October 31, 2005

Breaking: Website has content

From a press release I just got from the Pennsylvania House Democratic Caucus:

As Apple Computers recently announced the release of the new video iPod, the Pennsylvania House Democratic Caucus now offers exclusive media content via the Internet.

Which brings me to my new slogan: As Shakespeare once wrote Hamlet, Daniel McQuade now writes Philadelphia Will Do.

House Democratic Caucus announces the release of exclusive media content via the Web [PAhouse.net]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:36 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

Blogicized: Speedy delivery

• Democracy for America is holding a puppet show and meeting in Philly. I hope it's those Mr. Rogers puppets; they were awesome. [PhillyBlog]

• Oh snap, a pro-SEPTA union rally is taking place Wednesday. With virtually no PT available, what we surely need is more people blocking the streets. [Young Philly Politics]

• Finally, a comic that rivals The Lockhorns in quality. [Phillyist]

• Finally, the greatest headline in the history of the world. [The 700 Level]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Straight edge beer blasts

An article in today's Bucks County Courier Times details Delaware Valley College's attempts to curtail underage drinking on campus.

It seems like DelVal is pretty levelheaded about it. You know, they're just trying to keep the kids out of the hospital. Sounds good to me. But I have a hard time believing this quote:

And, for the first time, this year's homecoming - and the accompanying tailgating parties - were alcohol free. "It was the best homecoming ever," said Arrison.

"And that kegger with Odoul's? Totally radical!"

College gets 'proactive' when dealing with underage drinking [BCCT]

Posted by D-Mac at 02:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The movie's subtitle will be "Stallone Needs Money"

Oh, are you psyched for Rocky VI? Well, there's another reason to get excited: our buddy Sly Stallone will not only be starring in the sixth Rocky, but he'll be donning the fatigues for Rambo IV, too.

Reuters has the plot synopsis:

"Rambo IV" centers on former Vietnam vet John Rambo, who is living a reclusive life back home in the U.S. But when a girl goes missing, he is forced to abandon his quiet lifestyle and take justice into his own hands.

Let's see: Rocky VI. Rambo IV. Sources tell me that in a few weeks Sly will be announcing his plans for Judge Dredd II: This Time, It's Personal.

Stallone back in combat for fourth 'Rambo' [Reuters via Best Week Ever Blog]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Medical masturbation

As part of a continuing effort to be as vulgar as possible today, I bring you the tale of the New Jersey mother arrested for allegedly running a brothel.

Meryl James is a 50-year-old single mother of three living in (where else) Princeton. She's also a minister. Who knew?

She offers Swedish massage and spiritual therapy, and is due to appear in court tomorrow on charges that she masturbated or performed oral sex on her clients for 100 bucks a pop. Which means that, if true, not only is she an old hooker, she's an old, expensive hooker.

KYW 3 interviewed her friday, but since nobody watches Channel 3 I wasn't aware of this until today:

James claims she did not enjoy it, but masturbated two of her clients for medical purposes.

"It's kind of distasteful to me and I only did it like once or twice and I had to wear the glove and everything," she said. "I did that I just said I didn’t want to do that anymore."

And I had to wear the glove and everything! Funny, that's what my ex-girlfriend said.*

NJ Mom Accused Of Running Brothel Speaks Out [KYW 3]

*Editor's Note: I'm not quite sure what this joke means. Or if it's even a joke.

Posted by D-Mac at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Some financial advice

From the Inquirer's Daniel Rubin:

We hosted a group of bloggers at the Inquirer last week. They pulled no punches in criticizing the paper, both at the session, afterward in emails.

The Inquirer asking Philly bloggers how to fix their paper? I'd advise you to short sell Knight-Ridder stock immediately.

The Inky's Future: A call for conversation [Blinq]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Memos are hip and cool again

So I totally blanked last week -- or maybe the past two weeks? -- and didn't post the memo. And so I saw that Romenesko's going all crazy and linking to blogs and had linked to the memo on another site, so clearly I missed my chance at hot hot Jim Romenesko linking action. Alas.

To correct these ills, here's the latest figures:

INQUIRER:

50 Applications
46 Applications Approved
4 Applications Pending

DAILY NEWS:
25 Applications
15 Applications Approved
10 Applications Pending

Full memo after the jump. A tip of the hat to VisualEditors.com because they had already fixed the stupid returns I usually have to take out by hand.

From: Amanda Bennett

To the newsroom:

As part of my promise to be as open and transparent as I can be during this difficult process, I promised weekly emails with at least three sections:

I. Progress on developing the new newsroom plan
II. Expressions of interest in the buyout
III. Answers to frequently asked questions

----------

I. Progress in developing new newsroom plan

* Chris Satullo will be holding one final feedback session tomorrow in the 1st floor conference room. If you haven’t already sat in on a session, I would encourage you to do so. It will be in the 1st floor conference room (down the hall from the Credit Union) from 12 to 2.

* Some departments have been doing without EA help over the last couple of weeks. That’s because Beatrice Butler, who supervises all EAs, has been calling them downtown for crosstraining, so that each EA will be able to pitch in on different jobs.

* The Organization Team will be holding a series of meetings with each department head next week, so that each department head can talk about the needs of his/her department. The team will ultimately made recommendations to Anne and me. Here is the mission statement of the Organization Team:

Quote:
To develop a comprehensive list of recommendations to senior management on the future of staffing -- long- and short-term -- throughout the newsroom. We need to make the best use of our talented reporters, editors, photographers, graphic artists, news editors, copy editors, researchers and online staff to create a news report that is distinctive and relevant to a rapidly changing readership. Through the integration of certain departments we will try to find a way to improve the versatility and strength of the staff so we can produce a more compelling and visually engaging news report.

