news: Bush supports the military! Also, to defeat the terrorists, we have to defeat "their vision of hatred and fear."

9:30 - Cheney has on a red tie. I get it now.

9:31 - Yes, nerds, he said nuc-u-LAR. Drink.

9:32 - Bush just said he wants to become friends with a free and democratic Iran. Uhm, sorry Mr. Bush, but no. I already am friends with enough people I don't like, I don't think I need any more friends -- let alone those Iranians! (Oh, if you're my friend and reading this, I'm not talking about you.)

9:34 - Ha, this is great. Bush mentions reauthorizing the Patriot Act, and half the crowd stands and the other half doesn't. Excellent.

9:37 - "If there are people in our country who are talkin' about Al Qaeda we want to know about it!" Oh, man. And, again, a half-standing, half-sitting audience. (He's talking about his illegal wiretapping, which I don't really care about but what I think it just effing stupid because he could go and get warrants in like five minutes to make it legal. Like, just go do it, you moron!)

9:39 - I think more people would watch the SOTU if there were some reason to. Like, I mean, in the middle of the speech, why couldn't Bush give away free Super Bowl tickets to one lucky viewer? I guarantee everyone would watch then. Come to think of it, why doesn't one of the TV stations do this? They could give away tickets at the bottom! And, uh, run ads and get viewers? Maybe this could cause some backlash, but oh, come on: Super Bowl tickets!

9:41 - Bush is talking about something expiring. I can only imagine he's talking about the NFL collective bargaining agreement. (It's up after the '07 season, I believe?) And, apparently, Republicans agree, and Democrats disagree! My stars.

9:42 - The fuck? Line-item veto? I haven't heard about that since Republicans wanted to not let Clinton have that (or something). Where did that come from?

9:44 - Bush made a funny: "Two of my dad's favorite people will turn 60 this year: me and President Clinton." Then he does an unintentional funny as he says "Congress did not pass my plan to save Social Security," and all the Democrats stand and clap and some people boo. Oh, man.

9:45 - "With level markets, and a level playing field, no one can outcompete, or outproduce, the American worker." Eff yeah! Nobody blogs like this effin' nation! Whoo!

9:47 - "Affordable health care" not preceded with "I don't care about"? Guh? Who has killed Bushie and replaced him with Johnny Socialist! Oh, wait, he's still going.... hold on.... health savings accounts... big businesses... portable coverage... wait, stil, this seems pretty socialist, where's the hook?... frivolous lawsuits... OB-GYNs... medical liability reform... more clapping... hmm... he's on to energy! What just happened.

9:48 - "America is addicted to oil.... the best way to break this is through technology." Like blogs?

9:49 - Apparently, all our cars are going to run on woodchips and stalks and switchgrass in six years. No, really.

9:50 - The "American Competitiveness Initiative"? Can I get some money to blog out of this? Uhh... my blog could be outsourced to China if not!

9:52 - Math and science? Math and science?! What about English and history, you jerk! Hmm? Hmm? What about the stuff Dan McQuade is good at? Huh?

9:54 - I'm going to fall asleep. He said something about Democrats and Republicans being proud of some record. I hope we're near the end.

9:55 - Ooh! Health of our culture! Activist judges! Gay marriage! "Parents are worried" about this! Is he going to say something? No, of course not. Hey, cool, he said our culture is not going to unravel. I'm down with that, dawg.

9:56 - First mention of Sam Alito and John Roberts. You know, all those Catholics on the Supreme Court are okay with this speech: All this sitting and standing is just like mass!

9:57 - Oh, we have to watch out for human-animal hybrids! Wait, what about Dick Cheney, the human-machine hybrid?

9:58 - Wait. Human-animal hybrids? He actually said we have to ban those. Was this an issue? Human. Animal. Hybrids. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

9:59 - New Orleans mention! And then the audio cut out for a second or two. Bush must've cursed or something.

10:00 - Bush wants to end the waiting list for AIDS medications in America? What's the catch? I have totally read on the Internet that he eats babies or something, what's going on? Also, it's 10 o'clock, when is this going to end? Aiiiiieeeeee...

10:03 - "May God bless America!" That's it! And immediately CBS is back doing post-SOTU commentary. But, wait, I don't care! It's over! Yaaaaay! Time to go out! (And by "go out," I mean "play Madden.") See youse tomorrow morning!

Posted by D-Mac on January 31, 2006 08:45 PM
Posted to Cindy Sheehan , George W. Bush , Liveblogs , State of the Union Address

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Comments

You missed Tim Kaine in the Democratic Response. He kept giving The Rock's People's Eyebrow.

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Animal-Human hybrids are the next great threat to society. Then it will be gay animal-human hybrids who want to marry each other.

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Those animal-human hybrids get, like, 80 miles to the gallon.

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The State of the Union was in HD, so you could watch all the monkey faces that the bad POTUS makes in stunning HD.

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