* The Transition Team has been working out details to get us through this next stage. The training of the editorial assistants, how the paper will be put together over the holidays, how many zones we will have during the last few weeks of the year, are all issues that fall to this group for settlement. In addition the team has worked out a plan to help fund farewells for our departing colleagues. We plan to have Newsroom-wide farewell at 4 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 18, for those people who are taking the buyout. The farewell will be in the Broad Street Newsroom. Food will be provided. Those staffers who wish to do so may bring an appetizer or dessert. And if you are interested in planning something special for colleagues leaving your department, please talk to your editors about money that is available.

* The New Regionalism Team is focusing on content, including how to reorganize our suburban coverage thematically, rather than geographically. The announcement of the new team headed by Linda Hasert is just the first step in achieving this goal.

* The Online Integration Team has completed a total site inventory of every principal page on both Philly.com and Inquirer.com as part of a reorganization and redesign. The goal: common-sense, unified navigation across attractive pages that are up-to-date and easy to find. Next up is a staffing plan for managing the sites as well as producing new kinds of content such as audio interviews and podcasts.

----------

II. Expressions of interest in the buyout

Here, from David Vidovich, are the latest buyout numbers:

INQUIRER:
50 Applications
46 Applications Approved
4 Applications Pending

DAILY NEWS:
25 Applications
15 Applications Approved
10 Applications Pending

----------

III. Answers to frequently asked questions

QUESTION: Will all buyout requests be approved before the company turns to layoffs to reduce the staff?

ANSWER: We will process all buyout requests before we turn to layoffs. But, as was stated in the buyout announcement, we are reserving the right to deny buyouts based on business need e.g….to anyone whose skill we would have to replace, or who we believe is integral to our identity or our readership.

QUESTION: Won’t you take everyone who applies for a buyout, so that you can avoid laying off people.

ANSWER: Unfortunately, no. While we hope to lay off as few people as possible, our number one goal is the preservation of the quality of the paper. We will not approve buyout applications from people who have key skill sets or talents and identities we believe are crucial to our mission.

QUESTION: If you do not take the buyout and are laid off, will you still get the buyout package? If so, does this apply to SWPs?

ANSWER: The layoff package is only a little different from the buyout package, in that the health care part is somewhat less extensive. By contract, SWPS don't get the North Broad Street Multi-employer Pension Plan (the former Guild severance)

QUESTION: There's a rumor that if the company gets a certain number of buyouts (40 or 50), they might stop at that and not do layoffs. Is that true, or just a rumor?

ANSWER: It’s a rumor.

QUESTION: I was wondering, and this is looking down the road a bit, once the targeted 75 positions are cut, is KR dedicated to maintaining staffing levels? I mean, if 76 people leave, will we be allowed to replace one of the people who is gone?

ANSWER: Right now that is the intent, and that is what we are planning on. But obviously given the precarious financial situation in the industry, that could change at any time

QUESTION: What is going to happen to the library?

ANSWER: We will likely be reducing the staffing in the news research library. While our plans are not yet final, it looks likely that the staffing will consist of no more than two people, and that the job will consist mainly of archiving.

Reporters, editors and photographers in both The Daily News and The Inquirer will be given extensive training in Lexis/Nexis, DocCenter and Internet research in general so that they will be able to handle their own routine searches. In this Internet age, every reporter should be able to quickly locate basic information. It is a necessary journalistic skill set in the 21st Century.

Separately, we will be augmenting our Computer Assisted Reporting staff to provide more reporting and more database research for our watchdog efforts and for bigger projects. These positions will require an ability to report independently, as well as to do sophisticated data analysis. Those postings have just gone up.

Posted by D-Mac at 12:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Untrue Facts About Benjamin Franklin Nos. 8-11

Oh, we got a backlog today. And, surprisingly, I'm not really all that bored of this joke yet. I know, I know -- or, rather, "know, I know" -- I'm shocked myself.

• 8. Benjamin Franklin invented the cheeseburger.
• 9. Benjamin Franklin wrote the original screenplay for Doom.
• 10. Benjamin Franklin was one of only a few men to win both the WWF and WCW Championships.
• 11. Benjamin Franklin not only invented the Jersey Devil story, he enjoyed devouring livestock.

Happy 300th birthday, Ben! From now until Jan. 17, we're counting up from 1 to whenever we get tired of it with a list of untrue facts concerning one Benjamin Franklin, founding father and the greatest UNION SEPTA conductor this city's ever had.

The information in "Untrue Facts About Benjamin Franklin" is culled from all sources except the three books this city will be (allegedly) reading as part of "One Book, One Philadelphia." The first entry in the series is here.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

From the bottom of my cheatin' heart

There's a new website called Don't Date Him Girl, which advises girls which men are cheaters. You simply submit the details of your cheatin' man, and then the world can see which men cheat on women.

Or, you know, which people on earth are men. (Ba-ZING!)

When a friend of mine sent me this link, he said, "Girls can track us now," which really only applies if you have somebody to cheat with -- or, you know, have somebody to cheat on -- but, hey, I gotta put this stuff out there as a public service announcement.

Where was I? Oh, right: (alleged) cheaters in Philadelphia. There are currently three, one of whom is Flyers defenseman Derian Hatcher.

The site reads:

know, I know.....all hockey players cheat! This one has been cheating on his wife for over ten years with one girl as well as several others while on the road! He now resides in Philidelphia, PA during the hockey season and Sterling Heights, MI in the offer season. His cheating of course happens all over the U.S. and Canada while he is on the road!

Oh, totally, guys with four teeth always get the babes.

Editor's Note: Clearly, this is false. As if a Philadelphia athlete would actually live in Philadelphia.

Derian Hatcher [Don't Date Him Girl]
Player Profile: Derian Hatcher [PhiladelphiaFlyers.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

We're getting there, on foot

Young Philly Politics, who we last looked in on as the place where Councilman Goode wrote about Rick Mariano's lack of pigmentation, interviewed Bob Bedard, a communications worker for the Transit Workers' Union.

He, obviously, thinks Philadelphians should support the SEPTA strike. And why?

I think fair people will support a strike if SEPTA breaks their deal with union employees. Health care is an issue on everybody's mind. Fair people will support the health care fight just as fair people supported Rosa Parks' fight for her rights in Montgomery.

Fair people will also go tell this particular union worker to go fuck himself.

Interview with SEPTA Workers About Contract Negotiations [YPP]
Oct 28: Yeah, and what about Vernon Odom!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Quickies: What a Comcastic day!

• The New York Times takes NJ Transit to SEPTA to Philly -- remember, this was done before the strike -- and writes about how Comcast thinks the Wireless Philadelphia plan will fail. Hey, Comcast got us to pay $150 a month for cable and internet, do you want to doubt them? [NYT]

• The Inky is letting people vent about the strike online. Number of Rosa Parks references: 1, so far. No, that's not a joke. [Early Word]

• Since when does ex-Daily News scribe and current DN freelancer Bill Fleischman write for the official Philadelphia Flyers website? [PhiladelphiaFlyers.com]

• And that lesbian minister in Germantown is no longer a minister. Still a lesbian, though. [Inky]

• Oh, and Rick Mariano has the frontman of Yes backing him up. [DN]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Daytime savings time

Gather round the fire, kiddies, and I'll read some of the story to youse:

His news program "Geraldo at Large" debuts today (11 p.m., Channel 29), and the star attraction describes it as an action-oriented half-hour similar to the weekend program he was doing at Fox News Channel.

Oh boy! Geraldo's even got that prime daytime time slot, 11 p.m.

Geraldo's back on daytime TV [DN]

Posted by D-Mac at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Week 8: T. Oh, Andy, you've forgotten how to coach

Down 14. Nine minutes left. Fourth and six. Sure, own 37, but, hey, there's nine minutes left. What's the worst that's going to happen if you miss it? The Broncos are going to score a touchdown? You lose the game?

Well, if you punt, you lose the game anyway. You've given up. And that's what Andy Reid did yesterday in the Eagles' most pathetic performance since, oh, the Dallas game the week before the bye.

After an early game where the late Wellington Mara set a world record by being mentioned every three seconds, the Eagles came out in the late game and gave up 28 points, with Donovan McNabb missing his first 12 passes.

The Broncos then did their best to throw the game away, letting Terrell Owens have a leisurely stroll down the length of the field for a touchdown and leaving everybody else so open even McNabb couldn't throw it at their feet every play.

But a McNabb interception -- helped out with some lazy receiving by Reggie Brown -- some shoddy tackling by the defense, and it put the Eagles in a perfect position to give up by punting with nine minutes left.

And, who woulda thunk it, the Broncos scored a touchdown anyway.

On the plus side, at least Jose Cortez didn't blow the game. Phew.

Rocky horror [Inky]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Inquirer answers questions of morons

Coming next week: Just how did Noah get all those animals on the Ark?

Some ask: Where did Jesus get his DNA? [Inky]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The real reason for the SEPTA strike

SEPTA spokesman Richard Maloney?

He said that the union had rejected a handful of work rules, including one that prohibited "bus drivers from talking on their cell phones while they were driving or running red lights."

Yes, because if drivers aren't allowed to talk on their cell phones while running red lights, the terrorists have won.

No happy Halloween for transit commuters [DN]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Robber strikes crap mall

Over the weekend, a robber struck Franklin Mills in a jewelry heist for the fourth time. The man hangs out in the mall, forces a cart open after the mall closes, then hightails it out of Mills before the late night security guard can walk by without seeing him.

Oh, and he also wears a bright orange shirt that says "guilty" on it, clearly the choice of all robbers.

So far, the burglar has stolen about $62,500 worth of merchandise. Police said that the man appears to be between his late 30s and early 40s.

Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking? Right. Franklin Mills sells jewelry? Jewelry worth stealing?

Bold Burglar Hits Same Jewelry Kiosk 4 Times In 1 Year [NBC 10]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Breaking: Pumpkin sales to spike after Halloween?

From KYW 1060:

Area produce dealers say there has been a decline in pumpkin sales, so you can have your pick.

Jesus Christ, people, these pumpkin farmers have families! Buy a pumpkin before they're out on the street!

Or maybe sales are going to hit record highs starting Nov. 1.

Pumpkin Dealers Lament Current Overstocks [KYW 1060]
Photo by mrbill via Flickr

Posted by D-Mac at 08:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Trenton makes, Bush takes

Breaking! Bush goes crazy and nominates some dude who grew up in Trenton to the Supreme Court.

But, hey, at least he's got a nickname:

So consistently conservative, Alito has been dubbed "Scalito" or "Scalia-lite" by some lawyers.

Eh, I dunno if Conservatives are going to buy that he is conservative enough. Maybe he needs a little more obvious nickname, you know? Like "Gets really squeamish when two guys fuck."

Update: Ho ho! Alito begins his speech with something like "The Supreme Court is a body I've respected for a long time." But is he a good bowler?

Bush Names Alito As Supreme Court Nominee [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 07:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 30, 2005

The greatest Mischief Night prank of all time

Oh, Philly, a transit system that goes down just three streets wasn't good enough, was it? Now you have to have a transit system that goes down zero streets.

Strike at midnight. Unless they resolve it. But we all know how likely that is.

Philly Future has some tips on how to get around the lack of transit. But, you know, if the only transit you take is the Cornwells Heights shuttle bus, that's still running. And that's free, too!

Posted by D-Mac at 10:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 28, 2005

Five Things I Learned This Week

Here at Philadelphia Will Do, it's just one big fun happy learning experience. Here's the Top 5 things youse learned this week while wasting your time at work:

1. One Penn student wants to get himself (and several others) killed.
2. Stephen A. Smith hates player-coach relationships. Quite Frankly, that's all you need to know.
3. A singing parrot upset the head of the Pennsylvania senate. No jokes were contained in the previous sentence.
4. Those people on Barsky just love their Byko juice.
5. Conservatives and hipsters rejoice: you've found common ground.

Have a good weekend! Here's a cute little puppy.

Posted by D-Mac at 04:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Untrue Fact About Benjamin Franklin No. 7

Today's Untrue Fact about Benjamin Franklin:

• 7. Benjamin Franklin never learned how to love.

Happy 300th birthday, Ben! From now until Jan. 17, we're counting up from 1 to whenever we get tired of it with a list of untrue facts concerning one Benjamin Franklin, founding father and the greatest SEPTA conductor this city's ever had.

The information in "Untrue Facts About Benjamin Franklin" is culled from all sources except the three books this city will be (allegedly) reading as part of "One Book, One Philadelphia." The first entry in the series is here.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Deerly beloved (if you're a Pa. resident)

Philadelphia, like most of Pennsylvania, is overrun by deer. (Not quite as much -- pollution'll do that -- but for growing up in a city, I saw a fair amount of deer.) When I was little, a deer ran right down Academy Road and put a dent in Archbishop Ryan High School's fence that was there until they put up a new one years later.

But, of course, Philadelphians aren't quite the hunters the rest of the state is, and a release from the Pennsylvania Game Commission I received today taught me a lot. Not that the release has to do with hunting, but, you know, it dealt with things I had never thought of: Did you know if you hit a deer you can claim the carcas? (You just need to make a phone call.) And if you don't want it, another Pennsylvania resident (and only a Pennsylvania resident) can claim the dead deer.

Presumably, you can claim any old random dead deer on the side of the highway, too. As long as you live in Pennsylvania. And call the Game Commission within 24 hours. (But you can't keep the antlers; they have to be turned in to the Game Commission.)

I've never hunted. I would never take a deer home if I hit it. But I must say that this is fucking awesome. It's like Pennsylvania summed up in one little anecdote.

This quote from Wildlife Conservation Officer Jerrold W. Czech Jr. also sums Pennsylvania up pretty well, too: "It's also a shame to see whitetails killed on highways in the weeks before our biggest deer seasons."

Full release after the jump. It came via fax and I scanned it in, so if there are any typos, it's the optical character recognition's fault, not mine.

From: Jerrold W. Czech, Jr.

Philadelphia County
Pennsylvania Game Commission

GAME COMMISSION ADVISES MOTORISTS TO WATCH FOR DEER

PHILADELPHIA - Pennsylvania Game Commission Wildlife Conservation Officer Jerrold Czech advised motorists to slow down after sundown and before sunrise if they don't want to risk having a close encounter with a white-tailed deer.

Deer collision calls have picked up recently at the Game Commission's regional offices. It's an annual occurrence that will continue through Thanksgiving week and begin to slow down In mid-December. For the sake of public safety, the Game Commission is urging motorists to drive cautiously after dark fox the next several weeks.

"It's also a shame to see whitetails killed on highways in the weeks before our biggest deer seasons. Obviously, many of these accidents are unavoidable because deer do step into the path of fast-moving vehicles. But driving defensively, or, at the very least, alertly, can give a motorist an edge in many instances."

Officer Czech noted that being knowledgeable about deer can help Pennsylvanians stay out of harm's way. He said that some deer aren't paying close attention to what's going on around them during the fall breeding season, commonly referred to as the "rut."

Officer Czech also noted that drivers shouldn't assume trouble has passed completely when a deer successfully crosses the road. "Deer frequently travel in family groups and single file," Czech said. "Just because one has crossed, doesn't mean the threat is over. Its crossing could be a signal that others may follow, which they sometimes do blindly."

Bucks currently are chasing does. Sometimes these bucks follow closely; other times they pursue with their heads to the ground nosing a scent trail.

Drivers who hit a deer with a vehicle are not required to report the accident to the Game Commission. if the deer dies, only Pennsylvania residents may claim the carcass. To do so, they must call the Game Commission region office representing the county where the accident occurred and an agency dispatcher will collect the information needed to issue a free permit, which is mailed. A driver must call within 24 hours of taking possession of the deer.

A passing Pennsylvania motorist also may claim the deer, if the person whose vehicle hit it doesn't want it. Again, the motorist must report taking possession of the deer within 24 hours to the Game Commission.

Antlers from bucks killed in Vehicle collisions must be turned over to the Game Commission.
If a deer is struck by a vehicle, but not killed, drivers are urged to stay their distance because some deer may recover and move on. However, if a deer does not move on, or poses a public safety risk, drivers are encouraged to report the incident to a Game Commission regional office or other local law enforcement agency. If the deer must be put down, the Game Commission will direct the proper person to do so.

Other tips for motorists include:
- Don't count on deer whistles or deer fences to deter deer from crossing roads in front of you. Stay alert.

- Watch for the reflection of deer eyes and for deer silhouettes on the shoulder of the road. If anything looks slightly suspicious, slow down.

- Slow down in areas known to have a large deer population; where deer crossing signs are posted; places where deer commonly cross roads; areas where roads divide agricultural fields from forestland; and whenever in forested areas between dusk and dawn.

- Deer do unpredictable things. Sometimes they stop in the middle of the road when crossing. Sometimes they cross and quickly re-cross back from where they came. Sometimes they move toward an approaching vehicle. Assume nothing. Slow down, blow your horn to urge the deer to leave the road. stop if the deer stays on the road; don't try to go around it.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

More like donut seized (rimshot)

An ad from today's Metro:

Can we zoom in a little there?

I wonder how many cars Tubby here repossessed himself.

Update: Further investigation has revealed -- I think -- that this officer has no legs. In that case, I apologize for making fun.

Posted by D-Mac at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Also, I'm five years old

From the front page of Yahoo!:

I'm not sure how this is dirty, but it definitely is.

Yahoo!

Posted by D-Mac at 01:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Introducing "Psychoanalyzing Stephen A. Smith"

Welcome to the first-ever edition of Psychoanalyzing Stephen A. Smith! This feature will run whenever Stephen A. writes a column we're just utterly baffled by.

Sometimes Stephen A. is a little confusing, and I'll be going behind his words to find out just what he's really trying to say. Is this really psychoanalysis? Beats me; it was just the first word that came into my mind.

A little background on Stephen A. Smith: Known by the derisive knickname "Screamin' A," the little mouth that could began as an Inquirer columnist before doing some guest work on television spots, notably on Comcast SportsNet during the 76ers' run to the finals in 2001.

Eventually, he became ubiqutous on ESPN, and now hosts his own low rated show, Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith. Now he writes only about two Inky columns a week, which he sometimes composes on a Blackberry. No, really.

Oh, and in 2003 Philadelphia Magazine named him Best of Philly™ for sportswriting.

Done laughing at that last fact? Okay, let's move on. After the jump, this week's psychoanalysis of Stephen A.

Today's column, which he may or may not have written on a blackberry, concerns Sheryl Swoopes, the WNBA star who came out in an ESPN Magazine article this week.

Stephen A.'s article today takes a different article that the "In other news, a baby was born today" jokes we've all been making the past 24 hours. It begins:

Sheryl Swoopes may be the story. But she is not the issue.

Not now. Not in this day and time. And especially not when an absence of professional ethics is so abundantly clear regarding Swoopes' partner, Alisa Scott, instead of her.

Woah! Wait, guh-wha?

Okay, we get it, Stephen A. You only write sparingly, so your column can't just be about Swoopes. Got it. Down with that, actually. I mean, if you're the big-shot columnist you have to be different. But the coaching ethics of her girlfriend? Is that really what the people want to read about?

I'm not even sure what the issue is here, yet. If you're going to write about a tangential issue to the big story -- and even claim it's bigger than the main story -- please explain what it is before the jump.

Swoopes' public acknowledgment of her lesbianism this week may not be welcomed or appreciated by the public at large, but the fact remains that she has a right to live her life the way she chooses.

If she wants to hug and kiss her partner in public, that's fine with me. Feel free to waste time debating how her relationship will affect her 8-year-old son, Jordan, or the WNBA, which can't possibly be happy with the headlines it is receiving.

How it will affect Michael Jordan? Do we reall--oh, oh, that's her son's name. I get it. Also, I wonder if Stephen A. called somebody at the WNBA (or NBA commish David Stern) to ask them how they feel?

But there are certain things that should never be debated or embraced, even in a day when supposedly 5 to 10 percent of the population is thought to be gay. Such a harsh sentiment should always be deemed appropriate when it is discovered that a player's coach also happens to be her lover.

Few people know much about Scott. According to Swoopes, she had never thought about another woman, never dreamed of being with another woman. At least not until her coach came into her life.

Now, far be it for me to wax eloquent over the sanctimonious arena of professional ethics. But if someone - anyone - even thinks of hiring Scott after Swoopes' coming-out party, an investigation should begin. Immediately.

Guh? What? Oh, oh, I get it. Stephen A. is mad because Scott used to be Swoopes' assistant coach. And coaches aren't supposed to have sex with players, let alone lesbian sex with players. I'm waiting for Stephen A.'s column on ex-national teamer Danielle Fotopoulos and her ex-coach husband.

Okay, so Swoopes and Scott has a secret relationship with she was an assistant coach. I guess that crosses the ethical line.

It's one thing if Swoopes were representing a team different from Scott's. It would be an entirely different situation if both were players. But Scott was an assistant coach on Van Chancellor's staff for the Houston Comets, supposedly a liaison between the head coach and the players, in a position of authority and influence.

As usual, the hype and hoopla supersede substance because we're all focusing on Swoopes. In the aftermath of her announcement, nobody's thinking about how Larry Eustachy got fired after being seen in pictures drinking and partying with students; how Mike Price lost the Alabama job for being inside a strip club; or the litany of other issues a male coach would be fired for in a split second.

That's college, not the pros. But that logic reeks of stupidity and convenient ignorance. When it comes to authority and influence, people should always be held accountable.

Let's open up our Stephen A. Moral Equivalence Scale here:

Drinking and partying with students = Being inside a strip club = Having a lesbian affair with a coach

Far be it from me to criticize any of those three activities. But something tells me a college coach drinking with students is a little different.

Also, I haven't done much research, but a female ex-soccer player friend I just e-mail responded to my "Don't women's soccer players marry their coaches a lot?" with "Yes. And I would say with some frequency."

I've now done the same amount of research as Stephen A. did for this column. (Ba-ZING!)

The appearance of impropriety, of compromising one's position and organization, is flagrant where Scott is concerned. And for those who dismiss Swoopes' five-time all-star status and her credentials as a three-time Olympic gold medalist, recognize that that has nothing to do with this issue.

"Homophobia in women's sports is huge," Pat Griffin, professor emeritus at the University of Massachusetts, said on my ESPN2 show, Quite Frankly.

I know, we haven't done much psychoanalysis here. That may be because I'm not quite sure what psychoanalysis is. But I can tell you this: the last sentence of the above selection is code for: "Oh my god, nobody's watching my show, I better plug it! QUITE FRANKLY WITH STEPHEN A. SMITH!"

"I think it's a reflection of a larger cultural issue," Griffin said. "There's a lot of misinformation out there. One of the things that's important about Sheryl Swoopes' coming out is... the more we have real lesbians out in the open about who they are, the more of a position we're in to deflate the level of skepticism, the amount of misconceptions, that exists out there about us."

That may be true.

It's also completely irrelevant.

Swoopes is not the issue. Scott is.

Scott was an assistant coach in Houston for seven years before resigning her post months ago. Were it not for their relationship, she may not have had any clout with Swoopes. But what about the rest of her less-than-marquee-caliber teammates?

Does everyone on the Houston Comets love Swoopes? If so, how did the Comets feel about Scott? Was locker-room talk kept in-house? How about what went on in Chancellor's office?

Oh, gee, I dunno, Stephen A., you're a reporter, how about you ask some people? People don't want to talk about it? Great. You're one of the biggest names in sports reporting. Keep digging at it. People will give you access. I know you're busy with Quite Frankly and all, but make some calls.

Stephen A.'s column is so far the equivalent of a City Hall reporter writing, "Wow, there was a bug in the mayor's office. Do you think that's important? I wonder if anybody will find out!"

The list of questions can go on and on.

Assuming that Scott's resignation was forced, that's the only answer that should matter.

Considering an NBC and USA Network survey that showed that 24 percent of respondents believed an openly gay athlete would hurt a team, that 68 percent believed it would hurt an athlete's career to be openly gay, Swoopes' in-the-closet behavior is perfectly understandable. The same doesn't apply to Scott.

Wait, what? Coaches can't have their sexuality private? Shit, I better go tell my dad, who coaches a youth soccer team, that he needs to tell his kids before every practice he has a wife and a kid. And that he likes woman.

I'm also so confused. What answer? What forced resignation? What am I reading here?

Coaches are held to a higher standard. Last checked, males don't monopolize that credo.

I could get into the negative effect this whole issue could end up having on the WNBA, which was doing everything in its power to disassociate itself from the homosexual label on its sport for years.

Then again, what sense would that make?

Okay, we get it, a coach had an affair with a player, and if this was a male-female thing, people would be more up in arms. This is like when the "liberal media" argument is made in a newspaper: "Oh wah wah wah nobody's covering this wah wah wah." Hello? You are part of the media, how about trying to change something if you're upset other than just whining about it?

Hey, Stephen A., you're a journalist, how about you do some, I dunno, journaling? Did it have a negative affect on the team? What do the other players think about it? Don't just complain that the media is focusing on two women gettin' it on.

When a coach violates issues of protocol, ethics and professional decency, what could possibly be said to a player?

Especially Swoopes, who is guilty of nothing but being honest. And trying to be happy.

Jesus. We now know that Stephen A. has never gotten it on with Inky Sports Editor Jim Jenks. Since he's so big on avoiding conduct violations. I hold my sports columnists up to high scrutiny, you know?

This concludes our first experiment, even if there wasn't much analyzing. Ah, well. We'll try better next time.

Stephen A. Smith | Partner of Swoopes crossed coaching line [Inky]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:21 PM | Comments (21) | TrackBack

Link Dump: No more Larry Bowa on Baseball Tonight!

• Bowa officially Yankees third-base coach; Jeter already thrown out at home plate. [ESPN.com Wire]

• Tom Maslund, who shared a Pulitzer at the Inky in 1980 for coverage of the Three Mile Island disaster, died yesterday in a car accident. He was 55. [Inky]

• The Onion has a scoop on Laura Bush in response to the White House telling the paper to stop using the Presidential Seal. [The Onion]

• A recap of the Project H.O.M.E. event. "Online luminaries," indeed. [Philly Future]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Some news to report: no news!

And, somewhere in Philadelphia, Will Bunch is sitting at a table with Duncan Black, crying a single tear.

Sources: Rove won't be indicted today [AP via Philly.com]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Yeah, and what about Vernon Odom!

I think it's a good sign when politicians join the political debate online. I think it's even better when they write shit like this:

There is a not-so-subtle message being sent in response to the Mayor's infamous "the brothers and sisters are in charge" comment. The message is that you are not in charge - because as "judge, jury, and executioner", we hold all moral authority. And at any point, we can destroy you - or at least, we can destroy your credibility.

For those who didn't understand Rick Mariano's comment last Thursday about his lack of pigmentation being part of his problem - he was probably saying that he feels like he's been politically targeted as a "n*gg*r-lover" who shouldn't be aligned with a Black mayor.

Councilman W. Wilson Goode, Jr., everyone!

Fear of God, TRUTH and Racial Politics [Young Philly Politics]

Posted by D-Mac at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

SEPTA ads, now with truth

The only thing better than a SEPTA ad is a SEPTA ad that's been defaced by a disgruntled rider.

After the jump, the same sign, with more rider commentary.

Posted by D-Mac at 09:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Teachers' strike doesn't save nerds from ridicule

While we're preparing for a SEPTA strike down here in Philly, high school kids up in Pennsbury are dealing with a teachers' strike.

And how are they spending their time?

While their classmates were at parties and tailgates, a group of students crammed into the Yardley Makefield Library on Thursday to study European history.

As teachers rallied on the picket line, the teens studied for the advanced placement class "Absolutism and Constitutionalism in European History."

Oh, man, high school memories: drinking beer in the woods, hanging out in peoples' basements -- and heading to the library to study for "Absolutism and Constitutionalism in European History."

Strike doesn't change European history [BCCT]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Politics is just like fifth grade

From the Bucks County Courier Times crime log:

Fairview Avenue, overnight, Mon., Penndel Democratic campaign sign torn up, thrown in trash bin.

How will the democrats respond? Egging Republican HQ? Putting flaming bags on several Republican leaders' doorsteps? Indicting Scooter Libby? (Ba-ZING!)

I await your response, Democrats.

Public safety log 10.28.05 [BCCT]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

City to residents: We hate you

A statement from the city's managing director, Pedro Ramos:

"We're not going to have enough parking to accommodate all the folks who... If everybody decides to drive their car into center city, we're going to have a problem!"

And there will be no slack given by the Parking Authority. Parking rules will be enforced.

Let's see: Sixth borough? Check. America's Next Great City? Check. Place that's more fun when you sleep over especially if you wake up the next morning and the parking authority has ticketed your car?

City Urges Philadelphians to Plan Ahead for Possible SEPTA Strike [KYW 1060]

Posted by D-Mac at 08:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 27, 2005

Breaking: Howard Eskin not in news for a while

Indeed, with all this talk about 94.1 FreeFM -- which WYSP turned into Monday -- over the past few days, we forgot all about Howard Eskin. Now the talk show host wants to be GM of the Phillies, and when someone does a publicity stunt as brazen as that, well, we're going to fall for it right away. And we know the other papers will, too.

So, yes, the "King of Bling" -- yes, that's his nickname -- wants to be the next GM of the Phils. The drive time talker on 610 WIP has in the past been compared to the Burger King and was a frequent critic of ex-Phillies GM Ed Wade.

Eskin says that the Phillies "can bring in some baseball genius from out of town, but in me they'll get someone who knows the game, can evaluate talent and most importantly who can relate to the frustration that a Philadelphia sports fan lives with."

Oh, boy. WIP acts all "Woah, we're edgy!" with the, "We're going to go crazy and support this carefully coordinated publicity stunt!" Still, I dig the idea of building a studio in Citizens Bank Park, so Howard can still host his radio show while directing the team.

Full release after the jump.

Sports Radio 610 WIP afternoon host, Howard Eskin, has officially announced his desire to become the next General Manager of the Philadelphia Phillies. Eskin was flattered when a caller during his show suggested that he run for GM. In the week since that phone call a groundswell of listener support and feedback have caused him to seriously consider himself a viable candidate. Eskin is asking the ownership of the Philadelphia Phillies to interview him for the position so he can layout his plan to bring a championship back to the Phillies organization.

Listeners that think Eskin deserves an interview can sign the "Eskin for GM" petition that is on 610 WIP's website, www.610wip.com. Eskin plans on delivering the petition to Phillies ownership on Friday November 4. WIP has thrown their full support behind Eskin's campaign. In addition to putting the petition up on their website, the station is running promotional messages urging listeners to sign the petition and to support Eskin's candidacy to be the next GM of the Philadelphia Phillies.

"They can bring in some baseball genius from out of town, but in me they'll get someone who knows the game, can evaluate talent and most importantly who can relate to the frustration that a Philadelphia sports fan lives with. I love this city and I love this team, I want to lend my expertise in helping them turn this thing around," exclaims Eskin.

"WIP supports Howard and his quest to be General Manager. Should he be chosen, we are open to installing a studio in his new office, at Citizen's Bank Park," says GM/VP at WIP, Marc Rayfield.

Citizens Bank Park. Oh, at least you were close.

The Eskin for GM Page [610 WIP]
Sept. 28 Oh, Daily News, please don't ever go

Posted by D-Mac at 04:27 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Blogicized: Philadelphians are slots

• You know, some of the slots parlor locations seem okay to me, I guess, but I bet the state will simply ignore all the recommendations and put the stupid slot machines at Penn's Landing. [A Smoke Filled Room]

• No-surprise-here update: CSX continuing to attempt to stop Philadelphians from enjoying the Schuylkill. Did I just write "enjoying the Schuylkill" with no irony intended at all? Yikes. Even I'm shocked. [Free Schuylkill River Park]

• Music blogger gets jury duty; sad to not get something Beanie-related. Can't the criminal justice system hook people up with the trials they want to be on? [Badminton Stamps]

• The best baseball players of all time, segregated. [Johnny Goodtimes]

• The Phillyist Jill Ivey Game -- which debuted last week -- had some sort of divide by zero error this week. [Phillyist]

Posted by D-Mac at 04:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

I am trying to break your heart

Oh, look, a Harvard professor thinks girls are having too much sex! Oh, really, Harvard government professor Harvey Mansfield (and, whoops, Leon Kass of the University of Chicago)? Hey, how about you guys come over to my place and give your argument to me and see if I don't cry for a few hours. (Alterna-ending to this paragraph: "... and see if I don't punch you in the face.")

But, then again, I guess I'd actually be on the floor laughing instead if I heard you talk:

The best sex, he argues, is stimulated by reading poets like Shelley, and, "if properly sublimated, is transformable into genuine and lofty longings—not only for love and romance but for all the other higher human yearnings."

Wow, professors, looks like you've got highly advanced degrees in full of shit.*

Theories of the Erotic [Slate]

*With apologies to Lewis Black, who I stole this joke from.

Posted by D-Mac at 03:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Gee, I dunno, CNN, what did doom her nomination?

Hmm. Maybe it has something to do with photos where she looks like Chris Farley's stunt double.

CNN.com

Posted by D-Mac at 03:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Breaking: Penn students batshit insane

A Penn undergrad was mugged on Walnut between 40th and 41st last night at around 9 p.m. Pretty disconcerting stuff, especially since, you know, that's right near where I spent pretty much four straight years at the newspaper offices.

But, you know, at the start of every school year there are muggings of students, because people apparently feel they're easy targets. Eh, they are Penn kids.

Whenever somebody gets mugged on campus -- the other day, it happened at 6 p.m. right near some of the highrise dorms -- the commenters on the Daily Pennsylvanian articles explode with chants that Penn hasn't done enough, that Penn has done too much, that the paper has racist editors for printing such crime news and/or that the student should have been armed.

And here's a prize-winning argument from a Wharton student:

or is creating the Penn Minutemen the correct answer? What if we got heavily (legally) armed teams of Penn students to patrol 40th and 41st streets on certain nights? It worked in Arizona, anyone want to try it in Philly?

Ladies and gentlemen, one of your future leaders of America!

Woman robbed at 40th and Walnut St. [DP]
Sept. 7: Proof that Penn kids are wimps

Posted by D-Mac at 02:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Northeast Philly graffiti taggers shockingly play right into stereotypes

The last few weeks, some of the haunts of my youth -- namely, the Knights Shopping Center and Academy Plaza, the shopping centers we hung at before when we were too lazy to walk to Franklin Mills -- have been struck by a gang of graffiti artists.

It's Northeast Philly, so it's probably not art, it's just some dudes writing "LINK" on the backs of strip malls. The cops are peeved, the workers at the strip malls are peeved, but fortunately they have some descriptions:

[I]nvestigators have a surveillance video of the group that took part in the first incident. The four graffitists appear to be white males in their late teens. One rode a bicycle and had baggy clothes.

Oh. That narrows it down.

Police ask for help in identifying graffiti vandals [Northeast Times]

Posted by D-Mac at 01:43 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

For those about to rock (a man's bones with tapered fingers)

A paragraph from an Inquirer article today:

As an agent for the State Department's diplomatic security service, Overbrook's own T.J. Lunardi is a gay patriot trained to crack a man's bones with his tapered fingers.

The girl saluting the flag (photo, left) is saluting two people: 1. For T.J. Lunardi, because I respect anybody trying to fight homophobia and I'm cool with anybody who could crack a man's bones with his tapered fingers (whatever that means), and 2. Inquirer reporter Alfred Lubrano, for writing a clause -- "gay patriot trained to crack a man's bones with his tapered fingers" -- that had never been uttered before.

We salute you.

Serving his country and gays [Inky]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:23 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

We're all screwed

Dog flu? In New Jersey?

So if we're not all killed by bird flu, you know, at least we have other things to worry about.

21 Cases Of Dog Flu Confirmed In New Jersey [AP via NBC10]

Posted by D-Mac at 12:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Untrue Facts About Benjamin Franklin Nos. 4-6

No time for love, Dr. Jones. We're moving right into our Daily News parody today:

• 4. Benjamin Franklin's favorite puppy was his boxer.
• 5. Benjamin Franklin once killed a boar with a bow and arrow.
• 6. When Ben was 16, he became a vegetarian. The money he saved by not eating meat was spent on pornography.

Happy 300th birthday, Ben! From now until Jan. 17, we're counting up from 1 to whenever we get tired of it with a list of untrue facts concerning one Benjamin Franklin, founding father and the greatest SEPTA conductor this city's ever had.

The information in "Untrue Facts About Benjamin Franklin" is culled from all sources except the three books this city will be (allegedly) reading as part of "One Book, One Philadelphia." The first entry in the series is here.

Posted by D-Mac at 11:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

I Want You (To Replace Your Furnace and/or Air Conditioner)

I want to know where the ad salespeople at the Metro get their clients, so I can know to avoid that area. The Metro's advertisements are, essentially, ads for Modell's and a bunch of shady deals.

We already had cellulite attacked on the ad pages of today's Metro, and now a tougher target is in the crosshairs:

First 2,000 soldiers dead, now this. I've lost all respect for you, Sammy.

U.S. Editions [Metro]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Black market Fabergé penguins

Crime wave in Rambler Park! (Uhh, it's near Franklin Mills.)

From a letter in today's Northeast Times:

Open letter to the cowards who, on Sept. 29, came into our fenced yard and stole two penguin statues that were 36 inches high and weighed 80 pounds apiece. They stood in the same spot for more than 10 years. They were a gift from my husband.

You are the lowest of low! We’ve lived here since 1960 and have seen creeps come and go, but you are the worst!

Anyone who received them as a gift or bought them from the cowards are as nasty and worthless as them. I hope you rot in hell for this.

You know, whenever I buy 80-pound penguins off the back of a truck I always wonder where they come from.

A note for the penguin thieves [Northeast Times, last letter]

Posted by D-Mac at 11:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Great advancements in computer technology

An ad in today's Metro:

Yep! Cellulite has met its match and its name is Photoshop.

U.S. Editions [Metro]

Posted by D-Mac at